UNVEILING THE MIND GAMES OF GHOSTING DUE TO TOXIC FAMILY & RELATIONSHIP TIES

[@beejalpatel7211]

if people don't appreciate your presence.... let them experience your absence.

[@CharlesBukowski-m1o]

This is great because I love how you cover both sides of the issue here. On one hand, after a few too many accidents and disrespect, I or anyone else can cut someone off without warning. On the other hand, when things are seeming normal, and I'm not talking about dating here, but friendships etc, and you're getting that cold shoulder or calls not being returned, etc--it's time to stand up like a man (or a woman if you're a female)--and ACCEPT that they did a cowardly ghosting to you and just move on. Don't forget...... Unless they said you did something wrong, you owe them nothing and they probably should not have any space to return into your life again. (Just my humble opinion)

[@luminouskaleidoscope73]

Someone did this to me, completely out of the blue. When I ran into ex-friend whilst in a bookshop, I did actually ask her how she was, but she very pointedly didn't ask me how I was. She just said nothing. I was so shocked by that that I asked outright if and how I had upset her. She point-blank denied that I had and tried to then proceed to ignore me as if I was a random stranger - and she had no idea why I was even trying to talk to her. I then said "I always thought that we had gotten on well" because I couldn't bring myself to say: "But we were friends for 5 years". She acted like she didn't know what I was talking about and as if I had imagined the whole thing. Complete gaslighting. I then said: "Look, I have thought about this very often and for a long time - what did I do?" Reply: "Nothing". At that point I just decided to leave it alone. I was always kind and supportive of this person, whilst respecting her boundaries at all times. Now that I think about it though, the support was always a bit lopsided because she was going through something at the time. At the end, she was very inconsiderate about something I was dealing with - and she ghosted me straight after that. It would have been so much better to just talk about it at the time. I was upset with her, but not enough to never speak to her again and not resolve it somehow. Not after 5 years of really getting on well with someone. But I never got the chance because she ghosted me before we could ever address and resolve it. I would have never thrown years of friendship away over a small disagreement, or misunderstanding. It just makes no sense to me. Now I have her blocked on everything. Just this chance meeting really made me feel completely out of sorts for more than a day. When it happened I also spent way too long ruminating about it, but it just isn't worth it. It's completely unforgivable in my book. If you did want to distance yourself from someone, you can do it kindly by saying that you have a lot going on, and that you're dealing with a lot, are busy with new things, whatever. You can achieve the same outcome this way, and leave the door open, but never get round to it. Doing something like this is intended to hurt/punish for no good reason.

[@CharlesBukowski-m1o]

19:00-20:30 The difference between healthy NO CONTACT and belligerent ghosting. I totally agree and I've been in both places. Thank you!

[@kimmathe6701]

Ghosting is similar to shunning. It feels like emotional and psychological abuse. Abusers, intentionally ghost and its a powerplay.

[@TheRetroWoman80]

Dr. Tamara you're such a real one to hold the mirror up to us, in a loving way. I've ghosted before and I have been ghosted. If I'm completely honest for my side, I did it for different reasons (not always rational or mature) while in constant self development during certain seasons of my life. Nowadays, no contact for self preservation and peace is what I opt for when I encounter toxic beings. Furthermore, I'm no longer fazed when and if people fade from me. I am in that low-investment space you mentioned in the video. Lastly, I'm really proud of myself from where I stand now (particularly with my fiance) in choosing communication as the BEST choice when conflict/confusion arises.

[@mazermajestic]

Your video about female sociopaths came up in a discussion in regards to relational aggression. Now I'm here and it is an appropriate topic unfortunately.

[@jakobwatts581]

I get ghosted all the time. I’m used to it, and thankful they did me the favor of eliminating themselves from my life.

[@Smartbeautifulawesome]

Safety concerns yes especially women being abused or threatened makes sense

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

It does, yes! This is a scenario where leaving and saying absolutely nothing about it makes more sense.

[@dha2464]

I think some people ghost because they're tired of a behavior in the other person. Maybe the person isn't someone you can easily confront about their rude behavior. Ghosting is easier than continuously arguing with a nasty, difficult relative or friend. I'm sorry, I agree with ghosting sometimes, and some people wear out their welcome in other people's lives. Especially if they're rude and disrespectful all the time.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

There are certainly times when this "method" has to be used -- especially in situations where you will get absolutely nowhere talking or trying to be mature about things. Other times, the behavior itself is very rude and demeaning. I do agree with your comment below and the research supports this as well: "I think some people ghost because they're tired of a behavior in the other person. Maybe the person isn't someone you can easily confront about their rude behavior."

[@Lyrielonwind]

Blocking toxic people and going no contact is not ghosting. Ghosting is when everything seems to be ok and without any reason or closure or a conversation someone disappear so the person ghosted feel devaluated, confused, guilty, etc. Going no contact is not revenge, it's self preservation.

[@TheRetroWoman80]

💯

[@dha2464]

@@TherapistTamaraHill I appreciate your feedback on my comment. I truly enjoy your channel ☺️

[@dha2464]

@@Lyrielonwind True, thank you for your insight.

[@Candlelight777]

The holy ghost will stick around. Remember that connections need to be put to and end.

[@qcspeakstruth]

Hi Tamara I am catching the replay . Great commentary on this subject because this happens a lot these days

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Hi there! Thank you! Glad this is helpful. I see this behavior A LOT in today's society and it's quite sad.

[@qcspeakstruth]

@@TherapistTamaraHill ♥️

[@JKDVIPER]

This one was a blowout. ❤you covered a lot of dynamics. 😌🙏💯

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Yes it was! There is a lot here! Glad this was helpful.

[@RhondaLange-w5j]

Passive aggressive

[@andron967]

It's a big problem especially in ego driven families and groups. Cutting someone off from the group is often a major power play. It's probably an act close to violence. My biological family had It's toxic challenges. I see the narcissist tendencies woven all through every aspect of our human race. Religion, politics families etc, etc. I'm also struggling to overcome my own behaviors and habits. I don't believe I have enough strength to point my finger into all the toxic behaviors in others. My finger is a good one but even it is getting tired. I need my strength for my own healing and growth. But maybe I just wasted my energy making a statement that puts forward a grandiose false image. I'll know that answer in the future. But the "now " is really frustrating.

[@fairygurl9269]

VARIETY❤

[@truth4utoda]

❤this was❤so good lovely. Thank you. Thank you.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're so welcome! And thank you! Glad this was helpful to you.

[@faith8640]

I was raised by a narc for that reason i normally feel happy and peaceful whenever am alone.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I completely understand that. Being in an environment with someone who constantly steals energy from you can make you this way!

[@Smartbeautifulawesome]

People probably don’t even know…good insights and observations

[@Becca-k4h]

My MIL and daughter both ghosted me when I got cancer. It deeply hurt me, but I’ve had to continue living my life. Neither apologized.

[@RhondaLange-w5j]

Very hurtful to be ghosted.

[@CamGoesCamping]

Thank you again for a great live Támara! I hope you don't mind me asking but do you have any videos (that you can think of) that address family events i.e. weddings, reunions and low/no contact interactions? I know we will be having a family event in the near future and was just curious for some tips. I have found a few on KZbin but not as many as I thought I would. Thank you!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome!! And thank you. Glad this was helpful. I don't have any videos or chats that references family events, gatherings, etc. I do have a few videos on dealing with family over the holiday. I will add this to my list of chat topics for the remainder of the year! Stay tuned!

[@CamGoesCamping]

@@TherapistTamaraHill I didn't even think about those! Thank you! I will check them out!

[@Smartbeautifulawesome]

Sad…that is very strange too

[@CharlesBukowski-m1o]

I don't care if it's romance, friends, or family--if someone doesn't return your calls as much as vice versa to a point of it being uncomfortable, you might want to consider that you've got a raw deal that you might want to leave behind. That's my answer or my personal answer to your question of "WHAT I consider to be a situation worth ghosting on or being too uncomfortable with?" There's a certain point where someone is rude just enough to where you can just say, I've had enough and I don't have to explain a damn thing!

[@CherylPalmer-ni9fi]

I stopped talking to a new love due to the trauma of getting over unknowingly dated a narcissist. I was terrified of telling the person anything due to my X used everything against me. I was in such a fog and didn’t understand what was going on with me. I didn’t even know what to do. I was terrified

[@chynadoll77cyn59]

I can relate to your experience, I just stop talking to narcissists . However I think he’s was a psychopath I never ever experienced anything like this. When I first met him I kind of felt something wasn’t right I kept getting red flags. However, I looked over the red flags so that’s the part I have to hold myself accountable for . Being that I research narcissistic behavior and traits. I kind of knew something wasn’t right. So much went on. I can’t even explain. However i’m in the processing restarting my healing journey . My point for me saying this is that until my healing is complete I will not date again because I don’t want to ghost anyone. I don’t wanna hurt anyone until my journey is over.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I understand @CherylPalmer-ni9fi. The other person may not have understood, however. But a lot of people can relate. This is certainly something to work through in the future, if it ever happens again. "Exposure therapy" done wisely with this fear and the anxiety can do wonders for some people to help them get out of avoidance and intense fear.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

@chynadoll77cyn59 so many can relate. I think you are wise for healing before a new encounter romantically.

[@erickamre1]

What preventative action can you take to protect your heart?

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

This is a good question that requires closer inspection and maybe an entire chat. In some ways, you can't protect yourself because the behavior is common in most people and there are sometimes no red flags. However, I find that most people who have experienced ghosting (or disappearance without knowing what is going on) aren't sure what led up to the disappearance and how to see life after. It's often best to recount what happened and look for signs/red flags you may have missed along the way. Keep those signs and red flags in mind as you engage in future relationships. Another way to protect yourself is to do some research on the "psychological profile" of ghosters and what they tend to do or look like -- similar to what this chat consisted of. If you are with someone who doesn't seem to operate with morals and ethics and doesn't care about how others feel, that is a clear sign something is off.

[@halfthebattleknowingis4862]

Your Time Is Of Tremendous Value. Really! I want to make a suggestion. Would you consider constructing a segment highlighting the socio psychological effect of mass media?? Is that too broad of a topic?? Maybe it's too heavy of a topic?? Maybe you can narrow it down a bit. Just asking. I think that would generate a lot of engagement as we all have to deal with the media (social media) and need advice on how to cope with it. Maybe you have a live segment about this topic that you can direct me to. Thanks.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you! I'm glad these chats are helpful and engaging. I can certainly add that to the list. Someone just requested a topic too, so I will add yours.

[@halfthebattleknowingis4862]

@@TherapistTamaraHill Maybe moral diffusion or cognitive dissonance.

[@LoonyYunie]

So if you're going no contact for your mental health but don't give them an explanation why, is that still considered toxic/ghosting?

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

No, not at all. Going no-contact doesn't mean you have to let anyone know what you are doing. You are separating to figure things out. You can let the other person know what you are doing if you want to sustain the relationship, re-turn to the relationship at a later time, or do not want to burn bridges. If you will lose more than win by sharing what you are doing, then you have to leave and say nothing.

[@dennisrobinson8008]

Just replace with someone who sees you in a good light.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

And...someone who respects you enough to talk to you and end things correctly if it must be ended. But I did not mention this in the chat but should have which is being a good listener and respectfully ending something requires both parties to be mature.

[@fifilafleur5555]

Both of my narcissistic parents have blocked me because I stand up to them and speak the truth. My mother doesn’t care about me at all (even though I have been terminally ill). She abandoned me as a baby and has continued to abandon me throughout my life whenever I have questioned her about anything she refuses to acknowledge. My dad is just plain mean and cruel. He will cut me off anytime I stand up to him and state facts. He has given me the silent treatment for literally months at a time. Are these examples considered forms of ghosting??? I will never hear from my deadbeat mother again… and my dad will reappear and hoover when he’s good and ready. I am so tired of these toxic sick individuals for parents.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm sorry to hear this. Because I don't have all of the details and I'm not aware of the dynamic here, I can't give you a 100% fullproof answer. But I can say that coming in and out of your life whenever is not something I would regard as ghosting. He's going no-contact when he gets ready and it sounds like he is feeling in control of things by doing what he does. He's controlling the exposure to you in the relationship. Remember, ghosting is methodical and planned out for whatever reason. Disappearance from your life without explanation is the most important thing to remember.

[@Lyrielonwind]

That's the discard phase in the cicle of narcissistic abuse, not ghosting. Btw, ghosting, discard, etc, feels terrible but it's a blessing in disguise only it takes time to understand that rejection is God's protection.

[@illuriaa]

I truly love this video ❤ I want to try this method in the future. However I know that I'll definitely feel guilty about it but i have to since i can't have a mature conversation with my toxic relatives. Especially considering i wasn't compatible with them anyway, i definitely feel that ghosting is a mature way of leaving rather than engaging with someone who won't try to see how their behavior has affected you.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm glad this was helpful. And yes, I see your point. I would say "no contact" is a mature step to take when someone isn't willing or cannot see how their behaviors are impacting another person. Ghosting implies cruelty and intention. No-contact implies you made an intentional decision to end things for the good.

[@illuriaa]

@@TherapistTamaraHill yes ofcourse. No-contact is my approach since having a mature conversation with them is pointless and draining.