Stop Losing Yourself in Relationships - Terri Cole

Do you feel like every time you get into a relationship you start to lose yourself? Does your identity get all tangled up with the person you’re seeing? Do you start to forget or neglect the things that make you, YOU?
Maybe you used to have a real passion for something but abandoned it because you felt like it would detract from your relationship? Or maybe you’re in a long-term, committed partnership and you can’t seem to remember the last time you did something for just YOU and only you.
Don’t get lost in your relationship.
I’m talking all about how to create and maintain healthy, vibrant, lasting love and spoiler alert: losing your identity or compromising who you are when you’re in a relationship isn’t healthy.
YI’m covering how not to lose yourself when you’re in a relationship, why you might be prone to it and why you don’t want that kind of dynamic with your partner.
Get the meditation here: www.terricole....
About Terri Cole
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and global leading expert in female empowerment. For two decades, Terri has worked with some of the world’s most well-known personalities from international pop stars to Fortune 500 CEOs. Terri has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible, and then actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change i.e. true transformation. She empowers over 250,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, Real Love Revolution and Boundary Bootcamp + her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. She is also the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free (April 2021)
WHERE TO FIND ME:
Facebook: www.facebook.c...
Twitter: / terri_cole
Instagram: / terricole
Pinterest: / terricolelcsw
Terri Cole: terricole.com

[@wylldgypsyrose]

Terri, another hit the nail on the head video. In a few of my early relationships I really did lose myself for the sake of what I presumed was expected of me. I learned this from my mother, who had a very wonderful relationship with my father, but was forever worried about what others thought about her. I had actually given up on finding a partner & men in general. That was a week before I met the man who did become my partner. One of the first things I told him was " if he was looking for a Mommy, he knew where she lived". I swore that I was never going to be controlled by another man, or be chief cook & bottle washer based on my gender. Respect, trust & loyalty can be so sexy. We both get to be exactly who we really are 24/7, no games. Bless us everyone. 😁💖

[@terri_cole]

Yes!!!!!!!

[@moulee7448]

It happens to me..i really lose myself..i become codependent..i feel like i am totally depended only on him to be happy..i just shatter every hobbies passions likes dislikes friends that i took so long to nurture..idk why i do this? Am definetly not happy with this aspect of myself

[@terri_cole]

I feel you. You matter. Loving and caring about yourself is your number one priority. Use the meditation here to come home to yourself as many times as you need: www.terricole.com/stop-losing-yourself-in-relationships/

[@rebekahk8439]

This is SO speaking to me! I kept saying the exact words you said about being a martyr, throwing a parade for him, and never asking him to do things he felt were "required." It's nice to be free of it and have my feelings validated through your words.Thank you for your podcasts and knowledge you're sharing! I appreciate and value it!

[@tarahaynes5509]

Woah.. honestly this should have more views than it has. I needed this so badly because it’s true, I’ve pushed people away for my relationship with boyfriend.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you Tara! I am so glad you find it useful and resonant. I see you, you're not alone.

[@rachellewis6383]

Great video. I needed to hear this. I’m so lost. But ready to find my way back to myself.

[@terri_cole]

Witnessing you, Rachel. It is a process, but this is taking the first step in that direction of coming back to yourself.

[@bonniemurphy1057]

Thank you so much Terri.....your You Tubes have thrown so much light and clarity on behaviours I was not able to describe with words. ❤

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@EileenRedmond-e3d]

It was soo true!! As always Thx you for your brilliance Terri!!

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@andreasleonlandgren3092]

The very ground in a relationship is taking the other person into account as well as yourself. Dialectic

[@samanthapearsall2364]

Needed this. I am guilty of all of this! Time for some self work, thanks Terri!

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for being here. I'm witnessing you with compassion.

[@elhadjdiallo7533]

Tobe straight forward with you your episode sounds accurate and phenominal ....... I wish you all the best. In life

[@martingonzales]

Damn, i feel like i dont know how to start setting boundaries. I am the insecure partner. I need space from my boo. I love her. She is healthier than me. Im trying my best but its hard when i cant see or voice what i need for my own self

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ Needing space isn't necessarily a bad thing. Some of us are wired that way. What makes you think you're the insecure partner or that your partner is healthier than you? As for boundaries, I wrote an entire book about it and have plenty of free videos on my channel about where to start, but I often suggest beginning with where you feel the most resentment in your life. That's a good indication a boundary is needed. This might be anything you feel like you're just "tolerating," or tired of. I hope that helps!

[@ekeneisaac3974]

Thank you for this. Please do a video on tackling jealous lovers.

[@terri_cole]

What specifically about jealous lovers interests you?

[@ekeneisaac3974]

@@terri_cole I would love to know how to handle possessive & jealous lovers. Do you tackle them indirectly (like pretend you agree with them, and then do your thing/be yourself behind them)? Or do you make your stand clear and do what makes you happy irrespective of how they feel? Or do you just avoid them or break up with them? What are the signs that its time to walk out of a relationship with an extremely jealous person? I'll really appreciate answers to these questions. Your videos have been so helpful. Many thanks.

[@Kim-kw7fo]

Hi Terri, coule you make a video on having a conversation about love languages and attachment styles with a partner. So many people dont understand any of this stuff.

[@drawneartohim7070]

hi Terri 🌻💛 could you please do a video about twin flames in separation it’s so gut wrenching

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for the suggestion!

[@sianmegginson8110]

This on only possible if you have a trustworthy partner and they trust you.

[@sara-dx3ix]

Awesome advice Terri thank you. I used to give my all in relationships but stopped after serious work on myself it's taken time but I'm stronger now and set boundaries. I recently started dating a great man but after 6 weeks am just discovering he's bought a tonne of emotional exe baggage with him & erectile disfunction. I've tried helping compassionately but he's popping viagra & won't talk to me about what's going on. He's 47 same as me. My gut says leave, should I trust it? Any advice would be appreciated.

[@terri_cole]

I'm glad the video resonated with you. I can't make that call for you about whether to stay or go. But it does sound like a breakdown in communication, and especially around an issue that is probably sensitive for him. If you choose to stay, let him know that you want to understand him better and know how you can best support him. Know your boundaries about what you are ok with and stick to it.

[@sallyflanders1608]

I call it the love bubble. Guilty

[@terri_cole]

I see you 💕

[@caleuxx9108]

Hi Terri. Great helpful info in this video. Thank you. Question/request - would you, could you, please do a video about how to find/make friends after/while going through the process of healing from abusive/toxic relationships and recognizing bad repetition compulsion? I have been doing a lot of intensive work for about the past 5 years on myself (emotional-psychological stuff including therapy, your videos, books, etc.). I have come to understand and accept that my father is pathologically narcissist and that mom's severe psychosis (schizofrenia), that began when I was about 11-12 was a side affect of father's narcissism/aggression/control. I come from a family of origin where there is a lot of codependency and enmeshment. I have done the work to set boundries and free myself. Some of the wounds still need tending to, so I am still in therapy. It seems to me that I do "Grey rock" alot in relationships(naturally) - it probably has a lot to do with adaptation to the severe dysfunction in my family of origin -- this Repetition compulsion has lead to the fact that many of my same-sex friends are controlling talkers - they dominate the conversation, so that after three hours almost nothing has been about me or many times even said by me; frequently they sway the situation so that my preferances are not taken into consideration. Over time I see that these conversation-controlling friends are not changing for the better. I need new friends to go along with my more mature self. How to find, make and keep new friends as an adult, who had a traumatic childhood and needs to maintain minimal contact with so many people? Many many "normal" people out there havent been through this tough stuff and dont understand; are silent, when I talk about me/my life. How to find, make and keep new friends as an adult, who had a traumatic childhood and needs to maintain minimal contact with so many people (yet I find so many things not important (because of all the really hard difficult problems I have been through and survived)…. How to find and keep new friends?

[@terri_cole]

Not everyone deserves to hear our most vulnerable stories and parts of ourselves. It takes time to build relationships but there are people out there that can build that with you. You might want to start with my videos about vulnerability and I do have a course about building friendships if you're interested- www.terricole.com/product/friendship-breathrough-or-break-up-guide/

[@thinkdifferent9746]

What to do when my mother in law and father in law use "shaming tactics" to make people agree with them, spend a lot of money on people to keep them loyal to them and then guilt them for everything they paid for, they constantly say Im not good enough for their son since Im not a doctor and they make up accusations about me that are not true and tell people about their judgements about their perception of me, and they try to tell me that my ideas about life aren't valid because they are different then theirs ---- how would you suggest I go about that (setting healthy boundaries in my relationship, what to say, what to think to let it go, etc.) I am always kind to them, even when they say something rude to me - I only recently started to set boundaries thanks to learning from you, when they publicly shamed me and critized the fact that I chose to not wash my hands (after going hiking in nature) at the restaurant we went to. His Mom said how "distugsting that was and how unsanitary and animals go to the bathroom etc." and she gave me this super dirty look - and I said, "I appreciate your perspective, and Im going to make a different choice." (She usually controls the show and if she suggests something usually everybody does it & after 2 years of being with my partner, I was so tired of doing everything she wanted even if it was something that I didnt personally want to do, just to keep her happy. When she asked everyone who wanted to wash their hands, every body got up, but I genuinely did not feel it necessary, so I stayed seated, which should not have been a big deal - then she proceeded to say all that and then her husband said "How can you ever be a chef in a restaurant if you don't wash your hands, I don't feel safe to eat in your home if you don't wash your hands, you should listen to me - I'm a doctor, and if you don't listen there must be something wrong with you that you can't think how someone might have a better perspective than you, and he went on and on - and his tone of voice was so cruel and attacking and I was crying at this point, just taking it all - my body was shaking, it felt terrifying and like I kept getting stabbed. I took a deep breath and said "I always wash my hands at home and always before cooking, and I need you to be okay if I make a different choice than you. I need you to respect me as my own person. I'm not your daughter. I can change my mind if someone knows something I don't, but for me being in nature is something I feel the need to wash my hands before I eat food with utensils. He continued to berate me and then I told him I didn't appreciate that as I sobbed and I told him Mom O didn't appreciate her saying that me not washing my hands was disgusting and she yelled so my fiance could hear, "she's lying! I never said that!" and I thought "wow, she's calling me a liar...how?" Befuddled I said, "Okay, I'm a liar? You said that me not washing my hands was disgusting" and I looked to her husband and he shook his head saying "No, my wife is a kind person, she would never say that, you're the most important person to our son, she would never say that about you" - I shook my head in disbelief; they were gaslighting me. and my fiance was not there when she said that to me, so I think she didn't want him to think poorly of her. I took a deep breath and said, "I know you guys are good people and I love you both, but I need to be treated with respect" and they both continued to speak poorly about me - and so, sobbing, I said "I don't want to have dinner with you guys anymore" and could barely breath as I got up, left, and was crying outside the restaurant. My fiance told his Dad to stop harassing me, but his Dad didn't listen. My fiance came out to comfort me and I remember saying to him, "Your parents are F*ing insane" and he said "yeah, I know they are, I'm so sorry" and he just held me as I tried to breath. It ended up with him yelling at them and asking them to leave our home because they couldn't treat me respectfully- and they were staying at our home for a week at this time. They were so upset and since that day haven't spoken to me and they still feel they were treated unfairly and that they are the elders they should be treated with respect and since they have spent so much money on us, they didn't deserve to be kicked out.) Before this incident, I did not share my ideas, because they usually get rejected by them. (I also am a Life Coach and a very intuitive person, yogi, study herbalism, more eastern/mindful spirituality, have studied spiritual psychology, healthy relationships, conscious parenting, am very positive person, and eat a vegan diet - and all of that seems to bother them, because they are very logical/not very emotional/atheist, they eat so much meat, and are more western medicine advocates, and I think they are also narcissists 'covert & overt') I think they don't like how I encourage their son to think freely for himself and not just do/agree with everything they say, and to find his own independence from them (because he used to call them everyday and tell them everything) and now he has more healthy space, and they dont like that. and I remind him that their shaming tactics are so unhealthy - and I think how happy their son is with me makes them feel not as needed in a way, because they usually were always the ones to take care of him. I love my partner very much - and outside of his parents, he and I have a beautiful, healthy, happy, passionate, conscious, enriching, beautiful, deep, kind, loving relationship♡ I'm wondering what you think I should do ♡

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for sharing your story here with us! You def sound like you're on the right track (meaning you understand yourself and the dynamic). Honestly, the parents sound toxic and narcissistic (especially the Mother) and I think the issue that needs to be worked out is between your partner and his parents. He needs to be between you and them. They are not your parents and in no way shape or form are you required to let them be abusive, intrusive or gaslight you. I am impressed with your ability to stand your ground when everyone else fell in line about the hand washing. Seriously dysfunctional. You can choose to limit your exposure to them and opt out of deep conversations of trying to make her or the father understand where you're coming from. When you must interact, hold your ground and always have access to a car to remove yourself from the scene if it comes to that. Your actions are the strongest boundaries you can draw when dealing with this type of dysfunction. Taking money from people like this is a trap and gives them leverage as we can see from them throwing it in your face. I would suggest that your partner gets into intensive therapy with a skilled clinician who understands family systems and this type of maternal narcissism because the healthier he is the easier it will be to make the right choices for his PRIMARY family...YOU! Sending you so much strength and protection xo

[@thinkdifferent9746]

@@terri_cole Thank you so much (-*-) I teared up reading this. Ahhh, it's so permission giving to just be seen, acknowledged, and heard by you. I'm grateful for your share/input/wisdom. Thank you ♡ Yeah, I definitely agree about his mother. He has a very co-dependent relationship with her and it's taken a lot of support from me to become independent of her emotions (he used to always feel responsible for her emotions & he said all his life she had never apologized for anything and he always was the one to step up and apologize even if he didn't think he did anything wrong. I shared with him how this is not his responsibility to carry her emotions and it will be so much healthier to find independence of her and he is beginning to see that, It's hard for him, even though he was very angry with both of them for how they treated me, but when he spends time with them & talks with them, he talks positively about them and starts to not be able to see their dysfunction.) So I do think therapy for him would be very helpful & I asked him to get therapy and he said he would be open to it, but is reluctant to share his whole story with a stranger. Do you know of anyone who you would recommend that would be good for that (dealing with narcissist mother/family dynamic)? Could I recommend you to him? He is a kind person and once he sees from another can perspective can actually let go of the unhealthy hold he had on his family (because they are very "tribe-like" as in "their tribe is better than everybody" that's another thing that concerns me sometimes. I also wonder how these unconscious patterns in him could show up when we have children - like I don't want him to ever shame/guilt our children or tell them their emotions are not okay, because sometimes he does that to me - and I remind him that's not okay and he usually can shift, but the pattern hasn't gone away.) Also, I personally don't feel safe about having our children around them without me being there and I also want to limit the time our children spend with them because of his parents unhealthy behaviors and I don't want my children to be manipulated by them - how would you suggest in the future I set healthy boundaries for that? Also, they plan to move out of their current state to follow us/their son to the state we live in now and that makes me super uncomfortable. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Thanks for all your advice - I really appreciate that and will be mindful to implement your suggests if/when we do interact. ♡ Grateful for you beautiful soul ♡ Thanks so much for being such a sacred & soulful guide. I'm learning a lot from your strength ♡ I think my fiance has grown so much and he really seeing the importance of standing up for me and he has been doing that and I'm really proud of him for his strength and courage ♡ Thanks for your loving guidance. I feel your love & support. I'm deeply grateful. I feel so not alone now ♡ Namaste & Blessings

[@cmr3194]

A A research what a narcissist is. I had the same mother in law. My ex husband never stood up for me. Years later, life makes sense now that I know what a narcissist is, the behavior, the devastating impact it has. I was surrounded by them. I am free but still on the journey of healing. Best wishes. Know thyself.

[@kaceyleighton2899]

I would love to share this to my mom.. But she's a stubborn woman 😒. I need to choose my battles here.🤔

[@kanzleidr.reuter9178]

Great Video.

[@verenawilliams]

Hey guys, where is the guided meditation?

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for pointing that out! I just added it to the video description: www.terricole.com/embracing-you-meditation/ ❤️

[@MsFranF]

I am sooo guilty!

[@patriciastewart2537]

Wow! You look stunning today! Hooray!

[@yourenough3]

If a person does this, does this mean they have a personality disorder? Just wondering.

[@terri_cole]

Hi there, and thank you for writing. Not necessarily. There would be a lot more involved if we were talking about a possible diagnosis.

[@uhpluplum]

please teach me how not to be jealous!!!!!!! :D

[@terri_cole]

Great question! Thank you, I will put it on the list for future videos.

[@oopsidazy143]

🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾

[@angelumali7563]

You're videos are very helpful. How to send you a message?

[@terri_cole]

Thank you. I answer questions right here!

[@andreaslarsson1966]

You need DBT

[@yourenough3]

Are you saying that if a person gets lost in the relationship , they need dbt?