Sex with a Covert Narcissist

[@MsJoanieg]

Withholding sex for the covert narc is a form of punishment and control and it sows the seeds of self-doubt in their target's mind. Damaging, yes, and cruel.

[@liesbethdevries4986]

The narcissist breaks your natural boundaries. The devaluation sneaks in.

[@businesslady9124]

They study all your strength and weaknesses just to use it against you.

[@toneman335]

Sex with a covert female Narc is that she is there physically as you can see and touch her. But, she is detached and not engaged in the moment mentality. You almost feel alone with her.

[@mreloo]

why is that? had the same experience

[@karo1564]

Thank you for this topic! It's one of the most important issues, the one that confused, disturbed and frustated me the most. There was never a connection ...it was all about him. It's very private so you can't share your experiences with hardly anybody. Thank you for your kind words!

[@debbiemirza1744]

You are so welcome Karen. I'm so glad it was helpful. Lots of love to you xx

[@ozzyoz5210]

Karen AMEN

[@patriciastreufert9636]

This is so true. Married 40 years. I wish I had known this a long time ago. This video is how my life has been. Why couldn't I have known this before now? So much pain could have been avoided in my life!

[@nahmastay7497]

Patricia Never too late to move on and learn from experience.

[@iamalady461]

My heart breaks for the time you lost but it’s not too late to break free.

[@alinekellner7592]

40 years - that's horrible. Enjoy every day of your life - be happy you finally know now. Enjoy yourself and your body. Get to know how your body feels like when you touch it and experience joy and lust. It will all come back. All the best for you!

[@suzismith9681]

Me too. What I noticed is the moment we stopped having sex , I saw him for what he really was. All the cover ups, lies, affairs, all came to the fore. And I never went looking. Ppl would phone me with things they had witnessed. Strange , how I was able to gather the truth, what was not imagined but solid truth. I had all the pieces of the puzzle at long last. No shifting sand.i was on the rock.

[@TheMsSimone]

My body started to reject my ex after a few months. Certain body parts became so sensitive he could not even touch them. Our bodies KNOW! We have to start listening. With my current love my body can’t get enough! It wants to be touched everywhere lol!!!🤗🌺💕

[@denisedevoto2834]

SIMONE same here! And I can’t get enough of touching him. Glad you found someone who cares about you and your needs.

[@ileolai]

You're absolutely right. I was finally done with my narc when I realized I was losing weight from sheer misery. I barely got out of bed towards the end and I still managed to lose 20lbs. You can't ignore stuff like that. Your body will try and take care of you even when the narc has devalued you into neglecting yourself.

[@alinekellner7592]

Not your body love, it was your soul :)

[@sandramadrigal6320]

Same here. At the beginning he couldn't even touch me down there because I would get like an allergic reaction immediately

[@BB-cr3tl]

SIMONE did not feel good anymore

[@naturopath100]

He was just going through the motions like a robot

[@reluctantlysocialkristinae4491]

Omg this explains so much!!! THANK YOU for sharing this. He's been just slowly tearing me down for 17 years and telling me there's something wrong with me this whole time.

[@luscher5093]

Sam Vaknin talks about how narcs engage in 'maintenance sex'. They will go through the motions when it serves their needs, but then use sex to 'punish' you for whatever imagined 'offence' they perceive you to have committed! 24/7 exhausting tedious BS. My covert narc husband has learnt the skills necessary to be a proficient lover (when it suits him of course), but he avoids and sabotages all other expressions of natural and spontaneous intimacy, affection, and passion. My body and my energy have known it since day one, but I fell for the love bombing routine, again. These creatures are malignant and malevolent.

[@jcandthe3]

I was married to a covert narcissist for 9 years, our sex life was amazing. He always catered to my needs before his own. But, towards the end of our marriage it got very intense. It's like the worse the fighting got, the more intense the sex got. That how he pulled me back in. It was all part of the abuse cycle.

[@hmcd1547]

jcandthe3 omg this is almost exactly my experience... we were married for almost 10 years, at first he was attentive and giving, but every now and then he would climax as soon as he knew that I was getting close, never offer to “help” me, or he would say it was my fault for turning him on, or claim embarrassment. Slowly but surely, these types of encounters became the NORM, and stayed that way for over a year!!! Looking back, it was ALL a mental mind game. He enjoyed my frustration, enjoyed seeing my self-doubt and confusion turn into complete and total insecurity. It was all about being in control and having the upper hand... towards the end of our marriage, he became intensely passionate and I agree, I believe it was a final attempt to hook me with false hope that he DID love me. We’ve been divorced for 8 months and while he’s already had multiple partners, just the thought of intimacy or even casual sex with someone else gives me so much anxiety.

[@nahmastay7497]

This was my exact story. Sex was the glue. We made lots of babies too though...we had six. Never resolved one issue. Just sexed it away. He still asks do I remember how it was after 9 months since our last time.

[@IamSunil017]

My wife was similar...Its haunting...I'm anxious now with hallucinations....

[@nilmisirli9483]

well media guides people that way. sickening!

[@nilmisirli9483]

@@nahmastay7497 forget!

[@monalisa2662]

Porn watchers... especially men addicted to porn is a deal breaker for me. Porn kills love and objectifies women and men for that matter. I have been married twice and never felt safe. Would love to know how that feels some day...

[@IamSunil017]

Dick head...Sex with love...Instead of sex with fear....I felt unsafe....But i was too strong to my narco wife...But still affect me part

[@patriciafarid]

👏👏👏👏👏

[@soinlove6889]

One of my exes was only affectionate the first few months. Talked graphically abt sex but after almost 2 yrs of nothing I broke it off. Realized he was a severe porn addict, had erectile dysfunction due to it & that's why we never had sex. He would crop my face onto screenshots of porn pics. Glad he's out of my life. He broke me down. No one understands the extent porn ruins relationships & a person's soul

[@nilmisirli9483]

well, narcs do not look for love but pussy! sorry but that is the truth.

[@Spiritualchick82]

Me too. Both of the men I last dated had that problem. They made me feel wrong for bringing it up, and like I was making a big deal of it. But it actually had a huge effect on my self esteem, made me feel less than good enough on the physical level, and like they were fantasizing about a kind of woman they would rather have. It's quite destructive to sensitive people like us, who understand the harm it causes on a deeper level. If porn were catered to women, and we were the ones to have an addiction to watching naked men in screen and it was normalized on society, men would Never accept and go for it! We put up with so many BS double standards. Makes me sick how this world works.

[@Mari08nyc]

So true regarding the lack of orgasms ever! My relationship with my Narc was short. It lasted for about 8 months. The actual physical relationship was just 6 to 7 weeks. During this time, I never had an orgasm. I sort of knew why because we never made love. He was just trying to get off and did not care about my needs. But also, he attempted to make it 'My problem", which only made things worse.

[@beetee7463]

My ex covert narc acted super sexual during the lovebombing....yet over a 2 yr period we had sex 3× lasting maybe 5 minutes in total. He withheld all affection, sex etc from me because I basically wasn't doing the porn crap he liked.

[@denisedevoto2834]

bee tee he told me that he didn’t want sex with me anymore because he was mad at me. He was always mad at me. The sex was never good anyway. Two years without sex was enough for me. I have a wonderful lover now. It is amazing.

[@ameliel8792]

Is it just me who isn't OK with porn being part of a longterm monogamous relationship?! I find I'm in the minority on this! Apart from most porn objectifying women, I just find it a betrayal. What's the difference between that and cheating?

[@truthmerchant1]

There is no difference. It is cheating. Porn is a horrible sickness in today's society and it's destroying peoples ability to have healthy relationships.

[@justice4all977]

And as you can see...No one wants to talk about it

[@faithm9284]

'Every Man's Battle' is a conference directed by New Life Ministries dealing with po*n and is focused on and for married men. Yes, po*n is an addiction. After it starts, it eventually begins to takes on a life of its own and 'it' becomes insatiable, exploring new things. I know of people who have been involved in swingers clubs, a neighbor and a friend's son. You don't hear about it until after the marriage disintegrates. Failure seems inevitable. The men are addicted to sex, and the women are only tools to the man's self gratification anyway they can get it, even if they're trading their wife in to another man to explore something 'new' with his. I think 'Every Man's Battle' should be included in marriage counseling before the wedding! If they refuse, the wedding's off. Women have more power than they realize, but they don't know how to use the word 'NO'! I've become very astute at using the word, and have found an amazing transformation in the type of men I attract, and the wonderful transformation within myself as well. Don't make him read your mind, tell him where you stand, unless he's a narcissist. Does work Wonders on the narcissist as well, since they so easily manipulate. I'm embracing my new found power with this magical, powerful little word! If It Isn't Love, don't waste your life. It's out there, best you know what it is you need first to be able to know what you're looking for in a man. It's not about you making him happy, it's about him making you happy! Find out what makes you happy, look for it in a man, and then let him! The five love languages by Gary Chapman will help. ♡ Real Love! Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

[@tgf-d3934]

Every man looks at porn.

[@IamSunil017]

I will talk...Cheating means breaking of trust....Not being true with ur partners feeling...porn is a beautiful thing...Doing it can be joy for everyone...Who learns from it to self love...Else it can be plan to betray...Depends on the beholder...

[@jerrys13]

I thought I had Erectile dysfunction, but what it really was my body was telling me that person was fooling around on me. Three affairs in 10 years until I was discarded. Thank you for this video, I’ve made the mind/ body connection.

[@anthony605]

Jerry S I had thought the same. For some reason I had trouble with her while on my back. All other positions were great. On one occasion I wanted to give it another try on my back. Her response was “no, you have problems like that and we don’t have much time.” Boy that hurt! I thought who would say something like that? I have my suspicion but no proof of cheating. I’m with a really wonderful woman now and no problems whatsoever in any position. So I agree with you. It wasn’t me. It was her. Something in your body is telling you something is not right. God bless

[@toneman335]

the covert female Narc is a chronic cheater. I know as I was married to one. She was a nurse that did her dirty cheating deeds with coworkers in the hospital where she worked.

[@mreloo]

@@anthony605 thats how my covet narsicist wife was also... would say stuff like i dont have all day lets get with it..and i had a hard time with maintaining erections...

[@alinekellner7592]

3 affairs in 10 years isn't even that much for them - maybe there's even things you don't know and don't have to know. I'm sorry you had to go through this for so long. Good luck!

[@jo-annahicks3324]

@@anthony605 ....I think the problem, with her being in the "on top" position, may have been, that your body was responding to her being dominating, especially combined with her belittling of you. So sorry you experienced that. Really glad you are now in a nourishing relationship.

[@lisahutton3754]

Thank you. I'm divorced now, after 24 year marriage. I was so relieved to hear your words. It was my life. Thank you, he had me convinced it was all me. All me... I new something wasn't right.

[@KochamWiatr]

Thank you so much for bringing up this topic! All you are saying sounds so familiar that it is almost scary. It is so extremely important, because a lot of people got badly hurt in this delicate area... I called it sex trauma that I needed and still need to heal after those years with a narcissist. It is really horrific what damage it can do to a person.

[@MarkMattox]

Thank you for your video on this topic. You are exactly right that it is only about them. What they want, how often they want it, they must be the center.

[@iamalady461]

I ruminate so much after leaving a 10 ye marriage with what appears to be a covert passive aggressive narc. I keep asking those questions regarding whether he is really manipulative, if there is some part of him that loves me and if it’s possible to reconcile. When I watch your videos, I am able to gain the clarity I need because you speak my truth. You have been through this subtle nightmare that completely drains you to the point of nonexistence if you stay in it. The sex was selfish and aweful from our wedding night. I waited until marriage for religious reasons and he immediately devalued me. Your videos are so healing. I am choosing to be celibate right now but I have orgasmic dreams because I’m away from him. So I know now that I am whole and worthy of love 😌.

[@pixie8361]

This chapter of your book just absolutely blew my mind. I hated sex with my narc husband of 31 years (now very recent ex) since we first got married. Sometimes, I would even feel nauseous during sex, so of course, I avoided sex until I felt too guilty for holding back. It was such a HUGE issue throughout our marriage. In fact, that was always the excuse given for the “silent treatment,’” and those silent treatments would last anywhere from 6 months to 14 years (no joke). My ex would claim that my denying him sex was emotional abuse, and maybe it was, even though it wasn’t my intention to harm him in any way. I didn’t understand why I was the way I was. I thought it must have something to do with my body image and eating disorder issues. I, too, had come to the conclusion that I was asexual, and to be honest, I still don’t know for certain that that’s not the case since I’ve only been divorced for, literally, a few days. When I read your book, I realized that the truth was I had never felt safe, and I always felt used somehow, because my ex would always be extra sweet to me until he got what he wanted, but then he would go right back to basically ignoring me until he wanted it again. I recognized this pattern very early on in our marriage. Looking forward, the sex issue concerns me so much that I feel like it wouldn’t be fair to someone else to get involved with them if sex might still continue to be an issue for me, so I’ve pretty much resigned myself to living the rest of my life alone. I don’t want to live the rest of my life alone (I’m only 53), but sex is something that, in my mind, I still want to avoid at all costs, so I see no other alternative right now. 😢

[@debbiewagner6248]

Toward the end he just made my skin crawl! My narc was always trying to get me to bring women into our bedroom, and he was always so grabby and inappropriate sexually!

[@michellekyle1880]

I'm grateful you brought this up because I thought I was defective in some way. I was with my ex narc for almost 11 years and never once had an orgasm with him. Sex was pleasurable at times but I couldn't have an orgasm. It was frustrating. As years went by it felt like he only cared about his needs. He made minimum effort especially with foreplay. He was literally the minute man. When he was done he'd roll over and leave me to take matters into my own hands. At the end I hated having sex with him and just wanted to get it over with. It was easier to just give in than listen to him whine about how I didn't find him attractive anymore which was him manipulating me. I can recall one particular time when I saw a look of boredom and disinterest on his face during foreplay. He made me feel like my body was defective because I couldn't have an orgasm with him. On top of all this, I found out he'd been cheating on me for years and probably since the beginning of our relationship.

[@phoenixrising8007]

Heartache Rx sounds eerily familiar. Was he cheating with someone you knew I wonder or was it various one night stands? My cerebral narc won’t even watch porn but I always suspected he might be gay or cheating.

[@k.wilberforce420]

it is a touchy subject because of the nature of sex is about disclosure to the other person. You think that in order for sex to be successful in a way that you do reach a climax, yet with the covert they do it their way no matter what you express to them about it, they still gravitate towards their own self-satisfaction... intimacy is not really on their radar so afterwards they usually fall asleep quickly. As a woman when you are disclosed in a sense you are open to conversation and intimate things they are not available to that, so you shut emotionally and little by little shut down even more as the days progress. Sometimes having sex you imagine that you are satisfied and you go to a place of fantasy to see if you can generate sexual feelings but that is short lived as it is not authentic. Eventually I just stopped having sex about 2 years before I left, (I slept on the couch) and he seems undiisturbed by this, perhaps he found a way to satisfy himself in that department, I don't know...but what you said about sex being a barometer that measuers the whole relationship is spot on...

[@unapologeticella4540]

He never makes me feel sexually appealing he treats me like a child always yelling

[@shanesem5313]

The sex was good in the beginning he made me feel he wanted me. But when he started cheating it diminished. He became skillful in bed but deprived me and would say he didn't like oral. It was like sleeping with a robot. What's worse is the women he cheated with were 50..and 57 and he was 33. I'm so ashamed that I was exposed to that

[@CharlieSammy]

For me and my soon-to-be ex wife, she would communicate a want for sex, and if i didn't give it on demand (being busy, or otherwise unable or unwilling), she would completely shut down and withhold. She literally had a three strikes rule that meant she would never again initiate sex if i said no for any reason, or even if i said "not right now, give me a few minutes." She made this shameful for me by not saying no when i asked. Our kids and schedules made it so that the only good time to ask was in bed at the end of the day. She didn't often say no, but made sure to point out how she didn't say no even if she didn't feel like it. I am fine if that doesn't happen. I am entitled to sex from no one, not even my wife, and i expressed this, but the three strikes thing prevailed. Glad that this is coming to an end. This is one of the mild forms of abuse in the relationship. Relief is currently my watchword.

[@lisafox3450]

I have been all over the forums on this topic. I just subscribed. I wont mention which channel I saw you on, but I could literally read your face. I really think you are onto something other counselors do not provide. How to trust yourself, not condemn yourself for being involved with narcissists. Cant wait to get started.

[@debbiemirza1744]

Hi Lisa! So happy you found me. You sound quite intuitive. Thanks for your comment xx

[@Raven4508]

Richard Grannon also speaks about this on his channel too. Not necessarily just covert narcs though, the more classic narcs.

[@myahhhx]

My boyfriend is addicted to porn, that's all he ever does but tries so hard to hide it from me because I told him how I felt about him watching it. He has erectile dysfunction due to the dexcessive porn use, whatever I do in the bedroom will never satisfy him. He always makes me feel shit and have all these insecurities about my own damn body! I need to grow a pair and leave this man, but he makes me feel like their is no one else out their for me.

[@brettgordon5750]

What if it's the covert narcissist withholding sex for years saying that it's You who causes him to feel unsafe and uncomfortable:(

[@faithm9284]

Brett Gordon Yes, that's what my ex did with me, he withheld the sex. In the meantime he was running around having sex with everybody else. I would get phone calls from these women all the time. With his business it wasn't that easy to decipher which was an affair and which one was business until suddenly they became very blunt about their relationship with my then-husband. I was so miserable and the more miserable I was, the happier he was. Saving Grace was when we went to a marriage counselor. The counselor said, 'It's not you, I know you think it's you, but he'll do this with every woman he's with." He's remarried now, I often think of calling victim #2 and telling her to look up covert narcissist so she can keep her sanity.

[@yall2743]

Yes!! Mine started to withold sex after 3 months. When I asked why, he said: "I discovered that I was in love with you" .. after 1 year I asked again and he said the same thing. I then said "bullshit" and he laughed. But when we did make love .. so all about him. Pushed me down on the bed, no foreplay and direct penetration and 5 sec and he came. So I figured this is his way to control me. If you start doubting your sexuality then he has more control. If he comes fast, he doesn't let you the peace of mind because you stop trying to get an orgasm knowing it will be over in 5 sec.

[@narcimmune3179]

Exact same thing just happened. Its like these people are related.....just wow man...

[@narcimmune3179]

@@faithm9284 if you have the opportunity...please warn her. 9 out of 10 though....she knows already.

[@soinlove6889]

2 guys I dated, both severe porn addicts & we had no sex. Both I realized had porn induced ED. No one understands how the withholding destroys a person. So thankful I escaped before discards

[@tkoborny]

Oh my gosh I just realized I've been seeing a covert narcissist for almost a year. He gave me the silent treatment for the first time a month ago and it lasted 2 weeks and he's been passive aggressive since then and withholding sex. I would never have suspected him as a narcissist until now. I am such an idiot for not seeing this sooner.

[@paulward4395]

So true about our body picking up their ways

[@naturopath100]

I was with him for 40 years! Sex with him was cold, like he wasn’t present, just going th

[@johngautreax9221]

My ex narcissist was probably the most physically attractive human beings I've met, with the body to match it. 3 yrs together and she cheated 3 times that I know about. Well about the last 3-4 months of our relationship, I COULD NOT get or keep an erection! I told her that I believe it's my subconscious, cause there were several times I really really wanted to make it happen, just couldn't! Well she used that "See, you're not attracted to me anymore" (Always the victim, right)! I'm not a psychiatrist, but I always had a big infatuation with learning about the human mind and different personalities. Even so, she was making me feel like I'm really lowering her self-esteem. But it didn't last long because it was my self-esteem that kept me from performing! And I knew she would never understand because she is unable to get emotionally attached to anybody!

[@sheilalapointe7828]

Thanks Debbie, I'm an older woman, who I felt was experiencing endometriosis, unfortunately I mentioned this to him. Led him into thinking I just needed to be fixed. The reality is I am no longer attracted to him.

[@fadista7063]

I am reading your book in small parts at a time--every paragraph has information that I need to meditate on and sit with...I know I will be recommending this book in a fb group I started recently for dealing with narcissists and other abusers. Thank you so much for your alchemy 🧡

[@debbiemirza1744]

You are so welcome! I am so happy the book is helping. And I love that you started a fb group! So needed. xx

[@sandramadrigal6320]

Wow. This is so on point. For 3 years I could never orgasm with my ex narc. He didn't care one bit and would say that was my problem and there was something wrong with me not him. From the beginning I told him, "you never make love to me, it is just mechanical sex to please you only". I had never experienced this before, he would not do oral always had an excuse and would say "next time we can try". He completely shut down my sexuality for these 3 years and just coming out of it I feel broken and damaged. I had never experienced this before and hope I never experience it again. And you are right about our bodies rejecting these people, when we started having sexual contact I would get allergic reactions to him just touching me and i got a weird infection after our first contact which I had never experienced before. Just recently I had to have a procedure to remove pre cancerous cells from my uterus, it just became a mess for me and to think that my sexual contact with him was always one sided and minimal, he is super good looking and keeps his body is perfect calvin Klein model shape just to be desired and he thinks women orgasm just looking at him and that I should have been grateful to be in bed with him. It was such a twisted situation. I hope I can stay no contact because he keeps trying to reel me back in saying there is something wrong with him and will die soon and needs me.

[@toneman335]

When my ex Covert Narc wife and I had sex it seemed she went through the motions on one level and on another level she was not engaged in the moment. It was a strange experience!

[@anneneem]

The ones that are light in the spectrum, you won't be able to tell. But the real vile ones, the first time you'll sleep with them you'll feel "something just doesn't feel right". You'll get that awful feeling in your gut as their dead eyes gaze into your soul.

[@sharemag4658]

Anonymous you are absolutely correct I wish I had listened to what gur was telling me as I looked puzzled into those dead eyes 👀🤦🏽‍♀️

[@pamelalawhon3536]

We were watching some KZbin re: Narcissistic Traits, he at first agreed he had some and even said to me, “well I have been a real asshole, you’ve been very patient with me. I have some things to change.” I was floored, this is my miracle, I thought. But I started noticing me affection going, the sex life came to a halt, he was clear across the king size bed where we always were tight in the middle together...So you’re right when you say the body as a big indicator of a problem here. The truth it too close to home and he shut down

[@Lisa-hc3uq]

I had no sad feelings, no self conscious feelings or doubt with my ex covert narc when it came to sleeping with him. I can say it was the most awkward and messed up experience I ever had. It was as though I was the first person he slept with. After things were over he blamed me for his lack luster performance. I knew it was him all along, he was aware that I knew that and that fueled his hammering it home to me that I was the one who was bad and acting strange. From the beginning, he thought he'd be my night in shining armour because I was newly divorced, little did he know back then til now that I realized he was a covert narc towards the end of our 4 months together. It wasnt a "relationship" per say because it was one sided..relationships are 2 sided, 2 people have to be invested..Narcs never are and never will be. So you're never in a relationship or marriage with them. It may seem as though you are but you're not. You're only toy for them to play with, use and abuse until they're bored with you..then they move on to another target and do the same to them When discarded, you're put on shelf for safe keeping and your seen by the narc as "available" like all others they've victimized and put on that shelf right next to you. That way, they have endless sources of supply and know exactly who to hoover, when to hoover and how.

[@toneman335]

I was married to a somatic covert female Narc that turned out to be a chronic impulsive cheater with coworkers at a hospital where she was a nurse.

[@JAYNEmM1962]

44 yrs with someone so manipulative, he made sure to shame me so i wouldnt talk to anyone about what he does.when i was 16 married to him about 1 1/2 yrs he started talking about other women while we had sex,asking me questions and baiting me months before saying women who start sex then stop are teases and it didnt matter if the guy was HUMILIATING THEM.asking about my best friend my MOTHER MY SISTER ,NO ONE KNEW THE TRUTH BECAUSE IM 16 and immature about it,when i tried to ask my mom she started laughing at me,i now am sure she is a narcissist too. she played the same gaslighting and lies. the two made it impossible for me to even feel normal,now 56 i realise i am very sexual it was that unsafe feeling that made me apprehensive

[@carolvevle8190]

Oh, boy, did you really clear up a difficult subject. I only responded for a short time. He was abusive & I would do anything he wanted hoping he wouldn't cheat. OMG was I ever wrong!!

[@jahmasin]

THANK YOU SO MUCH! You are spot on. I am so afraid to have a relationship because I am a narcissist magnet. The other problem I have is "narcissist paranoia" where I seem to see narc characteristics in so many people. How can I stop that? OR because I love someone I excuse narc characteristics because I want to be with that person. HELP!

[@emiko117]

My narc tried to get me into threesomes, sex videos to put online, selling my underwear etc when I refused, I was rigid, boring and didn't care about what he wanted. Now, I don't think I will ever be able to have a intimate relationship again.

[@kellygrovespursueyourbliss7287]

I read your book a week ago, all in one setting! Wow, I never put 2 and 2 together, that this too was not normal. Sex was great when they were Love Bombing, but after that stopped, I was not attracted to him, kept thinking it was me, of coarse he had comments and put downs, thinking this would work! HA, what a relief.... But realized that sex for me most of life was with this type of person.....I cried all the next day as it sank in. Also, more so about birthdays and Holidays, you nailed it! That really made me cry the next day because it was my birthday and I was thousands of miles away from him now....thank god, but just realizing why I felt the way I did was very liberating, so thank you!

[@debbiemirza1744]

You're so welcome! All in one sitting! That's amazing! I'm so glad you have been validated and liberated! Thank you for your note! xx

[@kellygrovespursueyourbliss7287]

Debbie, I couldn't put it down, most of the book was highlighted! I wanted to know it all so I could move on to healing and to help others! This book was so needed, glad you have these videos also, have shared your book and this site with others! Keep shining bright! xx

[@mariehalsey8892]

Kelly Ann Healthcare Solutions sex with my 2nd ex boyfriend the relationship in general was great for the first two years. After that...he was arrested, he had to quit drinking, he had major back surgery. Two of them one in 2008 and one in 2010. He left me out sexually. Stopped paying attention to my needs even if he wasn't able to have intercourse. He gave me reasons and excuses not to have sex. Even included God as a reason to abstain from sex. Years later he admitted that he did all of it on purpose to me but didn't intend to hurt me. Strangely there was a time when we made love and I had never and still don't orgasm the way I did with him. He knew he was sexually frustrating me. I cheated on him. Instead of sharing a happy intimacy together he pushed me away. Not a good idea because I was willing to be his forever but he refused to meet me to make it work. We've been broken up for 5 years. We are best friends we've considered getting back together but he wants me to change for him before be will change for me and I don't think he wants to. He enjoys living by himself and being alone. He has no problem encouraging me to meet and have sex with other guys. Its also hard because I love this guy so much and I'm highly certain it will never work. Its heartbreaking.

[@coreyanderson1457]

In my experience sex with a narcissist was mediocre.

[@freeforall6427]

Omg! I thought I was asexual too! All my partners I had in the past had strong selfish tendencies. I was just having empty, unfulfilling sex.

[@ghophuckurselves3562]

After a two years or so,she wouldnt kiss me or look in my eyes while i was inside her.i dumped her, she hoovered me, then DUMPED ME less than a year later. Sick stuff. Hurt pretty bad.i left her 7 months ago and 2 mo no contact.Im still having nightmares about her. Sheeeesssssh. Your final statement is 100% Bible. Thank you.

[@epiphany7189]

My ex would insist on acts I had told him I didn't want to do, try to convince me to engage threesomes, and wanted me to always wear sexy lingerie. He wanted me to look and act like a porn star every time (he was obsessed with porn). Eventually i kearned he was cheating on me. I found out when i got sick and discovered i had a STD). I don't even want to have sex anymore. I feel asexual.

[@nuria3736]

I went to "couple counseling" with my ex covert narcissist. All I got was confessing at last all that I would have liked to have with him in bed... just to discover afterwards that ALL THAT was exactly what he STOPPED doing from then on. How can a beloved husband be so malignant?

[@faithm9284]

They are misogynist, their plan is to destroy you. Stop walking out in traffic expecting not to be hit. You are his target but it's not for love, it's for that deep down seeded hatred, anger, and you can do nothing about it. He's toxic! Stop drinking the poison!

[@IamSunil017]

A man stopped sex...Are u sure u are not the narcissist...Who didn't give him enough....And is asking now...Narcissist water down intensely to get u back...hmm

[@jo-annahicks3324]

1. Learn all you can about Narcissists (Debbie's book is excellent...I ordered it in from America, I live in Australia, & have limited funds...but..... it was one of the best investments I ever made!) 2. NEVER go to counselling with them...they will play the Martyr, or Victim, all the while "data mining" for your desires, strengths and vulnerabilities...then when you get back home, punish you, with all that gleaned information! 3. If you've already gone to counselling with them...refer to No.1. 4. Make it a priority to either set the strongest boundaries, or get the hell out of the relationship...preferably, the latter. 5. Learn how to take care of yourself 6. Find a loving supportive community, even just on-line 7. Know you ARE worthy of love...this experience is NOT love. 8. Be kind to yourself...things WILL get better.

[@laquicha8159]

Nuria I had the same experience. Every time partner discovers I care about or want anything, that becomes the thing most withheld. It’s time for me to move on from this person.

[@misottovoce]

My husband of 3 years now (we are both widowed, I'm 67) love bombed me in the beginning too. Sex was wonderful. I thought this is the first time I feel I can relax and not be the 'performer'. He was so gentle and attentive...telling me I 'deserved' it. I felt like for the second time in my life that someone I loved was making love to me...I felt transported. We married after 2 years courtship and I can tell you that the honeymoon was not over yet and I knew I made a very big mistake. His mask really slipped a few times and I could not wait to get back home after 2 weeks of highs and lows...mostly lows. For the first time I witnessed those famous temper tantrum rages. It numbed me. Took me nearly a year of confusion and depression to figure out that he is a covert narc. For me, separate bedrooms really helped. Got tired of him coming up at 2am and 'expecting' my attention...or in the morning (hate morning sex). Television until all hours was always more important and any intimacy was on his terms I was always low on the priority list. In the meantime, I have learned so much. He is probably a 6 or 7 on the spectrum of 10. Most importantly, he can no longer emotionally hurt me anymore as I have emotionally distanced myself from him. And I know this unsettles him. I purchased your book last night and am really absorbing it. Thank you for writing it!

[@orlagrace241]

My covert narc was all about pleasing me!! Towards the end before the discard, he stopped initiating it

[@Bar_Bar27]

But what if you have a very high sex drive and addiction to having sex with them because they withhold so much and manipulate you through sex so you become addicted to them sexually, craving their touch. I would love to hear you talk about the female covert narc and sex

[@terrielvwl]

After listening to so many videos about his topic and thinking of my past loves I am definitely a narc magnet. 3 Somatics that I did not marry and two coverts that I did. It's time for some serious changes.

[@luceyluv5847]

this video is right on time to help me with my healing process

[@anniewarbucks9697]

I'm punished for not "finishing". "Safe. Relaxed. Free." Those I am not. I struggled even before the Narc. Now I'm just punished.

[@unknownjoker7826]

It felt very off. In a sense very Intense, yet she felt robotic

[@LR-yu3mx]

I hared it becsuse he would not take no for an answer. 36 years of it. Then he passed away. No sex for me ever again thanks

[@mreloo]

painful sex life with covert narsicist...they do make u feel less than...i just want to weep when i think of some of the things she would say and do to me when it came to sex...thank God i dated a neat woman just before my 40 years with my covert narsicist wife ...we were both 21 when we met ....i was 20 when i met this a bit older woman may be 34...well the sex was just wonderful... trully the first time i understood how to have sex ...my covert narsicist wife love bomb me and that was nice at the start but i was made to feel less than and she would would never come to me for sex....just to hurt me.. why i stayed so long ? unworthiness trauma from childhood... working on an exit plan...I pray God can heal my smashed heart and soul...and my body which has been ravaged by autoimmune disease bone disease chronic pain...and much more

[@CECICEO-cz9ho]

I wish Shanann had received this information BEFORE marrying Chris Watts: a real tragedy would have been averted.

[@maddart4445]

Completely

[@smshaikh59]

Who is Chris watts?

[@ckobesko]

Run!! I truly believe the concept of evil built around these empty manipulators

[@lifegratitude7264]

Wow... I don't have words. This was an enlightening video. Thank you.

[@debbiemirza1744]

I'm so glad Debbi! xx

[@davidolsen6514]

My narc after months and months said she was having “female” issues and decided that she was allergic to me and what were we going to do! Seriously! And think how that makes a man feel. She also asked me to get a vasectomy and then the discard happened 2 weeks later. Messed my mind up I still deal with it 2 years later.

[@lauracardona5632]

Yes!! My wife and I would only do it the way she liked and only when she wants and no foreplay and every time I tried to talk to her about that and I got nothing in return. I never felt like I wasn't good enough it was I just didn't get attention in return. It felt like a chore eventually because I did it for her. Never in my life have I had that experience. she wasn't very sexually active to begin with however we had more sex in the beginning like all the time and during our marriage we would have it once every few months it got to a point it had been so long I didn't care to have it because I wasn't going to get anything out of it.

[@stevegreene7416]

Same here

[@callmeC2theP]

This sucks, 😣 on the outside looks so beautiful but in return all u get is eye candy that love bombs you in the beginning and tortures you mentally spiritually physically..

[@ghandiman]

Laura Cardona I’m in this boat 💔

[@phoenixrising8007]

Ya it’s a turn off alright

[@beetee7463]

My self esteem is zero

[@debbiemirza1744]

I'm so sorry bee tee. And that is so common. Please know you are not alone and you deserve to be loved and cherished xx

[@denisedevoto2834]

bee tee same here.

[@beautyforashestv5959]

My self esteem and confidence was through the roof then my narcissist started with my hair (it looks good but it sheds). Then he refused to pick me up ( walked across the street and manipulated me to walk back) Then the cellphone ( always texting and on the internet while im there). Little by little chipping away at my self esteem until i felt about myself (that i was not good enough)..... It's really how they feel and project it on to you. The sooner you go no contact and take ❤ care of yourself the better you feel.... give it time

[@kalicosmetics]

at first, it was great. and then it was withheld, and it never got better.

[@kalicosmetics]

in fact, it got boring.. and I was like whatever.. lol.

[@G2thesecondpower]

Well I go one step further than no O's, I started to just dread having sex with him. I didn't want to. The abuse was a bit more overt in the beginning (I know that classic idea is that abuse gets worse over time.but the really serious silent treatments, guilt trips and gaslighting I got maybe getting started to subside when I stopped buying into it. However in hindsight, while those types of incidents got further and fewer between other things remained. I started recognizing over the last few years that I've just chronically invalidated all the time).but my body knew something was wrong before my mind did that is for sure. I avoided him at night time like the plague. I started wondering if something is really wrong with me, because my partner is a tall beefcake handsome kind of a guy, but after one too many silent treatments and guilt trips my body just shut right down. Of course, I got guilt-tripped for that too...

[@butterfly1124]

Gillian G same here. All the Jekyll Hyde antics get old after awhile. It creeps me out to have sex with him. I thought it was me that has a low sex drive or something but it's not. Felt like I was sleeping with my brother every time. It feels gross! I guess it's my body rejecting the evil. Your situation is very similar to mine. I wish you well. 19 years and counting for me :-(

[@phoenixrising8007]

Gillian G I hear you except my guy had a huge gut and was terrible in bed, he complained of back problems and knee problems and being in constant pain which I don’t doubt but he never complained in the first year we dated so it’s a perfectly plausible cover. Women complain of headaches after all but who knew men withheld sex, new to me!

[@alexadellastella5247]

Such valuable information! thank you, I had never seen itthis way.... it makes me feel more at peace ith my body

[@davidmuse4065]

More like never good enough doing majority of household chores never enough money even with a good job! I didn’t have a problem in the bedroom but never good enough! Vacations cars dinners recognizing birthdays anniversaries Christmas! Always had to have the “exact” present or would pout, no surprises, didn’t even like the 12 days of Christmas when I first started my career, not the actual presents in the song, other things I thought she’d like! You so hit it on your videos! You know I’m not hard to please but reciprocal actions goes a long way! What’s wrong these people like this? It’s like I’ve wasted my life on someone who’s never cared or gave a damn!

[@rachelbrad6436]

The funny thing is i figured his lies out and its been only a half a year now lol he can't pull anymore minupulative tactics any more i am disarming him 😂 love to see him TRY to pull anymore lies on me and the thing is a narcissist will never love anybody they can't they are dead inside.

[@hugmc]

Learned so much watching videos on this topic. These narcissist animals are everywhere in so many different forms, but still confused trying to spot them😱but I have tried dating little contact for months and I noticed I can pick up the red flags better, but still not a expert needless to say I am still single. I suppose better safe than sorry, but sad at the same time. 😌😌😌

[@lincolnparam]

I went through with it! she looked like a robbery, without feeling. she asked me what she should do to feel pleasure? then she said `and by the mind. and after 7 years, she said that always felt abused.

[@genxmum5569]

This was my husband exactly! He was also a sadist.

[@tracyel240]

I so needed to hear this!

[@Moonbunny55]

I would become nauseous! 🤮. Robotic, mechanical, all about his pleasure. 3min rabbit 🐰. Felt violating. Over twenty years of...........what ever that was. Encounter? 😆

[@bobbelman4097]

I'm a red-blooded American man .... full of testosterone. I ran across this video and I thought it was going to be something like a feminist deal... To my surprise the last part about women's orgasms really hit home. she's very good thank you for the video. ..

[@beautyforashestv5959]

I was the supply along with a bottle of alcohol.... But it was all giving on my part and no recieving until the end. A fulltime job, it was, i should have punched in and punched out.....on a time ⏰..... Sad part is the narcisstic rage i had to deal with afterwards..... Bliss and then rage and anger.... crazy....please explain

[@tpriestess]

Would you be willing to share the exercise? I am interested to do it, if it resonates.

[@cat-t313e.l.e6]

😟 This hit home hard!

[@holographicc6974]

They love to violate you and your boundaries bc that’s how they get their Loosh

[@daveware4117]

Lately ive been doing a lot of reaserch on the topic of narcissism. It seems like most of these people are men from what I can tell, but everything that im uncovering is what my ex wife has done to me. That includes the stuff in this video. What would you say is the percentages of male to femail narsisists. Thanks for the video.

[@debbiemirza1744]

This isn't solid data, as in no formal study has been done that I am aware of, but from my research I've gotten the sense that it is maybe around 30% women and 70% men. I've actually been surprised how many people I have talked to who have experienced women narcissists. I think they tend to be more covert and the number seems to be growing, in my experience.

[@Ryan.j.Smithson]

More like 50 50 by now. Really seams like it will be 70% women in Th e future especially with infidelity happening with more women at 70 30 these days

[@ntuchumelvis7157]

Narcissist is not limited to a particular gender.male or female could still be narks

[@Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrw]

Don't let these females manipulate you. NARCCISM IS FEMALE BIOLOGY. Men are more likely to be sociopaths.

[@mreloo]

wounding in childhood .how narsicist/Jezebels come to b...and or over praised/loved for what they can do or look like.. instead of just because there a loving child... could b male or female....my wife is a covert narsicist/Jezebel and it took me 40 years of torture to get it ..9 months awake...just unbelievable..if u survive that long and not die..your physical body will definitely b half destroyed...i know why it took so for me...childhood trauma of unworthiness... this abuse was familiar..spell is broken ..praying for healing and a exit plan...also financially emotionally and spiritually destroyed

[@altinomaia1]

"Sex with a narcissist...doesn't feel that making love" that's true! My ex wife first month was great.... after that.... shit... shit Man can also fake orgasms.... feel so sad

[@newbeginnings1018]

Wonderful video, in the love bombing sex was amazing then it slowed down and became all about him. The ex narc for the last 3 years started jokingly saying let’s have sex to night then it went to I won’t sex tonight to the last year we are having sex tonight. It felt so robotic and as if there was no connection or warmth from him. The week before the discard he told me that sex just felt so fake with me and robotic... I now know that he was projecting him self on to me to make me feel like it was my fault...

[@rachelbrad6436]

Omg he wanted me to shave my whole crotch wtf hell no i will trim i won't shave my whole crotch😠.

[@jamnoise72]

Love you Debbie. Thank you for this ❤

[@avtempchi1232]

Me and my N were having sex up to a few times a day and now a year later we dont even kiss. It makes me nauseous for him to even touch me. And honestly it doesn't even affect him that we aren't physical. I truly believe that he'd much rather get himself on than to have to force intimacy with me. Its sickening i cant wait to leave.

[@kallejahrollins4668]

Karah Jackson leave him honey

[@growingandlearning164]

You nailed my relationship /marraige to a covert Narc male, .so many gaslighting behaviours around sex.(13yrs) relationbship If you want another story to add to your research feel free to contact me.In a healthy relationship now though.

[@yahwehsanon853]

Mine has a sex addiction. He wouldn't take no for an answer

[@sgildeasg]

Wow! Word of caution, after a covert n. You can become prime target for a somatic n. I went from the frying pan into the 🔥

[@nahmastay7497]

Super no freaking way. After a surviving a covert cerebral, mine was the worst with justifying his duplicity and deceit and I’m not very gullible, just way too forgiving.

[@Crisjason156]

Hello Debbie, will you produce an audiobook of your book? it's great to here things.

[@debbiemirza1744]

I will someday, but no plans for that right now. Thanks for asking. xx

[@TheShanty50]

Been together 37 years and 4 months when I realized, as I have known of the Patho Liar and Serial Sex, the first 21 years of our marriage. Both soldiers, she retired in 02, moved, The Smorgashboard of 1000s of soldiers were no longer and she is not a bar hopper tracker I guess. Lots of sex, I guess I am filling in for many now, still, when she is done, I better hurry, she gives little effort. 4 months ago put Covert to it. Glad it was never me, wish i had that 37 years of feeling inadequacy torturing myself back. Why did I stay, Daughter came in 8 months. She would have grown up seeing a myriad of men, maybe abuse and I gave up any life for them Feared promiscuity. Every day was not bad, my wife as a really great faker of caring. She did a job on the two boys. one is untreated Narc-socio and one just stays home mostly, has not dated since dropping out of college 7 years ago. All have own homes for years. I raised our daughter mostly even was the one to teach her about her cycle. I could see without even knowing NARC STUFF, my wife was very jealous of my attention to her over her. College Grad, two kids, Hubby and very successful. They did many things together, I was just diligent during the wife's Sex days. P. S. I told my wife what she was, should have listened to advice. I cannot stay, no love, cannot get it up now without Cialis, guess I need to feel and i do not. Can anyone tell me, Turned 60 Monday, not great health, do I turn right or left when i get to to the end of the street? I know nothing else since I was 23.

[@generationfunk]

you make a very good point about the safety shut down of the body during sex. but during the whole video i felt you were referring to men as the only narcissist because the victims you mentioned were all female. I hope this is not your message

[@ozzyoz5210]

Your understanding of the subject puts paid to the abuse in my life, that always is denied from my husband, Wow! My husband sleeps in another bedroom for the last 3 years now, his mother told him to, as a result, he doesn't touch me. Now I am not physically able to and he scolds me bc I can't due to my broken tailbone. What is the meaning of this?

[@debbiemirza1744]

This sounds horrific Sirley. You don't deserve to be scolded or punished or have love withheld from you. I am so sorry. You deserve love, kindness, and respect xx

[@vfree4579]

Sirley Ray the longer you stay the worse you get. I had a co-worker tell me that it would be unhealthy for you and him if you stay you only will become more emotionally& physically sick.

[@Raven4508]

My covert narc who I was married to for 21 years, together altogether for 26 years used to often say to me... Why don't you go off and have an affair? Then you can come back to me and you might be more exciting? I have begun to wonder if this was transference, and he was the one who was really having the affair? I will never know, but he had every opportunity - he was a food sales rep who used to go to areas in his company car, with a company phone.... He got really touchy at one point, late one night he was on his computer and he got really nasty with me when I happened to glance at his computer screen and there was row upon row of six figured numbers, he said they were his passwords, and he got rid of the screen. I don't think it takes a detective to work that one out...

[@Raven4508]

Mine used always say that he would always be ready for sex - with an erection every time... Such a high sexual opinion of himself... He didn't though as he got older, and was diagnosed as a diabetic at one point , and I guess that this was part of his illness.. I never mentioned this, as I didn't want to upset him...

[@toja6960]

Much ❤❤❤ thank you

[@lemonlemon2770]

What sex, my ex was only into por n and I did not know

[@marniepowell948]

Thank you!

[@kennybranshaw7526]

I thought I had developed ED. I just felt/feel like something is not right. Turn off.