Covert Narcissism + Gaslighting = Your Anxiety

Covert narcissists can be sneaky in the ways they attempt to manipulate you. They can be expert gaslighters. Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter points you toward 6 ways the covert narcissist gaslights you, with the goal of teaching you how not to be ensnared by the resulting anxiety.
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 39 years he has conducted over 60,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars.
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[@tbd5082]

Sending love to all who have been tortured by these demons.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So kind. Dr. C

[@BrendaLee381]

Yeah, for those of us who've been to hell and back, we understand...but the world doesn't....I guess the world is one big narcissist. Love and healing to you all. Amen.

[@mariasartzis-pellicier1723]

Thank you!! Love right back at ya!

[@sandrathomas2893]

Definitely demonic in my opinion and according to scripture. Jezebel and Leviathan spirits. My x's eyes would turn from brown to green and he would foam at the mouth during his horrific rage attacks. That's not natural. No way! JS 🙏

[@BrendaLee381]

@@sandrathomas2893 Yeah, it's otherworldly... and it's very odd that they can conceal themselves to the outside world so well. But, some day they will be revealed.

[@patient8098]

Gaslighting is the worse.. probably the strongest technique used.. years can be lost before you understand what's going on.

[@kellyleighread807]

O I know. 36 year's of marriage and not ever knowing the truth.

[@jeanaallison7236]

Yes, the gaslighting thing. Omg. I feel like a moron. 😪 Now, I'm on to him. But it's very tiring...

[@patient8098]

@L0ve Gratitude worry not, my friend! You're about to get your life back.. I'm doing exactly the same as you, after 10yr of my subconscious trying to tell me to run.. once you've gathered you're dealing with a npd, it's game over!

[@shortchanged9889]

Exactly Danny.. I'm coming out of a 30 yr marriage/mirage...

[@patient8098]

@@shortchanged9889 30yr of narcissistic abuse, that's rough! I hope recovery is going well! Enjoy the rest of your life, man! I doubt much will get you down, after that!

[@sublimesamoyed]

When this person is your parent, it genuinely impacts you at a core level. You will live a large part of your adult life feeling confused, anxious, and self loathing.

[@loannagarwood]

Katie Lynn How can we overcome or understand or prevent or defend? No one wants to be treated like this, but I feel too fucked up to fix it or get over it or even grow up, all this happens subconsciously, so how can we learn? Mom-ster

[@christinalw19]

@@loannagarwood dear one, you must pull yourself up by your bootstraps ( an old saying😉) and use your God-Given resources! You are strong, aware, and caring. How do I know? Because you see the difference. 😘🙏🏼❤️

[@devigndesign8370]

@@loannagarwood dr. Les Carter and dr. Ramani are the one who can help, first to understand and then to live trough the traumas and going through the ugly truth and growing a new self respect. We can do it and we deserve it and we owe it to ourselves. Bless you

[@sideswiped6874]

@@loannagarwood how did I get threw it? well, it hurt terribly. but the more I learned about the Covert the more I realized how terrible life truly is for them. for every friendship and relations they have is based on lies, lies and more lies!! I have come to pity my parents and brother. they threw away all the years I looked up to them, they have lost all what I had for them. and I pity them for loosing that. and Pity them for all the dirt they will bring to themselves tomorrow and beyond!!!

[@elizabethbrown8833]

Dangerous in abusive family situation. Makes Reporting it and being believed seem impossible to overcome, but thanking God its getting recognition in all the right places. . 🧡🦋🥀🙏

[@breakthroughmoment1647]

Realizing that communication with a covert narcissist can never be “normal,” is a tremendous weight off one’s shoulders. Knowledge is power!

[@drmtokes]

Amen!

[@LisaPFrampton]

It makes me verrry sad because that's my husband! :'(

[@robertdabob8939]

When I finally disconnected I felt just that, and I could feel my own identity coming back to life now that my own interests were back on the radar. It's especially frustrating on a personal level for me because my number one interest is psychology and personal growth, so naturally I felt as though I came in to her life to help her overcome. But she has to want to help herself,first and foremost. Now that I'm emotionally detached maybe I can now, but from a distance. I know we're not supposed to think this way, but the problem for these people is their unwillingness to let their defenses down, so if that's ever to happen it'll be best achieved in an impersonal way, and in writing from a distance. That way I'm not actually there to manipulate or to defend against, so she'll have an opportunity to speak freely to questions I ask that are too uncomfortable otherwise, hopefully begin to gain some much needed self awareness, and start taking the first steps in choosing to respond differently to her triggers. God knows I'm the only one who ever cared enough to have the patience to let her do that.

[@myishenhaines1706]

Yes!

[@bls837]

Robert Dabob . I am 68 and done personal growth all my life. Today I kicked him out after 48 years of him doing exactly what these videos say. He had me the last decades with holding my hand and driving me crazy. I was just honest all that time with him and he played off my narc mother caused all my brain and emotional problems. Thank good I had light bulbs finally come on. I have been wondering what the hell was the matter with me? I might die lonely and broke but I did finally see the answers clearly.

[@matthewherr1588]

Gaslighting is so powerful that I still doubt my perception of the abuse even after dozens of people in my life have confirmed it, as well as videos like these and other resources.

[@oheyjennymay1699]

Yep. Its disgusting. It’s hard to wrap your head around someone being capable of being so horrible to another human, so you think it must be something you’re doing wrong. My brain still has trouble comprehending how someone feels better by damaging another human being’s spirit so horribly.

[@audreym.f9077]

True! You tend to not trust your own emotions.

[@frostyvr7678]

me too

[@lovemrj4ever]

Jenny May Yes. They damage the spirit so much it is impossible to comprehend.

[@blueshoes915]

Yes! That is why I started writing it all down. I’d write down all the awful things I remembered and look at the list when I was questioning my perception. If you are still in it. Write down all the things right after they happen, that way, you can look at a log of what was FOR SURE said and done and you won’t be persuaded otherwise. I would go back and read my mom’s texts to me. That always helps clear up that she is abusive as it is right there in black and white in her own words. I think the best though, is my list of all the horrible, yet subtle, things she has done. Also, my therapist is wonderful and keeps me honest on things. She says I tend to downplay my abuse. Not anymore! It’s a new year and a new decade and I am completely free. I went no contact about 9 months ago. I hope you are free now also and getting help professionally or working on it yourself to heal. They are vile human beings but we can take our lives back. Hugs! 💕

[@MichelleECKHU8]

And heres a big one, you can never love them enough. You can never heal them, help them, change them. Love is not always enough. They are disordered and it wont work no matter how hard you try... peace

[@rachel2journal]

YES! Agreed. No matter how much you sacrifice, they are looking for the next victim to worship them behind your back (even though I see it quite clearly).

[@chark2718]

Yes i have tried & tried my whole life to love them but it's futile.

[@MichelleECKHU8]

Charlie, that was my point exactly.

[@emilygraham1153]

Michelle Rosenblum MS, MSed Yes and then they tell you "It doesn"t work" before flying into a rant. Just incredible. They are N-E-V-E-R wrong. Oi!! Emily Liberty

[@kathleenjbazan5563]

So true, nothing was ever enough, love, sex, attention, nothing can fill up that empty hole in their soul.

[@fmoys1408]

My mother’s gas lighting destroyed my identity. I lost myself, I’m only just getting myself sorted. I’m 39 years old, we’ll get there survivors. Thank you Dr Carter.

[@Trebx567]

Don't worry life must go on, life begins at 40.

[@MrGoncaloFigueiras]

same here.goog to know we are not alone

[@DMCdantenero112]

Same right here. Even after I read so much about narcissistic abuse, and found out that my mom was a covert narc, I still have no idea who I am. I constantly doubt my own feelings, emotions and recollection of events. Hell, I'm even doubting the abuse ever happened even though I have had my therapist and close relatives confirm it. Covert narcs just mess you up.

[@leximia5539]

@@DMCdantenero112 I hear you.. I cannot get my head around this abuse yet I know its true.. Its soul destroying..

[@leximia5539]

So glad you have support system.. We need it.. We have been left so insecure we doubt everything.. That's how the narc wants us.. Stay strong.. And get free.. 👍

[@kathleenjbazan5563]

40 years for me and FINALLY figuring out what I was dealing with. Thought I was crazy, selfish,overthinking, and accused of making s____t up. Thank God for the internet and videos like this, I am healing and doing ok.

[@mlesposito207]

Kathleen let me know how to heal over a long relationship? Been thru it all. Malignant Narcissism

[@canduscanty8583]

Same hear..best wishes on your journey 🙏🏽

[@canduscanty8583]

@@mlesposito207 being here is a good start ..best wishes on your journey 🙏🏽

[@kathleenjbazan5563]

@@mlesposito207 therapy, RMD therapy and more therapy. He is paying big time, out of his pocket. Of course he thinks my therapy needs are because I’m a depressed person, nothing to do with him. Unfortunately I’ve had to stay married because of finances and investments. But I’ve learned how to detach myself from him, typically he doesn’t notice, still wrapped up in his own self.

[@amandapineda3380]

I love you Kathleen, your are a strong amazing person. I’m proud of you for healing and finding the strength to move on. Sending you blessings.

[@Bridgton1]

Uses intimate conversations and personal experiences against you.....

[@InvincibleJ]

yip. I know this too well. It's horrible.

[@Bridgton1]

Jan Brennan lol mine went to law school!

[@miamyself9897]

Jan Brennan my narcissist IS a lawyer! Never Again!

[@marylim1494]

Just work on staying away and move on to a new life subtly... Only then you can recover for yourself and deserving individuals in your life...

[@dawnelizabeth1828]

Or as my low contact oldest brothenemy lol who's now a retired narcopath attorney, enough soooooo that I wrote him an essay of an autobiography.

[@Libra_Girl.]

Oh yeah they're total martyrs, pointing out everything they've done for us and insinuating how lucky we are to have them in our lives. You almost hear the violin playing when they're in this mode.

[@dakoderii4221]

I almost hear the Three stooges and the twilight zone theme also

[@hisnewlife3543]

Thats true! I am constantly told what he pays for, what he bought for me. I just wish I could find a good job soon so I will never have to hear that again!

[@jeanaallison7236]

Once my covert narcissist said to me "I give u a place to stay..." 😐 I've been married to him for 18 yrs! Wtf is that supposed to mean?

[@rachel2journal]

I had a sibling call me a martyr once when I was exhausted caring for our mother. Sibling has been manipulative all our lives. She wanted me along on a trip just to be the nurse for mom. Like she cared more about going out and having fun then taking a turn caring for mom. Talk about gaslighting. I am only good as long as I can be told what to do by her. Things have changed since I pretty much try to grey stone people. So hard for me to trust anyone that has hurt me as a deflection or projection. I am needing to move away from people that take advantage of me, my spouse is my biggest gas lighter. Usually hiding behind his need to be worshipped and cared for while he is in a manic or depressive state. I am a magnet. Thanks for letting me vent.

[@Libra_Girl.]

@@rachel2journal Classic projection ~ call YOU the martyr!

[@brittanyg2529]

The crazy thing about these types is that bend and twist the truth to fit their reality. They make you look bad, to make themselves look like a good person. The worst type of “human” imaginable.

[@pjpj3416]

I call them monsters myself, the worst people on the planet. Ugh!

[@lambchop6278]

You put it well. They are sick, really. I see them as their own little Sun whereby they act to pull everything in their vicinity to orbit about them. Spend enough time around them and you'll feel pulled and pushed around. Their stupidity works in their favor. They're so dense they are convinced of their rightness and other people get fooled by this "confidence"; confidence that's built on ignorance and an utter lack of self and other awareness. They're also a holes, though, as a part of them is aware and just does not care.

[@laurawhitaker1797]

I was married to a covert narcissist for over 30 years. From the get-go he engaged in crazy-making behavior-one day I was deemed beautiful and the next day he complained I looked chunky in a particular outfit-one that he had recently told me I looked good in! Years later when I understood his behavior as gaslighting and confronted him about it, he would attempt to change the topic. Throughout the relationship, I could never get him to talk about himself or his behavior in any meaningful way; the discussion was always redirected to considering my issues, even after I discovered he had been having multiple affairs that he tried to pass off as mere “dalliances.” Bottom line: Covert narcissists are deeply damaged, weak, fearful and ultimately empty people who have learned to navigate the world by weaponizing their fear to manipulate it and in doing so destroy others’ sense of well-being. The only option is to sever communication with them-to not accept the invitation to their party.

[@eddiebingbong7977]

If more people were as thoughtful kind hearted and wise as you Dr Carter this world would be a whole lot easier to get by on.

[@melodieperkins7080]

Yes I have learned so much from him

[@thinkforyourselfjohn3163]

I agree with you. He is one outstanding gentleman. God Bless him. A huge Blessing to many. 💗

[@jeanaallison7236]

❤

[@robertdabob8939]

You can just feel the warmth and caring of this man by listening to him. That southern drawl and compassion are a beautiful combination. I'd I had to guess I'd say he's an infp like myself, but more highly developed and less jaded than myself lol.

[@mtlicq]

Mr. Carter?

[@blissbliss3531]

I can't stand to be around them....stomach tightens up......horrendous feeling RUN, you are fantastic Dr. Carter......

[@meera2531]

The stomach is the center of fear. The chest is that of courage. The throat is the center of pain... They're linked to the chakras.

[@sammiemk2364]

Same! Stomach was always tighened around them! Was the first time interacting with a man! My mistake, thought it was my shyness and butterflies. I ran during lovebombing phase, his exwife warned me.

[@drppr76]

7:01 - been there, the narcissist always makes you the bad guy even though you never did anything wrong

[@richardmeyer1837]

I'm Going Through This Frequently

[@Judealexzschuyler]

YEEEEEESSSSSSS Literally happened to me today. He outright said “I said those things because you have so many barrier” in response to me telling him you don’t say things like “You’re difficult to love” and “you’d feel wanted here if you were happy instead of depressed” to someone you (claim to) love.

[@goldenmagnolia333]

You are exactly right! It’s always us who are wrong, NEVER them! 🙄

[@solaniamorgansteign]

My ex husband blamed me for the end of our marriage and his depression. I tried to help him with his depression. I tried to fight for our marriage but he pushed me away because he found somone he liked better, the shiney new person. I'm the bad guy for having anxiety though.

[@ablankslate6339]

@@solaniamorgansteign I am about to go through this too. I have endured my last "rage" Now to disentangle.

[@lindaw.1568]

I see 6 thumbs down ... the narcs are here and you've got 'em worried Dr. Les! Keep up the great work! 💕

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I noticed last night I had a thumbs down and the video hadn't even run yet. Geez! Dr. C

[@lindaw.1568]

Surviving Narcissism Told you they're worried! 😉

[@springfauna1465]

Lol!!!!! Exactly!!

[@jacquelineford5503]

Dr. Carter's videos have been a blessing upon blessings...I always Share them within my family and friends circle. Also, post them on my Facebook page. 💖💞💖

[@jayjo77144]

I never understood thumbs down in general ......... If you dont like it dont watch it 👍 done

[@chinookvalley]

These narcs are killing us. Literally.

[@rachel2journal]

Absolutely. I am not dealing with emotional and mental exhaustion. So much so, I cannot function. My memory is at a loss and I am so weepy all the time.

[@kelley0404]

Rachel Bennett get away and stay away. Promise to take care of yourself and learn what healthy looks like.

[@taralilarose1]

Yep....they're everywhere and run the world!!

[@gloriamaryhaywood2217]

@@rachel2journal Nothing is Worth living like that. NOTHING. Please, by whatever means necessary, Get Out!!!

[@oheyjennymay1699]

chinookvalley yep. When I say he’s going to kill me, I don’t mean i’m going to end up an episode of 48 hours on ID with Maureen Maher, I mean the high arousal/fight or flight my body has been in 24/7 for is going to end up killing me. I’m going to die of a disease or medical problem that would normally be seen in a geriatric patient before I’m 50 if I can’t get this under control.

[@sunnyl8276]

This is EXACTLY what happened to me. I developed a major panic disorder because he was constantly changing how he spoke,was so unpredictable, made me grovel, would suddenly snap, would talk down to me, belittle me when I broke down ... gosh. Scary that there are people like that :(

[@cindycohn174]

When something bad happens, they twist it to make it my fault.

[@sallymctigue4079]

And they all want to know, "Why did you divorce him?" ... "He's such a nice guy.." Nobody sees the wounds of this abuse. You can't see it yourself until "the straw that breaks the camels back." Then you have been in it for so long, you have lost yourself and all your identity. If that is not enough, he continues to take everything away from you and says YOU are crazy - convincing everyone. They cannot take enough away from you to make themselves regain their power over you. There is no bigger tantrum than a narcissist losing control of someone else's MIND.

[@SinCityTx]

Wow, *this* is my life - like, you & I must seriously know the very same person. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

[@susanparker9877]

This is so true. I am on the receiving end of a narcissist who has lost me, and who is trying to regain power. The words 'leave me alone' don't register with him.

[@LindyLooo99]

Yes... my anxiety was so bad I couldn’t function! All my energy was gone!

[@mikeyblaze]

Yeah it's hard getting away from a narc when it's your parents and you're always exhausted. One step at a time I'll make it out eventually

[@rhondanelson2669]

Your voice is so wise, warm and comforting. It feels like a warm safe blanket wrapped around me.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Pleased! Dr. C

[@atamvallabh2895]

@@SurvivingNarcissism indeed yes soft yet protective blanket...lullaby yet empowering lullaby

[@drmtokes]

My favorite comment...... "I don't remember that, but if I did I'm sorry"

[@shannon8315]

@Sonja Walker mine too, never sorry, just I don't remember.

[@pamelajones1549]

I dont remember but ..... maybe YOU misunderstood me, OR that would not have been my intention!!

[@shannon8315]

@The world I live in If they know you, wouldn't they also know the difference?

[@pamelajones1549]

@The world I live in and there is the difference- You apologise

[@stephaniebedford2234]

Oh my gosh yes!

[@zofinney9305]

I had no idea there were people like this in this world. This has been the hardest thing I've ever been through, barely made it out alive.

[@sherrim4067]

This will be a good one. Covert narcs and blantent overt narcs both gaslight. But it's a great tool, for the covert, who has you thinking all is fine and then a big " gotcha". When ever I hear the words " I never said that, or" you never help me with" I know I am about to be gaslighted." Commenters have you heard those phrases too?

[@christinebuckingham8369]

Sherri M Yes for far too many years

[@NiseyT222]

Sherri M yes, I hear it all the time

[@cindykaye3152]

I heard those phrases and more: "just because you don't remember me saying it doesn't mean I didn't.", "I'm sorry you didn't hear me when I told you..." "it's not my fault you don't listen to me" "...not my fault you don't understand me"...

[@rachel2journal]

YES. All the time. Just when I think things are settling down, BOOOOOM! Another critique about how I changed for the worse or I am not helping enough.

[@sherrim4067]

@@cindykaye3152 oh Cindy, you nailed it. I hear that too. I actually went to get my hearing tested. I have good hearing. Maybe I don't translate Narc "speech" well.

[@roxannecox7861]

Thank you, Dr. Carter. This is EXACTLY what is happening in my life. Knowledge is power. I'm gonna be OK!

[@roxannecox7861]

@@judyscheiber3661 Thank you. It will be work...but I will.

[@richardmeyer1837]

We Are Strong We Will Be Ok

[@roxannecox7861]

@@richardmeyer1837 Yes, we will!!!

[@roxannecox7861]

@@judyscheiber3661 I'm going to remember that. Thanks!

[@Bloem777]

Prayers for you...!

[@revertinthemaking]

I find you to be an amazing communicator. So rare.

[@shannon8315]

I feel anxious, depressed, confused, lost, and exhausted all at the same time? My mind, body and emotions are in a constant battle in an unfamiliar environment.

[@Bridgton1]

My estranged husband is the worst. He appears like a hero in front of others but behind closed doors he’s abusive and blames me for his abuse. Hmmmmm...... all his pressures and how hard he has to work blah blah, always switching it around to poor him. I’ve had years of therapy and he still hurts me terribly.

[@jadazonn3061]

Sound like my be now ex husband of 23yrs! I cant believe took me too long to realize n understand what nasistic of a person he has been! I now know he is a master manipulator!

[@christinebuckingham8369]

Bridgton1 He is a street “angel” but in reality a house devil - good luck to you. Wishing you freedom, peace and healing. 💖🍀💖

[@christinebuckingham8369]

jada zonn Good luck, peace and healing to you too. 💖🍀💖

[@jadazonn3061]

@@christinebuckingham8369 thank you so much ❤

[@sherrim4067]

Bridgton, I know that type of man all too well.

[@MichelleECKHU8]

Intermittent reinforcement is probably one of the most confusing things, because it leaves you questioning whether you did something to offend by accident, or what's happening. Very confusing and toxic. Took me a long time to realize that this was in play. Thanks for attn to it. 😊 the moment I took my power back she actually said, "You're so much more confident now. No one can manipulate you any longer. I was grateful for the confirmation of her manipulations.

[@kathasfaith7643]

I agree...this was another biggie for me!!!

[@joyofsalvation100]

People, make sure your kids won't become narcissist. Train them to be kind and team workers. So it will not all about them but appreciate everything good they do in life.

[@jakskeys]

Coverts are the worst. Sneaky, slippery, guilt tripping, emotional blackmailing. Can get your head spinning making you think you’re a bad person when you know you’re not. Have you doubting your own name. And all under the guise of “mr nice guy”. And they are as miserable as f#%^k 😩

[@roshawngreene7069]

Exactly! My ex would use all of these tactics... She 86'ed me when I've began calling her out on her tactics and her dismissive and gaslighting behavior... It was like as if a seven-year-old child trying to prove her ridiculous reasoning to an adult... It's so pathetic and frustrating to see an grown woman to act like that!

[@jakskeys]

Roshawn Greene I found that accepting their POV kept the boat steady. But soon as you challenge them then the sulks, whining and projection begin. Pathetic creatures who can’t win or lose an argument fair and square. And the negative energy you feel around them is a total mood killer. Toxic emotional vampires with no identity

[@1986nitya]

Agree completely.

[@RedbarClothing]

Yes!!

[@frostyvr7678]

yes this is exctly what i experienced

[@betweenames]

Omg true statements with large gaps of missing information... SOOO TRUE An example of this for folks who haven't had the pleasure of experiencing it would be as follows: you start dating your narc (unwittingly of course ) and he mentions a traumatic moment when he found his new wife decades ago in a compromised position with her boss. He explains how he used it as an opportunity to become a better husband and man and forgave her. Fast forward six years into your relationship with the narc and you find out the boss had actually forced himself on the wife and she almost even pressed charges. You spent six years thinking your narc forgave her for infidelity... why? Because that's the part he told you. That's the part he wanted you to focus on , in this case to be certain he came off as the victim and the hero. NOTHING IS EVER WHAT IT SEEMS WITH THESE DISORDERED INDIVIDUALS. THEY ARE MASTERS OF THE LIE BY OMISSION AND REVISIONIST HISTORY.

[@ronw484]

Yes. The revisionist history was a big one for the narc I knew and one he loved to use. Then, when caught in his twisted tales and the truth was pointed out of what really happened, he'd get all huffy and silent and act insulted, offended and outraged. He always twisted every story so he'd either be the noble hero or the aggrieved martyr who was done oh so wrong- and it was all a load of manipulative rubbish. However, even now, I'm not sure if he actually believed his revisionist histories/twisted tales or whether he knew that he was spewing pure garbage and was doing it on purpose. I wonder if they lie to themselves and in their own disordered mind, the lie suddenly becomes the "truth?"

[@betweenames]

@@ronw484 I'm sure they're not all the same but in my experience he just spews lies like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Or like a rat running away

[@SurprizedDaily]

@@ronw484 I've wondered the very same here ron! I'm all but 100% certain they've told nothing but lies all day every day of their so-called lives to where I truly do believe & told the ex-narc, she's the Only one who believes all her own bs, yet nobody else does! If they're fool enough to buy into their lies, they won't for long as they never tell the same stories twice! There's always differences, every time they tell their fables of pure fiction they've created on the fly in their fantasy lands they try to drag anyone & every one into as another source of supply! Demon possessed & usually they're alcoholics and/or drug addicts both! The one I ended up with was both! 50 year old body, she used only to gain attention with & totally destroy the insides of herself & has likely been doing so her entire life now! Anytime she got that demonic look of pure evil in her eyes & would threaten me, I'd always say, "Go ahead, if it'll make your day better. I am NOT scared of you demons", anytime I called them out, she would get a look come over her as if in total shock, I was not scared! Weirdest thing I've ever encountered! Sex with her, same thing would happen more times than I care to recall, her eyes would roll right up inside her eyelids to where all I'd see is total whites of the bottoms of her eye balls! Exactly like depicted in so many movies! I also called her out on that every time I saw it!

[@BrendaLee381]

@@ronw484 No, they can't lie to themselves, they can be deceitful, and they love to get away with cheating and lying. Period.

[@aquagirl9228]

As I'm going through the worst time in my life, the only thing my narcissistic sister can do is call my husband and ask if " I'm still on my meds" That was a major red flag for me. She then went dead silent on me... it's been 5 + years. I am so grateful for all the doctors on KZbin for opening my eyes to these demons. 🙏🙏🙏

[@JohnSmith-ji7xt]

mine would say you always play the victim when I really was the victim of his lies and deceit.

[@shraddhawatwe7493]

Gosh yes this is how they are!!!!

[@jenniferkrumm4280]

Thank you so much. This video was precisely what I needed today. The worst thing about dealing with these people is the confusion they sow.

[@MichelleECKHU8]

For me, the only way our of the pain and manipulation from Narc family members and former partners, was to face my own codependency that was created in my childhood. This channel and others, such as Melanie Tonia Evan's have helped me to heal my pain body so they no longer trigger me. Blessings

[@paulaoppedisano3685]

Me too 😊🍎MTA is awesome!

[@christinetaylor3378]

Well done Michelle it's a difficult road, but you do come out the other side a lot stronger. Best wishes.

[@justdawndb]

I'm in the same boat as you. Its a tough row to hoe, I am an example of how life can have some freeing experiences, after six decades! Still have issues and exposure, Dr Carter is helping so much. Many good thoughts sent your way!

[@NessaD]

Michelle this also applies to me! Yes recognizing the codependency that this Behavior creates in early childhood is so interesting and we can break the chain!

[@karmpuscookie]

Well observed Michelle. My codependency to my mother began when my Dad died - I was 26; I am 56 now, all alone. She has utterly destroyed my life. Why could I not see what she was doing. Smh

[@oldskoolordie]

Call a gaslighted a liar out of the blue and see their reaction. They can’t stand it, they feel exposed. Arm yourself with documented truth and hit them with it like a stick. I didn’t say that. Yes you did you said it on 3rd April at 10:15AM. I thought this person was going to have a breakdown. It almost made all of the suffering tolerable.

[@cherylduckworth8185]

Boy, you must have met him, it's so dead-on. I spent 17 years thinking I was the villain in this life play. Thanks for setting me free

[@melodieperkins7080]

Glad you are free

[@lochbessmonsta5348]

Same but with my mom. I'm so relieved to finally understand what has been going on my whole life. My dad too but I havent seen him for years and now I wont be seeing my mom anymore either.

[@cherylduckworth8185]

@@melodieperkins7080 Thank You!

[@judyosowa5516]

Torture is extreme hell dealing with whatever is causing their dysfunction

[@ShantanuSen_Profile]

Correct analysis! Anxiety --> amygdala hijack --> suppression of rational brain --> once again the narcissist managed to remain undetected.

[@dancinina4592]

🎮👀🙊🙉🙈💀🏍🙄🤕😴😩🕵👁🎩🤡🤷🤒🤚🤚🤚🤚

[@erstwhile3793]

The covert form of gaslighting is SO subtle! Once again, Dr Carter, I thank you for helping me understand what’s been exhausting me for the last twenty some years. Knowledge really is power, in this context. When you said to stop trying to get their approval, that was a huge relief. It made me realize there is one other form of gaslighting that you didn’t name as such, and it is a primary one that my narcissist uses: moving the goalposts constantly. And it’s really in the little things that he drains me the most effectively, probably because they stay under the radar. Example: we need a new filter for the refrigerator. He hints that I should get it, with a flavoring of delegation that puts me in a position of being delegated to (or childlike). I immediately freeze up and cannot seem to do this simple task, which he repeatedly reminds me to do, in a subtly “this is the kind of useless behavior I can expect from you” manner, over the next couple months. It’s not until the filters arrive in the mail (because he finally took matters into his own hands) that it dawns on me: I froze because I knew that if I went ahead and bought one myself, no matter how or where, he would question me as to why I chose that venue, brand, etc, and if I asked him where he thought I should get it, he would very likely serve up a confusing word salad, leaving me unsure which, if any, vendor had his approval. And if I didn’t buy one, he would act out this drama focused on my uselessness and incompetency. There is no road to his approval in this situation, or most situations. It’s not this big, shouting, attack that can be named as such; it’s this insidious drip, drip of disapproval and judgements that are mostly held silently, and revealed in subtle, implied, oblique communications. Which makes it so much harder to recognize for the diminishing one-two punch that it is. And so much harder to hold it to account. He can (and does) turn it on it’s side and treat me like an overreactive, crazy person if I try to call out what is going on. He’s still punishing me, three years later, for finally blurting out the subliminal truth that I feel really foggy and shut down when he’s around.

[@susanparker9877]

You summed it all up when you called word salad. So many nonsence words, in so many directions, then full reverse in another direction the next day. You brain IS in a fog! This is very unhealthy for you. I send you positive energy that you may find your clarity.

[@susanq6398]

Same problem here. It’s getting worse with the narc’s age

[@pkerr3437]

OMG the filter scenario! This was my former life in my 25 yr marriage. Best thing ever was getting out, but years later I still have triggers.

[@sacredhearthealing502]

I've suffered anxiety and depression that became extremely debilitating. My Mother is a malicious and venomous narcissist. I'm 42 and just started realizing what was going on. As well as started healing and regaining my independence and life. Thank you for these videos, bless you 🙏

[@VoIPPortland]

The whole narcissist thing skyrocketed in 2007 with the advent of the smartphone and social media. Now everyone under 30 has to stare at their phone for validation during every waking hour. Hundreds of social media 'friends', constant selfies, just pathetic crap. A humble and kind person in today's world should be treasured.

[@carrie8541]

100% True. I wholeheartedly agree.

[@richardnuccio7304]

Spot on

[@krisluvsutube2684]

I agree with you, however, the worst covert I know is 67 and doesn't own a smartphone...

[@bezilliox]

I think there's a misconception about narcissism that it's about people who just like the way they look. It's definitely deeper than that and I'm sure it's been around for a long time.

[@piperpompompurin]

Bobbie Daniel I agree. Old ladies on Facebook spying on their grandkids so they can get information on the adult children and use it against them. Lots of narcissists don’t have technology. And it’s very old- it’s not new at all, we just call it out and see it now. That original comment is a little ignorant. Narcissism is not selfies. That’s what society thinks, so they miss that the pastors wife is controlling the church script, or that amazing father and Boy Scout leader is actually a raging narcissist abuser at home.

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

Seen all of this!!! I can spot a narcissist within the first few minutes I see them in most cases by the way they express themselves. There's a sort of phoniness about their communication style. There is a spiritual dimension that can be sensed but not seen by most people.

[@malcolmapplet4313]

Superficial Charm or charm offensive that's my huge tell. With a narc it's all rolled into a package, you notice one sign, then another sign then you're done. They're usually going to be well put together and have good physical appearance. So, right off the bat they get your attention. Then they have your attention and they're just a little bit over the top with the dramatics. I never even knew reading people was a thing, but what I know now, better late than never. Videos like this are saving lives.

[@koriribarsosio4174]

Yes! That spiritual dimension is so real! Dark and demonic

[@nancyalywahby2784]

@@koriribarsosio4174 yes I have had several tells about the spiritual side. It is scary to the core.

[@joolspools777]

Hi, is there anything else? I'm not sure I'd be able to spot one.

[@canadianlady777]

I am sooooo jealous of your ability to use your intuition around a narcissist..I married 2.....I was a nurse who could use my intuition there to save a woman and child in labour....Go figure

[@melissapannkuk6033]

I have felt in my own isolated world for 25 plus years. Thank you for shedding light on this for me. I watch countless videos from you. Thank you. I would LOVE to speak with you personally and share my unbelievable story with you. I do have a therapist but I would love to speak with you one day.

[@TheMandybug]

The covert narcissist I was married to could spend more time talking about himself and his life and yet still be so vague that I still had to try to piece together his story even after 17 years. I could never figure him out until I understood narcissism. I eventually figured out that the vagueness was on purpose, being the martyr (I can never do anything to please you), the time he acted angrily and said my infatuation of him had worn off like somehow he was offended that I wouldn't cooperate with worshipping him for all eternity. That seemed like such an odd thing to say at the time. I wanted to be honest and tell him I was never infatuated with him, that is just weird. The confusion was one of the biggest struggles I had. I spent years thinking it was me if only I could do better. The vulnerability that was used against me, is just sickening to think about now. They attack you where you most desire to be loving and helpful. It really is evil. I am so thankful for these videos, I continue to watch every single one of them and continue to learn and grow. Someday if God wills I hope to have another chance to have a healthy loving relationship with a good man and I want to be ready. If not I will be just fine and will continue to love those God puts in my life. Thanks, Dr. Carter. Tell Gus I said hi. Lol

[@danceandmore88]

A while ago, I had a bizarre experience with a covert narcissist. At that time, I didn't know he was one. He'd be almost oversharing about some aspects of his life, but he'd tell me only cleverly selected bits about the things that actually mattered. He was from a different country with very different social norms, so I thought his weird communication style was due to cultural differences. But in the end, I got tired of his twists and turns and ended the contact with him.

[@TheMandybug]

@@danceandmore88 Yes the talking and appearance of sharing and yet extreme vaguenes at the same time. Strange comments that don't seem to fit the story so that you are left guessing what the real story is. Its crazy making and it takes a lifetime with these people to ever piece their history together and even then they are still lying and covering up. Mine was literally living a double life that very few people even know about now. They move on and decieve a whole set of new friends.

[@joywebster2678]

When I first met him he told me in depth fascinating stories about his time operating freight trains. So much detail I wanted to scream. Now 2 yrs later I ask him a question about his train days, or a news item about trains, he won't talk about it, it's like it never happened. I am trying only to link into the man's past career interest, and get nothing. Ok, so as u say the rest of his story has been vague bits and pieces. Yet we are supposed to communicate? Let me out, he just attacks and gaslights. I pray for the opportunity to leave.

[@lyndahumble7887]

Thank you for opening my eyes ❤️

[@cherylhillskemper7564]

They'll hide your stuff, throw it away or give it to someone else, and tell you that you're crazy and you are always losing things.....and then you'll hear them bragging to someone else about what they did. My ex used to throw my purse away on purpose so I couldn't get to work and appointments on time. And then he would brag about it.

[@raelynnelrobinson1901]

OMGosh 😳 ..... that’s really evil!!! Blessings for a better life ! ❤️

[@knarf_on_a_bike]

Any personal information divulged will be used against you as a weapon. You can count on it. . .

[@gordanagorscak3334]

I'm so glad that I am aware of this madness.it took me awhile to realize something was wrong when each time I wanted to just have a shoulder to lean on and talk about a bad day or an incident that happened, I always ended up feeling as if I was complaining too much or I was the one that didn't know how to deal with situations. It got to the point where I would just not talk anymore. Long story short, I got rid of him. Thank you for the videos because I have been successful in finding myself again and understanding that my feelings are valid and I am actually normal ❤️

[@GodsChosenMekAmoR]

Yesssssss...good for you. Me too!

[@annabell7524]

Same here.

[@rachelskipworth9236]

That is my situation exactly! I've been married to my husband for 15 years and he has not once empathized with me for any situation I've spoken to him about. I think the hardest part for me is to finally understand that he will never be someone for me to confide in or to work through any problem. He always blames me or says something negative about me, never seeing my side of anything. I am deeply sad over this. I left him 5 years ago and was so happy but he talked me into coming home and here we are again. 😞.

[@GodsChosenMekAmoR]

@@rachelskipworth9236 I pray you are able to get closure on it. I'm just realizing the hurt of having to defend myself and the time of me venting turning into things about me after someone else has provoked, offended, or been nasty to me. The situation of how it made me feel is never addressed but how I should've handled or how my attitude is not good becomes the issue (in that moment of all moments) and you have to bottle that anger or hurt to deal with later as you protect yourself from your own husband that SHOULD have your back. It's a deep hurt that we say we can handle but really years of that messes with our mind and spirit. How can I be in a healthy relationship with someone who will run to hug or talk to my enemy or the person who hurt me. It's so sickening and evil. Start writing a list of the times he didn't validate you. I bet it will be many and use that as a tool to keep you from normalizing his lack of loyalty. He is prob disloyal in many other ways lacking integrity with you as well. This disorder is a hard one and being married is the topper. I'm in the middle too because I'm not going to initiate a divorce he would have to. Well at least that's what I feel convicted to do in this moment. I am not playing his games either and he wants me back so bad. I had to say when he said he misses me that really means in narc mind I miss using you for supply. It helps to keep me from falling deep in because I loved him and it's not normal for healthy people to have to be mean or standoffish to protect ourselves but it must be done. Stay strong🙏

[@gordanagorscak3334]

This character flaw is in so many people. It's so sad, I get it from friends, from coworkers.my social circle has become very small as I just don't feel close to anyone who cannot provide just a little bit of empathy or understanding.when it's that way and someone cannot validate how you feel, relationships tends to feel phony. As I have approached dating several times, I use this as a little test.I will Express something and I mean not to be like I'm complaining or being negative but just talk about something that has bothered me, and I look to see how they react to it. Surely enough, it is usually disregarded and or subject changed. Yep, I'll be single for life LOL

[@nettlespirit3667]

I was gaslighted into a psychological breakdown. Thank God narcissist don't do people who are ill. It was a blessing in disguise in a way. I am healing from narcsissitc abuse and complex PTSD. Gaslighting with cognitive dissonance is very difficult to heal. I have been healing for over a year and I still have intrusive thoughts that are cyclic. I feel frustrated, but trying to be patient with myself. It helps to understand what has happened to me. Working on Radical Acceptance. Thank you for ALL the education. Deeply appreciate your work to help us heal.

[@revpitty001]

I have wasted the last 5 years of my life walking around in circles thinking that I was the problem, NOW I have woken up to what I have been dealing with

[@Enkeltulipan]

Thank you from Stockholm! All that, I have experienced. Its a good help to hear all this again and again in different ways!

[@lornabrand3264]

get as much support as you can b strong and remember narc is crazy not u

[@ladennayoung2939]

Ugh he do this to me all the time. Everytime I would try to discuss things that hurt me. He always say I did this and that for this relationship, and you never focus on the good. Smh. Lord help me in Jesus name.

[@Kelly-kb6bk]

Trying to figure out all their mess is exhausting. Felt like I was losing my mind. No longer engage anymore. Thank you very enlightening.

[@whosyourmama5479]

Is it a coincidence that so many narcissists use the same language? So many stories shared that are exactly a mirror image of my own. Thank you Dr. C for keeping us sane.

[@AedanGUnit]

Catherine Heal not a coincidence! It’s like they read the same playbook with a variation now and then. They totally lack imagination and will go to the same scheme over and over and over again! Mind blowing insanity!

[@candiceo5805]

Oh yes if you find out one of your loved ones is sick well their family member all of the sudden has cancer and is dying. Oh and then 3 months later their family member doesn't have cancer after all.

[@GodsChosenMekAmoR]

@@candiceo5805 that is one too. Everything was compared or a competition. It was always an excuse.

[@candiceo5805]

@@GodsChosenMekAmoR Hi! IKR and who in their right mind makes a competition out of loved ones health issues? Well they aren't in their right mind so that explains that.

[@BrendaLee381]

They come from the same place..... hell....and have the same master... satan.

[@user-qv9nw1dq2f]

We have to trust ourselves first and whenever we feel confused or anxious, we must think why this might be the case. It is often a powerful sign that we are dealing with toxic - very often covert and dangerous.

[@actsfittolead]

Just had an epiphany - I will know that I am healed when I can watch one of your videos without getting angry and my stomach doesn't knot up. It might take awhile yet. Thank you for taking the mask off of narcissism so those of us who have been abused by them can start the process of healing and boundary setting. You are loved and treasured.

[@amypatton6730]

How do you get away from a narc when they are holding you hostage in their endless rambling conversations without making them mad? This is one of their favorite ways to get supply.

[@actsfittolead]

@@amypatton6730 There is no way to make them not mad. Fear is our biggest obstacle here. Walking away is the best thing you can do for yourself. My ex used to do this to me when I was in the car with him. So I comprehend.

[@oheyjennymay1699]

Never had anxiety, and didn’t find out I was suffering severely from it until I had my first panic attack. I thought I was having a heart attack on 75 in Dallas during rush hour and had to pull over with all four kids in the car. After a doctor visit the following day and my doctor telling me I was suffering from severe generalized anxiety, social anxiety, and what I experienced on the highway was a full blown panic attack. I found your channel that night. I’ve done well on anxiety medication thank goodness. It’s still very much there, but it’s becoming more manageable each month. Mine hits every single one of these marks in each video. It’s a nightmare I wouldn’t even wish upon a narcissist him/herself. The barring from confronting is awful. Using personal things against you later on is the usual punishment before it moves onto flexing financial control or jabs as a mother (we have children). It’s all so deep and once you learn all the techniques and tactics they implement, realizing the extent of the manipulation and control after years of being in a relationship with a narc makes you physically ill. Thank you for what you do. It’s a hard hole to crawl out of.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks for this, Jenny. Narcissists are known for robbing you of you. Best wishes as you move forward, and I'm glad you're with us on the SN channel. Dr. C

[@booradley9063]

I also never thought I had anxiety but I had a panic attack that landed me in the ER because I literally thought I was having a heart attack and almost felt like I would lose consciousness. It was alarming to say the least. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this as well. I'm currently divorcing my NH and we have 3 children. Part of me hopes he will discard me and vanish just so I don't have to endure his paranoid madness and abuse but part of me is also very heartbroken that my life goals and family ideals are all dashed by a selfish manipulator. Hugs to you 💜

[@susanparker9877]

Now that you understand what's going on, you can be less manipulated by the tactics. I thought I was having a heart attack one night, the pressure he put on me was so intense. He would not stop the calls and texts. I had to shut off my phone! I was up all night, so upset. The next morning one of my beautiful dogs died suddenly! He had not been sick! I truly believe my dear boy took my severe anxiety 'to heart', literally. I take his message to me seriously; beware, keep this man away from us. I am doing everything I can to make this happen, so that my sweet boy did not die in vain.

[@amybreunig1214]

Thank you for your videos. I never knew my mom was a narcissist. I thought she was my best friend. I had very high anxiety for so many years and my mom was the go to person.i have been away from my mom mostly for a year now. I'm off my anxiety medication and am relying on my own self. When I have to see my mom, I shake for a week. It is scary that I was under this control. My family has joined in with her gaslighting and making me feel like the perpetrator. I feel very alone and lonely but I am getting by without panic attacks and learning to care for my own needs. Thanks for your help.

[@mystivixen5038]

Being the scapegoat in a toxic family is the worst! The whole family is committed to the story that whatever goes wrong it is your fault. It is heinous abuse. Know this, if you can finally go no-contact, the narcissist will turn their rage onto the next victim. There can ultimately be some vindication if the narcissist's enablers start to see the wrath turned onto them. But also, they can continue to blame you even in your absence. Remember, it's not your fault! Take care of you, let them stew!

[@flamingoo3955]

Hi amy, I don't know whether or not you'll see this comment but anyway.. first of all I'm sorry for what you're going through, and I hope you're doing better now. Secondly, I'm in a pretty similar situation, I was wondering if you could share some tips that helped you lessen your anxiety?

[@amybreunig1214]

@@flamingoo3955 hello. I am sorry for your pain as well. I did a lot of research to help validate what was going on. Then I took steps to get help. I joined groups for anxiety so I could meet new people. One of the major thing I had to do is let go and grieve. This takes many attempts because when you feel a little better, you think you can go back, but you can't so you have to grieve all over again. I wish you joy and happiness in your new developing life...also learning to set boundaries and enforcing them or walking away when they are broken. No fighting, no defensiveness. Just honor yourself.

[@flamingoo3955]

@@amybreunig1214 Hi, it's nice to know i might not be the only one who (desperately) tries to validate my experience through the internet :,) It feels very painful, im currently grieving the "mom" and the "family" I have but at the same don't actually have. It often breaks my heart. I still live with them(I'm a bit young), but i often feel like I'm alone in the world.Thank you for your kind words, and for your advice. I wish you the best.

[@susanparker9877]

Very brave. Hold on tight.

[@sherryirwin3594]

This is all true I wish I had known all this years ago. I thought I was going nuts. My spouse can make me feel on the verge of mental breakdown

[@beth7437]

I feel ya. I have broken down in hysterical tears. Not anymore. Thanks to Dr. Carter

[@sherrim4067]

The power is in the " knowing" once you see them for what they are you will cry less. It's not you, trust me, on that.

[@tashiajohnson1169]

I have one of my own. Spent years trying to make him happy with no success. Finally had a nervous breakdown and had to go out on disability. Now he’s in charge of the money and says why would I ever leave he’s the golden goose and he saved us financially when I had to quit working and there is no way I’d make it on my own!! 😂😂😂 He also says everybody thinks I’m crazy and the cause of all our problems that even my family thinks so, lol!! What does he think.I’m not going to ask my family how they feel about me😳🤷‍♀️. I just shrug it all off now!!

[@larrytruelove7112]

Some narcissists make other people into narcissists.

[@ksize3147]

Making you look crazy is one of their favorite things to do. They do things to trigger you ( in private) and then when you react ( as they knew you would) their favorite phrase is "you're crazy" and then love to play the " victim card" to everyone else that will entertain them with how crazy you are. Can you believe you EVER fell for their shenanigans? Sharpen your discernment tools and do not be deliberately fooled again.

[@sclogse1]

You had me when you mentioned them asking questions about you to use later on. "Whad you pay for it?" it's kind of like them being in a parent mode. And you ask yourself, "Jeez, when they bought their car I didn't ask them what they paid for it."..... And watch out for the sneer. It comes for all kinds of reasons. Or if you say something witty extemporaneously, they all say, "Badda bump." They're minimizing you. They're constantly competing with you. Invite you to a big dinner and then ignore you. There's a certain sadism going on.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're onto it. Dr. C

[@krisluvsutube2684]

Or they will say something to embarrass you or get you riled up so that then they can justify their craziness. Yep, I'm learning. Stopped doing the dinners years ago.

[@meera2531]

Further whatever information you give them, they will deliberately tell some exaggerated figure etc to a family member, to make you look foolish for spending too much on whatever item or service it may be. And they'll do it on the phone so that you can hear and get upset and try to correct their understanding. So that you appear like an agitated, aggressive person to the other person.

[@rachelleswatt5176]

You met my ex??

[@createdfit6981]

My mom always asks me how much I pay for stuff. It makes me feel so uncomfortable. She one time asked if I got a raise anytime recently, then said right after, "your field doesn't really get raises." She's always asking how much I make. Narcs will make you feel low.

[@Sam48772]

The surveillance of me by a work narc felt like an invasion. It created anxious feelings for me.

[@starduseven]

thank you so much for this. I've finally realised that both of my parents are narcissists, my father being the overt one and my mother being the covert. As a gay son to a religious and homophonic family, I've come to realize that they will never accept me as I am, because they simply won't feel any empathy towards me and will only worry about the image other people have of them. It's time to move on with my life and stop craving for their acceptance and conditional love. My mother inflicts feelings of guilt in me, manipulating me to think that I'm leaving her alone with my dad when actually she has already neglected my feelings and showed no concern about how I feel emotionally abandoned and rejected by them whatsoever. I'm done with this shit.

[@carolmatthews1073]

Our mission in this life is to recover from co-dependency. That is the longing for acceptance and validation from people outside ourselves.. When we can do that then we are free. Not easy I will admit but possible, I promise you. Only then do we get to be in healthy relationships. That is what life is all about. Best wishes for you.

[@kidlifecrisis9927]

You commented a year ago but I want you to know that as someone with two narc parents, your words felt as they were mine. Feeling emotionally gaslighted and abandoned is what led me to be done in my 30s

[@G2thesecondpower]

You just nailed my husband to a T. Only, he can get nasty- sarcasm, insults or put downs "disguised" as jokes, etc. The invalidation when he stops confrontation or conversation over hurtful, frustrating, or inconsiderate behavior is also a bit stronger--im "too sensitive", "dramatic", "looking for problems", "looking for a fight," etc. Or I get told "you love to fight", "you love drama", "you're always making a big deal out of nothing" "Oh God here we go again", "you're just like your mother," "you need counseling" "you have anger management problems", "you're emotionally unstable" etc. Actually these are in order of escalation if I don't drop the subject and get increasingly frustrated. This is pretty much the script every time if I continue to engage so gee, I guess I'm a big dummy because it's only taken me 13 years to learn not to... The throwing things out example? Holy Cow that has happened so many times! I have never heard anyone bring this up before. He'll just decide we don't use something or need something anymore without consulting me, will take it to the dump and then when questioned will not give me any direct answers! For the longest time I could not figure out where one of our slow cookers went, it took weeks to finally figure out that he'd thrown it out! I watch these videos and many others like them to keep my sanity and to remind myself of what I'm dealing with. I'm grateful for your videos--they shine a great big Spotlight on to the truth.

[@sherrim4067]

Gillian I am so sorry you are going through this. My husband is similar too. The gas lighting is awful. I was told I don't help enough with the yardwork, when at the time I was actually picking up sticks out of the yard after a storm. Not only do they have blinders on, but they want to push buttons. I was helping and I help alot. They never see it.

[@AedanGUnit]

Gillian G you are NOT a big dummy! Quit thinking that way. They are just excellent actors who get lots of stage time. It’s not you-it’s them!

[@taralilarose1]

Omg! My Mom used to throw out books of mine and once she gave my frog collection away to a narc cousin of mine who never even thanked me! Disgusting.

[@oheyjennymay1699]

Gillian G mine will just straight up talk over me and continue to speak louder and louder until I stop talking. I can’t even get a sentence out if I confront or disagree with him on ANYTHING. He’s got everything figured out and he’s never wrong apparently and if I did everything his way I wouldn’t have any problems in life. I’m like, you are my problem. Literally my only problem. Anything else I could figure out. You are the problem! Can’t share anything you’re dealing with with him without getting a lecture and unsolicited professional course of action to deal with whatever I’m trying to just tell him about. 9/10 I wasn’t wanting advice, I’m just looking to have my feelings get acknowledged and just validated. Ahhhhh!!!

[@shawnadeyo]

Wow every single thing your narc says mine says too! It's crazy! All I want to do is fix our issues but he will absolutely refuse! He will just continue to say all them same things. He will also say that I'm just so hard headed. That I need to seek professional help. That I'm hearing things. He never said that. He never did that. I'm nuts. I need medication. All I ever do it's cause problems. It's the same "crazy making" over and over and over.

[@BeckyWill0892]

The covert narcissist that was in my life was very good at it. So glad I got away from it. This wasn’t even my husband, actually just a friend or so I thought...I opened up to her quite a bit before I knew what she was doing. I’m so glad I found your videos Dr C.

[@cymbolichuman433]

I learned from an early age to never trust anyone with your secrets.

[@michelecraig9658]

I would love you to talk about actual strategies to use when someone is gaslighting. I am noticing that THEIR anxiety predicts how much they try to create anxiety.

[@ANGELSVEN]

"Intermittent Reinforcement" - they keep you off guard...it's a way of control...entice you to reveal personal information in order to use it against you at a later date...I know a LOT of these types of people, unfortunately, and they all live in California. :D

[@emilygraham1153]

Gaslghting also includes stealing and hiding victim's belongings, items of clothing etc for a period of time (weeks or months)and then placing the "lost" item in a different spot/room etc - to make the victim question their memory, sanity. I caught a narc out for doing this to a third party who couldn't find something they'd placed in a spot the previous day. When it wasn't there next day, the victim said they couldn't understand. The covert narcissist said "you must have put it somewhere else" upon which I said very clearly that I had witnessed the person putting said item in said position inside a cabinet. Later that afternoon, it was rwturned to its rightful place - with no comment. The victim was thrilled to find and said they musn"t have looked "hard enough". Sheesh. These people are CREEPS, I mean WHERE do they learn to do this to others? Seriously.😑 Emily Liberty

[@johncorson6599]

Emily Graham great question Emily! I learned about that gaslighting trick while with the narc .. then in a moment of opportunity I did it with her phone (triangulation weapon) and saw the confusion that I had been feeling so often IN HER... I saw what was happening to me .. it was over forever within a month after that

[@barefootincactus]

Wow, I didn't know this. So much makes sense now.

[@TheMazinoz]

My younger sister would do this to me too when she was in primary school. At my father's funeral she made deprecating comments in her eulogy, it read like a resume. Even her husband spoke up in his defence. They have zero manners, empathy. Never mentioned all he had done to help her. She got a lot of things her way as she was "the baby" of the family. They are very sneaky and entitled, no consideration of others.

[@johncorson6599]

Quiche Lorraine perhaps that’s it. I don’t know however I felt awful doing it as it was so dastardly but the confusion and panic was clear as could be .. I had only read of it as I was studying narcissism while with a brilliant covert malignant narc .. scary smart person she was but my education on the disorder was due to my feeling like walking on eggshells and I stumbled upon the information ... and my experiment demonstrated its effectiveness without a doubt .. that ppl take pleasure in their methods of hurting ppl makes it perfectly clear to me that they lack virtual the same void of compassion or empathy as killers .. they just haven’t gone there yet likely due to fear of being caught not because they wouldn’t .. that’s how evil it is

[@johncorson6599]

Quiche Lorraine that is so true. That ex malignant narc that I unfortunately once loved had been married to a narc worse than her and their daughter had ODd on heroin at age 17 in their home ... her husband moved a gf of their daughter into their home a week after the death and bought her a car and throwing money at her all supposedly in his grief. I’m fairly certain he was having sex with her. So my narc ex gf whom I dated in college finally moved out and eventually contacted me because because she was considering suicide. Her ex husband was trying to make her believe it was her fault after she left... when I came back into her life after the hoovering she started triangulating and gaslighting me an incredible amount and I couldn’t take it ... so I think I figured out from Sam Vaknin (youtube) that she was an inverted narcissist .. one who enjoys being supply to a greater narcissist but also loves to to do narcissistic stuff to empaths and that was me ... the evil void of her ability to have any empathy for others was shown to me and even her cats knew something was wrong with her .. both would fight to be with me and one of them NEVER went to her EVER but loved being petted by me .. her cats were wonderful and I’m not even a cat lover I prefer dogs.. I left her and understood why her daughter was on heroin ... both her parents were full blown malignant narcs and she couldn’t get a proper emotional connection with them .. I suspect her father abused her earlier in her life but I do know he sexually abused his own wife as the things she told me blew me away and yet she told me that he loved her ... sick sick sick ... she was an alcoholic and taking antidepressants and was quite wealthy .. saw a shrink but only to get drugs as I saw zero self awareness and emotional growth since I first fell in love with her decades before in college .. the trauma bond I had for her had lasted that long as I always thought it was my fault I broke it off with her those years ago because I never felt good or safe in the relationship back then which was also filled with triangulation and all types of narc abuse that affected me deeply .. the trauma bond broke .. once and for all as I realized it was her disorder all along and not mine

[@HeavensLegendFarms]

Dr Les, this is the one. The one I wish I had heard years ago. 16 years to be exact. I had an I Q of one forty five and an interest in psychology. I still didn't recognise it. He gaslighted, he raged, he belittled me and berrated me. I now have very high blood pressure,, on a fixed income, I'm 72 and can't live on my income alone. Thank you for what you do, Thank you so much.....

[@amypatton6730]

I'm in the same spot. Living on a very small fixed income. I'm in the cage with the tiger. Yikes!

[@Bridgton1]

I can recognize one a hemisphere away now. Took me from the age of 16 yrs old. I’m 59.....

[@krisluvsutube2684]

I was feeling kinda bad for not learning this until my forties, however, I'm glad I have and its better late than never for sure!

[@clarekuehn4372]

They don't think it all through, every time. 😍 They can **sometimes** just flip flop emotionally, too; then when it's pointed out, they realize and lie to hide their shame, and turn cold or hot and forget the truth, having worked themselves into believing their own lies.

[@sclogse1]

The ultimate (comedic) Gaslighting: from the film, Divorce, American Style. Wife finds her husband in bed with another woman, guy gets up, girl gets up, they get dressed, never acknowledge the wife, finally they just walk out. The wife is standing there with this baffled look on her face.

[@hannak7861]

I have co-worker like that, always wondered what wrong with her, now I know. So charming, wants to know you, then uses your words to backstab you. Hard to have normal conversation, it’s all sarcasm, undermining you, scheming, plotting behind your back to make you look bad and winding people against each other, manipulates your feelings.

[@michaelharrison500]

My wife’s family is full of them Even her own kids and a sister They’ve done so much damage and continue to And they don’t give a rats I’ve never met a more nasty bunch of people in my life My wife now days has very little to do with them but they still keep causing issues The stories she has told me of what’s happened over the years is truly heartbreaking

[@taralilarose1]

Sounds like my family too!

[@daynasmith4059]

Sounds like my family too...they love to pull you into their drama and then blame the drama on you! No contact is best for me. No more head games ...but even when things are quiet I know they are plotting and planning some kind of evil. Sad.

[@michaelharrison500]

Dayna Smith I’m sorry you suffer with family like this too We have zero contact too mostly instigated by the dark side as I call them My wife has been very hurt by them over the years. Sadly having no Contact is best thing My wife raised 2 grandchildren for one child for over 16 years because mummy couldn’t do it (hmm) but went on to have several more children!! But when theses kids left here within a short time both have turned around a kicked my wife so hard and so hurt fully I guarantee someone got in their ear My gave up her life to help her own child and what thanks has she got. None This is only the tip of the iceberg sadly there’s mountains more crap caused by these “ people “ on the dark side

[@daynasmith4059]

@@michaelharrison500 it's so bad that good hearted people get done this way. God sees all and knows all and He keeps a perfect record of everything. I'm sure your wife has been a blessing to many ! I was always a happy person growing up and my family hated it. Narcissists don't like anyone to be happy. I do stay away from them now and don't trust anyone easily because of how I've been treated. I surround myself with my pets. They love unconditionally. May God bless you and your wife and much happiness to you both!!

[@michaelharrison500]

Dayna Smith thank you so much and god bless you too Must agree I’ve become very wary of people now My wife is very much damaged by these “people “ sadly She will be ok and doesn’t want any contact with the dark side

[@ninak8506]

I've lived with that for 38 years. For the first 30 I had no idea what I was going on. I thought iwas going crazy. Now I've discovered other women & financial devastation. But walking away & starting over is so hard. Trying to stay the course & move on.

[@1Hopeinhim]

I'm sorry for your pain. It's hard to read about your situation but I have confidence that each day will be a bit better than the one before. Peace and blessings.

[@JoannaVancouver]

A decade under a covert narcissist landlord and his gaslighting wife left me with severe anxiety. All the points made in this video I've experienced.

[@luvwings]

What is so scary is that you never know when they’ll gaslight next. They love to take you by surprise.

[@danceandmore88]

I just realized half of my family consists of covert narcissists...and I haven't been in touch with them for a while...I just thought they were difficult, mean people.

[@georgianelson3588]

My covert brother took a good amount of my inheritance money from me, It took me 4 years to find the courage to ask him about that money, he said he didn’t have any idea what I was talking about, He hasn’t spoken a word to me in almost 3years....Thankyou Dr. Les for helping me realize what “Narcissist “ meant. My Family is very sick. It wasn’t me all these years, I always felt like I never belonged.....My whole family was so fake, Ahhhhhhhhh, such wasted time, watching Dr. Les keeps me sane

[@johncorson6599]

Georgia Nelson so sorry .. my ex took one third of my inheritance thru the courts even though she got everything else

[@sinjinmonsoon9055]

My older sister stole my inheritance. She is a sociopath. Lied about everything. Sorry

[@BrendaBaBoom]

Georgia Nelson Your brother was probably RELIEVED on your 4 year “time out” while he spent most of the family money. Now he still doesn’t have to be ACCOUNTABLE because he’s aint talking either after 3 years.

[@darlenepaul2918]

Get a lawyer to handle things with your brother.

[@politicjunkee]

Get a lawyer and get what is rightfully yours. That way you can still have no contact and let your lawyer carry out your wishes from a legal perspective. Standing up for yourself with dignity and what is ethically and morally right needs no explanation from you, because you already live it.

[@mrs.conscious]

I needed to hear this! Being with this individual has taken it's toll on my mental health. So drastically that I've developed anxiety, depression, panic attacks, I'm no longer myself. He will never care for me and i know now

[@paisleyjane14]

The true lies. Thank you 🙏🏽. Took care of mum for few years and she was always giving away and donating my things. ‘Those are yours? ‘ 🙄. Over and over and over again. Never once did the thought perhaps before I throw this out I might check with the other person who lives here?’ No. Then you lose control! Ack!!! Bless you for your skills. Seeing my psychiatrist Monday. I have diagnosed my mum as covert , but I’ll leave it to my doctor. What I would say as is trust your instincts. When I looked back at the relationship, I realized that the gut feeling I had when she’d call was dread. There was no memory of safety , support, security, or acceptance. It’s not so hard to disconnect from someone who only inflicts pain on you. Now i just have to deal with the attempt to guilt me into returning for more abuse. Haha not going back no way

[@Elizabeth-yg2mg]

This is completely accurate from what I've seen in my 92 yo narcissist mother. I am sick of her bunk and happy to be gone. They do not change or improve at all.

[@krisluvsutube2684]

Isn't is amazing how many years of your life you feel robbed of? Yet she's 92 and holding. I'm thinking about ya.

[@Elizabeth-yg2mg]

@@krisluvsutube2684 Yep I am too naive and trusting. We must all be careful not to project our own good intentions onto them because it causes us to waste our lives. Thanks Kris.

[@mikebohemia1947]

I wasted so much time and energy on my narc mother. They never change. Took till my 50s to realise it. Thank God for psychology.

[@karmpuscookie]

Y m is the same - she is 84 and worse than ever.

[@dakeda2024]

They will waist ur life till ur grave .smh.

[@jcreole5222]

Thanks again Dr. Carter ☺ I remember a time when I did not have words to describe what the narcissists in my life were doing to me. You put in clear words the way so many empaths must be feeling about narcissists. It helps so much to be able to describe what is happening and to know it is a known set of predictable behaviors.

[@susanmunoz7688]

Amen to that! Life can be beautiful once again!

[@christinewagner1722]

Yes, agreed!! Me too! Knowledge is power, and brings mental clarity, peace and gives us options for our future direction in life!!

[@kinggifted5234]

Collecting data to use against you is really hurtful, and emotionally draining. It’s even more egregious when they double down by punishing you for ANYTHING you may do to manage the anxiety stemming from their actions. I’m praying for salvation because this is hell.

[@sidEGR]

Gas lighting is a great way to keep the supply confused and unhappy and easy to control. The constant punishment, guilt, walking on eggshells, conflict, and fear is so exhausting. I am a eighteen months separated from the Narc, and the calm joy and peaceful serenity is amazing. So grateful to have realized...I am not the crazy one!!!

[@RG80085]

Its really jarring how hot and cold they are. Plans made with enthusiasm one day are met with indifference the day of. I wish there was a way to identify this behavior quickly rather than wasting several months as their supply.

[@Bridgton1]

I have been in therapy forever. I never knew it wasn’t me.

[@meganmay4855]

Good luck with therapy! Videos like this help so much. Even well-intended good therapists are not really aware of how bad it really is from what you tell them. 3 years into therapy I showed my therapist videos of the way I was treated nearly daily. She didn't realize how bad it was from my telling her but was visibly shaken from just watching 8 minutes! She explained she got a much better picture of what had been happening from the videos.

[@heidiaguilar1257]

Yah, forget therapy. It is really bad when you are in it. They just don't get it. Don't waste your time.

[@Bridgton1]

Heidi Aguilar no, it’s important to clarify.....

[@meganmay4855]

@@Bridgton1 aside from EMDR therapy I get from my doctor for the trauma, I'm also benefiting from a domestic violence women's group weekly, and individual therapy with counselor there who has been really instrumental also helping me understand that this really was about my ex having a need for control and that it really was abuse. Videos like this one from Dr C are absolutely essential as well for not getting entangled and knowing how to disconnect when it happens in the future from others

[@izawaniek2568]

I feel anxiety when I think about many narcisistic people from my past and it is helping me to remain no contact with them. We must listen to ourselves and our bodies.

[@akaSheilaalien]

Also when you're trying to share your feelings about something or somebody else that has frustrated you that day and the Narc, instead of allowing you to confide in them like a normal person, says "Well, Kee, what do you want ME to do about it?"

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I don't, know...show some empathy? Dr. C

[@AwesomeEsque]

Kee McGee I completely understand. My ex loved to say things like, “Sounds like you want me to coddle you”; “I can’t/won’t be your therapist”; “If you can’t handle life, that’s your problem.” Eventually you just hold everything inside. Hope you’re doing alright. ❤️

[@susanq6398]

I used to get, can we just eat. You’re giving us (the royal us/we) a stomach ache. This was after listening to lengthy angry tirades about why this dish was out here and not there. One particular instance was when I was relating someone running into the back of my car on the way home from work that day. Zero self awareness with narcs

[@windysmith7367]

@@AwesomeEsque I heard that too. Couldn’t believe it.

[@t4705mb6]

6:17 Lies through omission. The government and main stream media are GREAT at this.

[@wk1810]

Happening on a grand scale right now with this ever changing narrative around covid19!!

[@lauracoussens6207]

I want everyone who has gone years or decades suffering under this treatment to not feel too bad. I took a Psych class in college 35 years ago and the topic of narcissism isn't even in the text book! You want to believe the one you love. You don't have the agenda to be constantly pulling the wool over their eyes so you don't try to remember every detail as you go through life...but they do!!! I got married to a man who became a worsening covert - grandiose - malignant narcissist in '95 and he got worse over the decades...much worse. Nothing physical, yet the increasing stresses and anxiety over the years took a huge toll on me physically to the point of clustering panic attacks. (It happened in the ER and in hindsight they should have gotten me off the bed and walked me around the building 20 times while singing songs...to get my mind off the fear that I might have been two minutes from being murdered.) It really is a whole different collection of perceptions / method of operating / doing life. If they could only learn to trust and perceive other's humanity, and get their joy from accepting and helping others instead of regretting having to help others and being denigrating, deceiving and controlling of others. If they could put themselves in someone else's shoes...then life would be so much better. If they could only see how unnecessary their tactics are to get what they really want. They are keeping their family at a distance by their abuse, thereby making it impossible to get the more meaningful love they desire and continuing the crazy cycle instead. Their perceptions are strongly skewed to the self (100% complete entitlement mindset...ponder that) and also to the negative and so their intentions are off base, premeditated, retaliatory and vengeful. (Vengeance is mine saith the Lord. Romans 12.) If they would only let us help them see a better way to do life. If they could only know and follow Jesus. (Knowledge and application.) It has helped me to understand their tactics better by continually asking what, where, when why and how, but especially "Why?", and then putting myself into their mindset. That and keeping my eyes open is how I am able to figure out if I have been deceived. One thing I read recently: There is no reality, only perception. Well, that may be but there is always TRUTH...God's honest truth.

[@OceanSound100]

That was a really good story, I mean how you made sense. "Vengeance is mine said the Lord." I said that back to him while praying as if .. well do it!! LOL

[@meganmay4855]

I definitely can see the pain you're in. It is really hard for us to take our Focus off of them and shift it back on to ourselves. But try shift your focus back to yourself maybe stretch, continue to listen to these videos, and be kind to yourself! For anxiety I listen to EMDR bilateral stimulation music on KZbin with headphones. It helps me sometimes when I cannot help myself with the anxiety.

[@laurenlochamybatson8159]

Laura Croussens, it seems as if you've written down exactly what I've been thinking the last few months. It's hard when you are pretty high in assertiveness trait. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. Not that I'm perfect and have never been dishoest, but if I say I want to resolve issues in a relationship and achieve the goal of creating a more healthy future, then that's what I mean. And then I look to find possible issues (current barriers) and I break those down into possible reasons-thank GOD for the internet!! I look for strategies I can implement to resolve the possible issues because I want to achieve the goal. From what I'm learning, it really shouldn't be hard. Mostly minor tweaks or adjustments to habits ingrained by family of origin or years of practicing the wrong things. He says he wants the same goal, but continues to sabotage any effort, plan, or progress that is made. I find myself asking ALL of the questions you've typed. It's cool with me if a person wants to live in constant state of drama and misery-to each his own. Just be man enough to admit that's what you want and stop pretending you want something else. For crying out loud, you (my person, not you, Laura) can get what you want-I can even help you get it-if you'll just be real about what it is you actually want. If it's constant drama and misery, I'll give you a divorce and set you up with a high-maintenance woman that will play these games better than I can.☺

[@user-ud2yt9cj7c]

I have been through the harassment you described including the blameshifted lies. The setups,the wholegaslighting lineup.I stepped away from it and I am still healing and recovering from affects of it.

[@BBFCCO733]

Their game is sickening. Especially when it deals with loved ones.

[@TallulahBelle3276]

Thank you so much for the work you do. 💝🌍💝

[@candicecamille79]

Yessss. I feel like I’m about to lose my ever lovin’ mind. I KNOW what he is and now he has all his NEW supply (the church) eating out of his hand. He’s seeing the pastor for counseling now. Joined life track and went to life group today for the first time. All because he found out last Friday that I’m divorcing him (found out by going thru my phone). Now all of a sudden all of this church stuff/counseling etc is taking place and he’s playing the victim. It’s quite frustrating to say the least.

[@donnabarden4494]

They do turn to religion, mine did but they soon get on Every body's nerves from being a nice person (fake) and get found out in the end because they can't keep the pretence up anymore, they start to crack and burn bridges every where they go too.

[@colleenshea2293]

Always one in the workplace making things miserable! And always one in the family causing problems! If you are a kind person with empathy you will be a target!

[@mistylee3540]

Yes!! I would hear the "true lies" EVERY DAY. It drove me insane! I knew he was lying and I had to ask the exact correct question to get to the truth. By the end, I felt like a CIA interrogator! I had to re-word my question, using at least 5 different angles to kind of trap him into telling the truth (which only happened occasionally despite my best efforts!) So exhausting 😩

[@jessicalittle1802]

This just happened this week. Out of the blue, he texted me telling me all he has done for me. I have been feeling torn bc he has done a lot for me, but there's a whole other side of negative too