my spouse is forcing me to drink 🍺 r/AITA

[@spectilia]

I had to do a double take on the 3rd story. The kid didn't 'blow through' his money. He make $200 stretch for 5-6 MONTHS (depending on specific dates in question). That is pretty dang reasonable for a 13 yr old, imo.

[@silverghostcat1924]

That's what I thought, I know some adults that can't manage to hold on to money that long!

[@christafranken9170]

Right? For that age, those are some pretty impressive budgeting skills imo, especially since he spends time at places where you can easily spend a lot of money with peers right there quite possibly trying to get him to spend more

[@carr0760]

And, at 13 he can't even get a job. Where is this money supposed to come from?

[@thumbsarehandy.]

Even when my parents were paycheck to paycheck, they found a way to give me money for occasional activities. So unless OP genuinely can't afford it, they're being awful.

[@ChibiYotsuba]

With this one, I was wondering if the kid also got an allowance? Was the 200 dollars the only money he had? Maybe I missed something...? (I may also be missing a common social thing, as I was very neglected. I am still learning what is considered 'normal' in what you may expect from your parents. For example, I never got money for activities or even for getting food out of the house, like for at those activities. I got €14,75 a month (weird number, I know) allowance, that's it. I only got new clothes if they couldn't get it for me secondhand. And no, my parents weren't poor. So I usually got €100 max (often less) for my birthday if I put all my gifted cash from everyone together, and used that to get to activities. My allowance went to pre-paid and bus fare, so for food during activities I made sandwiches (cold noodles with some scrambled egg if I needed dinner too) at home and took them. If that wasn't allowed at the activity, I'd try to hide it or go hungry that day. So I seriously have no idea what someone can expect in this. Am I right for asking about his allowance?)

[@JenniSeven7]

Husband in #1 gives massive red flags. Saying this as a DV survivor. He is communicating that her role is to make him feel good while staying small. Terrifyingly familiar.

[@pasteldoll7274]

yeah same, I felt a shiver run down my spine with that story, it felt like something I had heard before and it didn't end well

[@loraleitourtillottwiehr2473]

Same here. That is classic emotional abuse. I know Shaaba tries to see both sides - but that doesn't apply when one side is abusive/manipulative.

[@tkrause1116]

Right?! Same here. Like spot on to my ex-husband.

[@NoxBVansyn]

Yeah same. I had to pause it and digress before the verdict. My parents do this to me.

[@ktm9292]

Yep, I research DV and this is classic manipulation tactics to flip the script on the person with a genuine grievance by attacking how they bring the grievance and assuming the victim role. I think it's important to also not overlook what the argument is about in the first place in this case. He wants to acknowledge his family lineage, but not hers. It has very problematic implications for how he sees her in their relationship before you even get into the wildly problematic way he deals with any disagreements.

[@aliteralpipefish]

There is a certain kind of man that gets immediately furious about being "disrespected" whenever his partner or child says or does something he disagrees with. I was screaming "leave him" in my head throughout that story, not because of anything to do with the baby name thing, but because of what the husband's behaviour in that situation suggests about the kind of person he is. I just really get the impression that he is not a safe person, whether OP knows it yet or not. Definitely more than just a douche.

[@s.a.4358]

I didn’t read the husband as not being a safe person, but I definitely got macho not seeing his wife as an equal vibes. We do not know the reason why he didn’t want OP’s dad’s name as a middle name for the first son, but the fact that he has an issue about both kids’ names is suspicious (ie not an issue with one of the names itself, but an issue with it being a name of OP’s family / proposed by OP). Naming a child should be a joined decision. Then secondly the fact that he shuts down his wife when she states an opinion or feelings, calling it disrespectful to him. Definitely not getting good vibes from that husband. And considering that they have two sons, I wonder if the husband will also teach them to treat women, and their mother, this way. OP could end up in a household with 3 men / boys who think women do not deserve the same respect. Or if one of the sons is not straight and cis, is this husband the kind of father who will have issues with that? Maybe I am thinking too deep into this, but I do think it’s important to consider what kind of person the father / mother of one’s children is.

[@n0b0dy--]

First story sounds exactly how my dad used to treat me. Not allowed to have emotions because it's instantly seen as "having an attitude" or "creating a problem"

[@maximumbees]

my parents are like that too. im constantly told im too emotional or disrespectful 💀

[@frog3262]

@@maximumbees same gang, WE WILL PROSPER!!!! THE REVOLUTION (moving out) WILL COME!!!

[@maximumbees]

@@frog3262 I SURE HOPE SO

[@amy-j9x]

UGH THIS IS SO REAL

[@somnaw]

For the kid with no allowance I am so outraged for him. I even did the math and for spending $200 in the course of 6 months that would be equivalent to less than $8 a week in allowance. That sounds to me like he's budgeting pretty conservatively for going to all these activities. If the parent wants him to be more conservative maybe put him on a $5 a week allowance so that he can save up for the activities and think about budget over the course of a week or maybe even do it by month but a whole year is ridiculous, especially with only $200. To say that oh no you blew through $200 in the course of 6 months? What does the parent think the budget should be? It's not like you can just have a birthday and then put away the kids needs and desires for a year

[@s.a.4358]

The concept that the child should be fully responsible for his own social time expenses is so weird to me. He is 13 years old, isn’t it normal that parents would cover the (reasonable) costs of spending time with friends and doing stuff out of the house? Free time and hanging out with friends is not a crazy ask, in fact it is a normal part of being a teenager and also a human who needs social interaction outside the nuclear family unit and school. OP is behaving as if her son doing things with friends is an unusual thing. Even if they are just hanging out outside, playing sports or whatnot (a free activity in itself) the son can want to buy a drink or a snack so $200 over 6 months is not a lot.

[@jenniferpaul7039]

Devastated to hear the cool kids aren't hanging out at the aquarium 😂

[@trinitybernhardt9944]

I was like I LOVE the aquarium! Then she said it was her bisexual brain and I felt even more validated 😂

[@elaineb7065]

I love the aquarium too, & miss the fact my local one is in the process of getting rebuilt right now. Been three times with my Blahaj & loved all three!!! (I'm autistic & have a Thing TM about sharks)

[@thetheatricallinguist]

Love that Shaaba only realised she was saying 'hypofenate' the second time she did it 😂

[@shaaba]

oh dear 🥲

[@thetheatricallinguist]

@@shaaba it was very cute!

[@gilesluver]

1st--NTD. Husband is thin-skinned as school toilet paper. "Tearing him down"? "Disrespectful"? Girl, you need to be able to talk to him about his faults or nothing improves. He's found an effective way to shut you up. Ask him what he would say if you addressed the question perfectly. Great way to see if he even heard what you said. Or if the mere fact you're questioning him leaves him too triggered.

[@kellyl13]

Honestly, husband sounds like a sexist, controlling asshole; I can't fathom why anyone would marry someone like him (although this may be why I'm still single at 38, lol).

[@japjap_jule]

I'm betting it's the questioning him at all that's disrespectful to him. Sounds like a woman questioning a man on anything is disrespect.

[@s.a.4358]

I get the feeling that the husband is not open to being questioned, told he is wrong, or simply told an opinion that is different from his own. Not a great basis for a marriage.

[@SLYKM]

He seems conservative. Either way, people like that aren't honest. If you say "what would you say if I said it perfectly," hed say that would be good enough. But watch, when you say it perfectly, suddenly something else is wrong. They just want a reason to be against the thing they actually have a problem with, and know they cant argue against it or they dont realize thats the actual reason.

[@lucialma]

OP #1’s husband is a walking red flag; if he’s not already emotionally abusing her he will soon

[@mandyb2245]

On the last story I think instead of OP saying "until you apologize" she should have said something like, "You told me I drink too much, and now you're getting annoyed that I'm not drinking? What do you want from me?" That would be my response. They seem to be giving her mixed messages.

[@faithpearlgenied-a5517]

Story one - he's manipulative and basically, he doesn't think she's as important as he is in their relationship. I wish people would sort out these kinds of issues in the relationship BEFORE they start bringing kids into the world.

[@whatismylifeanymore]

Though I agree, some people just don't realize their partner is being manipulative like that before they have kids. My parents had a similar thing where apparently after I was born, my dad changed into not a great man(@busive). Though I believe he always did suck, I think it just got worse when I was born. I can give the OP more grace, but also I do agree with you. ESPECIALLY if he starts doing that to the kid(my father does it to me all the time, it's actual hell), because when you have kids, you have to give up alot of your selfishness and what's best for you. You have a kid(in this case 2) that you need to protect and look after.

[@Superlarps]

Yeah it's very common for these types of people to hide it extremely well until kids are born. Once they feel that it's harder for them to leave, they stop hiding so much

[@mch1811]

It is more easily said than done. It's more common than you might think for abuse to start after having kids and to worsen during pregnancies (when you're at your most vulnerable and in need of support). Was certainly my experience and I have lots of empathy now for people who find themselves in these situations because it all seems so obvious on reflection, but to begin with it's amazing and things decline so gradually that you don't notice until you're married with kids and trapped.

[@armie4172]

Seriously. I’m related to someone where he is treated as unimportant by his wife and mother in law. He’s never in pictures they post. It’s always, always just her and her family. I just wish they hadn’t had 3 kids and made splitting up much more difficult.

[@darkstarr984]

Oh I had this conversation about what somebody thought about having families and kids and their roles in relationships long before even considering dating anyone. (but I am a weirdo for seriously evaluating all my friends and acquaintances heavily as a potential partner as well, which… it makes sense since I don’t actually find romantic attraction a thing so I always thought it was just friends who you also are sexually attracted to).

[@vltjyou3316]

I have a person in my life that is a recovering alcoholic, and he has set a boundary that he doesn’t drink in any way. And we as normal humans respect that. We haven’t met anyone that has questioned his decision. People ask why he’s sober and he’s upfront with it and people usually get uncomfortable just by the subject and drop it. It’s so odd to me that they just “stop drinking” and then “why aren’t you drinking”

[@bunji_beans]

I highly agree with you on the 3rd story. I never received an allowance growing up but my parents gave me money whenever I needed it (within reason). It's ridiculous to expect a kid to make $200 last a year!

[@marshmallow4646]

Yeah and it sounds like they can afford it..start doing allowance or earning money for extra chores to teach your kid to manage money..

[@shivika1000]

A therapist once told me that when people are given criticism they tend to either deflect or portray themselves as the victim. In the first story, consciously or unconsciously, husband is doing both. He cannot bear to hear anyone not agreeing with him. This is a huge red flag

[@kateluvya]

I had troubles with communication with my ex. He was very like the guy in the first story. When I told him I thought we needed marriage couciling for our communication issues, he told me that any communication problems were on my side because he communicated just fine. So glad to be free from that

[@M_Alexander]

Yeah... people like that don't realize communication is a two way street

[@saraquill]

Same. He’d get mad at me even if I agreed with him.

[@Ceardah-qy5zi]

Same. I even started using "I " statements to avoid the tones or words that would shut down a conversation. He said (in dramatic fashion) that I was making everything about me... I don't think the op from that story will ever be able to communicate effectively with that man

[@elizabethpink]

Nearly 30 years ago I was a problem drinker. Thankfully not a full blown alcoholic, but likely as close as one can get without tipping over the edge. I had a few sober mates who tried to point it out to me, but I didn't seek help until I could recognize the problem myself. Those very same sober friends started drinking whilst I was getting sober, then started pestering me about why I wasn't drinking. It was as if I couldn't do anything right. I recognized I had a problem, and so I was working toward fixing that problem, but then they weren't happy that I was trying to fix the problem. There was no win in sight. (So, I evicted them all from my life and continued on my journey of healing and bettering myself.) I can see why you would choose to make OP the drama, but frankly I can see the issue from their side. They likely felt like they were being criticized about their drinking habits, they solved the "issue", and then they were being badgered about not drinking. There is literally no middle ground with their spouse or mates. Also, what those around perceive to be "drinking too much/a lot" for OP might be well within their personal limits. Basically, other people are making a call on something that doesn't seem to be negatively impacting them in any way (no abuse, violence, belligerence, etc.). Only OP knows what their limits are, and what is or isn't "a lot" for them. If there really is a problem, only OP can fix that, and only when they are ready to see it.

[@shaaba]

appreciate you sharing this, a very valuable perspective! 💛

[@Vinnehkins]

I'm the child of an alcoholic, can confirm that people treat you differently when you stop drinking or don't drink. My mom would get with other alcoholics that were also enablers and when she got sober they either got gone or made it difficult for her to be sober. It's also difficult to be sober when the state you live in literally has the highest rates of alcohol usage and most of the top ten drunkest cities in your country are also in your state. "But what else are you gonna do when it's 20 below with 3 feet of snow and there's a bar on every corner?" "You can't have a proper tailgater without some brewskis!" -Actual things that I, a Wisconsinite, have heard and then some. As someone that's gone from drinking to being sober (not for alcoholic reasons, but decided it just wasn't for me) people treat me different when I say I don't drink and they're often incredibly rude about it, even if I've explained that alcoholism runs in my family. "Why don't you drink?" Can sound innocent in text, but when it's said to you like you're doing something wrong, it's incredibly bizarre and off-putting. I usually just get rude right back and tell them one of the "falling off the wagon" horror stories I have in my tool belt, all of them involving death (my mom was an alcoholic from before I was born until I was 16 and has been sober now for just over 24 years

[@mintygrey]

Omg this has opened a door in my brain! I remember having arguments with my family where I was frustrated, but it never got resolved, because they only wanted to talk about how I was voicing my frustrations in the "wrong way". Eg, "sounding frustrated" or "angry" or whatever, then they only wanted to discuss that, and the issue never got fixed, because everyone was "too upset". Urgh!

[@Luxinda]

Classic alcoholic: “I don’t have a problem. I can quit whenever I want, just watch. I’m right, and you’re wrong about me. I’ll just stop drinking till you admit I don’t have a problem.” The OP has a problem. I used to be married to one of those.

[@s.a.4358]

I agree that it sounds like OP does have a drinking problem. Which is also why I don’t understand the friends first commenting on his heavy drinking, but the also encouraging him to drink. I get the feeling that OP’s social life is very focused on drinking overall.

[@leggyegg2890]

@@s.a.4358 100%. It sounds like OP’s loved ones want him to drink less and think he has a problem, but don’t really understand what that means. They want him to drink and party an amount that’s still fun for them, without it being an ‘issue’. Addiction is so different for everyone so I’m not even saying OP should never have another drop of alcohol, but it’s so unrealistic to think that someone with a genuine substance issue can go from it being a problem to using in moderation at the drop of a hat. I wouldn’t necessarily even think he had a ‘true’ problem if it weren’t for his attitude. Sometimes people are in a phase where they’re drinking a lot, not thinking much about it, and it truly doesn’t mean anything. I’d believe that was the case if he wasn’t approaching it with the aim of proving these people wrong. ESH

[@soundlessbee]

Right and he has not been drinking for two weeks. If not drinking has come up multiple times in two weeks and OP thinks that two weeks without drinking is some kind of an achievement, it seems like there is a lot of drinking going on in that friend group.

[@gilesluver]

1st-- OP wouldn't have "that tone" if she felt he was listening and considering what she was saying.

[@rage_of_aquarius]

One of the few things that someone can say that triggers me is "that tone". It's a result of frustration, it isn't the conversational default, so obviously something happened to get us to the point where I'm "taking a tone".

[@transmysticalman]

21:23 lol your kids are children and “blew through it by April” when he got only $200 in Oct?? Idk if you can quantify a nearly 6 month span and $200 as “blowing through” anything. Thats like what 1 medium size LEGO set? Sounds like normal kid behavior and its good your partner gives your kid money so he can go be a kid with their other kid friends

[@s.a.4358]

I wonder how OP expects her 13 year old child with no allowance to pay for thing? Not everything kids do is free, even if just to buy a drink or snack when he is out with friends. Isn’t in normal for parents to pay for their kids’ social activities and outings (within reason of course)? $200 over 6 months is not a lot.

[@neilb1382]

My girlfriend needed a new computer so we researched a few and went to go get her a pre-built one. This one guy working at the shop we went to was so rude and condescending while she was buying it. Immediately she wanted to return it and go elsewhere, otherwise she'd always associate the computer with that guy and how she gave that shop her money. It took the excitement of getting a new computer completely away for her. So we did! We did some more research, went to another shop, and the people there were so nice. It was absolutely the best decision. If I had been the one to get her the computer, I would have completely understood if she wanted to return it and go elsewhere. I don't think it's petty or dramatic.

[@MaggieValera]

Third story, the child made $200 last for 6 months, I'm betting mom couldn't do that. If he had received get $200 worth of gifts for his birthday, would she have him sell them to pay for his activities? If not then it's not okay for her to force him to use his birthday money, especially when that wasn't what it was given to him for. Maybe next time you should ask for gift certificates for his favorite activities.

[@faenene]

I love that you say “downstairs in the comments”, it makes it feel like a little clubhouse ^^

[@stroodledoodles]

OP in the first story has a husband problem, he continously disrespects her and takes any form of criticism as a personal attack which are big red flags to me. It's like his idea of a wife is a quiet obedient pet rather than a person with their own thoughts and feelings.

[@melissacoviello2886]

The guy who stopped drinking seems like maybe he’s a bit in denial as to how significant his drinking is. I say this as a recovering alcoholic. I also agree with the suggestion that maybe he’s a binge drinker. Alcoholism has many forms, it looks different for everyone.

[@meganholian4837]

So here’s my problem with the drinking one. Let’s say you are concerned enough about a friend’s drinking habits that you say something to them. To me, that means that you are concerned that they may be an alcoholic. Addiction (unfortunately) has a lot of shame around it and asking someone why they aren’t drinking can bring up a lot of feelings of shame that can put more internal pressure on the person. Even if they didn’t mean it in a hurtful way, the second someone says they’re not drinking, they shouldn’t have pushed any more. In my opinion, the second someone says no, the next question is “great, can I get you something else? Water, soda, juice, etc”. I don’t personally have a substance issue, but I spent a lot of my life around people with them. If one of them suddenly stopped drinking, I’m definitely not pressuring them to start again. They can tell me why they’ve stopped if/when they’re ready

[@flotenstimme4608]

Yes like reading the post I do not think the friends are supportive. They notice it is much until they see the need to tell him and instead of supporting him to stop they keep asking? When I was 16 I had a friend group with several smokers. One tried to stop and I was like hey that s great, and got a little fact book with a list which timespan of not smoking improves what for your body. I would have never addressed him like "why did you stop?" That is not supportive. Also when he started smoking again one year later I also didn't make it an issue. Just listened and checked out if he needed something....

[@VDeku]

Exactly. Like if ur so fckn concerned don’t try to get him to drink two weeks later, at least apologize first, partner and friends included

[@emilyauld8622]

Been sober for just over 4 months. Op's reaction to people's concern about their drinking makes me think they do have a problem and feel attacked by being called out. It's a common reaction for addicts to arc up when being confronted. As for how long until you start drinking again, you can't put that on other people. That's your choice not anyone elses.

[@bradiedean7466]

It already annoys me when people call their kids disrespectful anytime they sound frustrated bc imo it teaches kids to bury their feelings or that they're not allowed to get frustrated, when being frustrated with a situation is not always the same as being frustrated with a person. So holding your partner to that standard makes me especially frustrated, bc it's also coming off as condescending and controlling since she's an adult getting treated like a child or subordinate (which is ACTUALLY disrespectful)

[@tkrause1116]

Handbag husband: he could have listened when OP said she didn't want the bag from that sales associate. That would make me feel disrespected and dismissed if I were OP.

[@Pink_Sinthetic]

My dad's an alcoholic, and the reason I don't drink. He used to always do this thing where he'd stop drinking on January 1st for a few months. It was never for a set-set amount of time. Sometimes it was 2 months, rarely it was like 6. This is a man who has flipped cars into ravines. Who has come home drunk at 2 am and told his daughter to shut the fuck up when she asked him to keep it down so she could sleep for school in the morning. Who has driven drunk with his children in the vehicle with him (I still remember one time. When a kid under ten is scared of your driving, who has enough awareness of it to be scared, that's terrifying. Because not only are you scared, but you know your parent put you in this danger.). Who, when he moved in with me I tried to make it a dry house because I do not drink and he SHOULD NOT drink. He would not agree. The best I could get out of him was that he would never do it in sight or so I would know. And he would never keep it where I would see it. A man who had to have one of those car breathalysers installed. Who was given court ordered group therapy. And even though he LIKED THE THERAPY he never tried to seek it out again after it ended. We live in Alberta now. There's so many AA meetings he could try. He's retired. He doesn't _do_ anything. There's nothing preventing him from building community and support. But he's 500% said the whole "it's not a problem, I can control it". And he's used that New Year's sober sesh as proof he's fine. That he's not as bad as "those other ones". And boy do I hear that with the one lady in this video. Saying you can stop means nothing when you know you can start again whenever you feel like it. It means nothing. You're not stronger than the alcohol. It's lying to you. Until you can commit to taking each day at a time, and saying no for just one more, and letting yourself fail and still go back to trying again, you're still stuck in the jaws of addiction. I spent so many hours during my volunteering, taking a woman to a Cocaine Anonymous meeting (she preferred the CA group over the NA group) and heard so many stories, joined hands with so many people, and spoke the pledges along with them that gave them strength. I saw people earn their cakes, and I saw people fail. I know what those groups can do for people, and I know that they can't do _anything_ unless the person with the addiction wants the help.

[@Resilient_Sage88]

Yeah trying to express yourself to people who put up an automatic wall of "I don't want to fight' when it's not a fight!!! Is frustrating as hell. Husband keeps moving the goal posts on how she should communicate an issue and throwing out words like "Disrespectful' because she isn't doormatting properly.

[@rage_of_aquarius]

Maybe she should write him a formal letter using very neutral and professional language. Watch him feel like that's too aggressive 😂

[@HumbleWooper]

@@rage_of_aquarius That or he'd accuse her of being cold and distant. Act incredibly hurt that she didn't feel comfortable saying it to his face, maybe that she's not acting like the amazing person he fell in love with. Stuff like that. People like OP's husband often love to put on a gaslighting kicked-puppy routine when they're fairly called out for their BS. Especially when the abused person meets fire with fire (pushes back when insulted or belittled), or pulls into their shell from the hurt.

[@mousestripedgrass2123]

​@@rage_of_aquarius using chatgpt to rewrite in a polite and kind style and show him the prompt if he tries to spin it

[@Kjane921]

The drinking one I think is the first time you changing the question to “am I the drama” changes the answer. OP escalated the confrontation, making them the drama, but I don’t think they were an asshole for doing so.

[@rage_of_aquarius]

I agree. They're not a jerk, just a little petty.

[@violet7773]

I think the handbag post is the same actually. Returning the bag is dramatic af but I don't think it's an a-hold move But i absolutely agree. I don't drink, but if I did and people expressed concern and then when I stopped then they started badgering me to start again, I'd be getting dramatic I think

[@abigailwood-bodley5205]

Loads of places still do commission, it’s surprisingly still very common, especially in high end stores. Lots of places do it slightly differently, but the usual vibe is: you get given a sales target, if you meet or surpass your target you get a percentage of the money you made for the store as commission.

[@whatismylife8100]

Honestly with the last story i actually do understand why they were offended that people said they had a drinking problem. And i get why they wanted to prove them wrong. I do think they were being spiteful but i also think the friends were being really bitchy considering theyd literally been saying this person shouldnt drink as much and then when they stop theyre annoyed as well? It doesnt sound like concern for their friend to be honest cos if it was they wouldn't have been annoyed that OP stopped

[@bunji_beans]

I'm willing to bet that the friends' annoyance wasn't at OP saying no but at how they were saying it. It's apparent in their post that they didn't stop out of self reflection or consideration but out of obstinance and wanting to prove the others wrong. It's pretty clear that OP didn't bother to hide their motivation. Also, stopping completely isn't evidence that you don't have a drinking problem. It's showing you can't drink in moderation.

[@ivory7182]

Take out the baby names and the first story is essentially why I don't talk to my father anymore

[@rage_of_aquarius]

It's why I talk in short, neutral sentences with my father about completely banal topics in between long silences. Always gotta keep it light and stay on your toes!

[@ameliab324]

Well my friend used to say 'I don't want to argue' everytime I disagreed with her, which sounded like 'You're so stupid I'm not even gonna address that' to me, but turns out she felt that I was getting stressed by our disagreement and wanted to avoid that. Turns out they really don't like angering or stressing people out, and I have multiple experiences of being mocked for my views or receiving an aggressive\condescending response when I disagree with something. Now I know she likes discussing with me, and I usually do feel more comfortable discussing with them than I used to previously. I'd say we've grown, but it's kinda obvious that you grow in between the ages of 12 and 21, bc that's the period we have known each other for.

[@elizabethpink]

I swear there need to be classes in school specifically teaching how to disagree. I have my own (quite strong) opinions, and I'm not afraid to share them. I've had a number of timid friends through the years who don't have the confidence to express their own opinions, and who wilt in the presence of someone outspoken. They saw everything as an argument. Thankfully some of them gained confidence and emotional maturity over time and are now aware of the difference between disagreeing and arguing. Others, sadly, had to be evicted from my life as I am not going to make myself smaller for anyone.

[@kristinw2600]

Of course you grow between 12 and 21 - BECAUSE of experiences like this! This experience in learning how to disagree and have a discussion with someone was part of that growth process for you, so it's perfectly valid to say that "we've grown." I'm glad the two of you found your balance and kept the friendship!

[@rage_of_aquarius]

I feel very called out lol. I saved up my chore money so that I could go to the aquarium with my friends my senior year. My mum bought my train ticket, but that was all. Also, we try to chip in on parking for our friend who drives. We love the aquarium and I did have to skimp on souvenirs because 1: they're wicked expensive, and 2: I wanted to eat that day lol.

[@maggpiprime954]

That first story reminded me of my ex, pedantic af, and intellectually abusive to boot. Nothing I ever said was right, I was too "emotional," or "dramatic." He completely infantilized me constantly, even in front of others. He could never be wrong. And they believed him. Til they caught on. He really hated being called out.

[@Sapphykins]

seems like a good place to bring up that unless it's someone super close to you like your partner or bff, it's generally not a good idea to ask someone why they don't drink, even if they've suddenly stopped. if they want to share, they can, but so many of the common reasons for going teatotal are very personal sensitive topics (e.g. addiction issues, serious health concerns, pregnancy they're not ready to tell people yet, a traumatic experience when drunk, solidarity with someone who's dealing with any of the above, etc.)

[@bevishhh]

11:06 I am Autistic/ADHD and I really struggle with controlling my volume and emotion at the best of times. Someone expecting me to be able to control that stuff while also being able to manage a heated conversation, making myself heard and stating my points clearly, is asking too much. They’re asking me to mask and that’s not fair. My dad does this a lot and it only makes things worse.

[@StoryBird2]

4:35 dude my mom pulls the 'stop arguing card' whenever I am disagreeing with her or someone else. Instead of us discussing why we disagree and coming to a conclusion, that comment always stops the conversation and leaves everyone feeling unheard. Often it MAKES me and the other person involved actually angry, because she wasn't involved in the first place and is now trying to stop healthy communication.

[@aliceanneacts6164]

Just watched Jamie’s review of his surgery video. Major props to you. Being the advocate/caregiver is no joke. You are obviously a great partner!

[@lauraelliott6909]

For the alcohol story, there's also a possibility that the overindulgence is a form of self-medication. It is a form of substance abuse that doesn't require addiction. If that's the case, OP would need to address whatever was leading him to medicate with alcohol. I have two friends who self-medicated with alcohol, and I've done it myself in the past. Only one of the three turned out to have an addiction, but all three of us needed to address the core issue. One was dealing with trauma from SA, one had lost her home and community to a hurricane (the family had to relocate after the storm), and one was dealing with depression after a breakup. One got sober, one now drinks in moderation and one rarely drinks (special occasions only, like New Year's).

[@Tonii080]

The comment that says they are Petty Labelle, I completely disagree with them. My man would purposely get a different sales associate because he would be aware I severely disliked the rude one. Husband is kinda dumb imo. I do agree that they could tell the manager but doesn’t THAT seem more extreme than what she is doing?

[@rage_of_aquarius]

Fr, she's just basically not tipping someone who didn't help her, rather than potentially risk their job by talking to a manager. Also, I totally agree with you that husband should have realized that his actions were bordering on condescending and he fully disregarded how OP felt.

[@SCmagicmagic]

Why do people keep having babies with these horrible men?

[@rage_of_aquarius]

Because it's too expensive to do it alone? Also, it seems like people take "real life isn't a fairytale" and "you have to take the good with the bad" to mean that it's better to be in a sub-par marriage than die alone. Women seem to not realize that just because nobody's perfect and there will be things you have to tolerate about a partner, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't hold out for someone who doesn't give you a sense of something being off in a serious way.

[@motionless_horizon]

1st: husband is a major AH and it’s a huge red flag. Had a step dad who was a very abusive person towards my mom, and he would say things almost word for word like that husband in the post. “I don’t want to talk if you’re going to talk like this” “you’re tearing me down” “you’re just calling me names now” etc. meanwhile it is valid and respectful points being made against him, and he can’t handle criticism

[@elanadavis7350]

1st story - thinking back to my previous relationships, the husband's behavior was a tell tale sign of abuse. This thing alone isn't straight up abuse, but it's the biggest sign for other issues in relationships and it depends how the husband reacts to other issues, but it's not looking good based off of this story. 3rd story - does op expect 200 to last an entire year? In this economy? Making it last half the year is impressive, even as a teen. 4th story - I think that if you have a problem with someone having a genuine concern with something you're doing to yourself, then there's a chance you do have a problem with the thing, even if you're able to stop and claim not to be thinking about it. OP is acting weird about people being concerned about their drinking, but also their friends trying to pressure them into drinking to have fun is also not okay. Alcohol is an easy problem to have, and it doesn't have to be a full-on alcoholic to have a problem with it.

[@LoraK31]

For the last story, I also wanted to add that the OP can't really know that quitting drinking was easy for them because they're only quitting temporarily until people say they don't have a problem. It's easier to "quit" something when you know it's not going to be forever. The language in the post makes it seem like they're trying to convince themselves they could quit if they wanted to, but I don't know if I believe them

[@nebulan]

Agreed, the poster is trying to convince themselves.

[@s.a.4358]

2 weeks is also not that long. Having willpower for 2 weeks, especially if one is trying to prove a point, is completely different from having willpower on the daily for years on end. Having said that, I know someone who quit smoking by telling themselves “I am not smoking AT THE MOMENT” because that felt easier than telling themselves they can never smoke again. “At the moment” has been 15 years so far. So I do think mental tricks can be helpful too.

[@nebulan]

@@s.a.4358 congrats on the 15 years in the moment!

[@blackk_rose_]

I love how optimistic you are about people. I'm way too cynical for that. I saw a relationship between two people deteriorate because the woman would get emotional and he shut down immediately when she did. They also had the talk about different communication styles and how it made each of them feel but he could never accept that she was not always able to keep conversations completely free of emotions like he wanted and luckily she eventually broke it off. It was so toxic. I hope you're right and they can sort it out, but there's too many men out there who refuse to accept the validity of emotions becuase they were raised to see them as weakness

[@thulium_3169]

it's 12:30 am here and i got a test on 4th but AITA is more important than physics...

[@Dragon_prince90]

Aita is absolutely more important

[@faenene]

See ya plate tectonics. We have drama to rate

[@zoubidoubidoubadoum]

Defying gravity fr

[@shaaba]

omg your teacher’s gonna call me the drama 🥲 rest well and revise well - we’ll be here when you get back! best of luck 🍑✨

[@lucysutton7420]

I think the drinking one, he isn't the drama, actually. His friends were concerned about him drinking, and then they're mad he's not drinking??? I'd be pissed off too.

[@theespers5263]

I worked in a retail store with commission. At that business we would ring up an exchange under the original salesperson that the sale was under so that they wouldn't lose their commission. It wasn't a hard rule, but it's what we did.

[@HumbleWooper]

Story 2 with the bag and the rude salesperson, I'm wondering if it was from one of those high-end single-brand designer bag stores? In the USA those type of stores sometimes do still pay a commission to the floor staff. Plus they can be snobby about who they think is worth their time. If OP didn't look "worth my effort" to the employee for whatever reason (could be clothing, race, age, or whatever) I can absolutely see her getting ignored. Whether OP keeps the bag or not, though, it's definitely something to tell management about. IMO how management reacts to a respectful report would decide whether that location gets my business in the future.

[@Dragon_prince90]

The AITA subreddit is deeply unhinged and I’m here for it

[@knitandcatboodle]

4:16 It annoys me to no end when people tell my husband and I to stop "fighting" when we're just messing with each other.

[@Astupidjinn]

Wake up Shaaba posted!!!!

[@qryptid]

First story that relationship is borderline if not actually absive. If OP can't raise any concern without husband getting aggressive? For years? That's manipulative as hell. If he gets to make all the decisions and she gets shut down any time she says she's upset, she's not being treated as an equal partner and idk if OP sees it :\

[@trinitybernhardt9944]

1st story: NTD I appreciate the advice for a healthy relationship that has a few bumpsin the communication. There is another side though and that is not all relationships are healthy, and sometimes people can say "yeah I can be bad at this..." because they have been gaslit into thinking it's true. We can't know for sure whether this guy is a bad guy, but there are enough red flags to put that possibility out there with the healthy relationship advice. 3rd story: YTD The caveat of how financial pressure changes this one is important, but nothing I saw indicated that. This person just seems to be judgmental of their child and not wanting to spend their money on them. That robs a child of a lot of social interaction, and they specified when their child is invited out. I wonder if they are ever offering? That makes a big difference too. If they are taking them out with friends frequently so they still have a social life I would feel less pressed about them saying no the other times. If the issue was the number of times you paid though, then say you get X amount of money each month, regardless of who invites who. 4th story: ESH I agree with pretty much everything about OP, but it is a drama move to press anyone about drinking, and all the more when you were just pressing them about drinking too much. If they are actually acting judgmental toward you than call that out, but you don't get to push them to consume alcohol. I choose not to drink myself, and spend time with both drinkers and those who are sober. There is no reason the 3 groups can't intermingle. Just stay out of other's cups. Call out behavior.

[@ShinTriAce]

* yeets the bait * Finally, some good dinner entertainment

[@ryzrood]

Shaaba, thank you for always being such a source of positivity!

[@nicked_fenyx]

I agree with all of these. For the last one, I think OP is being a huge source of drama and actually has some decent friends. For reference, I do drink on occasion - mostly at home in the evenings, and occasionally (maybe once a week or less) with the intent to get *slightly* buzzed because it can be a fun experience, so long as it's not taken too far nor becoming a regular occurance. My spouse is completely fine with this, though chooses to drink more slowly due to not particularly enjoying the "buzzed" feeling themself. If I were in a position where my spouse became concerned and stated that I had begun drinking quite a bit, I would be grateful to them for pointing that out and would want to have a deeper discussion about what that might mean and what I should do about it. From what OP wrote, it sounds like he may have a binge drinking problem, since multiple people in his life have commented as much. The fact that he takes the time to essentially brag about how easy it was to stop drinking, combined with everything else he wrote, doesn't quite sit right with me. I get the feeling he actually does want to drink, but wants to prove his friends wrong even more. He basically bristled at the implication that he might have a problem, and decided to do whatever it took to prove himself right and those around him wrong. I wouldn't be at all surprised if OP makes a big deal out of *not* drinking when he's with his friends at this point, which could explain why his spouse asked how long he plans to keep this up. If I went out to dinner with my friends and one of them kept talking about how *he* doesn't need to drink, how *easy* it is to choose not to drink, etc that would get old quite fast - especially if this were someone who had quite recently had a problem with drinking too much every time we got together and was clearly trying to prove a point (in the most annoying way possible). So yeah, I would say he's the drama. His friends are likely just getting tired of his ego and want it all to be over, lol.

[@tabithafletcher1513]

I was a beauty consultant at a Walgreens and I did get commissions on cosmetic sales, I did have KPI’s and promotions to push to earn more commissions as well, so in retail it does happen for certain positions and higher end retail shops especially when they have particular products they want to push for that specific length of time. It’s never enough of a commission compared to what the company makes on the product and your amount of work to sell it, naturally lol. But that’s another reason why you have your specific logins for the POS systems and all that, in addition to anti theft and whatnot.

[@CherryCruller96]

Aw my little flutters always go off every time there’s a new Shaaba video💖thank you for reading to me while I crochet Christmas presents

[@shaaba]

aww happy christmas crocheting!! 🧶💛

[@kinolibby6580]

The trouble with alcohol is it can be detrimental to your, relationships, work, hobbies, health and wellbeing long before you get to the point where you're physically addicted. So the people around a problem drinker might be like 'hey I think you have a drink problem' and they might think 'well I can't be an alcoholic because I'm not pouring whisky on my cornflakes and I gave up for 2 weeks in January and I can go without a drink if I know I need to drive.' So sure that person isn't physically addicted to alcohol but that doesn't mean they aren't psychologically addicted. It also doesn't mean that the amount of alcohol they drink isn't having a negative impact on their lives, if people are pointing it out then it's definitely having a negative impact on their relationships.

[@xerofelix7090]

I'm a teetotaler as well, for similar reasons as you, not also because I've never liked the way alcohol makes me feel. Fortunately, I have medical issues that I can use as an excuse, but honestly, I'm just one of those people that doesn't like the feeling of alcohol. I'm really into tea too, and I've always had more fun exploring different styles, flavors, and brands of tea much more than alcohol tbh.

[@jessicaholscher4097]

4:25 If you're talking about the conversation you guys had in that video recently, that was healthy communication. It's just scary when you realize you are not on exactly on the same page when you usually are on the same sentence. It's like a moment of "oh, right, we aren't the same exact person and that's okay because we still love and support each other."

[@Ash-xj6ei]

I love the fact that these videos come out like an hour before I have to leave for my college class cause that means I can watch it while I prepare to go to it.

[@starfishgurl1984]

Due to sensory processing disorder I have an aversion to most sweet sugary foods and drinks so alcohol tastes absolutely nasty to me but as someone with an addictive gene because alcoholism ran in my moms family I was very happy I hated it so I didn’t have to worry about becoming a victim too. I knew people who died from drinking and driving and I grew up listening to my mom’s holiday horror stories from alcoholic family members so it’s kind of a touchy subject for me when people are careless about their drinking habits and I totally agree with Shaaba on that one!

[@neo-cb9lc]

happy monday shaaba and fellow peaches!

[@shaaba]

happy Monday cutie! x

[@tkrause1116]

First story: husband sounds exactly like my ex-husband. Emphasis on the "ex".

[@maryandrusyk]

As someone that has worked in different forms of comission sales, a return (especially at clothing retail) doesn't always take it away from the original salesperson. If it happens to be split comission it might actually reflect negatively on the staff working during the return. Once sales people are paid, we're paid and I've never experienced a dock in pay because of a return. Contacting management is the way to go if it bugged you this much.

[@PomiDora-mm6bt]

long time viewer of your AITA series here. I really enjoy your nuanced and empathetic takes,with some spiciness and fun in the mix :) thank you, Shaaba!

[@1rkhachatryan]

The last guy is ntd, even if he is doing it out of spite, you can't have it both ways, you can't say someone has a problem then throw a tantrum when they address said problem and want them to drink again, it's weirdo behavior. Also the fact that he could just quit cold turkey like that without withdrawal or changes in mood and stuff shows he didn't have a problem to begin with.

[@TabbyWithMittens]

Tbh whether he’s an addict or not their responses was gross. They can’t have it both ways like you said. And if he WAS an addict, saying “why aren’t you drinking” to an addict just feels gross.

[@brit-tj]

Perfect timing 🥳 long ass day at work, time to chill

[@ipyu4705]

perfect to forget I'm sick as hell and still have work tomorrow :'( thank you shaaba for your radiant personality (is that the right expression ?)

[@shaaba]

nooo rest well, so sorry you still have to go in! manifesting rest for you ✨

[@Guro-Blue-kun]

Hey pinky Shaaba! I have been feeling terrible these days. Seeing you post a video at the start of the week helps lift my mood a bit. Thank you 💙 Have a great week!

[@shaaba]

sending hugs peach, it’s tough out here 💛🍑

[@Guro-Blue-kun]

@@shaaba Thanks! Best wishes to you and Jamie 🌈

[@geekygrl10]

My parents never gave me nor my siblings an allowance, but to be fair, there were six kids and we were very tight on money. Despite them trying their best, it has made it really hard for me to spend money, even though I i have it, just because of my childhood of never knowing when I will next get money. It has had the opposite effect on one of my brothers, who, now that he has a little money, spends it all because now he can. I don't blame my parents at all, they did their best, but it really has caused some issues for several of us.

[@leorosenthal]

For the drinking story, you're right that it's hard without knowing where the others are coming from, but I find it bizarre that they didn't encourage him to stay sober if that was what he was choosing. It's interesting that the spouse asked how long they'd be doing it for as if they knew it was some kind of stunt. It's also interesting if they claim it's not a big deal to them, but then come online and make a reddit post about it. I do think it all hints at a bigger issue.

[@darkstarr984]

First story, the husband is a massive problem, wife is not Edit: I stand firm in that because it just got more and more red flags as things went on, he’s so unbearably petty and hung up severely on nonsense! People like that are dangerously manipulative because they will attack someone for being sad, after deliberately doing things to make the person sad!

[@shannonking8298]

Story 2: I don't normally encourage lying, but I feel like husband could have just fibber a little and said he got it online? Would that have been wrong? I don't normally encourage lying, but I feel like this would have been a workaround. Or he could have just gotten online for real

[@lucialma]

Also, idk how it is other places but in the US it’s typically the high-end brands where the sales associates work on commission. I’ve been close with people who’ve worked for Louis Vuitton and Tiffany, and it’s very competitive.

[@armie4172]

With the bag one-a lot of stores that sell more expensive items will often give commissions to sales associates in the US. But dang, I wouldn’t deprive myself of something I really want just to spite the sales person. You’re just depriving yourself!

[@katrinadaly1755]

As someone who hasn’t ever drank (alcohol) - I’m 25 years old for reference. I was so worried that I’d be pressured by classmates and my friend groups to drink especially during high school and university (the legal drinking age is 18 here). I’m Autistic so peer pressure has never really affected me which I’m very thankful for, but I was worried that the young people around me would still push the issue. Most of my reasons for not drinking have to do with past trauma & childhood abuse which can be triggering for me if I have to bring those topics up, so it’s not really something I want to be telling random dorm mates or anyone who isn’t a very close friend. I decided I’d just say that my medications don’t react well with alcohol (which is also true) and that I’m just not comfortable drinking myself and leave it at that. I was sure that people would push, try to bargain or convince me to ‘just try it once’ type of thing but I was actually really surprised that 99% of people would easily accept my ‘no thanks I don’t drink’ as a full sentence & not push further. Considering we have a huge drinking culture here, that was actually very surprising. Even when I lived on campus at Uni in the dorm know for its parties & record number of binge drinking days in a row - I only ever had maybe 2 people ask me why I don’t drink or ‘if I was sure’ but no one took it further than that. To be honest everyone was a lot more upset that I don’t drink coffee, than me not drinking alcohol. I would like to think that it means the culture around drinking & peer pressure with young people and alcohol is changing. Interestingly enough the people who have pressured me to drink the most have been older colleagues (late 30’s & 40’s) & my older family members, whereas I’ve found younger people tend to just accept & respect your boundaries around drinking.

[@annabrown3337]

17:42 I'd go in pretty woman style and tell all the staff why I'm returning it, and if that S.A. approached me for the resale I'd turn and walk away 😂

[@ksk3368]

In the first case i will say that you're giving that guy the benefit of the doubt and as someone who had someone like that as a father, you really shouldn't be. Some red flags don't deserve exploring they deserve getting the hell away from.

[@Sporgut]

As someone who has had a drinking problem (but didn't develop a physical dependancy); waiting for when you can start again just to prove a point. That's addict behaviour. Speaking from experience.

[@taylorhallinan4636]

This is my first time coming across your page and I have to say how much I LOVE your hair

[@emrys7168]

Mother's maiden name as middle name used to be traditional in Scotland for the first born daughter. I'm an old fart and went to school with some girls who had middle names like Mary or Catherine and some whose middle names were Mackay or Bruce. I think it's a lovely way to keep names in a family history that would otherwise be lost.

[@bumbleanimation9162]

I will NEVER get tired of these!! Love you Shaaba❤️❤️

[@pasteldoll7274]

I feel a little confused by the drinking story why people are upset that he quit drinking if they genuinly thought he was drinking to much

[@Lizzy-e8b]

Happy monday Shaaba! I watched this with a cat sleeping on my foot 🥰

[@Katemccutcheon1246]

Discovered you through Jamie and I am loving your videos!

[@shaaba]

ahha he’s a good egg, welcome! 🍑✨

[@HobieInTheBox]

Alcohol OP is not the problem. Alcoholics dont 'just stop' drinking. And if they have an opinion on something as serious as alcohol consumption or alcoholism, THEY ought to express themselves better. "You seem to be drinking quite a lot" is such a cop out, like what are you trying to say. OP stopping drinking alcohol is not even doing anything wrong. He's making adjustments in his behaviour based on THEIR roundabout way of calling him an alcoholic. And THEY are upset?? Him not consuming alcohol isn't even petty. It's just making his friends realise and feel shame for the fact they told a grown man, in an assholish way, that he's a social drinker and how they dislike that. So they look like hypocrites for socially drinking themselves. That's what the shame stems from. Did OPs wording sound petty? Sure. But is he justified? Absolutely.

[@Lilsbils689]

24:07 I also don’t think that going out doesn’t necessarily has to cost anything because isn’t it just about the company anyways, as a teenager my friends and I don’t find it hard to hang out without cash especially because there’s literally nothing to do where I live anyways that we could spend our money on if we had any. So just saying it’s completely possible to hang out with friends without spending money unless it’s for transport or something but that’s cheap for students or people who need financial help anyway, where I live.

[@orionspero560]

Bin's sense is the difference between everybody sets here and not the asshole is whether op explained that until they apologized came out wrong. You correctly asked the question if the answer is, yes, they explained, and it's nta, if the answer is no, they did not explain, then it's everybody sets here

[@annabrown3337]

22:23 why is he "blowing through money" did they not teach him when he was young? My daughter had pocket money from 3 and an allowance from aged 8. We were tight for money, but her having a set amount saved us a fortune in the long run- she had money and had to save some back for parties/school discos/fetes etc. We did the odd treat (like day trips or giving her an extra fiver at a gift shop or tombola)

[@TabbyWithMittens]

Nah I disagree. Sure the OP in the last story could had worded things better, but my friends and wife go on to keep bringing up my drinking then when I decided to stop starts saying why I’m not drinking I would get frustrated too. Even if OP is an addict you don’t ask someone “WHY ARENT U DRINKING NOW?”. That’s just peer pressuring and mix messages. They clearly showed it’s not the health they are concerned about.

[@kateluvya]

Hey! My cool kid and his friends went to an aquarium for his birthday! They had a blast! (They confused our poor guide by calling everything, even the turtles and lizards, fish. Our guide was gently correcting them as they snickered. They're 15)

[@shaaba]

ahhh aquariums are my happy place, glad to hear the cool kids still go! 😂

[@christafranken9170]

Well, if you look at the evolutionary tree thing, the latest common ancestor of all the things we call fish, is also the ancestor of tetrapods, like turtles, lizards and humans. So, they're not as wrong as you may think 🤔

[@sandalaris]

If my friends told me I was drinking too much I'd either cut back or stop drinking all together and I wouldn't be offended. They know me best, and if they're seeing something I'm missing, I'd switch to mocktails. I do suffer from insomnia tied to anxiety and don't like taking sleeping meds (I've been prescribed by a doctor some, but they dont always work. My doctor says I can increase them, but I'm worried about becoming dependent on them) and will occasionally have a glass of wine before bed as wine makes me sleepy. That is what I'd miss the most, but I would find other ways to sleep if drinking ever became a concern of my friends.

[@AB-qt6uw]

Totally agree with the assessment of the last one, though I did get weird vibes from the friends asking about not drinking, but can see how it would be dependent on tone. My mom is a functioning alcoholic, and though it’s not uncommon for her to drink every day, even to the point of passing out when she gets into bed, she’s sometimes gone a couple of months without drinking, and then used that as “proof” she doesn’t have a problem, when the problem is that alcohol is her unhealthy coping mechanism, however often she chooses to implement it as such. Because of this, I think the fact that OP using temporary sobriety as a means to “prove” he doesn’t have a problem could possibly be indicative of personal denial of reliance on alcohol, even if it is sporadic with binging sessions instead of chronic, as pointed out by one of the commenters Shaaba read out.