Setting Boundaries with In-laws

[@michaelking4578]

When your in laws treat your wife like an incompetent child you have to step in and stand up for your bride. Good job marriage guy! I will subscribe.

[@RascalKyng]

@Jn35 - She should have. In a perfect world for sure.

[@keshiawilson1522]

Pray that that happens for me because my husband do not protect me at all

[@megank3358]

Amen.

[@BannerJames]

@@keshiawilson1522 meanwhile I'm sticking up for my wife and myself. But my narcissistic mother-in-law is pretty good at what she does. Her husband leaving her in the middle of the night kind of makes sense now. I stick up from My Wife and try to guide her in decisions. As she should for me. Marriage is very hard. Especially when you have an intrusive mother-in-law or father-in-law for that instance. I'm sorry and I pray for you.

[@keshiawilson1522]

James Banner Thanks, we've been to Counseling several times for this but can't see it. I think over the holiday weekend he kind of saw what I've been talking about after four years of marriage. His younger brother is the shapegoat he is the blind child and the younger sister is the Godlen child who is praised for bullying me by her mother so I just avoid her to keep my peace most of the time

[@ryanfrizzell736]

In-law boundaries are such an important topic.

[@hopennibrah9399]

Potential Inlaws killed my relationship and it’s freaken heart breaking. Thanks for the advice Sir, I was way tooo kind towards them and in the end I got destroyed. One advice I can suggest to any girls out there, do not let your parents make decisions over your relationship.

[@arkieologist]

A guy who will stand up for me against an asshole - even if that's my dad? is a total WINNER in my book! 😃♥️👏🏻 It takes bravery and skill to do that and maintain respect!!

[@johnikeson3114]

God bless you sir, I literally pondered on how to deal with my inlaw before I saw this and everything you said I already came to a conclusion to action them so stumbling on this message is pure confirmation. This is so spot on. Some of inlaws are super bored at their age and they want to relive their life through their inlaw. It is so draining and they don't realise this grave error. I will respect them but I will also set boundaries.

[@5ra46]

If you have some words of encouragement or firm tips, please share. I'm desperate over here. :(

[@johnikeson3114]

@@5ra46 Hi hope this finds you well. To be brutally honest, it's a never ending battle, just when you think it's over, something else will come up. But the most encouraging thing is 1: Having God on your side and 2: Having a supportive partner who is willing to ride with you and trust your decision. Being a man and the head of my home, my wife believes me 100% and at the same time i don't want her to have issues with her family because they are and will always be her secondary family now that we are married. There is no one solution, because scenarios and environment might be different, you just need to find what works for you. It takes two to tango, Your partner needs to be supportive and objective at the same time.

[@5ra46]

@@johnikeson3114 Thank you so much! Any kind of encouragement is welcome. We are trying to do the tango as best as we can. I'm still a bit untrustworthy of him, because sometimes when I come out to him with what bothers me, he can't bear to hear it again. I feel like I should just keep my mouth shut. And the other problem, that is my problem, is bitterness that I allowed my husband to convince me we live in the same house - I have resentment towards him that's so sneaky... I'm highly sensitive so I'm too aware of the influence his parents are trying to have. My husband is still convinced he handled things and we are ok, but I'm no fool. I know that through the emotional manipulation they unwantedly achieve that I keep backing up to avoid too many confrontations. They have no healthy boundaries or respect for them, eventhough me and my husband have been very clear from the beginning of what we want. To make things worse, we finance the most of the house renovation and I was hopeful this would bring some peace for us. FIL not so much, but MIL is a controller. She needs to have space in our family, in our marriage and subtly gives commentaries to my role as wife, housekeeper and mother and it's just driving me crazy and because of their control I actually do more harm than good for us in my roles. I'm about to ask for anti-depressants since I can't battle battles at all fronts. I have no peace and my home isn't my safe haven. The vacation we've had were amazing because I was able to calm down and take care of my marriage and family and gained the confidence and peace I do not have in our home. It's nuts, I'm lost and hopeless and it sometimes drives me right to the end when I might hurt myself..

[@johnikeson3114]

@@5ra46 Just today I was talking about the dynamics of family to my wife because my siblings called her and they were telling her to do this and that, having expectations that they themselves can't keep up to. I have had an issue with my older brother before because he called my wife and was saying thing to her I didn't like, he apologised and we made peace after 3 months, now a similar thing is rearing it's ugly head again, but I won't give up or stop defending my wife when i need to. The one thing i am grateful for is the fact that they won't be seeing her again because she will be relocating to where I am based. The most important ingredient to growth is when family stay out of your business, everyone believes they know the best for you, but they are hurting you or breaking your marriage/home. If you are not into prayers, you need to pray for your home, read books on how to deal with or manage in-laws, let your husband read too. You don't want to give up on your home, and i will also suggest you guys seek therapy. Marriage is continuous work, it is not an easy union, and the two people involved need to be willing to make it work at all cost, and with genuine intentions.

[@E.Cerulean]

@@5ra46 Do not hurt yourself though. Please stay strong and SET BOUNDARIES repeatedly. Don't even pay attention to her commentaries, it's hard but realize it has nothing to do with you but with HER.

[@gerardraney7668]

I strongly believe in boundaries being set by both marriage partners because you are one flesh and each other' s priority. When a couple is supportive of each other and not allow in- laws to habitually line step, then the marriage is successful. Avoid profound situations such as placing your relatives as first priority over your spouse. Then, friction will rear its ugly head.

[@aa1589]

move 6 hrs away. close enough to visit a couple times a year, far enough for them to stay tf out of your business

[@topsykretts2264]

Agreed! In our case, we moved across the country with the kids to get away from the toxic and controlling in-laws.

[@BigTroubleD]

It doesn't matter if you move out and get your own place if your spouse lets them walk right in and do whatever they want anyways then turn around and be a devil to you because you won't let his family reign over your home. Some people just don't know how to honor their relationships sadly.

[@zephyrkhambatta]

I'm a guy and I agree. I can't decide if my wife loves her Dad more or me more, but his behaviour is a little all over the place and I don't want him passing that on to my daughter. Of course he's a human being, and I get that everyone has that own journey in life. And I love that for him. Truly. But is it wrong for me to say, "Currently, we're not hanging around people who exhibit a particular type of behaviour and that includes me and my daughter. As for my wife she's a full grown adult and their daughter, so she can go hang out with them if she pleases, and I have no issues with that whatsoever, unless long term she picks up his habits, at which point I might file for a divorce if she does." Although everyone new age and more modern is telling me this is fully logically and emotional boundary-wise the way to go, something in me is wondering if I should just... try to get along with him. Although it's a headache and a nightmare because we are just TOO different (I feel).

[@crystalmcatee]

It feels so good to hear this truth. Blessings sent from above. Thank you!

[@KoolT]

Stay away from toxic ones

[@lukahhaluk4258]

I thought we filipinos only experiencing this kind of issues. I’m also experiencing things as if I can only get half of my husband’s time with our kids and half to my in laws. Their closeness with each other is too much. No set of bounderies at all. 😔😔😔

[@meghanrobles6369]

💯💯💯💯

[@user-ec8js3nc1p]

Know the feeling

[@elindigeno1215]

My in laws are a pain in my rear end. It's their house and they have a lot to say. I'm sick and tired of it.

[@chrisl3158]

why don't you move the %*&@ out?

[@elindigeno1215]

@@chrisl3158 i did already and now I have no wife.

[@fullheart5463]

Right, it’s their house………..if you want rights move out.

[@elindigeno1215]

@@fullheart5463 I did.

[@magicmikeog1920]

My mother in law lives in my house and mooches off of us so bad. I used to be generous until I felt taken advantage of.

[@BoomEastMeetsWest]

My father-in-law is doing the same thing, visiting 5 months without paying. Occasionally he buys some groceries. In today’s world, spending $30 on us for him is a big deal. He is generous with himself. Our electricity bill went up 60% during his visit. He doesn’t care. He comes to spend time with us because he loves us. Spending Time is ok; spending money is not possible. He is 86 and he thinks his spending time with us should be a gift to us. I don’t want this gift. I want my peace in the house. I want my seat in the living room. I shouldn’t need to make appointment to talk to my husband, whom the FIL totally monopolized. He is a nice guy but spending 5 months in my house every year makes me resent him more than anybody in the whole world.

[@johnshafer7214]

I wish I would have known about you 12 years ago. My ex mother in law ruined my first father's day by demanding that Jenny and Rose fly out to Oregon to visit Paul's parents on father's day and I was unable to travel at the time. My as mother in law is extremely selfish and controlling too. Didn't help that my parents tried to micromanage everything like my ex wife Jenny's parents did. Our my marriage ended in a long drawn out divorce that didn't need to happen. Praying that I can have another someone in my life but I don't see it happening.

[@kat28thi19]

I have faith in you John don’t give up you can pursue anything

[@nevlieslu2155]

My MIL found out her son and I see a business in our future. 3 weeks later my in laws are starting a concrete business only their kids are allowed to be in it. No wives or husbands. Now my husband dropped all our dreams that we worked for in over 3-5 years, to do business with his parents and siblings. I’m heartbroken and feel betrayed. Husbands family already don’t like me at all. 🥺🥺🥺 I’m miserable mentally and emotionally

[@kat28thi19]

Leave him and know your worth…

[@brandonbamberg3418]

Leave, just like I'm about too.

[@ineedhoez]

Put your foot down.

[@pbcupcake10]

Bless you heart praying things will change

[@ryanfrizzell736]

Yup, the youngest sister in law I have needs to know and keep inside her own psychological boundaries about some other people.

[@CarmenSandiego649]

On our first Christmas together, the inlaws gave out gifts to everyone but me from his ex girlfriend

[@DareusTyn]

Insensitive... cant be nice.

[@daniellepearls6714]

Horrendous. I would have fled there and then.

[@KoolT]

Wow, ignorant as hades weren't they.

[@kcx2678]

I just wish in-laws don’t exist.

[@fullheart5463]

Then your spouse would not exist.i

[@kcx2678]

@@fullheart5463 I know that. But won’t it be amazing if they just treat their adult children as “ADULTS” or just disappear.

[@fullheart5463]

@@kcx2678 I can see your point……….but, from the standpoint of the parent in law, that is the problem. The children in laws want the parent in law to disappear, how is that fair.

[@kcx2678]

@@fullheart5463 It is fair, specially if the MIL or FIL are always meddling on the affairs of their child’s OWN family. In the Bible, there is this thing called “LEAVE AND CLEAVE”. The (adult) child does not belong to the parents; he/she came through the parents. When he/she becomes an adult and starts his/her own family, that’s now his/her (new) family. That’s why parents should enjoy spending time with their children while they’re still young. And if they’re parents-in-law now, they should be nice to their in-laws. Some decency and respect goes a long way. And ofc, BOUNDARIES.

[@nishantdavid]

Me too

[@melissaweigh4508]

The problem is the word honor and respect and even though they're christian ( I guess) that in there culture means something entirely diff.

[@lisaweaver986]

Thats the prop. They overrule and dont respect . They cant see themselves like themselves pushing into others lives . They just wanna take over and control even to where your death bed gets chosen of.

[@noahbrewster8263]

Thank you

[@rk212005]

yes thats i feel

[@frankperconte7160]

Worst pandemic ever and none of my inlaws contracted covid-19 virus. It’s been 8 months ffs. I must be the luckiest guy alive

[@omololaomolaraaboyade5408]

Thanks so much. Please I have a question. My husband stopped calling my parents because he felt they speak to me too often. My dad hardly calls me and I speak to my sister every morning. My mum sends prayer messages on WhatsApp like 3 times a week and sometimes I call her myself.I am the last born of the family, I live in Europe and my parents live in Nigeria. My mum tries to check on all her kids everyday. My conversation with my sister, has nothing to do with my marriage. We are best friends. I asked my husband why he stopped calling my parents and he said because he feels they call me too much. That they have given me to him and are not letting go totally. I feel sad because my mum always fights for him when we have issues unknown to him. I am a Christian what should I do?

[@DebyCedars]

If my brother-in-law who invites himself over, makes one more snide remark about our housekeeping I think I might be tempted to say something rude to him like "Don't let the door hit you on the way out." I am disabled and not capable of being as neat and tidy as his wife. I'm really sick of it.

[@BobF510]

The insights here are profound. A book I read with similar material prompted a major shift in my thinking. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn

[@aks2432]

I was thinking of moving to a different town might that help?

[@Mrs.JessRich]

They follow.

[@kraftthisile9113]

I hate that my husband accepts his mother's money.

[@E.Cerulean]

@@byronpayne7464 Why should we not accept ? Isn't it like a gift ? How can I refuse without hurting them ?

[@E.Cerulean]

@@byronpayne7464 I understand but I still don't quite get why would someone do that, isn't it manipulative? And I'm sure not every parent who gives you gift does so to manipulate you... Because personally if I give a gift to someone, I will never impose my opinion on them JUST because I gave them gifts ?? It's THEIR life, not mine ? It sounds weird to me But I think I understand, people are complicated sometimes I guess and better safe than sorry. it gives them a reason to justify their intrusiveness because "I do so much for you". Sorry my english is not so good I am from a muslim country originally. Thank you very much for responding

[@E.Cerulean]

@@byronpayne7464 You're right. I will take precautions إِنْ شَاءَ ٱللَّٰهُ ! Thank you again for the advice it's very valuable!!!

[@MikeAnnarose]

What if they're living with YOU?

[@Leoniqua]

Your place, your rules and boundaries

[@karensmith1146]

I have a melling hateful mother in law whom had cuss me out call me but my name for the last 14 yrs until i cuss her back out but my husband always on herside til i have gotten tried n im about to walk away

[@sarahlove9830]

Thank you so much,I contact him and my in-law ran from me

[@karensmith1146]

Please dont let her move in. Your home going to be a living hell let her ass stay somewhere else

[@BjaaHobbies]

Mine has been the other way round. My husband will get angry for Days, no eating, no romance, no talking randomly, and other personality. My MIL visited and was so uptight didn't want to even use my soap that she didn't want problems. He displayed his mood swing episode while she was their i told her to please talk with her son she and her husband believe that they are third parties and will not get involved they calm to be christians i felt so crazy my parents are opposite. That visit was the worst for me. Praying for Gods wisdom because 5 years married now and the same habit is just building and that is not the way i grew up i dont even know how to adjust and di not admire such habit.he is paranoid about going to a counselor and twist every single discussion we have the way he want not the way i say it. Now he recirds conversation and still do not own up to when he falsely accuses me.

[@jessicah3782]

I’m so sorry you are going through that. I feel you in that I don’t appreciate the no help in-laws who are available for the convenience of your relationship but as soon as there is a problem involving their child then they say “oh we are 3rd party, sorry can’t help”. Unfortunately, it’s that kind of enabling attitude that allowed for bad behaviors to blossom in their children. In your situation it does seem your partner needs mental help, and you probably need some help too. You can always seek help for your own mental health needs. Much love

[@knittinggirl13]

That is confusing.

[@bikewithchris1273]

Silvia Schwarz (Sikes) Basically, he's saying to not let your in-laws boss you around and that you have set boundaries with them and they know what those boundaries are. Mutual respect.

[@kristinapiscitello5680]

No disrespect meant but what do you find confusing?

[@yaboijoel517]

I have no idea what to do. I’m not joking either. I’m engaged and my girls’ parents talk to her like she’s trash, they tried to force me to live in a house next to them as well. I feel like I have nobody and I’m in a box. I want out!

[@manichairdo6346]

Hope you got out or got help for you and your fiance to move on and away.

[@randomcatch8588]

can any one tell me what is it mean saving? he says my mom and dad... they were not saved and he said that a few times... pls tell me save from what? thx

[@MichaelaPLD]

It mean that the have accepted Jesus as their Lord and savior

[@randomcatch8588]

@@MichaelaPLD thx michaela

[@ElisabethMiller]

Beeing saved - having eternal life in& trough Jesus Christ

[@LarryP248]

This is compelling information. I read a book with like content that sparked a transformation in me. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn

[@LisaLisaCJ]

the only thing i disagree with is him getting involved with his wife and HER father. That was for her to handle.

[@missyzz9185]

If she was emotionally distressed by it then I think he was right to step in and support her. But each to their own.

[@a.humphries8678]

And if she's used to it she might not see how inappropriate it is.

[@LisaLisaCJ]

@@missyzz9185 I guess. I stepped in once with my former spouse and his family thinking I was doing him a favor and he made it clear his family his business and to mind mine lol. I was like okey dokey

[@missmarymack3457]

A husband is supposed to protect his wife period point blank. It doesn’t matter if it’s against her parents or not! It has to be broken one way or the other in a loving and respectful way of course! Boundaries are a necessity

[@LisaLisaCJ]

@@missmarymack3457 do you agree that a wife should intervene when it’s her husbands family attacking him? I did that once when I was married and my ex told me that it was none of my business because it was him and his family. He said a woman should not interject with a man and his family. I understood after he explained it.

[@perfectpeace123]

My husband never defended me a day in life.

[@n.m6249]

Same here, my boyfriend told me he can't turn against his parents

[@nellygathoni2496]

Same here my husband even supports bad talks about me

[@jammyjay917]

Yep my husband dont stand up for me... because he doesn't want to rock the boat, very unfair because they do disrespect our time... I started standing up for myself with them, but of course they don't like that and they give us the silent treatment, perhaps that is a blessing 💞🙏🙏🙏

[@deanwitt7903]

Today is the 19th September 2023 and i have finally made the decision cut my in-laws out for good this morning . Chop chop chop they are gone .

[@CandyLemon36]

This content is strikingly powerful. A similar book I perused sparked an incredible journey of self-discovery. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn

[@robinkiplagat766]

is it nice yr wife's sister comes every time to yr house

[@CrystalLover-m2f]

im in a reversed, stuck with my evil mother in law. Im at the point of leaving since he still wants to be a little boy.

[@Mustang3813]

I don’t meet the standards of what a man is to my inlaws. No amount of success can change their minds I don’t qualify so now our daughters suffer they don’t like my kids

[@boomboomboom9297]

My wife’s sister wanted to live in my home because she wanted to have an abortion and didn’t want her boyfriend to find out. I told her to f off.

[@fullheart5463]

Interesting that all comments are from the children in laws and not from the parent in laws. Isn’t it possible that there is two sides to every story.

[@Leoniqua]

Yes, there's always two sides to the story. I believe that the adult children in-laws are trying to figure out how to deal with their parent in-laws, as a result, the adult children in-laws are moreso the ones to be doing the research and watching videos like these. Most parent in-laws see little to no fault in their personalities, actions, and/or past mistakes, so usually what we hear from them is how they don't understand why the boundaries are put in place. They rarely acknowledge the possibility of them causing some type of damage to their children who eventually became married adults.

[@fullheart5463]

@@Leoniqua nice that you have all the answers.

[@Leoniqua]

@Fullheart5 My apologies if you do not like my thoughts on your original comment. All I did was offer another perspective.. of course, being from the perspective of how I personally see it through what I've noticed and observed.