Stop Asking “How are you”

[@chad.littlefield]

For roughly 1,000,000 better alternatives to "how are you?" ... I've created this free downloadable pack of awesome strategies and ideas to make connection easy: weand.me/tools/

[@HiHi-ek1dd]

Bro, you are a chad. One day, with all the effort and quality from what I see I can tell you're going to be big, and your helping us out. Thank you so much I really appreciate it and hope the best for you.

[@CaelanHuntress]

"'How Are You?' is a....personal question," my Danish friend told me. "It's so weird that Americans want to know this about me all the time." When I went to an international theatre school in a tiny town Northern California, clowns and acrobats from all over the world came to spend a year together. As one of the host Americans, I was fascinated to hear what they thought of our culture, and our constant nagging 'How are you?' was one of the things they could not abide. "I was in the grocery store," a friend from Finland said, "and the girl at the desk asked me 'How are you?' so I told her I was tired, because I just had this long flight, and I was feeling anxious, because I had to get food with weird money and then go meet all these strangers, and she was just staring at me. I realized, she didn't want to know how I was doing at all. She was just saying hello." She said this lesson taught her not to trust Americans when they seem to be inviting intimacy, because things that are intimate in her culture, are only casual in ours.

[@chad.littlefield]

Absolutelyyyy!

[@madduxnagel6935]

I’m an American, you’re right on the money. Abhor this question, I try not to ever ask anyone it because I hate hearing it. Just say HI. You don’t actually care how I am, and that’s fine. But let’s not pretend

[@ghogarth]

I'm reminded of that beer ad that had everyone in it asking "Howya doin'?" 😆

[@chad.littlefield]

Hahaha! If only I would have thought of it too and asked the editing team to drop a clip in.

[@coreyhence2020]

Just lost our 21 week old baby girl. I can resonate with this.

[@sockies1]

Oh Corey. I'm sorry.

[@debmacon9467]

So sorry for your loss, Corey. What is one thing that resonated with you in Chad's video?

[@curiousobserver5332]

So deeply sorry for this heartbreak. This an unimaginable loss.

[@cristinadevoto9561]

I'm really sorry.

[@speakingfingersnetwork]

Oh my condolence...The Lord strengthen you.

[@JesseFryeNC]

Chad, I was unaware of Will's passing; this is very sad to hear! Please keep bringing the amazing content Chad, have always loved listening to you and the advice you give me in our exchanges over the years.

[@chad.littlefield]

Back atcha! Glad to continue to be connected.

[@b2iano]

To Chad and Will's friends and family, I'm sad to hear this news. I'm sorry for the pain his loss brings to you all. Will and Chad imparted important human connection / compassion skills to people the world over. You were a great team.

[@chad.littlefield]

Thanks to the fact that he wrote down and recorded much of his ideas, we still are a great team 😊 You might enjoy reading what I wrote about WiLL here: weand.me/tribute-to-william-samuel-wise

[@eriktyler6402]

I love this reply (not just "like").

[@Slarti]

"How are you doing?" "None of your 'f'ing business!" I hate it when people ask me that question.

[@chad.littlefield]

🤣

[@ellenpolishuk7816]

thanks for these alternatives. On the receiving end, sometimes when I am asked How Are You? I answer with something odd that wakes peoples brains up: "I'm medium", or "I'm super deluxe" etc, bascially anything other than fine or good gets noticed and often leads to a deeper conncection.

[@1happygrrl]

Medium? Super delux? I love these responses! They are immediately going into my conversational response rotation!

[@chad.littlefield]

Love it, Ellen. I've found myself saying "Better than average, and I'm usually pretty good" haha. Though even that now is just a routine interaction for me. I'm going to challenge myself to answer this question quickly but honestly in completely separate/unique ways everyday for the rest of the week. And I'm headed to speak at a conference with 3000 people, so it'll be a good exercise haha!

[@eriktyler6402]

@@chad.littlefield, report back in some fashion. Fun and challenging experiment!

[@chad.littlefield]

@@eriktyler6402 report back: I've failed miserably haha.

[@eriktyler6402]

Thanks for not being someone who makes up pretty lies to look good. :) It's always been one of your stand-out qualities. (However, in the spirit of specifying "How are you?" I'll venture to specify your admission here, as I'm almost certain you "failed miserably AT THAT THIS TIME" only.

[@clintoncountyilceo2803]

Thanks for connecting me with Kat!!!

[@chad.littlefield]

She is a dynamite human being! We've connected more since the recording of this video. Wonderfully curious and empathetic person.

[@eriktyler6402]

Thanks for the mention and book shout-out, Chad. It's always energizing to be reminded of the ways something you've said or done has led to positive change in a way that stuck. You talk a lot about intention and being clear about that intention from the start of a meeting or conversation. I think that starts even with "How are you?" If my intention in a moment is to include and acknowledge the real people around me, but not (at that moment) to fully know how they are, I tend to stick to a smile and "Hello!" or "Good to see you!" If my intention, however, is really to make myself available to know how someone is doing if they care to share it, only then do I ask "How are you?" (in some version and with whatever preface or follow-up feels right for that person at that time). One of the things I say in "The Best Advice So Far" (and in person often to others and to myself) is "Apologize less and mean it more." The nutshell version is that if we only apologized when we really meant it (e.g., knew we had wronged someone, had no excuses, and were open to a plan for change), apologies would begin to have more impact in our relationships. I think this concept holds true for much else we tend to say by habit, including "How are you?" If each of us only asks "How are you?" (in any form or variation) when we really MEAN "How are you?"...when we have a genuine interest in that person and intend to listen and accept the answer without expectation, we would say it much less and the personal power of each time we ask it would increase. I often find myself in settings where "How are you?"..."Fine, and you?"..."Great, thanks" has been exchanged by others around me numbers of times already; and yet when I ask, the answers change. Part of that is making intention known up front; and that doesn't always need to be done verbally. As I said above, when you become know as someone who only asks "How are you?" when you really want to know and will listen a certain way, your intention among people who know you becomes clear from the outset: "This is someone who doesn't just ask socially." I also think-as Robinson and Renee note below-that our body language, voice tone, eye contact, etc. convey our intention. For example, if I've just given someone a huge hug, "How are you?" just reads differently. AND we can change up the question itself, as you've talked about here-which, if intention is in line, becomes a fairly simple and small thing to do (not to mention FUN), but one with a huge payoff.

[@chad.littlefield]

Totally, totally, totally 😊 A good intention shared with the other's best interest in mind can turn even a terribly lousy question into a fantastic, memorable connection.

[@eriktyler6402]

@@chad.littlefield , but IS it then a "terrible lousy question"? Don't even get me started on the purpose of language itself... (or DO, but maybe not here). :)

[@curiousobserver5332]

Grateful for your videos. Full of practical wisdom.

[@chad.littlefield]

Thanks for being a "curious observer" 🙂 Your name on KZbin speaks to Part 1 and 2 of this video...I wonder about Part 3 too: kzbin.info/www/bejne/raPUqKKXmr9nhLc Nice to CONNECT here-in under 60 seconds haha.

[@markj.7687]

Next time you go visit your dentist or someone who greets people regularly ask them what they ask when greeting people. If they asked this question all day, every day they would go crazy. A good one that I heard from a Dr. friend of mine is "What's good?" Love this idea Chad and appreciate the video.

[@robinsoncajamarca7241]

Hey Chad, Great way to change up the typical "How are you". I think in body language also plays a huge role? Are we saying something with our words, but is our body saying something else? Huge, specially with Zoom and in-person meetings! Love this alternative and the calendar you presented to creating meaningful conversations!

[@eriktyler6402]

I referred to your comment here in my own comment, Robinson. Yes, I do believe that our intention is read through our body language, voice tone and eye contact. I have found that supporting those intentions with a good/unexpected question just helps others to think differently, even when they know we sincerely care and are willing to listen.

[@chad.littlefield]

Yes. Body language can communicate intention. If you're communicating "I need to be somewhere and this conversation is not a priority for me" then you can expect that person to cut short what they really may want to say or share.

[@insertnamehere5373]

I think that if we add context in the start of our chat we can guide it and have control of it's duration (if we become skilled enough)

[@chad.littlefield]

100% yes. This is one of the reasons I'm so passionate about getting clear about our intentions AND sharing them in this way: kzbin.info/www/bejne/gXycfIhvbMeDmck

[@susannmikkelsonnmsuguadalu5498]

I LOVE this! I went through this transformation that you are describing in 2013 - what I call "the year from Hell," because I lost SO much, and started my deep-dive into depression. I realized that people ask "How are you?" expecting one of a few typical answers. Most don't really want the details. I stopped saying "fine," or "good," and started saying "okay," on good days. In return, I re-framed how I asked others the same question. I added the "really," or I followed the question and their response with another question or comment, conveying that I wanted the "whole answer," if they were inclined to share it. 🙂 I don't ask anyone how they are as a greeting; I don't ask unless I really have time and the bandwidth to hear the whole, true answer. Thank you for legitimizing my transformation and reassuring me that I should continue to take people off guard by being sincere and REALLY wanting to know.

[@eriktyler6402]

I'm sorry to know you went through such a hard time of loss, Susann. It's a testament to who you are that, once you were able, you reflected on that time and changed your interactions with others based on your experience.

[@chad.littlefield]

Thank YOU for sharing a bit about 2013. Sounds like you've transformed a heap of loss into some deep rooted wisdom that will carry with you for the rest of your life. Probably not an equal exchange, but wisdom nonetheless. Grateful that you took the time to share such a thoughtful comment. Glad the video resonated so much with you.

[@reneepusey8380]

Great Connection Video! I believe tone and eye contact also play an important part of the conversation. Are you demonstrating authentic interest when asking "How are you?".

[@chad.littlefield]

For sure. Both tone and eye contact communicate your INTENT without even using any words. If you communicate that you really want to be here and you have my full presence of focus and I meant my question...I think that can actually fundamentally change the words that come out of peoples' mouths next. True in a meeting context as well.

[@eriktyler6402]

This topic really has had me thinking over the last day or so. And what you say here, Chad, helps pull some long-time thoughts together for me. A GREAT question asked by rote without supporting GOOD intent will often STILL fall flat. An OK or flubbed question asked with CLEAR and GOOD intent will still most often serve that intention anyway. And (here's the new piece that came into focus for me just now), NO QUESTION with GOOD intent will often STILL invite someone telling you honestly how they are. For instance, I've often found that if I've made my intention clear to someone that I care about them and am willing to listen, "It's good to see you" - or even just a hug hello - often has the same effect as a well-framed "How are you?" type of question. From there, the question I may ask is more meant to help them focus how to talk about something they may find difficult to get started with.

[@jeWElleOfTheTable]

eight percent. brilliant. what were the other 'options'? (",)

[@BuddhistZenDave]

When i was serving tables i always greeted tables by saying, "welcome to X, i will be your server today" and two people on a business lunch stopped talking, and in absolute unison looked at me and said "Good, how are you?". Very NPC behavior.

[@chad.littlefield]

HAHA! This is wild...and relatable to me-and likely most people. So much autopilot.

[@BradleyVanTreese]

Often, my response to how are you is... "Well, but that's not important. What's important is, how are YOU?" This will usually get a more honest response and occasionally launch a conversation.

[@marilynlop2376]

I love this! I have had this on my mind this week, so awesome that you recorded this video. At the Global Leadership Summit a couple of weeks ago, Vanessa Van Edwards talked about these type of questions, similar talk. Check it out! I appreciate this content and options provided. What was the best part about creating this video?

[@chad.littlefield]

Best part about creating this video was imagining how many conversations and interactions might improve ten fold because of the subtle shift of infusing INTENTION back into this question-and all our questions.

[@HayashiToshi-sn5qw]

That's Weird Way say How are you doing????

[@hysanify]

How are you doing?

[@chad.littlefield]

Hahahaha! I can appreciate this.