Break free of the trauma bonds in narcissistic abuse

[@z1z2z3z]

Jay has a way of explaining that simultaneously hits me in the gut and lifts my chin. I've landed on this channel after almost three years of watching therapists and nothing compares. Incredible work, much appreciated!

[@angelakh4147]

“…hits me in the gut and lifts my chin.” YES! SO well said! My experience exactly.

[@z1z2z3z]

@@angelakh4147 Thank you!

[@mmmchocolate140]

Jay was talking about noticing and celebrating your recovery, and since being narc-free for 2 years I can see these good things happening: 1. My heart doesn't feel like it is in a physical vice-grip because of stress. 2. I can go to sleep a lot faster because I don't spend as much time overthinking 3. I can make changes in my life because I don't have to think twice about the retribution I might face because of doing something they didn't like. 4. I can differentiate between the things I like, and the things they forced upon me. It feels good to be free!

[@dnk4559]

This gives me so much hope and reminds me that I too am recovering. Best wishes to you on continued success!

[@dancinginthepurplereign4126]

Thank you for sharing. This gives me hope too. I am almost 1 year 7 months no contact. And I am just starting to get the mental clarity.

[@charissaschalk5175]

Such a powerful statement, Jay! 'The parent has ideas of how they want to feel around the child, and if the child complies, there is a sort of peace; if the child frustrates the parent, there is either retribution or abandonment.' (Probably not an exact quote.) This has been the story of my life, really. I became very good at making people feel around me the way they wanted to feel, but if I decided to stop catering to them, there was either wrath or abandonment. And, yes, I found it very helpful to have the differences between the two types of bonds laid out clearly. This was a highly relevant video. Thanks!

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

So true. So well put, and the story of my life too. I'm going to watch this one again now! My parents need me to be emotional so that they feel stable and in control of their emotions, and understanding this is really helpful in learning why my reacting perpetuates the dysfunction that works for them. A hurt reaction to being hurt and stonewalled on the subject *is* normal but it feeds in to what they need. To feel calm and superior and steady around me. My Dad went to a psychiatric hospital several times so I know it's projection. They are a strong but dysfunctional unit together and I've had to be strong on my own. They'll never acknowledge this though. I need to accept their crappy distorted views of me and detach detach detach.

[@goldieh7121]

What Jay has to say always seems to resonate with me. Self compassion, patience and paying attention to what I am feeling when I start to spiral is the only thing that can lift the veil of shame. The idea of living in defiance of the narcissist's rules has also been a game changer. I am giving my inner child permission to think and act defiantly when she is comfortable with coming out of her hiding place. Now that I am letting her say to me how she feels, without judgement, I'm l finding out that she's pretty pissed off. I am also recognizing how mean the inner voice that I learned from my parents is. Today, I had a nice time with a new friend. After I said goodbye, my mind started to read into everything, like my mom would do, and I started to feel insecure. My inner child spoke up and said "can't you just let me f'in have this nice experience?". I'm starting to love this girl, my inner child ☺️. Her truth isn't as scary I thought it would be. She just makes things lighter and more fun. I thought I needed to protect her, but she's the one who's guiding me, as long as I let her speak the truth.

[@authorgirl93]

This is so beautiful! And a testament to the work you've been putting in. I definitely find my inner child is becoming more vocal as time goes on and as a result my real personality and what I really enjoy has come out more and more :)

[@goldieh7121]

@@authorgirl93 Thanks! So good to hear that you are experiencing this as well💕

[@ninabuckingham4066]

👊❣️👊

[@frau_ic]

12:00 I see an analogy in the dilemma faced by many of the abused slaves in US when slavery was abolished: The autonomy they had been denied for so long seemed useless to many of them, given the fact that they had no basis socially to operate by means of it.

[@beatrizvignoli4053]

In Brazil they had the same problem when slavery was abolished by the end of the 19th century, and ended up as servants because there were no other job available for them.

[@cyny6305]

Good insight. Societies also need their scapegoats and, yes, African Americans are still scapegoated by our society. Generations trauma + trauma bond.

[@frau_ic]

@@cyny6305 The abolition of slavery should have put an end to the so-called scapegoat existence. Now you really have to doubt the sense of such a society, which calls itself democratic. Given that your assessment is correct, this double standard would be unacceptable.

[@missyk2984]

I’m traumatized and trauma bonded to my demented psychopathic narcissistic family… I’m also blamed for everything and deal with Shame and guilt

[@dnk4559]

I’m working on detaching/separating from my family of origin for similar reasons.

[@missyk2984]

@@dnk4559 same

[@Sldindpunjab]

I love your channel, and I rewatch your videos to clarify my experiences. Going 0 contact is the best decision I ever made. Thank you

[@franciscoguevara9727]

yeah , in this case i was scapegoated i felt i needed to take abuse even outside the home because of the abuse i suffered when i lived 2 years alone with the narc parent. The first useful skill i had to learn was boundaries, and connecting to my healthy anger, and to my perspective because a gaslighted person such as a child/teenager abused by a narc parent can learn to question their own perspective. In the form of a "safe enough" person that helped me connect to my anger and to my perspective when i was being abused emotionally in a job site , i kept setting boundaries and speaking up against the treatment and one day i had enough and walked out. I noticed a self-love , self-respect moment and self-attunement to my inner child quite clearly right there when i followed through with the boundary and I had honored my perspective over the perspective of people that wanted to abuse me , and tell me they had a reason to do it. I honored how i felt and it didnt feel well, i honored that my #1 priority was to heal and recover emotionally from the narc abuse i suffered that i didnt even know back then was narc abuse , but learnt later in my journey what it was. Ive been almost 3 years in healing from childhood trauma by a narc parent, as an adult with boundaries and that loves coming from his authentic feelings there have been narcs after me in the circles i move in, and i even suffered a smear campaign which led me to understand better narc abuse, and i suffered even a trauma bond, because it was in a place i founded, and i initially got support there... Earlier in my recovery i was also encouraged to do stuff with myself, go to coffee shops with a book, go to movies alone, and really champion that i can do stuff alone, I can even ask for what i need in the coffee shop, like more water, i can take my space, that was earlier in my recovery, and after a lot of meetings in support groups and emdr and somatic experiencing im even more comfortable in my boundaries and have understood it was more about the narc parent, and theres still healing to happen , slowly- And yes attachment is nicer and slower - and individuation is one of the most important things, and something a narc parent doesn't like, and attacks- But for me my authentic individuated expression is so necesarry, its another redflag i watch out for, systems that virtue signal or use toxic positivity to diminishi individuation, these systems are narc in nature as well, may have elements of a cult- and one of the redflags, is they dont allow questioning authority, or experiencing feelings of anger, or boundaries, or sadness- they have cult ways, and these systems are a no no for me a survivor of narc abuse in childhood that has almost 3 years in healing my childhood trauma by narc abuse, and absolutely needs authenticity, individuation expression connection and boundaries

[@cordeliajosee]

What a great description of the BOUNDARY between the parent - respect for the child and wanting the child to do well. WOW - sure didn't get that and now that you describe the way it should have been with the parent - yes - great incite. Thank you so much!

[@mathematicromancio]

Thank you very much for sharing these enlightments. It helps a lot ! Not so many therapists dedicate their time to the relationship parent/child in narcissitic family. The majority of the information is focused on romantic relationships and narcissistic abuse between partners. We, as children of narcissistic parents, are craving for these insights to help us go forward. Much respect and greetings from Morocco.

[@denisel780]

This makes so much sense! Thank you. Every Sunday you give us another puzzle piece to help us understand our crazy childhoods!

[@saratemp790]

This is one thing I don't see much on. A narc will often pay you a lot of attention and get involved in your life. More than other people. And when they are not being a jerk, that seems like a good thing sometimes. So to leave your narc, you have to leave that attention. And that is hard to do.

[@goldieh7121]

That's so true! They give us occasional approval and validation. We became conditioned to think we need their approval, so when we leave we feel lost without it. At least I think that's why, since I've been trying not to look for approval from others, I've been struggling even though I'm away from the abuse.

[@rosettesionne9139]

One thing that help me is that, narcissist are not the only one who may give us attention, in fact I hear a narcissist say to me one day that everyone is repleacable and that everyone can give us love and approval if we use the right approach, I was force to think about it and I had to admit that is was true, narcissist were not the only one who gave me love and attention in fact, there were many people who care about me and who were nice to me but my mind was only focused on the narcissist act of niceness to the point I became completely blind to the niceness if others, why was it like that?... trauma bond. Another psychologist said to me one day, that when we are trauma bond to a narc, we tend to over exaggerates their act of niceness in order to survive their abuses, we focus only on their good sides and ignore their bad sides in order to make our life with them more bearable. When I finally left some narcissist and began focusing on myself I finally noticed that the attention that the narcissist gave me were nothing special and that there are other people who gave me the same attention AND who were not abusing me. So trust me, narcissist are not as indispensable as they may think if you truly believe that the attention that narcissist gave you, nobody can give you that same attention, then you may still be in a trauma bond

[@belovedchild9812]

Your point about focusing each day on your body is such a great observation. I started taking a break to lie down every afternoon a year ago. At first, this was a necessity because I was tired. Now, it has transformed into a meditation process where I go inward and focus on myself. I do this every day no matter what, for 1-2 hours. Focusing on my body puts me at the center of my experience. After a year of doing this, I’m feeling more self focused, and I’m better able to self regulate my emotional state. Thanks Jay!

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

This is my mother, if I don't reflect back her rosy view of herself, GOD HELP ME. There can be a pseudo harmony yes, *perfectly* phrased. I challenged her a bit 2 years ago because so many labels are projected on to me, but there is no facility for feedback at all in our family. As you say, it's buckle under or be ostracised, I had to chose being ostracised. In two years, she's had no epiphany at all. Just got angrier with me for ''what I've done to the family''. I'm 51 and my parents are 77 and I can't get them to see me as an equal. Any ''dynamic'' that isn't SUPERIORITY:COMPLIANCE is an act of aggression perpetrated against them. I'm looking after myself (therapy, self-compassion, cutting out toxic cousins), meditations etc.. but it's still really hard to just accept their distorted perceptions of me.

[@dnk4559]

I totally get this. I was talking to an Al-Anon friend recently (12 step recovery group) and mentioned that I realized one of my struggles has been that someday they would see who I was instead of their negative version projected onto me. I give up. In my fifties now and I have to accept that and move on.

[@kimlec3592]

Your website content helped me feel safe, calm & not crazy. For the first time in forever. Thank you is an understatement.

[@mongohotline]

The clarity with which you present these concepts is genuinely the best I've seen. Thank you for all your help and please keep doing what you're doing.

[@angelakh4147]

Man, this helps me. I have this anxiety that creeps up on me from out of nowhere, and it very well could be this! I have been working for some time to break free, and I finally have, but the building of the relationship with myself continues. And, as usual, you make me feel proud and strong and NORMAL! Those three adjectives are really new to me as a person on the inside.

[@teresaneumann1098]

Please talk more about trauma bonds. I am trying to understand more about this as I had a narc mother. I've been separated from her now for 12 years. After that I started my journey on understanding my situation, as I was so confused. Now I know why, but am now at the stage of wanting to understand trauma bonds, etc. Thank you so much. This is very much needed for ongoing understanding and healing.

[@catb445]

Your videos have helped me understand and validate my own experiences to heal from narcissistic abuse which started in childhood. Much of this came up for me when I divorced abusive partner. I find this information invaluable in not just helping myself but also my children, one is a young adult, the other is a teenager. Survivors of abuse have to deal with so much shame, blame and guilt. Thank you so much for your insights and support!💜🙏

[@dnk4559]

I found it was after my divorce that I was finally able to face the childhood trauma also.

[@catb445]

@@dnk4559 me too! 🤗

[@caroliner2029]

Thank you so much Jay for addressing the trauma bond formed in childhood. I have hit a crossroad in the relationship with my father, who was married to my narcissist mother (now deceased), to whom he was the wilfully blind enabling doormat parent who never protected us his children. I've been praying and asking for the Lord God's strength and wise counsel to be able to have a discussion about our family with my father. I cannot go along with the family propaganda narrative any longer just to have some semblance of relationship with him. The Holy Spirit of truth won't let me just be quiet about it anymore. I've been looking for a way to introduce the subject that my father will listen to and understand, and I'm going to utilise this video, and its explanation. The Lord God bless you for your good work to the brokenhearted.🇦🇺

[@aquariusstar7248]

I remember in my early young adult days when I meditated and did yoga, I felt good mentally and emotionally despite my battles from residual pain amd trauma from parental narc abuse. As soon as I would get centered and feeling whole, I would get knocked off track by the pull of trauma bond relationships with unstable, erratic, aloof men who mimicked my childhood trauma bonds. The magnetics makes sense now. Now in my later years, here I am, once again returning to connect to myself through these practices....in content solitude.

[@dark7angel456]

Thanks for these again. Relieving and understanding to me when I felt noone would get. I feel/felt so internally trapped

[@karenmininni4962]

Excellent video. Love the first chart that shows to separate and defy the narcissist. Also, how to slowly form an attachment bond to the self following being individualized and separate. This recovery must be very strategic and personalized due to scapegoating blame programming.

[@diatribe5]

As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, I didn’t know that it was expected of me to appease the emotional needs of my parents. You see, I too have an ego. What about my ego?? I could not just ignore my own needs. And it wasn’t in my nature to anticipate the needs of others.

[@mediacreations5996]

So many takeaways from this video for me right now, really appreciate clarity on trauma bonds. Still my struggle,thanks for the great advice on how to break free 🙏🌟🌈

[@suzannebunbury2961]

Woooooooonderful. Thank you for the understanding, validation and next steps❤️

[@daishamouton1471]

I was once this child. I even got with a Bigger narc after i escaped my parents and now i feel that ive stayed with my narc for so long i cant keep up with my kids. In return my child is falling victim to his dads narc abuse and idk what to do. Anytime i speak up for my son he makes me think im the narc and then i focus so much on ME not being a narc to my son that i cant concentrate on anything because I am so confused and guilt ridden. I dont want to traumatize my kids. I left him yesterday because if i Am a narc i refuse to let it be 2 against my baby! I dont want himm to have the same childhood i had. This have driven me to drink after A yr and a half sober. Im hitting rock bottom.

[@soniahathaway1]

You have left, that is brave and strong. Hopefully, listening to these videos and carefully over time finding one or 2 safe people, you can gain confidence. It is not your fault and if your child is identifying with and behaving as a narcissist, that too is traumatic. But you have to look after you for now and be safe and emotionally strong. There will be people that need your strength in the future. 🤗

[@mayyourwishesallcometrue]

Thank you for sharing the research article by Schwartz about the difference between an attachment bond and a trauma bond. I just downloaded the article. It has a lot of really useful information in it.

[@christorres4248]

Jay your work is so helpful to me, thank you so much!

[@miss-winner]

Jay, you get it. You actually get it! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

You're very welcome

[@outliersoutlier8021]

This explains so much and reflects my actual experience.

[@gopal1035]

Thank you sir 😀

[@tessellatiaartilery8197]

This was very helpful, giving helpful vocabulary and concepts to analyze and navigate a difficult situation. This channel helps and encourages. Thank you very much for helping people move towards stronger mental health.

[@juliebrown7268]

Thank you for confirming something I need to do for my own wellbeing!

[@sandramurray5879]

What a good video. I am learning so much from these weekly videos. They make such sense and are helping me to understand what happened in my childhood. Thank you.

[@izawaniek2568]

Thank you for great advice and support.

[@ARK-xm2nb]

I use too. Then they were done alot already and then done worse once they knew I was done. So now I have nothing to fear as they did them to degrees that literally got me Isolated and destitute. Soon I'll be some place they can't manipulate everything anymore especially my personal environment physically and in general.

[@mosim9691]

Luv your content! You are helping me heal!

[@The_green_zebra]

Thank you so much it was very helpful. I could see a lot of myself today and as a child in a lot of the stuff you were talking about.

[@johannabergstrom5030]

This video is very helpful! Thank you!

[@stonemanson4884]

Thank you

[@meowmeow1stgen668]

i love this channel

[@static-remission27]

Promise, James woods, James garner

[@story7088]

Thank you for your work Jay. So very helpful.

[@aking3624]

Amazing! Thank you❤

[@francesbernard2445]

The attachment bond process which happens during pregnancy in both parents bringing a child into the world is why it would so unethical to find a way to bring a child into existence with the use of only an incubating machine from conception of that child. Almost as unethical impregnating only a machine would be for people with infertility problems who have that kind of over developed sense of entitlement to be seeking in hiring a surrogate parent to incubate an in vitro conception using only 2 cells from each of their bodies. That could lead to higher numbers of children who have narcissistic personality disorders while they are trying to live up to what their parents were imagining them to become some day during the 9 months before birth. Military families having to cope with too much distance between the father and the child during those 9 months is bad enough already for children when it comes to being able to form healthy parent/child attachments. Like when a father with narcissi tic tendencies with a brain injury acquired while fighting on front lines comes home after a long time after only 9 and a half months of being away from his wife and then when getting home his own biological child when he sees him acts like he is only a stranger instead of being given a hero's welcome by everyone around.

[@Skeijeindi]

My father was capable to kill me. To not be killed I needed to behave and show him I loved him and cared for him whilst instead I was totally TERRIFIED OF HIM. When he was coming back home from work my heart always sunk

[@Angell_Lee]

I have a major crush on you Jay, also great video as usual :)

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

That film is on Netflix!

[@shawnasatchell8897]

How do I know if I’m the narcissist???

[@goldieh7121]

Narcissists don't usually ask that question.

[@tonioinverness]

You're not.

[@user-zy8gk2nn7d]

@@learningenglishthroughtran8540 narc knows she/he is causing pain to a chid - they plan their actions ahead but they justify it in their own minds. The truth is narc hates scapegoat and their actions prove it. If you do what your narc parent did to you - certain behaviour you will see how angry and disrespectful narc feels but in his mind he has a right to treat others this way but not the other way.

[@yashi7799]

is it possible to have a trauma bond even if you are almost no contact in college but you think about their approval ALL.THE.TIME. i feel like i am 2 people, one that i am with people and other that is the tape that keeps playing in my mind about so many things. i am financially dependent on them and i am almost done w college but i don't have a job. I am almost 25 years old and i keep saboatging everything and i still don't allow myself to do anything they ever disapproved of. i keep falling and don't stick to anything and i keep failing at eveything. i am so sick and exhausted of being the way i am. ALL I DO IS NOTHING, IT FEELS LIKE I AM JUST WAITING FOR LIFE TO PASS ME BY SO I CAN DIE AND BE FREE.

[@kerrymillar1267]

Can this apply to romantic relationships too? Also can a person who created a trauma bond with me go on to form a healthy attachment with someone new? Thank you.

[@blackduck9867]

After your recommendation just watch “Gone baby gone” movie, very interesting. That morally righteous people as protagonist are the worst, all that Christian moral and spiritual abuse. How I hate such people. It reminds me scene from Assassins Creed game - when assassin walks through Sistine Chapel in Vatican crowd of clergy shames them - Assassins! Assassins! And he replies - You judge what you do not understand!!! When law is lawless anyone who peruses justice is criminal! I in my life meet such invalidating morally righteous therapist and so on who without any care for me throw me back in to jaws of narcissistic abusive family system just because it is morally right thing to do according to their rigid religious/ spiritual belief system! And they do not care how that affects me resulting as total disaster. How I wish that there will be more in real life such people as police officers and brother of dysfunctional mother of child.