Stop Being the "Filler Friend"

[@martizen]

it’s mind boggling to me when people make plans in front of someone they’re not intending to invite

[@bonaaq86]

Well, maybe they do so because it actually is an open invitation lol

[@murdanom]

Yeah, I feel like it's supposed to be a basic part of social ethics not to do that if it's not an open invitation😅 That doesn't stop people from doing it, making the video above important.

[@icelandicfaeinPNW]

It can be mind boggling but it’s also important to remember your actual standing with people and how well you are acquainted with the individuals that make up said group. Ask yourself and then ask them.

[@martizen]

@@murdanom very true

[@mutdog2184]

Happens to me a lot... and with people ive been friends with for years

[@andro293]

I feel like the ACTUAL fear is that they invite you out of politeness

[@schnoz2372]

Yea

[@peterstein2119]

Seems like their problem, if they didn't want you to come they didn't make that clear.

[@andro293]

@@peterstein2119 That... just makes it more scary, to be honest The fear isn't not being able to go to the party because you weren't invited, the fear is the subtext present when a party is thrown and you aren't invited. That subtext being: they don't want you around, which implies you're annoying/boring/other stuff. THAT's the actual fear Being invited naturally dissipates that fear because, hey, why would they have invited you out of the blue if they didn't want you around? they surely could've just kept you in the dark However, when you invite yourself in, either they reject it, and basically confirm your fear, or they accept it, and create the doubt in your head, "am I enjoyable or did they accept it just to be polite?"

[@peterstein2119]

@@andro293 but you aren't inviting yourself in, they're making plans in front of you, it would be natural to assume that you are included or at least that it is an open invitation. and if they are just excluding you right in front of your face, then they seem like dicks and not worth your time. I've ran down the same line of thinking, and it never helps to worry like that, just makes you reclusive or anxious.

[@andro293]

@@peterstein2119 It surely would be natural for someone confident, but for someone with social anxiety, the fears machine kicks in. "Perhaps they're planning it in front of me because they didn't even realize I'm here" And yeah, I know it doesn't _help_ to think like that, but that's how social anxiety works, and it's really hard to break out of it on your own

[@WanderTheNomad]

Oh, so it's like asking a girl you have a crush on to go out with you. They either accept you or reject you, but at least you know instead of wondering what they would've said.

[@spanzotab]

exactly! open and honest communication gets you places

[@MD.1111]

If it's like that then you know it might just not be a yes or no from all the memes 😂

[@WanderTheNomad]

@@MD.1111 didn't mention yes or no

[@wildfire9280]

@@MD.1111 “accept” or “reject” can be anything

[@MD.1111]

Right right mbmb

[@Dsworddance22]

Honestly if people don't invite me and I have to ask, I would still feel like the filler friend and just a background character. But Dr K's "is that an open invitation" is a good line to use

[@Absinthexx7]

I take this differently. If you have to ask every time, yeah I don’t blame you for feeling that way. A lot of times maybe they don’t know and don’t think you’d be interested. Maybe they invited you to things once or twice before but due to other obligations you couldn’t come and they make an assumption you aren’t interested in hanging out. By being the person who reaches out you’re also relieving your anxiety of whether they just don’t want you around, if that situation is constant and keeps you feeling that way another group might be better for you. I used to work with people that would invite me out and I went out sometimes, but they didn’t seem to understand if I said no. I tried to explain I don’t dislike them I just am not the kind of guy who likes going out every week and am kind of introverted, but they didn’t understand that and assumed I didn’t like them. Different people have different mindsets that sometimes can be hard to understand, it might be a different scenario to them than your default assumption

[@mothecodfish4926]

Yup, but I think Dr. K's point is that when you ask, at least you get a solid confirmation, not just a feeling, that these people aren't your real friends. And you can now begin the process of what to do with that ✨

[@lovekeego]

i assume they'd start to invite you after you've come to a few events with them using this method

[@brainardvillaverde5160]

In my group of friends I usually don't invite people to specific events when their interests are not alligned with the event. For example anime movies or anime cons, of course I won't invite my non weeb friends in the group. But it's still an open invitation and others can join.

[@reklom2334]

Sometimes people say yes to "can I come?" Then behind your back their like "uggh why'd they have to invite themselves in. Cant they take a hint. Now we have to be there with them" Edit: I'd like to point out that in this scenario. The one who asked is not in the wrong. The "supposed friends" who talk behind backs like that are being immature and showcasing poor communication

[@Lilitha11]

It is really difficult to tell some times if you don't ask. A lot of time people are completely cool with you going along. Some times, people even expect you to come and they sort of take it for granted so don't even ask. Some times people don't think you would be into it, so don't ask but you actually are into it. There are all sort of situations.

[@noteuser15]

So true. Them straight up not wanting you there is actually very rare. But I struggle with always defaulting to thinking it has to be that. As do many people.

[@Crustee0]

​@@noteuser15 well, you can slowly change the mindset. Instead of just "they dont want me to join" you can add a premise like, "maybe they dont want me to be there because its nostalgia hangout event for their other circle. Me being there would be pretty awkward not knowing a lot of the events they are going to talk about so they hesitate to invite me." If we gonna overthink it might as well overthink it so far it isnt negative anymore lol

[@1PhantomT]

Yeah this is why I learned many ways of thinking so that I can think of all those reasons you just said, brake them down to the most likely one, and then act on it and/or change it. So if I think someone doesn’t like it, I’m gonna ask and not just assume.

[@improvingguitarist1595]

Yeah my friends and I would usually hold a study group but every few oftens I would forget to invite someone in our friend group and they'd feel upset. I mean, I felt like it was already a given for them to come

[@user-ht1ft3dy3s]

I used to do that when I was 13 and was extremely shy and lacked social skills. It was a terrible idea, since they would say "sure you can go" but then the wouldn't talk to me or include at all so I was still a filler friend, they just let me come out of pity. I'd say, if a group of people is not open to accepting you, don't try too hard. Use that energy to connect with people who are not assholes

[@doctorsphoenix4681]

Totally agree! You can tell if people don’t really care if you’re there… my way to tell that some previous friends didn’t really care about me is they would talk about plans for their little clique to hang out, in front of me. Did not invite me and I could tell they just didn’t care much about me. Asking them if it was an open invite wouldn't have made them care about being friends with me. It would’ve at the most made them pity invite me for that hangout if that. (I knew they didn’t want to hang with me because I would always suggest that we should hang and they’d never take me up on my offer!) Invest in people who actually like you and want to be around you!! It makes better friendships :)

[@ArgoBargo]

I think if the answer was along the lines of “sure, you can go” that might’ve been the sign

[@aff77141]

Applying the same social rules from middle school to every single persons adult life is probably not that helpful

[@user-ht1ft3dy3s]

@@aff77141 yes, that's true, it´s not the same. I still think that if someone is not inviting you and you have to ASK it's because they don't care too much about you. I rather spend time with other people.

[@seapeajones]

Nah. Sometimes, especially if you're new to the group it's helpful to ask. Ultimately, It's more helpful for you to be open about what you want & be clear where you stand.

[@umcaraqualquer3640]

I've had both reactions. I've had people who I thought disliked me laugh and say "What the hell, man? Of course you can come along!" and make me feel genuinely included, and I've had the exact opposite happening too. Being clear in communications is key to getting what you want.

[@Diency.]

It's very common to let people go just for the sake of being polite, but not really being excited about it or necessarily wanting them there. That's where the problem is for me: "Yes" doesn't always mean "yes :D"

[@timonix2]

This. If someone asks if they may come the social convention is to say yes. Always. Regardless if you actually want them to come or not. Otherwise you will be the arsehole. Now if they don't show up, because why would they? They don't want them to be there, remember. Now they are the arsehole who won't show up when invited.

[@aff77141]

​@@timonix2 this is patently false man

[@LifeLoveandViolin]

I asked this once and got chastised immediately with "are you really inviting yourself?" I don't talk to them any more.

[@codyp2808]

The number of times that people have told me "Oh you wanna come? Hell yeah!" or something like it, is shocking. They're just as self conscious as you 9/10 times. Don't create your own disappointment and then blame other people

[@warren4033]

The most i get is oh sure you can come and then i feel like i dont want to because i know ill be invisible the whole time because they really didn't want me there but were being "nice"

[@bakersmileyface]

"Yeah sure you can come!" "Oh shit actually I don't want to go, I just thought you'd refuse"

[@TalooshDaBoss]

If you ask them it's really hard for them to say no or find some reason even if they don't want you to come, so you'll probably get labeled as the person who forced their way in anyways because they couldn't say no

[@loversspit]

that's their problem, then. you are doing the effort of asking honestly and openly, maturely, so they should take the risk to do the same in reciprocity. worrying about this only leads to being even more stuck in these situations. take the risk, and in the worst of cases, you ultimately know they aren''t the people you'd like to hang out with anymore! you should always feel welcomed :)

[@georc16]

Not to mention if they think that's something that they should worry about and they really don't want you there, they won't rudely talk about their plans in front of you going forward. Or if they keep doing so, seems like a green light to me that they're ok with you but maybe didn't consider inviting you directly. Seems like a win-win to me

[@HRZN_YT]

Depends on the situation and the person. There are also non confrontational ways to say someone isn't invited without hurting their feelings.

[@SnailHatan]

Yeah, no.

[@natxon]

i guess we gotta pay attention to their expression/voice too to see whether they're hesitating 😭

[@chai_lattes]

Honestly it's less about being a filler friend and more about people lacking consideration. The same people who rudely make plans in front of others are the same ones inviting themselves to private plans. Like everything should be open and available to them, but they gatekeep what's "theirs".

[@aff77141]

Either you need new friends, ooe there's a WILD misunderstanding going on

[@cryp0g00n4]

For anyone missing the point, the point is to gauge their reaction. NOT TO GET INVITED. its a test.

[@BlackPenzo]

I feel like this puts people in an awkward situation because I personally would feel bad and wouldn't say "no, you can't come"

[@aff77141]

Then use a text message to plan next time, right?

[@jareerareerarr5053]

Tbh then it's also those people lacking social skills. Its rude to make plans in front of someone who you are with if you have no intention of inviting them.

[@HealthyGamerGG]

Link to the full video - kzbin.info/www/bejne/kGKxnayKg5qJn7c

[@av_kay5059]

That’s a really good line for a rare occurrence but if they’re constantly leaving u out and u need to say that every time then they’re prob not good friends

[@krombopulos_michael]

The thing is though that once you've gone along once and expressed interest, as long as it went well and everyone had a good time, then it's more likely you will be included in future. I have a friend group where there are some people who are almost always wanting to join in on stuff and go along, and others who only do very occasionally even when they're invited. You tend to start prioritising inviting the former and not the latter when you're making plans just because you know they're reliable and more likely to join in.

[@av_kay5059]

@@krombopulos_michael Yes but if theyre long standing friends and youve showed interest once and then after that it went back to the same old then its time to get new ones

[@ViewfromtheVoid]

Exactly.. especially when all your other friends did get invites and one of them asks: "Hey.. are you going to *insert name* as too?" "Well.. I didn't receive an invite.. so I think I'll pass." Because to then also overcome the awful feeling of being excluded you now have to in a way embarass yourself by asking the "excluder" if you can be included. No thank you.

[@av_kay5059]

@@ViewfromtheVoid yerp And everyone will just see u as annoying and not bat an eye at the fact that they’re just terrible friends U shouldn’t have to remind people ur friends with them It not only becomes grueling but also depressing for the one asking to be included, pain u should save urself from by getting new friends But that’s just my 2 cents

[@user-hplt]

in my friend group we usually don’t directly invite someone unless we’re doing something near where they live or we know it’s something they’ll be particularly interested in. we have a pretty big groupchat so someone will usually just ask “what are we doing next weekend?” with the implication that “we” = anyone in the group who is able and willing to come that day. there’s a few of us who hang out the most consistently, which is largely due to location and proximity, but everyone is always welcome and whenever someone we don’t see often asks if they can come or says that they will be showing up, it’s awesome! I personally think making plans in a groupchat where you plan/hope to exclude someone is toxic af, and I promise that there are ppl out there who won’t do that bs and will appreciate you.

[@4eyezwhitedragon]

I agree and started acting in confidence like this. But some people are really weird, later on I've heard how my "friends" misconstrued me asking if it's an open invitation to me inviting myself, makes the decision to leave a group easier but still hurts that some mutual people might think that I'm weird

[@fetamean]

It all comes down to us communicating as a species better

[@peterjones6513]

I live life very comfortably with no friends, so I never have to worry about this

[@notaburneraccount]

Sounds like a good life. I've worn myself out trying hard to be a good friend when my "friends" don't put in much effort except a couple of them. Now most of my friends are in relationships so I'm lucky if they even respond to my messages. I don't want friends anymore. I don't see the point.

[@mark42881]

I think the issue with this though is that depending on the event or the plans, people would just say yes so as not to be rude, even if they secretly prefer you'd not come. So it's not just whether or not they say yes to it being an open invitation, it's how they say yes that you need to be able to read. And that depends on your individual ability to read versus the person you're talking to's ability/willingness to hide their emotions.

[@adaliawright6891]

This is groundbreaking for me. Thank you so much

[@pplwhoreplyisorangutan8543]

You can't be a filler friend if u dont have a friend.

[@notaburneraccount]

I call that a win lol

[@Carrotline7_7]

Me an introvert when people say "No you cant come" Me: Yay awesome!

[@Mirza6769ch]

I been living like that since middle school, high school and even in college sometimes, some so called "friend" see me as a tool for their use. At this point I don't even know if I have a friend that I would call "brother". It feel like my void or hole in my chest keeps getting bigger other than fill. I to the point wonder how long until I stop feeling loneliness.

[@SuperLotus]

The only problem is if they say yes and let you come that one time, but then when another event comes up they don't invite you. You often won't even know they're hanging out without you unless you hear them talking about what they did the night before or whatever. It's still good advice, but don't expect it to solve the mystery of whether you're a filler friend.

[@smokeydapot]

I would say the brightside to that is at least they don't do it in front of your face anymore. You stood up for yourself a little bit, and people's behavior toward you changed for the better.

[@noparticularhandle]

It's better to have no friends having people whom you treat as good friends but does not reciprocate the same treatment

[@echillykahlil]

Absolutely terrifying, lol

[@SnailHatan]

A hell of a lot less terrifying than living your life on the sidelines on autopilot making zero choices of your own.

[@bonaaq86]

Why is it terrifying tho? The people you hang around are not welcoming or st?

[@RaWasabi]

Right? I don’t think I’d be able to ask lol, thankfully I’ve never been in that situation

[@Born_Stellar]

problem is with my friend group in high school is that I wouldn't know of the event till afterwards. the excuse was always 'we thought you were working' because I was the only person with a job apparently. not friends with those people anymore.

[@phoenixjklin]

I never ask if I can join because I don’t feel like it’s my responsibility to include myself in what is supposed to be a friendship. I feel like it only exposes how much they actually care or don’t care about me. If they cared enough then they’d make it clear that I was also invited OR have the decency to not discuss those plans in my company. I don’t care if they make plans without me, but I care if they respect me enough to not make me uncomfortable or uneasy by presenting a situation where I’m not included. Even if they say something like ”Oh whoops, lol, you can also come if you want to” then I already feel like I’m intruding as I obviously wasn’t part of the initial plan. And I’m not gonna be the one dude who just tags along because I got invited as an after thought or because someone got embarrassed that they ”forgot” or somehow didn’t notice me in the group. At that point it is a pity invite, but more in the sense so that the person giving out invites doesn’t have to feel bad or embarrassed because they were rude. And yes, it’s rude. More often than not.

[@DarkStarRules]

I did this like last week with a person I consider my "friend" at college, but I wasn't sure if that was reciprocated. So, when our lecture ended, he and his friend were going to go to their dorm to play a party game. I asked if I could join and then we spent the next two hours playing King of the Castle. So yes, this is the answer to no longer being a filler friend :)

[@kaanozk]

Not gonna lie, I just forgot to invite people, they are never fillers, I'm just a guy with ADHD.

[@melaniewilson1742]

Same tbh

[@hadifahiyeyo]

Hi just a reminder to not to blame adhd for everything

[@kaanozk]

@@hadifahiyeyo you have no clue how much it impacts my life. I denied it for a decade and suffered miserably. But I take your good intention not to excuse, but also stop blaming myself for every little thing others feel bothered by.

[@spaghettigal]

As someone who also has ADHD, I would never 'forget' to invite someone I cared about because I know all too well what it's like to feel rejected and the effect that that has on someone.

[@kaanozk]

@@spaghettigal good to know we are not the same person. let me know if this changes.

[@twocows2403]

My job is extremely social by nature, I’m a waiter, and my coworkers are always making plans. When I first started I felt horrible over not being involved but as I got better about this kind of stuff and I found out that trying to get involved, politely of course, wasn’t such a big deal, I got more ok with people doing stuff without me. This will help you out a ton not just with making friends and going out, but with being more secure when you’re alone. I have zero gripes just relaxing and gaming by myself when I’m tired lately. That FOMO feeling is brutal for your confidence as a whole.

[@dibsdibs3495]

But what if they say “Uh sure I guess so.” How am I supposed to handle that?!

[@ProfCube]

"cool"

[@anewbeggin]

Enthusiastically reply back, hell yeah, I’ll see you then and then move on with your life.

[@zebedeesummers4413]

@@anewbeggin or say, thank you and just don't go and find people who more openly express wanting you there. They might express disappointment in you not coming, then go to the next one knowing full well they are hoping you come. Or they seem to ignore you if you do go, regardless of how they respond you'll have more data to know if it is worth pursuing their companionship.

[@cacaw_0]

There might be a reason totally unrelated to you for their hesitation. If you feel their response as forced just say "are you sure? i don't want to intrude in your plans if you'd prefer to be left alone."

[@dibsdibs3495]

@@Dimitris_Half what?! No! How can I possibly risk that?! This is just to anxiety inducing on so many levels. I’d honestly just punch a wall in private as fast as possible after that. Man my first therapy session next week can’t come soon enough 😅

[@ansheng9833]

You may also want to observe the other characters that are revolving around the group, like does this core group have a pattern of excluding people and using filler friends. Usually if you pay closer attention you will realise that you're not the first filler friend or one to get left out, and you're definitely not the last. This way you can determine if these people are worth the effort and if you should even want to join them in the first place or not.

[@greatwhitesufi]

I gotta add that sometimes it really would be weird if you come along, like if it actually is not an open invitation thing or maybe if those friends are gonna go on double dates or something. So you should expand your dataset about this until it's painfully obvious to you how they feel about you joining in.

[@redgreen2453]

“If you are in a group…” Yeah I’m a few serious breakthroughs away from this one applying to me 😅

[@HobzVHS]

Ya this works very well. Even in different circumstances when a couple mutual friends might brought up an event/gathering that might taking place because of another person that you have not acquainted with. I’ve met some new people that way if I hadn’t ask I wouldn’t of met them because they didn’t know me before hand. Each scenario my friends had to check with someone if it would be ok if I tagged along because I would be coming over to someone’s house I hadn’t met yet, or to perhaps a party with usually couples. But since I new the majority of them, just whoever set up the event didn’t know me yet. But even when I meet new people who I get a good vibe off of, it never hurts to ask to see if they actually care to build good relationships with if possible.

[@csaratakij6339]

Ask them if you can go, then reject the invitation to break the filler friend arc.

[@seeseembo]

this is actually great advice, unless you’re going through the psychological warfare that is being a girl in high school there is little to no chance people will purposely make plans in front of you that you couldn’t be a part of, even mean high school girls don’t do that very often it’s just weird especially when texting exists

[@darkphoenix7342]

I wish there was an equivalent of "is it an open invitation?" that sounds just as good in my native language. 😅 But even if I say that, I'd still think "what if they are only inviting me to avoid offending me?"

[@raythenbrown7280]

I don’t know about most people, but I’m not afraid i won’t be able to go. For me, I’m more petrified by the yes from someone who doesn’t mean it. The pitty yes. The “what was I supposed to say, no?” Types of situations, where you were invited, but you were never welcomed

[@Eirikasacredstones]

I've been this friend many times and, long time after they said yes they all said it was too awkward to say no or they felt bad for leaving me out. 😢😢😢 still, I didnt show up to much places cuz I knew they were just doing it out of pity rather than being actually friendly.

[@hamchurger4566]

Ok so 2 things i would say about this. 1 tell them you would rather be straight up with you rather than being pitiful (they are the only ones making it awkward). 2 they are bad friends imo

[@Muahaha651]

The worst part is when you get invited, but you’d rather stay home lol

[@samsabee2055]

Literally ive been using this strategy for years. If you dont feel valued or included, try including yourself and see if youre valued.

[@jasonsimpson1397]

I’d rather say “I don’t know if I’m invited, but I can’t make it anyways”

[@notaburneraccount]

Good one lol

[@sidneydecker-buntzman6183]

The friend walking behind on the sidewalk

[@michaelemaurer5383]

I’m going to share this with my clients. Thanks!

[@smokeydapot]

I tried doing the same with my clients. Turns out people don't appreciate life advice from their window cleaner.

[@macunaima2664]

is this a open invitation?

[@michaelemaurer5383]

@@smokeydapot I'm a fortune teller :) my clients appreciate practical advice as well as divination

[@Luke_]

@@smokeydapot Brilliant 🤣

[@Water8500]

@@michaelemaurer5383 Repent.

[@Ziylol]

This deadass happened to me today 💀

[@danieltrujeque5184]

I just want people to care about me as much as I care about them

[@anthonymaldonado5771]

First step make friends ,second step take advice

[@MarijnLangejan]

Did this for a holiday ones, they let me go, it was amazing

[@Moose92411]

The thing I had to start understanding was "what's the worst that happens if I ask?" If these people are actually friends, they'll give you a judgement free straight answer, yes or no. If they judge you, then they're not your friends to begin with, and I'd rather learn that now than be ignorant.

[@runnfromtheak5972]

But sir…ANXIETY

[@kyosukeplays]

I have people across my life saying stuff in front of me not actually thinking “he can’t hear us” They don’t want to be called out, and I’d prefer they kept their secret plans away from me unless I’m on the front lines of making plans with them.

[@redacted8008]

It's my worst nightmare being invited to something. I'm running out of excuses to decline the well-intention offers, send help.

[@ItsLoHere]

I wish I knew this in high school. I was 100% the filler friend in the group

[@noahgilbertson7530]

it’s ok because if they make plans in front of you and don’t allow you to come, you found out they’re not worth your time because they are mean spirited

[@belthazarthedestroyer4371]

People exhaust me so I don’t really care much but it seems I’m either a complete filler friend no one gives a shit about during times I want company or when I don’t then suddenly everyone wants to hangout

[@tabulasmara]

It’s kinda cool how KZbin tells me you’re a licensed professional

[@skleetbeast]

It depends on the context. Sometimes people hang out with friends they havent seen in a long time and then it would be inappropriate for you to ask to come along. So don't do it for reunions or very intimate gatherings.

[@akirebyrne]

The point is “watch the reaction”. If the group is shocked, even taken aback, or even annoyed in the sense of “bro, do you even have to ask?” Then they are your friends and they didn’t know there was a subplot of you being a filler friend in your reality. And at that point, fill them in, and work from that. If the reaction is hesitant or straight up “no”, then reevaluate if you really want to keep being in that space. Because you can only control yourself, everyone else is going to be the autonomous human beings they are.

[@raybows]

I don't necessarily feel like the filler friend but recently I've been feeling like I'm just the side character. I've always been an introvert and my best friend is extroverted, and this example kinda hit close to home as something like that happened recently. I was traveling with friends and while I was showering they made plans without consulting me, just expected me to tag along. I was included in their plans but didn't have a say and that hurt my feelings. But I didn't want to say something and ruin the vibe... I'm trying to learn how to say no and express that I want my opinions to be heard but I also don't want to sound annoying, you know? It sucks.

[@FetenWuWa]

Idk about this, I feel like this is a more nuanced issue. It's very rare for people to make plans in front of someone they do not intend to invite. But what's even rarer is people refusing to let you come with them without giving a reason why rather than just shutting you out. What's most likely going to happen is they either say yes out of pity which will lead to you feeling uninvited or out of place when you assist. Or they say no while also giving a morally justifiable reason which will be backed up by peer pressure for you to agree to the outcome and possibly not questioning the motifs behind the exclusion. This actually leads the filler friend to find himself in a more frustrating and confused position in the group.

[@FaizalKuntz]

filler friend is just happens when you don't connect with people you consider friends with

[@aquablu3876]

I made a mistake where they made plans to do something together and I like squeezed in because the thing was for a project and we were a group. Turns out they just wanted to have fun and me being there kinda ruined it for them. I really didn't know.. I feel stupid now

[@hadriankun]

ok but my pride will crumble to even ask lol. that's why i just withdraw instead and cry

[@jaahas6870]

there are 5 seats in a car, my friend group has 6 people + one with strict parents. Guess who gets to be the one to sit it out when they decide to go for a drive

[@zed90_OW]

Use your thoughts and wield it as a weapon instead of shield. If you find yourself being pity invited use it as a sword and guide the next interaction into their “vitals” (hey do you actually want me here) or back into the “sheath” (should I even consider myself having fun or wanting to go)

[@stanleyelnats]

The problem is that if Im not invited then I no longer want to go and I just stop hanging out with them.

[@meowingtea]

i like your username haha

[@pigghey5592]

A big fear of mine is that people don't actually like me and is only being polite. The reason is that it is currently happening in my friend group. We have one guy that noone really likes that invites himself to shit and we have no idea how to go forward with him. The funny part is that atleast I have tried talking to him about because i did like him in the past I just don't know what changed. But it did nothing, he didn't really understand what i was trying to say i think.

[@harrytowers1076]

Yeah then I’d go and my brain would just constantly remind me that they wouldn’t have invited me if I hadn’t asked so everyone secretly doesn’t want me there and make it even more awkward..

[@lukemeissner1741]

I’ve been a filler friend my whole life. I don’t know what a real friend is anymore.

[@abdullahshahj7194]

like asking if i can come is the easiest part but usually i can’t have a connection with the group cause i have zero interest in their conversations and it’s like i don’t know what to say so im just there silently without adding anything

[@StarBrlight]

Needed this in highschool 😂

[@cabbage_cat]

My introvert ass would never

[@akshatrastogi4969]

tbh i never felt anything like this, i only went to like what 4 parties in past 6,7 years. And i just don't pay much attention that i am not invited

[@demonking8984]

I always do this once or twice but at some point inviting yourself over and over feels exhausting.

[@GermanyJerseyShore]

Thanks big homie for the stellar advice. Gets stressful out there sometimes. But what should you do if you want to get invited, then get invited, and then change your mind at the last minute and not look like a douche. Personally I just turn my phone off or 'accidentally' block numbers. Hope this helps

[@Rpodnee]

It's always better to just ask because then at least you know for sure instead of wondering endlessly. Same with asking somebody out. Don't live in a fantasy!

[@hanthitsaing8091]

Don't be a side character. Be the 6th ranger.

[@justinhernandez1177]

I use this all the time. Be sure you actually like these group of people and not just trying to fit into the group. I will say, "I'm pretty into *said event* mind if I join along? Cool, if I tag along with you guys"? Never failed unless I did read the environment wrong, like a private event or I actually don't like the people as much as I thought.

[@elbondidlo6046]

I make plans in a vc and everyone there is automatically invited

[@EricCosner]

I can remember a time when people would forget to invite me, but anymore people invite me to things, and I get all stressed out because I’d rather just not 😂

[@yashthorat69]

They Invite me I never go

[@kurisuchiinu1206]

What's funny is they did it outside the group chat... and they knew that they made plans with me with that event and yet... they chose to do it with their other friend because I was too unsure LOL.

[@joshjacob1530]

This mentality has spread to all peoples sadly.

[@joshjacob1530]

This is why it’s important to have your massive wand be known so you know it’s done out of pettiness which makes it even more funny.

[@WarriorCJ909]

Squeex’s hair is looking good

[@brianwilson8268]

To me, it feels like I'm a filler friend, but I'm usually one of the first people invited. Almost like Rock Lee in Naruto. Like I'm coming for the mission cause obviously, but Im not doing anything

[@deathechovii]

Been there before, twice. Introduced two separate friends to another only to be ghosted by them later....whatever.

[@johnathonwaymire9483]

The problem is, people will say yes when they don't want or intend on you coming, thus promoting a bad event for you, and perpetuating the "filler friend" dynamic.

[@tobubiify]

I lived for a long time of "just asking" and instead they create a distance with me more and more. Because i ask them, now they felt obligated to include me in, and they don't like that. They think i crossed my boundaries too often because i always asks. "It's their fault to not say it outright to you" you might think, what i think too, but your opinion doesn't matter when the majority disagrees with you, you're just simply wrong. Or maybe it's just an Asian thing, because i grew up in Internet, social media and stuff and i mostly follow western media, and i just feel like some of the things there, despite being good, are not that applicable on the other part of the world.

[@miss.green237]

past experiences have taught me the exact opposite, both for myself & others. if people truly wish for someone's presence, they'll ask for it. otherwise, the person asking for an invite is simply an intrusion & a nuisance.

[@vortexnebula0]

An old friend of mine would just invite me to things to just have another body there, even though he couldn't stand my guts. Like, I know you don't like me, so why invite me? Is it out of pity? Are you trying to stroke your ego? I would only go just to get out of the house, but come on, if you actually wanted me there, ask me privately rather than in front of others. Or just make plans with the other people than to make yourself look like a good person. I no longer have friends because I keep getting people like this in my life. People who wants someone there just to have them there, even if they didn't like them

[@Urlocalpope]

People literally ask me this sort of thing all the time and I just look at them weird cause like if you heard the invitation that means ur invited too. Like I would ask privately if I didn’t wasn’t inviting u. Way I see it, if you know that I’m doing a thing, ur invited too. Or else I would ask the other people privately. I really don’t understand the concept of making plans in front of someone ur not inviting. Like why would you hang around someone u don’t like. If there’s only a certain amount of spots for the thing we’re going to, I tell everyone the amount of spots and let them fight it out, and whoever misses this time is guaranteed for next time.

[@wavez4224]

The thing is some people just make plans in front of people they don’t plan on inviting so they not sure. Like for example I have a friend who kinda does this at times. Me and him plan on going to someone’s house and then while talking to a different friend else he’ll bring it up. Personally I’m the same as you I wouldn’t really mention something to someone if they weren’t invited

[@Kizamo]

If you’re not invited, doesn’t that mean people just don’t want you there tho? I don’t I tried this and ended up regretting it. I asked the people I thought were my friends if our other friend and I could tag along, they said yes, but turns out they didn’t want us there and resent us for it. 2 weeks later, they’d been building up rage apparently and screamed at us that we invited ourselves and ghosted us lol. This is an unlikely scenario, I guess I just got unlucky. We used to hang out everyday and then suddenly poof after that one time. I thought real friends wouldn’t do that, but I guess some people are just awful.

[@MsUndertaker99]

You can't be a filler friend if don't have any friends ☝️

[@anotherjacob]

but what if they make the plans and just simply don’t tell me about them and i have to find out over social media posts days later 😅