What A Narcissist Dislikes Most About You

As narcissists get to know others, they are measuring them, wondering if they will give them the deference they require. And when you don't go along with their requirements, it becomes ugly. Dr. Les Carter highlights the single ingredient that prompts a narcissist to turn on you.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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[@Hydrocarbonateable]

The weirdest thing to me is when you try to be the adult and be nice to them, patient and understanding and even kind and helpful, and they can't accept that EITHER, and throw it back in your face as some sort of 'patronizing.' You can't win with these folks, they're so damaged it's wild, but also really sad, they can't accept or respect the place any honest emotion comes from.

[@usedscar]

So true.

[@prashantiyoga3554]

Spot on 🥴

[@PATH918]

EXACTLY TRUE,NORMAL PEOPLE WILL BE VERY HAPPY TO BE TREATED NICE AND NOT NARCISSIST,HE EVEN ASKED ME WHY YOU TREAT ME NICE?YOU THINK I HAVE NO WHERE TO GO?OR SAID YOU WORRY MY LEAVING? OR SAID MY NICE WAS FAKING……No matter what you do which is" wrong is wrong and right also wrong "😢

[@MsRexsmurphy]

I agree! 👏

[@lilysleisure1918]

Nothing works here

[@deborahrichardson3731]

They dislike anything that someone else appreciates or expresses admiration for about you.

[@secondhorizon]

immensely 😎

[@c.marmion8430]

And they will do their utmost to try and counter anything positive about you with negative 'stories' or comments.

[@PATH918]

ABSOLUTELY CORRECT👍🌹

[@joannadavignon1608]

…and tell you that, “you can’t take it with you when you go…”

[@Missybella92227]

YES!! My ex would even compete with me and make a sarcastic comment about what people compliment me of.

[@diananoonen2262]

The unholy ungodliness. This is a dark personality that lives in sheeps clothing.

[@susannakotoff7095]

the religious narc is the worst....strongly deluded and never accountable for their words and actions. Wolves in sheeps clothing for sure.

[@jeankipper6954]

Mother. Dad. Husband. Miserable people all.

[@nicholecornes1915]

Oh yes

[@nicholecornes1915]

Omg I know

[@PussnBoot2516]

I reckon they are jealous, that must be why they're always telling us how jealous we are of them. Narcissists live to project their faults onto other people.

[@caroleminke6116]

Fear Rage Envy Revenge then Denial ❤️‍🩹 rinse & repeat forever

[@123raven4]

That's probably why I always feel so bad around them! I can feel their projection contempt, their feelings of authority over me! I give them silence and that causes them to gossip and play victim and guess who the bad guy is for setting that boundary?!

[@dwilliams5700]

Everything you say to them they always take it the wrong way.

[@elgallosabio4364]

My mother even attacked my son and his wife because they invited her to their home for dinner and some family time, but they spent too much time focusing on their 2-year-old daughter. Unless you are kissing her feet, she thinks you are attacking her.

[@jgarcia2305]

I remember one evening the kids and I were making our way home from visiting my parents. I text the narc in my life at the time “would you like me to pick up anything at the store on my way home?” She replied “you’re barely on your way home?” It got so bad that I could feel her toxic, negative energy through texts. Crazy.

[@cynthiariordan1046]

They really hate you if they know you're onto them.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

That would be a first, that my narc dad admits I know his crap!

[@LWi-yz4oz]

And will do everything to make your life miserable evwn if you just simply try to walk away from them

[@elgallosabio4364]

Very true.

[@elizedenaemissd9498]

They hate a genuine person.

[@elgallosabio4364]

That is my mother. She hates honesty and genuineness.

[@michellehill718]

The narcissists to Team Healthy: I don't like you! Team Healthy to the narcissists: I know that, absolutely do understand, and am still okay. 😊

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Well stated! #TeamHealthy

[@suejohnson3972]

Exactly Michellehill! And I simply don't care!!

[@Lailat854]

😂 true

[@michellehill718]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you very much Dr. C and Team Healthy! 🙏🌍🙏

[@Armygirl4Christ]

💯 Michelle 👏

[@tbunnyshy1]

We like and care about people. We are not entitled, controlling, manipulating or exploiting anyone. We want things right, call them out and that is all a major offense to narcissists.

[@Charmainecharmainecharmaine]

🎯

[@nancytwigg4631]

So true!

[@t_nels]

🎯

[@willisknapick4405]

You got it. Sounds like my alleged parents. Neither one had an idea of what it meant to be a grown-up.

[@Chelsea-552]

That is correct

[@dixiegardner6207]

Dear Doc, you probably have no idea what a huge impact you are making for some of us. I just want to take this opportunity to say "Thank you from the bottom of my grateful heart for showing me the way out of the shit storm of life". May God bless your efforts and increase you exponentially.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Such kind thoughts.. Thank you and I'm glad to be on the path with you!

[@maryshanley329]

Yes, sincere thanks.

[@maryellengonthier5274]

I agree 100%. I am in the middle of divorcing my narcissist husband of 20 years and your videos have helped me more than anything else - and I have tried a lot! I feel safe and completely understood when I listen to each of your videos. Thank you so much 🙏

[@richdibenedetto8041]

Doc, thank God for you. They have shed so much light on what I go through and help me understand. I have been in therapy and realize how screwed up I am. Thank you once again

[@meredith2803]

Yeah Dr C is one of the best on here, he’s helped so many of us. Super grateful for his work.

[@gazoo7411]

If they can't control you , they don't like you and they then try to destroy you. I know these people quite well.........They are pathetic little children.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

My narc dad can barely be bothered with me, I can feel the contempt/his resentment. His loss, my gain. I am no-contact with him/his flying monkey/enabling(she excuses his behavior) girlfriend. I like her fine. Not him! He is caustic to me; I deserve better than him as a fake father!

[@duromusabc]

Your freedom , inherent worth , assertiveness , authenticity , your nuanced vulnerabilities , and inner strength and your boundaries

[@nancytwigg4631]

Love it!

[@hasansarhan9296]

Perfect 👍

[@fred.k9875]

Our self security versus their insecurity. Of course narcissist wants to change that dynamic.

[@ionlycompetewiththewomaniw5429]

💯💯💯💯 THAT is a small glimps into their insanity. How can someone who moves through life feeling so low about themselves make someone who is strong minded and strong-willed feel low about themselves. Talk about an ant trying to destroy a giant....SOOOOOO glad I got off that ride...😓

[@user-kcrpine]

Giant? We’re all human and all flawed. Perhaps not to the depth of those suffering from narcissism but the idea constantly expressed in the comments of these videos that non-narcs are somehow magical is downright delusional. In many cases it’s objectively narcissistic and is only helping lead to the mass over application of the label to anyone not catering to the whim of supposed non-narcissistic individuals.

[@suzanne4396]

@fred.k9875 It has taken me 9 years to value myself. And now when he texts es a cruel, disparaging remark, I reply " Your opinion no longer matters to Me; I know who I am. I know my worth." And he goes silent. NOTHING he says can get under my skin, any longer.

[@fred.k9875]

@@suzanne4396 free at last!

[@LukiGames0]

They hate everything about us that is not about them.

[@GrantOakes]

I would also add that they dislike you because of your INTEGRITY! Instead of recognizing your ability to think independently they view your strength of character as a threat to their mentality.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Their attitude, their problem!

[@2thedivine944]

Don’t you dare smile or have a passion about simply loving life! 🎉

[@steadypace1262]

Narcissist's are jealous of your empathy because you have something they don't have, they always want what they don't or can't have. They don't like you because you are a better person than they can ever be, it's the nature of the Beast.

[@secondhorizon]

That your existence distracts from their essential self-importance.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Alleged "self-importance"!

[@heyfunny3036]

I was in my late 40s when, during a rare in-person conversation with my malignant mother, I had had a shocking moment of clarity, she was powerfully jealous of me. It stunned me, I had no idea that was the root of her treatment of me. That was the most clear and profound step in my journey forward.

[@athena1047]

I hear ya. Seems so silly, yes. Why? because we are our own person, and they apparently don't appreciate that. We don't lie to anyone, about anything. They in turn tell so many lies they can't keep up. What a sticky web we weave. Is that the saying? lol

[@visaormastercard]

I told my narc mom straight out she was. She kept scoffing, saying ha, huh. Of you? Yeah right. You're crazy. Jealous of what? & They are.😅

[@mday3821]

I told my narcissistic mother, "You are so jealous of me you could spit nails." She gave me the silent treatment. The bad part is that my NM really had so talents of her own, but couldn't recognize them. How sad!

[@cassiebennet4262]

It wasn't until my early 40's that I understood that my father hated me because I was quiet and introverted like him. He was jealous of me because I didn't acquiesce to societal standards of extroversion. He equates extroversion with having value and worth while being an extreme hermit most of his life. The irony is astonishing.

[@DesertlizzyThe]

Yah😊 s_it happens. I find this happens to me sometimes.

[@grantaugustyniak6667]

They despise independent thinking from others. That’s because the one thing they have no control over

[@hellzgurl]

Yes ! I'm always breaking the narcissist law with that one.

[@ktbiwk]

That you stand up for yourself and tell the truth ❤

[@SCH292]

1. When you CALL THEM OUT ON THEIR BS over time. 2. When you catch them in the act. 3. When you KNOW they are talking or lying out of their asses. 4. When you CALL THEM OUT OF THEIR BS RIGHT ON THE SPOT.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I accept no excuses or lies.

[@davidhayes7596]

I just had one of these controlling personalities to tell me that I was getting out of my lane because I was discovering the solution to the problem. These people try to make us feel like we're in special education.

[@godthesonhasilluminatedme]

😂😂😂

[@singerbxy3203]

100% been through this. Even slowly speaking toward me.

[@alastairwest5200]

The Narcissist dislikes Gus because he is happy and well-adjusted; the Narcissist simply cannot accept a happy Gus...

[@billyboyd3493]

Hahahah Gus may be a narcissist as he thinks that sofa belongs to him and is entitled to it.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Or Dr. C! Or those who don't put up with the narcissist's nonsense!

[@southerncatlady]

I never could understand why one of my ex's favorite things to say to me (besides the horrible, undeserved name calling and character assassination) was, "You're just defiant." I see now! I was never supposed to defend myself, even when he was falsely accusing me of terrible things. I was supposed to just admit to things I NEVER DID, and let him punish me as he saw fit. They really ARE threatened by independent people. They're afraid of us. And they become completely unraveled when we refuse to give them control.

[@rebeccamay6420]

Good choice of words: they feel threatened by independent people who stand up for themselves, and they completely unravel when they realize they've lost their grip of control over you. That says it all right there--what I've experienced a few times in recent months.

[@southerncatlady]

@@rebeccamay6420 yes, ma'am! Exactly! We are not humans to them. We are objects... Toys to serve their purpose. And if we operate outside their predestined purpose, we are faulty and useless. And naturally, that's our fault. If we operate outside their version of the norm, we MUST be to blame. They are horrible creatures of unspeakable abilities to ridicule, discredit and demean us. It's ALL over a battle for control. And it's because they can't control themselves and their lives!

[@angelablaney4575]

And when they've done all that and you call them out and decide to leave due to nonsense word salad, the come up with 'couples talk their problems thru'! If only they were capable to do just that!🙏♥️

[@manapeace]

When love is conditional and transactional it makes perfect sense that non-compliance warrants their hatred.

[@fokker34]

Omg this!!!!

[@R.E.STARS24]

For me, the thing he hated most was being asked questions. Boy would he lose his temper quick. I could never do anything right. He never wanted to get to know me ever, but i put all my time and effort into him. I wasted 4 years, thinking there was hope for change but he NEVER did! What a waste of time.

[@blgallas]

I used to care about their opinion of me. I am done looking for their approval. I was healed by God of their abusive words and opinions of me. I saw through their lies about me to me. I used to reject myself because they rejected me. No more. God gives me strength to stay out of the self rejection. I’m so thankful and grateful.

[@istateyourname4710]

Many things come to mind🤔, I believe they dislike that we have authentic interactions/relationships w/ people. A rather foreign concept for them to attempt to master.

[@Pollycat15]

Absolutely! And witnessing genuine and deeply empathic connections between other people tips them over the edge!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

🎯💕

[@douaa1934]

Anything they lack, and everything good about you

[@Shigami-lb6oc]

Facts

[@mickehog76]

They don't like you because you have boundaries. And you know the truth about the narcissist.

[@ek9348]

My sis and brother are up against me because i know the truth about our family dynamic. Even though i Dont say a word about it. If one of them ‘cant win against me’ they drag the other one in the drama. Few years ago enough was enough; im done with them. My Mother soon will die; than all contact Will be cut off by me. Ill miss my mum but only than im finally Free completly of those emotional damaged people. What a relieve it will be. I need to protect myself.

[@mickehog76]

@@ek9348 So sorry about your mother. It's nothing wrong to think about yourself. Take care and good luck with everything.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

My narc dad ignores my boundaries as if he is entitled. He isn't. I have gone no-contact with him since Easter of this year, what a relief for me!

[@bitsybugaloo]

I was going to say your Independence! They don’t like when you don’t praise them when they throw manipulative gifts at you and you don’t respond to it or praise them. Blind leading the blind.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You get the gold star!

[@bitsybugaloo]

@@SurvivingNarcissism I have learned so much from you Dr C! Thank you! Love your insights.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

My dad is too busy going to church and visiting his girlfriend's sister. I have no issue with church, but do about the girlfriend's family. He can't be bothered with me, nothing new there. I feel like crying. I deserve better!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Fourth of July for me since Easter of this year. Anytime I think of contacting my narc dad, I remember how bad he treats me, I am not a supply for him anymore. His loss!

[@nancytwigg4631]

Dr. Carter always provides golden nuggets to aide in our healing. They want you to "Dance My Dance" "Lay your true self down in service to the narcissist's neurosis." Thanks for the gold, Doc. Embrace the strength of your beautiful independence!!!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Nancy!

[@michellehill718]

Ditto! ❤️😊🙏👋

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Absolutely ❣️

[@siriastridkristensen4272]

It seems like me just being, sets a narcissist of. I don't think they like anything about me.

[@jane2390]

I told him once that he's upset that I dare breathe air...

[@ClickTrain]

When the narcissist sees our independence as rejection of them, is this because we do not share their delusions? We aren't 'living in the same world', in a way? That their delusions are threatened when others don't have those delusions?

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yes, you are so spot on with your thoughts.

[@ClickTrain]

Thank you, Dr. C! 😊 @@SurvivingNarcissism

[@warriormom5843]

Petulant children-“WAAAAAA, I DON’T LIKE YOU!!” Ugh, deplorable. Thanks Dr. C and Gus! 🐶💙

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Petulant indeed!

[@Hatbox948]

The only thing I was ever complimented on was cleaning and cooking. That tells you all you need to know.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

❤️

[@annjohnson8437]

Thanks for this video. I needed the reminder that it is okay to be my own person even though my narcissistic husband tries to prevent it at every turn.

[@caroleminke6116]

Plz go gray rock & learn not to react to him at all

[@carolnahigian9518]

you have not LIVED ; until you got chewed out for Shoes 1inch away from where they want it!!

[@Greenwings701]

Having your own thoughts and feelings again? Wait! You're supposed to mirror THEIR thoughts and feelings! Let them win! Tell them they are so smart (cuz there can only be one smart person)! Don't tell them about your accomplishments because it will throw a wrench in the works, especially if it's doing something in an area that's important to them and their identify. They likely already they think they excel in just because they like it.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Dad, instead. He told me(I shouldn't have called him yesterday)that is going to church for Easter, and then spending time with his girllfriend and her sister. I don't matter to him. I am ready to cry.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

😪

[@grantlamarche]

Our ability to discern fact from fiction

[@michellehill718]

Absolutely! Seems to dumbfound and discombobulate them! Lol 🙃

[@t_nels]

🎯

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Yeah, B.S.!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

They definitely dislike if we're not easily irritated by people. Everything seems to get under their skin!!!

[@mariaawake4502]

Yes, any little mishap will lead to a major emotional meltdown in the narcissist. However the narcissist will try to make others around him react, so they will look foolish. So glad I have this knowledge now.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@mariaawake4502 me too!

[@c.marmion8430]

@@mariaawake4502 Knowledge is power!

[@roxymovie3938]

This is a real crazy one for the Sociopath repeatetly told me in a very aggressive tone of voice, "You always get so easily irritated by people!!!" So now I understand that this is in fact what he liked the most because then he could get best supply out of me. And in fact it was he himself who would irritate me the most because he was acting so weird, often like a robot and not like a human being. There was always something missing: natural humanity. And yes, everything seems to get under their skin. I think this is because they do not listen to the words you are saying but just to the emotions which makes them hypervigilant. So thank you, Amanda, for having mentioned this sentence🙏😊🤗💗

[@waywardstitch8604]

Oh yes, all my life my narc mom HATES that I don't get angry at the same people she's angry at. She hates everybody, finding flaws and criticizing constantly. I'm the exact opposite, non-judgmental and accepting of most people. But mom becomes furious with me and takes me to task when I dare to smile and wave at a neighbor.

[@sabrinapetersen5358]

A narcissist is never happy with you or himself or anyone else They can pretend to be around someone who doesn't really know them! No contact is the better answer to these Unscrupulous people!

[@aaronkwolfe]

I had freedom.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Ding ding ding

[@aaronkwolfe]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Well, I have much more now.

[@Teacher369]

👊 Aaron 🥳 🎂 🎉

[@t_nels]

🎉🎉

[@mariaawake4502]

That I am not notoriously miserable like he is? Crocodile tears for the narcissist😥

[@Gneiss365]

They're threatened by your independence, so they criticize relentlessly to get you to conform to what they want, and to constantly seek their approval (or at least placate them enough so they won't have a rage fit). Taking away your independence is part of breaking you down through coercive control. Regaining your independence after escaping is one of the first signs of healing.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Well stated.

[@eight-ball3625]

They project onto you traits, actions that are t even yours. I’m so done with them!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

My narc dad does this, and blames me for having the traits. I am nothing like him; happily!

[@sandrab2589]

In my family, I have watched 3 blatant narcissists get Alzheimer's in their later years and then die of complications. Other family members died of the usual causes...heart attacks, strokes, accidents, diabetes...but the narcissists, with their inflated sense of self had the degenerative disease of the mind. I am curoius if there are any studies of this, even if anecdotal.

[@cabot100]

Medical Science does not yet fully understand what causes Alzheimer's disease in most people. The causes probably include a combination of age-related changes in the brain, along with genetic, environmental, and lifestyle factors. The importance of any one of these factors in increasing or decreasing the risk of Alzheimer's disease may differ from person to person. Alzheimer's disease is a progressive brain disease. It is characterized by changes in the brain-including amyloid plaques and neurofibrillary, or tau, tangles-that result in loss of neurons and their connections. These and other changes affect a person’s ability to remember and think and, eventually, to live independently. Older age does not cause Alzheimer’s, but it is the most important known risk factor for the disease. The number of people with Alzheimer’s disease doubles about every 5 years beyond age 65. About one-third of all people age 85 and older may have Alzheimer's disease. Scientists are learning how age-related changes in the brain may harm neurons and affect other types of brain cells to contribute to Alzheimer’s damage. These age-related changes include atrophy (shrinking) of certain parts of the brain, inflammation, vascular damage, production of unstable molecules called free radicals, and breakdown of energy production within cells. However, age is only one risk factor for Alzheimer’s disease. Many people live into their 90s and beyond without ever developing dementia. Many people worry about developing Alzheimer’s disease, especially if a family member has had it. Having a family history of the disease does not mean for sure that you’ll have it, too. But it may mean you are more likely to develop it. People’s genes, which are inherited from their biological parents, can affect how likely they are to develop Alzheimer’s disease. Genetic risk factors are changes or differences in genes that can influence the chance of getting a disease. These risk factors are the reason some diseases run in families.

[@hymnodyhands]

I wonder if the set of notable lacks in how the narcissist thinks is actually an early warning that their brains are already not connecting well ... the ego tries to fill the gaps ... the deep childhood brain tries to fill the gap ... but the adult brain simply never develops right ... maybe it starts earlier than we think...

[@Lamenade]

They are offended at your existence.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Their proplem attitude, not your responsibility!

[@trinap.8904]

This is mindblowing. I always wondered why these fools hated me for no reason. It's because of my independence!! Thank you!

[@Person3855]

They think you are an extension of them rather than a separate individual. The crazy thing is he would say “you only do things I do” and get annoyed, but when I did my own things he never cared or acknowledged them. He would either ignore me or make fun of me.

[@sparkle6258]

Your integrity.

[@biondna7984]

I've just started working with a counselor, who's the first of many counselors, to suggest that the beginning of my decades-long use of antidepressants started with my first husband's growing narcissistic behavior. We were married 24 years; the divorce was 17+ years ago. The counselor and I agree that, given my growing understanding of how the depression started, and how much better my life is now, I should be able to start cutting the dosage down, and finally to stop using it. I'm excited.

[@brendamoore1190]

You go, girl! Stick with it!

[@biondna7984]

Thank you!@@brendamoore1190

[@paulettelamontagne6992]

jeez

[@rebeccamay6420]

I do hope it goes well for you! 🤗 Some bodies don't tolerate it well when reducing meds. This is where I was recently -- daylight saving extended the daylight hours, so seasonal depression should be less severe and my doctor said I could try reducing my dosage. Within three days, my mental state deteriorated to the point that I had to excuse myself from work and call my doctor while driving home. 😭 She wasn't going to let me suffer through the severe withdrawals that could last for up to two weeks. I'm back on the effective dosage and mostly functional 96% of the time. It may take until I effectively break the primary sources of narcissistic mental abuse before I get to try reducing my dosage again. I'm OK with that.

[@robbiewooden5067]

Had to get Therapy.

[@dianapalmer4185]

I think they are so jealous & insecure!!

[@GiantSlayer-rr1vu]

I have never been so humiliated demoralized degraded devalued by a covert religious narcissist. It is one thing to experience this displeasure from a nonreligious person, it is another level of tomfoolery. They dislike the fact that you are talented, educated, and skillful and they will say every negative name that is not in the book at you. They are jealous insecure, and low-esteem, and some have childhood trauma built into this grenade that goes off every month.

[@c.h.5389]

I've endured that, as well, so your comment really resonated with me. The evil parading in plain sight, and hiding behind the mask of a "religious person" is just another layer of their deceptive nature.

[@susannakotoff7095]

or its also genetic personality from the father to my sil personality. Projecting, blameshifting, highly competitive, everything has to be her way and a con artist

[@c.marmion8430]

As a Christian myself I have encountered many narcissists in several churches. In fact I have left churches because of it ☹️. My theory on this is that Christians churches and groups tend to be welcoming of all types of people into their midst, which if course they should be. Plus they try and do what the Bible says and not be judgemental of others ('Judge not, so that you will not be judged' Matthew Chapter 7). Therefore narcissists get away with their behaviour unchallenged, and consequently they thrive in Christian circles. Additionally, they have their 'flying monkeys' in the church congregations/groups who inadvertently encourage them to continue with their narcissistic behaviour. It is very difficult to challenge them, because within Christian circles it is frowned upon to call these people out, even when done in a controlled and respectful way, as I have found out to my cost in the past, that is because you (ie, the one on the receiving end of the narcissistic abuse) are the one that the 'flying monkeys' point the finger at for being a "trouble maker" if you do so. These days I'll just put up with it for as long as I possibly can, and say nothing. Then just move on to the next church when it starts to really affect me badly, ie in a psychologically damaging way. In other words I don't just take off at the first sign of narcissistic abuse towards me, I will put up with it for several months until I can no longer allow it to be done to me, and then I just stop going there. And then come all the pleas to come back, and the "you were such a valuable member of the church", etc, etc. Not that I ever do go back, as it would just be the same after a while, just like any other abusive relationship if you choose to go back. Dr C. if you are reading this, I would like to mention that I am a very independent person with my own mind, so having listened to this video I now understand why the narcissists in churches dislike me! Especially if they are in a leadership role, as I don't automatically go along with anything that is not stipulated in God's Word, which obviously indicates to them that I am not just a "Yes" person who goes along with the crowd! Could you please give me some tips on how to deal with narcissists in Christian settings? Thank you very much in advance.

[@TurtleHillTx]

Yes! Hypocrisy at it's finest.

[@randy_cbc8811]

@@c.marmion8430 I too am a committed Christian of many years (a baby boomer). Unfortunately the Pastor can be a Narc, if you can believe that. That doesn't mean he isn't a Christian, only God can judge that; it does mean, to me, that he should not be the shepherd until he gets Therapy and brings his Narcissistic bent under control.

[@Kim-kw7fo]

At my very first therapy session, my therapist said "This will be the hardest thing you ever do. Your friends will celebrate you, your family will not" In my head I thought "What the hell is she talking about?" Wow!! She was absolutely correct. Every word.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Sometimes you have to go through a type of deprogramming.

[@Lemana28021989]

Not being bothered and let their attacks run into thin air. And: Being. They survive. You are, you exist as a healthy human being with the capability to really connect, be empathetic and understand others.

[@sf356]

Another way to interpret this is: The narcissist despises you for knowing why you like what you like. They seek out material possessions and preferences that they believe will gain them admiration. The minute I explain why I like something, I see the narcissist go buy it. It’s very strange and revealing.

[@hymnodyhands]

"You knowing why you like what you like" ... this was clarifying ... the mimicry makes sense now... they don't have that function of choosing based on a set of full desires and beliefs.

[@gonzaga45377]

I once told my mother how I really liked paintings that amateur artists painted and put in gold frames. I had bought one painting in an antique store. She now has her walls in her dinning room covered with them. So very strange.

[@JerushaJane1]

Thanks so much Dr Les. Having a narcissist mother, I had to bring myself up and became very independent, and went on to become a journalist. I now have so many narcissists who really dislike me, and I have struggled to fathom out why. But I think you are explaining to me one big reason why this is so: they dislike my independence and desire to come up with my own ideas.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Keep learning!!

[@mousiebrown1747]

Bless you! Journalists are my heroes! I studied J in college (in the dark ages long ago! Lol!) and got a minor in J and BA in English. Be safe and keep well. You are essential to freedom and understanding! ❤❤❤❤❤ ✍🏻✒️📝. Pen is mightier than the sword! Ask Seymour Hersh! 😂

[@2thedivine944]

I loved when I sent a picture to him of me and a turtle I saved off the highway he told me I was taking it from its family 😁that was my favorite! 😉

[@CherylDavis321]

Dr. Carter, you nailed it!! It was this bully/narcissistic manager on my last job who wanted to make me one of her team leads She wanted me to give up my identity, freedom and peace of mind to serve her but, I declined, and I told her I was "NOT" interested in the position. I knew what she wanted and that was someone who would jump at her every command. Someone who would never question her decisions and just go along to get along, and she thought she was going to control me like a puppet on a string. Once she saw that I wasn't afraid to stand up to her and not go along with her evil agenda and that was to walk around in there screaming, yelling, harassing and bullying the employees into submission she then turned and started attacking me. I ended up reporting her and her so-called male supervisor to corporate and so did other employees as well. They were reprimanded according to corporate, but they only grew worse. She started calling me into all these unnecessary meetings and walking pass me rolling her eyes, giving me mean and nasty looks (none of which scared me at all). I just grew weary, worn, tired and sick of her. I ended up leaving my job and actually God was looking out for me and gave me a better position in another state. (It is a good contracting job), with better pay, benefits and all type of perks and a much nicer, serene environment to work in with great people. It was as though God himself took what the enemy meant for evil and turned it for my good. If they only knew how well I am doing now, they'd probably have a full-blown heart attack because they thought they had destroyed me, my self-esteem, my self-worth and self-respect as well as my identity and they thought I'd lose my house, car, furniture and everything I possessed, but the opposite happened, and I actually ended up with more than I had before!! Someone I ran into later on told me that nothing had changed after I left and that the mean nasty wicked witch wasn't looking too good, and they said they further found out some disturbing info on the male supervisor under her. The person said that he had been to jail for domestic violence against his first wife, now that explains why he would approach us women like I'll beat you if you don't do like I say!! I am so glad that I am away from those two, twisted evil parasites and my life is so much better and I am blessed!! Hey Dr, I love my independence!!! Always have and always will!! No one will ever take my freedom and independence away from me, not without a fight!! I am a beautiful individual with my own thoughts, ideas, style, likes and dislikes!! Proud of who God made me!! Unique and not exactly like anyone else on earth!!

[@hannahm1223]

You won! I’m proud of you for spotting her game, and refusing to play it.

[@heathermixson1265]

Well unfortunately, 29 years married to a malignant narc and 49 years with a covert mother, I feel that sense of "not liking them" anymore. I understand there's a complete dark knight if the soul going on within them and the consistently nastiness they RUSH to deliver just makes it hard for them TO be likable , in my opinion. I DO, however, hope that God can turn their reprobate mind around before it's too late. I also pray for the deep root of bitterness to be lifted up out of my heart that I feel towards them before it's too late for me. Thank you, Dr. Carter!!

[@Survivin2Thrivin]

Dr Caroline Leaf has some vids & books that I've been listening to for encouragement in the endeavor to reprogram my own heart, soul & mind after years of narcissistic abuse. Her presentation of how dendrites in the human brain regrow visibly different than prior when research participant reads (& listens) to word of God. I, like you, am endeavoring to not let the root of bitterness overtake me. I don't want the narcissists' demons take me down with them either💜🤍 ✝️🛐⚕️☮️🕊

[@cazjay017]

I was always accused of being jealous. Constant attacks. It was a complete projection. I’m quite an independent person and not the version of who they thought I was.

[@celticstar5049]

Love and empathy

[@mharris7380]

I think the narcissist hated me because I just got on with things, didn't need stimulating with gossip or chit chat, was focused on work and completely able to make the computer do what I wanted it to do. This caused her to make up so many crazy claims about me, even once telling other colleagues I was a spy.

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

YES, YES!!!! This is exactly right!!!! Our daughter and her husband tried to convince my husband that I was too independent and that he needed to control me more. I was not out of control at all, I was in charge of my household in terms of how I did my homemaking job. My husband loves that I take care of all the household needs without asking him. He was busy with work and loved that he came home and didn't have to do things after a hard work day. My daughter was jealous of my freedom because her husband is a controller and convinced her that he should make all the decisions. To this day they despise me because they have labeled me rebellious but I have never been that way. I have never defied my husband but I would discuss something and change his mind and they saw this as rebellion. I showed my husband that they were interfering in our marriage and had to stop it. My husband likes that I am self-sufficient and can make decisions for us that he doesn't have to make. He has been able to fully focus on his career while I focused on mine in the home. We have been married more than 50 years now, I think we know how to do this marriage thing. LOL My daughter and her husband have caused our grandchildren to see me as a bad person, they treat me at arms length as though something is wrong with me. They have no only tried to harm my relationship with my husband but have done it with our grandchildren. They all love my husband because "he is the leader" but despise me as a person who is open and honest.

[@maresnite]

Having boundaries & being truthful are excellent qualities to have. 🌻 As a friend once reminded me, You know who you are. 🌻❤️✌️

[@sylviaparker9010]

.thankyou you have put in a nutshell my feelings, thought I must be a selfish and thoughtless person to have these "thoughts",glad to know I'm not on my own. I am very strong, but sometimes what people/family say erode at your confidence and thats there way of bullying you, but to them they are " showing you the way forward " . These videos help, and your comments helped,thankyou.

[@mousiebrown1747]

Family relationships are complex and often toxic. Been there. Be very proud of yourself! Ya done good!

[@jennywager6228]

With clarity I dislike narcissistic people. No longer a manipulated and abused wife and mother. Narcissist hustling his facade in pastures new. Still sulking, still wounded the narcissist lives authentically as he always has. Pathetic when we know what's been going on. The flying monkeys were no loss either, he's surrounded by like minded people. Today I smile on team healthy at the madness that created so much sadness and madness.

[@ProfarTheGod]

You know there’s dysfunction in a relationship when operating with morals, values, and ethics actually gets you treated WORSE 💀

[@alenamaurice2812]

Wow, Dr. Carter, you've just described the reality of my 33 year marriage that ended a decade ago. As you stated in a previous video, the narcissist's primary dislike is to be deemed irrelevant. Personal independence is a corollary to this. If I'm independent, he must be irrelevant. For years (well before I recognized narcissism as a personality trait), he struggled with my lack of compliance in "the two become one" when we married. I eventually came to view this as, "the two become him" which began my gradual awareness of narcissism. I so appreciate your videos that resonate with me on several levels! They've been instructive and validating to my lived experience!

[@JohnnyCatFitz]

That's such an enlightening phrase! Two become....him! Omg

[@alenamaurice2812]

He & I were both raised with 1950's cultural values, and, having married young, I wanted to be "Suzy Homemaker" which is ideal for the narcissist. Between my brain developing as I reached maturity and my educational background, my perspective changed over time. However, having a disabled child who needed my care, I lost my career potential and became financially dependent. This was perfect for the narcissist to thrive.

[@callalilly1988]

Your testimony really resonates with me. Thank you. It's always such a relief to find such validating comments. We're not crazy.

[@virgochick1]

Dr. Les...you have no idea how much this helped me. My narcissistic ex-husband just died of alcoholism two days ago. When we were married, he was always trying to control me, to the point of telling me how I should like my steak cooked to telling me how I should think in many matters. His father controlled his mother and I never fell into step like his mom. When I divorced him, his alcoholism went off the rails and he became the worst version of his narcissism. I all makes so much sense now. Thank you.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it resonated!!

[@judy1angel]

Doesn't LIKE me? More like HATE I'd say! Sad though ain't it? But my friends all LOVE me - he probably hates that too!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I am no longer the scapegoat, no-contact is necessary, for my well-being, from the narc(dad)!

[@elim2234]

Mine always goes: you don’t like me at all, do you... you just can’t stand me... you are against me all the time... you just refuse to forgive me... 🤦🏻‍♀️

[@angelablaney4575]

Yes what they accuse you of is what they are guilty of! When I told narc I was leaving, he baited me with 'you really hate me' why don't you kill me!? Extraordinary!

[@ChloesTango]

"... little more than a prop... " With no script other than what they give you. You nailed it. It's taken me years, but finally I'm moving out in a couple of weeks. Thank you for giving me the strength to believe in myself and to appreciate the independent me. It's been a long, long haul.

[@OhPleaseMary]

So spot on, Doc! When I decided a certain 'medication' wasn't right for me, my narc friend called me. I answered the phone and the first thing I heard was a frantic, crying voice, telling me that she had something to say and I was to listen and not speak. Then she launched into a diatribe about what a horribly selfish, ignorant, uncaring and hateful person I was, (over making a decision about my own health). Every time I tried to explain, I was met with, "NO! You don't get to speak! You are going to listen to MEEEE' Finally, I just let her spin out and when she was done, I thanked her for her concern and hung up. She's never mentioned it again, but I can't quite get past that attack - it was really shocking to me that any adult would dare to speak to a peer in such a disrespectful way, especially someone I had always considered a dear friend. Thank you for helping me navigate this!

[@AnnePerkins-po5jo]

You unleashed the monster by being independent - and by considering and acting on your own health regime! Her reaction is confirmation for your decision as she was demonstrating that the 'medication' was not really working for her either.

[@JohnnyCatFitz]

They really do try to win a point or persuade people with just the force of their personality. Not facts or reason or listening to you to help you. Because they want it, it should be reason enough for you.

[@waywardstitch8604]

@OhPleaseMary I was similarly baffled when my narc sis launched into an attack on me, telling me how badly I treated her when I opted not to read her book suggestion. She said in several different accusatory ways how very rejected she felt, how disappointed she was, and how her hurt feelings were all my fault. A youtube therapist (I can't remember which one) explained that narcs see us as an extension of themselves, as if we are a physical part of their anatomy. When we don't agree with them, and don't obey them, it's as if their own hand got a mind of its own, reached around and slapped their face. That explanation explained a lot. 😁 Best wishes on your healing journey! 💞

[@terencehennegan1439]

How fortunate to experience such abuse in that you now know what sort of person she is. With a lesson like one can make great progress. It would be a lot worse had she kept that side of her well hidden. She inadvertently enlightened you. Be thankful my friend for there will be many more to learn from.

[@OhPleaseMary]

Thank you - I hadn't thought of it this way. I had honestly been baffled by the whole incident up until I was able to put a name to what it was! I'm just now starting to understand some of the people in my orbit. @@AnnePerkins-po5jo

[@LAHarder7]

11:00 "If that's the case, then I don't like you anymore," can sound pretty childish (which, of course, it is) so a narc will try to make it sound like you betrayed them: "You're not the person I thought you were."

[@waithakahrukuh6221]

My narc told me he left me because I love conflicts while the conflicts were always created by him. Everytime he has to remind me of something “I did “ but he doesn’t want to acknowledge he was the initiator.

[@sherylbeamer7189]

Dr. Carter you’ve really hit the nail on the head. My independence, boundaries and no longer being enmeshed . Yes to lack of acquiesce as well. Thank you 🙏🏼

[@sandrab2589]

Nacissists need to have control, at any cost. I recognized this in my early 20's and was able to disengage, go "no contact". I was very sad that I didn't have a loving set of parents, but grateful that I was free to choose my life's path. My brother was not brave enough to escape. Now in his 60's and with both parents dead, he wasted his life being solely at their beck and call. Narcissists thrive on creating chaos and ruining others' enjoyment of life.

[@robbiewooden5067]

They want to control u . No way.

[@Katywampus1158]

These videos have helped me so much (along with therapy). I never understood why I could never just have my own thoughts and feelings and interests without my family being personally offended and hurt. I didn't understand why we couldn't do our own thing. I remember my brother once yelling at me because I didn't like a movie he liked. When you face rage and criticism of your character for disagreeing with someone, or being independent and not needing them all the time, you just end up hiding your true self away. In my case, for decades.

[@jkiddo4254]

Yes, me too, it sucks. 💕

[@rl453]

Same! I had no idea for so many decades. I wasted so much time.

[@cynthiawhite1122]

@@rl453 Yes, it's the time wasted that makes me so angry... decades, 47 years and now all of this is worse with dementia. But he won't even go to the doctor. Actually, he did go to get a diagnosis of shingles and then forgot what the doc said about it being contagious. Now I can't leave because he refuses to sell the house and he is not capable of managing without a memory. He caused it himself with his own ridiculous stress about 0.

[@rl453]

@@cynthiawhite1122 I can’t even imagine how much worse it would be with dementia! I’m so sorry! I had gone LC with most of the people in my life years ago (I knew my family was dysfunctional but only discovered the root was the cult like system recently & got roped back in when my spouse died several years ago). I’ve gone NC with nearly everyone several months ago & LC even with people I like in my family to prevent getting roped back in again. I miss my spouse but love this peace. I watch these videos to learn & be on guard.

[@tigerguitara]

If I get something I want or need, covert gaslighting (stealing, moving, breaking things) always steps up til we’re “even”

[@mostHigh23]

He was so nasty to me just saying I was this I was that. He was demeaning, devaluing, dismissive, cold, all the bed shit you can think of and he wonder why I left😅 absolutely unbelievable.

[@edenjennings8395]

Dr C.... what is sad is that we absolutely are not thinking what they think we are thinking at first. Maybe even for the first many months or years. But after years of them projecting back so much negativity at us when we attempt to approach them about any conflict the fact is we eventually do think negatively about them. It's a self fulfilled proficy

[@usernameisunavailable8270]

They literally chase us away cause deep down they know they don't deserve us. But also they don't want to lose the control over us either. So they are conflicted between their own twisted thoughts.

[@user-vm7uv9ep9y]

Shortly before I recently left my ex, I told him that I didn't need him, he looked at me as though I had just fallen out of the sky !

[@janec1354]

When I was nursing I had a manager that I now realise was a narcissist. I told her I couldn’t keep working 80 hours per week anymore because I had a family member with a terminal diagnosis. She said nothing and turned her back on me. She then waged a war of disinformation about me. I left!

[@gloriadonahue7241]

I really needed this video. It's funny how that happens some times. I am not a crier, but yesterday was too much. I broke down crying at work. I work all alone, so no one was around. All because I am surrounded by people who are so invalidating. It doesn't matter what group of people I am around.....family, friends or co-workers. (I do have co-workers for 1 hour, then they leave) I feel like I'm trapped and I can't get out. So, thank you so much for the video. I've watched it 3 times now.

[@mousiebrown1747]

Loneliness is our enemy as well as our safe hiding place. While you’re young, make other social connections. Check out any church, join a swim class at a local pool, see what community crafting or artistic courses are available in your city or county. It is ESSENTIAL to do this before you get as old as I am, in my 70’s, and friends start to unexpectedly die. Ask about this at the local library - they can help you find fun connections to local groups. Please do this!

[@rob_see]

sorry to hear you are feeling that. it must be overwhelming. you recognizing the mechanics of what is occurring is a great sign! it means you are healing. i hope you are well

[@Jade-hr1mf]

Good luck on your healing journey, and know you are not alone in your experiences and feelings. ❤

[@Lifetalk849]

Understand your frustration! I've been in a couple of work situations with a narcissistic boss (but supportive/sane co-workers). Fortunately, I've been able to escape & rebound without serious harm to mental/emotional health or career. Best advice I can offer is: Start looking for a means of escape, and when you find it, GO. Your life is too short & your health is too precious to waste around those clowns in your workplace.

[@gloriadonahue7241]

@@mousiebrown1747 I'm 68.

[@Sheisme120]

They do such mental gymnastics to convince themselves that they’re superior and in charge.

[@deborahanderson4211]

Being strong and not taking their bull crap!

[@joannageorge7305]

Actually, I do reject them, now. For decades it was just a cruel accusation. But these excuses for family made it a reality. It's just a shame how long it took and how big the losses on the way to this realisation.

[@SandraMuller-vs8ck]

When exposed to people who are delusional thinkers, while still in professions of trust, integrity and honesty has given me the reason to question their existence. I thank you so much Dr Carter for educating me on this subject of narcissism. This experience has taught me to recognize these behaviors, while understanding that irrespective of their status or portfolio they claim to possess will not exempt them from these abnormal behaviors. I am feeling blessed. Life is good and healthy. God bless. ❤

[@user-qv9nw1dq2f]

We have to be independent and think independently and live our own lives making our own life choices.

[@BusyMagnaBee]

You are absolutely describing My ex-brother. How can children be raised in the same household and be so different in their approach to the world ???? I have blocked this person from my life, though I am having to deal with him regarding my mother’s estate. I long for the day when he is no longer in my life in any way. He is absolute toxicity and Ido not want that in my life. I’m proud to be the person he does not like.

[@Lailat854]

When narcissists loose control - they collapse! This❤️

[@MariaSantana-ul5wd]

SO true. Independence is what they hate the most. There is a reason why God gave mankind free will...especially to do good and not evil to others.

[@franciscoguevara9727]

With selfcompassion and healthy boundaries i keep my inner child and true self integrated and me finding safe enough other relationships. I understand that being and shining and sharing my authentic self is how i can connect and share my true self, and get my needs met. Selfcompassion and healthy boundaries keep me safe, and allow me to see who my people are, im grateful i can also advocate for my needs to see who is emotioanlly available to help me meet , those needs for conneciton and where i can share my true self. I can take my space in the world and share my true self. I can have selfcompassion and healthy boundaries when necesary to keep myself safe, i can find safe enough people for my circle who are capeable of empathy, and where i can share my true self/ and get my needs met. I am worth it in a good way. Grateful for this healing journey. Im worth it in a good way, were worth it. We keep healing were worth it. With gentleness humor love and respect were worth. it . God speed were worth it :)

[@jewellann7553]

My boyfriend is an alcoholic and a narcissist person, that I was not aware of in the beginning.

[@alanaadams7440]

On every subject she is belicos ultimate authority for n everything. Her husband told her where to get something she wanted and she said " I am a grown ass woman don't tell me what to do"

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

A grown ass woman acting like a 5 year old.

[@desertgirlwarrior1921]

😂😂😂@@SurvivingNarcissism YUP!!! That defo sums it/them up!!!

[@suzannemckitterick2781]

You, sir, are the best, bar none, narcissism no-nonsense authority on-line, and I thank you, immensely.....

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are quite welcome, and thank you for the good vibes.

[@kathyvanwilgenburg7264]

I have a narcissistic mother and her biggest complaint about me for all my years (I’m 58) is that I’m independent. Truth is I had to be independent to survive.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

It's amazing that they see independence as threatening. Classically, independence refers to have the capacity to choose for yourself.

[@sandracaezza7234]

He may have been a professional however my independence he could not “ control” out of me. I after 24 yrs found it extremely to give “ honor” to someone that had an addiction problem, relapse / recovery rinse repeat. Thank goodness for my independence,I had to do plenty to continue pursue my sense of self. He was extremely child like with trauma from his past. That being said the narc in him went to the gym built up the outward appearance,relapse on steroids, showing the world his false self. My independence packed his bags, new supply could never matter. His fear of me……..I know what really is. My healing has opened a window of becoming my authentic,healthy self. TY Dr. C these feeds are such nourishing insight for us all.😊

[@NikkiGRocks4Ever]

If a narcissist ever directly told me that they don’t like me. I would say thank you. I would walk away. 😊 I would take it as an indication that I have successfully set boundaries. Besides their approval does not add to my personal worth or value. 💪

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad you're not in their club!

[@NikkiGRocks4Ever]

@@SurvivingNarcissism It’s sad that they are insecure bullies who don’t seem to want to become better people. Thank you for your channel. I appreciate the insight and the compassion you share.

[@evelynwells-rk1ed]

They made up this false image of me!

[@tuptuzlusu]

They can easily snap and most of the times for me it was very small things he got triggered like I went to hair saloon or answer the shipping guys phone. Like he wanted to decide every small details in our life. And they show very very dangerous reactions when you finally break that cycle. When I got restraining order against him and filed for divorce he tried to burn our apartment, stole my car and left a huge debt for me to pay. When you break up with them they just want to end you completely. It's insane.

[@arabianhorses4ever115]

My narcissist husband is confusing. In a way, I suppose he doesn't like my independence, my ideas are never good enough, nothing I say is correct or valid, he doesn't believe anything I tell him and argues with everything. If I have to depend on him, like if I am sick, or need a hand, or need help financially, it makes him very angry too, and rarely will he ever pitch in. If by chance he does, it's thrown in my face for years or is somehow conditional. Basically I have no choice but to be independent. I don't get it.

[@CH-tp3re]

Facts.

[@pinkrosessheila]

This explains everything with a couple of people in my life. They were not completely allowed to be who they were from someone else when they were growing up, and there was a ton of codependency going on. Because of that, they projected that way of being onto others, myself included. I will never fit into their box. I was their scapegoat too often and made to feel bad when I didn't "perform" to their expectations. I realize now that I am not "bad", but just my own self, who had my own struggles going on at the time. This explanation was eye-opening.

[@MisssAnthrope49]

Oddly, yes, but we are post irony. The whole taffy pull of superiority:inferiority that cause her so much chaos. Tired of tip toeing through the minefield.