"Should I Feel Sorry For My Parent or Me?" Emotionally Immature Parents |Psychotherapy Crash Course

#trauma #childhoodtrauma #adultchildren
Sometimes it may be difficult to figure out if you should feel sorry for your parent or for yourself. If you've lived a life of feeling unheard, unloved, disregarded, ignored, minimized, and abused by your emotionally immature parent it is easy to see that you were the victim. But what if your parent experienced intergenerational trauma? Are they the victim too? In an article written for ABC at least 91%of parents had at least 1 adverse childhood experience (found in a study done by Anne-Marie Conn, a researcher at the University of Rochester Medical Center). Some emotionally immature parents suffered from their own traumas, behavioral problems, and mental illnesses.
This is not to justify their behavior by any means. But it is important that we understand where some of the immature behavior is stemming from. Sadly, innocent children who are brought into this world have no idea what kind of parent they have until they become more aware of the world around them. This may take months, years, or even decades!
In this video, I discuss signs that you may have had an emotionally immature parent and some of the common behaviors you are likely to see.
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DISCUSSED IN THIS VIDEO:
Intro 0:00
What you should know 1:27
Third category of parental type 3:12
*WHAT DO THESE PARENTS DO:
They cover emotional/sexual incest 3:44
Physical abuse or domestic violence 4:46
Detrimental impulsivity 5:40
Severe or poor mental health 7:00
Triangulation & favoritism 7:52
Inappropriate intrusion 8:31
Dynamics of a parentified child 9:13
Reality shifting (another form of gas lighting) 9:35
Repeated invalidation 10:15
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DISCLAIMER:
*Videos are provided for exploration and educational purposes only and does not constitute clinical suggestions or consultation for individual cases.
If you or someone you know is having a medical emergency involving harm to self, please reach out to the suicide prevention hotline suicideprevent....
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----Contact me-------(BUSINESS INQUIRIES ONLY)
I'm Támara, a licensed and internationally/Board certified trauma mental health therapist, with over 12 years experience. I specialize in helping children, teens, and families with mental illness. I also treat psychological/emotional trauma in children, teens, and adults.
If you'd like to contact me or inquire about my international consultations, you may email me at [e-mail]. *Please note: all consultations are charged a fixed rate fee based on the case content.
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[@polyglotta1]

I was hurt by all of these behaviours but the one that's taking me the longest to recover from is reality shifting. If you've always had your version of reality invalidated by the people that raised you it can be a daily battle to learn to trust yourself.

[@amto87]

Omg yes!!! EXACTLY how I feel!

[@TheShamuraja]

You can switch by writing or recording yourself or talking to other people like friends, therapists, mentors. And I really don't mean only the negative facts about what happened, but the daily affirmations of how you see yourself, your achievements, your outlook on life, your knowledge ect. Because after your reality gets turned around it gets filled with the projections of those people and one has to kind of take the time to clean out the toxic waste. If you get distance, establish yourself you still can talk from that point of view and with harder or more secure boundaries. You will be able to tell her where the manipulation should stop. And even be more loving but firm.

[@vadimchevvie]

Oof, that's what I am dealing with right now. Sometimes it meddles with trusting your general situation (as in, who I am, what I do, where I live - is it what I chose or am I stuck/do not see other routes?).

[@honeybeejourney]

Man, do I get that.

[@honeybeejourney]

@@vadimchevvie True.

[@truth4utoda]

These kind of parents are so harmful to adult children. Do they ever get better? In my experience they are awful at any age in the child's life.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Yes, I agree. They are harmful because they cannot see themselves in the light they need to. Some parents get better, while others do not. It really depends on the person and whether they have a personality disorder or not.

[@exposingthetruth6819]

Hi, I agree with you. Having these scpecific type of parents can be harmful on the children and adults children and it doesn't seem like they like to acknowledge it. I know some toxic parents who are seniors and their toxicity increased as they age. Their mental capabilities seems to get even more immature and meaner, as they get older. They seem to lack patience as they get in their senior years and it is horrible. No one should ever have to experience this treatment, child or adult child.

[@susieq3590]

My mother is 85 and still acts like a mean 7-year-old girl.

[@pattycannon1804]

My mother groomed me and my sisters to neglect our needs to help others I’m determined to become the polar opposite of who she is when it comes to thinking, action, behavior and character. My mother shows major signs of a emotionally immature parent. Being raised by a abusive parent with abandonment issues is really hard they want you to stay near them 24/7 you have no freedom to explore and enjoy your life. Everyday I’m learning how to give my inner child unconditional love,support and respect.🦋

[@TheShamuraja]

Yes, but still I believe we need some security to be able to explore. So I hope you can get yourself a safety net somehow, in order to feel at ease and not to over compentase. But oh well, sometimes those things happen and we rely too much on ourselves. Wishing you all the best

[@thesinghchauhan2634]

All those credentials you suffix your name with, totally reflect in the passion you speak with. Tamara, you sound so precise. I am originally from India and I can say with confidence that emotional immaturity is extremely common in Indian parents. You just enlightened me ! Thanks so much.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

🤭💖 Thank you! And you're welcome!! My family is part Native American Indian and I do agree this is common. I've seen it growing up.

[@cakelove3164]

It’s painful to realize my mom meets all the criteria

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm sorry to hear this. Yes, it is. The only hope left here is to believe that as the parent grows older they will grow, change, and see their own behaviors as unnecessary. Some people "grow up" and others get worse. It's hard to say.

[@cakelove3164]

@@TherapistTamaraHill thanks for your reply. No wonder my mom’s situation in her 20s 30s was more severe than now.

[@honeybeejourney]

Same here.

[@mindislife]

When I was interested in a property to renovate and do Airbnb, I told my mum. What happened was she lost her temper, and my dad too, saying nobody will manage for you, people will cheat you, your cleaner or manager will rent out himself etc. The worst is they act so angry, shouting about it. While my dad has 6 apartments that he did not care to manage, left it to my elder bro to manage for him, my bro didn't want to manage it and threw it to an agent who took all the rented and told them that all of the units are not rented in 15 years. Ridiculous, lost half a million dollars in rental.

[@sunflowerheather7019]

Right on point. Watching toxic family members next. Thank you!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Welcome! Glad this is helpful.

[@prodbytayofficial]

At 19..20 this year. Since 9th grade I’ve been dealing with a narcissist alcoholic emotionally abusive mother. She wasn’t always this way, a man brought these tactics on her, then left her out to dry with a new baby. I watched it all, it left her with a drinking problem that led me to finding my way to cope which for a moment in my life was xannax, I’m still struggling with that. I can’t be in a relationship with anybody because after a while I get toxic and have 0 idea why. I often feel like a broken record, repeating what I say to people who overlook and discourage what I say or do. My self esteem was so low, I had the world in my hands and lost it to self doubt. It hurts to go to sleep, waking up I instantly worry about my day. I’m broken, I’m figuring it all out by myself, working part time still under the same abuse I’ve learned to distance myself but I’m afraid she’s reading through my self awareness and it’s started to get physical recently.. I don’t wanna be another suicide hotline example or give in, slowly but surely I’m trying to fix myself by myself.

[@slimdusty6328]

💖 So sorry to hear this. Our love and understanding, to you, from all of us. Kia kaha !!

[@dangdeionn]

You’re NOT alone. You got this . Do what you gotta do to get out fast

[@paztururututu4864]

Hey! Keep going brother! I hope you can heal yourself, brother. I wish you good luck and that you find your good way to heal and be veery happy! ❤ 💪

[@user-os5xj7ce4k]

My parents were just insane. My mom was a alcoholic and a narcissist. She died when I was 10. My Dad was a functioning alcoholic, wife beater, controler, violent..and then mellowed a bit in his 60s but then got a 35 year old gf a penile implant and staryed shooting up drugs. Not a good time

[@frankieroberson3398]

Grace & Peace Tamara Hill/Everyone

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Hi Fankie! Same to you. Thank you!

[@nggirl]

Wow this is crazy!. I didn’t realise this was a thing. My dad is nearly everyone of these. I am going to have to contact you. X

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm glad this was helpful. It is scary when you realize your parent fits this description.

[@cjrodgers3922]

Sometimes we focus on the parent that did all the doing (my dad got all too and it was obvious ) but where does mum fit??? Only just realised my mum fits this too but she was more passive while dad was loud and stronge. Sometimes mums are playing there part by allowing dad to do his part . Mums need to protect us but they stand back and do nothing but that means you don’t focus on mum . Mum plays apart you just got to see where !

[@scarlettbittle3898]

I wish I could show this video to my mom without her getting mad. I just want her to know what she does hurts me and my brother.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm sure. I'm sorry to hear this. It may be a truth that you have to keep to yourself right now in order to keep the peace or avoid a confrontation. Perhaps one day she will be open to what you have to say --- and maybe, never. But that means that you will have to find peace within yourself. I will be talking about that coming up on Friday live chat. I welcome you!

[@amanytalaat7044]

My mom had anxiety and ocd and she would never acknowledge that she needs a help ....with a dependent passive father and a highly dependent paranoid mother i grew up with ocd and high dependency that i suffer from alot ..i feel always insufficient and have a low self esteem...i have always thought that my older brother is better than at all conditions..i grew up in a house that doesn't know the mean of peace ..always mom and dad had argued and my dad was so weak ...when my brother abuses me i don't see a fullfil reaction from them and that gave some masochistic traits they are the definition of immatureness

[@kellyburgess671]

i had this coming from 2 sides...my mom and my step mom...im seeing a physiatrist and getting the help i need, but you have been giving me so much information that is really helping to valid me....TY!

[@kellyburgess671]

what made me listen was the title...im always feeling so bad because i have had to completely cut them out of my life...but im finally doing so well...and after 2.5 years im finally seeing the truth... i suppose ill always feel sad b/c i love them, but im not going to sacrifice myself for them anymore ...

[@cjrodgers3922]

@@kellyburgess671 feels like comming out of a cult . We have Tamara to unbrainwash us and heal our minds

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

☺♥💞 I'm glad I can help! You guys heal me too...believe it or not!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Kelly, I'm so sorry. That is terrible and it's rather traumatic to have both parents like this. One is enough! I'm glad you have someone to help you through this who can also prescribe! Medication is someone needed to rest through the pain. And I'm glad you are on the channel too.

[@jaycee3177]

I didnt know emotionally immature/unavailable parents could cause BPD. I was diagnosed by three separate mental health professionals, but I denied the possibility because I had no trauma in my past.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I should clarify that not always but in some families where parents are invalidating and potentially abusive - intentionally or unintentionally -- BPD can be a consequence. BPD doesn't always come about when there is trauma in one's history as well. That's only one "requirement" for the diagnosis that isn't always met.

[@user-os5xj7ce4k]

I was diagnosed with CPTSD but BPD is so similar. Is there key differences?

[@cjrodgers3922]

Please can you talk about this one time . My mother always goes well I didn’t no any better or I didn’t have the knowledge or skills because of my desfunctional childhood. But why is it that the same thing happens to children via repeated history how come they don’t grow up to repeat and with out skills and knowledge. If they didn’t have it like there mother didn’t gave it . How come some kids grow up to have it . Like myself I choose a lot different but where did I get that from . Where my mum couldn’t find it .same upbringing !!

[@TheShamuraja]

Different surroundings, different resources and skills we acquire through interaction in the world. Nowadays we have the gift of being more mobile and being able to interact with more people, so our psychological space can be filled with completely different things, feelings, outlooks.

[@fortellastaton7920]

It's based on our personalities. Most people repeat their experiences, even the ones they didn't like. But we made a conscious decision, I made mine as a child to be completely different, and although it wasn't 100% different, I am still very much different from the donors.

[@taurusgoddess4447]

Thanks. Coming from this household. I'm scared of becoming this way with my son. I'm a single parent and we are like best friends. But not in a overbearing way. I give him privacy and let him be a kid. But I do talk about real things with him. I pray that I push him in the right direction and don't scar him in anyway.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

It's good that you have some doubts and fears around this because you may become more aware of what's appropriate to share with him and what's not. The reality is that you cannot be "best friends" with your son. You can be "friends" in terms of supporting and loving encounters, open communication, and enjoying each other's presence. But you cannot (as I'm sure you are aware of) lower your authority to be on his level so you can connect or "be friends." There's always going to be a power-differential in the relationship because you are mom. Maybe think of it this way: I love children! They are the best and I love getting to know them through my work, playing games with them, and being a mentor. But I know I cannot "hang out" with them and call them my "bud." We are not buds! But the relationship between the child and I can be that of loving, compassionate, open communication and mutual respect.

[@taurusgoddess4447]

@@TherapistTamaraHill thank you so much. I truly appreciate you responding and understanding where I'm coming from. It's been hard being the authority figure and being compassionate and his friend so he will be open and honest and share whats deep within him but I finally get it. I have to be balanced with my approach. Thanks again ❤

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome! It's hard being a parent. We just do the best we can. Sometimes that's enough.

[@15daboss]

I’m so thankful to have found your channel! Both my parents conceived me young, (father was 12/13, mom was 14 when I was born) but my mom ALWAYS showed herself as being my mom. My dad…not so much. I still deal with a lot of emotional trauma and this video really explained a lot! Now that my mom has passed (which was and is very hard to cope and deal with) I feel like an orphan. My mom was a true parent and was so selfless. My dad is selfish and for the longest, everything is about him. Not about his kids. Lately I just deal with him when I want and we’ve gotten into it numerous times because of his alcoholism and his blatant disregard for his kids. I know my grandad was an awful parent and I feel like we are all paying for that. I’m going to continue to check out your vids! Thank you for this info.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Welcome to the channel! And you're welcome. Thank you!! I'm very sorry for your loss. It's hard and having lost my grandmother (the leader of my family) last year I understand the emptiness and the void. Sadly, that loss can feel so much deeper when your other parent isn't able to love or care about you. Distance from these family members is often the best approach.

[@15daboss]

@@TherapistTamaraHill thank you so much for more feedback! I was feeling guilty about stepping back but now that I read this I think I can finally just be at peace with my decision. I just want to protect myself from further trauma. I’m so sorry for ur loss as well, my grandma has filled in that role for me as well. She is one person that has really been there since my mom passed. I can understand how that would hurt, God forbid anything happens to my grandma.

[@erica6147]

I’m so happy I found your channel. Wow thank you so much.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Welcome to the channel! You're welcome. And thank you. 🙂

[@mexylefty8446]

Thank you so much for this video! These clips help piece together a lot of my childhood and why I have certain behaviors and if they can be changed. Thanks for the help.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome!! And thank you. Glad this is helpful to you.

[@alchemyarts3490]

💙🙏🏼🙏🏿🙏🦋 Much appreciated!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

🤗 You're welcome! And thank you!!

[@carlatorres4994]

So glad I found you 😊

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

So sweet!! Thank you. And welcome to the channel.

[@naemasufi7588]

Yay top lady, I do not know why you are a hidden treasure xxx

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thanks so much! ☺😇

[@kabir9743]

Thank god i found this channel ..Thank u ☺️

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Welcome! And thank you!!

[@JoshuaAnzalone-zk5ht]

Your parents know right from wrong and they have no right to hold past mistakes against you because they helped you. That is immature already in itself alone. I love my father with everything but I refuse to tolerate abuse and gaslighting just because he's my father. Hell nooooo

[@MasayaTina]

Peace to you Queen

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

💖Thank you love! You too!

[@cjrodgers3922]

Thanks for answering 3rd parent although it’s a small part of bigger picture . It’s something that only came to me as an adult . The hide part to the world was what my parents were so do good at . I describe it as they tricked the outside world into thinking there children ( myself) were getting all the love and nurturing when it was the opposite. Daily traumatising us and lonelyness . Even as far as violent outburst just seconds before going out the door for night shift only to arrive at work to say we are so proud of our girls or look you daughter is doing this and that . While I’m at home trying to plan suicide. Thanks for explaining that

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome Cj! Daily trauma and loneliness is often at the foundation of PTSD for adults who have had traumatic childhoods. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. This parent needed obvious help. They are good at facades. My grandmother used to say "you can fool some of the people some of the time, but you cannot full all of the people all of the time." In other words, someone will find them out!

[@cjrodgers3922]

@@TherapistTamaraHill yeah your grandma was right . You can fool people forever. My daughter wise beyond her years said to me recently why is everyone other than you mum are sick with mental illness . She said I must of had a strong mind cause as she has got to no family like my parents the more she sees it . As in she looks past the 3rd parents ideals. She said just last week mum I love nanny and granddad but the games up why are they still trying to cover up or pretend nothing to see here everything is normal . I wish I had of figured things out like she has at her age .

[@cjrodgers3922]

Not fool forever lol

[@dinah2610]

Thank you Dr. I totally appreciate this video. It validated a lot of my toxic parents behavior. Question is how would a therapist treat me from these traumatic injuries? What common methods of treatment should I be looking with a therapist? I’m looking for a general idea as I’m sure this could be different for each individual, I just don’t want to be taken for a long ride by a therapist who could be milking the situation.

[@dangdeionn]

Yes that twerking mess kills me

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Yes! 🤭

[@AlbertaGengar]

Thank you for sharing !

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

My pleasure! Thanks for watching!

[@amethystgacha4697]

I’ve always known that my parents are emotionally immature, but this video made me notice how much more there is to an emotionally immature parents, and that my parents fit into almost all of these points you’re talking about (except the domestic abuse part). My little brother treats my older sister more as a mother and has told me that he prefers her more than my mum because of how often my sister had to look after my brother (my mum would leave the house and my dad would stay in the shed he made in his shed), and it’s kinds sad

[@cecillelopez7487]

So the answer is no, I should not feel bad for them bc they failed me

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Well, that depends on the dynamics of the situation. But if there is clear disregard for your well-being, then, yes.

[@Lyburtus]

How to make a Borderline child? Add all the above & stir...

[@yanimadeit]

Thank you so much for this

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome!!

[@SavageBear_YT]

Thank you for your video!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome!

[@paztururututu4864]

Thank you Támara!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome! And thank you for watching. :)

[@paztururututu4864]

@@TherapistTamaraHill :)))

[@kusha6466]

What to do my mother is emotionally unstable and she always have temper tantrums and it is hard for me to talk to her she dont know how to handle conflicts and she always yells like she had tarecks syndrome and uses my feelings against me an always controlling me out my name and not a grandmother towards my kids sometimes And uses sympathy to gain attention And act childish an mean at times shes like a light switch and sometimes careless with her grandkids my family is all of that but me

[@fortellastaton7920]

Just reading this was difficult, so I know it's emotionally and mentally taxing for you. To this extreme, I wouldn't deal with her at all! I would go no contact! Life is hard enough; we don't need toxic people in our lives, no matter who they are!

[@Ellie-qq9zm]

What if one parent is really great while the other is not? How can you distance from one without distancing from the other?

[@sarahlee6976]

Hi Tamara, Im so happy i found you and your channel. I watched ur video Identifying Psychopathic Mothers- Psychotherapy Crash Course and alot the traits my mother exhibits. You mentioned that the best way is to distance yourself from the parent. However, I still love my mum and want to help her. How do i do that without getting dangerously close? Thanks so much and appreciate it so much

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you for watching and for your kind comment! I'm really glad that this is helpful to you. You bring up a really good point and I don't know if I have the answer yet because many of my colleagues are also stumped at this. In cases like this I have suggested my client keep a good emotional distance and try to learn as much as they can about the parent. The more knowledge you have the stronger you will be against any attack that they may unleash on you. Another thing is to get into your own psychotherapy and learn ways to manage your mother's reactions and behaviors. Another suggestion would be to come to terms with the reality that she may never reach out for help 😔. The best that you can do is show her how much you love her as much as you can without harming yourself and then make some suggestions to her on treatment options or things available to support her. And then step away. It's so much easier said than done.

[@sarahlee6976]

@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you so much for your reply. It has really been insightful to get a 3rd persons perspective. I will take ur advice and thank you again for sharing these vidoes, it is so so helpful and im sure everyone appreciates your knowledge and time

[@drebugsita]

Oh wow, I need to watch those. Mine is so so toxic and she's worse and more controlling now as the holidays are approaching. The invalidation and gaslighting she puts me through is gut wrenching.

[@drebugsita]

@@TherapistTamaraHill I tried suggesting therapy to my mom - in the context of her medically unexplained stress rashes. The first time she seemed open but now, many months later, she retaliated against me for it. It is mind boggling the mental gymnastics she goes through to spin things against me, especially given I go to therapy and yet she attempted to frame my attempt to help her as me being "one sided." She wrote me an angry and condescending text. I really feel like I am always in a catch 22 with her, unless I submit to her every will, but that would be very detrimental to my mental health and I would just be a puppet, like my sister is. And even then I would remain her scapegoat. I know, because I have tried that route. It feels so futile, so depressing.

[@kallejahrollins4668]

Hello, I'm so glad I found your channel. Thank you so much 💓 I heard you say triangulation..don't narcissist do that as well?

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Welcome to the channel! Glad to have you. And you are right, narcissists like to triangulate and manipulate. I will be talking about this a bit more live on Friday, 6:25pm est. I welcome you!

[@elreiner9760]

Hi, me my sis and mom just told to my father that we are leaving him for mom and go to her apartment to live, we have our obvious reasons since he's immature and narcissistic, and we lived a really toxic life. He say a few words and he went to his room, i saw him looking at the floor and ask him to be ok and that we wanted to try something new. And he seemed shoked and started crying and saying words... That he worked hard and show me his dirty hands after work (i was sad watching that) and that like we didn't accept him like he is. Then he say me to not feel guilty and that I'll not stop being his son. Then I leave the room. But idk what to think right now. We never had time for us to talk about the real reasons and well I was always expecting him to start a conversation but he never did. thought my neglecting behavior was enough for him to ask me what I feel. But he never did. I feel so sad and guilty right now... I don't know if I should "understand" him and that he may have a psychological issue or he is just narcissist... I care about him but I want a new life and I don't want him to feel like that either, and leaving him all alone... I don't know what to do and I wish you could help me pls. Thanks...

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. This is the kind of complicated situation that requires the careful eye and evaluation of a therapist. I cannot provide you with answers because I don't have the full situation in front of me. However, I do encourage you to consider psychotherapy to help you manage your father/parent and the feelings associated with this relationship. It is obvious there is deep unresolved issues here and you will certainly need support to unravel some of this and build boundaries for yourself. Take care

[@betanialacoste7945]

I have stranger neighbors this toxic & intrusive.

[@ella.q366]

you are right it works everytime. that's the fkd up part.

[@dangdeionn]

Are you available for booking ? I need a therapist

[@amto87]

I second this

[@truecrimes1435]

So should we feel sorry for them or not?

[@katkatkat5]

Yeah

[@honeybeejourney]

No, absolutely not.

[@twai2623]

My mother falls into nearly all of these categories and I can honest to God feel the life sap out of me everyday i continue to live with her. she has asked me to leave multiple times already, only to suddenly be in too much pain to move the next minute. What holds me back is my father. He's disabled, mom doesn't spare any day to remind him that he's a burden. If I leave, he'll be left to take the brunt on her hysteric madness. But if I don't leave I'll lose my mind all the same. What do you suggest I do?

[@sophiavogel5998]

Save money, get a lease, and take your father with you.

[@CP-fw7lt]

You are Beautiful 😍

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

😊 thank you

[@machumak4915]

😢

[@matilda4406]

are you INFJ?