John Mulaney Monologue - SNL

[@BillWilhelm]

John: "I mean a lot to a small group of people." Everyone in the comments: "He's talking about meeeeeee!"

[@purplerainpurplerain9759]

I wanted to like this comment, but thought it would be funnier to keep the number of likes lower than the others. 😆

[@xneongoldenx]

YOU DON’T KNOW ME!!!!!

[@whoresalad]

😍😭

[@lucykochis2003]

And ME!

[@dragonwoah7983]

YAS I raised my hand when he said that and I was like mememememememme

[@jefforear641]

“Shifting topics entirely” is the greatest transition in any form of public speaking. #EnglishMajor

[@epicremarc]

He’s spent $120k to learn to do that (He spent the rest of the time on drugs)

[@luked8449]

"And now for something completely different"

[@partialbullet2215]

"Because that is what we did back then"

[@mangostreetproject]

In summary and in summation ?

[@noahdirk-qs8vv]

“Segues are weird” - Bo Burnham

[@TalkAsSoftAsChalk]

"They knew how to make pens. They were just being jerks." This is how I feel about the entire wizarding world in Harry Potter using quills. I love them to death but they have to admit they did it for the aesthetics.

[@TheAmityElf]

You just know it's because Muggles created pens and they refused to adopt anything Muggles created.

[@pileofgoodthings]

its like the letters, just use a fucking phone mate

[@notgoodwithnames78]

Like toilets. No, seriously, look it up. Wizards in Harry Potter apparently didn’t use toilets for the longest time and instead did their business ON THE FLOOR and just used their wands to make it go away. Who knows how the kids managed it? Did they just kind of crap on the floor and wait for an adult to come along and be like “oh, a human child or some large animal pooped here” before waving it away?

[@WebsterAnn]

You guys. The weird non-refusal of wizards to adopt technology is a reflection of magic used throughout their cultural and historical development. They didn't need to develop - all kinds of things, right, because they had magic. I think it's supposed to be kind of funny and realistic that people who have magic, and can do and create all kinds of amazing and fantastic things, couldn't be bothered to innovate on things like the pen

[@max_dotson]

If you don’t get why they use quills then you’ve obviously never used one, because once I used a quill and immediately was given a degree is philosophy. No test nothing they just hand you one for looking so smart while writing.

[@anyamurry4359]

“Elizabeth! Come meet Lin ᵐᵃⁿᵘᵉˡ"

[@cameronhodgetts920]

Chris Jackson: Amendment number one: freedom of speech, and freedom of assembly, and freedom of expression. Okay, that's one. How about two? Lin: YOU CAN HAVE ALL THE GUNS YOU WANT!

[@lebean8169]

I’m my chorus we have 3 rules: No phones out No eating No talking while the teacher is talking unless Lin Manuel Miranda walks into the room

[@jcarson3721]

@@lebean8169 3 rules and you forgot that THE ARMY CAN'T LIVE IN YA HOUSE

[@ryanrobs.mp4]

JCarson I think you’re going through your own thing right now buddy

[@emilywhitehouse2768]

Cameron Hodgetts Exactly what I was thinking about when he talked about the Founding Fathers! I was just picturing the OBC from Hamilton!

[@jjosie]

John: makes a joke Me: looks to see if the saxophonist with the gray hair laughed * he did * Me: laughs

[@Checkmate1138]

Where in the video did he laugh?

[@redmoptv6606]

Exactly. Lenny Pickett!! Tower of Power.

[@Pozhinat]

Idk why this is me

[@101peacelover]

Pozhinat same

[@magnificentfailure2390]

It's really Tim Robbins portraying Lenny Pickett.

[@vesperfromtheinternet5588]

i mean. i would argue that jesus only had _11_ close friends, but i'm no expert

[@Collaborologist]

Was Mary a "friend"?

[@cola7260]

That one guy that did him dirty....

[@OwlsSkySailing]

Petition to rename Judas to “that one guy that did him dirty”

[@whiteraven181]

@@Collaborologist I mean, Jesus straight-up told the guys that she was his best and most faithful disciple in one of the oldest written versions of the apostles' testimonies/teachings/whatever-you'd-call-them they've found, but the church likes to leave that part out a lot

[@limepop340]

Sam Hahn What kind of sicko considers his mom a “friend”

[@mbanerjee5889]

I want a full show with John Mulaney describing every amendment.

[@victoriaaairl]

yes please

[@amandaknicely4340]

Yes!!!!

[@katiecreates2526]

“NUMBER FOUR, YOU CANT SEARCH MY SHIT UNLESS YOU HAVE A REASON ON A PIECE OF PAPER!” “My GOD dude what is going on in your home-“

[@snukastyle]

That would be an amazing Netflix special

[@robitherat8182]

i want this to happen so i can become a history teacher and show it to the class whenever we're going over the constitution.

[@henmister39]

I hope his next stand up special is just him breaking down all 27 amendments

[@Ash0512]

Henmister3 18th amendment, wow that worked out well!

[@maddie9602]

@@Ash0512 Thirteenth amendment: stop being a dick to black people Fourteenth amendment: No, really, stop being a dick to black people Fifteenth amendment: Seriously, I cannot stress this enough, stop being a dick to black people *turns their back on the South for a hundred years* Goddammit, what did I *just* say?

[@colbygallaher2700]

ethreldur those amendments were made after the whole slavery debacle

[@itsmeh4364]

@@maddie9602 its kind of said when most racism happens in the north - but its so subtle people turn a blind eye to it.

[@TheVeggiekat]

Genesis Casanova racism in the US is like barbecue sauce. You can get it anywhere but every state has its special flavor.

[@buuubble_gum]

"Your dad doesn't have friends. Your mom has friends, and they have husbands." THIS THING IS SO TRUE!

[@ariadnagomez-kelly5393]

It's actually the opposite in my house for some reason 😂 Probably on account of the fact my mum's an immigrant though and my dad is the one to introduce her to people

[@tropicalcandyland6266]

Lmaooo ikrrr

[@Dragonite43]

100% true. My Dad doesn't have friends. XD

[@marenkuether-ulberg3311]

It’s even worse when you realize that the people you know are your child’s school mate’s parents.

[@olivermensinger6022]

Yep.

[@macaoron]

“I’m not someone you need to wish to meet; I’m around.” This perfectly encapsulates why he is popping and everyone loves him 😂😂

[@lackthenametosayit]

yerrr!

[@anthonyurquidez9941]

ShutUp, just say he's great

[@girlgamer4444]

@@anthonyurquidez9941 You don't get it, everyone fucks with john mulaney

[@anasalazar9420]

I saw him playing blackjack at a casino in Vegas once and it killed me to not go say hi 😭 lol

[@lemag5799]

brand is strong!

[@jennaandrews840]

I missed hearing John Mulaney standup that I haven’t heard before. It’s so refreshing

[@gabriellaadiaz]

jenna it’s both iconic and refreshing

[@richardlokely9318]

I saw him live about a year ago and he did the amendment bit then. So I heard that before

[@samberg3864]

@Amy Sternheim Yes, I'm glad you understand how a scripted show works.

[@DjinnRummy]

haha ikr

[@evelynsteudler5967]

jenna have you seen his shows on netflix

[@nikoleopeodu7108]

The fact that Lin Manuel was her first and John Mulaney was her second makes me think she has the best taste in people ever

[@raijonakahara6948]

Right??

[@graybirdwoods2264]

They would most certainly be my choices It would go Lin Manuel Miranda John Mulaney then like, the cast of mean girls the musical, cause why not

[@francinelukban8389]

RIGHT

[@Uufda651]

Please include the word "choice" when I first read your comment I totally got the wrong idea

[@derekmiyahara4298]

Of course, she never said that John Mulaney was her SECOND choice....

[@nathanielibrahim8152]

There's something about John Mulaney that just allows him to get away with all sorts of stuff. He can change jokes just by saying "shifting topics entirely" instead of having some clever transition and it's still somehow hilarious. It's like he has some sort of forbidden knowledge about good comedy, and he can just break all the rules and still be amazing.

[@natethegreat1999]

Bo Burnham literally went *tells joke* “Segways are weird” *starts next joke*

[@jemiebridges3197]

Making a Louis Farakhan joke would be a bold choice even for a black comedian. A+ for pulling that off slick and unoffensive.

[@TalkAsSoftAsChalk]

It's a very very exclusive club. The only two people in stand up I can think of are John and Bo. Bo straight up said "Reset the momentum. I cannot be coasting off the inertia of past jokes." And that was that. We became ready for the next joke/song.

[@rachellibman4493]

He's so good at delivery! I could tell the same story as him and it would not make people laugh lol

[@sleepykoinu]

@@natethegreat1999 probably "segues are weird", not segways. Makes more sense since the joke is a segue.

[@james25duckie3]

When John said “I mean a lot to a small group of people”, John I am very glad to be in that small group and you’ve got it correct when you say you mean a lot us

[@lilybee7334]

I’m Dutch and I usually prefer British over American stand-up comedians, but I really love John Mulaney.

[@Ten13Grl]

@Johnny Martin Goody gumdrops for you.

[@TheTrimed1]

I like Bill Hader so much that his adoration for John Mulaney leaks over. You literally can't be a true fan of Bill Hader without being a fan of Mulaney.

[@mosssssssssssssssss]

@@lilybee7334 SAME

[@davidfuller764]

❤️

[@streamgrapes]

the fact that he consulted TWO lawyers over a joke and still got interrogated by the secret service is the funniest thing to me

[@waterlemonandfriends]

He got WHAT now

[@Mandyn8868]

@@waterlemonandfriends he got investigated after the julius cesear senator joke haha

[@agnimitrasarkar6359]

@@Mandyn8868 wait really?

[@gayvideos3808]

@@Mandyn8868 i dont want to fact check that but if it's true that's AWESOME

[@jongininikim5219]

@@gayvideos3808 it is true. he talked about it in a jimmy kimmel interview.

[@aahmed6167]

I hope they bring him back every leap year.

[@james25duckie3]

Abir Ahmed I hope they bring him back every Saturday.

[@user-dk4ir6hn9n]

😂

[@wizkida981015]

This is the sort of measured youtube comment John would build an entire bit around.

[@clairelevine1426]

we would have to wait til 2048 for that!!

[@hopeyschool3896]

Claire Levine worth it

[@MelodicQuest]

Think of this way, if she hadn't made John Mulaney her second choice, she never would have met Lin Manuel Miranda

[@AmbiixROX]

I mean getting your first AND second choice all in one go?? (; sounds good to me

[@JeffBurden]

Yup, that’s the joke.

[@Seezyy]

That is what he said himself

[@Lanesullivan1984]

That is assuming he was he second choice and not like 10th. Or pulled from a hat...

[@ascent8487]

I’m confused though. Did she ask to meet him and was somehow turned down or the foundation just said there is no chance of that? Or did she simply assume there was no chance? I can’t imagine him refusing to meet a sick kid.

[@NedWasHere94]

“the army doesn't try to live in peoples houses!” British Officers in 1776: **Sad redcoat noises**

[@laurenstell8087]

I was scrolling for this comment. 😂

[@amandasargent2767]

I'd really like to know exactly what *sad redcoat noises* are, you got an audio?

[@quinncowan9742]

Amanda Sargent sounds like redcoats but sad

[@ZannaZatanna1]

@@quinncowan9742 so like muted English murmuring?

[@brucculi349]

@@amandasargent2767 "Bollocks!"

[@elizacarrie7433]

“It’s not hard to find me” I ran into him accidentally at the subway on my birthday! I froze and freaked out and by the time I realized what was happening he’d run off

[@alexandertwol]

Eliza Carrie wow you had a rare encounter, I am envious of your mythical Pokémon encounter

[@kz1000ps]

I've seen him walking his frenchie Petunia! I GOT TO MEET JOHN AND HIS LEGENDARY DOG!!!

[@crystalkadletc1944]

kz1000ps I’m More excited that you got to meet Petunia

[@kz1000ps]

@@crystalkadletc1944 I WAS TOO. I seriously crouched down and Gave 80% of my attention to her. The way John paints her you'd think she were some grisly old battle axe, but in reality she's insanely cute. I WASN'T PREPARED FOR THIS!

[@maryrosekent8223]

Crystal Kadletc Ingratiating yourself to the dog is definitely the way to go, whomever the leash carrier may be.

[@KevenThePuma]

John says “I’m not a dad” like he didn’t just adopt Pete Davidson, that silly Goose.

[@mortalkore]

I was gonna like your comment but since u have 420 likes on ur comment, I decided to leave a comment.

[@Silverwind87]

Too young to be a goose.

[@kayasinensis]

Albert Nave quack quack

[@theorange7564]

Albert Nave oooooo geese

[@thesewinggeekmiri9029]

@@theorange7564 AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! One feels like a goose splashing around in this much wet! And when one is a goose, one is happy!

[@graced4844]

some of this sketch like “i’m here to promote the month of march” and “is one of us about to die?” is funny for different reasons now

[@brutechieftain9321]

**Insert Wee-Bey shocked GIF**

[@ZannaZatanna1]

no hugging though none of that, shoo shoo

[@Wick3DSteely]

Why?

[@jimbarino2]

This was made February 29, 2020. March 2020 is not a month you would want to be promoting.

[@NextBeack]

John Mulaney Talks Like Capitalising The First Letter Of Every Word !

[@DavidEFarner]

Dorian Calin Good Point!

[@MsGrapeNehi]

That’s because he’s running for Mayor of Nothing!

[@davidgoode1427]

I feel like this comment will make it into his standup at some point

[@toucanpam5036]

this comment belongs in a subreddit, but idk wich

[@speeeee35]

Yeah he really barks out his words. I approve.

[@JonAdamich]

This tall child is an incredible host

[@emim.5092]

Don’t you mean that tall child who is also an asian American woman with feminine hips

[@DaniS-vx6vm]

@@emim.5092 That's the thing he's sensitive about!

[@TonyMaynard-SD]

Are you kidding? That tall child looks TERRIBLE

[@Underpants678]

But he needs some sleep

[@brownkemosabe]

@@Underpants678 you can't keep burning the candle at both ends!

[@BookReader-gh2hx]

Has an innocent joke ever aged more poorly than "I'm here to promote the month of March"?

[@Famegonna9999]

Lol. The dreams we had for March lol.

[@jazzman598]

"Amendment number 3! The army can't live in your house!"

[@mvandemar]

@@jazzman598 I just came back to say that! lol!

[@madisonwaycaster9832]

Not as poorly as "THE ARMYCAN'T LIVE IN YA HOUSE!"

[@maddie9602]

Oof.

[@gabelogan5877]

“Lin Manuel Miranda was my first choice.” Damn, that’s a burn. 😂 Great setup. I didn’t see it coming.

[@matthewlazarus121]

If I had a week to decide whether to meet John Mulaney or Lin-Manuel Miranda, I'd take the full week to decide.

[@gabelogan5877]

@@matthewlazarus121 Why couldn't she have both. Who the hell says no to a dying child.

[@J4444ke]

@@gabelogan5877 Guess John has a nicer agent than Lin (Manuel)

[@solarnaut]

Gabe, yeah... it was a funny and self-effacing (in keeping with JM's style) joke … but it does leave the lingering question... the punch line is that despite L-MM being "so nice with her," somehow she had been denied her first choice … ML, I like the idea of blaming that on the agents! :-)

[@benbehrenfeld9379]

Lin... Manuel probably has a way more intensive schedule than mulaney

[@birdgirl2623]

Jesus--11 best friends, and one "frenemy".

[@deb9806]

Hey, he meant well.

[@jetsamperes5762]

Yep - Disciple Eggs Benedict Arnold

[@MrKenimora]

LMAOOOOO

[@billt8504]

Upon meeting Judas Iscariot, Jesus said to him, "Judas? That's your name? Really? You know they have a goat named after you? Google it. It's not a good thing, bro."

[@jessi2077]

that's an amazing joke lol

[@silhouettesix2378]

“I’m here to promote the month of March.” Well, considering how it’s going so far...

[@eldritchteletubby9319]

@Alimah Jalloh yup, just another brand deal gone wrong

[@incompleteriver770]

Hi, September here... help

[@eldritchteletubby9319]

@@incompleteriver770 Hello, welcome to your real-life YA novel. Here's your number and your new family unit. Have a perfect day!

[@emi1yish695]

When you see this and it’s March again

[@qwe1234238]

56​@@eldritchteletubby9319

[@tamumaverick1323]

The same Asian-American woman hosting SNL for the third time? Wow, good for her.

[@bradymurray698]

Still has the feminist hips too

[@addisonkahn4980]

@@bradymurray698 Hey that's what he's sensitive about!

[@epicremarc]

Yeah, but that tall child looks terrible

[@Jaydoggy531]

@@epicremarc Right? He's gotta stop burning that candle at both ends.

[@manarmsgaming9223]

AND WE WILL TREAT HER WITH RESPECT!

[@Itcouldbefunnier]

The 3rd amendment is currently being invoked in the city of DC to prevent National Guard from staying in the hotel's without the owner's consent. What a time to be alive.

[@biancalisa1919]

As soon as I saw the news, I immediately came to watch this monologue again.

[@Winteramen]

Wooooow

[@halleys.comett]

Wait is that bad? I would want to know who was in my building

[@Winteramen]

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. John Mulaney was an AI built in the 50s. General model robot, but its sentience became stronger and stronger till he escaped whatever bounds he was in and started to experience human life. In the 90s he decided to become a comedian. This monologue was his warning us 3 months prior to everything. His combined knowledge of humanity and computerization allows him to make near accurate predictions about the future, near more so, but maybe even far.

[@typacsk]

I have few principles, but I stand by 'em.

[@Mike_Ka-Chowski]

Wow, John mentioned an angry man writing the second ammendment in the same monologue where he mentions Lin Manuel. Those are both Alexander Hamilton

[@thealmightyzim]

Yes

[@silentsmurf]

Um wasn’t James Madison the one who wrote the Bill of Rights?

[@livispuzzled]

@@silentsmurf yeah but the rest of congress helped to come up with the ideas

[@jamezkpal2361]

I think Patrick Henry was the leading proponent of the Second Amendment.

[@isaacfoote7779]

@@jamezkpal2361 Patrick Henry was against making a Constitution in the first place, he wanted to keep the Articles of Confederation. I’m pretty sure he refused to attend.

[@gerrylast3553]

The way he treated this moment on live television like it was just another night in a club. He killed it! There was no mistakes, or gaffes. This is proof that this man is going to become known as one of the greatest.

[@adrienne7701]

Yesterday my ~60 year old father texted me without context "John mulaney monologue on snl was about me." Now that I've seen it I can firmly agree.

[@whateverlolawants]

Yes! All of our dads are in their own room, right now, reading a book about WWII. I'm glad some are self-aware. 😂

[@armorsmith43]

@@whateverlolawants Trying to understand the trauma that happened to their fathers.

[@whateverlolawants]

@@armorsmith43 I think you're absolutely right.

[@macien.9987]

John Mulaney is a time traveler; he was trying to warn us about the the pandemic and police riots without breaking the spacetime continuum.

[@christinamasberg]

O.M.G. yes!

[@cieproject2888]

And there was even a Third Amendment instance with the national guard in DC during the Floyd protests ... first relevance of the amendment in 38 years

[@janinso]

"I don't wanna dwell on politics but I dislike the Founding Fathers immensely" I love him so much lmao

[@petehutchins7062]

@MEGATRON you need the exorcism...2A foreverrrrrz

[@petehutchins7062]

guess founding fathers weren't diverse enough...diversity is strength!! Just ask Sweden

[@oregonjohnson]

Jeremiah Kuhl love that this joke was followed by a story to do w Lin Manuel Miranda. Clever.

[@75Veritas]

Don't like the U.S. then GTFO!! Go to Venezuela moron!!

[@katarinajordan3274]

"they wrote the constitution, and the order is weird"💀😂

[@fststudy2903]

I am baffled that he still thinks of himself as a small time comedian! He does mean a lot to a lot of people!

[@MyAladdinSane]

I would be shocked if he cracked 5% name recognition in the U.S.

[@Ten13Grl]

@@MyAladdinSane, my evidence is purely anecdotal, but I work with people at least a decade younger than me, and most of them know who he is.

[@Silburific]

@@MyAladdinSane Name recognition doesn't equate to meaning. I'm sure most people in the US know who Chris Rock is- I'm equally sure that most people wouldn't say he "means" anything to them.

[@MichelaSings]

Richard Franklin- he was literally mentioned in a presidential debate, I think people know who he is.

[@epoillaKory]

MichelaSings wait which one? who said it?

[@Marc-js8rx]

"Another thing that happened under Julius Caesar was, uh, uh, he was such a powerful maniac, that all the senators grabbed knives, and they stabbed him to death. (pause) That'd be an interesting thing if we brought that back, now." LOL... Gutsy joke.

[@quinnmarchese6313]

"i asked my lawyer if i could tell make that joke and he said 'let me call another lawyer' and that lawyer said 'yes'"

[@DavidM_GA]

Yeah trashing Trump, so brave. Its pathetic.

[@tim.noonan]

David Medlock cry

[@DavidM_GA]

@@tim.noonan Go scream at the sky, loser.

[@twixlover6671]

Tim Noonan that was an exciting exchange of words.

[@AndrewMusic30]

That last joke was absolute perfection.

[@drghdrgh1140]

Real life is so funny. It humbles all of us

[@deb9806]

He is very funny, a lot of clips of him online and on talk shows, always makes me smile. Netflix show too

[@nunyabizness3878]

Haven’t gotten there yet but I know it’s magical

[@MelissaNgai]

Ugh a plum suit!! So proud of this Asian American woman!!

[@terriyang2861]

I really loled

[@Ivokros]

He just wants to show off his feminine hips

[@annefranklymydearidontgive8197]

Genuine laugh. Thank you

[@TonyMaynard-SD]

@@Ivokros That's the thing he's SeNsItIve about!!

[@Ten13Grl]

My goodness, I love all of you. Mulaney fans are my people.

[@hotsauce5745]

He looks like a guy in his early 20s, his actual age is late 30s but he speaks like a man in his 60s.

[@modiabcomedy]

If you think that’s impressive Joe Pera is a man in his thirties who walks and talks like a man in his 90s

[@Hellwyck]

He's a proud asian lady!

[@lilliedawn1715]

This is why everyone thinks he's a time traveler

[@Wow-xp9dp]

He’s speaks like a 30 year old man from the 30s

[@kylestubbs8867]

_”The next host of SNL is John Mulaney.”_ *”STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS PLEASE!!”*

[@JacquelinClark]

LOL

[@diosnelfrica7589]

Kyle Stubbs door: Deeeeen doooon.

[@soopersalad2509]

HAHAHAHHAHAHA

[@ginaplympton7889]

I think we've seen more than enough of him in the last year or so. He's funny but not super funny.

[@jasminezheng3379]

Gina Plympton Jeez okay no need to ruin the party

[@awkwardukulele6077]

Founding fathers: what should we have as the third amendment? John Mullaney, in the same room, 240 years ago, channeling the spirit of Gilbert Godfried: *ThE ARmy...CaNt lIVe...iN yA HOusE!!!*

[@graced4844]

it’s funny because during the revolution, british regulars would live in people’s houses without consent, and the founders were so mad they made it an amendment, but it never happened again.

[@andrewlloyd1198]

@@graced4844 It nearly did. See, e.g., en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Engblom_v._Carey

[@johnny--guitar]

@@andrewlloyd1198 it has literally just happened: the Utah national guard has just had the third amendment invoked against it to remove them from occupying hotels in DC

[@ginnyjackson9968]

More proof john is a time traveler, he knew this would be important

[@DiscoMelon]

@@graced4844 Oh how the turns have tabled now!

[@laurenredding1419]

"no host has ever done less between their 2nd and third time hosting" oh boy John you are not ready to find out what you achieve between your 3rd and 4th time hosting

[@SAILOREARTH89]

he was so board he just wanted into late night and never left.

[@charlesgallagher1376]

Rehab

[@shayla4007]

@@charlesgallagher1376 no that was after

[@grasssnakes8243]

Elizabeth really got two Make a Wishes. Is this a god’s way of saying “oh shit, sorry”

[@TonyMaynard-SD]

I was so happy to hear the end of the story

[@marvelandsuchstuff]

why did I read god's voice in lin-manuel maranda's voice

[@swyxTV]

i like how John took absolutely zero offense at that

[@eshbena]

@@swyxTV Because he's a mensch. :)

[@chadwilliams5551]

Who gave her cancer in the first place?

[@katiehanna90]

"they knew how to make a pen, they were just bein jerks" - my new epitaph

[@nehaa4846]

“Hey, Lin (Manuel)!” oh my goodness I LOST IT

[@dragonwoah7983]

børa børahae SAME because that would be me. I love Lin and I call him Lin even to my family, but I have no idea how I’d address him in person 😳😆

[@sifatshams1113]

As a 30-year-old man, that Jesus joke hit hard.

[@SinsofMidnight]

I'm a 27 y/o female and honestly, same

[@AliTheHighest]

Well it also hit Jesus hard....

[@dantana5774]

I'm 65 and not reading about WW2, but re-reading Kerouac's "On the Road"- and that's the brilliance of Mulaney's stuff; made me step back and laugh at myself

[@SuperLadyDanger]

SinsofMidnight 33 y/o female and I’m with you there!!

[@pts5217]

Sifat Shams That joke has been done a million times.

[@abkl1]

John Mulaney: dying kid's 2nd choice!

[@mariannecontrino6297]

Haha, too funny...if he doesn't name his next standup special some variation of that, then he's not the young, narrow hipped, Asian girl I thought he was.

[@bozzwick]

Didn’t say 2nd, just said Lin was first, John could have been 7th

[@watersong505]

@@bozzwick Hahaha ... good point! 👏👏👏

[@mog6083]

“Elizabeth” is physically okish now, so that’s good I guess

[@jakematheson4]

The way Mulaney delivers jokes seems like it would bug me if literally anyone else did it that way. But he cracks me up. He’s got a long bright career in front of him.

[@Bouncybon]

It's because he is charming and lovable - unusual qualities that most comedians don't consider important. How wrong they are.

[@maidofbreath00]

this aged poorly

[@jakematheson4]

@@maidofbreath00 how do you mean?

[@jackrthorne]

That Dad joke at 1:34 is too real. "Your Mom has friends, and they have husbands"

[@deb9806]

So true

[@linnaeusshecut3959]

It is an aspect of American culture. In many other cultures, men are allowed to form strong friendships that last a life-time and get them through a lot of the tough patches in life.

[@bryanmcb19]

Linnaeus Shecut so true in Europe most men over 40 have best friends that they literally meet a few years back somethings weird with the American way of thinking

[@Checkmate1138]

@@bryanmcb19 Is it an American mindset? I'm fairly sure if you want to have a truly longlasting relationship, you ought to only ever be with that person and no one else.

[@imfromdowntown]

Mulaney with some damn good stand-up right there.

[@oldhead8292]

Tosh T .....really?

[@SheilaR.08]

@@oldhead8292 Absofuckinlutely.

[@bendavis8571]

I disliked it immensely

[@TonyMaynard-SD]

@@bendavis8571 I'm sorry

[@simonrandall5471]

Where?

[@skeebo9322]

"A friend of mine told me that he would rather his wife die than divorce her" "Later on that day, I asked him what's he making this year?" "He said that's PERSONAL!" 😂😂😂

[@Topself24]

Skee bo ppl didn’t laugh hard enough at that one

[@skeebo9322]

@@Topself24 brooooo that one was as dark as it was truthful as it was funny

[@mrbrianandrewsmith]

Apparently a grave.

[@amityislandchum]

Quite similar to a joke Dave Chappelle made in his special "Killing Them Softly."

[@enmenergy]

Skee bo I mean I’ve always said I’d rather my husband die than get a divorce. That’s just common sense! 😂🤣😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 MONEY IS PERSONAL! 😂🤣😂

[@justme-ji2il]

Love when Mulaney hosts because snl feels like that Hader/Armisen/Wiig/Rudolph/Meyers/Samberg era again

[@peteisfanatic]

just me it’s so pure and I love it. Back when SNL was actually funny

[@celestialthot8412]

Rim Shot okay,,, anyway

[@Eli-ou8sq]

Rim Shot what?

[@taragilesbie94]

Thank GOD some new John Mulaney content for me to memorize word for word I have been STARVING

[@thequeerquartz]

2020 was like "lets get the 3rd amendment some air time"

[@billlozier5551]

John looks like he could host the Oscars next year.

[@TheCountryMouse]

He'd be excellent!

[@epicremarc]

Like half of us (the theatre nerds) want him to host the Tonys

[@Silverwind87]

"The nominee is LIN! manuel..."

[@mkaiming6913]

Bill Lozier he could be the host for the Oscars for the rest of his life

[@brutechieftain9321]

I... would like to see it.

[@OnDVD]

THE ARRRRMY. CAN'T LIVE. in ya houuuse.

[@ellengrace4609]

Ayo If John taught all the amendments like that I’d probably actually remember them! 😂

[@sethfinberg348]

If only the Founding Fathers spoke with that cigarette smoking raspy sounding voice.

[@maddie9602]

@@sethfinberg348 They may well have. Remember, most of them smoked -- some of them even made their fortunes off of tobacco farms.

[@nicholaswadge1469]

His delivery was definitely the saving grace of that joke. The 3rd amendment is not actually that, though. It's that members of the military can't seize your house or dwell in it without your consent.

[@patricksullivan6988]

His delivery of that line told me that he probably can do a killer Gilbert Gottfried impression if he wanted to.

[@codygrandfield2555]

I want John Mulaney to provide commentary for every single amendment in the constitution.

[@emilyharwood89]

That was the most solid, funniest monologue I've ever seen

[@jacktrppr1]

Agreed. This could easily be part of one of his Stand-up specials....hilarious!

[@ayearedee99]

He should do this for a living.

[@lexiesawyer7657]

BJB aggressive

[@SuperLotus]

To me, he was just the Law and Order joke guy...UNTIL NOW. Now he's the Law and Order and Amendment guy

[@abbeybrickner6603]

"Nobody wants to watch me eat sour patch kids and repeat gossip" 😂 I will live by this now

[@janeh9962]

THE ARMY CAN'T LIVE IN YA HOUSE -John Mulaney, 3 months ago

[@partlyironic]

I honestly have this theory that Make a Wish Foundation kids are amongst the funniest people in the world. I have limited but very compelling data regarding this.

[@katyscott87]

Look up Josh Sundquist. I'm pretty sure he got a Make-a-wish granted as a kid. He survived, and now he's a youtuber/ stand-up comedian/ motivational speaker.

[@CMZIEBARTH]

Your comment gets a thumbs up.

[@hunnysenpai7249]

Please share the data

[@lenaertsjelke]

So true. I don’t know if you’re a Marvel fan but Chris Hemsworth once told the story of how a Make a Wish Foundation kid came to visit the set of Thor Ragnarok and in the movie there’s a fight between Thor and the Hulk and the kid thought it would be a funny thing if Thor would say “he’s a friend from work” and Chris did just that and they kept it in the movie and has since become one of the more iconic lines in the fandom and overall just made for a very funny moment.

[@phriedokra6158]

Dying brings out clarity and truth.

[@MsGrapeNehi]

Let’s face it: men get married so that they don’t have to have friends.

[@jessa.3857]

Marriage is the friend(s) killer.

[@RaymondHng]

@@jessa.3857 Once people pair up as couples, they no longer associate with their single friends.

[@adamtheonly9190]

We get married so our friends can become vodka and television

[@RaymondHng]

@@adamtheonly9190 My sister nicknamed their living room television set as her husband's third child.

[@adamtheonly9190]

Did she give it a real name too? Like "divorce is coming" or I'm "going to stay at my mothers"

[@gracemoseley6710]

Who is here in June 2020 watching after the 3rd actually got invoked for the first time in like, 240 years?

[@Polo-rp9hk]

He’s really good, he should consider being a stand-up comedian!

[@zeeshantahir2620]

He IS a standup comedian

[@asianspaghetti2844]

@@zeeshantahir2620 r/wooosh

[@kristinj3339]

Prepare for 1000 idiots, dumb dumb ("I was joking! Geeze!")

[@Ten13Grl]

Ba dum tss. 😆

[@TheTrimed1]

This is printed in the only t-shirt he owns.

[@hopeplayssongs]

7:25 “HEY, LIN...manuel” 😂

[@MaddieFish16]

John is super gracious, my friend had health issues (not life and death but serious) and he made time to see her at a show and say hi and I love him all the more for it

[@andreazimmermann5222]

One of the best monologues ever. Was laughing so much/hard my stomach hurt.

[@WK12112]

Andrea Zimmermann I have heard of this man in passing, maybe heard one of his bits on Spotify, but oh my god - this monologue has sold me. He is incredible

[@Ten13Grl]

@@WK12112 Go watch all of his stuff! He's hilarious!

[@sunshine3914]

Wasn’t able to lol much cause it was just too on target. But the chain joke... omfg ! lmao !

[@malcolmxpanther]

Most of that audience didn’t know who Louis Farrakhan was.

[@nebulousisgod]

I found it even funnier he compared himself to him; Mulaney, the whitest man on earth.

[@stevekearney3233]

Michael Blackshire I don’t buy joke still landed with me somehow

[@wardkerr2456]

Well, he's about as funny as Farrakan, so, yeah.

[@YoungChuy2398]

Michael Blackshire I cant believe he actually knows who he is lol

[@shizaanimations7634]

Gunther Ultrabolt Novacrunch Okay, while I agree that John is hilarious, using the “well he’s done more than you so you don’t get to talk” argument is childish and stupid.

[@tessalynn3431]

"HEY LIN ᴍᴀɴᴜᴇʟ"

[@rain.enthusiast]

damn... john mulaney really is popping and everybody does love him

[@stephbrilliant]

Desus and Mero! 😂

[@rambam77]

he just might go viral one day!

[@CrescentCitySweaters]

Yerrr

[@andymoffit8272]

John Mulaney will probably go down as one of the most influential comics of all time and it’s amazing to be here from the beginning

[@newlvlupsno3620]

Andy Moffit- nah Dave Chappell hands down

[@ryanwayner2475]

Newlvlups No one of the, not the

[@live_ur_adventure]

John: I mean alot to a small group of people Me: bold of you to assume Gen Z doesn't worship you like a strange cult because we relate so strongly

[@graybirdwoods2264]

Yeah, we are not a small group, we are a whole generation who this one man in his thirties means a lot too

[@YaosaysObjection]

I'm pretty sure he's got the younger millennials too. Everyone I know whose an American under 30 loves this dude

[@whateverlolawants]

I think most millennials like him. I was introduced to him about 6 years ago by my ex, who has a very similar sense of humor and was born in 1981. I was born in 1986 and share his stuff with a lot of friends my age. I'm so glad Gen Z loves him!

[@ayyrar1770]

Me and my friends are obsessed with him😭

[@wyn001]

"Lin-Manuel Miranda was my first choice!" that is so brutal😭😭

[@spartyman7]

"Your mom has friends, and they have husbands." My mom is dead, and this joke still rocks.

[@willowmarie218]

my dad is dead.... and same

[@MaddDogg316]

I am dead but it was still true while I was alive.

[@BlackGaySlay]

the dad being emotional part is sooo true my father just turned 60 and he's hugged me more in the past year than he ever did during my childhood

[@katediy4563]

Man! He nailed it when he talked about the Baby Boomer dads. My brother must be studying for a WWII quiz show. That or he's opening a museum in his house.

[@civil_villain]

I really like John Mulaney. He helped to teach me that I need to know algebra unless I want to lose an eye.

[@MsGrapeNehi]

Civil Villain That story definitely made sense.

[@civil_villain]

@@MsGrapeNehi Thank you. Thank you for the perfect response :)

[@leroyjenkins7371]

The Secret Service: And I took that personally

[@chloe_3787]

The constitution bit is funny to me because literally just yesterday my Civics and Econ teacher went on for *45 minutes* about how important the 3rd amendment is and I’m over here scratching my head like “and when did women get the right to vote? Oh right, the 19th!”

[@tatehildyard5332]

To be fair, we just got done chasing the Redcoats out and we were still very salty about the taxes. The vibe of the Constitutional Convention was basically, "Fuck the Redcoats... but we might as well make and iron out a few alternative policies since we're already here".

[@MaddDogg316]

Just an FYI, women had a right to vote, however, it was very circumstantial. During the initial few decades of this country's existence, land owners were the ones that had a right to vote. During this same time period, women who owned land were few and far between. The only women that owned land were widows or young girls who were heirs to estates of deceased parents. Women were married at very young ages and if they were widowed, they remarried shortly. Women who did not remarry were seen as a nuisance by the men in power and were often turned into targets of greed economically and socially. As the years went on and the population steadily rose, these situations became more prevalent. So it was enacted that voting was no longer going to be determined by the status of "land owner".

[@TheAmityElf]

(Well, white women got the right to vote in 1920; everyone else had to wait until 1965-ish.)

[@zacharykroll7526]

The third amendment was invoked last week. Nobody has had to invoke the 19th in over 40 years. Take a wild guess which one is more relevant.

[@rustylee1836]

@@zacharykroll7526 A million billion percent the right for women to vote is the more important and relevant amendment of the two. Glad I'm not smoking what you are. Asbestos, presumably.

[@BrynDonovanWriter]

He is always so delightful. So smart and so charming. And wow, that suit and those shoes, what a sharp and original look.

[@TonyMaynard-SD]

Original?

[@janetfain6389]

Did u see the size of those feet?

[@DSAK55]

He's sporting the Farrakhan look

[@Ten13Grl]

@@TonyMaynard-SD it's new to this century, okay?! 😉

[@tonyattardo9350]

Parted hair and a suit and tie. How original.

[@lochtessmonsterxoxo]

"Do the chain trick!" "I dunno-- I dunno how to break chains" I'm CRYING

[@elicather8168]

About the same time he was making the joke about his dad being really emotional, my dad texted me only saying “I love you”, and my first thought was....”who died!?”

[@amityislandchum]

So who died?

[@michaeljavorsky2714]

That's probably one of the very best opening monologues ever on SNL.

[@ludlow555]

I’m glad the second lawyer said “yes.”

[@geegeezlouis86]

It's honestly so rare that an SNL monologue makes me genuinely laugh but if John's dependable for one thing, it's a laugh

[@hopezzs]

Who's here because the third ammendment is being invoked in 2020.

[@Raulbikcube]

God it was so funny just 3 months ago.

[@19mmch]

I was searching for this.

[@dudedysseus]

Had the same thought.

[@Sam-bm6yf]

@Kacie Fennell INVOKED not reVOKED

[@Kristine_202]

Lin-Manuel Miranda's current Twitter picture is John Mulaney. I'm not kidding.

[@monokumaprincipalofhopespe8295]

“He had 12 best friends” Weeeeeeelllllll..........

[@sorv_gvl]

*Judas hides behind the curtain*

[@epicremarc]

He had 11 best friends and one frenemie

[@sonorasgirl]

I cracked up so hard at this 😂. Revisionist history for Judas in action 😂

[@noahrevan5452]

He had three best friends, eight friends, and a......................Judas.

[@Silverwind87]

Jesus: One of you will betray me. Matthew: Is it me, Jesus? Jesus: No, it is not you. Simon: Is it me, Jesus? Jesus: It is not you either. Judas: Is it me, Jesus? Jesus: iS iT mE jEsUs

[@PhillyFrank1]

On top of everything else, Mulaney is totally working that suit. I'm totally proud to be in the small group of people that considers him important. He's totally right about Boomer dads.

[@souptart5284]

i’m obsessed with the way he says “THE ARMY. CAN’T LIVE. *IN YA HOUSE.* “

[@notdestini]

"I mean a lot to a small group of people" namely gays under 30 with anxiety

[@rytsuryn]

Today I learned something about myself.

[@miss.markers]

I was about to deny it but shit you’re right

[@30catsinacardigan22]

too fucking loud

[@brittanylawless680]

I'm a gay over 30 with anxiety, can I still be part of the group?

[@jennat1483]

i can't believe i've just been called out like this

[@sneedonomics]

Bring him back we need as many of these as possible

[@BekahBrownie]

AND LOOK AT THAT, we can add 3rd Amendment to our End of the World 2020 bingo.

[@Ringdingsandmilk]

Chappelle said it best, “The First Amendment is first for a reason. Second Amendment is just in case the First one doesn't work out."

[@mattbritzius570]

That dude has a genius way of stating the truth in ways people can't deny.

[@danielparker8189]

Rush Limbaugh said that years ago

[@delilahbarnett7800]

uh no that’s the court system we put in place to ensure the government protects our rights

[@eazymethod01]

In a better world, no one would ever act on the second amendment, for any reason, at any time.

[@slapnutz1]

Both those amendments sound great in principle but both need plenty of care in the implementation.

[@avsdno]

- Do the chain breaking!! - I don't know, I don't know how to break chains SHIFTING TOPICS ENTIRELY

[@RobbieLeffel]

John told more jokes in 8 minutes than I think most comedians usually tell in a normal half hour set. That was incredible!

[@xenotiic8356]

"Lin Manuel was my first choice" lmao

[@harryr5785]

“I mean a lot to a small group of people” then I am honored that I am in that group.

[@eleonoramaciel6273]

the band staring at him like he put the moon and stars in the sky is the most precious thing ever

[@ahhh4117]

The kid he hung out with? Likes him and Hamilton? I know exactly the kind of person she is, I’m friends with those kids. Interesting bunch the musical fandom. . .

[@epicremarc]

You called?

[@Cybo-18]

Agreed

[@lizziemae9596]

my sentiments exactly. when he said her name was elizabeth i automatically knew

[@mog6083]

@@lizziemae9596 Elizabeth is a totally fake name but like the sentiment still stands