Subtle Abandonment and Devaluation in Narcissistic Relationships

Being devalued and rejected in a narcissistic relationship might hurt but it’s generally easy to spot. There’s criticism, silent treatment, accusations, sometimes open hostility. But there are times when it isn't so open.
This video outlines some small subtle ways narcissistic people reject and devalue their partners that often get overlooked, and looks at some of the motivations behind the behaviour.
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[@linnnea8171]

My mother does this, she can be so cruel, too. My dad does not usually talk much, and rarely talks just for fun. We drove home from a doctors appointment, dad had gotten some good news and he was so happy and relieved that he uncharacteristically commented all kinds of things. It's so beautiful outside and such. Mom did not say one word to him during the whole drive. She was even not angry at him so not a "normal" silent treatment. It was heartbreaking, their marriage is so sad.

[@LuvableAF]

That’s sad.

[@ElGancha]

can someone use AI to complete this story?

[@stalkek]

@@ElGanchaThe story ends with a smug comment from some smartass about AI.

[@dianahogg6164]

Definitely the father the narc will wait years to get their revenge. Your first sentence said it all father pops up when he want to in his own time. His silent treatment is cruel. Think again. Mother is doing the best she can. Speak to her. Poor

[@linnnea8171]

​@@dianahogg6164That's exactly what mom has tried to sell everybody for decades but her adult children who have all been in therapy have understood that it's the other way around. Mom is completely delusional about it, too, or pretends to be. She just exclaimed to me "I have never said a bad word to your father" while constantly bashing him to other people behind his back about his total incompetence in everything and in front of him and other people shaming him all the time about his incontinence with tiny covert insults. I don't know what happens behind the closed doors, but once after a hospital visit I overheard her say to dad what did the nurses say when a big boy wets his pants - dad is over eighty. Oh yeah, and a few weeks ago when I stayed there overnight dad came in the morning from his bedroom and told mom apologetically and upset, that there is a terrible mess in the bedroom. But that he had been cold at night and taken the bedspread. And then what happend, I asked, did the potty fall of the table or something? As he looked confused, I went to see with my own eyes, and the mess was really just that he had moved the decorative bedspread from the other side of the bed to his side and made a "mess". This is the level of control my father lives in. He does not talk much, because her response is always, always something negative in one way or another. I have stopped talking too, unless I have to.

[@anothercat9600]

Without them devaluing us, we would't become addicted to the idealization phase.

[@Butterfly-if1qs]

Well said. Thanks

[@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753]

Since narcs only give bread crumbs, their perfect partner would probably be a bird! Poor bird...

[@Butterfly-if1qs]

Really......Poooor Bird😢

[@mpeniak]

RIP poor bird

[@deanadutcher5877]

It’s like living in the backpack of a person visiting a buffet. They are full, so they turn to the next gastrointestinal indulgence only to leave you starving. They turn around for the next morsel, not caring that you didn’t get a single bite of nourishment. They aren’t hungry, so it’s your own fault if you are starving. 😢.

[@kjell-olavmossestad5401]

This is the most spot on video ever created. I have always thought that videos about covert narcissists are too blantant.. My experience with them are much more like this.. very vague devaluation. Spot on. Best video out there, ever.

[@nayaleezy]

It's so obvious, they are pathetic. May you all be whole & balanced on the inside ❤

[@W-superS]

❤

[@carlafunk7729]

Well said, Well said.

[@-Gramps]

Thank you, Dr Magee, for your entire body of work & research! You present this information in such a professional, non-judgmental manner. Your objectivity is appreciated!

[@caror4162]

Thank you so much for this video. The SUBTLE devaluation is devastating and yet to hard to prove. It's almost imposible to explain to another person, and most of the times when you try to do so you end up feeling like you are the problematic one. Even worse when you try to talk about it in therapy and your own therapist might be missing the sadistic twist this apparently meaningless actions have

[@prant8998]

So true. It’s not only the devaluation, it the sadistic part of it, where they want to hurt you. When that happens, you have to use that information, mark it down, remember it, and get out. If someone loves you for real, they don’t get off on hurting you. My parents didn't raise me to be tied to the whipping post for anyone's pleasure. Now, anyone can, by mistake, say a hurtful remark. But, you apologize, and move on. There has to be a boundary, and some verbal clarification, a mea culpa. What’s the point of being in relationship if your partner doesn’t have your back?

[@BrianMurfitt]

Vulnerable narcissts, swing from one extreme to another one moment giving you the silent treatment and devaluing you, but once they want something outvof you the extreme love bombing sets in. You can never win!😮

[@LolaClo]

That is so true!!!! When they need you, you are the most important person in the world. But when you don’t provide supply, they devalue to anyone and everyone that will hear them

[@BrianMurfitt]

@@LolaClo Too true! 🥺😬

[@stavokg]

This is spot on. Thank you; explains so much.

[@Caligirl.8630]

Thank you. You've just explained what's been going on in marriage for the past 5 years.

[@sandie683]

I have never known illnesses like this until I met my Ex. 4 yrs and he's a musician. Childhood abandonement so cruel and he has BDP + covert narcissism. His mood swings are frightening. High in ADHD. 💔

[@aq5121]

God. The devaluing is SO SO UGLY… esp if you have no Non-devaluing family..

[@katiedid8192]

Thank you for this podcast. Love to listen to you as you have a way of helping your audience understand the dynamics in ways we can understand and implement. I was just discarded by a “close” friend who I met through my Church group. She is very cleaver as I was not her first but did not realize she had used me as her source when discarding our other friend. The three of us were close for a long time then the other gal used her family obligations to her grandchildren as excuses for not doing things with us. She did not confide in me what was happening, did say that the narc seemed upset with her but said she told her she had done nothing to upset her. Evidently several episodes. I did not pick up on the fact that the narco was devaluing and discarding her- reason probably because this gal is more outspoken and constructively critized her in public. . Now, the “narco friend” has found a new source, and has used all the tactics you mentioned. I refuse to play her game. I will be hospitable and gracious in our active group but will not engage in private- will yellow rock her. I was married for a long time to a covert narcissist ( ‘60-90) when they had no name for it. Divorced 26 yrs ago. Back then no counseling so I read John Bradshaw’s The Family and The Inner Child during my married years. Sought counseling after my divorce; the therapist was quite amazed that I had maintained my sense of self and had gone forward with my life. I detached while still married, worked on advancing my career by accepting positions that challenged me (RN became a clinical educator, then pharmaceutical sales, clinical educator for a medical manufacturer- all of which challenged my sense of abilities. I spent many hours talking things over before Jesus in the blessed Sacrament . Jesus became my best friend during the isolation days and remains today. You would have thought I would have picked up on this before. Must say she was very very clever. I have learned a lot from the information on your podcast. Thank you!!!!

[@KY-jb4vd]

This is a regular occurrence in my marriage I would say. The looking at a screen while I am talking, or if I start talking when we are standing face to face, then he will walk away and start doing something else mid sentence. Sometimes he says that the subject matter I am speaking about is boring or not of his interest and says things like 'how can you watch/read that kind of stuff'?? and then go back to his screen to signal conversation is over. In company often talks on top of me when I am halfway through a sentence. It's exhausting. I'm starting to see it for what it is.

[@zenzmaj]

I love this and panicked, too. This is what happened between me and my ex when I was in the worst circumstances in my life. When I realized I was being narcassitic because I was in super people pleaser mode and struggling to keep my life afloat. I dumped him. Not because I didn't love him. I was no longer emotionally available, and he was not in a partition to support me, so I had to go it alone. I lost my memory due to stress and was sadly too much.

[@melodysanquist4834]

They start using the phrase, “You don’t know what you’re talking about”, even if you have evidence and facts.

[@Michelle-hf5jk]

omg thank you!! This makes complete sense. YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HOW U HELPED ME 💜

[@kimduiveman4148]

the moment I started to give short answers , also replied after days ( the way i have been treated for years) and the patterns suddenly became crystal clear for me, blaming me; I do not understand it , that that person was going through a bad situation, that I was selfish etc , even almost be able to predict the next step. I already had said I only wanted to communicate by text so my words or theirs could"nt be that wrongly misinterpreted, I cut of all contact with my family, 2 months ago now , and slowly i feel a bit more a live

[@leannemione340]

I just gave 2 narcissists in my life 3 months of putting our relationship on pause while I re-evaluate whether I want them in my life. It's going to be difficult but it's exactly what I need to do.

[@kimduiveman4148]

@@leannemione340 big hug

[@leannemione340]

@@kimduiveman4148 thanks. Feeling used and stupid but I'm back in control.

[@carlafunk7729]

@leannemione340 More power to you 💪 ❤️ Manipulative types of people never realize that I can take back my own power & authority in relation to them. The very same power & control they're trying to exert over me. I can & will phase them out of my life if necessary rather than allow ANYBODY, blood related or not, to dictate my feelings, behaviors, twist my words, break my spirit, try to dictate my moods, try to question my decision making abilities, etc, etc. into infinity... I may really love a person or relative, but in the end, we all sometimes must make some really painful, hard choices for our own sanity & good health. Loving ourselves 1st & foremost, living life on our terms w/caring, real, nontoxic people of our own choosing. Peace. ❤️

[@kristinmeyer489]

You mean like when a flying monkey tells you they're concerned and want to hear you, letting you know they know things you didn't tell them, and they gaslight you about that, insist on the talk, which disrupts what you came to see them about, and then they refuse to hear you, imply you're off (despite years otherwise) and refuse to consider what they, themselves wanted you to talk about? This iust happened with a body restructurist, who lied to me about her being co-opted. I'm sure the purpose of this was to trash my reputation thru the same evil grapevine that took my life.

[@Lyrielonwind]

I understand it feels so isolating but being in a very narcissistic environment is making me avoidant...I don't know if that's good news but I am so sick of narcissistic people... they are everywhere. I wouldn't talk to them if you have the smallest doubt. Listen to them, smile to them and leave... that's what I'm going to do and what I'm doing. This people will look offended and it's ok. I'm sorry we are becoming so robotic and there's no room for collectivity. Our systems want us like herd or isolated...I choose hermit mode. I don't have fun with people anymore and I don't want to give them a chance to hurt me if is in my power and my power is ignoring them.

[@dianahogg6164]

Thankyou Darren great video.

[@ginkgo2021]

A strange behavior that started in the last year of our relationship. If we were driving somewhere and I was going to be the driver, he’d put on a black hooded sweatshirt, sunglasses and then would put the hood over his head and slump in the passenger seat. Refusing to engage in any conversation. He acted like Elliot Alderson from the Mr. Robot tv series. Except my Elliot was 63 years old. Bizarre.

[@matikramer9648]

Thank you very much

[@dianahogg6164]

Will i ever be free from my abuser Darren. Nearly 4 years now nearly completed our financial we have agreed to everything so far near the end now he has put a cruel curve ball questioning my integrity with our accounts.. I know its childish of him but it has hit a nerve with me . Hurtful he has put a question mark over my integrity. Im trying to deal with the hurt i think it says more about him than me. I just want to get on with my life. I think he couldn't resist getting the knife in as his final big flourish. Soo sad.

[@leannemione340]

Awesome information, thank you.

[@LuvableAF]

It stopped being “subtle” the last birthday he ruined for me .

[@susanparker9877]

Thank you for the great video.

[@deanadutcher5877]

A “friend “ of mine is doing this very thing.

[@dclarke1896]

Excellent video! Very informative!

[@duffgordon9005]

THey will not accept gifts/ you can't have 'anything' on them- So you have no one to give to- Objects/touch be careful if her parents are near death and they have a decent estate. No matter how much you spent on family. All good news gets a sigh.

[@cnhsugarr]

This is a daily occurrence

[@frugalissima2930]

They're probably texting their new supply.

[@therealspixycat]

Is suttle boundary crossing also a narcissistic trick?

[@timmywitty1432]

Yes.

[@Lyrielonwind]

I wish you can make time to talk about induced conversation. I go to a store where all workers are women from Netherlands. I have been cutting my purchase and now I just want to buy their bread. Pretty soon I won't buy anything at all in there. The reason is that they induced me in a conversation to have another co-worker to call them, kind of "saved by the bell" but they do it in an insidious way because I don't go there to have a "chat". I know I don't have a social tissue and I appreciate people who talk to me but they induce me to a conversation when there's no one around in dull hours but I find them so b¡thy... it's a pattern. One always tell me about her having a great house, husband and kids...I just couldn't care less and never asked them but I just listen to them because I have been so indoctrinated to not being rude... I'm just won't talk to them, no matter if they want to talk to me because I know what's coming next and I think is xenophobia. People from the Netherlands who came to live to Spain because they "couldn't stand foreigners" in their country... but they treat Spanish people as if we were the bubonic plague. They just want their business for their own people and I guess I will cut any interaction with any foreigner... they bring their guettos within. I speak English but I don't want to speak it anymore. Doesn't it sounds like a sad, fake joke? Leaving your country because there are too many inmigrants and they migrate to a sunny country...why don't they say their weather sucks? 😂 Btw, they call themselves "expat" not inmigrants.😂 I can't stand people who makes everything a competition when you just want to buy bread...so long... Netherlanders.

[@W-superS]

I think that sums it all …😂 maybe the best way is to leave them.. waiting for a response…😁

[@garethbowyer1463]

How would this appy to EUPD/BPD, i had a relationships and child with the above mention personality disorder and she cam across extremely narcissistic at times, the hole relationship loved then hated, manipulative and extreamly controlling, more on EUPD/BPD and npd and ending up with cptsd, how it can lead becoming disregulated and as it felt being push to the limits to reacting then being blamed for reacting,

[@kikit0732]

Is this abuse in a marriage?

[@annakrajan]

Well....I want to know it, too. My husband acts like this. And I'm wondering if it is a kind of abuse or not.....

[@mimi42428]

It is absolutely abuse. And it only gets worse

[@ruthhay608]

I had decades of this kind of treatment before I discovered I was married to a narcissist. I was saved by concentrating on my career then educating myself about narcissism through people like you. Thank you.

[@kikit0732]

My family has always been emotionally cold, mean, with bad tempers. And I was raised to understand that I could have control over others by doing good things. So I don’t understand what is abuse. I thought he was being distant and agitated because of something I did that hurt his feelings. And when I asked him what it was, he would say “You should know, if you love me then you would know”

[@leannemione340]

@@kikit0732 Narcissists are abusive and they can stop a people pleaser a mile away.

[@caroleminke6116]

Narcs don’t connect but just control ❤️‍🩹 the entire time that you thought there was a relationship, it was simply a manipulation

[@spenciegirl9630]

My husband is calling his old girlfriend…. And a woman …. regularly…. across the country….