The Stealth Toxicity Of A Covert Narcissist

[@fayefarrar]

I've noticed that whenever they give you a present, they make you pay for it. Not financially, but they feel then entitled to torture you beyond believe.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

In other words, there's always a hook

[@fayefarrar]

@@SurvivingNarcissism yes Like the trajan horse

[@strangemusic100]

I've had my gifts taken away, thrown out, hidden and given back and taken again... some have found their way back, some have not... it's been a strange ride...

[@alexcanfor-dumas1463]

@fayefarrar - Yep - lots of gifts and favours (that you didn't want) gives them the right to abuse you, in their minds.

[@caroleminke6116]

@@strangemusic100sort of like Gollum

[@carolentringer8836]

1. do not accept their flaws 2. automatic defensive responses 3. Critical 4. their good deeds have strings attached and want praise 5. deny having anger issues 6. give negative input, implying their superiority 7. minimize your problems or concerns 8. not good at keeping confidences 9. Personal disclosures are complaints about other people 10. They have to be “better than”. Image is everything. I’ll put my discomfort onto you.

[@caroleminke6116]

Actors. Period. Full stop plz

[@clintonnagy1662]

These people have the mindset of children but stuck in adult bodies. Narc quote: " I am an ADULT " confirms my point.

[@annmcgetrick243]

Thank you for the list

[@EasyRussianLessons]

It really spoke to me today. I only started seeing the full scope of toxicity when I walked away. They are SO conniving. You can't outdo them. They are inhuman.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it resonated!

[@nv_chino]

You know it

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I am not a landfill for my father's toxicity! I went no-contact, so he can't dump his dangerous crap on me!

[@mac-ju5ot]

Its a no win situation. My brother in law told me once dont rent head space to those who lie cheat steal or play head games

[@mintyfresh084]

Never a truer thing to say. Your brother-in-law is very smart 😊

[@mac-ju5ot]

​@@mintyfresh084 the old double bind....he was a manager .kept hundreds employed ..a very good man

[@mikebott6940]

"The only way to win is not to play."

[@melanieknowles7002]

Told the covert narc.... my cat knows more about deep sea diving than he knows how to be human for one minute. He left suddenly never to be seen or heard of again. Still have my cat. No regrets. One life. Live it.

[@nancymorris3286]

Well done! 😂

[@caroleminke6116]

Too close for comfort or mommy supply 😉

[@Dove-gx5gz]

🤣😂 I can just see your cat sitting beside you, researching deep sea diving & shaking his head at your narcissist saying "Nope. Don't even think about messin' with my mama." 😺

[@sophiafara5997]

@@melanieknowles7002 lol

[@susanbennetttellstales7998]

Brilliant.

[@beaumont898]

Beware of a covert narcissist. They are lethal especially if they are highly skilled at transferring the blame to the partner. My favorite gaslight phase from the narcissist I knew was " What did I do? " .

[@UnityLove-tj3qg]

What about them stealing and destroying your stuff in secret! Gaslighting big time. All I have ever done for this demon is good. I'm trying really hard to get out!

[@kathleenosullivan8601]

@@UnityLove-tj3qg I actually thought I had “cured” him from touching my stuff. NOPE! We were getting ready for new paint (which he has delayed AGAIN) & he put all of my stuff off the computer desk into a box. All of his stuff is still on the desk.

[@kathleenosullivan8601]

@@beaumont898 “I sit here doing nothing. I go to the gym almost everyday. What did I do to deserve this?” I want to scream “EVERYTHING!!!!!!”

[@leonasweny1525]

@@beaumont898 my favourite saying to my narc husband after I was able to expose him to everyone was , ( how the mighty have fallen ) he hated when I said that. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@johnnuaxon3]

Smile outside Hate inside

[@shar240]

Not only are they thinkin "I'm better," they show material items better. This competition thing kills me 😅😂

[@caroleminke6116]

Mommy

[@jacobssw9314]

@@shar240 material items means what in this context ?

[@shar240]

​@jacobssw9314 example: they mock your vehicle , only theirs is newer and better. I don't want to compete with this wet blanket. Like Dr. C said "whose ever in front of them gets their treatment " , it's nothing personal

[@cindyrobinson3882]

​@@shar240 You are so right. I had an SUV, one year newer than my ex bf SUV, but his was alot better than mine. His electronics, etc were alot better than in mine. Same brand SUV, etc, but I had a sunroof & he hated that he did not have a sunroof, even though his SUV had so many more advantages than mine. It was ridiculous!!

[@DovZeev]

What I couldn't wrap my mind around with my narcissist was how they could accuse any good deed of mine as being a way of maneuvering them or trying to gain something instead of just being good and kind. Then came the punishments which they always claimed were not punishments, but so obviously were. And when they finally see that you will not take it anymore they go totally nuclear and will do anything they can to ruin you.

[@hurricaneaquatics]

They're highly paranoid and think everyone is out to get them, even their spouses.

[@leannmcgee8535]

Well said. So true.

[@caroleminke6116]

Think mother

[@nightowl6260]

It may be classic projection of their own way of functioning. Also, they hate it when you are "good" or happy.

[@patriciakelly8296]

They tell others 'what happened', but subtly change the narrative giving a completely wrong impression. Really evil.

[@yukio_saito]

I hadn't heard of what a covert narcissist is. After I learned about it, I realized I'd been through this stealth toxicity and been surrounded by them. I still attract them, but it became easier to identify early red flags. 🏃💨🚩🚩

[@PantaRhei-wz5zn]

I believe there are simply more of these people with narcy traits than generally estimated (ie more than 5 or 10 pct of the population)... Otherwise i am doing strange things to attract them.. as i seem to meet them in a much larger numbers than that

[@PantaRhei-wz5zn]

As you suggested: The only thing we can do is be more careful with new people, take our time & learn to disengage at red flags.

[@shar240]

And don't make the mistake of reacting to them. That's what they want, is to upset and bother others.

[@caroleminke6116]

You’re not at fault! It’s a narcissistic culture that has become our new normal 💔

[@robinantonio8870]

​​@@PantaRhei-wz5znsame. I know far more narcs than normal people, and the " normal" people, if they are, are enablers of the narcs.

[@BaraSchmidt]

The experience I had with a Covert Narcissistic personality style was definitely the most jarring of them all. After being well out of any Narcissistic relationship for nearly a decade, along came the one you never see coming. I was able to recognize their game early on and got away quick. The biggest thing I remember is how they were a cold, wet, weighted blanket on the mood in any room and how exhausted I would feel after even a short visit with them. Thank goodness for TH, Dr C and GUS who understand the journey. That's why I'll be Staying Healthy!!

[@hurricaneaquatics]

Yes for sure, that's a killer. It's so strange because you can know they do it and it's coming, but even if you're prepared, it still exhausts you.

[@shar240]

That's funny you say that because their bully energy is a feeling of a wet blanket .

[@shar240]

​@hurricaneaquatics I'm a chess player, so I know their moves before they make them. And sure enough, they do just what I thought they'd do . 😅😂

[@caroleminke6116]

Plz 🤦‍♀️ pay attention to your energy 🤷‍♀️ your body CANNOT lie to you! It wants to survive, folks

[@BaraSchmidt]

@@caroleminke6116 I share your perspective on this exactly. We need to listen and hear that inner voice

[@KerriLynnBulger]

They will talk about you behind your back. Never tell them anything

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

True, they are data gatherers.

[@clintonnagy1662]

" I talked with my all friends and they agree with me. You handled that issue in the wrong way".

[@sv-yh3mq]

​@@clintonnagy1662oh yes- because they want to convince you, that their view on a subject is the " right" one, Opposed to your own view- which bothers and is a threat to them. They'll say, ( no joke ) "My mom says this and that about this", as if That's supposed to convince me, that what the narc wants, that their "mom" Says... because the narc doesn't want the person they are opposing to have their own view, own perspective. Or doesn't want who they are opposing to go to such & such a place or an activity/outting -and the narc threatens the other/ it is really toxic. It is bad. And creepy. And nobody wants it.

[@edwardhamm5535]

You are describing my brother, extreme passive agressive, who wants vengance on this world who has hurt him so much.

[@caroleminke6116]

My best guess is this devolves into psychopathy

[@Hatbox948]

My nex had all those traits. I don't think we ever had one single conversation where he didn't contradict me. They're just such difficult people.

[@shar240]

They have become less difficult because I know the symptoms of their emptiness. The grandiose self is so ridiculous. They can't take the " show off " stuff with them at the end of life.

[@caroleminke6116]

Toddler 🤦‍♀️ hope he went home to mother 🤷‍♀️ why do you want another mother’s toddler?!

[@cassiebennet4262]

It's maddening. They will cut off their nose to spite their face. They have to constantly disagree because it gives them a sense if superiority. If they don't feel superior they feel inferior/worthless. That's the black and white thinking.

[@UnityLove-tj3qg]

Sorry, but I think they're just pure evil

[@ExistentialErika]

I was thinking about this earlier. There was never any true to resolution the issues or concerns I brought up to my ex. Always dismissed or redirected to me and why I’m so sensitive or needy or greedy.

[@fred.k9875]

A Narcissist will never love you!

[@duromusabc]

Narcissists are demonic that way

[@tomasto3919]

Wunderbarr

[@Dr.DorisTorres]

yes 👍🏼

[@wanderer0617]

And they insist you owe them constant loving attention while abusive when you don't.

[@gsnail8189]

@@wanderer0617yea me too

[@elainie6784]

I didn't connect the dots that tension, frustration, anxiety and impatience were covert signs of anger. I've been in denial because there was no yelling. At least now I know the truth.Thank you Dr C.

[@caroleminke6116]

Coverts are worse 💔❤️‍🩹♥️

[@UnityLove-tj3qg]

Lucky. I get all that plus yelling! There's no end to evil sadistic mind games and bad false accusations and name calling. Now he's starting to lie about angel me to his family on the phone right in front of me. I've been doing everything I can to afford to leave and can't leave until I get a full time job in my 70s and pray I can afford rent. It's a nightmare being forced to live with an evil psychopath narc!

[@clintonnagy1662]

@elainie6784 I didn't connect the dots either. I was flattered that a beautiful, independent woman was in love with me. I usually attract TRASH for women. I was happy to attract a beautiful woman with a good job, good family, nice community, nice home, nice car, and friendly demeanor. I don't want to keep attracting damaged women after this. I guess they come in all forms. Good & bad. I miss alot about the relationship but it ruined my self esteem with the criticisms & mind games. I still question if my retaliation against her disrespect was justified? I'm mad at myself for my poor behavior because I know I'm capable of being a gentleman but didn't show that after being ridiculed.

[@lilithschwarzermond7342]

Yes, "scoring points". He was so helpful to everybody... nobody would think that he is a Narc. I fell for it in the beginning, too. Thanks Dr C. and Gus.

[@sophiafara5997]

Same

[@darinsmith2458]

I would say that growing up in a dysfunctional family that my journey has been that I tolerated the abuse for too long..

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

This was my issue, too. Thank-you for saying this.

[@bigm383]

Unfortunately they train or groom their children to, not only tolerate, but to completely normalise their bizarre behaviour.

[@darinsmith2458]

@@bigm383 Yup.. So then I get the awareness and then it is like.. What am I supposed to do with this?

[@bigm383]

@@darinsmith2458 I didn’t work any of this out until I was 60. Now I’m stuck managing the affairs of my demented covert narcissist mother. I wish that I’d woken up much earlier and moved interstate to get away from her.

[@Dove-gx5gz]

@darinsmith2458 Exactly. When you grow up in it, you are indoctrinated. So slowly you just learn to think this is how people function. It took me 50 years to extricate myself from the cult And I am not an ignorant person. The subtle mind control is unbelievable. I eventually saw something was wrong, but my research only identified overt narcissism & that didn't fit- so another 20 years until I learned about covert/malignant. Then all the pieces fell into place & I got out. Thank you Dr. C!!

[@butterflycomb]

Wow did i find out. The relationship started to gradually change after about 4 months. I noticed weird things, but coulnt put my finger on it. I found out by watching these videos i was being dehumanized. I was like what did i do wrong it must be me? I've been watching the videos for over 3 months now. Its not me its the narcissist.

[@caroleminke6116]

Get our ASAP! Go gray rock plz

[@JHavaJoe2-m1z]

They are insidious in flipping the script and "almost" making you believe them. I watched more than one go into panic mode and fire up the gaslight machine full throttle.What made it easier to clear 'em all out, was the knowledge, "They only get worse!"

[@Safia-i1b]

They feel entitled to your energy

[@ND-or5so]

@Safia-i1b Yes, as if we are their life source. They expect it!

[@Dr.DorisTorres]

Currently divorcing a covert narc of 28 years....the pity party never ends! 😩

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Stay strong 💪 You got this

[@kristirose2289]

Congratulations!

[@MarianneCatherine]

Good for you! 😊

[@heathermixson1265]

PREACH!!!

[@Dr.DorisTorres]

@@amandaliverpool3374 thank you, I will!!💪🏼 Been working on my courage for 10+ years. 🤦🏼‍♀️😆

[@monicaelyn2393]

Can't articulate how much I love Dr. Les getting into his dialogue and all of the sudden 'Gus' appears in front of Gus...love it!! 😭❤

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You might notice that Gus gets his own font.

[@caroleminke6116]

@@SurvivingNarcissismGus rules!

[@Dove-gx5gz]

I did notice that! Gus is Team Healthy's emotional support pup!

[@Peaches-i2i]

My mom is a covert narc while my father is overt. I used to feel so bad for her before but after a lot of recollection and observation I realized she was a narc too. It happened when we got on the topic of her letting my father beat me. And I told her I would just like to hear a sincere apology. She couldn't even say the words. And I noticed she could NEVER say I'm sorry for anything big or small. She always had to play victim and now it makes sense why she stuck around with him for so long. She also spent my entire life degrading my confidence, instilling doubt, pretty much just undermining any sense of masculinity or independence I developed then criticized my difficulty in getting anywhere in life.

[@AnirtakShenwoi]

I'm a girl, but this is my exact story. The only thing is, my covert narc mother would write me apologies that were little more than manipulation papers so that she could keep getting narcissistic supply from me. I'm sorry you had to grow up that way. It's crazy how much WORSE the covert parent is in the long run. My dad is a horrible person who I have been NC with for a decade, but looking closer, he's not as bad as she is considering he is more honest in his presentation.

[@julianterris]

*Covert* narcissists start assassinating your character *in the relationship* (preemptively) find your replacement, *then* discard you.

[@caroleminke6116]

Bad secondary mommy supply 🤦‍♀️ thank goodness they found another tit 🤷‍♀️

[@michaelgpartridge2384]

Indeed, brother, they cover their little tracks before they make them, like revolting cowards, god bless em

[@claireluckensmeyer7489]

I wish he would...I can survive that, but at least then I'd be free!

[@tylerlane1702]

My relationship with a covert narcissist began to fall apart when I finally started insisting that she claim responsibility when she was wrong. I had experienced way too many arguments where I would bend to her point of view or cave from exhaustion. When I would demand an apology or that she recognize her bad behavior the deflection began. I know now that when she saw that I wouldn't accept her behavior she began searching for a different victim. Things fell apart and she got married 2 months later.

[@ExistentialErika]

They never apologize unless it’s for something very benign. Their despicable behavior is always your fault. They will watch you break before they bend. It’s exhausting and a waste of time. Took me four years to figure it out.

[@aaronkwolfe]

Too much of a good thing isn’t good. Love is good, but when used as a bomb to bewilder and manipulate, it is toxic. I’ve had my motives questioned by people who know and love me. I appreciate them for that. Keep me honest. But to twist it into assigning a motive to me (assuming the worst possible one), that, too, is toxic. Listening to me to foster understanding is good. Listening to me to arm yourself with ways to tear me down, that is toxic.

[@stevegibbs7811]

Great analysis. Thanks

[@kristirose2289]

Been there!

[@gsnail8189]

Well, i was in the past allways quite loving. Very loving. I loved my gf deeply and truely. Gave her so much love and attention actually get nothing back…. 😂 i mean. Not much. She was jealous.. unfair… I had to break up with her. I had some angry responses to unfair treatments and unreasonable hypocrisy. I set very clear boundaries, she didnt really respect some at some point, so after 2,5 Or 3,5 years i showed her the door. There was no way of coming back so she was sad for a while… few months and came around now and than. After few months already found another one (typical women looking for replacements), But never got happy With him and still visiting me. The guy even beated her i believe (but forgot im Not sure) I have only smash-pushed her one time in the car as she was really disrespectful at that moment with my friends around as well. I went really angry but only ahort ofcourse. It wasnt very long after that that i broke up with her.

[@gsnail8189]

What i meant To say, i hope people Reading this stuff are very well aware of making the right conclusions and not be too fast. Anyone labeling me that way anyone that know Me would likely have a good laugh haha

[@Kadesbattleground]

Excellent comment thanks for the wisdom.

[@notesbynaq]

So spot on as usual. My narcissistic ex is by far, the most toxic individual I have ever known. I just wish I had recognized it sooner.

[@MusicsInMySoul_7]

...remember, you did get out and now know the signs..Best wishes to you

[@snowbear1877]

Nearly all my friendships and family relationships have been toxic. Same in the workplace. Something about me attracts this.

[@staysane7049]

@@snowbear1877 My life also, empaths are magnets to a Narcissist. Trusting my gut feeling 100pc when around these false selves, 🏃‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️ 🏃‍♂️ far away!

[@nataliegomez7743]

Same for me

[@kathleenosullivan8601]

I’m just about done with #2!!!!! Lord, please Give Me Strength!

[@danemartin5674]

A toast to Dr. Carter...... what a help.. thank you!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it was helpful!

[@evelynkummerle9947]

How often did I hear this "I am the good guy" during 30 years. All spot on!! Thank you!

[@barbarataylor5042]

Thanks for your videos I'm recovering from a narcissistic father. I found these during lockdown and have continued to view them. They ri g so true. I'm 77 now and found leaving home and gaining independence a slow & painful process. I didn't know myself. Another source of help was a poem we were given at teacher training college " If a child experiences criticism He learns to condemn... other negative aspects are similarly listed but the poem goes on to give positive attributes and their positive outcomes. Such a brilliant poem. Later I married and we went on to adopt 2 baby boys. We have been so fortunate that we have had positive outcomes in our lives. Thank you again for your work. It's so important that people have their lives & personalities restored to themselves.

[@rwdchannel2901]

Covert narcissists stay stealth through being shallow in a relationship. As long as covert narcissists are getting attention and admiration, they're feeling okay. When people start to mention their own accomplishments to covert narcissists, they'll get a passive aggressive response such as 'Oh, I don't care about that(translation: lets not get to know each other).' When covert narcissists find out other people's accomplishments, it drives them crazy because they're not getting narcissistic supply.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

This puts me I mind of smiling assassins. One example being that they can future fake a person into an event or get together that appears to be imminent when they actually have no intentions of even meeting up!

[@caroleminke6116]

Stay strong my friend 💔❤️‍🩹♥️

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@caroleminke6116 Thank-you and you ❤️💪❤️

[@sv-yh3mq]

@amandaliverpool3374 - Wow, you said it well! I "named" the person I had a run - in with, just as you described, as an "enemy- combatant". "frenemy" did not apply, and in my opinion, a frenemy is Not a friend.

[@sv-yh3mq]

@amandaliverpool3374- "smiling assassin's" is a good description.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

@@sv-yh3mq I'm glad this helped 🙏💖

[@tonymartos2922]

The first thing I ever saw that threw me off was the silent treatments. I didn’t know it at the time, but she was clearly grooming me to get used to her hot/cold dynamics that would be far more prevalent when our relationship evolved. Had I known then what I know now, I would have left then, far before such abuse left its mark on me. But of course I didn’t. It took a long time since that ended to really find myself again, and while it’s certainly a painful journey, it’s possible. Best to all who’ve gone through this too, happy thanksgiving!

[@ILive4Jesus]

Oh my gosh, yes, yes, yes! I can check every box! This is so freeing! Just because we’re related doesn’t mean we have to be connected. I’m finally free!

[@well_weathered]

If they didn't specialize in hoodwinking and making you and 'others' doubt your own judgement they wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

[@gsnail8189]

wow I think thats a very very good one….

[@christinesusianto1480]

💯

[@fayc1804]

Exactly!

[@djpvma]

My take on them hiding who they are, is that they can't keep up the charades, and eventually they don't care about maintaining their facade, because they're so gassed up on trying to hurt you, that they forget to stay careful to not let on to their true colors.

[@StarrLabell]

@djpvma They go into a deep rage when you see through their facade and their manipulation, lies, and gaslighting stops working. The extent of evil they're capable of is mind blowing.

[@susanbennetttellstales7998]

And I'd add to "minimising concerns" - what's worse is they couch this as reassurance.

[@zareththealchemist8982]

Followed by the ultimate attempt to gaslight you after all of the previous and now realized, effotts to devalue your concerns and ultimately devalue anything and everything you have to say: “Trust me.” Or, “I guarantee that’s not what’s going to happen,” even though you’ve called them out every time their “guarantees” failed and you’ve realized that the LAST THING you can do is trust them - they’re pathological liars, and default to lying immediately, even when there is absolutely no reason for them to lie in the first place. Just got rid of one after many years - absolutely just couldn’t take the BS and malignant toxicity any longer. Now I realized that between her and her mother, they drug B me through the dregs, drained my life of soul energy and draped me over a barrel and hung me out to dry, when I called them out on their toxic narcissism and they realized I couldn’t be “trusted” by them (easily manipulated) any longer, I had to be drug up on a hook and left to decay and die. Once they realize you no longer trust THEM you must be devalued and if another dupe comes along, discarded with zero regard for all of your efforts and energy. My heart is broken, but thanks to finding Dr Carter (& Gus) my mind is still intact. His depth of knowledge regarding these parasitic and vampiric personality disordered types is profound and he explains it all so succinctly and with understanding to us, the actual victims of the covert narcissists. Reading comments under these videos for the last few years, I see people use the words “wicked, evil, manipulative, self serving, demonic, vampiric, parasitic,” etc. After decades of dealing with all of this, I couldn’t agree more with all of those opinions - they are absolute monsters.

[@brucefriedman1]

Going stealth with aberrant behavior requires the ability to cleverly reverse engineer logic and reasoning in order to establish a presumption upon which a predetermined conclusion has been established. Example, "If you don't listen to me then you will be on your own." Inference: "You are destined to failure unless you listen to me."

[@caroleminke6116]

Gray rock teaches us self control 😉 respond don’t react

[@kathrynanderson6854]

My husband does yell and still tells me he has no anger issues. Then says it must be me that has anger

[@mattlehnardt783]

It keeps you wondering what the heck is off with this person? How come they don’t get it? Why can’t they wake up and get along? You think you’re going crazy so this video helps a ton.

[@fairliescott3073]

The covert narcissist (whose intentional actions led to my husband's death) once asked us if we wanted to know how he tortures the people who work under him when they don't get enough work done! Needless to say, we declined! That same day I took a short video of him showing me around his office set up including toys like a 3D printer and a flight simulator - he came across as a normal and very nice person - pure evil!

[@MeCynthiaAnn]

OOOOH DR. C.......... Just last month September was one year where I search toxic relationships and wow, wow, wow! My full entire life. Praise the Lord there's a Lord, and praise the Lord for your videos, because none of us at all makes sense. It started off with my covert, narcissist, pastor, father. I just wanna tell you thank you and I also want to reach out to others here to let you know that you were worth it and that you were valuable. Yes, once this is figure it out and it all then makes sense because now it has a name to it. It is shocking, shocking, shocking! This is not how we think so it's hard to comprehend. God bless each and everyone of you and please do know that Jesus cares, and he always will be there for you and he will guide you. Hugs from Cynthia Ann n JANESVILLE, WI

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Hi Cynthia. Thanks for your good words!

[@leonasweny1525]

Yes when your eyes are opened it all falls into place .

[@MeCynthiaAnn]

@ God bless you dear one, and there’s nothing impossible for the Lord God Almighty for sure.

[@exlesoes]

Their hater gene activates

[@Ratgirl2]

I went back reluctantly and same old game. I'm a rock for now. It's a twisted nightmare I'm changed forever planning my escape.

[@johnnuaxon3]

Covert narcissist = covert hate

[@caroleminke6116]

Fear/Rage/Envy

[@patriciafry8634]

I knew a sibling was spreading poison in our family, and also maneuvered financial events to his own benefit, and the detriment of others. But if I’d realized the depth and full nature of his depravity sooner, maybe I could have prevented or offset some of what he was doing (Dark Triad or Tetrad). Certainly a malignant N. I feel very badly about it.

[@sorayamoghadam620]

Dealing with this now 😢 good luck

[@patriciafry8634]

@@sorayamoghadam620 Not easy, since other family members can be slow to catch on- they don’t want to believe it. I have now gone very low contact.

[@llhannah9297]

​@@patriciafry8634 Im in the same situation. I actually did notice red flags but nobody listened. Theyre in way too deep now. I had to remove myself too.

[@sorayamoghadam620]

@@patriciafry8634 absolutely, and believe it or not, poison was also involved, along with financial abuse etc. I am working on removing myself (takes time since a family business is involved), and then i will low to NC with my whole immediate family, along with some extended family. Crazy stressful, yet at the same time, liberating to have my eyes wide open now :)

[@TruthandJustice-hz9nv]

This was pure gold DR Le's, Thank you so much for this, Speaks volumes,I see right through these two , Fist pump :-) It's complete bollocks, People that do good deeds humility, Then covertly humiliate and abuse others, All the hypocrisy, Beware of groups like this and leaders too , Eyes open :-) Peace, love and respect to you, Gus and everyone, All glory power, Praise and smiles to the most high :-)

[@slanjbo]

The list of defensive responses with my ex became so predictable I would answer her as she spoke the same words. Drove her nuts.

[@caroleminke6116]

It’s a defensive loop

[@pugnasilvia943]

Oh... that "victim pose", while they are always the aggressors is so hard to swallow. Because otherwise you are the bad one with no empathy, right? And here we are engaged in playing their script of manipulation trying to be nice, knowing so well that our kindness is thrash for them.

[@sv-yh3mq]

Great comment

[@jdk5379]

I wasn’t familiar with covert N’s and got involved with one. He let me go when I was no further use to him. I was stunned at being treated this way. Thank You Dr. C for helping me understand- never again. Cured me of any further relationships, I’m much happier being alone! 😊

[@MiyahSundermeyer]

I cut a covert narcissist out of my life earlier this year because she ignored my needs and treated me like a piece of trash before ghosting me for as year and a half. When she reached out, I put my foot down and told her no. One of the things that she told me was "I guess I was too busy taking care of myself but at no point have I considered myself to be a self-centered person." She also said "I hear you saying that I am an bad person and you don't like me anymore."

[@marijedubateau]

you are the clearest explainer of narcissism! I struggled with my parents for years, and you just make everything clear and understandable in a calm way wich helps to detach from it. Thank you!

[@mikeseitz2792]

Thank You Dr. C....good video!!

[@kellyswanson6934]

Covert narc is mom. I moved to a new state at age 61. Dad died 3 months later. I begged to go back and help bury him. She pretended no service; then secretly buried him and sent me a video. No remorse. She has betrayed me over and over but this was cruel!

[@maryp4579]

Sadly I wish I had learned about this sooner. I think my husband is one. He seems like a 'swell guy' to others, but at home chaos and drama occur for whatever reason I can't see coming - definitely there are anger issues. And I think the most distinctive quality that clenched it for me is his ability to garner sympathy. He can have an absolute pity party fest, and people will just feed him attention. And typically it is during some of these pity parties I believe he's framed me as the cause of his woes. And as you noted about being critical, he's very judgmental and everyone else is an idiot. That bit about being 'better than' - yes. I recall my husband fluidly saying, "I know you're not as successful as I am, but..." I heard nothing more. It actually makes me chuckle a bit, because there is no way I lay in bed nights wondering "Is he more successful?". I just know I would never consider saying this to anyone. Really what defines success? An ex-lawyer now blissfully a music teacher taught our daughter guitar. Anyway, thankfully if anything I'm no longer in a fog and confused about what is happening and if I'm to blame all the time. Now I just have to push forward somehow out of this marriage.

[@fayc1804]

4:23 They respond to EVERYthing and with a one-up or correction attitude. You weren't even talking to them! You can say you went to the grocery store and they gotta one-up you with their grocery store stories.

[@familychromebook1852]

Thank you as always, Dr. Carter. Hi Team Healthy! I hope everyone is doing well. 💗

[@bereal6590]

My mother is cold. At times almost reptilian. Dismissive and show near no emotions except anger disdain and contempt. The worst part is she expects me to be a damn mind reader of how she feels! Then one foot out of line and her nasty side comes out. Sick to death of how she reacts ALL THE TIME. It's taken decades to work out she has never, is never and will never be there for me emotionally and chasing after it is a waste of time.

[@sv-yh3mq]

@bereal6590- I ve had experiences with one who expected one to "read" their mind- and it's always a trap- because ( even if you're "good" at it) noone can "read" their mind- and they know it- and are poised to put harm, blame, shame, and F.O.G. on you- "fear, obligation, guilt" . Sometimes I have felt like I wanted to slap the crap out of this type, but didn't- Crazy- making is dangerous!

[@bereal6590]

@sv-yh3mq Never thought of it as being a trap, maybe you're right. Seems that by withholding direct communication and waiting for you to mess up, in their eyes, it is then so easy for them to lay blame at the other person's door and claim they're virtuous. It like they're always trying to catch you out in some kind of 'badness'.

[@dnk4559]

I divorced my ex husband only because he wanted to “live separate lives and only be married on paper”. He was a daily pot smoker and regular binge drinker who I could not rely on really ever. He also was a bully anytime he had a bad day at work. My narcissistic sister recently said the reason my granddaughter has such good parents is because my daughter chose someone like her father who was a good husband and father. She completely invalidates my lived experiences with my ex husband and has thrown her own sister under the bus. Thankfully my daughter married someone who is nothing like her father. He doesn’t just pretend to be a good husband and father when others are around to see it but actually is.

[@caroleminke6116]

Bless you ✨ Dr. Decency

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thank you.

[@Yukajoseph]

Wonderful video, A month ago, I ended a five-year relationship. I'm irritated because I can't see my life with anyone else. The love of my life chose to leave me, and I loved him so much that I can't stop thinking about him. I've done everything I can to get him back. Though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him, I can't help it. I'm not sure why I'm writing this, but I miss him a lot and can't stop thinking about him.

[@robinantonio8870]

Remind yourself of all the bad

[@tontay-wp6tm]

Put ur energy into something new, a project a hobby, this feeling is what he worked so hard to achieve…you’ll be amazed what door will open when u close the one he walked out of 😊

[@leonasweny1525]

Why would you want to walk back into a toxic environment and let someone treat you badly . Stand up walk away and shine brightly .

[@richardbarger7723]

P.s. your talks here are great therapy.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Pleased!!

[@jesstallfeather]

Before I really learned about narcissistic traits in people, Number 6 was the standout red flag from the workplace narcs I am dealing with that really got me thinking, "Hmmm... something is going on here that's not all that benevolent from this individual" (this is the sanitized version of what I really was thinking lol). After a while, this line of rhetoric really got on my nerves!! What a bunch of snobs, was my thinking. Now, thanks to Dr. C's educating me, I know exactly what's going on with them and it affects me so much less....still highly annoying though lol!

[@MusicsInMySoul_7]

Thank you so very much for these videos because they give me hope and strength while I'm "untangling the web," in which i found myself . I'm so very grateful 🙏

[@ilovecanines]

And how in the world do you work with someone like this? I understand this intellectually, but figuring out how to work with someone like this is an enigma! And the boss doesn't even see it! These people are master manipulators, way smarter than me!!

[@gjop-xm2xe]

My ex would rage and then say I’m not yelling😢

[@caroleminke6116]

Exactly

[@lishmahlishmah]

Same scenario here. Me: doing my tea, doing my own business, saying nothing... Listening to my angry mother complaining about everything. My fault, I break my silence and ask, "what's up? Are you ok?" My mother says, with very loud, angry and aggressive voice "I'm serene! My life is serene! You have problems! Not me! I don't have any problem!" [ more or less, this is the translation from Italian ]

[@SarahD-s4y]

Anger games indeed, they think im unaware of what they are doing but i pick up on everything and I've seen enough, im done.

[@AnonNPDHelpIt]

Thanks to Gus, and Dr. Carter. I am counting myself lucky - my eldest daughter is the one who pointed out to me what my wife might have been doing - and after 8 months of research I think she is right. Likely a covert/vulnerable narcissist - I am really curious if for some people who are borderline if raising children / trauma / social media can push them over the borderline into being a full blow narcissist. Thank you for these videos and I will keep watching - I am working on not arguing with her (last night when I asked her to turn off the light so we could sleep - her response was it was my fault because I 'trained' her this way - LOL) and the 2 kids in the house (both with therapists) and I talk and coordinate. Keep up the good work (I keep writing and deleting so I will just end it here).

[@SerenaWilling-c9f]

They never apologise at all for insults they give u , I get told I can’t take a joke I’m to sensitive x

[@kathleenosullivan8601]

I was told I had thin skin just yesterday. I’m too sensitive & I can’t take a joke. His jokes are NOT funny. Just hurtful.

[@trudismith9712]

What a week that was with your interview and videos, my dear Dr Carter. My head hurts, and my brain is buzzing. I can't condense it into a comment. Only one Q&A that bothers me. Perfectionism. I went through life dreaming and making my own decisions,always admiring perfectionism. I knew there was something wrong there, but what? I am full of nuggets of wisdom. Perfectionism is destroying things at the end. I have crown up with art from Alberto Giacometti. In an interview, his wife said that they had to take his work away not to be destroyed by him. And then Jean Tingiely.... Have a good weekend, and thank you for being there.

[@nightowl6260]

"Humble bragging" can also be a stealth tactic. It is making themselves the victim and at the same time aggrandizing their cruel behavior.

[@kathleenosullivan8601]

I’ve been with my 2nd husband for 22 years. I’ve been begging for new carpeting, furniture, & a new kitchen (in that order over the years, not all at once) for almost all of that time. The drapes are pre-1980, the carpeting circa 1990, same with the furniture….. & the kitchen is the original 1963 design with Harvest Gold appliances & yellow/orange linoleum. There’s even fabric in the shutters that matches the wallpaper ON THE CEILING!! This is all stuff from his 1st wife. I have now begun DEMANDING my own house. His solution? Sell it as is & buy a new house that’s already been updated. I’m so exhausted.

[@leonasweny1525]

He’s hoping that it will eventually come back into fashion. ( I know it’s not funny )

[@kathleenosullivan8601]

@ Hahaha! Hahaha! The funniest part is that every young adult who walks into my house LOVES the kitchen!!

[@fayc1804]

They can't show anger about this video because it would be an admission that they know it's all true about them. 😂

[@SewDiva5691]

Hi Dr C 🙋‍♀️…In case you have not had psychologist/author Dr. Julie Smith on your list of future guests, I would love to see her on your YT channel. Thank you in advance Dr C. I’m looking forward to your insights on this video topic. Thank you so much for all you do!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

We invited her on a while back but she declined.

[@lindabell2940]

Ok than, old professor Sam vuknin, hec never mind, my community rules, go team Healthy, bring your brother back Doctor Carter

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Good suggestion. Have a great weekend ❤

[@hurricaneaquatics]

​@@lindabell2940Nah, he won't be a guest unless someone strokes his ego. He's not nearly as smart as he thinks he is.

[@SewDiva5691]

@@amandaliverpool3374 you too Amanda sis💜

[@yellowbird5411]

Narcissists act like their on a torture rack to say anything nice about anyone. They will begrudgingly acknowledge something about someone else, however, it's often followed with "but." "Yeah, Jim does play a fair guitar, but he should get rid of the one he uses and get one that doesn't look like it's left over from a house fire."

[@sv-yh3mq]

@yellowbird5411, cuz they can rarely if never know the value of having a "beater" guitar...

[@djpvma]

Walking on eggshells in order to avoid conflict was one of the most aggravating things about the relationship for me. I was forever trying to appease the beast, and never doing what I needed and wanted to do for myself, it was all about her and making sure that things went her way, day after day, year after year. I feel I was held as a prisoner by her, and when she brought up marriage to her, I was like, "Get married? 😂 Ur kidding right?" Something along those lines, and that's when she started what I refer to as the "self destruct mode," where she was desperate to crucify me for my lack of allegiance to her and she would do anything to make sure my life was left empty and scarred. And by the self-destruct mode, I mean that even if it meant destroying herself in order to screw me over, she was gonna do it, and she did. She didn't care how it's gonna make her look in the long run, she didn't care the cost, she was dead-set on destroying me, my character, and how my own family saw me. But luckily the people that know me the most and best know that she was up to something, even though it took me revealing the truth to them, which was hurtful towards me that they believed that I would beat her or hurt her or harm any woman at all. You have no idea how ridiculously damaged I've been for a decade now after her projected trauma towards me and the kids. The kids aren't even mine, at least the first one isn't for sure, and I was made to believe that they are. She literally kept me inside the house without a car, and made me think that the whole thing was my idea. There's a lot more, but listening to you reminds me of what all happened, when I've basically blacked out everything that I could in order to protect myself from any more mental duress, because she was great at the proverbial "cattle prodding" following me around the house and down the street and never letting up for even one second just to make sure that I'm traumatized. She involved the cops and the court, and lied the whole time, and made me out to be the monster, and all just to hurt me, used the kids as pawns just to hurt me, everything was just to hurt me just because she couldn't have her way. And the only things that hurts about that is having to watch her do this to herself and to the kids. That's the most painful part about it. It's hard to not harbor resentment over everything she does. She even has people harass me for her, online stalks me, I can't make a public move without her wiping her backside with it. I wish I was joking.

[@Silenceisgolden-o9o]

😮

[@sv-yh3mq]

@djpvma- I read what you input, and I get what you describe, and can understand that what happened and what you went through was something that was a lot of heart-wrenching, mental, emotional, trauma-inducing intractably negative- experiences, that are such, that one can think, feel that noone could believe it. And that it was such, that it was her own undoing of herself, and she was trying to take you out, while she spiralled down her own failure- making. It is very damaging, and I can understand there are years since then, that the damage has laid raw wounds, scars- and painful memories. What I experienced with an npd- traited person, was 15 years ago, and the person has passed five years ago- and it was a former friend. It's difficult to process and get through, in my opinion- and that's a painful understatement.

[@fairliescott3073]

Dr. Carter, I'm now retired but can think of several narcissists that I've worked for and with. Also, I live in an apartment complex where the management, some staff and upper management exhibit narc behaviors. 'Makes living here very challenging. I think it would be valuable if you made videos about identifying and dealing with narcs in such situations. I lean toward no contact but I have VERY noisy neighbors (was told by a staff person that they no longer deal with noise complaints and the tenants might lie and say I was abusive if I tried to speak with them - that's happened in the past). I have some repair work that needs doing. Every request for assistance becomes very difficult/complicated. After living here for 25 years, I could 'write a book' about all this!

[@yomisma9114]

My mother in law. Can’t stand her. But all her children drink from her hand, poor victim. I hope they can see what she really is and help her reform herself before she goes.

[@PantaRhei-wz5zn]

The baffling variety would be a narc who can keep a good front for a longer strech of time: Like months, so you have already fallen into Trust with them. At that point, its much harder to process new evidence to the contrary.... Give me a silly or impulse narc over an intelligent, stealthy, patient machiavellian One

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Oh yes. They play the long game 😉

[@notaclue822]

That's for sure. You don't expect people to have such an extensive, elaborate front.

[@heathersteinhoff9540]

Thank you Dr. C and Gus!

[@MeCynthiaAnn]

Also, as long as the topic is about another covert or narcissist, or somebody else they could go on and on and on, and be your favorite cheerleader and supportive but if one tiny thing is about them oh my my hair comes the rage. So really they are faking the empathy and just trying to look like the hero when they are so-called listening to you. Hugs From Cynthia Ann

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Again...you're spot on!

[@MeCynthiaAnn]

@@SurvivingNarcissism smiles

[@PurpleStarseed444]

It's amazing how many work in the psychology profession.

[@merin797]

I texted him that after 20 months of deep research from three of the top experts in the field, I felt stronger for having done the work. Without naming “NPD”, I told him that “I know”. Simply, my message was vague enough, but clear enough. I never mentioned details. I don’t believe they aren’t bothered when they get caught out. I got sick of the utter disrespect, stonewalking, undeserved punishments and silences, gaslighting, silent rages and lack of affection. (Witholding for that matter). I don’t believe they are not bothered, and “untouchable”. And for all the ones who should follow after me, they will suffer the same I did. I don’t believe they ALL have other women, physically. Maybe in a chat room somewhere, or texting), but that’s just sad. And I don’t believe they don’t know what they are. And I don’t believe, they don’t know that WE know what they are. I don’t believe they don’t suffer when the best person they may have EVER had a good chance with, for a decent life walks away.

[@leonasweny1525]

They absolutely know what they are doing and feel they are entitled

[@MarleyLeMar]

It's alarming how easily you can get ensnared by a covert narcissist. Even professionals do, and they admit it. So, what to do once you're too deeply into it?

[@Dove-gx5gz]

RUN

[@MarleyLeMar]

@@Dove-gx5gz I agree, a friendship that slowly revealed itself, and I got some great how-to tips and accompaniment that made it a quick and clean ending. I’m curious what anybody else has learned from experience. I’m on a learning curve about friendships. Thanks!

[@Dove-gx5gz]

My experience has been not to gaslight myself out of identifying red flags. They are there for a reason- to keep you safe. Unfortunately I attract these people because of some of my own qualities. And because narcissism is seemingly everywhere now in all its forms. Someone else here said "the benefit of the doubt" is not your friend in these situations. Though that is my natural instinct, it's also what keeps me too long. I invariably realize afterwards that if I had just trusted myself I would have avoided a whole lot of pain. Rose colored glasses make red flags appear like a bouquet of flowers.

[@erlinavicente7411]

One question: should I be fearful of my losing my life with a Covert narcissist? I already am afraid, but should I fear for my life and my kids lives? He is already unpredictable, untrustworthy, and temperamental. He’s Lied and cheated a multitude of times already.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

If you're having to ask this question, it tells me you should listen to your gut and seek ways to have strong boundaries. By all means, make sure trusted advisors are in the know.

[@erlinavicente7411]

@ He is a smooth talker and has already managed to sway my best friends and my family into thinking that he is the nice guy. I’m already embarrassed 😞 it’s as if I’ve been gaslighted by the few people I know. My shame is that I stayed even after his 3rd time having an affair.

[@ACE-zo6st]

I knew about narcissism from growing up with a narcissistic sib and a complicated narcissistic parent. I didn't know about covert narcissism until a person who's a covert narcissist married into our family, and people had shared about themselves with her giving her a wealth of info to use against each of them. She's used her husband mercilessly. He's a good man and kind. Now she has a rare progressive illness that will progress over the next 4-5 years to death, requiring more and more physical assistance every day. She is lucky he's such a good man, and he will stay and do all the things she increasingly needs.

[@gazoo7411]

Yes, they are all that and a lot more. I know several of these people, and I am very careful around them...............

[@leslieg8176]

These attitudes are basically the norm now days. We are living in evil times

[@Grateful4life4time]

Thank you, helpful 🙏

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it was helpful!

[@gilcharron5319]

Thank you!

[@RandomAnonymousChick]

There's literally No Right Answer: what you do , say, eat, lifestyle choices can be so benign and if you marinate in their legion's toxicity long enough you WILL become one with the Borg , you will assimilate.

[@RandomAnonymousChick]

@@SandraII-in9sl Bless You! 😂🎯🤯💯🧡

[@RM-qq5rj]

Nope, I refused, i grew up 18yrs in a horrible malignant covert narcissistic household and I did not assimilate! Then I got a job with a covert grandiose narc boss. Nope, still won't join the Borg. Data does not assimilate ;) that's why they don't like me...Data is incapable of assimilating.

[@RM-qq5rj]

Nope, I resisted, i grew up 18yrs in a horrible malignant covert narcissistic household and I did not assimilate! Then I got a job with a covert grandiose narc boss. Nope, still won't join the Borg. Data does not assimilate ;) that's why they don't like me...Data is incapable of assimilating with them.

[@RandomAnonymousChick]

@@RM-qq5rj Good on you, I'm proud of you 🧡💯

[@stephj9673]

I knew something was wrong when my mother was competing against me instead of bonding with me. She hated me so much because I was getting more attention than her. I mean, babies and small children usually get more attention than adults. Anytime I got attention. She would get in the middle and start taking charge of the conversation and tell them that I was a spoiled, rotten brat! Especially when it came to my father. And there’s a list of a lot more things from her. I have CPTSD and I’m trying to heal from that. she would pretend that everything was great and then when I was alone with her, she took her mask off. Her favorite saying was it’s all in my mind. Not saying this is for everybody… But for me, I’m in no contact with her and it was the best thing I’ve ever done! Breaking the chains!

[@2Snakes]

Brilliant. Thank you.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad you liked it!

[@annemariegodden]

Bless you and thank you, Dr C.

[@duromusabc]

Lots of virtue signaling to advertise and market their goodness

[@melodybucker3803]

#1. Check!! #2 check

[@Corinna_Schuett_GER]

Hi again Dr C, may I make you a compliment today this GREEN shirt is such a pleasant color with your eyes, suits you VERY VERY well! 😀👍👍

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Corinna...green is my favorite color!

[@lynnschaeferle-zh4go]

Faults? What I did was because you… It wasn’t them, they’re perfect. Thanks for talking about this; you’re spot on. Good dead’s make them look great. That’s a good way to motivate them to do the right thing.

[@fayc1804]

I worked at a particular location of a company that we labeled narcissistic. It was so bad that we quit in our minds every day. Yet, it was so good that it was hard to leave. 50/50. Thin line. 🙃😑

[@patriciamulyanga680]

Thanks so much for this information . I have