Hatebombing: Malignant Narcissist’s Inverted Shared Fantasy (Odd Couples Series)

Locus of grandiosity of malignant (psychopathic) and sadistic narcissists is their invulnerability, unemotionality, flat attachment, rigidity, and heartless cruelty (disguised as altruism, if prosocial).
They are transactional:
To the narcissist, all people are useful tools (in both senses of the word) or collateral damage. The impact the narcissist is having on people’s lives, for better or for worse, is a mere by-product or a side effect of his/her pursuit of grandiosity-affirming narcissistic, sadistic, or self-supply.
Do you care about me? Narcissist: I do. You are useful to me. But, don’t you have emotions for me? N: I don’t do emotions. I do relationship maintenance. I do business: give and take. So, why stay in touch? N: I owe you. I repay my debts. Plus, you could still be useful.
Their shared fantasy is inverted; they start with hatebombing, devaluation and discard (the whole point of the fantasy), mixed with negative idealization (mythological demonization). So, their fantasies are extremely short, nasty, and brutal.
In rare cases, when the potential partner is also a malignant or sadistic narcissist, they become codependent or borderline, though still manifesting dysregulated abuse and coercive behaviors.
In such inverted shared fantasies, they transition to the role of a victim, letting the counterparty initiate the separation by betraying them (betrayal fantasy).
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[@idiliusmidilius]

"I've enjoyed my voice...and your silence." Hahaha, Dr. Vaknin you're hilarious 💚

[@LexiimaWriter]

Great... ! Make those transcripts your copyright. No one seems to give this man the credit he deserves. Everyone just steals his content .... Professor is definitely brilliant. My go to to understanding narcissism. ❤

[@Hotishh99]

How can you steal something that’s free? People are constantly giving him his flowers. That was just unnecessary.

[@jimgillert20]

Hate bombing was the method used by co-students in junior high and high school on me. This is why I did not know of love bombing untill adulthood.

[@Hotishh99]

Same

[@govandahmed1846]

psychopathic narcissists are honest from start😂

[@AremAsha]

Finally! This explains my experience so well! I never had the love bombing. You have described him exactly. He misjudged me though. I did warn him not to see my “kindness” as weakness. He thought he was getting away with the things he said and did like “water off a ducks back.” But I tired of the intermittent passion and compliments mixed in with the hatebombing and I became uncontrollable, unpredictable, and left on my terms, out of the blue, and with him thinking he was about to be exposed and have his life fall down around him. It was satisfying after how superior, self sufficient, proudly anti-feelings, manipulative, condescending, smug, grandiose, transactional and sadistic he was. Am I a psychopath? Maybe a little bit borderline I suspect.

[@dior228]

​@@AremAshaborderline knows how to handle with narcissists

[@bc986frAPBc]

I chose to keep these individuals at a distance. This seemed to enrage them. Cue the harrassment and stalking. I was horrified.😊

[@IdiotMan]

I am baffled by the constant influx of new information by this most handsome and ingenius professor!

[@johntracey4196]

yes plenty of hatebombing from the malignant female narcissist

[@vg7985]

It doesn’t matter - women or men- same hate . In general, more men are narcissistic, but females now are catching up. My father unfortunately was a poster boy for this type of hatred narcissism. I am listening to this, and it’s my family’s playbook. Family was never good enough for him. My mother who was working three jobs to please him ( and actually was making more money than him) was called freeloader, lazy, wasteful all the time. I was constantly called stupid and was allowed to go to college only after my school advisor came to my house to talk to my father in person. His hatred of women was overwhelming. I heard every single day that if girl is born, you should smash her head into the wall and enjoy seeing her brain splashing, that woman is nothing just rag to clean man’s shoes. He never bough a single birthday gift to his daughters and was taking away gifts that they received from someone else as “undeserved”. For my master’s graduation his reaction was - oh I can’t believe how stupid are these people awarding you that degree. How do you think my father affected my relationship with other men?

[@user-kg6dv5xo5i]

I have to tell you that I learned a lot from you and began to feel peace with my relationship coming to an end with a narcisist.

[@djza6720]

If a narcissist's goal are to dicard their partners, why do they still keep long-term relationships like marriages that last decades?

[@samvaknin]

Watch the relevant playlists.

[@skysteelex]

As long as their is narcissistic supply for them, they will usually stay

[@130VonKleist]

Thanks for bringing this up. After going through so much research, id felt robbed of the whole lovebombing introduction i kept hearing about so much.

[@Suskinwalton]

Thank you for making your transcripts available!

[@Heydear1199]

Omg! That happened to me! 8 years later I’m out of it.

[@sumedhay]

After ending my relationship with a covert narc of 4 yrs, I've done alot of study on narcissism, manipulation and all the red flags to look out for while dating. Its been a year since i broke up, and i recently when on date with a guy n i was very confused about the way he treated me. Through the date he was constantly belittling, calling me names and bragging about himself. I never went on date with him again, but i was very confused about his behaviour and this video just made all my doubts clear. Thank You Professor.

[@chriskahlson]

Knowledge is power and Prof. SV is highly knowledgeable and shares power - thank you Prof. SV

[@Kookia220]

Fascinating and I really do believe that I have witnessed this

[@faunaflora-tw7eo]

Thank you Sam . Ive been questioning how i ended up in a relationship even though i was put down in the beginning that escalated to horrible violence . Ive been trying to figure thi out for years . Finally i saw this video and thing made sense . Thank you so much for explain what and why it happened .

[@christianzelinka2071]

again eye opening! finally explains the not existing lovebombing fase and direct separation from first moments, which has the effect that you want to get what you can not have.

[@AremAsha]

That is exactly the effect it has. I initially thought he was insecure and playing treat them mean, keep them keen and trying to make me want what I couldn’t have… but this video describes exactly how he was and how it unfolded. It finally answers my question I have never had answered about why instead of love bombing that everyone speaks of it was like a push pull hatebombing mixed with (fake) passion and admiration etc

[@VanessaAnn93]

Your timing is impeccable, thank you

[@skysteelex]

God's timing is always perfect

[@Wondr420]

Der maligne Narzisst erspart sich im Grunde das "Vorspiel" und geht direkt zur Sache....quasi sowas wie ein "Quickie"...🤔😉

[@ArtbyIWL]

I wonder if they ever stop this "separation" devaluation drama? I see a very repeating pattern! Can they ever realize their own behavior? Thank you for interesting education!

[@user-tb6rb7nh9r]

No!!!!!! The pattern is always the same. Holy Shit didn't this happen last month and the one before and so on. But is like brand new to them . Ally journals say the same thing. It's crazy making. They will never hear you no matter how loud you say it .

[@thelau61]

Proper post👍 thanks, professor.

[@latikabenz6289]

Hahaha omg this is what I used to hear from him, "if I ever need or depend on someone , that day I kill myself "

[@joannasimmonds3706]

Enlightening and entertaining as ever, thank you

[@beesknees5441]

Thanks Professor ✨ Fantastic terminology! & Wonderful insight 💫 It definitely helps in comprehending a few historical encounters & shone a light on a more recent & confusing event. Thanks again 🎉

[@LauraAllen-nm9ws]

Wow! Thank you Prof. Vaknin. You've explained here the psychological workings of the novel Gone Girl. You also thoroughly explained the mindset of a former housemate who, thankfully, I haven't seen in years. Bravo to you for yet another brilliant video lecture!

[@LauraAllen-nm9ws]

No thank you. I prefer to keep the conversation in a public forum. But I appreciate your interest. 😊

[@suzanavukolic3538]

His hoovering looked like hatebombing. Is it possible?

[@samvaknin]

Yes.

[@johnhanaly2943]

So insightful! Going through my divorce I bought 3 racing bikes! This isn't psychoanalysis, it's prophecy!

[@johnhanaly2943]

although it was only a coincidence, LOL

[@ZizoYahya-ly3ge]

Another insightful video thanks. More videos on sadistic psychopaths and sadists will be appreciated.

[@samvaknin]

Search the channel for "sadis".

[@ivapetrova4447]

Like Prof Vaknin sense of humor 😂

[@sawdustadikt979]

This could be a good explanation for a few interactions I’ve had in my life. No way to know for sure. One of these interactions was at my first networking event I ever attended. Guy went of on me after I introduced myself, I never laid eyes on him in my life. Talk about facing your public speaking fears. Having some stranger shout you down with mouth frothing rage in front of 50 other complete strangers. I had to get to know the guy and he had a lot of the characteristics you spoke of here. Like I said, that wasn’t the only time that happened, but it was the most recent.

[@TheMazinoz]

Similar experience with new neighbours. Abuse from the "get go". Their very first words. My initial words to them were innocuous, nothing insensitive. Later encountered more of the family who were all the same. Just curious but were the males you met engineers or in IT?

[@sawdustadikt979]

@@TheMazinoz ya! I’ve predictably had that experience with those trades for sure, those professions seem to be vulnerable cluster b type magnets. The guy I spoke of was a house painter, I’m a self employed carpenter. After learning a lot about cluster b and the vulnerable type, he had a lot of the traits. Learning all of that made his behavior nearly predictable. The thing I had a hard time with was that being kind to them, offering help, having integrity, being genuine are all reasons that will set them into a rage, if you have a combination or all of those traits, you have mortal enemies in perfect strangers.

[@elenaaleksov8604]

Yes this is so true 😰

[@a.k.2869]

thank you sam for all you job you are the best

[@alinajeziorska5959]

Thank you

[@lorrainedyer-nq6uq]

Dear Sam, do they do this knowingly and intentionally please? It would seem the psychopath is indeed up front and honest from the beginning.

[@samvaknin]

Search the channel for "aware".

[@madbee3]

A hate bombing narcissistic parent is what I grew up with

[@user-fv9lp3sg5k]

Prof sam. This is how my life plays out right now.

[@bc986frAPBc]

Dr. Vaknin, if the narcisstic person recognizes that love-bombing is not going to work, will they then switch to hate bombing? I have had two seperate acquitances that tried love bombing me and i saw them for what they were. I refused to let them in my life. I choose who

[@samvaknin]

No. Hatebombers never lovebomb.

[@cashmeoutsideadams258]

This was my ex 100. I think this is why our divorce was so easy. Finally, you described it all.

[@uk7769]

so a crazy example of this type of person is Rick from the show Rick & Morty?

[@user-qi4lq1cx5u]

Love you so much, prof) from Russia😊😊😊

[@baleny]

Love the Sam Vaknin Horror Show ❤😂

[@Mimi-lj3id]

Thank you Professor! Very informative, very helpful, as always! Can the hatebombing happen at regular intervals throughout the relationship? Thank you ❤

[@samvaknin]

No. It is relentless and constant.

[@Mimi-lj3id]

Thank you Professor

[@musical1innm]

'Are you stupid? '. 'You are exactly like my mother '. Hatred and rage within one month of knowing him . He is 65 acting like 12. Devalued me on a trip to sed his 87 y o daddy in Arkansas. Longest trailer trip. Lots of drinking hidden from his daddy while visiting. Never met her

[@quanticthinking1517]

just remembered this interactions with a girl some time ago which fit this pattern. it was annoying and confusing. she would approach or call me first and signal interest, i would signal interest back which triggered devaluation and hate. didnt bother me and certainly was no red flag for me back then just thought what a weird and dysfunktional strategy it was to approach someone of interest to you in that way. amuzingly ive just realized also some of the words she uttered to me wolud be an excellent fishing hook for a masochist

[@karlippo]

Prof ahhh what an insight… I always wondered why some didn’t even bother to “put their best foot forward “ but were hatebombing from the start.. aka they didnt even feel the need to be bothered of being liked or risking losing their target! Its something I always wondered. But prof do they sometimes disguise these acts as “just being a joke “ when confronted or they just don’t ever bother and don’t give a 🐀 ‘s ass? i guess its the latter- is the “its just a joke” more of an average narcissist’s way? Thank you

[@Martaliniaestetica]

El mío estaba orgullos de ser malo

[@djza6720]

My narcissist said to me: " I made you weak. Your weakness is pitiful. This is only the beginning of how much pain I can inflict on you."

[@randideelancaster9904]

😂 they taddle on them selves, you aren't week, they where 😂

[@wynetsang]

Love always goes with hate.

[@samvaknin]

Not always. Search the channel for “ambiv”.

[@user-fe9xl3cd2s]

Hi Professor, can a malignant narcissist hateboombin a year after and do lovebomb the same victim ? Thank you for all contributions you make on this channel.

[@samvaknin]

Watch the video more attentively.

[@maryambrose8466]

Interesting.. can they exhibit both style at the same time ? One to the current supply with love bombing and the hate bombing to the discarded supply? I receive nasty messages via bank statements since it’s the only way to get through my no contact. Such a loser.. extortion payments.. or returning personal items to a friends house. I’m no contact for 4 plus years.. he married the affair partner and is supposedly sooo happy. What gives? That’s not an example of a happy person

[@samvaknin]

No. Hatebombers never lovebomb.

[@suzannechurcher1745]

I was hate bombed when I called time on my relationship with my now ex. Text after text with a only a couple words to describe me in insults. Like a nut job firing off a gun in the air to scare people

[@laceybutler7713]

OK well I just went through that for about a year The more I watch your videos the more I realize.. In the case of someone who hates bombs, is it possible for any other personality type to be kept around or want to be part of it long-term than another sadistic narcissist? Anything related to sexual preferences, perhaps.

[@paullothyan8602]

What is the underninig factor in this three percent of the narcissist community , compared to the others.what would cause them to reverse the cycle of love bomb discard phase.

[@samvaknin]

All narcissist go through shared fantasies. Nothing can "reverse" this dynamic.

[@nataliapetrova5040]

Is it possible to start with hatebombing and to transit into the lovebombing stage from the same person? Thanks

[@samvaknin]

No.

[@RominaPL88]

Does mortification always take place in public or can a narcissist be mortified if his partner devalues him privately?

[@samvaknin]

Search the channel for “mortif”.

[@shalaemayville9863]

In the beginning do some narcissists switch between love bombing and hate bombing? I am asking because i know i was love bombed, but he also did some things that made me question whether he actually liked me or not. He would reject me after telling me he wanted me or he'd ignore me for other women. Yet he'd spoil me with gifts i didnt even ask for. It was confusing.

[@samvaknin]

Narcissists either lovebomb or hatebomb. These are two distinct styles.

[@SilentG20]

Professor - can a non-malignant narcissist become temporarily malignant with someone and then switch back with someone else? Or a malignant narcissist switch to non-malignant with someone temporarily or for some purpose?

[@samvaknin]

Not likely. But a narcissist can have a primary psychopathic self-state. In other words: act as a pure psychopath would.

[@yvelainearmstrong9752]

Yes hate bombing ... i know that one ...

[@Martaliniaestetica]

Muy buena explicación pero la frase final sobraba profesor😊

[@ririimari]

Brontosaurus isn't real anymore!! 😆

[@merccomm8715]

Once a narcissist realizes he's a narcissist how does he get treatment?

[@samvaknin]

Watch the therapies playlist.

[@delicatelace8830]

Bravo feminism😂😂😂😂

[@nicaragusa]

W😮W

[@FullRevive7]

I used to laugh during the hate bombing. Thought she was just joking. It was so ridiculous and over the top, and always came after someone else praised me. Straight up hater 😂 I remember we were playing a video game, and I went down a rank that I worked hard to get to because she was on my team and was bad at the game. She cheered that my rank was now closer to hers 😂 Glad that 🤡 discarded me. Lord knows I would’ve endured it all.

[@ninablessing9350]

Vaknin talks..hasn't that been around for a while already?

[@samvaknin]

Which part of “updated” is beyond your comprehension?

[@ninablessing9350]

@@samvaknin Forgive me. I believe I misinterpreted and wrote the comment in haste. I was not fully cognizant.

[@christopheriwaniuk2589]

Please talk ,talk,.

[@angelcandelaria6728]

This describes my birthday that just passed with the birth giver 😂(life taker)

[@saskiavermeulen3346]

Sam vaknin horror show😂

[@concernedcitizen2076]

Sounds like a possible reason for witch burning back in the dark ages.

[@cecillekinnear4585]

This comes from Donald Trumps play book.