Separated But Still Living Together - Can You Change Her Mind? | Damian’s Story

[@GeoffreySetiawan]

Hey guys hope this was helpful! Leave me a comment with your thoughts? Be sure to check out my brand new masterclass on the 5 Proven Steps to Rebuilding Your Relationship/Marriage. (Warning: Spots are limited) 💪 Here is the link to the MASTERCLASS! -> urlgeni.us/MCTSDAHADS 🎁 Download the FREE GUIDE! -> relationshipsmastered.com/healing-partner-emotions 🎉 To see how all my clients have achieved massive success through dire & hopeless circumstances, click here! kzbin.info/aero/PLQ8tvyhQlPzsNm-vC_g_8SWGcJRngefgU

[@jjwiggs28]

This sounds like my story. I've been a half-assed husband and father for 5+ years. I'm trying to rebuild myself for me. My wife is done and is ready to divorce. I'm not giving up... These videos help tremendously.

[@RossBayCult]

Keep us updated. I’m going through the same thing too. Let’s keep in touch.

[@TrustingColston]

Can you update us as to how things are going?

[@storm5986]

When i first started this journey i had fallen for the urgency illusion and was trying to do all the right things but i came to find out they were for the wrong reasons and i feel like she saw through it. I am now focusing on making internal shifts and improving everyday with the practices taught in tbe channel and we have began hanging out with our son without the anger through out the entire event, there is still a far way to go and i know the program goes further in depth with what the changes are in depth and how to train yourself through the process but with my financial difficulties i have stayed with the channel alone but the changes with the short videos are amazing and have improved a lot of my other relationships with my family and they notice the changes. Thank you Geoffrey for creating the content you do it has help me begin the process through the journey and i want to keep going no matter how difficult the situation is

[@donnellnigel2913]

I’m more or less in the same situation. Especially with the reason why we haven’t joined the program. I’d give any amount of money if i could because it helps us actually improve as people. I’m also running with the KZbin channel for now and it it’s been helping me in ways that i could never put into words. But its definitely not an easy road to walk…you learn so many things about yourself that you won’t find easy, but the changes are worth it in the end.

[@RossBayCult]

Same here. Geoffrey really tapped into the code which I honestly thought never existed. But it’s not easy.

[@alecmcd8536]

Damian's interview covers the essential mindset shifts required to create a BPV to hear the tough truths and fight through the tough resistance. I believe this is where I am at right now. We had a difficult conversation the other day about the divorce, lots of tough truths, but I managed to create safety by using SOC and AutoSuggestions before we had the conversation to get my mind in a state where I could listen and talk about everything without overreacting. She even sent me a message the next day about how I was the person who she could tell anything without being judged. My biggest takeaway from this interview was the stress around un-teathering and avoiding the FAE bias. Both of these have been killing me in my relationship, but she shared with me something that confirms that this is the case. She mentioned that she likes space to reflect on things, and that this was one of the major things that men do that push her away. So she literally told me some of her needs, and really stresses why I need to untether to give her the space she needs to figure herself out. @ 00:14:00 you mention only focusing on what you can control, and this really resonates with me because the only thing I can control is myself, therefore that is what I need to focus on improving. Also I caught myself falling for the FAE bias the other day, and when I internalized it I began to realize how far off I was and how I almost destroyed safety by blaming her for things that were not real. This made it really apparent as to why I need to avoid this at all costs. Shifting my mind to a farmers mindset from the hunters mindset has been challenging, but I keep reminding myself to do what's right for the relationship and not just in this moment. Also remaining tethered can cause us to do things that come across as needy and manipulative, which emphisises on the need to shift focus from the result and onto the process. Thanks again for publishing these interviews, they are extremely helpful and everything seems to be getting more clear the more I watch these.

[@tb87670]

I'm starting to internalize some changes slowly. Your videos are helping me more than anything else, Geoffrey. I'm still in a lot of pain because it's almost been 3 weeks since my wife suddenly came home late after "hanging with friends" all day and said she was leaving. She just grabbed her stuff, said some mean things, and left me and our son. She said she "shouldn't have to tell me" when I asked why she never talked to me about how close we were to divorce. She admitted she was doing this at a bad time (due to my father being sickly and me helping him) and she even said she was a horrible person for blindsiding me like that. She comes by to get our son on her days off but we have no formal custody agreement yet. Later found evidence she had a one-time affair. I seem to be getting to a better place to work on myself but the pain crashes against me like a wave and it brings me down several times a day. I think I have to process my pain first? She doesn't want to try, says she doesn't see a point because she thinks it won't work no matter what. As you said, her giving me no hope is an opportunity to show how I act without hope. I'm trying, I know it won't be overnight to build up the right mindset and internalize the changes properly. She softened up over the past few weeks from wanting a divorce ASAP to now wanting us to be separated and possibly working on it. But she can't promise anything like us going to therapy together and seems agitated at even me putting my arm around her. All I can do is keep working on myself slowly, I'm coming from a place of wanting to fix my marriage instead of a place of needing to save it. At least that sunk in finally the past few days, I can move on without her but I would prefer to keep my family intact. Sadly my finances are a wreck from this, otherwise I would sign up for your course. I'm trying to absorb as much as I can from your free videos.

[@GeoffreySetiawan]

The pain and anxiety you feel is due to being tethered to the outcome. Teaching the process of untethering is one of the first things I do when my clients enroll. As you are experiencing this is a huge drain on your motivation and energy. There is no quick fix and I know the feeling my man, let me know how I can help.

[@tb87670]

@@GeoffreySetiawan It helps you pointed out that issue, I will watch more of your videos with this specifically in mind. Thank you! The part with the post from Damian at 12:23 in this video talks about untethering and also helps me to keep motivated.

[@tycerxyz7534]

I’m the woman in my marriage and there is a wide variety of toxic issues that have taken place including supposed polyarmory as a coping mechanism on my husbands side. I want to start working on myself because I don’t feel I have been my best self for quite some time now. I want to be bulletproof now!

[@AverageAufa]

i wish my husband had this level of self awareness

[@peterfichtner1]

Wow dude you should have more subscribers you are really good at breaking things down. I don’t have any extra money right now but would pay for coaching if I could.

[@hasapplet1861]

This is very similar to what I had gone through with my wife. It took years and slowly has been getting a lot better.

[@alexandermoreno9087]

Currently my partner and I are broken up we have a baby and are living together. I started my mental health journey recently and realized I needed a lot of help. I followed almost identically to your client. After watching this I wrote down all the things I hadn’t taken ownership of in our relationship over the years. I have questions about boundaries, I pay all the mortgage most of the bills etc. In my head I don’t want to cause any stress to my partner am I wrong should we be splitting everything according to % of pay? My gut feeling is I shouldn’t change anything. (She told me she didn’t love me about 3 months ago) I also told myself she might leave that’s a real possibility I am trying to own that idea without it consuming me but that’s where my anxiety takes over which is what I am working very hard on.

[@HeroPerformance]

Good interview. During no contact recently my ex sent a handwritten letter overseas saying she will always remember our nice times. A breadcrumb type of message, if you will. I wrote her saying thank you for the card and that it was sweet. She sent more messages and asked if we can talk sometime. I said "sure, try me Monday". She never reached out. Im considering sending a message saying that I understand why she may not feel safe reaching out because in the past Ive shut down and got angry making her feel emotionally unsafe, or I grasped too tightly putting pressure on her and that she can feel comfortable and safe now expressing herself to me. However, most coaches would say I need to wait and let her come to me and stay in no contact because saying such a thing and initiating contact is weak and needy and will further lower attraction. Thoughts?

[@dt3947]

I've been following the process and it's been good. On the contrary, my Wife still has limerence (emotional and physical) for her ex I feel like whenever they have issues then I am the back up for her needs. Things are definitely progressing , but at the same time I feel like it's still in limbo

[@GeoffreySetiawan]

Having a process and having a process to keep improving your processes are two different things. What are some process improvements you feel, you could be making? Also, have you seen my video on limerence... Eye-Opening!

[@savvyguy1353]

Sorry dude. Sounds like you are in a spot. Get in shape and maximize yourself on top of doing this stuff

[@danielstan3345]

I like u said one to two years,because i felt like i was gettin nowhere..

[@HM-rp3oi]

I think I have fallen for the urgency illusion. I feel like I’ve made a lot of positive changes (not playing the victim, admitting to all my flaws, not shifting the blame, not being defensive, seeing issues as an opportunity & wanting to dig deeper to understand my ex more,etc & trying to show her all this through txt as she isn’t wanting to communicate. When she replied negatively or not at all I’ve either left it a week or two before contacting again or retreated with “I understand that you’re not wanting to talk right now. I can understand why you might think… old self/new self etc. & left it with here when you’d like to talk. But then I have no response after a week or two & then I’ll msg again. & now after 10 months I’m blocked on all platforms. & my efforts have just seemed to annoy her & make things worse. I’ve stayed untethered in terms of not giving up but maybe too tethered by contacting every week or two? Seeming I’m blocked & she doesn’t want me to contact her is my only option to leave her alone & hope that I have planted enough positive seeds. & she will contact me in the future?

[@GeoffreySetiawan]

Hhmm, seems like you could learn a few lessons from Damian. What was his major causes he was not getting the results he desired?

[@HM-rp3oi]

@@GeoffreySetiawanIt seems he was not untethered from the outcome & doing to have not to be. I am trying to do & show I’m doing this for me no matter what the outcome is. My biggest problem is I’ve struggled to get past the point where I have been able to create enough emotional safety for her to be able to open up & communicate to allow me the opportunity to dig listen, deeper, & ask more questions. I can see from social media that she’s deliberately been doing no contact to heal so I’ve basically just been having one sided msgs & using that to try to create emotional safety & give her hope that things can be different. Bringing up the issues , showing I understand, how it must have made her feel & how I should have & can do things differently. Then always trying to leave the door open & shown I’m wanting to get more of her point of view. But this approach clearly isn’t working for me so just looking for some advice on what I might be getting wrong & how I might be able to start over or anywhere being in the situation of being blocked & asked to stop contacting her.

[@GeoffreySetiawan]

@@HM-rp3oi Being is about just being, not about showing. Think about it, are you trying to market changes, as you said "Show", or are you just focused on making massive changes? Ask yourself this, then the answer should be clear on what you need to focus on.

[@HM-rp3oi]

@@GeoffreySetiawan Ok thank you Geoffrey. I will work on becoming untethered from the outcome, & focus on making big changes & being instead of trying so hard to explain & sell myself. One of my last messages before being blocked was letting her know I want her to decide for herself what she wants to think, feel & do about my changes & that in the meantime I’m going to keep working on myself. & I’m here to talk when she’s ready.

[@user-ho7mh1wb3z]

​@@HM-rp3oiwhats the situation now ?

[@victoriaoshea4865]

Very insightful Thank you

[@TeamTNTunicorn]

Hey Geoff! I have a question that I haven't run into an answer for yet, but I think you'd be the best person to answer: what is the best way to artfully recover from the loss of an intimate relationship? Once you have determined that moving forward is better than continuing the old relationship. I have grown a ton from your material so far, but I am realizing fundamental differences may make the last relationship I had detrimental even if things are repaired. I want to recover in a way that isn't just suppressing the upset or falling apart, so I can tackle life challenges without it bothering me and work on myself for a new self and a relationship from a healthy place. Any advice?thanks. -Monty, 21

[@GeoffreySetiawan]

Hey guys hope this was helpful! Leave me a comment with your thoughts? Be sure to check out my brand new masterclass on the 5 Proven Steps to Rebuilding Your Relationship/Marriage. (Warning: Spots are limited) 💪 Here is the link to the MASTERCLASS! -> urlgeni.us/MCTSDAHADS 🎁 Download the FREE GUIDE! -> relationshipsmastered.com/healing-partner-emotions 🎉 To see how all my clients have achieved massive success through dire & hopeless circumstances, click here! kzbin.info/aero/PLQ8tvyhQlPzsNm-vC_g_8SWGcJRngefgU

[@Brandonfunky]

But what kind of partner would just drop the marriage like that tho. I believe sometimes is just better let them be. Except you cheat or abuse your wife. If you truly love with all you heart , but they can just turn around and walk away. Is it worth to earn them back tho?

[@GeoffreySetiawan]

I used to think the same. Until I realized that even though my partner was the one who walked away, I realize that I betrayed the relationship LONG before she walked away. Remember - you are asking your partner to spend her one and only life with you. That's about the biggest ask you can ask of someone. If you want to ask of her something that big, you need to ask yourself...Have I delivered big? By what standard? If not - Then you have no business saying this stuff... And as a man who recently got married and planning to start a family soon with the same partner for 9 years, and as a person who is in the happiest state in their own marriage, I am glad I opened my eyes wide enough to see how I actually betrayed her long ago and get out of my own internal denial.

[@WrittenInGrim]

Hey Geoffrey I have a question for you. Recently my fiance of five years broke it off. Long story short we stopped communicating well. I got caught up in my emotions and anger. Therapy is helping as well as your videos and Im growing alot. My question for you is: We are still living together and she wants to be friends with possibility of future dating. How do I give her space/ go back to being just friends when I want to marry her?

[@savvyguy1353]

Move her out bro. You have no kids and no baggage. Work on yourself and see what happens

[@lucaswoods1155]

Just like with anything there are no guarantees in life and the same goes with this program at the end of the day we are human beings with free will and you could be the perfect person and do everything right and in the end still end up alone

[@GeoffreySetiawan]

Hmm...It's funny, our clients DO NOT say the same. They know that when you become irreplaceable and learn the necessary & sufficient skills, outcomes will come your way... Have you taken the program? We do not have any clients with your name...

[@danielstan3345]

How to apply for the programe

[@lucaswoods1155]

@@GeoffreySetiawan no I haven’t i actually considered it a few months ago when I was going through my own break up and I’ve watched a bunch of your videos but I realized that I never really loved that woman and I was just afraid of being alone and that appealing to emotion instead of logic can be very dangerous I understand it and I believe it works but I don’t agree with it take for example when I was still with this woman we had watched a movie it was an apocalyptic type of movie me being former military I know a thing or two about having to make hard choices and I tried to explain to her when the topic came up that if there was someone in the group slowing us down we would have to leave that person there and her being a woman and using emotion instead of logic couldn’t get her head around the concept that we cannot endanger the entire group to possibly save one individual and that thinking is very dangerous and frankly I wouldn’t want someone with me who couldn’t see the greater good if it came down to it

[@Allison-405]

My partner and I have over 18 years together, he’s my best friend but I’ve been horrible to be with and I have had trouble with mental illness that’s undiagnosed. I thought my partner would stay with me but he has checked out. He’s had enough of my bs. I need to change but it’s really hard without his support which I’ve grown “used” to(subtext took advantage of) he’s still the love of my life, but I have made him feel so unsafe and he’s built those walls high and now has taken joy in helping another lady emotionally as he’s an empath. I feel distrust for the first time ever even though he’s never let me down ever before now. I have no idea how to listen and control my emotions. Is there anything I should do because innone more week I think it’s all going to be 100% over on his end. Allison

[@bendavies8688]

Hey, how’s this going? And do you have any advice? My ex of 2 years broke up with me a month ago due to undiagnosed mental health issues and we live together this year with mutual friends. I was willing to stay with her despite not being treated the best and always loved her and supported her, as well as a few human immature mistakes that I learnt from. Do you have any advice? I’ve given her space but still done a few small things that have upset her and made her feel like she hasn’t had space. I then sorted my mindset and accidentally did a few things which have made her feel even more isolated due to me entirely focusing on things I wanted to do thinking I was giving her space too. I want to get back together in the future when we’ve both matured and sorted ourselves out and I am heartbroken, but I just want her to be happy as we are good friends

[@ronniefoster56]

How to join and how much the program

[@saintdiego89]

I’m I a similar situation, we still live together, but she already has moved on to another man. I don’t know what to do. Should I leave my family behind?

[@GeoffreySetiawan]

Not my call to make. I work with men and women who choose to grow themselves regardless of their situations so that they 1) Do not repeat the same mistakes and 2) Give themselves the best opportunity to not only save their relationship but also thrive in it!

[@saintdiego89]

I need help it improve myself and cop with the situation. 14 yrs

[@savvyguy1353]

@@saintdiego89great professional advice man. This content is great but there are probably no cookie cutter solutions

[@marklubbock9615]

How do I join the master class?