stop being nonchalant

[@ctscarolina]

this is exactly what i fight for with some ppl in my life bc i truly agree with you. i've been trying to act detached and nonchalant bc i've been hurt recently, but being emotionally mature is about feeling all your feelings regardless. i'm always trying to pass this message to the one's who act the same, but you said it better than i do. tysm for this video

[@MyCandidWorld]

thank you so much for watching. im glad this message was able to resonate with you.

[@stanleypierre5042]

Lol. It’s not “acting”. Although it is a mask like you said, It’s very deep rooted, subconscious and hard to move past

[@MyCandidWorld]

thank you for your input!

[@stanleypierre5042]

@@MyCandidWorldeverything you said about it is spot on though. I know cause I’ve been dealing with it my whole life

[@zackfazunila616]

i got this girl in highschool. when pandemic hit, she cheated on me. after a year, we got back together but i transformed myself into this nonchalant facade to protect my ego to not be hurt if she "cheated" again. she changed for the better and loved me as best as she could for 2 years. instead of appreciating that, i pushed her away and now i'm alone.

[@MyCandidWorld]

@@zackfazunila616 people come in and out of our lives for various reasons. the important thing is you know what went wrong in this case. what matters now is how you approach your relationships and interactions with people moving forward.

[@darkengine5931]

The one case where I might want to defend some degree of being closed off about at least our most negative thoughts and emotions to others is in a protective context. I wouldn't call it nonchalance though, and it's never for our own sake (more exchanging our own well-being for someone else's). For example, my parents didn't get along well at all by the time I was a little boy, and would frequently shout at each other violently in the heat of their arguments. Then my little sister would start crying hysterically in panic and my parents completely ignored her crying, so caught up in the heat of their own anger towards each other. So it became a ritual for me to pick her up and carry her into my room and lock the door and calm her down, pretending as though nothing is wrong and inviting her to wipe away her tears and offer to play games while trying our best to ignore all the shouting behind the door. If I didn't have my little sister, I would have probably been crying hysterically instead. But having her there made me realize I need to maintain at least the illusion of positivity and strength in front of her for her own sake to avoid feeding into the negativity and fear she experienced. I think I developed a very protective instinct as a result of her and have come to see some need to repress our vulnerabilities in protective/leadership contexts to avoid demoralizing anyone who follows our lead. Those protective instincts manifest in a variety of ways for me, not just emotionally. For example, I love to drink and party with my friends, but if even a single one starts slurring his/her speech and walking clumsily, then I instantly shut down my fun-loving mode, order nothing but non-alcoholic beverages from that point onward, and become like a hawk looking to protect that friend at any sign of trouble as well as carry them safely back home if needed. It has become instinctive now but I find a lot of value in it even if it ruins a lot of the fun I can have for the rest of the night. The balancing act I've always struggled with is when to turn that protective side off and be comfortable exposing my vulnerabilities without fear of demoralizing others in the process. I might sometimes err too much towards the protector side for my own good. One of the reasons my wife is so perfectly compatible despite my tendencies is that she's incredibly strong mentally and has protective leadership qualities of her own. She's thought of as the "big sister" in our social circle even by friends much older than her: they tend to confide their problems in her as they do me (I have a similar reputation and function in my social circle as a sort of "big brother"). Given her mental and emotional strength in this regard, she's the only woman I ever dated where I felt so comfortable confiding my most vulnerable thoughts and feelings to her, as she does to me, since I don't have to worry about demoralizing her in the process. She also has a very humorous side and teases me all the time which actually helps me to open up to her with this combination of humorous and affectionate banter we have together.

[@stanleypierre5042]

I do appreciate the vid though, how can I move past these feelings

[@darkengine5931]

​@@stanleypierre5042 Something that helped me enormously is to study about Stoicism and later Buddhism, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and Logotherapy. Just Stoicism got me most of the way there; the rest became helped me to reinforce that. There's the vernacular "stoic" vs. true "Stoic" as the ancient Greeks and Romans conceptualized it. The vernacular implies someone who represses their negative thoughts and emotions, and that can be very unhealthy and what I did originally. I'd still cry and do things like punch walls in anger, just in private, always repressing my negative thoughts to the point of an outburst and only having the discipline to have these outbursts when no one was watching. It was incredibly lonely. I don't encourage that in the slightest. The Stoic as in the way the ancient philosophers envisioned it, similar to the Zen Buddhist monk, is not someone who represses their negative thoughts and emotions and acts like they don't care, but just cultivates really positive thoughts and emotions: inner peace and joy. It's actually being a person who doesn't get upset very easily, not just pretending to be one. Explaining how to do this in a YT comment is a bit tricky but the first thing to realize is that how we feel, short of genuine physiological issues, is often dictated by how we think. So even the words we use in our minds and out loud can influence that greatly. As a simplistic example, say we're having a very hard day at work. We might be tempted to think or even say to somebody, "This job is the worst! It's awful!" Then we will tend to feel awful and stressed out and we can try to hide it or show it but we'll still feel awful. Or we can try to challenge our thought patterns and say something like, "Phew, this is a challenging day! But it's obviously not the worst; people have it worse, it could be worse." That might not make us feel so bad or even discouraged. It might even encourage us, help us endure the rough day, and come out genuinely smiling without faking our smile. It's all in the manner in the way we think. One of the things I failed to understand for a good portion of my life is that I thought when I was feeling bad, that's beyond my ability to control and so I thought the best thing to do most of the time was hide it. Yet when I started to realize that it's my thought patterns which were making me feel bad, and not what was happening to me so much as how I thought about it, I started to suddenly find a great deal of control emerging over how I felt about anything.

[@DivineGemini444]

Thank you!!! I didn’t know how bad i needed to hear that until now. ❤

[@MyCandidWorld]

@@DivineGemini444 of course! i’d recommend checking out the other videos in my “do better” playlist

[@YafetAgune]

Good video

[@KenishaKeyaria]

Thank you so much fr this frfr ❤ God bless

[@MyCandidWorld]

ofcc 🥰

[@Cozmocleve]

what if i’m just naturally nonchalant

[@MyCandidWorld]

@@Cozmocleve it depends. are you still displaying the negative traits and behaviors i talk about? or do you have a genuine lower response to things in life. it’s the difference between putting up a front to not care and caring but it not showing in a way most people are used to

[@YafetAgune]

Nonchalant is shit, if you think you are cool. Stop acting and come to the ring and let's fight.