Situationships: They're 'not ready'

Julia writes, “Hi, dear Susan! I admire your work! You helped a lot of people and I hope you could help me. I'm dating a man about 3 months, we spent a lot of time together, he met my friends. He said he liked me and admires me. For me it all seemed like something exclusive. But recently, we had conversation and he said he isn't ready for a relationship. He wants to look around. What should I do?”
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[@TheGabrielberki]

If they say they didn’t mean to ‘lead you on’ or ‘you deserve better’ just run away.

[@SusanWinter]

Gabriel, that is correct

[@lisaariottiart]

🏃🏼‍♀️🏃🏼‍♀️🏃🏼‍♀️🏃🏼‍♀️🏃🏼‍♀️🏃🏼‍♀️

[@sicarius.m1]

How come? Really wondering

[@fatcatontario]

He is not that into her, but loves whatever she provides at the moment. Don't waste your precious time on being a placeholder for no one. Sorry if this is coming off as harsh, but he is not a good person for doing this!!!

[@SusanWinter]

Perfect! You have it right on the money

[@Sunshine-gm5dc]

So true!

[@samco63]

I don’t understand this placeholder thing. It’s so upsetting. Often they seem to settle down with someone more messy, and who just bow to their every whim in my experience.

[@fatcatontario]

@@samco63 it really speaks volumes about a person and what they want out of a relationship. If anyone is not providing me with clarity and committment (aka meets me on my level) I thank them for their time and walk away. I see this as utmost disrespect.

[@samco63]

@@fatcatontario I wish I was strong enough to do this but I get into this cycle of wondering why I’m not good enough to commit to and the next person is. How do you deal with that

[@LisaGemini]

Susan, this casual situationship trend is annoying. That's why you have to lay all your cards on the table and explain what a relationship means to you. A lot of people are not dating intentionally or seriously. They're looking for validation and want to stroke their egos. I love how you put it , like leasing a car! 😆

[@SusanWinter]

I agree! Intentions and expectations have to be discussed right away in order to avoid wasting each other’s time

[@desertrose111]

Test driving a car without declaring it and took away your right to make informed decisions. At least leasing a car is mutually agreed. 🙂

[@auser2721]

The best revenge for your exes - just never think about them again

[@SusanWinter]

Don’t let them live rent free inside your head!

[@samco63]

How do you stop thinking about them though! I just ended a situationship and I can’t help internalise that I just wasn’t “good enough”

[@janeygibbs9481]

​@@samco63 I have yet to find anything that works quicker than time itself.. Give it time that's the only option

[@samco63]

@@janeygibbs9481 💜

[@mikyl-fo8rh]

​@samco6884 take offense of the fact that they dated you for kicks, but they didn't value you enough to commit. You must elevate their unloving behavior over your love for them. Forgive them but whenever you think of them, remember how they hurt you.

[@briechilli4496]

I was specific with my new man and he agreed, then led me on to until his “he is not ready”. Such games hurt.

[@SusanWinter]

Brie, so sorry that he let you down. But congrats on being able to express yourself- it enabled you to get the resolution you need.

[@Sunshine-gm5dc]

You are amazing!

[@jeanp.1303]

Look around???? Help him look as you show him the door.

[@multilingualmind778]

thank you Susan. excatly, the online dating objectifies people, makes people to products.. two years ago I dated a guy, we talked every day intensively, we went on dates, cooked together, slept together etc. he kept repeating that we were a perfect match. the moment I told him that I felt bothered with his ex visiting him every day he told me I DIDN´T KNOW THAT YOU WANTED A RELATIONSHIP. wth? if you need a company use an escort agency, not emotionally normal people! the world is truely f..d up

[@SusanWinter]

This is where people lie to themselves. Your partner did everything to make himself look like a boyfriend. Everything. And it was indeed a relationship. But it’s unfair to not be willing to listen to the other persons feelings. And when he had to actually “work” at the relationship and sort things out and put them back in balance, to his inconvenience, he rebelled.

[@lisaariottiart]

Narc abuse

[@Ginmabes]

Ugh! Despicable behaviour! Grow the F up (him not you, of course). You deserve better. I have deleted all the apps and will never go back on them. They just cause me anxiety, disappointment, and wastes my time.

[@Sunshine-gm5dc]

Stay Strong! This feeling hurts so much. They know they did wrong and still make us question ourselves. Pathetic!

[@samco63]

This was my exact situation!!! He pursued me relentlessly! Went on dates, contact me every single day; sex, deep conversations everything. And I had the conversation… and it was the same! He said he was clear with me that he didn’t want a relationship and thought we were friends. I was so confused.

[@Hilary945]

If a man doesn't ask you to be his girlfriend, you aren't in a relationship.

[@SusanWinter]

It’s important to have open communication

[@basicinfo2022]

And that's not even a real commitment, marriage is. We need to stop giving wife benefits at girlfriend price.

[@landontheicon4591]

been there done that. don’t go shopping for milk at a hardwood store.

[@SusanWinter]

Great response

[@YouTubeUzername]

Its rough out here! It seems as if the people who want relationships are already in them! 😂😂😂

[@SusanWinter]

Take heart. There are good number of people that are looking for relationships. Often times they’re afraid to let people know that that’s why I advocate that people should be direct and honest from the very beginning to filter out those who don’t want what they want.

[@lmusima3275]

This why I’ve now cut off all friendships with guys. I’ve wasted too much time being heartbroken 💔 and back in the cycle 🔁 of attachment after attachment, watching them disappear or go after other women before my eyes. They aren’t my friends at all. They’re all looking for placeholders and situationsships to have their needs fulfilled.

[@leoniehourani5558]

Susan I was in this exact predicament recently. We dated for 5/6 months. The minute I approached the subject of a relationship, I was dumped - thrown out in the cold/ he gave me every excuse under the sun … “he’s not in a good place right now”, “it’s not the right timing”, “he was traumatised from his ex”, seeing a psychologist… blah blah blah !!! I was absolutely gutted. He came into my life as my 23 year marriage (31 years total relationship) was ending and I feel so stupid. I had been with my husband since I was 16 yrs old. He was all have ever known and felt safe with. It’s taken me a long time to heal from this 5 mths plus everything else and try to move past the way he used me and then dropped me like yesterdays news. I too (like the client in your letter) thought we were feeling genuine love together. I am terrified of what is out there as it’s been so long for myself being a part of the dating world.

[@user-sq8ug5ct1m]

Good lord he said the same words as my guy did. Do they all have the same story.🤦🏼. I was like you, after 50 years with one man, I ‘was’ very nieve.

[@acd1168]

These men do that. I had one guy who would invite me to things and he acted as a bf but when I raised the issue, he acted like I was crazy. So I had to make the decision to completely block him without letting him no because every time I would tell him the truth, he would act like I am crazy.

[@SusanWinter]

This is why I prefer to be direct and upfront from the first meeting and from profiles online. If you start with clarity and get it sorted as to each person’s desire, they tends to be less confusion.

[@acd1168]

@@SusanWinter *know I understand what you are saying. He would always evade the question. He was playing games but I figured it out and cut him off.

[@sararedbride9728]

They want the girlfriend experience without the responsibility/ commitment. Like a roleplay. Had a guy that behaved like a bf , going on dates all the time, cuddling, being romantic but not the girlfriend label. Most guys always think they deserve a model with prefect personality, even the average guy thinks he deserves a model. Its the dating apps , gives them the illusion they have options

[@sararedbride9728]

Congrats for blocking him. That was the right move

[@agent1.618]

@@sararedbride9728 i wasn't aware this type of unfortunate experience was gendered; less we forget about women and their "lists". truth is, the dating pool is full of bad actors with poor character, no matter the gender. all we can control is how we communicate and assert our boundaries.

[@cmrandall9151]

Susan, you are a life saver for all people who find themselves in that confusing situation. We're taught to play "cool girl/guy" and go along with whatever the other person wants, otherwise we run the risk of being boring or needy. At the end of the day it's just about boundaries though. We can't let people come into our lives, lead us on, get the best from us, and then drop us when we ask for definition and a little commitment. At that point, we're not honoring ourselves. The letter writer needs to follow your advice and leave that situationship. If the guy she is seeing values her, he will get serious quickly

[@SusanWinter]

Wonderfully said! Leave the games at the door and make sure to discuss your intentions, boundaries and triggers!

[@daspotjoel]

Yep, it’s just up to both partys to communicate what they want and demonstrate that consistently with each other.

[@CYNOCEC]

It is NOT a situationship if there has been sex. For sex is a return dividend of some sort on one's investment, example: Time & energy for affection & Intimacy. Once sex has been engaged, this is now friends with benifts.

[@flower_7890]

If it happened to me at this point of my life ( after working on myself) I would accept it for what it is, I wouldn't deny it's painful but definitely accept it and I would also believe that we're not on the same page, he's not good for me and the Universe will give me more suitable man but in order to meet him I MUST move on with my life now 😊

[@Ginmabes]

I am DONE with apps, they gave me anxious, nervy feelings and made me think of myself and other people in a way I didn't really like. If I meet someone in the real world, great, if I don't? That's okay too, I'll deal with it.

[@SusanWinter]

Trust that what you’re looking for is looking for you too

[@lolachlih3136]

I say just turn the other way and never look back!

[@SusanWinter]

❤

[@lisaariottiart]

I recently dated someone with pure intention... did not last long after the cards were laid. What a shame we had explosive chemistry and great conversation -- we liked similar things. I said I prefer commitment and monogamy and I don't lead in dating with my sexuality. I prefer to deep dive and really get to know someone. Sex is 100 times better when its comes from a safe place both emotionally and physically. At first he was with me in spirit but then he said this is usually not how it works I have sex then get to know the person. Then he friendzoned me but still wanted me in his life. Bye Bye Felcia👋🏻

[@SusanWinter]

It’s good that it ended sooner rather than later. It’s essential that you find someone that aligns with your goals and what you’re comfortable with.

[@desertrose111]

I learned that "explosive chemistry and great conversation -- we liked similar things." sometimes could be a sign of lovebombing part in a karmic relationship that's doom at the beginning. Whats more important than chemistry are commitment, consistency and honesty. It sounds like to me like he was one of those love bomber that would leave any ways after he gets what he wants, and glorified that. Good thing you walked away sooner. Do not let him friendzone you, do not respond to validate his attention.

[@basicinfo2022]

He was playing dumb and gaslighting...

[@user-iw2lf4lc9y]

Invested three months with someone who seemed interested. Half way through a moment of intimacy she said “ I can’t be in a relationship” 🤦‍♀️ waste of energy and time. Was given signals of interest . She told me after date two “ I am looking for a real and honest relationship” yet realised she couldn’t actually have one.

[@SusanWinter]

As unfortunate as that was, I don’t think her intentions were wrong. She might have thought that she was ready for a relationship but realized once she was 3 months in, that she wasn’t. It’s good that it happened early on and not a year down the road

[@LizEarthAngel3]

Thank you I needed to hear this, I just left my over 3 year situation ship, don’t let it get that far! At the end he wanted a relationship but to many things that I can’t trust him on now, so bye bye 👋

[@Shayycraft_]

I was in a new relationship with a guy and he asked me to be his girlfriend almost immediately and then I started to notice his bad habits, I asked him for more and all of a sudden he wasn’t ready for a real relationship. I wanted the relationship to end but I should of vetted him properly before giving myself to him so soon. He was an actual waste of time and a looser.

[@alpcrdh3702]

Definition of Situationships - a casual relationship (sometimes one of many relationships at once) where either party can leave at any time guilt free. Most likely going to be the guy. Situationships + the pill = a perfect sitaution for guys to be getting guilt free sex and fun until they lose interest and walk out, only to set up a Situationships camp again elsewhere. Women who opt for this course of action shouldn't be complaining when it runs its course. There are women in the sex trade that charge for this service (a lot!!) as "The Girlfriend Experience", one has to think there's more respect for that type of entrepreneurial person. The pill was the best then ever to happen to good looking guys, and now the idea of the Situationship taking off made everything just perfect.

[@CorporateQueen]

They want to look, let them.

[@mikyl-fo8rh]

Even if they don't say they want to see others, if after 3 months and you expressed interest in a committed relationship and they dont want you, leave.

[@lucyloo7457]

Bravo 👏 Susan!!! You have the dating site stuff perfected. Keep It going. Thank You!!

[@emiigarzon]

I’m not ready for a relationship either. I’m only in town for a couple months so it wasn’t serious to begin with. We’re having fun and I do really like her, maybe in the future we can talk about something more serious but things are good now. I’m going to keep my options open and not get too attached to any specific outcome

[@SusanWinter]

Emil, I appreciate your honesty. And I love the fact that you’re willing to say this upfront. You may want to support that phrase with, “and I sincerely mean this”

[@emiigarzon]

@@SusanWinter On It! Writing it in my journal now. Thanks Susan ♥️

[@TheGr8-1]

I laid my cards on the table with a situationship. Just said I care about her and asked what she feels about me. Avoiding me ever since. Got my answer. 😂

[@angelarhodes4525]

This is perfect Susan!! You are such a gift!!

[@travisscottjr2298]

Dear, Susan. May I know how to recover from this? My ego and my self esteem kinda hurt after realized that I'm just being used and being too naive. Met a guy, told him my intentions up front that I'm looking for a relationship, but he used that information to led me on. I left after he said he actually didn't want a relationship after a month, but I feel ashamed being open and vulnerable to him.

[@SusanWinter]

You did the right thing by being upfront. It’s terrible that it ended the way it did but it’s better to have it end now than you be strung along for a year because you didn’t speak your truth

[@travisscottjr2298]

@@SusanWinter Thank you so much for replying, Susan. I feel at ease now. Thanks for your all advice videos. Always love it.

[@MyFrankieee]

My advice ladies make sure he invests in you ,money he’s time ect ! He won’t be so quick in walking a way then ! Great video Susan ❤

[@SM-tl9ls]

Nope, in my case, he invested time, money, took me out to meet his friends, met the parents, went to his house etc. And he still dumped me when I asked for a serious outcome. These man-babies are seriously dysfunctional.

[@hannahjohnson4475]

I told my situationship that I'm not ready for a relationship and their response was I don't want a relationship.

[@avalonmist254]

Sadly a Time Waster!⭐

[@lucyloo7457]

Great video Susan. These type videos are your best vessel. Bravo 👏!!

[@SusanWinter]

Thank you so much!

[@a.d.b535]

Mine was a 2 year and said No way is he interested in marriage. We're broke up now.

[@SirGregg]

If he has other woman his value goes up. She wont be able to stop thinking about the one that got away.

[@astridprojection]

If he has other women, women are usually grateful that they dodged a bullet…because he was most likely suffering from unhealed mother wounds. Which is why he’s so desperate to cling to females approval. Or a narcissist in which case he’s delusional about being missed 😂

[@bluebellbeatnik4945]

his value doesn't go up at all. it decreases. her need goes up temporarily because he caused her pain. if a guy does that on purpose, he's a sociopath.

[@UnicornsAreReal1]

Eww no. I'm extremely unattracted to men who date multiple women. Shows a level of shallowness and insecurity.

[@rashaaltaee3379]

Your videos help me alot thank you so much ❤

[@SusanWinter]

You're so welcome!

[@charlesbaron138]

I was in a situationship for a year and we had amazing chemistry however she ended things with me after a big fight over prioritizing each other and taking it to the next level. But… it’s been three months and she still attending the same gym I go to (I have been a part of that gym for about 7 years and even coach there) she goes out of her way to approach me and initiates a convo. I answer her questions casually. She even went to my place of work. Where again she approached me and initiated a convo with me “how are you doing.” I continue to be casual about it but honestly it hurts because I didn’t want things to end and I can’t seem to get over her because she continues to push herself in my inner circle. What should I do?

[@mixocrian]

Susan Winter is so slay ✨✨✨

[@SusanWinter]

❤❤❤❤

[@laurarivera5288]

Susan your content is truly amazing, thank you so much! Where can I send you a question like Julia did? I’m unsure if the videos are based on KZbin comments or there’s a special place to send the questions

[@valerie6834]

🙏🏻✨Thank you, Susan 💜

[@frednongbri]

So i need some advice,i asked this one girl on a date she's from the same institution and we went on a date two months ago and then started meeting in the college and went out sometimes and when i ask her to be my girlfriend but she always say she's not ready and she also said if i can't wait then i can just forget about her ... now I'm feeling so attached to her it's so hard to let go

[@Love-np2rt]

Excellent advice❤️

[@user-Christian-can-83]

I want more of you!!!!

[@SusanWinter]

Aww! Well I have hundreds of videos!

[@Agent77X]

Situationship is followup hookups with somebody you had in the pass and continue with the casual sex without emotional attachments(relationships)!😮 It more similar to prostitution but free. Each knows nothing about the other but its a transaction to each other.😂

[@lauraz2896]

Or…they do not want a real relationship with you. My guy wanted a child that I was not able to give him. 🤷‍♀️

[@professorlayabout4878]

Who wants to commit these days when you can sample the buffet for the rest of your life? 😂

[@samco63]

Which goes to show it’s more about them, then it is about you, I guess

[@timothyjackson4653]

All of these confusing labels are due to people not regarding marriage anymore

[@Claaasic]

Damn thanks for the confirmation. This guy played me really badly. Used me for everything I had. Thanks for the advice. Intentions will be more clear next time.

[@SusanWinter]

You deserve so my better

[@Claaasic]

@@SusanWinter 😭😭💖💖

[@jayviensam2001]

If he tells you he wanna "focus on himself," believe him. ❤ my lesson learned i felt pressured into having sex with him of him saying "open up" to me.. i dont know if its sexual corcein?

[@estherolanikeolanase734]

But 3months is too small to get married with someone you just met. Give it time because there are things she herself might not have known about that man. Know each other better is more better pls.

[@dontme4132]

Who said anything about getting married tho?