The Third Stage With a Covert Narcissist: The Discard

Debbie explains what the discard phase looks like with a covert narcissist.
Here is the link to Debbie's Book on Covert Narcissism: www.amazon.com/Covert-Passive...

[@msmiller8073]

The betrayal (the discard) was my blessing

[@sherrylewin1540]

Mine too! 😃👍

[@mrsolar3721]

The support group you said "neda" is that correct if so do you know of any in northern California thanks

[@Suzu52]

Once you realize you have been married for decades to a covert, looking back it all makes sense....and you can't help but feel your life could have been SO different if you knew about this then... ..so many painful, wasted, soul crushing years.......

[@Antoine2208]

The problem with covert narcissistic abuse is that it is so emotional : People involved with sexual, verbal and physical violence can potentially bring facts to back them up and validate their experience, make sense of what happened to them. Any violence on an emotional level is notoriously difficult to describe, but destroy people's life just as much as any abuse. It can't be seen, no court will condamn it, most people will even doubt it's very existence and the person will likely be left alone knowing that she has been viciously attacked without options to denounce or talk about it.

[@nessam.l.4554]

Yes, it is so unfair

[@ShortedWave]

Emotional abuse is also as painful as physical abuse. I realise that sounds like a radical thing to say, but emotional abuse actually lights up the same parts of the brain that light up when we are physically abused. It's experienced as pain. For the longest time, I was asking myself if or how I could be experiencing trauma bonding with my former best friend. It seemed a bit of a stretch until I read about the impact of covert narcissistic emotional abuse. Ignoring someone through the silent treatment, withdrawal, dismissiveness, neglect, discard, combined with periods of calm and intermitent reinforcement ... this has a similar impact upon the brain as physical abuse followed by soothing, so it makes total sense that we would experience this psychologically in a similar way. Emotional abuse and the trauma bonding in the aftermath of such abuse absolutely can be just as painful as physical abuse from a psychological perspective.

[@LimitlessThinker]

A narcissist spouse can be an angel for years - or so I thought. Wow they are sneaky. You are right on the money!

[@shastadolan2427]

Very true!!! It happened to me. After many years he showed his real colors, it was painful, but now I can care less.

[@imunchienandalusia]

My experience was, she was very superficial and loving, but when things got difficult, i saw that real person. And i remember asking "What you are doing right now is cruel, who are you???" Your videos don't make the pain go away, but they do make it easier to shut the door. And stay in the angry phase, rather than starting to second guess my decision to cease contact.

[@beetee7463]

Once I realized my ex was a narcissist that i wasn't imaging things, I planned my escape before he discarded me. After my 3rd attempt, I'M GONE, NO CONTACT

[@panthera50]

Congrats !! ♥

[@ExecutiveProtection51]

Same with me. I'm thankful that I was able to escape before the plot and plan to discard me was executed by the narc!!

[@marinaperic853]

Me too👌☝️💪🥂

[@addapavan5200]

I started googling about liars, then came across pathological liars then came across narcissist & only then i understood who I am dealing with for 23 years.

[@nathanhatton000]

When you said "Who is the person? I don't even recognize you? And that it's an incredibly painful and confusing experience you nailed it! My relationship suddenly ended when she ran into the arms of someone else and I thought we were just going through a rough patch. I didn't see what was coming (the discard) and it floored me!! It took me a year to get her out of my system and soul and today I look back and can only think, "Holy f*cking sh*t was that awful". Things are peaceful today; gonna keep it that way. You're very accurate Debbie, bravo!

[@jamesjosephwaskiel1841]

I awakened I felt discarded abruptly I Googled what could this mean I stumbled upon the word.... It was not possible to pretend I was asleep again Thank you for helping me

[@hmcd1547]

You literally just described the last 9 years of my life. You are 100% ON POINT...as painful as it’s been, I am beyond grateful that I am now on the other side of his craziness. Thank you for validating what so many of us can’t explain!!!!

[@vampireslayer1989]

My Covert Narcissist alluded to the fact that she was "going" to discard me, so I saw it coming and dumped her during the devaluation phase. So the question is: Who dumped who after four years?She was already seeing someone new. The "poetic justice" (if there is such a thing) was that she ran straight into the arms of her new lover who dumped her 7 months later. She is actually BPD (with covert NPD being a dominant trait), so she freaked.........two high quality guys lost in under a year.

[@toneman335]

They can't be trusted and will betray you by cheating without any guilt, shame, or remorse. Frequently, they will cheat many times with people like coworkers or other people that they come in contact with on a regular basis.

[@jondough679]

Not so much the coverts - the somatic overts on the other hand if they are out of sight they are likley cheating or arranging to cheat.

[@Axess-sv8nq]

Oh, the coverts nearly ALL cheat, @Jon Dough. It's rare if one doesn't! They cheat a lot - they're just better at hiding it.

[@janishart5128]

*Debbie Mirza:* This is EXACTLY what happened to me, in November 2017, after 23 years of marriage! There was no hint that anything was wrong, no discussion, no suggestion of marriage counselling - no warning of ANY KIND!! And like you said, all of a sudden he started saying cruel things to me (i.e. When I reminded him that in 2016 I had to deal with breast cancer surgery, then in 2017 I had to deal with him leaving me, and all he had to say was "Well, at least I stayed with you!"; and when I asked him didn't he enjoy all the long drives we used to go on, he said "Well, I like to drive." - like it meant NOTHING to him and that he DIDN'T enjoy our time together!!). The night he left, we were babysitting our 5-year old grandson at my daughter's place, he had a pair of idiots he knows (it was 'none of my business' who they were!) go into our house and move all his stuff out!! When we got home, he helped me up the front steps (I have mobility problems due to osteo-arthritis), even hung up my coat - and then he rushed back out the door, mumbling something like "I'm gone!". He left a nasty, lie-filled note on top of my laptop, outlining all my faults, which he said is "just the tip of the iceberg" concerning my faults, yet he never ONCE discussed ANYTHING with me! In fact, besides our kissing each other multiple times a day, and calling each other "Dear", he would tell me I was "gorgeous" and "perfect"! I thought we were best friends, but I couldn't have been more wrong!! It doesn't even bother him in the LEAST that he won't be able to see our grandson anymore!! After the cowardly stunt he pulled on me, my daughter doesn't want him anywhere near her son - and I can't blame her!! I wish I could have discerned what he is, 23 years ago, so I could have avoided the devastating heartbreak he has put me through!! He even said that his doctors told him 6 YEARS AGO, to leave me!! I told that to MY two doctors, and they said that's an outright LIE, and that NO doctor would say that to a patient, or they could lose their licences!! As I think back over the years, there is SO much he said to me that didn't make sense, but I just let it go, because I didn't know why he would lie to me - I've never lied to him, because that's just not who I am. He was a friend to my late husband and their family and spent quite a bit of time at their place in his teen years, so I guess that's why I told myself he must be a good person, and that I must just be imagining things or being paranoid. I also believed the story he told me about why he left his ex-wife (with 2 children!) after 19 years, and of course he made HER out to be the monster and himself the victim! Knowing what I know now, I suspect NONE of what he told me was true!! I'm still having problems coming to terms with the sad and frightening fact that these people exist and that it took me so long to see what he is!!

[@catherineolson4038]

I followed you on Google+. Sounds like our situation is eerily the same...

[@titaniumtiara4573]

Ditto. 21 years. He was my hero, my best friend, we laughed a lot. Apparently he couldn't stand me. I had no idea....

[@leslietiwari8625]

My sister is a covert narc. I went no contact. It doesn't seem to affect her at all. All the years of our interaction just all for nothing. I feel happier without the abuse. I now have space in my life for healthy caring people.

[@DocFJB]

Every time I listen to a video about covert narcissism... my mind is blown!!! It’s insane how text book they are!!!

[@pauladsilva9374]

He usually broke up with me over the phone or text.... the other times were in person...pushing me and running away... he did it 9 times.... I was spinning out of control for 3 years... the last year with him was torture...I stayed for breadcrumbs..... I knew what was happening...I had found out about NPD.... he did it 3 more tines... I predicted the last one and I watched him fuck around with me in slow motions... very cruel... I wanted to leave so many times and I couldn't do it... I waited for him to discard me... I wish I did... I would have saved myself some dignity 😢😢😢 And sanity... .

[@debbiemirza1744]

They are SO cruel. I am so sorry and so glad you aren't with him anymore. xx

[@93Jubilee]

Seven years into a relationship, my husband told me that I would "ruin our marriage if you don't let Pam move in with us." I'd just learned about his affair that night. My god. Then he proceeded to develop his career as a sociology professor by writing books about narcissism! It helped his career. Oh! And I'd helped him with his dissertation on personality disorders. So ironic!

[@tomdarco2223]

She discarded me just before Christmas and she went to jail

[@mariepresho706]

How I found out about NPD is when I left him after 26 years. I was 55 and he was 54. Silly me thought we could just sell the home, split all assets, and go our separate ways. Children were raised and I thought this was going to be a easy split..lol..nope our daughters and I went into a 1 1/2 year nightmare. This was in the Summer of 2015 and I agree you do get past it. You just have to hang in there and listen to people like you and read, read, read on this disorder. I won in Court because of researching them and made sure I was overly prepared every time. They can be easy to trip up as they think no one is smarter and wiser than them. That was my EX husband downfall he under estimated me because in his head from calling me stupid for years he really thought I was. We tripped him up with all his lies that the Judge saw through his bullshit and awarded me the home and a car. Very disturbing people.

[@debbiemirza1744]

Marie, I'm so impressed you won in court. Well done being so prepared! That is a huge feat. They are very difficult in court because they are such charmers. I'm so happy for you that you got the home and car! And you are so right, very disturbing people. I'm so happy you're free. And you sound super smart! Well done! xx

[@SuperBlondieblonde]

Marie Presho- Thank you for your Comment here. I have a similar situation, I am 55- he is now 60. We were together for 5 years - no children together, got a puppy though, whom I have not seen since my discard at 8 months old. Just long enough for me to be the puppy parent through the training & all night wake up to take my girl outside. I did kind of notice the devalue changes- but things would get good again for a little while. I was discarded in December 28, 2016- 2 years ago. We purchased a home together and I'm going through one hell of a nightmare to get this property divided. He says he wants to buy me out- get my name off the deed but NEVER does he make an Offer to my attorney to do so. Its been an awful most horrible event in my life. My divorce wasn't even like this.

[@lisahutton3754]

Marie Presho YAY for you. Our stories are similar. Mine said let's not get lawyers and do this divorce ourselves. I tried, thinking will be okay.. then the manipulation began... It was horrible, he used my grown daughters against me. Until they saw the light, I thought I would crumble into a thousand pieces. Then, like you I started thinking, are you going to let him do this to you?? He was sooo mad when I got a lawyer to fight him. I too got the house, it was a battle.. he really didn't think I would fight back..

[@truditrudi753]

@Ward Shrake I'm so very sorry that you endured this type of confusional chaos. When we think and deliberate on what they are, what they project etc That confusion is actually our saviour in that we know something inside of our very being that something isn't right. This is when we need to leave when all that love, bonding, care and kindness has been given even when we think we have received it, we know deep down these behaviours are not formed in real love but in trauma bonding. I hope you find your own path and live in the present as the past and the future is unclear. Being present alleviates fear, nervousness and isolation within ourselves. It is not easy to do but is achievable. If you have time, please listen to Eckhart Tolle on relationships. I wish you well.

[@truditrudi753]

Just to say it is refreshing to read that these people were stood up to in court. All too often we see the other who has been on the receiving end back down because they have been systematically mentally abused and think they aren't strong enough to stand up to these people and their behaviours. These types all too often believe they are smarter, more clever, more intelligent, more resourceful, logical, tactical and above all, better than we are. No they are not. They are full of fear, insecurity, self loathing and in constant need of supply, that's why they are co dependants. When we know something is 'off' we have no alternative but to leave as painful as that is it's for our own sanity and a future void of toxic trauma.

[@stevegreene7416]

When the discard happened I told her she was a narcissist and very selfish. She said she had been called a lot of things, but those two things weren't any of them. She said it is self preservation. I said it looks exactly the same to me. That prompted me to start rsearching, turns out I was right. You are right Debbie, it pulled the rug right out from under me.

[@patriciastreufert9636]

After 40 years of marriage this is my story. So confusing to experience.

[@ajitkumardas7561]

OMG, 28 years I am with my narcissistic wife, witch sucking blood energy and money kleptomaniac selfish heartless criminals and cunning deceitful manipulating personality

[@lakelady7793]

I can relate. 22 yrs and he abandoned me for his AP and was so incredibly harsh.

[@doughewitt9424]

Fantastic video. Is there a word beyond devastating? Thank God someone mentioned the word 'narcissist' to me .........the whole episode changed my thinking forever.

[@daringgreatly8473]

My in laws ruined my birthday one year and then turned it around and blame hubby and me. It's been six years and they still smear us behind our backs to others over it. Now my BIL is getting married a day before our wedding day! I know this was on purpose either by his borderline girl friend or my covert MIL who have teamed up. It's just frustrating to deal with these ppl! It's lonely because these narcs attract each other and breed each other and some families are filled with them so there is no where to turn.

[@passionatagreen]

Thank you so much for your help. My discard was over a period of two years while the narco planned his exit by isolating me, starting arguments in order to disappear and texting me that I had assaulted him projecting about himself as he assaulted me, moving his stuff out slowly, buying a new bizarre custom made purple tie wardrobe, new coloured shoes, new glass frames, new computers, new iwatch, rebuilt entire body of his car, walking late at night around the block so he could jump in the car and disappear for days. I was so ill over the two years that it was all a blur until he had a temper tantrum in the newly built car and permanently left after calling my daughter telling her I was insane he would drive me to the police station or the psychiatric institute. The big church fraud slandered me while I was healing and away in Europe telling everyone I was crazy. Looking back I see this narco as a dangerous entity as without the mask there is nothing there. He told me I was not his family. 200 days still trying to heal as a nasty Hoover was tried a few times. Take note the narc loved to collect expensive vacuum cleaners I couldn’t touch.

[@randyskolrud7920]

Your description of what happens with the "discard" is so spot on to what is happening with me. The confusion leading up to it and everything. 29 years married and then...POOF! Gone But it actually is a little comforting knowing that you can describe it so succinctly, even though it REALLY hurts. THX

[@greeneyedgirlarteno6063]

my sister is a narcissist. She stopped talking to me because 'she has to protect herself from me' lol.. I am grieving but she is not giving me a choice. She just became cruel and it was finally revealed to me that she is a covert narcissist.

[@catherineolson4038]

I'm starting to wonder about my daughter (she came out transgender 2 years ago... I got one email, with one pic, in which she told me she was transgender, and, that she was cutting me out of her life, because, she and her brother had had a horrible childhood, bordering on abusive. They didn't... somehow, in her view, that happened, but, dad (who I'm realizing is a covert narcissist), was no part of it... But, she's cut him out, because, first visit after she came out, he kept using male pronouns, and, calling her by her dead name... I'm glad both kids and I no longer have him in our lives. I'll always mourn for my daughter, but, I'll always love her. But, now I'm concerned for my son... before he lived with her for a few years, he didn't feel that way, then, after he moved in with her, to finish school, suddenly, he's telling me he agrees with her... now that he's not living with her, and, she has a non binary, annoying (his words), SO, he's back to, they had a decent childhood... He's empathetic, caring, with a good heart, like myself... I don't want him to be hurt by her... he told me they're already saying he was using her, living there, so he could go to school. She WANTED him to do that! And, during it, actually, before, he knew about her being TG, kept her secret, was always there for her. I told him, he absolutely supported his sister, and they're being assholes.

[@emilyd5347]

In retrospect the signs were definitely there at my wedding, but my mother decided to wait and watch me endure numerous invasive proceedures & 3rounds of IVF before finally implementing her discard phase at the birth of my son. That clearly wasn't enough for her though so she finished the job by taking full advantage of the fact that I was immersed in coping with a newborn & turned my father & some siblings against me through lies and manipulation behind my back. I'm just reading your book and I can't tell you how comforting and more importantly, empowering it is to have my mother's vicious character laid out bare. To know that it isn't me, it is definitely her, puts the fire back into my belly & resolve to NEVER let her do that to me again THANK YOU x

[@maryholton162]

You totally described my situation with a friend, except there was no abuse. I was totally blindsided with devalue, discard and smearing. I can now look back and see subtle signs of narcissism. Your book really helped me. She lied and hurt my reputation in a group that meant a lot to me. I lost several other relationships because of her.

[@debbiemirza1744]

I'm so happy my book helped, Mary. Thank you so much for sharing. Sending you lots of love xx

[@catherineolson4038]

It was abuse...

[@DerSpielMann]

Not all narcs are created equally. My discard: she went "no contact" and told everyone I was a narcissist...

[@davidmuse4065]

Your description fits my ex wife to a tee! Very odd and strange behavior after 25 years of marriage! So surreal! It’s been a little 2 years before I figured it out, just a total user clear until she was gone. Thanks for your videos!

[@garimaheath]

Exactly. That was it EXACTLY.

[@laurab7221]

After 10 years my devalue and discard phases took over a year combined. Sheer hell. Now to build myself from the ground up.. thanks for explaining things so well Debbie. x

[@jo-annahicks3324]

I had hardly any money, at the time, but after seeing a you tube video interview you did, on covert narcissism, I saved up, and asked the bookstore, to import your "The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist" book, which they did. I said that it was a really worthwhile book, and I'm sure some of their other customers, would be interested. I haven't read all of it yet, but it has been such an eyeopening, and validating resource tool for me, that, I just wanted to thank you SO MUCH, for writing and publishing this book. I think it is AWESOME. Love Jo (aka Contessa).....all the way from Australia xo

[@colleenminer9406]

Boom! Exactly what I experienced with my ex. Still wrapping my head around it. Support group would be nice

[@nathaliedufour3891]

Brilliant. That's exactly what i experienced. Thank you very much, your work is so important 🙏🏽

[@_elev3nb_903]

You are spot on when saying they start in places and days that might mean something to you. My family came into town unexpectedly, I have not seen these people in about 12-15 years and I have no family where I am living only my narc. The only way I could see them was alone due to their itinerary, I was accused of “hiding” the narc from my family. Narc also ranted about how my family probably liked my ex more anyway...I was in short order discarded. I have realized that every holiday and MY birthday especially there is always some drama that sabotages it to some extent. Narc just couldn’t stand to see me happy to see my family after all these years and she successfully ruined it like she ruins everything else. Somehow narc turned this particular situation into a bunch of different issues and dumped me. Narc says “I’m not in a relationship anymore let’s just be cordial”. This was after attempting to leave the house without speaking to me when I got home. I leave this morning without saying anything and I get a text about not being cordial. 🤦🏻‍♂️

[@runwiththewind3281]

This is a precise and accurate description.

[@CaptainCocaine]

Best day of my life. I knew something was wrong with her, but I didn't know what until years after the break up. She had threatened suicide before, so I did my best to make the breakup her idea. It worked, but it took years of balancing being distant but not being an asshole.

[@RubberWilbur]

I found I was dating a narcissist until after the relationship ended. I originally thought she had bipolar disorder, but you can have empathy, love, and compassion for someone if you have BD. Narcissism is so much more brutal, calculating, and manipulative. I use to think narcissism was just what people call others who are mean, but it really is a medical mental condition that exists.

[@liesbethdevries4986]

I googled "I feel like I've lost myself." After break up he showed me his real mean side, and how he rounded up with his narcissistic mother, the mother of whom he said one day "May she fall down the stairs and break her neck, then I will finally have gotten rid of her." Out of the blue. I was stunned. How to think of your own mother like that. In the discard he played the pity party, blaming me for him living with his mother. Wtf!

[@BankruptBassplayer]

Thank you so much, this is so on point, I have been discarded after 10 years, it was exactly like you are saying it.. changed the locks when I was shopping, .... you can imagine.

[@ExecutiveProtection51]

This was spot on and I needed it! Thank you!!

[@iniubongnkanga9390]

Smartness is essential in any relationship, my worst experience was discovering my 6 years wife cheating through the help of an hacker who helped cloned her cell and i got access to all her text without touching it. I’m here in Australia and able to access his phone while she was away cheating in UK and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned . Contact this Genius-Tracker via Gmail (geniustracker701) or Via WhatsApp him [phone]. Thank me later...

[@genxmum5569]

He announced he had found a new target on our daughter's 17th birthday. Almost 2 years ago now.

[@marcalarca2265]

Debbie...this is a GREAT video! Thanks so much!!

[@debbiemirza1744]

You are so welcome! Thank you for your kind comment! Lots of love to you xx

[@bobbytita8052]

Appreciate these videos because I'm actually recovering/ healing from someone who I'm learning is a covert because these are a different type of people and very dangerous to the pain they cause and how they fool you in the beginning on who they are.

[@massielcalenzani2805]

Oh my goodness, so true! He became really crue...a mean really cruel! I got so sick that I almost die. He was having an affair at the time. He still with that person.

[@sweetmariedinab]

He never really broke up with me, he just pulled away and got quiet. He was married and claimed he was abused by her which is what drew me in. So what he finally said after 6 years of me being patient and supportive, was that he was going to try and make it work with his wife. So I stepped aside yet he kept talking to me here and there , I came to find out 6 months later he was sleeping with his best friend's wife. When things got toxic between he and I he said * I didn have to tell you anything we were broken up* this has been the hardest thing to get through only just realizing the past couple of months that he is a covert narcissist. Thank you for these videos and help. Unfortunately I am judged by many because I was *having an affair with a married man * no support groups for me

[@iniubongnkanga9390]

Smartness is essential in any relationship, my worst experience was discovering my 6 years wife cheating through the help of an hacker who helped cloned her cell and i got access to all her text without touching it. I’m here in Australia and able to access his phone while she was away cheating in UK and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned . Contact this Genius-Tracker via Gmail (geniustracker701) or Via WhatsApp him [phone]. Thank me later...

[@hotmess8771]

I'm Approaching the discard faze with my significant other if he’s capable, (waiting for the other shoe to drop). I’m very excited but on the other hand i’ve never been through it before so we’ll see. He’s gone through faze 1 and 2 phases that you have mentioned. Been with him for 30 years. I CANT WAIT until he’s GONE!!

[@museprof]

This is so helpful, thank you.

[@linsildiedar]

You hit it right on the head with mask cracking severely in middle age. This particular Narc started falling apart and showing his ass. The whole nice guy image fell off.

[@cmac9316]

12 years I don’t even know where to start

[@lisahutton3754]

okay this one made me cry because this is exactly what happened and it was a couple days after my birthday and 2 days before spinal surgery that he decided he was going to leave me.

[@debbiemirza1744]

Oh wow Lisa. So awful and so typical. I'm so sorry. xx

[@catherineolson4038]

What you said, it was exactly what happened to me. I even said, I didn't know WTH this... thing was, but, he wasn't who I'd been married to, before. I'm disabled, and, this has been hell (been 6+ years, am scared he's never going to stop), it never seems to stop. He just took me to court and got my spousal support terminated, and, the judge ruled I have to pay his lawyer fees, $55K... with what?!!

[@catherineolson4038]

I am crying too...

[@Lee-sc3fg]

Thank you for this video

[@runwiththewind3281]

Thank you for helping me understand

[@soniagomes9734]

It was exacly like you said four years ago. 😖😩😩😩😩😩but I 'm healing thank Gogh!

[@l.m.8339]

Thank God I didn't let my severely narcissistic girlfriend of ten years ruin my relationship with my mom, she's the only support I have left. She destroyed my relationships with my friends and she tried to destroy my relationship with my family but that's where I put my foot down and she didn't like it. I'm actually in her discard phase at the moment and she's giving me the silent treatment all over a minor argument. She's pretty much finding it harder and harder to control me and wants nothing to do with me because of it. Her loss.

[@seangrady9542]

Yes... This was what I went through. To the letter. Wish I knew what a CN was sooner. Or maybe not. Time will tell...

[@katharinedavis4947]

My word this is an eyeopener. My daughter has recently begun to abuse me. Youve described exactly whats going on. I have good earthly friends , but my main support is the Lord Jesus Christ . Hes with me always and though I'm upset He is holding me close Praise Him . K

[@Barbara-zo6pq]

9 children oldest had brain surgery in Dec, my mom finds out she had lung cancer in April died in May, my brother is killed in a car wreck in Nov my 100% covert ex leaves suddenly for woman he'd only known 4 days. Said he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He blames me for divorcing him. He smear campaigned and said I abused him and the children and that's why he left for someone else. (And left the kids with me). He was one abusing emotionally and in other ways and trying to make himself to remain an angel for his ego. We were married 20 years. Since then he's been through 4 women (that we are aware of) just married the 5th officially a few weeks ago. I handled it all as I hear I should have from the abundant videos about covert narcissism.I am thankful for the strength and resolve. I feel better than I ever did the the best of times with the ex. However I just stumbled upon covert narcissism in the last month and I've listened to a multitude of counselors and survivors. I thought my-ex is a sociopath, which I do believe he is, but he is definitely 100% a covert narcissist. Even after 10 years this has been healing to gain understanding and to look back and see it all fit together! It's been like having a thousand piece puzzle with a few pieces missing for years and then finally being able to fill in those pieces and see it 100% clearly! I wish I'd had it 10 years ago.

[@mygirldarby]

I'm sorry you had to go through all that! I am also glad things are better for you now. It does help to gain insight.

[@massielcalenzani2805]

True, very painful, confusing.

[@Marcelube]

Thank you Debbie. I wish I knew all of that last year. After basically a year of complete no contact, things are way better. We need to remember who we are, mostly. But how do you do that without your cognition, right? When you basically dated... yourself... When you accept it, healing starts, though😊 I agree with you, it's so subtle, looks like imaturity only. But when you find out...what a shock it is. Like you said, biggest betrayal ever. Of the soul. I feel really lucky today, though. After all the immesurable anger (that's where they really exhaust you, I guess), guilt trip, pain, acceptance, desire for revenge... With all the learning we can get on the web these days, after all of that heals... Phew, feels good finally. If anyone is still struggling with one of those damaged people, let go, don't react, give them nothing. Nothing. Accept it, start remembering and rescuing who you are. You'll get there. It's hard, I couldn't do it. I wish I had. You want revenge? Give them nothing, retributing silent treatment is the only "counterattack" strategy that hurts (you won't see it, though), works and heals. Stay strong, survivors! Love💕🍀🙌

[@iniubongnkanga9390]

Smartness is essential in any relationship, my worst experience was discovering my 6 years wife cheating through the help of an hacker who helped cloned her cell and i got access to all her text without touching it. I’m here in Australia and able to access his phone while she was away cheating in UK and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned . Contact this Genius-Tracker via Gmail (geniustracker701) or Via WhatsApp him [phone]. Thank me later...

[@iniubongnkanga9390]

Smartness is essential in any relationship, my worst experience was discovering my 6 years wife cheating through the help of an hacker who helped cloned her cell and i got access to all her text without touching it. I’m here in Australia and able to access his phone while she was away cheating in UK and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned . Contact this Genius-Tracker via Gmail (geniustracker701) or Via WhatsApp him [phone]. Thank me later...

[@Jannietime1]

I discard people the minute I discover that they are abusive and toxic. I hope that doesn't make me a covert narc. If it does, sorry, I have to save myself from further harm. I find this whole topic so confusing and certainly not as black and white as being claimed.

[@cynthiabiel7714]

I am at the stage now....I can't take anymore.....so I cut people off...sooner now...

[@pamelameckley7308]

No, you're not a covert narc. You're a decent human being who doesn't want to be hurt any more. And there's nothing wrong with that.

[@1230aaish]

Pageanon I feel the same. If the narcissist discard us wouldn’t be that a blessing . I’m confused 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@sharhughes1086]

They can't keep up with the facade the mask will start to fall, I did the Grand Finale I gut punched that creature I beat him to the punch. I know that monster went into a tail spin because he could know longer control me or the situation!

[@jamesjosephwaskiel1841]

Thank you for helping me

[@niva-orruvio1312]

thank you much love and light xoxoxo

[@davidmuse4065]

The best explanation ever!

[@matthewreiner1972]

Spot on!

[@Lina126y]

Omg that’s my story. How do I move on from this awful pain. It’s been 6 years and have not been able to heal.

[@runwiththewind3281]

Debbie Mirza Thank you for helping me understand this long strange journey.. I am broken and scared. I need to tell you how much you encourage me by feeling your authenticity though your reaching out to help.

[@catherinemitchell6191]

I hope that you're feeling better since 4 months ago. It takes a bit of time to recover. Essentially, one has to build themselves up all over again. Baby steps. Sometimes you'll feel like you are progressing, only to feel off key the next day.. But the days of feeling awful and having to endure a memory/memories that have been triggered... well that's part of the healing - you have the opportunity to deal with whatever those memories and feelings are. Then you'll feel fine for a bit, and then again, residue of the relationship might pop up... presenting itself for you to deal with. Along the way, research and educate yourself about what he is, what is it about you that made him choose you, what is it about you that attracted a narc... there will be reasons that are because of your positives... But sometimes, like in my case, I didn't have a strong sense of self. I didn't know who I was, didn't like myself, didn't have healthy boundaries that were non negotiable... Look, I was a complete mess at the end and even for like a year after the break up... deaths door type thing... But upon year two, after 100% no contact, I slowly but surely began having a pulse again. I took time to discover me, eventually I was willing to leave my four walls, then I started interacting with decent and stable people... and these feel good people also helped fill the gaps within my heart. Genuine connections with functional people are highly recommended. End of year two is now... It actually all feels like a dream to me now. He no longer has my thoughts and heart. My life has completely moved on without him.... I literally would never be able to return to him.

[@ninalananora]

My covert Narc is dragging his feet on divorce...violating judges temporary financial restraining order and won't comply he is telling others I am dragging my feet on divorce. I am disabled and have two rare diseases which makes it hard.. I will say though I have had some time to take a really good look at myself and others. Thank you for your videos!! I am stronger because of you!

[@jamesjosephwaskiel1841]

Bewildering

[@franceenmarinaro9393]

Wow this is my experience my life and your explanation is what I’ve seen and felt! This is s 42 year relationship and marriage. I appreciate your entire way of putting this behavior in sync with my experience. Those questions who r u, your confusing me with someone else, on and on... she is a BPD NPD! So withheld intimacy, punishing me or herself. Very crazy but how do u explain that how can someone do that I’ve never done anything to her just the opposite. Judge signed the final divorce and she is now moved out to another state!! Insane. So what is she telling others about why she is doing this? Thank you.

[@valshelby7307]

This is true!

[@robertrowan8174]

Hi Debbie, thank you for your advisement it's really helping me deal with the explosion that happened year-and-a-half ago. I'm going to mention to my doctor on Thursday when I see him about some therapy, as I live in Kemptville Ontario. Thank you again Debbie.

[@Alex-mu6ow]

Mine did a top job on me ... we were at home looking after her friend's children who were happily playing with our young daughter, when she dropped her bomb !! Boom !! Knowing full well she had the ultimate human shield...nice touch xx

[@catherinebutterflyeffect4665]

it s not science it s demons.

[@colbysmom56]

Accurate Debbie!

[@suelawson7273]

My ex told me he thought he wanted to break up with me and that he thought he'd done his share of parenting one Fathers Day. Our 4 year old son was upstairs in bed.

[@dannybee6677]

My older brother is an engineer, and so I pursued a similar career so I can maintain his respect and love I guess. I was very much into drawing comic book characters in my sketchbook, and he would look over my should and say stuff like, "What are you going to do, paint a bunch of pretty pictures??" I was in the 9th grade, I trusted him because he was older and wiser, so I closed that sketchbook. I still remember the sadness that I felt when I closed that sketchbook, and pushed it aside, and opened my math book. After attempting Computer Science in college and failing at it, my brother expressed his disappointment vigorously. He withdrew his love, (because I wasn't doing what he wanted), and I fell into a deep depression. I had to slowly allow myself to pursue fine art. I think I still need some healing though. Because I find myself thinking " what's the point? What should I draw for? There are plenty of artists out there. I pick up a new artistic hobby, and then get frustrated after a few weeks, thinking "Oh whats the use!"

[@magpierose12]

If you understand what she is saying, there is your validation that yes, you were dealing with a covert narcissist.

[@amaamzat9913]

Just before my birthday on his snap story. Didn’t even have any presents planned so he never cared. Still didn’t wish me a happy birthday and then I asked him what my full name was and he didn’t know. Unbelievable! And he’ll probably still find a way to blame that on me.

[@kyliearmstrong3100]

thankyou it was helpful.xxxxx

[@janethomas78]

Very interesting-- My sister, a Covert Narc invited me to her house for my 50th birthday party-- I was surprized! "Wow" I thought.. "really?" When I got there she opened the door and told me she was not having a party for me because nobody liked me and slammed the door. She seriously did that to me-- THANKS!!

[@debbiemirza1744]

Wow! That's so awful. I'm so sorry that happened to you. You deserve so much better than that!

[@janethomas78]

I need counseling to change my brain. I was always taught to think I was worthless and that I was not worth being loved. My home was abusive from my sisters and brothers, my mom was dissociative and denied anything so I never told her about it. I was taught if I studied more I would become worthwhile. I am still studying, I am 59. I am Partially disabled because I am too overwhelmed to work full time at anything. I have kidney damage and bi polar disorder. I can't seem to make anything of myself. I was taught to have abortions. I only attract narcissists. See-- I need therapy and my therapist is pushing me to go to school more. I think I need to learn how to have family and friend relationships? I live with my dog and I have no friends. Just work. Any ideas?

[@faysmith7248]

@@janethomas78 I relate to you. I have three children with mine and doing the school run is torture but I put on a brave face. Either smiling or resting bitch face because any type of relationship makes me paranoid. I often wonder if I'm the narc bug after extensive research i think I'm a codependent with narc fleas. Learned behaviour. I know no better. Coda meetings is my solution. Infact. I think it's perfect for you. Codependants anonymous. Hope this helps.

[@catherineolson4038]

@@faysmith7248 I looked at the Coda website. I guess it could help some people, but, some of the things listed, almost sound like CN traits. I fit a few here and there, but, most of it didn't fit me. I'm mostly just devastated by the life i thought i had, blowing up 6 years ago. I am very glad there is this for people it can help, and, I'm very glad you told us about it, thank you. I do wish they had a locator like that for survivors of CN support groups...

[@generationfunk]

never heard of a narc who ends the relationship in 1 day then just vanishes. Your friend is one lucky lady. My ex is trying to destroy my life and its been 1 months since i left her or had any sleep. She should be grateful hes leaving her alone

[@massielcalenzani2805]

Oh my!!!! Yes! My husband of 12 years!!!! I really thought I had an awesome marriage, I would put my hands on the fire for him, I would have die for him. I loved him, I thought he loved me too...but he had everything set up. He left me emotionally all of a sudden, I throw him out of the house ( I'm not so proud about that) them he left for 3 1/2 years to live I don't know where, but visit our son everyday for that time, torturing me with his presence...horrible! One day he took me to court, divorced me and ask for shared custody. Now he poisons our son and my week with my son, I have to work peace until he goes back to his father. Is really frustrated.

[@liesbethdevries4986]

Go to DR CHILDRESS, he explains SPLITTING on KZbin. You have to learn about AB-PA. Hugs.

[@heletvanblerk4461]

Exactly what happened to me. After 25years. Not me or my 2 kids suspected it. Was an absolute nightmare. Thought my life was over. Lost like 15kg in a few weeks. He left and came back 3 times in 6 months. He told me and the kids he was leaving the night before i went for breast enlargement. So sick and evil. We did not see him for 3 years and then he wanted to come back.... last year. I did realise there were strange things in his behaviour but only got a name for it lately with this supposed cone back..... seems it was all also a hoax. Extremely grateful that the Lord showed me the truth and that everything is making more and more sense...... the truth sets free!!!!!! Now that i know i would not allow him into my house. No contact at all.....thanks for your info and help!

[@valshelby7307]

True!

[@dedemartin7864]

Hv 2 ask 10 years living w/ narc discarded 4 times b4 I'd had enough went on a 10-day trip which I thought was lovely upon return asked where the relationship was. he announced let's be friends w/ benefits No No. I proceeded to go no contact & cancelled attending two of his family weddings. it's been over two years. he has not called me nor have I called him he has Hoover 3 times that I know of. yet, not once picked up the phone to say Hi how are you blows my mind... 10 Years What's behind that ?? Pls.

[@shessoheavy6130]

Can you do some videos on female covert narcissism? This isn't talked about as much.

[@rachelbrad6436]

Glad i saw the mask now lol i saw it with in 2 years and yes it hurts but it didn't hurt me as bad as he wishes😂

[@nikkirsi]

Hi Debbie! I love your videos. By any chance do you have any videos on covert narcissism and parents or family members?

[@debbiemirza1744]

Hi Nikki! Thank you! I'm not sure I do, but will add that to the list for future videos. Also, I have a chapter on that in my book about covert narcissism that has a lot of helpful information. xx

[@StephKes7]

I’d also like to see some videos on family covert narcissist, specifically in laws in my case. Love your calm, peaceful demeanor and the info you share. I hate you experienced so much pain Debbie, but also so thankful God has used you to help others.

[@wendydrummond7395]

When I got the cold cruel heartless discard from my last. When he said after some lovely kissing on " the couch" I will not come to your house again (what was I to do? Believe him?/ think Hoover coming up in the future!) But I accepted him at his word and politely let him out. and as he confidently peacock like strutted across MY FRONT LAWN I shut the door gently & could not stop laughing 3 months later you guessed it a pre Christmas call just popping in to wish you a merry Christmas

[@missminti]

Friend of my ex narc told me my fiancé was bragging to him about cheating. When I left him, I eventually went back and forgave him a month later as he cited addiction as the cause of his terrible behavior. (Fucking prostitutes) The day after I forgave him, I walked in the door to our shared apartment and he was fucking his receptionist. We were engaged and living together for 5 years. I gave him my key after taking my things and my dog and he just closed the door behind me and locked it. Last thing he said was “ it’s just sex, I can compartmentalize it”. I moved the next day, back home to my parents 1800 km away and never saw him again. He says the strained relationship with his mother (also a narc) and myself was what ended the relationship. Completely disregarding the cheating. Unreal.

[@Lee-sc3fg]

I broke up with him as I just could not take the subtle put downs and constantly questioning my judgement on any given subject and the final straw was when he gave me the silent treatment for 3 weeks. after 3 months of him trying to woo me back he dropped the bomb that he had met someone else and he had already introduced her to his kids and this is less than 3 months after he told me of his undying love for me. Even tho I ended the relationship somehow he turned it around so that when he went into great detail about his relationship with this woman I felt like I was being discarded. This just does not make any sense.

[@debbiemirza1744]

You are so right. Their strange and twisted behavior does not make any sense at all. I'm so sorry for what you went through Lee and so happy for you that you are out of that toxicity. You deserve so much better! xx

[@golftrainingacademy]

wow looks like you read my history i was 4 years whit a girl m she was the love of my life, we have somo violence problems when she had rage ataks for she hit me, trough things to me,spit on my face, but after 5 minutes of that rage atacks she was an angel, after 4 year sudendly one dat at a very importnat moment day of my life she went of the house and disapear, block me from averywhere and i didn understnad whay was grong! ifelt just like you told, didnt understand shit! and even today after 4 mohts dhe went and block my from everywhere im still very depresss and didnt understand wht happend becouse i didnt have a closure, it s the biggest ppain i have benn trough my all life

[@monicac8192]

I wish I had known this way before I got into a 4 year relationship with this guy! I had to contact 2 of his ex's to find out....sick and twisted mind!!

[@watsonburgandiify]

My narco is my boss. Second boss in a row. Had no idea first time it happened. N no one but me can see now. Has turned whole team against me and is using flying monkeys. I if course am villain. Can devalue n discard happen at same time?

[@debbiemirza1744]

Absolutely. The discard is filled with so much devaluing. It becomes more pronounced and more overt during the discard phase.

[@patrickpepin8577]

The truth is the mask can slip off at anytime during the relationship.

[@shaunbarnett2972]

Yes I can absolutely relate to this experience however it seems in my case I was not on the receiving end, I was the one initiating the break up. The more I research the more I fear that I actually have had covert narcissistic tendencies for many years. With my break up (one of them), I had actually been with my partner for 7 years and married for one year. But at some point I just started to feel that I didn't want to go down this road anymore, it felt like a trap where I would become entangled with babies and prams and all that stuff, and what I really wanted was my freedom to go and pursue my own success once again. It was secretly what I always wanted because I have always felt an overwhelming need to achieve success in order to impress others and be admired. So within about one week of spending some time by myself thinking about my life and how I wanted my freedom, my feelings began to change very rapidly and I openly started to do things to damage our relationship. I'd tick off with a bunch of friends to drink alcohol on the beach or just go out somewhere whenever I felt like it, deliberately to cause friction as I knew my partner would be really upset about it. I needed to start the ball rolling toward us breaking up. Very quickly, we began having massive arguments and while I didn't enjoy the process of hurting her, at the same time I really just didn't care at all, I didn't feel anything but an overwhelming need to get out, end of story. I have to be honest, the truth is I felt virtually nothing, no sadness, no empathy, no nothing, in fact all I really felt was annoyance that I couldn't just walk out the door and never come back. That's what I wanted to do. When I eventually moved out, I would have to occasionally go back to sort things out and my partner would be crying and drinking, she was a real mess. I still felt nothing, she looked kind of pathetic to me at that time (understand that I now see things very differently as have matured somewhat) and I couldn't understand why she couldn't just get over it. But finally I was free and I couldn't have been happier. Over the coming months I honestly didn't think about her at all. She barely crossed my mind. And in the 12 years since we broke up, I've hardly thought about her at all, maybe 2 or 3 times that's it. I genuinely couldn't care less about her. I'm not proud of this and I"m certainly not boasting, I'm just wanting to be honest about my experience from the narcissist's point of view with a significant break up. I realise it's quite sickening and unhealthy, and now older, I truly wish I could be normal and have healthy relationships. I had no idea there was something significantly wrong with me back then. I thought I was just strong-minded and not prone to weak emotions. However these days it's a different story. The tide has turned somehow and I can barely contain my emotions at times. I'm incredibly lonely, depressed and sickened to my stomach at my own behaviour over the years. What caused me to be this way? Why couldn't I just be healthy and happy like everyone else? Why did no one see that I needed help and something was really wrong with me? And what do I do now? These are my own problems I know, I just wanted to provide some perspective on what a narcissistic person might be thinking and 'not' feeling. And let me clarify, I didn't go out of my way to deliberately hurt anyone for some kind of intrinsic sick satisfaction, I just didn't care about anything but my own interests, and didn't experience any real loving emotions or empathy. It was more of a logical, practical process for me to simply regain my freedom regardless of who might get hurt along the way. I just suddenly wanted out of the relationship and nothing on this earth was going to make me stay.

[@faysmith7248]

I was like that when I was younger. I think you need to forgive yourself. But then again. I'm a massive codependent so I would say that 😉

[@faysmith7248]

I think life and having kids and maturing with age has changed me.

[@mygirldarby]

That is really sad.