Social Anxiety Exposure: The Most Common Mistake

If you are interested, you can get a lot more in-depth information on these techniques in my new social anxiety book here: geni.us/DatingWithoutFear
This video is about the most common mistake people make when trying to do social anxiety disorder exposure therapy on their own.
I focus on the problem of trying to do exposure without really identifying underlying fears or being willing to reveal the flawed and vulnerable parts of ourselves. I discuss why exposure won't really work without this, and well as how much it helps treatment when you incorporate it.
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ONLINE GROUP THERAPY
I’m co-leading an online self-compassion group with Marianne Stout, PhD. Open to TX residents.
www.anxietyaustin.com/groups/...
I'm Thomas Smithyman, PhD. I'm a clinical psychologist and I specialize in treating social anxiety. I reference the core treatment ideas that will help reduce social anxiety over time. You can find me at www.thomassmithyman.com and the Anxious in Austin Podcast, anxiousinaustin.podbean.com
I hope this helps it. Let me know if there are any other social anxiety topics you'd like to hear about.

[@jamieluke8386]

I’ve been doing them safety things for so long I’ve lost my true self. I’ve lost my personality because of my social anxiety.

[@jessesarver3692]

I am the same way. Not easy to just put myself out there when i dont know what is what.

[@kailooman1018]

How are things going?

[@jamieluke8386]

@@kailooman1018 making progress I'm in full time work but still feel like I've lost my personality. I've built one, but still have walls up to stop people getting to close. I feel like I'm creating a new personality from scratch as I lost myself. Might not be a bad thing but it still feels ingenioune. Something missing. Like genuineness and and my true expression. Like I know I'm faking it and feel like other people sense it too. But still I'm making progress even if I'm faking it. I think it's a process. But at least I'm putting myself out there instead of isolating, even if it's fake. That's being a adult tho. I've found most lie and put on a personality to impress co workers and it grinds me up. It makes it harder. I wish adult's acted like their genuine selves instead kf peacocking with their chests out, would make it easier to fit in and relate to people who struggle behind their persona.

[@hanktadaa]

@@jamieluke8386 I totally get you. cheer up man!

[@SKL194]

It doesn't improve but get worse bcz of people behaviors

[@mattw-cx50]

One of my issues with revealing my true self is not about being rejected per se as much as being subjugated with a lack of respect or equality.

[@missmilkshakespeare6015]

I pushed myself way too far way too fast by joining a college musical. Because of my social anxiety I haven’t been able to connect with the cast and I feel like an alien. I went on with it because I wanted to think positively and couldn’t drop out because it was too late. I got through opening night but it’s gonna be torture for the rest. Everyone else is so free to be themselves and they’re all so close and I’m just acquainted with them. I’m so sad I want to isolate all over again because exposing myself just backfired completely. I feel like this will just enforce my inferiority complex and set me back into an even deeper depression. I was too ambitious and pushed myself beyond my limit because I was so desperate to finally start doing the things I wanted to do but social anxiety ruins everything and sucks out the joy from everything.

[@behindyou3689]

Damn bro..

[@psych7776]

Sorry to hear that , I have it too

[@insane_coconut2211]

Omg I feel you dude,you know why?because I'm going through very similar situations like yourss and I don't what should I do,like you I'm afraid that two these things will happen either I will go there and mess up on stage or I'm going to experience the deep regret and sadness of losing another opportunity because of social anxiety.

[@insane_coconut2211]

Do you have another anxiety issues like ocd

[@brandongranados5569]

sometimes therapist are greedy and just want you to be talking about your vulnerability’s and dont really help you, keep you scheduled for years and don’t make changes sometimes I think they know what will actually will be helpful but are too hungry for money instead of your well being

[@rural_girl555]

exactly

[@yenlik5165]

Not sure if I have a social anxiety. I feel fine talking to one or two people. But when it's a group of people in academic or work environment my voice start trembling, I panic and forget what I was going to say, and the fact that English is not my first language doesn't help. I feel so inadequate and incompetent after situations like this and keep thinking about it for days..

[@letsgoBrandon204]

If it's interfering with your life then it's social anxiety. Doesn't matter if you don't have it as bad as some people, you're still suffering. Everyone gets it to a degree. I find I have symptoms of other anxiety disorders, like OCD, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't qualify for a diagnosis. People are interesting in that they don't fit into tidy categories like that. These terms are best fit categories.

[@elfrank333]

If you have chest pain stomag burn or other phisical symptoms then it is social fobia if not then is just shiness

[@taranajain4834]

Social Anxiety Disorder is a psychological condition that involves excessive, out of proportion fear of engaging in any interpersonal reaction. Now this interpersonal reaction may involve one or more people (known or strangers). If entering into any such situation triggers excessive, uncontrollable visible physiological anxiety reactions (that you may label as panic, trembling voice), or mind/cognitive reactions (forgetfulness or mind going blank), you may deal with this anxiety in several ways on your own as it causes immense personal distress. This self- coping is called as "safety behavior that he is referring to in this video". Moreover, after the situation is over, constantly thinking about the event, feeling inadequate or incomplete is a sign of post- event rumination that you are engaging in. I suggest that you please seek professional mental help from your nearest Clinical Psychologist as clinical assessment and therapy is required in your case to assess the presence and magnitude of your symptoms to prevent any further delayed prognosis. This is just to make you aware of whats happening. I'm a professional Clinical Psychologist myself, hence the advice.

[@laurorelivens3338]

@@elfrank333 you have to let go, do you know what letting go means?

[@sednasix6608]

This is definitely on point. I recently revealed to a girl that I’m a porn addict. Never in a million years would I do that. The result was two-fold. Reaction was accepting and two - it was a huge burden off my entire soul. I learned a lot that day.

[@DAClub-uf3br]

My trouble with exposure is that when i try it i get re-traumatized. P.S. I don't know who my true self is. I have always adjusted my personality to fit in with the group i am with.

[@stephanieherman2861]

Drop your mask, stop acting and listen to your intuition. And by intuition I dont mean the fear but the inspiration. I learnt that when i was partnerdancing while having a really bad mood. Usually i would be careful and let my dance partner do whatever she wants. But that day i thought "forget it! I know exactly how i want to dance to this song. I want you close and i want to dance it slow" and i did exactly that. My dancepartner was sometimes doing random stuff, but i was like "stop that, i am the boss" When the song was approaching the end i became afraid. she would certainly hate how i forced her to dance my way. But as soon as i thought that, she asked if she could have another dance with me. And then one more, and one more. At the end of the party, when i went home, she even gave me a kiss to say goodbye. Before that experience i would never have showed anyone what my true self was. That day I realized i had been acting all my life long because i thought i was not good enough. Turns out your most valued property is your authentic self, unfiltered and direct.

[@mandasgehtnicht]

That is very helpful ! Two different therapies, two years each, and no one explained this to me !

[@emilyfarmer1542]

Wow, this makes sense, I have become so much better at appearing socially apt in general, but haven’t been able to show my true self

[@mdtrtwlt]

I find it very hard to connect with people because I feel like my safety behaviours are always active, and what they are is me presenting as a cardboard one dimensional character who is a people pleaser, laughs at everyone's jokes but never makes any of her own. And I don't know how to shut it off. This has become so much more exaggerated after moving abroad because from a cultural perspective I'm terrified that white people (who I'm surrounded by) just will not get my personality or sense of humour. And this whole aspect of just not knowing how to shut it off and just be myself is really feeding into a learned helplessness. I'm not sure what to do. In fact I feel an immense sense of learned helplessness about my social anxiety disorder in general.

[@Mymle]

Yup I’ve been doing blunt force all my life and I can relate to all that you say, been starting to do it differently now

[@opencurtin]

I just started a new job but I am about to quit down to SA , in trying to fit in I've come across as an idiot and im been treated like one now by co workers ,

[@KavishaLakshani-wn8jb]

How you doing now?

[@WaterBottleJim]

There was a time where I did not protect myself, and most people accepted me instead or rejecting me, but eventually someone would reject me and my anxiety would continue because if this happened once it's gonna happen again, maybe not often, but will happen eventually, so my anxiety would remain... my brain never managed to learn that that I'm "safe" revealing the real me. So I don't like this strategy of going after reassuring your brain that you're safe revealing the real you. I wanna know of a way to not feel the pain of rejection when it does happen, because it does happen. If I knew the pain would not be too bad, then maybe my anxiety would decrease.

[@soy7543]

I think a step in the right direction would be to learn how to accept and be okay with rejection. It's also important to understand that however people chose to treat you is out of your control no matter how much you put yourself out there. Rejection is inevitable. Specifically the chance of it happening. But you can feel safe knowing that even if there are people who may reject you, there will always be those who accept you. Those are the ones you should focus on.

[@discoveryhacks229]

Say this with me ( I don't care about my feelings or your feelings ) Just do the exposure. It would end bad as u expected, with guilt, rejection, blame, mock, argument with defeat, letting them down... . Yes but those are all your feelings or your feelings of what they think about u. So you have to know u can't control that feeling but definitely you can choose to ignore them and not rethink them. The guilt will be there but you will ignore it by doing the same actions that cause guilt again. And you will be surprised on how those worse emotions are temporary. Once your brain detects you don't put much effort in rethinking the worse moments it will also try to delete it. And about others feeling about you, have u ever wondered why we feel normal seeing mad people or crazy people and never expect them to do Cartain normal things with us? Just because we already adapted to their crazy acts and we know they can't change. Just do that thing let people hate or ignore u. But never stop and never care. Humans are meant to push negativity to others to enhance conversation. You just have to get use to their meaningless behavior. And remember everyone has social anxiety but almost everyone has faced it since young age so they are OK with any negative emotions. But u are not starting at young age, meaning, book your changes in term of years not days or month. And most importantly, the more you space exposure the more you give your fear the chance to regroup again. Be consistent and embrace the worse side of humans.

[@lizcastro6066]

It's interesting because I talk with others about how important it is for me to expose who I am, but people who know and love me always say that I should protect myself and not tell random people, because they want to protect my mind from that. So, I am careful about what I say and put myself under exposure anyway, still I get rejection, but I do my best not to take it personally. It's more like, others don't understand and it's okay. I'm a little sad, but I can give them the chance next time, or maybe I just give up and go on with my life, depending on the person.

[@CesarRodriguez-ve1ej]

Love your stuff bro

[@carolinaruiz7160]

That was great, thanks for your help

[@fifabeastxd8165]

Great followup!

[@itsbillie1968]

Wonderful video Thankyou so much

[@Nina-ur3ld]

Thank you for helping us

[@komunikolog]

Very cool informations and great tips! Thanks a lot!

[@Queenadorn]

Wow this really is helpful info thank u so much my guy ❤

[@buckcostanza3483]

great video, thank you.

[@mikamee5459]

Oh wow just listened to this. Best point about the obstacles. Kind of explained my situation with exposure therapy.

[@mike8669]

Thanks Thomas for this is too grasp and understand video thanks a million

[@luciarose6824]

thankyou so much for sharing this video, I cried watching, I was thinking i was autistic or something else, because i present this whole dry, zombie like persona when I'm really socially anxious and I can't relate to people. (Even though this was made in 2019) thanks for sharing these tips and also making me and others feel less alone

[@matimoi]

Amazing video!

[@ksaALWAFi]

please continue your videos

[@MothyEmms]

This is the advice I've been needing for a long time

[@DrThomasSmithyman]

I hope it helps

[@harveylawrence2827]

GOAT Cheers mate videos are great

[@skateforlife6258]

what a helpful video

[@colliemansion5756]

Damn, I needed this

[@thebestmusic572]

Brilliant

[@rachaellouise2666]

Thanks that's so helpful! I have severe social anxiety and right now I'm experiencing intense rejection (a breakup) so all my fears of rejection coming true, could you do a video on how to approach exposure therapy after a breakup? In some ways I think it can become a positive catalyst but would love to hear your thoughts, thanks.

[@opencurtin]

Its an awful feeling , I feel your pain

[@rachaellouise2666]

Things are so much better, thank you for asking. I still have social anxiety in some settings but it has improved as I’ve got to know myself better. I’ve been having therapy (parts work and internal family systems) and it’s been really helpful!

[@user-lq7lr9bf5r]

Struggling to enjoy with friends and to enjou convos even with family and sometimes super close friends, this shit hard tried doing omegle for like 20 minutes it felt so unnatural but it might help idk😊

[@hanktadaa]

This is very clear and insightful. Though, it's really difficult to find a therapist specialised in Gradual Exposure Therapy here in Thailand. Do you have any recommeded resources for self-help on social anxiety? Thanks again from Thailand! :)

[@DrThomasSmithyman]

That’s hard to find in general, I’m afraid. I know people often deal with this by reading and educating themselves, and then working with the support of a general therapist. For books, other than Dating Without Fear, you can try “how to be yourself”, “the shyness and social anxiety workbook” which is more traditional cbt, and I know Stefan Hofmann has a new book out “cbt for social anxiety.”

[@hanktadaa]

Thanks for the recommendations! I'll definitely check those out.@@DrThomasSmithyman

[@ricoparadiso]

Wow, what a great explanation. Not revealing who you are. Not teaching that I myself am safe in this situation, not my character/facade. This year I started this, I go to a church group 1 to 2 times a week, talking in groups etc. I go to places iv never been before on my own (restaurants, businesses, etc) but I was frustrated today at a restaurant because although I preformed the action of being there, I still felt trapped in that I didnt say or be everything I wanted to in the moment. Will this always be a conscious effort on my part? Or will it eventually become natural to my brain, to relax and speak as myself without fearing the rejection of my true self from others?

[@ricoparadiso]

Also, is there no benefit to simply going/preforming these actions/routines? I consider my new lifestyle growth but there are days where I think “Whats the point of getting to this place of social ease only to not be myself?” I second guess my own thoughts and opt for the safe character, giving a very neutral position in most cases.

[@discoveryhacks229]

​​@@ricoparadisoI am also suffering with severe SA or late say I was because this year have been the best improvement ever in my live with self therapy. And how this video cleared the remaining part of the puzzle for me so I understand him throughly. What u are looking for is REWARD for not being the worse side of your self. whlhich might be (hating human actions, behavior or pretending to be like them) But if u understand well u also know those behaviors are bad and you need to change them but you don't want to. To expose successfully you have to adapt to the behavior of what you want to expose yourself to and in return they will REWARD u with love, friendship, maybe fake care all with their outside emotions/feeling. Even though their inner feelings might be the opposite of their actions towards u. So u can also show love to them outwards and still have your opposite feelings inside. And the question is why do u still have to pretend if u are uncomfortable. I will also ask u all the time u never pretend and instead isolate yourself to hide your true self are u feeling good about it? Is your life normal?. So just expose by pretending to be like them in a positive way because if you show your negative side to them they will also return it to u and u will hate them more and you will judge yourself after while on their side they forget those feelings immediately while u suffer the consequences for long time with isolation pain. So just pretend to get their relationship and eventually that feeling u are having of doing what u don't like will surely get normal, it's normal for them it would soon be for u also. And u will even be better than them as u will be able to analyze and choose between right or wrong nit wrong always like them. And u might ask again isn't pretense of not having flaw what he said we shouldn't do in the video. What he's saying is not to hide what we can't do. Surely u don't have flaws in not wanting to care for them or accepting people's meaningless emotions, surely u don't have flaws in maybe you have a disability of not being able to enter a restaurant. But your flaw there is that maybe you are not good at communicating or the way normal people interact you just can't put it perfectly as them. Just don't pretend. Show your flaw, let them see how worse you are. And mostly you will end up proving ur mind wrong they they won't accept u. And if they do end up showing their negativity on u. Just re do the same again and follow what he said. Expect the bad reaction from them but yet still continue. Your problem is not them or their act u have no full power to control how they react to u at first. but u surely can control yourself to do it again and again until they adapt to the way you are. And remember again your aim is not to satisfy them but to get the REWARD ON BEING SUCCESSFULLY PROOVING TO YOUR MIND THOUGHTS/BRAIN that this situations might feel scary but don't trigger my fear anymore as it might be scary but not dangerous. So flaw = what do completely don't have power to change, not what u are not just willing to change U can contact me let keep overcoming this crazy SA together. And don't hide your flaw when you do.

[@itunes8442]

hello coach i have a question for you, can you answer me please ? if i showed teh flawed part of me , peole areg onna accept me, but some are gonna REJECT ME and repsond weirdly, so the idea is to basically show yourself to the world , and become comfortable with rejection if it comes ?

[@DrThomasSmithyman]

Try this video: kzbin.info/www/bejne/epauh3V5od2XpMk And here's an article about how exactly to handle rejection: psyche.co/guides/how-to-handle-rejection-so-that-you-can-heal-and-move-on Hope that helps

[@itunes8442]

okey thanks, can i also tell people i have SAD, is it a form of exposure therapy to admit it ?@@DrThomasSmithyman

[@Dannyt7873]

What happens when you get rejected! This whole thing falls down What happens if your flaw is screaming when you get scared, hypothetically

[@patriciaoneil8723]

I was wondering about this too. Are we also working on being okay with rejection, or what we perceive as rejection? Maybe for something a little less intense than your example here, but something we're self-conscious about nevertheless. Or getting over feeling rejected without even knowing why someone is reacting that way. I thought he was about to say something about this at the very end, but I don't think he did. I thought it was a great video, btw.

[@itunes8442]

@@patriciaoneil8723 i think exposure therapy, drills your brain, like trains you to be comfortable , because there will be rejzction, people are gonna be harsh, you know what i mean, it is delusional to say the catastrophic scenario won't happen, maybe it won't happen as much but it will surely happen at some point, and you have to be comfortable with that

[@yassies9640]

I’m proud of everyone for doing this erp on their own, it’s so hard and scary.

[@stringblazdarkrogue]

This makkes a lot of sense, than you

[@Mulaswrld]

Shakey hands suck 😂 but this helps a lot on my journey in getting through SA and controlling it.

[@nero2820]

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