Sober Living House Rules and Expectations (Most Families Just Don't Get It)

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Download our SOBERLIVING checklist to make sure you pick the right option! 🖱 www.invisibleintervention.com/sober-living-questionnaire/

[@carolines5355]

My family member is the mom of an associate person. She doesn't want to hear what she needs to do. It's almost as her addiction is giving money to her child. The kid had her heels hostage too the point of believing that he will die if she doesn't give him money. I've seen her become a person constantly worry.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

📣Watch this next: It's a playlist specifically for parents: 👉 kzbin.info/aero/PLaaJWwIpP_zahslRh4fnQYQz0iD4vK2Sg

[@westonsrules6147]

Put The Shovel Down ❤️❤️☺️

[@taylernoelle1]

Oh goodness, I've had to let my family member know several times to step back and let things happen. Learning these life skills are so important in early recovery to be successful in the real world! "A comfort zone is a beautiful place but-- nothing ever GROWS there". Thanks Amber & David :)

[@PutTheShovelDown]

👊 Boom! You said it!

[@CMoore8539]

It sounds like you have a Wonderful Recovery Center. I am from Florence, S.C. If I hear of anyone needing treatment, I will refer them to you. Thank you for what you are doing!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Cindy. Greenville Transitions is a really great Sober Living Program! 😃 P.S. I didn't realize that you were in Florence

[@toshacooper255]

This video is excellent. Thank you Amber!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're so welcome!

[@deborahstarman9874]

I would love to be able to think strategically instead of being led by emotion!

[@lorimast]

I love the juggling reference. This is very interesting information, I can totally see people doing these things. I bet it's just as bad if not worse for a husband/wife at these places.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're totally right Lori. Every bit of this information could apply to husband/wife! Most of it is just splitting behaviors that all addicts do, no matter the age.

[@gwillis01]

I agree that some things have to be learned the hard, painful way: I can't buy that thing that I want if all I have in my wallet is air.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

So true! I know I've learned that lesson a couple of times!

[@jenniferking3316]

Im new to this channel and i love it. I wish it was available throughout the past 15 years. I've learned so much. There is a topic that I think could help a lot of parents. Its phasing up and being allowed home visits for the weekend and holidays. My child phased up last month. Knowing what to expect and handle issues that may come up could help because im winging it. Im pretty sure these visitsc should not be just winged. Another great topic that would help is what to look for in your child's room that's a sign of use. For example I was put on our county's grand jury. The police came in and gave a small speech on probably cause. Parents have never dealt with these drugs. I listened to this officer explain why small cotton pieces or q tips is a probable cause. My mind immediately flashed back to when she was about 16. I was always finding those. Im sure there are so many more signs. I hope you take my topics into consideration. The first one would be helpful to me now. The second one would help us all. Home visits and what to expect is difficult ground. Holidays are worse. You cant seem to ever communicate with staff and the correctional system put her there. I've watched a lot of your videos and have searched for these topics. Im unable to find them. I have lots of questions but recieved no information upon admitting her and absolutely no contact from a soul there. Its like trying to figure out how to bring her home but not really knowing acceptable boundaries that allow as much independence as possible.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Jennifer, Welcome to the channel. We're so glad you found us!!!❤️️ Those are great topics!!!I'm always looking for ideas and those are 2 really good ones. When is your daughter coming home for a visit? If there's time, I'll try to get a video home visits made before then. And, I'll get to work on the other topic immediately.

[@jenniferking3316]

@@PutTheShovelDown she's supposed to come home again this weekend. However, we had a disagreement about the holidays and she's claiming only my mom can pick her up. She stated that if I'm there she won't be allowed to leave. My mom will not go without me thanks to your videos and the awareness it brought us. My daughter got upset and said she'll call back and let us know. The real issue at hand is how to handle the holidays. She's just recently phased up and Christmas will only be her 4th time home. She's asked that we pick her up and so she can spend Christmas at home. This Holiday visit I was looking forward too. Im having a hard time reconnecting with her and Thanksgiving went so well. She did go places in didn't necessarily agree with but she stayed within our very weak boundary. Which leads us back this Christmas visit. She wants me to pick her up on Christmas day at 7am. I have no problem picking her up but I've set the boundary that she cannot control my timeline any longer. I have a 4 year old son and Santa comes Christmas morning. So, she'll have you wait until around 12 because she's 3 hours away. The problem im having with this "Holiday pass" is that she claims its 9 days long and that she has permission to go from her recovery house and her probation officer. Not only is the pass 9 days it comes with the permission of traveling to Buffalo New York. I don't understand and feel that's not even logical. Why would they give a 9 day pass to someone who has only been in phase two for a month? This center she is in appears to be clicking with her and she's either saying what we want to hear or has a real change of thinking. She's been in 5 centers but was only mandated this time. I cannot get in touch with staff there. There are no information packets or classes for parents. I fo understand it's an adult rehab but I have a very young adult addict and we've been fighting this for five years. I know absolutely nothing about it but what she tells me. I really want to trust my daughter but is a nine day pass even realistic? Should I make those calls I've threatened to make and she begged me not to? I'm stumbling around in the dark on this issue. I know if I am other parents are. As of today my mother and I decided she could go to New York but we we're not picking her up Christmas day. We've plainly stated that she could use whatever her friends name is that's taking her on her pass. I'm sorry I've rambled however it really is very confusing when no one is helping you understand how things work. I just know that im following my gut and not picking her up. That hurts but I really do not know if I should place these calls. If she's being deceitful and is held accountable for it there ok. I don't want to control the situation or check up on my daughter. So I'm conflicted, very very very conflicted about the 9 day pass. I love the work you're doing on your channel. I've learned so much from them that my mind was blown. I appreciate you responding to my comment and I apologize for rambling on in this one.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Jennifer, that is definitely a crumby situation for sure! I definitely can't get a video made and published in that short amount of time, but I'll give you some quick advice: I really like that you're holding the boundary about not caving in to her timeline demands and missing Christmas morning with your son. HOLD THAT BOUNDARY FOR SURE!!! It sounds to me like she is splitting between you, the treatment facility, and the grandmother. I'm also suspicious of a 9 DAY PASS!!!! If the treatment really is saying she can only leave with the grandmother, then she's told them something negative about you that makes them feel like it's a bad idea. I like that you and her grandmother are staying in alignment! That's perfect. If she doesn't agree, then don't go get her. As far as talking to the facility, I might also leverage that as well. For example, I might not go get her for the so-called "9-day pass" until you hear that for yourself from the facility. If she's an adult she has the right to confidentiality, but you are also an adult and you have the right to decide if you're going to pick her up or not. I don't think I would unless you get to speak to her case manager/counselor/or doctor. There really are a lot of dynamics in this situation and you may need a little more specific guidance/coaching. You can always schedule a 1-hour consult with our family specialist if it would help. If you think you'd like to go that route, just shoot me an email and I'll get you the info: [e-mail]

[@PutTheShovelDown]

hi Jennifer, I wanted to let you know that your question inspired a new video! I'm almost done editing it and will get it scheduled to publish in the next few weeks or so, but I wanted to allow you to view it first. It does make mention of your question, so I wanted to make sure it was okay with you first. There's no identifying information in it of course. If you'd like to see it, just shoot me an email at [e-mail] and I'll send you a private link to view it.

[@jenniferking3316]

@@PutTheShovelDown thank you so much. I went ahead and sent you an email from [e-mail]. I'm looking forward to it.

[@m_d1905]

Well you have a job and only get so much each week or two, so budgeting is important. I notice addicts don't have many life skills and can't learn if they don't have consequences. It's hard to see your loved one uncomfortable, but as long as they are not in a life or death spot, discomfort isn't a huge deal (even if the addict thinks it is). You learn more from discomfort than you do from comfort. I learned more after I lost my job and had to be more firm about when and how money was used, but realized I was much richer than a great portion if the world. Quite a wake up. Behaviors needed to be changed, hard and VERY uncomfortable but it didn't kill me.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

soooooo true!

[@jodypixley6683]

What stage of recovery is best to enter in a sober living ?or what stage period is ok to try a sober living ?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Anytime someone is willing to go to soberliving, they are in the right stage! I always say, they don't have to "want it" they just need to be "willing to do it" .

[@reydeselmendoza5608]

Hi how are I love watching you and your videos

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks rixi!

[@stevebaker7248]

Special footage A3-40 shown here was lost around 2 weeks later to flown very close friend, 'Viper' or 'Mach'.

[@lazyezmerelda]

My husband is living in a loosely based Oxford house. Of course, he works a week on and a week off around the clock, and during that week, at work, he's in a live in situation. So, he drinks at his job, and has been spending as little time as possible at the Oxford house. Of course, a lot of his decision to stay at this Oxford house for my husband, is a lot for financial reasons, as he was staying in hotels and tenting, which is expensive. Not the tenting, the tenting is dirt cheap, of course, but, it's freezing outside, so, I think, my husband will move out of this sober house, or Oxford house, when, the weather starts warming up again. At least that's what I think. This Oxford house does not require that everybody in the house be a part of rehab. And, they don't test for alcohol all the time either. And, my son(the one that is confused), visits with his dad. Where my husband manipulates him in to doing stupid things, like getting in the car, even though, my son used the breathalyzer on his dad and he was at .07, and I told him not to get in the car, after he called and told me he was at .07. My son is 21 years old and can do what he wants, but, is very confused about everything.

[@margotk3498]

a lot of residents are using at Oxford houses. It's just a cheap place to live for them. IF someone really wants to stay sober they will find a sober living house that holds them accountable.

[@lorimast]

I think most of the problem with the addict is that they never learned life skills. I can see it in my husband. He functions in life. He works hard. But managing money or doing normal life skills at home is near impossible.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

#TrueStory!

[@linfincher]

Wish there was a list of good centers for those on state medical for my son.

[@lauriepell9697]

Is there something like this for woman?

[@markprange238]

At Light House's Sober Living in Canton, Michigan some clean girls sell urine samples to the ones on heroin. --Always pass their drug tests! And a girl drives to her favorite dealers, getting heroin for the girls back at the Sober Living apartments on Foxthorn Dr. They are careful not to shoot in the neck, an arm, or a leg--injecting instead in or near a boob.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

😳🤯😵

[@AYe-ly2yo]

Whoa.......

[@jodypixley6683]

I've watched my addict be full of loughs, dreams" , proud or pride to just looking like he has never been anything and him relapsing so many times that he has to leave all family due to shame or total lost pride ! But he has always thought he should be able to stop his addiction on his own and it's never worked .just lots of damage to relationships . he keeps saying he needs to leave state .i ask do you have a plan and he says well no but it don't matter anymore becouse I've destroyed everything here and no matter how good I do no one is going to believe it or treat me different .And I kinda want to agree with him but I feel he needs a recovery place to help him get started off right on his journey to real recovery from his own thoughts of himself ! He has really trashed his life in a small town and yes that's hard to overcome in his mind and mine .I want to give positive advice that can help him before he lets himself down again !

[@gwillis01]

hello friends

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Howdy Gwin!

[@jodypixley6683]

You saying that an opiate addict haveing a deeper hole and much more trash to dig out of is very true from my personal view from both maybe becouse alcohol is legal?

[@tbone5675]

Sober housing for grh are flawed . The payment is way too much to pay out of pocket and not be able to save money. The system works if you came out of jail and you'll be able to save for a few months unfortunately for me I was homeless and I get ripped out of even working based on gross income not by net income so there could be IRS issues to back child support and that leaves you with 20 Buck's and years to save that get you nowhere to move forward with getting your own place.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi T Bone, You're right, the system is broken in a lot of ways!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Sounds like the system has built a trap that’s almost impossible to get out of.

[@aubraehersel7720]

I have an alcoholic spouse. These videos have been really helpful, but I have to say your attitudes on marijuana are so archaic. Marijuana is less addictive than chocolate..

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It's hard to see it that way, when I have people families coming to me daily saying it's messing up their lives.

[@aubraehersel7720]

@Put The Shovel Down weed is no more harmful than caffeine. I guess it's the southern take. In Oregon we have a more progressive outlook on most things.

[@margotk3498]

@@aubraehersel7720 you couldn't be more wrong.... there are many people with marijuana use disorders, and its ruining their lives. Its actually your viewpoint that is archaic.. it's your viewpoint that makes it extremely difficult to find treatment for cannibis use disorder..