Your Role in Narcissist’s Shared Fantasy is Why He Hates You (You make him feel like himself, human)

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Күн бұрын

The narcissist hates you because you make him feel like himself - and human.
Narcissism is breakdown in communication, both internal, among the constructs (internal objects) owing to dissociation, estrangement and external, with other people (external objects).
Lack of empathy, no access to emotions, primitive defenses, and cognitive deficits and biases (grandiosity, Dunning-Kruger, confirmation) render the narcissist only partly human: the experience of being human is alien to him.
When in an active shared fantasy with an adulating woman (intimate partner who provides 2 of 3 Ss), I experience maximal grandiosity backed by unconstrained magical thinking: I feel invincible, omnipotent, capable of anything and everything, miraculously perfect and accomplished.
This perfect grandiose state is a regression to an infantile state under the auspices of a safe base good enough (not dead - Andre Green, depressive, emotionally unavailable) mother. It allows me to separate and individuate and to experience totally a constellated, functioning self (albeit a false one) or, in Jungian paralance, successful introversion..
The intimate partner can provide a full experience of the False Self (in the active shared fantasy) and a direct experience of the true self (via mortification). This is not real object relations because the libidinal investment is still in the self (and reflected in the sex: self-soothing masturbatory auto-eroticism coupled with sadism aimed at destroying the intruding object omnipotently).
The narcissist gives up on meaningful communication: he convinces himself that he is too intelligent and idiosyncratic. In an active shared fantasy, the intimate partner facilitates communication with the False Self, the only interlocutor acceptable to the narcissist. She also obliquely provides access to emotional and other modes of non-goal oriented communication thereby encouraging non-sublimatory libidinal investment and cathexis.
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@marileneskitchen8027 4 жыл бұрын

Narcissists are so very hard to understand. My mind can’t just grasp the way they function. I was married to one and it was a nightmare. I’m an easy going peaceful person and man did the narc catch me by surprise! The day after we got married he changed to a completely different person, it was so confusing to me, I was only 22 and pregnant. Hardest time of my life, I don’t wish it on anyone.

@daisy1240 4 жыл бұрын

The day we got married, he seemed so strange the moment he got into the car. He totally ignored me.

@cheriefrench6956 4 жыл бұрын

Mine flipped the switch after 4 months of marriage. He said when I questioned him back in those days that he woke up and Realized I was a possession of his. Marriage went downhill after that. I left. Didn't know about narcs back then. Sadly only got it 25 yrs later meeting current severe narc.

@tawandawilliamson3801 4 жыл бұрын

Similar experience... I can relate. Horrific

@tawandawilliamson3801 4 жыл бұрын

Daisy Wow, mine ignored me that following week after our marriage. I was pregnant with our child. At first, he treated me like a trophy that he’d won at a county fair, then put me on a shelf to rust! I left him after one year of the marriage. Going through a divorce now.

@Canaday291 4 жыл бұрын

Wow Marilenes! The exact thing happened to me!! I was also young and pregnant when we got married. He couldn’t stand that I was a mellow peaceful easy going person that he would actually complain about to me. He even made a point of telling me he went to work and complained to his boss that nothing ever seemed to bother me . So from there on it was his sadistic mission to destroy that in me. He did the same with my family including my children,his family and my friends .He was so infuriated and jealous that I had mutually loving respectful relationships with them. And he would vocalize this to me all the time.And he did all he could to malign smear campaign and triangulate them against me

@elpotototo 4 жыл бұрын

Sex was really all about him, both of us concentrating on the same person. The next day after hearing how beautiful I was and how much he had missed it, he abandoned me and didn't touch for months and then years. I had a husband and a skin hunger, never touched. I was the only one who initiated and after years of feeling like a beggar, I just stopped. After twenty years of horror and humiliation, I found a force in myself to pack all his clothes and leaving it in his car. It was two years ago. I have two kids and have't divorced because I'm so afraid nobody will believe what he did to us. I lost all my self confidence afer years of gaslighting and have problems with finding a job which I need to survive. Keep your fingers crossed.

@Alaina-w6y 4 жыл бұрын

I believe you...I lived it also. My ex husband would not communicate when I finally brought up dissolution...had to take matters into my own hands and left. It forced him to see his true self...and he hates me for it. 4 years of separation and 2.5 years of living with his new supply, he calls me out of the blue to talk AT me about how awful I am, how I am the worst woman he's ever been with, how me and my family lack character and how we will all pay by karma (as he is some Shepard of God 🙄). I know I did the right thing! 😏

@acionnaanassa4042 4 жыл бұрын

You are in the early days of recovering your mind and body. Keep going.

@elpotototo 4 жыл бұрын

@@acionnaanassa4042 I will :). Thank you :)

@elpotototo 4 жыл бұрын

@@Alaina-w6y Of course you did :)

@RS-gj6ol 4 жыл бұрын

You can do this. Can I suggest if you aren't already, try Richard Grannon . Practical steps as you move through this.

@esmygabil4793 4 жыл бұрын

I wish I knew about narcissism before, my life would not have been a disaster.

@melissa6261975 3 жыл бұрын

I can totally relate. I feel the same way.

@Maria_Stancu 3 ай бұрын

Same. I never even heard the word until one of his friends said it. I had to google it🤦🏻‍♀️ I am so grateful for Sam Vaknin’s videos. I have not found one therapist that has helped me through this despair.

@josun2222 4 жыл бұрын

The narcissist never really knows the real you, their supply! He sees their fake Avatar at first and then sees you as all bad.

@Alaina-w6y 4 жыл бұрын

This video actually makes me feel a lot better about the 7 years I spent with someone who was incapable of truly loving others. I was starting to take it personally.

@karenknudtzon 4 жыл бұрын

アレイナ Sam Vakin and Richard Grannon both helps to understand the crazy making being in a narcissistic relationship

@lisameyer7757 2 жыл бұрын

This guy is brilliant! I do not want to jump through any more narcissists hoops! IT'S EXHAUSTING! People who include me in their fantasy world scare me so much now.... no good can come from this kind of relationship trap.

@graceduchesne9338 11 ай бұрын

No, absolutely nothing good comes out of the paths of a Tornado just be sober and stay alivated, hard at first but you'll feel the pull just fall off, you never belonged in the swamp, where they mean to drag u down, god on your side u already won ❤

@marilynrosario228 Жыл бұрын

My narcissists last words before he went to sleep the night before my final discard were "I hate you" and he sounded just like a child when he said it. Now, I realize he was just saying that he hated himself. This is beyond mind bending.

@chrisr8717 11 ай бұрын

They are completely understandable thanks to Prof. Sam Vaknin. They are so predictable. Perhaps you need to watch more of Professor Vaknin’s videos.

@Canaday291 4 жыл бұрын

This video helps me make some sense of why the abusive narc I was married to Thrives on the turmoil chaos arguments triangulations and constant ominous on edge stress and anxiety filled days he would intentionally and diabolically provoke A sadistic 8 year old bully trapped in a 52 years old body

@errinmora 2 жыл бұрын

Lucky you… he hit the 8yo mark…mine is a perpetual 2yo.

@sigmaheyokashaman5610 4 жыл бұрын

Its sad how many have wasted their lives, only to be embraced, by someone who did love them, and they rejected it... It never comes back, and the one they choose, will be abused, for not being you Accepting people for whom they are is a part of being an adult Don't settle, if you settle you will know regret, Desire is always cruelty

@princesskittysnummies3951 4 жыл бұрын

I was with one for 4 years being discarded broke me but it was also liberating. I was a shell of my former self I had to completely rebuild my emotional and mental health im still not fully there yet. It saddens me to look back at pictures of myself in that time and see how much I changed I didn’t even fully smile in them he had robbed me of all my joy and I couldn’t see it

@gorunsko31 2 жыл бұрын

As an intimate partner "You will pay a dear price..." yes, indeed.

@rosemiller5338 2 жыл бұрын

The narcissist I am associated with once told me that he felt like I was him. “I feel like you and me are the same person. Like you’re an extension of me.” I thought he was kidding but now I think he wasn’t.”

@khurramawan6338 Жыл бұрын

An extension, an appliance... for sure

@RA-ce2ot Жыл бұрын

@@khurramawan6338 Mine once told me he wants to be me and wear my skin... I thought it was a morbid joke. creeped me out. should have broken top there and then

@Yui-zb8fm 4 жыл бұрын

My ex husband I left him 2000 and he is still an abusive ****.He is close to 60 and do you think Age would give him wisdom and awaken his soul? No, if anything Age makes them more bitter and twisted.

@bigmountainmedia 4 жыл бұрын

Lj .l

@jennifercrespo1383 4 жыл бұрын

The hatred builds up and the confusion and the denial. It just builds and builds.

@dic4511 4 жыл бұрын

I believe aging does makes them more bitter and twisted. My ex bf who I have known for 20 years was in and out of my life even after moving to another state. Contacting me after all his relationships failed. Last time I spoke to him (he’s 56) his gf is a 29 year old married bisexual woman whom he states the relationship works for both of them. (States he’s unhappy anyway) I had to block him permanently I did not want to get involved in his bad Karma.. or triangulation.. again. DONE👍

@cheriefrench6956 4 жыл бұрын

The narc in my life is 70, and rages about his body not being the same, and no thank you he isn't doing anything to help it. He wants to be a rich old man who can travel all winter. But he never set up his life that way, doesn't do finances that way. He must always be hustling a deal for money. I think I exist to pick up his pieces should they fall. I never wanted to be in his vicinity, nevermind his carer so yes I'm trying to find my way out. But if u think they are cranky at 50, wait a few years it doesn't improve.

@Canaday291 4 жыл бұрын

I know from experience that they only get worse and more abusive as they age. It became impossible to survive around The malignant npd ex husband .He became the twin carbon copy of his own abusive npd sadistic dad that through the years he vowed he would never become

@lvanderdoes8199 4 жыл бұрын

Being with him made me a horrible person. Frustrated, angry, continually dissapointed, I even lost a job because he would keep the fight up for days. Now he tries to get me evicted. So much for love and respect.....

@logicfourall 11 ай бұрын

I think that's what narcissist goal is to transfer their energy to you, that's what turns you into miserable person

@SoapsLuvr 4 жыл бұрын

This video is honestly the BEST explanation I have ever heard about the inner workings of narcissists!

@SerenityOfTheWild 4 жыл бұрын

Sword of the Spirit I’ve been trying to figure out if this is conditioning or genetic myself

@cheriefrench6956 4 жыл бұрын

The experts phrase it as a genetic tendency, but the cause as Dr van kin describes happens on the early attachment experiences with primary caregiver. Mom and dad. Was there mirroring, interaction, meeting needs reliably. Did another baby come along so fast that the Marc didn't get needs met enough? This is where the wounding to the psyche occurs. Decisions on how to act on the wound also depend on the environment.

@MS-mk5rx 4 жыл бұрын

This so well explained that it just took away a lot of brainfog. I could understand the crazyness a little bit..however sick and twisted it even sounds. I do feel compassion to that inner child that hates itself.. i thought that my love for him would heal him.. and i went to every extend to show him that he was save.. but i guess.. that only enabled the wrong cycle.. and it nearly destroyed me as well as my health, personality and i image. Its disturbing to me to hear that they cant be helped.. so sad..

@gorunsko31 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for your comment. You just described my experience and feelings of devastation, spiritual and physical - 46 years of self neglect while trying to heal wounded husband, father of 2 and grandfather of 2. He caused me enormous pain and yet I still feel sorry for him. I am looking right now at my childhood and see how growing up with narcissistic, alcoholic father set me up for my marriage. Grieivng of something I never really had, just started. Ouch.

@mamacitasalsera 4 жыл бұрын

Thank you. A lot of this I knew instinctively during the relationship, so it's good to have it explained properly. He was never stronger and more interested in other women than when I was adoring him or heartbroken. The minute the tables turned and he knew I could see all his tricks and flaws, the big man disappeared and became a nobody. Just like the wizard of Oz 😆

@kuwapa 3 жыл бұрын

Wow my girlfriend is like this with her manipulative behavior when I'm confident and secure she finds a way to subtlety tell me like she did yesterday that her college at work called her on her private extension to ask about something he could've asked anyone. And this guy just happens to be someone she volunteered to hang out with a few days prior for a work event & then she made sure I knew she was nervous about meeting with him🤣

@harmonica6141 2 жыл бұрын

so true. When I was in the throes of despair, he glowed. His confidence was palpable. He looked even more handsome than ever. Seeing me suffer made him the happiest, it's the craziest thing! But the moment, I cut him off and gave him complete silence, all the grandiosity disappeared. He looked broken string marionette. He was a fragile, witless, unattractive creature. Like his life force was gone. It was the 1st time, I realized how important I was to him. He was a vampire and I was the life source. It's nuts.

@mamacitasalsera 2 жыл бұрын

@Harmonica yes the change in physical attractiveness - so strange! When I look at photos of him when we were together he looked great, compared with now - he looks terrible. It does give a certain amount of satisfaction 😆

@ac-jn1iq Жыл бұрын

@@mamacitasalsera I’m seeing the same thing. The narc’s appearance is getting worse and worse without consistent supply

@mamacitasalsera Жыл бұрын

@@ac-jn1iq it's quite satisfying to see 😄

@shaimod1145 4 жыл бұрын

Wow. So profound. So well explained. My experience reproduced in your words.

@rosamarialopezhermosa4590 4 жыл бұрын

Shai Mod

@Eoj24 4 жыл бұрын

Wasted 4 years pf my life trying to save a woman who is not saveable. Taking her to court now. This video makes a lot of sense.

@sharronmorin8276 Жыл бұрын

Good luck. I'm in same boat. I am thankful relationship was not romantic. I did have faith and hope in the friendship. He diminished me, humiliated me, then discarded. In the meantime ripped me off financially. I'm trying to get possessions back mow, but am losing hope.

@Sophie-uc8vp 3 жыл бұрын

My ex narc is most certainly a covert narcissist. He has a serious crack and heroin addiction which is part of his victims sob story he uses to pull in a new victim. When he meets his new supply he is clean, not using, heroically overcoming addiction against the odds, her purity can save him - he appeals to the ego of the woman; he appears humble and contrite. However once his 'high' from the new romance begins to dwindle and he begins to devalue the supply he then turns to smoking crack to manage the deep abyss of the absence of his inner self. He detests himself for needing supply and he needs the crack to manage his emotional state in the absence of the best supply available.

@dic4511 4 жыл бұрын

“Whatever else he wants to be when he grows up .. it’s does not definitely to be human” WOW the whole video very powerful! 💯☝️👏

@1401chan 3 жыл бұрын

Everything about the mother was spot on, it's sickening how she can't let him go and parent him. It's sad for him truly.

@toniparrilla2244 4 жыл бұрын

The clarity you give in this video is very profound. I finally understand the "Why" to the behaviors. Thank you Sam!!!

@coo4231 Жыл бұрын

This object stuff makes sense as to why he is threatening all this weird shit with our kid...he's not well, he's scary etc and wants her to do whatever, for himself...not considering what's best for her. It is upsetting but now I understand more. And why he always said the things he said about me, when we were in a "good" place. I thought it was just jokes or like, sexy stuff...disturbing. Also makes sense how he occasionally had full breakdowns where he actually did say he hated hismelf...it only lasted a night like once a year but was so intense. It actually helps me understand how to gray rock as best as I can. Bc at this point I haven't dated. He said things like he'd "kill anyone who touched me"...which I thought once was an exaggeration of passion but I think instead was like a dog pissing on a tree.

@lindablindt7265 4 жыл бұрын

Oh dear, the new supply is in for a tough ride!

@jassminyoung2605 4 жыл бұрын

Btw the part about the narc seeing you as substitute mother so he runs toward and then runs away to explore the world... this has happened in ALL of my relationships with other women. Crazy that thats what was happening! "Self love by-proxy" just blew my mind. Wow.

@ednasandoval3676 4 жыл бұрын

my ex narc's mother is a narcissistic witch, seeing this video has opened my eyes and given me insight to his behavior. It could also explain why his father is an alcoholic...a lifetime with a narcissist takes its toll

@MsPeppersmom 4 жыл бұрын

Very helpful in understanding. I think he called me Mom once.

@jodirook71 4 жыл бұрын

I asked for a divorce in 2018 - gave up on things changing. I met someone else. He found out 3 days ago and wrote my future employer with lies, now I'm stuck with an international divorce and suing him for defamation - as he made false claims and I have a medical license. Thank God we have the Atlantic Ocean between us

@Alaina-w6y 4 жыл бұрын

I am sorry that this has happened to you. It's enough that you suffered personally...but to drag you through the mud professionally? Reprehensible boundary crossing! I pray that you ascertain justice.

@missy2543 3 жыл бұрын

I understood so much more about what I was experiencing, thank you! This made so much sense! Did the whole thing, mother role, forcing them to face their false self. When that built up to the max I was immediately discarded and I suspect my former partner was heading to the mortification process. So lucky to have it end. I knew it was heading somewhere very dangerous.

@tiasara9643 4 жыл бұрын

Incredibly descriptive with such complete acuity. Heartbreaking but it almost looks fragile and destructible. Don’t worry l doubt it’s safe to do to them anyway unless one must, and at this moment l say go for it because the empathy you assumed was under there will never even flicker with recognition of you anyway so it’s practically a victimless indulgence. They will crush every spark out of you until you unlatch. I can spot it in their eye area they get either glassy or the pupils come off slightly metallic.

@gorunsko31 2 жыл бұрын

His voice can get metallic too. Scary.

@harmonica6141 2 жыл бұрын

Too true. Glassy-eyed at all times. But when harming me, they glowed like embers.

@peaceshanty 4 жыл бұрын

She is the Tao. She is the Way. She is the Logos. Love the way you explain things.

@maryczarnopis6305 4 жыл бұрын

I've been Married to a Narcissist for 55 years. Maybe I should write a book!! But Mr Sam Vaknin, always helps me feel what's going on. Sometimes it is VERY difficult. But I Married him for Better or Worse, I didn't realize I was going to get more Worse than Better. But I always hold out HOPE. I want to Thank You Mr Vaknin, for helping me.

@samvaknin 4 жыл бұрын

If you are still with him, I failed to help you.

@kellik6680 4 жыл бұрын

The marriage was void upon exchanging vows. He was lying and you need to get the hell out!!! I stayed for 10 years believing the same BS. Get out!

@aprilmurphy6078 4 жыл бұрын

@@samvaknin Her decision to stay doesn't make her appreciation of your insight any less valid. You've put a silence to the nightmarish question of "why," likely for millions of women. What they decide to do with the answer is up to them; but having peace and an answer for that constant torment, having closure, allows the person the space to reconnect with their self, with their own wants and needs. That is the substrate for healing.

@gorunsko31 2 жыл бұрын

@@aprilmurphy6078 your comment brought tears to my eyes. Tears of relief and appreciation for describing my benefit of getting educated by @Prof. Sam Vaknin: I am getting a space to reconnect with the self. A video as this allows me to let go of a heavy burden of being blamed for every single bad mood, disappointment of the narcissistic husband of 46 years. I am slowly turning attention to my needs as if I deserve my own care. Small steplike swimming 2x a week or crying safely in my car (out of narc's sight, I started grieving...) this is just the beginning of my healing. Yes, it is late. I am 76, but if I getting a glimpse of my Self and for that, I am already grateful to professor V. and other fellow travelers on the path of recovery.

@gorunsko31 2 жыл бұрын

@@Ghst-qo1ic Well said. Thank you. ❤🙏

@divinewtream 4 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for giving me clarity and understanding. You are a gift.

@shineshoeful 2 жыл бұрын

Gosh. Makes it easy to understand their constant state of drama. What a blessing it is indeed to be able to be at peace. ☮️

@ambermoore6070 2 жыл бұрын

You impress the shit out of me. You are exactly right in my opinion. In my experience. Thank you. I’m glad I found you.

@seidahmartin9781 4 жыл бұрын

I really enjoy listening. It has given me such a better understanding. It is amazing how one person's brokenness can brush off on to the other. Please keep doing the amazing job of educating us more about this personality disorder. Much appreciated. It is real and so many women are suffering in silence.

@canada957 Жыл бұрын

And men!

@onaja5791 8 ай бұрын

Thank you prof. Vaknin for your excellent explaining the nature of narcissism 👍

@wendyyoung986 4 жыл бұрын

My narcissist did not seem to care that I was leaving.. maybe right when it happened but within days he found another supply and started berating me and telling me that the best thing that ever happened to him was me leaving because he found his true mate... she was number 5 major relationship and # 4 wife..

@Alaina-w6y 4 жыл бұрын

How funny, mine went the opposite! I was berated by my ex-husband (who has been in a long-term, committed relationship) for being the worst woman he's ever been with and if I truly had character I would have never left. I told him that he should be thankful I left then...he wasn't moved😏. At least I am thankful!🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

@ceuson3 2 жыл бұрын

My narcissistic spouse would be working out in the yard & then meet up with me and start arguing with me mid sentence, because my internal snapshot had been his companion for the last hour. I originally tried to follow along & help build understanding. Eventually I realized he had no interest in finding the reality of my actual thoughts. He liked my annoying pitiful avatar best. It's a real romance killer.....it's like he chose me over ME. Crazy making.

@margaritagomez3490 Жыл бұрын

This is soooo mind blowing!! Thanks for explaining, this goes deeper than deep 😮

@anneneo9158 2 жыл бұрын

im beyond words to describe the wisdom,thought and beautiful communication of Professor Sam in this amazing video ❤️❤️❤️

@LOOTLORD605 4 жыл бұрын

Narc+Weed=The Total Fantasy Land child Man.

@tooauxxy 4 жыл бұрын

Omg I was like this combination has to be the worst of all bc when there's no weed 😂 oh boy

@dianematlock7922 4 жыл бұрын

If you think weed is bad...cocaine and meth narcs will eat you alive... They will steal the air you breathe to get a rush...RUN...

@LOOTLORD605 4 жыл бұрын

@@dianematlock7922 because you allow them.

@dianematlock7922 4 жыл бұрын

ah, you must be one yourself...trigger...

@LOOTLORD605 4 жыл бұрын

Perhaps you should reflect a bit before comment.

@simmerdownsarah 3 жыл бұрын

“There’s no punch line- except the narcissist’s life.” 🤣🤣🤣 ☠️

@pamelawinson3192 4 жыл бұрын

Walk away ......LM massacred my emotions. Now I have to have anger therapy...

@scottbrennan6450 4 жыл бұрын

I appreciated this video in particular, its depth and nuance. It helps explain some of the complexities I had as a man in an age gap relationship with a younger narcissistic woman, and how I provided a supply of stability that helped her feel human, and how that feeling of being human ultimately mortified her. It's important to note that women can be narcissists, and seek out the absent father figure. The pejorative view is to say the woman has "daddy issues." But, indeed, this may be the case, if the narcissist is seeking in an intimate partner the infantile enmeshment S. V. describes in relation to the parental figure. Of course, finding that state of being is a fantasy; it's momentary, and always fleeting. Thanks for the video. It gives me much to think about as I try to untangle myself emotionally and move on from my addiction to the narcissist.

@isabelmarcheselli Жыл бұрын

So insightful, thank you

@kenromano8603 3 жыл бұрын

Brilliant, thank you for explaining this so deeply.

@ivy3839 4 жыл бұрын

Love the explanation, supply of SSS !!

@dianee9532 4 жыл бұрын

Thank you for explaining. This is screwed up and its a waste of precious time, move on.

@JM-fm9tz 4 жыл бұрын

Whenever it was I had to leave my husband for a week because he was having a break down I didn't feel safe there with him and the kids with him whenever I came back to the house he had printed out a hundred pictures of the family and put them all over the wall like wallpaper. And he blamed me for leaving him and making him feel making him feel abandoned....

@JM-fm9tz 4 жыл бұрын

@@CatsInHats-S.CrouchingTiger I hear you 😉

@timtroutt 4 жыл бұрын

I’m using a friends account I’m a chick well I do have to agree on the lack of connection during intimacy.Like No Connection

@jeannelong6829 4 жыл бұрын

You've described the problem perfectly and the only viable solution is non-dualism (an inadequate yet necessary word used here because we're forced to use words to describe the indescribable.)

@anne-cj3rf Жыл бұрын

Thanks I never understood it now my eyes are open he married a little girl then I grew up and he couldn't deal with my new me he started devalued mentally then graduated to physical after 40 yrs of marriage but now he is grandiose get all my old friends now he feels big after all the all congregation clapping for him but now I get it it was very painful now I need to free me thanks

@Downloadeodeo 3 жыл бұрын

That was excellent.

@sanniichigo949 4 жыл бұрын

I wonder if my father telling me that he doesn't remember hurtful things he said or did was just gaslighting or maybe he really dissosiates from those things to the point he actually doesn't remember them? Not that it makes it any different to me, I'm 4 years no-contact

@marymastandrea2640 4 жыл бұрын

Horrible fake reality lived. all a nightmare. Never passed

@eurokay4755 4 жыл бұрын

Sanni ichigo - My mother is a covert narcissist, and my older brother, "Bob", is a malignant narcissist who abused me in every possible way all my life. I've only in the past 20 years or so begun to realize that the pattern included Mom, who not only suffers his abuse but demands that I do as well. The only time I ever recall her striking me was when I was around 18. Bob had graduated high school, dropped out of college and was hanging out permanently at the family home, no job, no school, drug use, etc. The house rules were that my parents would shelter and provide for us as long as we were in school, unmarried and not pregnant. Once we declared we were done with school or ready to start our own family, we were on our own. Except. . .Bob. To further complicate things, our dad had been diagnosed with chronic progressive MS a couple of years before, so there was a lot of household stress already because my parents had no idea how much longer he'd be able to work. My mom went back to work, so more of the household chores got shifted to my younger brother and me. But not Bob; he was housed, fed, his laundry done, etc without comment. I was responsible for picking up my younger brother after school, any errands, and getting dinner started in the evenings. I had come home to a completely filthy kitchen, containers and food all over the counters,dirty dishes in the sink, etc. that I had to first clean before I could unpack the groceries and start dinner. Bob was sleeping in the game room the whole time. Mom came home and we both were snippy, but at some point I remember saying something about it being unfair that Bob had no responsibilities. She asked me what I thought they should do, "throw him out on the street?" I had my back turned to her, and I don't remember exactly what I said, but I remember it being something like making him stick to the rules for once. Before I knew what had happened, she slapped me on the backside a couple of times and told me how selfish I was. Nothing, absolutely nothing was ever just the predictable result of his arrogant, condescending, self-serving search for pleasure; he was always the victim, somehow, of a misunderstanding or malignant person. All 3 of us kids had basically the same privileges, choices and responsibilities (no mental illness or disabilities, same hometown schools, stable, 2-parent home, etc), but he was always, always "excused." We're all now in our 50s. Mom is 85, and dad has been deceased for 20 years. My younger brother and I have long-term marriages, stable, professional careers, loving families, friends we spend time with, etc. Bob has been divorced for over 20 years, has one child and 2 grandchildren, has blown through multiple jobs by blowing up at directors, superintendents and co-workers. He has few friends and seems to delight in alienating people via social media these days. He recently decided to "retire" 15 years early and move to the corner of the US where his daughter has built a life with her husband and in-laws, as far away as possible from where he,, Mom and I have lived, running a family business. I hope he's able to control himself and not cause his daughter any problems, but my intuition says it's not likely.

@eurokay4755 4 жыл бұрын

@@Johannastairwellstudio Isn't it nuts, sitting there watching them treat their mother/biggest defender as if they're an uneducated 8 year old? And then to have your mother be hostile to you because you refuse to engage in the same dynamic is simply crazy-making. The only healthy solution is to have no personal interactions, just superficial, kind and brief exchanges to be sure she's safe. I wish you peace, health and growth and thank you for your good wishes. We'll get through this and be stronger for it!💕

@eurokay4755 4 жыл бұрын

@@Johannastairwellstudio I'm so glad. Invalidation by Mom, whom I mistakenly believed would at least confirm my experiences, was one of the things I still sometimes struggle to reconcile. Why I would have thought she would acknowledge the unfairness is beyond me, as the pattern has been 100% consistent all my life. My brother's conduct has resulted in a living situation that I would not want at all for myself or anyone I love. I think about what I might do in my mother's shoes if it were my son. I can understand the impulse to try defend and promote a person who always seems to self-sabatage, but beyond a certain point, you aren't helping. You're actually part of the problem.

@eurokay4755 4 жыл бұрын

@@Johannastairwellstudio Johanna - I think people are very complicated. I choose to believe that most are fundamentally good, kind people. Sometimes good, kind people struggle and have bad days and they can act in ways that are inconsistent with their core values. When the person has consistently acted in ways to undercut, abuse. ridicule or humiliate you, without apology or recognition, you need to acknowledge they are not part of the "generally good" population. Maybe they would be better with a different person or group. but they are no longer entitled to the benefit of the doubt or your assumption that they mean no harm. Distance. silence.and emotionless detachment are the only pathways out of the quagmire. If you can do the non-emotional detachment, you'll be free quicker than you can imagine. I tried this with my malignant narcissistic older brother, and once he figured out I wasn't mad, sad, upset, etc and wasn't going to interact with him in any way. he literally moved halfway across the country. For the first time in his entire life, he lives more than an hour away from our Mom and now lives within 30 minutes of his own happily married, well-adjusred adult daughter and her little family. I hope it doesn't happen, but am curious to see how long it will take for him create drama there. Maybe he will be able to change for her. I sure hope so.

@jayspeed999 Жыл бұрын

I just don't understand how he can be so precise in explaining the narcissist.....

@DutchDansing 4 ай бұрын

because he is one himself. Diagnosed twice.

@lisameyer7757 2 жыл бұрын

All a person has to do is stay off the narcissist's radar. I seem to attract these yahoos...does that mean I am the worst narcissist ever? My problem with this kind of disfunction goes way back! Prof. Vaknin explains this perfectly but does not show us how to avoid these horrible situations.🤑

@marilynrosario228 Жыл бұрын

Search the Channel

@Sitting_on_a_perch 4 ай бұрын

Look up Anna Runkle - she has a saying “I might attract mosquitoes but that doesn’t mean I marry them” It’s not about what we attract, it’s about what we let in and let stay. Good luck!

@lordgorbatt 4 жыл бұрын

Hello Sam! Thank you for all your content, find it really interesting. I was wondering if there is any studies/theories regarding narcissism and creativty, for example is it possible for a narcissist to self-express through art best regards

@samvaknin 4 жыл бұрын

Search my channel before you waste my time.

@lordgorbatt 4 жыл бұрын

@@samvaknin Cool thanks!

@kafthegreat 4 жыл бұрын

I have a narcissistic neighbour. Stalking me. I’ve never had, nor wish to have a relationship with it. This man is everything I detest in a man. And I can’t get him to stop. I’m unable to move due to shortage of homes. What’s the best way to deal with it on a day to day basis as it lives below me please ?

@samvaknin 4 жыл бұрын

The best way is to use your finger in a differently: to search this channel for advice on stalking and stalkers. Do your homework.

@kategalt1824 4 жыл бұрын

Sam, just a question regarding your assertion that the narcissist has no ego: Is it not the fragile, emerging ego---irreparably damaged in the infant-mother bonding stage---that becomes the false self? For example, a person with a healthy ego can mediate between internal and external objects; a person with a weak ego (shades of narcissism) mediates the space through manipulation and defensiveness, still acknowledging differentiation; a pathological narcissist experiences himself in a vacuum and therefore the shattered/confused ego alone is the king of the castle in a perpetual war for survival. Though mortification may reveal on the rare occasion that he has no clothes, still the narcissist's ego is king by divine right, i.e., inherited through the mother's default. Would appreciate your feedback on this, or perhaps you have addressed this in a video? If so, kindly reference. Know how much I APPRECIATE YOU and all you do to demystify the narcissist and his/her behaviours.

@samvaknin 4 жыл бұрын

The False Self is a totally INVENTED construct (like an imaginary friend or god in religion). It is not a mutated psychological “functionary” or inner construct gone developmentally awry. Some narcissists actually remember when and how they had concocted the False Self. samvak.tripod.com/faq48.html And, yes, now that you mention it, I have very many videos dedicated to this topic. So, do your homework and search the channel.

@kategalt1824 4 жыл бұрын

@@samvaknin Thank you for your response and link. I've now also watched and appreciated the videos specifically referencing the ego. In the 2016 video, your explanation using Freud's understanding of the classical ego spoke to my question, to wit: "The narcissist's ego is completely unconscious, submerged. The pre-conscious and conscious parts are detached from it by early traumas and they form the false self together with the ego ideal."

@samvaknin 4 жыл бұрын

The modern concept of the False Self is based on Winnicott’s work. Watch my other vids on the ego (just search for the keyword “ego”) and the one on the hive mind.

@kategalt1824 4 жыл бұрын

@@samvaknin That was precisely the video in which I found the desired information...and quoted! Thank you again!

@vallivergano239 8 ай бұрын

My narc was an orphan and was only adopted at age 4. I always wondered about how deep the wound really was

@MrRockfan85 Жыл бұрын

Damn i Love your intros!!!! 😅

@Inreallife25 4 жыл бұрын

Just don't understand why they don't want to be normal and human!!! Is it the selfishness??? Perhaps they are so spoiled from an enabler. But they rest of the world is out there...just one enabler...how can he get this grandiose!!

@chrisg7795 3 жыл бұрын

Is it possible to stop the mortification that comes with the world (including the primary partner/spouse) mirroring his failings back to him? If the primary partner shows him that there’s a way through failures by integrating them (gradually moving the black and white thinking into grey thinking)? The thing his mother didn’t allow him to experience (separation, acknowledging of mistakes, apologizing and inegrating of lapses without doubting his basic goodness)?

@termitori 4 жыл бұрын

even if the true self enjoy reality , is frightening , fantasy of the false self is unlimited, is hard for the narc to quit is primary addiction to is fake self , because reality can change , fear of rejection and abandonment .... this is a sad mess

@slavkomatijevic7875 3 жыл бұрын

@sebastien termitor: I've noticed with my female narc (while we were dating), it's like at times she would act like a normal person, you know, play cards with me, listen to music, eat, walk, go to the cinema yet it's like she was never there... you know why? 'Cause as much as she likes to do such things that all normal people like to do in their free time and when they are seeing someone/dating it's the constant fear of being seen as an ordinary girl/human being that got to her! It's as if she could never relax around me, be herself and out of such fear & jumpiness would come such evil remarks comments about me and others (as if her evil dark side just couldn't let her go to enjoy life and constantly forcing her to sabotage herself and everything/everyone around her)! It's a sad world of her's, as of all narc's cause with such limited thinking they ultimately deny life and live in death (they may walk, talk and act like humans) but inside they are dead/in denial/frozen!

@danielbushman 4 жыл бұрын

Magical thinking: kzbin.info/www/bejne/o3u3cmaMo9Rrgrc Shared fantasy: kzbin.info/www/bejne/kJq8iKyflpmKh9E These topics covered in several videos, these linked videos being only the most recent of each which are devoted primarily to their respective topic.

@samvaknin 4 жыл бұрын

Thank you. There are several additional vids on the topic of shared fantasy among the most recent ones.

@anne-cj3rf Жыл бұрын

I spend 40 yrs on that until he left because I grew up so real

@jassminyoung2605 4 жыл бұрын

Sam, what kind of attachment do you think narcissists have? Out of all the insecure attachment types (anxious, ambivalent, disorganized) which do you think narcissists have for the most part? I ask because I have bpd with strong narc. Features and my style is fearful-avoidant/disorganized. Have you done a video on the attachment style of the narc? I would love to see it! This was a good one too and made me think about the specific attachment styles. Thank you for your wisdom.

@samvaknin 4 жыл бұрын

Forthcoming.

@SK-no2pp 4 жыл бұрын

Usually dismissive avoidant or disorganized attachment

@jassminyoung2605 4 жыл бұрын

@@Johannastairwellstudio well, I dont. LOL. I am 2 parts fearful and 3 parts avoidant so the friends that I do have, I can count on one hand, and I keep them all at arms length. I engage in push/pull very intensely because I have no other schema. Sometimes i pull them close, like when im needy, and then I push them away when they have disappointed me or when I am hurting and dont want anyone around. Right now, I am hurting. I am on the edge of going no contact with my narcissistic mom and her brood and it is extremely painful for me, so like a wounded dog, I have teeth bared and gnashed at anyone who is too close currently. I dont have the strength to "nurture" friendships and also grieve the loss of the mother I never really had. I have one mostly secure, stable relationship in my life and that is with my godmom who sort of rescued me years ago and pulled me out. I owe a lot of my sanity to her. She is securely attached and understands me, she sees me and doesnt easily take offense when I do push/pull with her. She gives me space when I need it but is always there really, like a safety net. It is on this foundation that I am trying desperately to rebuild myself. It also because od this foundatio. that I can let go of my mom, as I stopped living with her years ago as well. But the grief is still there. So i dont really have friends, and the friends that I do have, I am distant with and have a hard time engaging. I also am prone to leave rships suddenly. At the drop of a hat. I am very very good at running away. So there you have it! I muddle along just like you. Bpd is not easy and I lead a very lonely life.

@divasword4002 4 жыл бұрын

Hi, I am in a pretty confused situation after being left alone and almost abandoned after being cheated on by my husband of 14 years. I am trying to figure out if hes a narcissist or if I am a narcissist or are wrong both narcissists ? I am trying to decide whether to stay and make it work or leave him. We have 3 children involved so I cannot be thinking just about myself. I would like to talk to you, I need some help.

@SoniaSonia-qw1zo 11 ай бұрын

When you know who these people are, it s hilarious

@natlee5879 Жыл бұрын

Just wow

@rachelrose9348 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you

@saturncomes 4 жыл бұрын

If a narcissist becomes aware of his diagnosis and identifies with what you've described in this video, can he choose to overcome his illness?

@OlgaKozhemiakina 4 жыл бұрын

I had an affair with a psychoanalytic with diagnosed narcissism. He could do nothing with himself. And didn't want to, I think. Every word of doctor Vaknin about narcissism is a true.

@OlgaKozhemiakina 4 жыл бұрын

@@CatsInHats-S.CrouchingTiger it was a classic rollercoaster. He used his profound knowledge and experience in psychoanalysis to gaslight me. I have no any traces of his almost criminal behaviour. He is extremely cautious. Nobody would believe me. He also uses his patients, as I fully understand now. If not Sam Vaknin, whom I occasionally found here, I would be completely enslaved. My children also helped me a lot, as they managed to preserve a healthy mind. I am so happy now, feel like real surviver)