How To Deal With People Who Dominate Conversation

[@MyMyMy-ei9yj]

This is more if you're leading a workshop. What if you're at a dinner party with strangers and there's one annoying person who just talks all evening to the point that we become her audience and eventually, someone calls ME quiet? I was quiet because I couldn't get a word in!

[@chad.littlefield]

Fair, although I'd still say pointing out the elephant in the room is truly the only way to impact a dynamic like that.

[@Jennifer-di4nl]

Title should include "IN A GROUP SETTING"

[@chad.littlefield]

Mmm, this is super true Jennifer! I'm assuming you were looking for a video on how to deal with people who dominate the conversation in a one-to-one dynamic? If so, let me know. That could be a great topic for one of my future video tutorials 👍👍

[@Jennifer-di4nl]

@@chad.littlefield Yes. One on one. Please do a video because there are literally NONE on KZbin. Also, FYI I tried the tactic of not adding to the conversation just letting them speak and only responding with one word answers when absolutely necessary..... doesn't work....I actually timed the conversation last time and he talked for 35 mins without me saying ONE WORD. Not one word. Help! I can't disown them, they are family.

[@chad.littlefield]

@@Jennifer-di4nl oh my lanta! 35 minutes! This video might be helpful: kzbin.info/www/bejne/pGbGcqRrhN6mrck Have you tried reflecting back to them this exact dynamic? With something like, "Hey ____, pause for a minute. I just realized you've been talking for almost 20 minutes and I haven't said anything yet. Did you know that? I don't love this conversational dynamic. I'm wondering what we can do to fix it." I obviously don't know all the context, and I recognize there is a heap of social risk in a strategy like this. ANDDDD this is not a subtle dynamic you are experiencing, so it's very unlikely that a subtle tactic will help much at all.

[@rayross997]

I believe it was Mark Twain who said,"people were talking so much you couldn't get a conversation going".

[@chad.littlefield]

Mmm! Indeeeeeed!

[@rawcurls1]

Good tips, but I could never imagine saying "I don't want play yellow guy ping pong" or "I don't want to play black guy ping pong"... so in that same context I would never say "I don't want to play white guy ping pong" that's a completely inappropriate thing to say. The media has already put enough racial tension on the public, why add to it.

[@chad.littlefield]

I appreciate your perspective. How might you navigate the conversation? I recognize that my style is certainly a bit more blunt or direct than most folks. How might you acknowledge or call out the dynamic? To respond directly to your example...I probably wouldn't say "yellow or black guy ping pong" either. But I do wonder if I have a particular ability to call out dynamics created by white men...because I am a white man. Thanks for making me think more deeply today, Sharon.

[@houndyears2]

Would love to know who to use your approach with my neighbor one on one..she returned a dish and talked for about 10 minutes and left..my lips were still sealed.

[@mysteriousgamer5193]

HAHA! IT DOESN'T WORK WITH PEOPLE WHO IS ONE SIDED FOR CONVERSATIONS. WHEN THEY TALK A LOT AND GET UPSET IF YOU WANT A TURN TO SPEAK. ALSO IF THEY CONSTANTLY TALK OVER YOU AND TO OTHER PEOPLE, AND INTERRUPT YOU WHEN YOU ARE SPEAKING. THIS DOESN'T WORK FOR THIS PERSON WHO IS ONE SIDED ABOUT FEELINGS SO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT OTHERS SIDE. THAT THEY ARE HYPOCRITICAL IN CONVERSATION. THEY CAN DO A BAD TRAIT IN A CONVERSATION, BUT GOD FORBID I DO IT. THE SELFISH TALKER, YOUR SUGGESTIONS WILL NOT WORK FOR THIS!!!

[@chad.littlefield]

Even the direct approach at 5:50 would not work with the person you are referring to? I'm guessing by the ALL CAPS response that they are driving you a bit mad lately. It is REALLY frustrating to be in dialogue with somebody who is all too absorbed in their reality. I wonder what they really need or want.

[@osareafallire]

​@@chad.littlefield There's probably a need to feel superior due to feelings of low internal self worth. However, that's not a particularly enjoyable person to talk to. Tragically, pulling away from such a conversation is likely to just intensify their feelings and result in the next person who comes along dealing with an even more challenging conversation bully. I don't use that word to criminalize the individual because they're probably dealing with some fears that are just as frustrating to deal with as the person trying to get a word in edge-wise.

[@chad.littlefield]

@@osareafallire hard to know without meeting them, but you are probably onto something. Typically "bad behaviors" stem from a genuine desire to be liked, or to fit it, or to not be judged, etc. If you can react to the root cause rather than the symptom on display, it is a powerful way to cut to the heart of what matters in a conversation.

[@greatpilatesnow]

What about when you're not the facilitator??

[@chad.littlefield]

I'd start with a side chat. But while it is more social risk on you, having another peer or attendee call out the elephant in the room can be a very valuable reality check for a chronic over-talker. All these techniques can be practiced with an immense amount of love, compassion and understanding.

[@Millenialhermit]

Im here because I just finished a meeting for more than an hour with a colleague dominating the entire meeting and not allowing others to speak. It was awkward becuase Im supposed to be the one incharge or at Least the one to have more to say because Im the more senior one in the team and we are working on a project that Im more expert of ( and he is new in). but it was almost impossible to butt in when he is talking without sounding abrupt or rude. He is very passionate and probably has the best of intentions so Im hoping to learn how to deal with it the best way I could.

[@chad.littlefield]

Ooof! I feel your pain. 4 practical suggestions in here too in case that is helpful: kzbin.info/www/bejne/bnqpp5-IaJKDZrMsi=wUlFEXqF0S48XdJu

[@naturalisted1714]

What about people who basically tell you to shut up when the conversation isn't going their way? Today I tried to explain my opinion on something and the person didn't like that my opinion was the opposite of their's, so they literally decided the conversation couldn't carry on... He started like almost having a mini temper tantrum... Anything to stop me from saying my peace "you think too much" and "I don't want to fight!"... When it was a completely civil discussion, but he saw it as going to a point that he was going to potentially get very hostile if we continued. He often shuts down very mundane conversations with "you think too much". The other person there (his wife) was more than willing to continue the mundane conversation (talking about me being single/ dating world - they're a couple ten years older than me), and kept asking him "whats the big deal? Let him speak", and she was agreeing with my point (that I shouldn't take a girl I've never met before on an expensive date, that I should just meet for coffee for the 1st meeting), while he kept insisting that I was being stupid and should just spend money (he has this attitude of don't worry about money, yet he is a penny pincher himself) "$50 bucks", I said "yea, but that adds up over five first dates"... Perhaps he has high blood pressure... He just couldn't handle disagreement. This is something he does a lot, and I noticed this about other friends from my past, whom i quit talking to...

[@chad.littlefield]

I definitely can't speak too much in to this specific situation as it sounds incredibly nuanced and detailed. Yet one idea that could be useful is establishing a clear intention to the conversation. It sounds like the default intent is for one person to be right. But perhaps a more useful intention would simply be to hear two perspectives. This video would really help with getting a compelling others-centric intention: kzbin.info/www/bejne/gXycfIhvbMeDmck

[@ochosinco9275]

This has to be the worst these people always redirect conversation back to themselves and don’t seem to know when he quiet. Thank you for your video I just got done with dinner and am quite irritate 😂

[@mielsy]

Love the two pizza rule, wish it applied to school class sizes

[@chad.littlefield]

Oh gosh!! You and me both!

[@isloth75]

I love the phrase "elephant in the room", but one time I used it to describe how our leader was not addressing concerns, & it seemed like respondents looked at me like I was saying the leader was 'fat as an elephant'. One looked like they were about to chuckle. It became a bit odd. 😂😂😂

[@chad.littlefield]

Oh dear...🤦‍♂️ haha

[@billwilliann.thompson3036]

Siddharth Soni - You label this topic BS in Hindi.... Luckily you say you don't see the problem, yet I've lived to see it spoiling informal situations. I married into another (unnamed) culture. When my brother-in-law would arrive he would ask who is oldest - he knew it was he-himself - followed by "Then I will talk." After that, he would expect to be the only voice in the room - decide the topics and agenda. I had also run into that with another from my wife's culture of origin, who had exquisite ways to make it seem like he was the moderator in a get-together and bring the conversation back to himself, for example saying "uh-huh, uh-huh" approval as someone spoke. This was in a humbler cultural setting than either of ours, and I would feel sorry for the opportunity lost and for everyone that had dressed up and come across the city to be together, then only listening to this guy. Culturally, also an example is among Native Americans, the elders out of respect may mainly be the only ones speaking, but correctly bringing experiential relevance into serious matters. This trainer is very conscientious which is valuable both in cross-cultural and office or group situations when the "best idea" and brainstorming for alternatives - just everyone's opportunity - is valued and desirable as opposed to all decisions being made and arriving top-down. If people aren't heard they quit initiating change.

[@Neil-Mason]

love it! 👍 I've used one of these 3, good to have a wider collection of strategies! 🤪

[@chad.littlefield]

Great! These are good ideas to always carry around in our back pocket 👍👍 Good to continue to "meet" here, Neil.

[@SilipaVakaloloma-id6iu]

Chad thank you for your presentation this is where I use to lose my temper and feel bad now l will try to practice your inspiring techniques

[@lindavanderleelivingaligne600]

appreciate your tips and strategies Chad. Wondering if you and Will have discovered a way to allow people to opt out of a breakout room...that allows Zoom Meetings to take them into account when creating rooms? (Perhaps that's only in a Zoom webinar ?) Thank you.

[@chad.littlefield]

Hmmm, we always give people the option to just type "pass" into the chat once they land in breakout rooms. There is also an option to let participants choose breakouts that you can select in the moment. You could say, "if you can't or don't want to engage in breakouts, just don't select a room and you can hang out with me here in the main room." I find it better to acknowledge that some folks may not be able to converse (or may not want to) for a variety of reasons. And that is fine, but I'm still going to put them in breakouts, and they're welcome to be a "fly on the wall" in those conversations.

[@lindavanderleelivingaligne600]

@@chad.littlefield thanks for responding. I agree. Still hoping to find this other method as well, for certain situations. I participated in a large conference and people were told to put a 'o' before their name if they preferred not to go into a breakout. I assumed that this may have allowed for those folks to be automatically filtered out when figuring out numbers/room. Thanks again for your useful tips and generous spirit.

[@chad.littlefield]

@@lindavanderleelivingaligne600 with under 50 people, it's easy enough to manually shift and assign folks. 50+, it takes too long to accommodate everyones' preferences. I think setting the tone of "challenge by choice" and participate at a level of your own choosing often seems to be enough to take away any negative feelings of being "thrust" into a breakout room against your will.

[@HurricaneIrene07]

The leader does have a lot to do with the success of the group.

[@chad.littlefield]

For sure. The way the leader at the top treats the folks directly below/around them typically reflects the way front line team members treat each other and customers/clients.

[@notsharingwithyoutube]

I think the "flip the roles" technique could use some refinement. In some cases it may not be possible to avoid awkwardness or offense, but I think there is probably a method that lacks the passive aggressive nature of that one.

[@chad.littlefield]

Hmmm, appreciate the perspective. I'm thinking about it...because I do see how this could be delivered with "passive aggression"

[@notsharingwithyoutube]

@@chad.littlefield Well yeah, put yourself in the place of the person who knows you are talking about them and imagine how they might feel. It could be quite embarrassing, especially if everyone in the group gives them a little glance after your comment. You could simply be creating an environment that drives bright people away.

[@annbet3684]

They won't let you talk

[@siddharthsoni2555]

Pta nhi kyu.. Mujhr to bakwas lga

[@The_Joker_]

Very good 👍

[@ericzirk8422]

Great tips. What would you do if 2 black women were dominating the conversation?

[@ericzirk8422]

P.S. I looked up your video because a wounded needy lady was dominating a group conversation last night.

[@chad.littlefield]

@@ericzirk8422 I would actually apply all of my advice in this video...thank and acknowledge them. Reflect what I heard the theme of what they've been saying. State my intention to invite in other perspectives. And then I'd invite other folks to chime in. I'm curious for your situation what would feel "sticky" doing that ... with a "wounded needy lady" or "2 black women"?

[@ericzirk8422]

@@chad.littlefield I don’t understand your question about being “sticky”. People who dominate conversations are not always competent, knowledgeable high energy people. I think sometimes it’s a sign across the board that they’re insecure, or haven’t been severely wounded. I’m trying to figure out how to navigate these waters so that I can be of some help to them, but honestly feel overloaded, and in order to help the others in the group I feel I may come off as rude to the person who’s taken over the group.

[@chad.littlefield]

@@ericzirk8422 I think the fact that you are so tuned into this dynamic is evidence that the chances you'll deeply wound someone is unlikely. You've shown here that you're incredible considerate and thoughtful. I also believe that the only thing we can do in a facilitation role is give it our best to serve everyone while holding what is best for the group as a priority. Depending on the specific scenario, it is possible that it is best for the group to let someone air it ALL out and then invite somebody else or several folks to reflect what you heard that person say. I also think the comment and intent of "what you've shared is so valuable to the group! I'd love to hear other perspectives" is just about as gentle and loving as you can get. If that person gets wounded and hurt by that, I could argue that it is not on you.

[@isloth75]

I find it interesting that you have seen the need to use these interventions so often! ... 😂.. gosh!.. 😂😂😂