What Do Narcissists Gain By Your Trauma Bond?

It goes without saying that your trauma bond with a narcissist can contribute to all sorts of emotional problems within you. But have you ever wondered why a narcissist persists in keeping you bonded? Dr. Les Carter explains how narcissists "need" to create a power differential in order to validate their need to be significant.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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[@laurielaurie8280]

Narcissists are insecure bullies. Anybody you feel like you have to walk on egg shells around..run. Anybody that makes you feel like your not good enough..run.

[@henrykujawa4427]

I believe-- hopefully-- that I have an understanding with my home care office now. ANYTIME there's a problem, I will report it IMMEDIATELY. And, if it's bad enough, CHANGE assignments. It's just not safe-- OR HEALTHY-- to do otherwise! You'd think I would have known this after watching Dr. Carter the last year-and-a-half. My now-former client's last words before I left were-- him yelling loudly-- "YOU'RE NOT INTELLIGENT!!!" Sounds like projection to me.

[@sherrimurphy3103]

I’m realizing this now after 5 years

[@TC-gx3qn]

Yes!

[@lilbatashlyn]

Thank you. I needed to hear/read that!

[@laurielaurie8280]

💜@@lilbatashlyn

[@vickiwells7290]

They can't handle truth, so they have to destroy the ones who live in truth.

[@beckyengland7164]

👏🏻”I’m going to withdraw from the role that was assigned to me without my permission.” 👏🏻

[@tbunnyshy1]

A life for a life, it feels like. They gain someone who is dependent on them. They get reactions, validation, a “doormat”, a stress release valve, distraction from themselves, gain pride by shaming you, etc.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Absolutely!

[@t_nels]

And they decimate the people around them (living like a parasitic not only on the host but on their flying monkeys) as well.

[@michaelkennedy5126]

and they have no roadmap to where the relationship is going, nor do they have milestones where the abuse will stop. Run from these people as if you are the Olympics.

[@realhealing7802]

That's the truth! It's really pathetic.

[@joko09010]

💯🎯👍🏻😬

[@fred.k9875]

Trauma bonding = codependency + total control = narcissistic supply

[@roxymovie3938]

"You so get it, Fred" would probably Dr Carter answer 😉 With my own words, very minimalistic and clear explanation 👏👏

[@fred.k9875]

@@roxymovie3938 thanks 🙏!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You so get it, Fred!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

What Roxy said!

[@realhealing7802]

That equation is correct!

[@deanmarceldeandrade4230]

Breaking the trauma bond has been one of the hardest things I've done in my life. Knowing someone is a toxic person and not being able to help them, the only solution being to leave them. It breaks my heart daily.

[@Rachel-mz8ko]

Dr. Carter, do you have an answer for the situation described above? Although I am now married to and living with a covert narcissist, I separated from my family of origin because of what I now know was my covert narcissistic mother. My husband and mother are different in how they present. My mother was, perhaps, the harder case because she was asking me to solve problems I couldn't possibly solve. My husband, at least, usually has fixable (though frustrating and demanding) problems. But I have suffered many years from the problem stated by @deanmarcel.... (above). (Ps mom passed away a couple years ago.)

[@TruckerBLW]

I feel your pain. My heart still breaks even though my mind is clear. It’s a conundrum and it’s difficult every day.

[@bereal6590]

@@TruckerBLW so true, every day it's still there like a lingering smell. Not surprising when they've spent your life inserting their mantras into our psyche

[@Lemana28021989]

They can elevate themselves, feel like someone needs them and also they have someone to blame for everything that isn't going right (meaning: blaming someone else than themselves for the chaos they created)

[@user-tb5lw9fb7k]

Well, said.

[@sallywillis1448]

"A cover for all of their powerlessness". Excellent phrase, Dr Les Carter.

[@moxiepooties6363]

Took me a LOOOOOONG time to realize that a narcissist "loved" me as long as they felt that following my lead (and then trying to blame me for it later!) was easier and safer for them than being independent. I finally realized that once they were comfortable in their new location and knew how to hold down a job and take care of themselves financially, the resentments and crazy self-centered demands started coming. It was all "Whatever I feel I want, I am ENTITLED to, and you are a monster if you don't give in to all my demands, no matter what YOU need." Just like a CHILD: they are all self-centered emotions, little to no logic, "I am ENTITLED to whatever I want JUST because I FEEL that way!" You are so right-on about why they try to keep you in the game as their punching bag!!!

[@h.j.chapin9595]

My dad's narcissistic traits got even more amplified as he aged. No mellowing out at all! He was astounded that I'd changed after 4 years of college. . . that he'd help to pay for.🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️ As a young child, I assumed I needed his constant critiques & criticisms because there was something wrong we ME. As an adult, narc dad's antagonistic, confrontational attitude toward me RAMPED UP. . .Until I decided I'd had enough and moved out 8 months before my wedding.

[@douaa1934]

Breaking the trauma bond is like setting yourself free ⛓⛓⛓ Thank you Dr. Carter and team healthy for your guidance

[@realhealing7802]

It is hard to break that trauma bond when you are born into it! I finally let go. Narcissists will always need an emotional punching bag.

[@caroleminke6116]

Damaged children shouldn’t be in charge of anyone else’s life 🤦‍♀️

[@druchampion-payne1489]

Hear, hear!

[@olyooshka]

True.

[@bereal6590]

Especially having their own children!

[@eowyn8340]

I had 2 narcissistic friends. When I was going through a very rough time, one of them decided to insult me. Essentially kicking me while I was down. It was like having cold water thrown on me, and I realized I didn’t want that friendship anymore. Now she can’t understand why I’ve distanced myself from her. I’m doing a million times better without her around. ❤

[@realhealing7802]

You just described my older sibling. I have been an emotional punching bag for too many decades. I finally had to go no contact. My mental and physical health are more important than staying in a trauma bonded relationship. My abuser will never change.

[@jamesrutter4100]

Sure they will. AS SOON AS YOU WALK AWAY - AND STAY GONE COMPLETELY AND FOREVER

[@ek9348]

Same here. 2 years now. And still have to deal with them indirectly because of my mum of 92. It’s sad to say, but only when my mum has died, I’m completely free from my siblings (which will be a matter of weeks now, I’m afraid) I will not go to her funeral either. It’s hard not to become bitter and angry, also because people will point at me as the trouble maker, but I need to protect myself.

[@dorothyleeuw8774]

@@ek9348I walked away from my siblings after my Toxic Parents died 4 months apart. I was the only child out of 5 that went for help when I was still very young, and into my mature years. I received the tools to know that I no longer wanted to be around the toxic, gaslighting behaviour towards me. For many years now I feel like a weight has been lifted from me and I am much happier healthier human being. I hope you find your inner peace too…..❤

[@user-hs9qz3dg1l]

Honestly...If you have been raised with a narcissist sibling,( like I have), be so very careful that you do not get caught by a narcissistic spouse!!! I was raised with a narcissistic brother, then married a very clever narcissistic husband who was ever so charming until we were married, then had a narcissistic daughter, and had to raise her and her sister on my own because the narc husband could not be bothered by parenting, it was just too much trouble for him and I had to figure it out on my own. So I have had a lifetime of navigating narcissists for the last 60 years...Whew! Way too many years of being forced into survival mode...but I have done it. I've had over 14 narcissists want to marry me upon knowing me for two weeks..."they say, Oh, but you don't understand..You are the woman I have been looking for my whole life!!!!" And I think to to myself, yeah, well, YOU are NOT the man I have been dreaming of my whole life...and I walk away...again, and again, and again. The minute you suspect anything that vaguely resembles a narcissist, run for your life, and I mean it!!! They are thieves and will rob you of everything you have to give and then some!!! RUN!!!

[@ek9348]

@@dorothyleeuw8774 thanks for sharing your experience. Only people who are in the same dynamic understand that i look forward to cut all ties. I’ll miss my mum, but the rest of the family absolutely not. My sister has two autoimmune diseases, my brother stage 4 bladder cancer. (And I cant shed one tear about it). Go figure with all the chronic stress they cause themselves. They can destroy themselves but i do not allow to drag me down with them.

[@carolynrichards9124]

It's like they don't have the psychological core strength that is so essential. I think that is so sad.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So true.

[@druchampion-payne1489]

They gain some kind of sick & twisted *satisfaction* out of saying horrible things to you .... 8 years ago my late, cruel mother-in-law, took advantage of an opportunity when she and I were *alone* together to tell me 'everything' she never liked about me, and this went on for an hour. I just took it like a lamb to the slaughter. At the time I didn't know what else to do but to just sit there and take it, since I was a 'guest' in her home for 3 days. We flew to Michigan to stay with her for my husband's 40th H.S. reunion. So on day 2 of our visit my husband went to lunch with a few guy friends from school, and I stayed behind -- alone with the wicked witch! And the thing that stood out about her delivery -- besides her cruel words -- was her calm demeanor and the look of *satisfaction* on her face, along with her glowing smile. With every critical and cutting remark she maintained this smile. Very creepy. And she was good at this, as if she practiced being cruel on other people besides me. I don't think I'm the first person she chose to dress down so methodically. Been married over 35 years and she passed away 3 mths ago. Halleluhah!

[@hanichay1163]

Our grown daughter did this to me only it was 6 hours! She has totally changed from the lovely girl she was.

[@michaelgoldberg7403]

Peace is what it's all about: justice, truth and peace

[@notaclue822]

The intensity of the pushiness I was on the receiving end of when I distanced myself was truly shocking to me at first. Now I consider it to be in direct proportion to the narc's mental illness. The awareness that she'd gone to extreme lengths to conceal that all along was another clue. I know in my gut that person is so sick I have no desire to ever be around her. Never ever ever. They must conceal, cling and be forceful because nobody would be around otherwise.

[@sarilnn1603]

They derive pleasure from "externalizing", their hidden trauma. They sniff out trauma .

[@jeankipper6954]

I think that they also get a sense of having fun, watching my reactions to their behavior. Like it's a fun hobby for them, to wind me up. Parents made what they termed hilarious stories about our reactions. Wasband seemed to enjoy tormenting me.

[@mfree9202]

An elder brother I trusted for decades, is now gone out of my life, as I was blind to his narcissistic ways. I was in a deep trauma bond with him, and he enjoyed having me as his punch bag. I hear he has now latched on to a nephew and I think he will likely be working on him. This brother caused me so much pain and confusion, I will forgive him, but I will have nothing further to do with him, he is going to reap what he sows.

[@realhealing7802]

You just described my older sibling. After decades of abuse, I finally went no contact. Abusers don't change!

[@PauldeBrem]

Sorry you had to experience that. My question is about pardoning. I feel there's no need for that. What would even be the meaning of it? This person will never change and will keep on attacking others...

[@ek9348]

I can relate. Two years of no contact now. I cannot help but think it’s the reason why my sister developed a second auto immune disease; she doesn’t have me anymore to dump her stress and frustrations on. Slowly but steady the outside world starts to see what’s going on with her…

[@mfree9202]

@@PauldeBrem I understand where you're coming from. However, something I have learned is that forgiving others is not for their benefit, but it's for your benefit. If you refuse to forgive, then the anger, resentment and bitterness will fester inside you, and you will never be free. You must choose to forgive so that you can finally release them from within you. Forgiveness can take time, but it does come

[@PauldeBrem]

@@mfree9202 I get it, thanks mfree 👍. I guess it's just not me. I don't forgive, I know I will have to stay vigilant all my life to protect me and the ones I love from this person. The threat is still there...

[@Schquirl]

SO NEED THIS! I realized one week ago that I am totally trauma bonded! 😢Timing is of God! Won't make the live because I have to go to work 😔

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Keep leaning forward!!

[@ritaalber3505]

Your videos made me forgive my late narcissist husband for what he did to me. Those people are seriously damaged, and they do deserve compassion and empathy.

[@ek9348]

Yeah but at a safe distance…. We all are emotionally damaged but it is always a choice to start abusing other people. Out of selfprotection I wish them all the best but also a place on Mars, so they can’t use me as their punching bag

[@ritaalber3505]

@@ek9348 That goes without saying. Empathy and understanding narcissists are actually a vital step towards protecting ourselves from them.

[@laurielaurie8280]

You can't give those kind of people compassion and empathy. They will throw it back in your face and shut you out. Best thing to do is just walk away.

[@ritaalber3505]

@@laurielaurie8280 Saying they deserve it doesn't mean keeping in touch with them and giving it to them directly. I mean, you can have compassion for them so that you know where they're coming from and understand their behavior better.

[@barbpaq]

@@ritaalber3505 Yes, I understand. My bru has broken most if not all ten commandments. Most recently He attempted to take over Dad's estate while Dad and I were both hospitalized with COVID. He has alot of karma coming his way. I pray he's able to expiate for his crimes and save his soul in this life, which will be a horrible suffering. But it sure beats eternity in hell. I forgive him. I'd like to think I'll never fully trust him again. But I know better. I've been fooled over and again when he turns on the charm. As soon as he gets what he wants he flips the script on a dime, and hostilities are restored. Best thing I can do is stay as far away as possible.

[@user-dr8sc1gp4z]

I used to have a boss that used to say to our team “ make me look good “. At the time I thought she was trying to motivate us, but now, knowing her better, she really needed someone else to make her look good because she was shallow && incompetent.

[@gregoryritchie7852]

Dr. C.- I SO value your videos! Taken a LONG time to start seeing narcissist not here to help but hurt.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased the videos resonate!!

[@barbpaq]

Wow. My bru has actually verbalized this to me: "I'm not here to help." That was after I'd just gotten out of the hospital with COVID. Other quips he throws at me include taking over a conversation to tell this to the person I was talking to: "I'll talk to that person over there. I'll talk to you. But I won't talk to her." (Meaning me.) If I ask for help, he says, "I don't do anything for you." While recovering from COVID he tried to persuade family friends that I was faking my weakness. He apologized to a couple that brought me food and turned and scolded me in front of them for asking them to help me, telling me I should be ashamed of myself. He sounds to me like a six year old child imitating our Dad. He's managed to patchwork together a variety of recriminations based on things I can trace back to family dynamics when we were growing up. Then he told that same couple that they can always bring him food. I told him he could have my food. He said no, he didn't want my food. He said he wanted them to bring him food too. He said, "I'm always here." I got them to leave asap. Even though bru was embarrassing himself, he didn't realize it and I was totally embarrassed.

[@joshua255860]

This continues not to be an easy thing for me to do with an elderly narc. parent. I feel guilt and a sense of some kind of moral obligation to her since I have no other family living around. She will not stop her trying to rope me back in. Very very difficult.

[@tbunnyshy1]

I hear you. I don’t have any answers but I completely understand. They might look frail but their words will cut you in a nanosecond. She is “trying”, not succeeding. Stay strong ❤️

[@caroleminke6116]

You got this ❤️‍🩹

[@KastenBuleleng]

Same for me but I have learned to love but not like and help but detach. Before I was so unhealthingly enmeshed and could not understand why nothing I did was never enough. I used to feel like she had bashed my head in...I have reduced my time with her but still help a lot...and I treat her unkindness with no sign of being upset..

[@davisdupreez5397]

My mom called someone the c-word at a charity cake parade. It’s how I learned that word. Growing up with a narcissist parent has given me a bizarre treasure trove of childhood memories.

[@theeclecticlifewithsam]

These videos are great. I have learned more from Dr. Carter in the past few months than from years of trying to decipher the narcissist's behavior on my own. These are really helpful and I appreciate all the work you do 👍

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased!!

[@shadowtrissashina2658]

Hi, thank you so much for this message. It has been a true nightmare to get to this point. Is it normal for a Narcissist to label you a Narcissist so that they don't look at themselves? I have had 5 years of therapy for trauma, and I am finally seeing that I am a victim of Narcissistic abuse. I also have Complex Post Traumatic stress disorder and I have had to distance myself in order to learn who I am and what it means for my relationships with others and the Narcissistists. These videos help a lot. I have worked through my trauma several times, I now clearly understand the mechanisms that caused them. I am still crying a lot, but I know that at the other end of this is going to be freedom! I will know that despite their labels of me, I can go ahead and know my own worth. Their labels aren't my problem anymore, it is their judgement of me because they felt inadequate to handle the situation. Once again, thank you!

[@athena1047]

So much to unpack here. Painful reality. Thank you, Dr. Carter.

[@istateyourname4710]

Of course, control & the possibility of regulating their dysregulation.

[@MagicalCreations-fw7pj]

This is EXACTLY ALL TRUE and what they do. Not long ago they got to do what they do because there were no terms to explain it. Mine was a neighbor who I simply didn't know and never understood WHY she had so much hatred and anger. Actually told me how she was going to destroy me as if I had deserved any of it. But watching your videos explains my entire experience with her. I always said she was like a vicious insect that latched onto me and couldn't get away from with the same destruction and hateful anger as a stinging insect. Trauma bonding is exactly what she did!!! Thank You Dr. C for educating us with your wisdom.

[@malibu90265]

I took my freedom back. I am free. 🦋🦋

[@sharonbrown927]

Never know what kind of their game is going to be next! It's so hard to wrap my head around..... It is so inhuman to want to hurt someone and feel good about it!!!! Just not enough words... Thank you Dr. C I really appreciate you for helping me and other's!!!

[@beara2482]

I was in business with two older brothers.i thought with the passage of time a certain equally would develop. The opposite emerged.i suffered mightily. I received no credit for huge achievements and endless criticism for failures. This darkness lasted over 15 yesrs.i ultimately escaped via bankruptcy and a 12 step program.your video was brilliant. It explained the pain I lived with for years.the daily exhaustion I lived with.your video. Was and is a brilliant analysis of what happened to me.daily prayer and meditation is breathing life into a soul that was nearly caused to death.a moment of grace saved me.

[@GJCHSMM]

Energy...food...a reason to live...ie. Narc supply

[@lauracoussens6207]

Excellent! Oh my goodness...Dr. C. just described my (25+ year) marriage to a "T"...100%. It's been six years since we quit living together and dissolved the marriage and well over eight years of studying this topic. Boy, does my stink meter peg easily nowadays and that will help me steer clear of these types of people. Never allow yourself to be damaged by another damaged person who has not allowed themselves to heal from their past. Hurt people hurt other people. Healed people love other people.

[@sanjmalik6282]

Your words give me strength and hope

[@surlif]

Freedom!! How soothing to even think about it. My progress has been slow but I am so excited that I have made progress in healing from decades of narc abuse. It has been about two years since I clicked on the link for Dr. Carter's videos. I realize now it was one of the best days of my life. Like... right after the days when my children were born.

[@goldilocks3593]

What they gain is whatever they can siphon off you, while you remain unaware they are doing it 🫤

[@cynvision]

News to me that keeping me in the state of confusion is part of all this. Today my mother flip-flops in a conversation over my role in her post surgery care and aging care going forward. This might be becoming worse because of her age. I told her I can't keep up anymore. I'm looking for an apartment. I've got all the societal pressure on me to not abandon an aging mother but she's got to sink or swim on her own. She helped me out when I was down and out but six years later and a month long battle with her I think I get the message that I am just beating my head on a wall, I can't help her the way she is.

[@roxymovie3938]

A Trauma Bond is a very toxic way of engaging. It's basically build upon a strong power differential - an unhealthy attachment style, where major confusion and upheaval is perpetuated. Narcissists create and use the Trauma Bond as their own pain management strategy. What is trauma? 》you receive so much negative stimulation that is too much to manage so that you will feel overpowered What is complex trauma? 》you are repeating the trauma over and over again How do relationships based upon a Trauma Bond look like? > argue a lot > major anger > lots of guilt & shame = your character is deficit > major control > lots of double standards > you get isolated What kind of feelings will you feel during a Trauma Bond? > very angry > lots of hurt & pain > resentment > much confusion Why do Narcissists create a Trauma Bond? 1. They need you to keep you in the down position so that they can manage their own pain. "I am making you feel pain to get rid of my pain." "I am not as pitiable as you." 2. It becomes a compensation for their fear of powerlessness. 3. They seek relief from fatigue. "I am good and you are bad." 4. The language they learn is dominance/submission 5. They harbor self directed insults. So they place the focus onto you. "I hate you." "I need you to be judged as less than me." What do Narcissists gain by your Trauma Bond? A. Diversion from their internal confusion B. Denial of their own fear C. Dominance as a cover for their powerlessness How do they create a Trauma Bond? 》by using projection & gaslighting Be aware: 》Narcissists carry much psychological damage from the inside 》Their interior is empty 》Their worldview is highly inappropriate 》They are very illogic 》You are being used as a prop 》》》You deserve so much better!!! 》》》Break free from the Trauma Bond!!! ♡ Dignity ♡ Respect ♡ Civility Dr Carter 👨‍🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈

[@bbjoyce-je1vx]

Thank You so much Dr. Carter ❤ This is an amazing video. I had no idea that this is why my entitled golden child sibling always used to reach out to me when the rest of my toxic family wouldn't. I was flattered sometimes when she'd contact me. I thought to myself ...." She finally likes me". But soon afterwards, the condescending remarks or back handed compliments would begin on her part. I would come away feeling so inadequate and deflated. Glad I am no contact. Thank You for creating this video. I never heard of this selfish angle of narcissists keeping in touch or " bonded" to the scapegoat. I see it now for what it is.....bonus opportunities of communicating to me that she's up on a supposedly higher level, and she "politely" keeps me in the lower level where she wants me to stay.

[@susanbennetttellstales7998]

At 6.12, Gus supports Dr. C's comments about sub-conscious level experience by waking up. Dr. Gus, I salute you.

[@dotnb]

This is how my parents brought me up. Thank you Dr Carter, for the clarity.

[@XOChristianaNicole]

LOOOOL! I, legit, got a text from my mother, only the other day, stating “YOU are the problem here..” 😂

[@daynapeterson9033]

Block, block, block.

[@claudiafagim8202]

My family member who is a narcissist has carefully isolated me from members of church three times and I didn't understand why. Seeing your vídeos made me understand her behaviour. I am so gratefull because with all your explanations I understood Who actually I am dealing with.

[@ladennayoung2939]

Again I truly praise and thank God for this info and for channels like this. I have encountered a personal situation within the past couple of years that caused me to have to reside with my mother. I know some people would probably assume that I am flat out lying and/or exaggerating. But I honestly feel as though my mom allowed the certain health issue that she is going through to get worse on purpose. As a way to compete with me and to gain attention. Generally she don't get many phone calls or have many visitors. But since she have done this she have gotten more phone calls and visits. Because she ended up in the hospital because of it. She acted like she got upset because one of her acquaintances didn't make it back to the hospital. But it is a blessing that she went to see her at all. And she knows what I am going through but she don't care. She just want me to be at her beck and call. Then it is REALLY irritating because she act SO fake and nice to me and my son in public. Especially towards me calling me her baby girl or whatever she called me. Smh. I am just SO over it. I honestly feel like I need to escape from Alcatraz. I AM SO PRAYING THAT GOD MAKE A WAY OF ESCAPE FOR ME AND ENABLE ME TO BE FREE FROM HERE SOON IN JESUS' NAME. AMEN. I AM HONESTLY PRAYING FOR A MIRACLE IN JESUS' NAME. AMEN. ❤❤❤

[@Alice-fr1ef]

Hi Dr. Carter, Gus and the Team Healthy Community from California. The one joy in their lives is making sure you are in pain and unhappy. Anything you like or get for yourself, they make sure to destroy is as soon as they can when you are not around. Anything you feel, sa y or think, they make sure to be just the oppositie of that. You are never a team or on the same side. They will go against you and be on the side of others against you. Thank you so much Dr. Carter for a great video.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Alice!

[@NancyBrown1975]

Thank you for a very helpful video topic today. I watch your videos all of the time and love when I come upon something I haven’t clearly understood and it gets clarified. Narcissists are full of problems on their inside and are always up chucking it on everyone else.

[@celiaverdinho54]

Excellent videos Dr Carter😮 I have been blessed with peace. Recovery is slow and if you share children, definitely a nightmare. I had to be 10 steps ahead of the enemy and very strong in intuition to remain sane. :) Although I now leave alone by choice I am still looking for a special man and I hope I can see mental health issues sooner because toxic behaviour is now more clear to see in others since you have been educating us all. ❤

[@holmavik6756]

This is spot on, it could work as a precise description of the narcisist who decided to pick me as his target. The meanest and most illogical behaviour I have ever met during my 55 years. Now I have moved to another department, and it remains to be seen if he will keep on going after me or if he goes after someone else.

[@user-tb5lw9fb7k]

My neighbor is like that. He does the craziest stuff, and then acts like he can't remember. They are off balance in many ways. Avoidance is the best solution.

[@TC-gx3qn]

All spot on, Dr. C. They get constant supply to their egos from trying to trigger you to react and then say, Look at you. Pathetic. This is especially true of Golden Child narcissists. If you won't fawn over them as if they can do no wrong the way their narc parent did, they will attempt to get supply in another form. Blessings to you both and Gus from California. 🐕

[@aaronkwolfe]

Loyalty, temporarily. Temporarily.

[@Hatbox948]

I'm still trying to learn all of these terms. I'm assuming I'm trauma bonded because there's been lots of trauma.

[@Edward-oy7ed]

Wow, this was so deep....I stepped in to being a God father to a kid who was aging out the foster care system. His mother overdosed form drugs and his father abandoned him. To keep it short, in 18 years I have housed him, clothed him, fed him and pushed him through college. Today he has a MS, married a lawyer, has a half million dollar house but has not visited me in all of last year's holidays because he is so busy. This year I was looking forward to father's day without another excuse came. When I pointed this it out to him, I was horribly disrespected for even asking for just one day with no excuses. I'm 60 years old and can't take the mental abuse any longer and so I said, with love we part ways here. Yep, even worse disrespect came after that. I took him in after my wife died from cancer 43 years old (she couldn't have children) and I soon after, I ran into a narcissist. So breaking the drama bond (lying, stealing, disrespect, shame and emotional abuse) is hard but I have peace of mind now.

[@brendaturnblom1948]

We rise by lifting others!

[@possumyx]

This is an exact description of my sister's partner's modus operandi over 40+ years. She has been destroyed and, while trying to support her, I have kept quiet knowing her partner would ensure we would never see each other again if I demonstrably took her side. She now has a life threatening illness and the result is that her partner has doubled down on his control, using her predicament to try to make me submissive, too. My refusal caused him to blow, accusing me of trying to put a wedge between them. His ugly facial contortions and bellowing were supposed to intimidate me. They didn't. I stayed calm, but have had to withdraw for a while in order to spare my poor, ill sister tension and rows while she undergoes treatment. It's so very, very sad what one weak individual can do to another to destroy them.

[@Truthtoat]

You'll never know how much you've helped me and trust me I've been through hell , God Bless You ❤🙏🏻👍

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased for you.

[@amberlynnadams3744]

Thank you, Dr. Carter. It is a heartbreaking process. I am grateful for your very helpful insight and knowledge, for you healing manner.

[@johngraham1785]

Excellent analysis of what the narcissist gets up to. Analysed clearly in layperson's language. It rang very true to me, I have been on the receiving end of this kind of treatment. Dr Carter has helped me get wise to the narcissist's tactics

[@rosieE121]

They fix it so others won't have anything to do with you. His mom would say "control or be controlled", "put yourself first".

[@druchampion-payne1489]

Cheers to freedom & peace! ...thank you :)

[@user-ml2th1zi5z]

Goddamn. I ended up in a hospital from a narsissistic abuse. 4 years in recovery and I guess I can say that I'm somewhat recovered. Still having to deal with PTSD. There has been so many lies and awfull happenings that it is still hard to deal with it and the fact that it happened to me. Am I stupid? At times life gets hard from the psychological damage that this person caused. I ended up getting in manipulating relationships because I was taught by my grandmother that "You allways have to be humble, You allways say sorry, You allways appologize no matter what." My grandmother was higly narsissistic person and she hit me with a knife in my face when I was 10. She made me lie to doctors etc. My mom had the same features so I learned to be a fucking rag and then I let it happen to me in my adult life. I didn't learn how to defend my self and I have been WAY too kind. I see it now and I know that I just need to have patience and the recovery process will still continue and I have to live with this for the rest of my life. Narsissistic person can destroy someone so badly that the victims whole life just crumbles and it can take years to recover. GET HELP!

[@N0N4M30]

Not me watching this after finding out my narc adoptive mother did write a will where EVERYTHING goes to my psychopath brother who abused me for 25 years. My life did start as a trauma on my birth and all I know is trauma I don’t even know me without trauma. My life is trauma

[@signaljaguar8724]

Thanks, man, I hear your message. It has been tuff to get peace from being in a narcissistic relationship. I knew something was wrong and not with me but with them. Just could not put my finger on it. They could never empathize/be empathetic. That makes sense now.

[@angelam3380]

It hit me so hard when you said. Sometimes it's like i have to cover for him because his behavior is embarrassing. I would feel so stupid if people knew how he is to me sometimes. I feel like i have no one to talk to because if im wrong then i look like an idiot or like im complaining over nothing. I try so hard everyday to be better than i was the day before as far as fixing the mistakes i keep making that cause the chaos. So i listen to what he says and tweak my behaviors and everyday its something else i can't ever win. It's exhausting

[@msmacmac1000]

You are so right on, Dr. C. The narc ex infected my beautiful daughters. He has me to deal with now. 🙏🏼❤️ I ❤️ my daughters

[@jamaalhorton2343]

I love listening to this channel!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Pleased!

[@miseentrope]

Thank you, Dr. Carter. I REALLY needed this episode.

[@jenmayo777]

Pain "causing" management 😆 🤣 😂

[@ricosurvillion]

Amen. I left. Needed my freedom.

[@ep4341]

Dr. C….. You’ve done it again! You have put into words the most accurate description of my life. Truly, once again, an eye-opener. Married or not, this gives me even more resolve to make a landmark decision in my life, no matter what I have to “lose”…. My happiness and well-being are worth so much more. I’m in my late 60s and, unfortunately, have given up on seeking, in the future, any type of relationship. I would just like to wake up every day and stop hating my life.

[@bereal6590]

I know those feelings myself, very well. These people cause so much damage and take no responsibility for it

[@sandrabellerue2836]

Experienced it all. Glad he's gone!

[@johnhue8933]

Makes so much sense and clears up confusion. This is valuable materiel. Thank you Dr. Les Carter .

[@JasonWilliams-ro8nm]

Bravo Dr. That was a walk off Grand Slam buddy thank you for that wisdom it literally reflected every aspect of an extremely toxic relationship I was in a long time ago which I'm still healing from. In my case though the person was not what I would consider a human being, but a predator parasite of the worst kind anywhere

[@tracevicente]

I just told this person I want a divorce and they are PRETENDING LIKE EVERYTHING IS OK 🤬 Like they haven’t sh*t all over me for years. I am exhausted and over this and want out.

[@marieclaudelatour8542]

thank you for this teaching. It is hard to break free from a father that keeps forcing his will on you. I need all the understanding to be able to break free and do it in the right attitude.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Once you realize you've passed him in the maturity department, the task is less daunting.

[@user-qv9nw1dq2f]

I withdraw from the role that was assigned for me without my permission. And moreover, that role serves neither me nor the narcissist. Narcisists are damaged and have concluded that by damaging others and keeping them bonded to their broken selves they have a recipe for a meaningful life well worth living and It’s absolutely not the case at all!

[@jasonsneeden5934]

If my narc hears any questions which discover motives, intention and wants, she goes back blame mode. To the point where we all know which questions you don't ask. Sometimes she wants us to ask certain questions but they hafta be directed toward the obvious thing she's concealing. Its a subject of deep affliction it seems

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Narcissists are in pain.

[@jasonsneeden5934]

@@SurvivingNarcissism i agree, seemingly needless pain.

[@Cod12Osc]

Avoiding tendencies and surface communication is about as far as it gets

[@HM-fc7nd]

Thank you Dr

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You’re welcome

[@Dgirl2]

Trauma bond is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. Having to accept the fact that my mother never really loved me seems impossible. Throw in a Narc daughter and brother and it’s a recipe for disaster. Freedom feels sooo good though!

[@cynthiahurlburt2819]

Last August i returned to helping siblings back east with power and wisdom on narcissism thatGod led me to study summer of 2022. Their games were now uncovered and I gently refused to play them. Wow, seeing them unfold and start the blame game was amazing. Long story short. I packed up,closed the door,and returned to the Pacific Northwest within eight weeks.❤

[@tammydietschweiler7852]

Does the narcissist actually have hatred for the person they are mistreating? It sure appears he doesn’t even know me after 20 years and is only in a completion with himself. It’s so extreme and abusive. Thank you Doctor your help is beyond words.

[@Shellsnfeathers]

Thank you so much for this information. I sent my marriage counsler this video. I’m in this dynamic right now. I don’t want to be in this place but here I am 😢

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it resonated. Best wishes to you.

[@bereal6590]

One of the best vids you've done recently dr.c. best I've heard on trauma bonding. I have someone im disentangling from but it's the remaining vestiges of pain anger and grief, that I stuck to this person like glue because I believed their elevated stance. It actually sickens me that they did this and I fell for it. In the process I threw myself under the bus. I feel really sorry for them and that's kept me stuck. I'm very angry with them and with me, they fooled me and being empathetic I fell right in line

[@stylist62]

Exactly what I am in🥵💔God help us all, heal us. 😭😭

[@noctisgamma556]

I’d really like to stop taking things so personally when it comes to the narc. The narcissist in my life that has stolen my happiness is my MIL. I can’t even get this woman out of my head for long. She hurts me deeply, and disturbs me. I don’t want to exclude myself and we don’t see her too often. But it is very hard to deal with. I feel like I can’t even live my life. I don’t know what to do. All signs point to: what the narcissist says is really about them. But I can’t make it stop hurting :-(

[@kimberlys.7097]

Awe Gus got his own introduction

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yeah, it's in his contract. Notice he has his own font too.

[@anns9688]

When they're older they have a servant to take care of them.

[@elyrosazamora4608]

Wow, this video really nails it. Thank you so much, Dr. Carter.

[@SuperAngela1226]

Great message today.

[@Bianca-sw5id]

Yes ♥️ of course Doctor Carter 🥰 your experience with surviving narcissistists is extremely comforting ♥️🥰

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased!

[@Bianca-sw5id]

@@SurvivingNarcissism ♥️

[@laurap6844]

I thank the Universe for your existence Dr LC, you bring so much awareness and give me hope, I am also thankful to your community that makes me feel that I’m not alone with my struggle when I read their comments, thank you team healthy!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're quite welcome. And I echo your sentiments about TeamHealthy.

[@amothergoddess2774]

yes, he has it all sewn up, that explains everything!

[@lilianproencademenezesmont4161]

Hello Dr. Les Carter. Say hello also to adorable Gus. Hello from Brazil.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Gus says thanks!!

[@christineplaton3048]

Thanks so much. This is a great topic. Because once we go through this we remain interiorly vigilant. When educated we will not accept attempts to cause fear and harass us into another submissive situation. Your strong voice helps so much. This can be a brother sister spouse friend group church etc

[@lesliewoolnough7871]

It took 11 almost 12 years of wondering what I had done wrong 😑, And I was made to look like a bad crazy person and finally the person said she thought I looked like a drug addict because I was thin I haven’t been mentally or physically get my weight back down, to where I was happy, I need my freedom , I am being used and it is abusive.

[@fionakarbel258]

Great video!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad you enjoyed it

[@Queen.Elizabeth210]

Thank you very much for this delightful intellectual bit of knowledge. I just came out of a narcissistic abuse of relationship being that I study psychology I was able to point the syndromes and what the narcissist does to the victim and what the victim goes through because I was able to fully understand what was going on with me. I was able to wake up essentially and remove myself very carefully out of this relationship. The relationship was becoming more and more dangerous and if I hadn't moved like I did. If I had not mirrored what I was experiencing towards the abuser and confuse him I would not have been standing here today. So thank you very much. I will share this on my facebook page so that all can know what to look out for and why victims stay with the abuser for so long. Thank you thank you thank you!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for passing it along. Glad it resonated!!