Should you be single to heal the fearful avoidant attachment style

Shouldn’t I be healed before I get into a relationship? I get this question a lot. The main answer is: no. I’m going to talk about it in this video!
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WHAT IS FEARFUL AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE?
• Understanding Fearful ...
HOW TO HEAL THE FEARFUL AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE: • Healing Fearful Avoida...
THE ONE THING I DID TO HEAL:
• The 1 thing I did to h...
SUBSCRIBE TO THIS CHANNEL
kzbin.info/door/1HE...
6 LESSER KNOWN CAUSES OF FEARFUL AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE www.youtube.com/watch?v=-yDPq...
-- CONTENTS --
00:00 Intro
01:07 Learning and growing in a relationship
03:15 For a fearful avoidant it can be much
05:17 You will get triggerd in a relationship and that’s ok
06:23 Taking responsabilty that you always treat your partner with respect
11:14 Genuinely work on getting better and healing
11:56 Releasing your pain
#healing #fearfulavoidant #relationship #single #paulientimmer

[@Stella-cv4mc]

I agree, being in a healthy, loving relationship is honestly the best way to heal FA. Being single helps heal the anxious side, but then to heal the avoidant side it's almost necessary to be in close connection with someone. At least that was my experience. When I started healing I was single for 1 year and did a lot of uprooting, understanding myself better, unlearning codependency. But in the end I really needed a close intimate relationship with someone who loved me in order to develop a secure attachment strategy... But what's important is to not enter into a relationship with a toxic individual! Also dating Dismissive Avoidants (who aren't actively and diligently working on themselves) would be a bad idea because they constantly make one feel rejected lol. Yeah those are my 2 cents haha

[@jlopezyto]

100% agree!

[@dan-arebjrngrnvik3513]

Did you kinda treat it like you had two different attachment styles and had to focus on one at he time? I'm asking to kinda get a sense of the steps I need to take to move from FA to securely attached. :)

[@morehn]

Your comment is worth more than 2 cents

[@Stella-cv4mc]

@@dan-arebjrngrnvik3513 Hi! So to be honest, I just tried to take care of the situations I was in. So for example: When I was single (and whenever I was alone, really) I used that as an opportunity to feel my emotions and develop emotional literacy. When loneliness, grief, sadness, desperation and any other emotions came up, I just tried to really feel them as deeply as possible, process them, cry for them... It was an effort to become more "emotional available to myself", training myself to not be emotionally dependent on other people for that. And then whenever I was around people, I then used that as an opportunity to show up to them more authentically, not play the avoidant "mask-game" so much and also not abandon myself in the process. I hope I'm explaining well what I mean haha! Essentially I just tried to observe which extreme (anxious or avoidant) emotionally came up with me in different situations and then deal with them accordingly, taking advantage of the opportunities the respective situation provided! If you have more questions feel free to ask :))

[@Stella-cv4mc]

@@morehn thank you, I'm glad! :))

[@kimbirchall5793]

Oh gosh I have so much guilt over my last relationship, I basically dated the safest, most secure person in my social circle...but still ended up doing the intense push/pull with him. He eventually told me he couldn't see a future with me and that spiralled me down into a terrible fear that if this person rejects me then I must be completely broken. Now I'm just terrified to even date again. I discovered fearful avoidant about 5 months ago and it makes so much sense...but I'm more scared than before now I know what I am, it was better when I thought it was because of them! 😭

[@adamarmstrong9408]

I had exactly the same experience as you ,I thought I was broken that made me depressed ,but the break up I had was a blessing in disguise it showed me what to work on

[@LaniBeanz]

Sometimes ignorance isn’t bliss because you would’ve kept experiencing bad relationship patterns! You can look at this healing journey as a new project for the new year! Good luck 🍀

[@ajourneythroughmecca]

I commit to not be cruel to my partner 🙏🏽

[@tinywhiskers30]

I thought I had to be single to completely heal before going into a relationship, my jaw dropped. Hard pill to swallow but a truth i needed to hear!

[@FilmsByDan]

Love you. Thank you for sharing so I could understand my ex better. I have more compassion towards her.

[@love_kiwee]

oh my gosh... im an FA and my partner is AP. we have very deep love for each other and we are also consistently struggling to have balance and stability together. i feel so overwhelmed with this all and am not sure how the heck we can both heal and become securely attached while staying together, because we are both triggering each other consistently every single day. please make a video on how these two styles can effectively heal while staying together

[@cascadeoracle6633]

I recently found out im FA (Thought I was AA for yrs) as i entered a relationship with my wonderful and secure boyfriend. It is hard at times but im working on myself to become a more secure and loving partner. as you stated that the triggers come up in a relationship because honestly i never knew i was FA when single so for me working on myself is best while in a relationship ❤

[@dan-arebjrngrnvik3513]

But what if you're to afraid to get into a relationship in the first place?

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Then that's a fear worth to be worked on :) Step by step!

[@valeweathers]

Well,I certainly hope you can still heal, when single

[@kittenkats]

What if we ruined our chance for a secure relationship with a secure partner already? How can we get into a new relationship when we’re terrified of ruining another relationship and even terrified of dating?

[@kosar388]

As a fearful avoidant are the negative things we see in our partner (a secure and caring one ) real and should we breakup for them or just the result of the attachment style and normal to tolerate?

[@riittakorpipaa4714]

Wise words, thank you so much. I am 56 and only lately have realized I am FA (also somewhat anxious). My FA has triggered in my marriage very badly already for 19 years. For some time now we have discussed divorce and it is very close now. I feel I could with time come to grips with my FA, but the main trigger at this point is that my husband does not understand my problem very well. He easily sees me only as a very bad person and does not know how to support me although I am in therapy now and I have been gradually working on myself for a year. I really do not know if this marriage could help me heal myself. At this age divorce feels like a bad idea.

[@zzulm]

Thank you I always say that there is a bitch inside of me because when I'm in pain it's too overwhelming and I hurt others when I don't want to noticing this has helped me prioritize owning my feelings.

[@francoislatreille6068]

the issue is GETTING IN to a relationship. I'm fucked.

[@lorirobinson4665]

There is something that I would like you to touch on I'm at a point in my life where I am really down as a FA I'm not sure why all I want to do I sleep I don't feel motivated

[@zoso1980]

It is interesting to consider, I'm nearly 50, and I've felt a change ongoing. As if a permanent detachment from humanity, and more alarmingly an attitude of, 'this is just how it is.' Through life experience and the pain of rejections, I withdrew from relationships after about 19, only to dabble in them once or twice afterward. I don't think I have it in me to want to work on my distancing of relationships. I've accepted the cold loneliness, and make the best of it. Do you go into something just for the growth and put up with the pain to get to that growth? I'd lean towards no. Thus, you do the best you can, try to leave the world better than you started with it, but in the end, intimacy and relationships will always be the stuff of theory and not practical application.

[@trystiancarbonaro]

What if I already lost my secure partner

[@shaho3125]

Then you try again. Don't give up.

[@thehappiness2741]

Even though i am not in a relationship i want and to heal in order to have a more fullfilling life for me and also feeling deep connections with my family and my friends and actually i am working on it But i have that feeling that i shall be single during this journay as i don't want any further trauma or in other words i feel like at that period my choices are not fully confidential by me as myself i am searching and evolving the truth and love maybe i can do it in other aspects but i feel the romantic relationships is off for me at this period u feel that this is not now much safer to me I guess i am still afraid form that as my concept about the relationships are not the best and i have inappropriate toxic ideas about that from the society and the methods of education and that is completely normal and i am wanting and working to accept that

[@francoislatreille6068]

it's so weird this discourse that being in a relationship is a choice, as if if I wanted to be in one tomorrow I would just have to turn around and be in one... I don't get it

[@ritwikkapur3377]

Slight disagreement here. The other person in the relationship can develop trauma because of the FA’s need for control. While empathy is fine, love is there but if someone pushes you away, disrespects you, isn’t ready to even acknowledge their own role in the sabotage, every self respecting individual will walk away. You need to be aware of who you are and what you bring to the table before you think of dating. That is a humane thing to do.

[@nikstar1313]

I absolutely love your work but I actually respectfully disagree this one little time Paulien and I am really passionate about feeling that we need and should be alone with our core wounds and inner child to do this type of work without any collateral damage. I feel that before we even think of putting any one else through our confusing fearful avoidant attachment issues caused by the narcissist abuse in our family of origin, we need to do what you’re suggesting to heal and not put others through a “push pull” unintentional mind game if we aren’t close to healing. I see it as a bit of a trauma bond. I see a success story with you and your man though and it still blows my mind. I wonder how you both did it. This is just my opinion anyway and I could and am very open to being incorrect ❤️🙏

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Nikki I agree! I'm not sure how I worded it in the video, but I think there's a lot of healing that can, and maybe even should, be done by yourself. Even though it sucks so much to have this trauma, be exhausted, struggle so much, you also need to take responsibility for your behavior and actions. I love you for seeing that, and taking that responsibility. What I made this video for is for the numerous questions I get, almost on a daily basis, from people that are in a relationship and question whether they should break up because they can only then work on themselves. And I don't think that's the case, since that whole question can just be a fearbrain trick to tell you: whatever you are doing now, whatever you are healing now, doesn't matter, because you should be single to really heal this attachment style. And that's not true! If you happen to be single while finding out you're FA, please do heal to the point where you can be respectful towards a partner. But if you are already in a relationship, you don't HAVE to break up to heal this. I think the last bit of healing will always come in a relationship, because it's hard to work through these triggers when you are single. I hope this makes sense, thank you for this comment Nikki!

[@nikstar1313]

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 Absolutely, it totally makes sense, you are so amazing at what you do, please don’t stop, you are helping so many people and empowering them to fix and heal their attachment trauma in a way that nobody else provides on KZbin. Thank you again for all your work Paulien 🙏❤️

[@sunbeam9222]

I stayed single and worked on myself for many years. I'm now 66% secure. And tbh I hardly ever get triggered by general relationships. It's still definitely not 100% tho lol, so yes I do believe once we get secure " enough" getting in an intimate relationship helps facing those remaining triggers and improve growth. But if we're still very much unbalanced, there id much room to sort out some basics on our own.