Can we choose to fall out of love? | Dessa

What's the best way to get over heartbreak? Rapper and writer Dessa came up with an unconventional approach after a chance viewing of Helen Fisher's TED Talk about the brains of the lovestruck. In a wryly funny talk, she describes how she worked with a neuroscientist to try to get her brain to fall out of love with her ex -- and shares wisdom about romance that she gained along the way.
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[@smadak]

Man, I wish we all had access to a team of neuroscientists to help us fall out of love. Sounds a lot easier than years of therapy.

[@sasacademy3099]

Did you think this before fallen in love....?

[@wormemc]

You can do it on your own. We are responsible for our own lives. I'm doing it now and you can too.

[@smadak]

@Liflow lol yes, I've done it before. It's hard work! Luckily now not in a place where I need to.

[@WoW12889]

@@smadak stay blessed my prayers are with you

[@Newuxtreme]

Just go on a self introspective Psilocybin therapy session and you'll be able to help your own self out.

[@olyrhys8724]

This is a proper TED talk - genuinely interesting and thought provoking, presented by someone who knows how to tell a tale and hold a crowd. Thanks for this one - enjoyed and appreciated it

[@mwate8764]

She is extremely good and captivating

[@ananas_uz2755]

Yeah, she has great skills

[@Impossible033]

This woman has inspired me so much, her music and overall existence has made me a better person.

[@davvidker4796]

One of the best TED talks I have ever enjoyed. Just brilliantly delivered. So cool.

[@osse1n]

Unfortunately, the modern notion of love has become symbolic of possession. True love is an unconditional state of mind, without any selfish agenda.

[@julianjarvis9113]

Very true brotha. Soon it'll be a thing in the past as we become more technologically inclined.

[@els7002]

So true

[@danieln6356]

Growing up our heroes in and even villians fell in love. Now its practically unheard of if there's a clear hero at all. Its sad and I believe intentionally done.

[@julianjarvis9113]

@@danieln6356 Divide and Conquer. Things are meant to be used are loved. An the things that are meant to be loved, are used.

[@andybaldman]

I own my bitches.

[@neogery]

I wonder where my brain will light up while thinking about my dog... I wuff him so much! hahaha

[@jessew6437]

Bet he wuffs you more

[@neogery]

@@jessew6437 thanks for that comment!!!

[@Psilocybism]

There's actually a study about that, apparently with women, love is all more or less on the same level, love for your friend, partner, child or pet all appears to be the overlapping. Men however, experience love differently. Where women have a gradient love that overlaps mostly. Man have more structured love. Kind of neat stripes next to each other. The difference of a gradient and neat rainbow. English isn't my first language so I don't know how to explain in the right words. Seems to convert with the idea that women in general see in Grey and men in black and white.

[@neogery]

@@Psilocybism hey this sounds right to me, I wasnt sure if I am weird or what, but I know what you mean, its all grey maybe some darker, some less... Interesting!

[@neogery]

@John Hillman precisely :)

[@The__Gent]

"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". See that movie if you haven't!

[@cptpepper7731]

I was going to write the same comment before I saw yours. Spot on.

[@Elise_Shiny]

This is sooo Eternal Sunshine. I am once again stunned by how quickly sci-fi plays out into real-time. Eternal Sunshine came out in 2004 and 15 years later this is what they were doing in that movie. In another 15 years you'll be able to go into a clinic to get whatever memory or emotion you want "retrained." Wonder if I can get on a waiting list now? Treatment for PTSD? Sometimes love feels that way.

[@swapniljadhav3239]

and that my friends is how you win people's hearts. never knew who she was, but i'm a fan now.

[@Berdymadafakas]

this was my favorite talk in years lol... nueroscientists assemble!

[@iamdmc]

nueroscience is my favourite siunse

[@SankofaAncestorShrine]

I've been with my husband since we were 15 and we got married at 19....I have realized many times since then that as part of a couple you are often presented with opportunities to choose love. Therefore I believe you can also choose to fall out of love and many do when they believe (either correctly or not) that there is a better choice out there.

[@blowitoutyourcunt7675]

I've got about the same situation - we have chosen each other and chosen to love each other everyday. When somebody chooses to fall out of love that means that they have chosen to stop trying to love that person.

[@TRIPPMUZIKPAGE]

Yes. Sometimes the better choice isn't in choosing another person to be with but rather sometimes a better decision. A person's perspective may have changed due to some unlikely encounter or experience and feel their life is on a path in a different direction that a spouse or significant may not want to travel but it would be disrespectful to just up and leave without discussing your thoughts and feelings to give them a chance to also make a sound decision.

[@VallartaRob]

Love and Neurology. Could be a song title.

[@welkinator]

This is the one-in-a-thousand that I watch TED for

[@ireneguan4010]

If we could only choose to stop loving someone who leaves us, not destined to be with us, then maybe none of us live some of their lives with so much emotional baggage, emptiness, loneliness, and depression.

[@moorel.5801]

this woman is amazing! her curiosity is so inspiring!

[@WoW12889]

I do agree with you what do you think

[@MrCal2648]

This type of experiment could have far-reaching applications, including dealing with PTSD.

[@amitabh4u007]

Yes after all it's a matter of choice. Love is also a part of life like career , health, security and so on.

[@alexanderringler5747]

What people do not realise is, that we also chose to fall in love. Whenever one says, that we can't chose to fall in love, I know that this person confuses being needy with love and is also not a thrustworthy partner.

[@AsifAAli]

"It's all in my head, but i know exactly where." 😁

[@magda_mf]

Oh wow. As a psychology student, I must admit that it was really interesting!

[@PtolemyXVII]

The "love" region in her brain that she showed is not the love region, it's the substantia nigra or hypothalamus, where long term memory is stored. Feelings of love could be due to conditioned thinking in Dessa's case, the overload of oxytocin. To lessen the effects of oxytocin withdrawal, people could take melatonin, which produces a natural high, supplanting the release of oxytocin. After time, people can recondition their thinking to no longer associate the object of love with oxytocin release. There's a reason why drug addicts often fall harder in an "obsessive kind of love" than people who are physically fit and healthy. Quite personally, I only choose to fall and remain in love with people who have a positive effect on me, and not through oxytocin release. With People who create negative conditioning, it is easy to stop thinking of them and associating them with pleasurable feelings.

[@auntiesneer6302]

Nerrrrrrrd

[@iamanempoweredone6064]

Yes. Selfishness is self destruction in slow motion.

[@andrewkear5639]

@Mihir Patel lmao

[@iamanempoweredone6064]

@@soniat3094, when it's for your own "good" then it is called something else.

[@rochreech3173]

Humans are naturally self destructive too

[@shardanette1]

Dessa gave a TED talk! OMG. I'm a have to listen to this later.

[@SupernaturalBeingsofEarth]

Read between the lines.

[@crowned_in_beauty]

A year ago honey

[@CrankyPantss]

That was a very good talk: the information was interesting and Dessa was engaging and funny. Well done.

[@sharadabharaty4370]

Wow! Dear you did it.💖 In a simpler way, it's staying in 'now'....and it's meditation.... When you become just a watcher... A Witness. Thanks dear for a worthy video to keep on watching... 🙏gratitude

[@malak-ui4eg]

the most beautiful ted talk i've ever come across!

[@bradcorbin8756]

Such a powerful speaker...!

[@jamiep9694]

Excellent speaker !

[@curiousorigins]

It'd be interesting to try this in any number of people with unhappy brain stuff. Like PTSD, anxiety, depression etc... I feel like this is worth studying. She was funny, as well.

[@emmanuelguzman5944]

I'm hungry bruh. I bet my horns will light up when I see food ina bit.

[@Lindsweightloss]

I think that TIME and SELF LOVE can help you get over a heartbreak! What do you think? :)

[@Lindsweightloss]

Gökdeniz Özkan Wow, thank you for sharing your perspective! It’s definitely not easy to let go and ‘forget’ the person, because feelings and memories will always be there... I said time is important because it tends to heal, but obviously time AIONE is not enough 😊

[@Lindsweightloss]

Gökdeniz Özkan I get your point. I don’t know if you have read the book “The power of Now” by Tolle, but the author says that to find peace, we need to surrender, that is, as you said accept.

[@GokdenizOzkan]

And hey, maybe we are using "forgetting" differently. I just thought about it. You know, when you try to forget; you simply engaging in the forgetting action. So, you start to empty the feelings you have towards that person. If you try to change how you feel, you simply take those feelings into another... class. May TIME will make you forget but definetely you are not the one who wants to forget. The difference is here. I believe that wanting to forget and forgetting with time is different. I thought you were talking about forgetting and leaving all the other stuff to time. Sorry if I understood wrong. Thank you for giving your time and reading all of it. xd

[@GokdenizOzkan]

@@Lindsweightloss I didn't know about that book. I will check it out. Thank you! ^^

[@Lindsweightloss]

Gökdeniz Özkan You seem very interested about this topic 😊At the end of the day, no heartbreak is easy!

[@neescott]

Whoa, ironically I fell in love with this talk! Fabulous and informative

[@kristianjl]

You ARE a legit nerd. A rather charismatic and articulate nerd. And we love you. Too bad you didn’t have those love disco ball horns at your Princeton show!

[@JaY-sw8no]

This title spoke to me

[@cleannorganizewithme]

I think my lights just lit up after watching this video. Loved it. It's going to be one of my favourite videos on Ted.

[@troy1572]

I love subtitles/captions

[@louiseoz4720]

THANK YOU..LOVED THE ENDING🙋‍♀️

[@KelciaMarie1]

Aaaah I've been waiting for this! Love Dessa and her music 😊

[@benjiboi1633]

probably the most interesting video I have ever seen... thank you Dessa!

[@LaPlaztique]

This was so good! If only we all could have access to do it!

[@DRZGP]

Wow..so impressed Dessa! You rock!

[@curtishill6490]

Real love is forever if it's real or true!! People grow apart! Lust is what passes or a choice we can make! Love is there or it isn't...

[@flamevix]

@@jjm2948 Are any emotions even real? According to your logic.

[@curtishill6490]

@@emmabunch-benson7922 👍🙏

[@thephoenix1601]

Emma Bunch-Benson you have nailed it!! Can't agree more!

[@Rocstoneau]

That is the best Ted talk I've ever seen! And great presentation.

[@lifeofhappybutterfly]

Thank you

[@Hopelives4eva]

Amazing❤

[@aryfis]

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

[@burgesssam]

tfw you're thinking about Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind throughout the talk... and then she namechecks it... side note: taking this action on your brain sounds pretty unhealthy, no?

[@anushkalols]

Just when i needed this. THANK YOU KZbin NOTIFICATIONS FOR SAVING ME🙏

[@carloc352]

Thank you Madam! You made a scientific speech so funny.

[@jacobnion2525]

Doomtree sounds more like a black metal group.

[@GrowingStrength]

I thought this was a recent video but it wasn't 😅 I hope they update a newer version tho, I wouldn't mind watching it too

[@Wankeroo]

Love is subjective. It is not just a reaction to a photo of a person you broke up with. This is about dealing with emotional pain. Love withdrawal. Everyone's brain will handle it differently and emotional pain does scar. This video should be title "coached out of emotional pain the with help of some machines".

[@mistym0rning]

Love may FEEL very subjective, and we all experience the emotions and thoughts associated with love or heartbreak a bit differently... but in terms of what happens in our brains and which neurotransmitters and hormones are involved, nope, sorry to tell ya, it's not subjective at all. It's the same biochemical reactions and processes in all humans.

[@ClanDosCanalhas]

Ok, these technologies are fantastic. I'm just thinking that if stuff like this becomes ordinary, we will be dependent on machines to be emotionally healthy. I mean, the result is brilliant, but it seems to me that if you can just look at a screen and your emotional problem will automatically fade out, what's the use of feelings and how human would we be if we could control and erase them so easily?

[@thephoenix1601]

Canal THP cheaters are able to erase the feelings without these machines!

[@ClanDosCanalhas]

@@thephoenix1601 your completely right and i haven't thought of that, but i think it would be even worse if you keep using machines like that than if you don't

[@thephoenix1601]

Canal THP I agree! We already have enough cheaters without these machines!

[@ManTheManLV255]

@@ClanDosCanalhas this wouldn't be for everyone just those who struggle going through normal healthy motions and steps.

[@ClanDosCanalhas]

@@ManTheManLV255 you're right, but the power of these things is really scary

[@janabanana7616]

Love will find you. If you’re looking for love, you will never find it. You only find expectations and that’s not love.

[@thomaschen7685]

if only i have the access to fMRI stuff and a team of researchers. She is so lucky to have that. Good luck!

[@ManTheManLV255]

She just put herself out there. If you're willing to jump through hoops you might be able to do something like this.

[@pompeyadeb6277]

I just loveeee thisssss❤️❤️❤️ the best talk I've ever heard 😍😍😍

[@Ladyblue7620]

What I love most about this Ted talk is he hilarity ❤

[@a_name_a]

I'm not convinced, sounds to me like she changed her mindset about a person, not fallen out of love. Love isn't an obsession, as she described, love is the blissful feeling of unity between 2 people. I don't think she was in love, I think she just fell into a mindset where she was obsessed with that person. Sounds no different than breaking a habit, IMO.

[@RockeraMJJ]

love is the blissful feeling of unity between 2 people? You mean you can't love if you're not loved back?

[@Fourestgump]

Meditation also works and it is free

[@janabanana7616]

I haven’t watch the vid yet but my answer would be yes. We can choose to fall out of love, because true love is a choice.

[@nismofury]

Yes we can fall out of love by choice. We can choose anything.

[@veronicaolivares9150]

She is great!!!

[@SunsetDreamms]

Good job! I'mm still looking for a brain surgeon who is willing to take out the cavernoma in my brainstem.

[@ManTheManLV255]

I wonder what that would do to a person? I hate to say it but it would be interesting to see how removing the smallest parts of the brain would change a person.

[@neogery]

hey interesting fun talk! I was pleasantly surprised :)

[@that_dam_baka]

10:28 is my favorite part.

[@KevinGDividend]

I believe we can

[@keep_walking_on_grass]

If this really works, I want to do it too.

[@jessew6437]

Every time I fall in love ...love falls out me

[@abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwyxz102]

Noice

[@johnmivule-novabow8143]

PEOPLE don't even know what LOVE is anymore

[@andreasbergqvist6239]

Sure we do: You bring social advantages and economical resources to the woman and she loves you "for who you are", if something makes you hit hard times so that you can't provide it any longer the woman falls out of "loving you for who you are".

[@johnmivule-novabow8143]

@@andreasbergqvist6239 oooooh. I see what you mean lol

[@johnmivule-novabow8143]

@@bribri8042 tru tru

[@Bocbo]

Half of the comments of this thread are missing. Way to go censors. I love reading PARTS of what's going on.

[@johnmivule-novabow8143]

@@Bocbo Ikr!

[@bobbygrace8579]

Loved this , very intertaining !

[@serendipitytwo777]

Amazing

[@divyasingh4505]

The more we are incling towards scientific technology the more and more we are getting detached from real emotions and true meaning of life.

[@JustRandomPerson]

divya singh there is no such things as “true meaning of life”.

[@carlabrox3634]

Brilliant!

[@onealr]

Where can I buy this program. #AskingForAFriend

[@MaleAdaptor]

This was a fascinating talk Shame about the canned laughter.

[@m.m.m.42]

Shame we can’t all do this.

[@Yellow-Rose]

This is really dark, but funny.

[@ashhs3743]

I really liked this, thanks

[@impact_1152]

I’m in love with my art so that’s not going to happen 🙅‍♂️👍🔥❤️😂🤙

[@JonasUllenius]

She did look sade talking about it some times. Or am I wrong?

[@mollydavis7960]

Engaging talk but I find the title misleading. There is no discussion about “choice” at all. Her “falling out of love” was induced by something seemingly similar to hypnotherapy.

[@davisx2002]

Penny Jean Gracefire has the coolest name ever.

[@levibirch3189]

Nice.

[@ARDIANSETIAWAN]

My fave talk!!!!!

[@ebbyc1817]

I loooved this talk ❤️😊

[@daithiocinnsealach1982]

Quick answer: yes. Just saved you ten minutes of your life. Go do some thing awesome with it... 😂

[@mjm6390]

Inner Vigilance agreeeee i did it but then again i knew i didn’t really care about the person to began with and my actions are proof of that

[@isivees]

Gente, preciso de uma gargantilha dessa do núcleo caudado pra já! Haha amei.

[@Flow86767]

That’s, a very good ted talk.

[@fluffiecat2793]

Me when I find out my crush liked the Ugandan knuckles meme

[@bhawitbalodi4324]

Your videos are amazing

[@dnojno]

My school is hosting a Tedtalk tomorrow, any tips?

[@thephoenix1601]

She is so fit n glowing!

[@Kitsune81]

Great storyteller (although some jokes were a bit too forced). Just wish she had something more interesting to say. Maybe should've expanded more on the method she used and why it worked. She hardly touched on it. And also sad to see that there is no take-away message.

[@1happyguy823]

I love her!! She is Amazing!! I love real people!! ;-)

[@mariaocampo7240]

Best ted talk ever, I wish I could do the same

[@luckyambitiousnthani2848]

That is genius Dessa

[@RockeraMJJ]

As her partner, I would feel so bad about her choice to "erase" her love for me :(

[@WoW12889]

I do agree

[@Jontman42]

She didn't really explain exactly how watching her brain activity on a screen resulted in the "love parts" not flaring up anymore. Like did she think about the dude, see the parts firing on the screen, and then figure out what to do/think to keep it green? If so, then how exactly? What's the evidence that this actually works? It sounds like a method of therapy with a lot of potential if it works, so I'd imagine there's research on the subject that she should've talked about. Otherwise this just sounds like pseudoscience and an ad for her music career.

[@thephoenix1601]

Jontman42 I felt the same! The focus is on so many unnecessary details, whereas for the title content she didn't even emphasize, she simply put it in a word! " I watched the screen and suddenly the feelings are magically gone"! LoL! So much for this. This technique is actually called mindfulness/meditation - always feeling and being in the present moment- not lingering over the thoughts of past or future! So Buddhist prove to be the best neuro scientist of all time!

[@dryzalizer]

This. It was an entertaining talk, but there's no explanation of why hearing a harp strum or other little bits of music when her mind wasn't focusing on love worked. I understand it's mostly unconscious and seeing the goal on the screen in front of you is helpful, but it could also be a placebo effect. Now I'm off to watch a talk by Penijean Gracefire about her technique, it's on KZbin. After watching, she gives 10 minutes of background and then finally explains that soundwaves can basically distract us from the unwanted/improper/abnormal brain behavior. She claims she can make some sort of customized sound therapy, but reveals hardly any details of it and actually leaves off with a cliffhanger saying "coming up in part 2" which I can't find video of. If this is something real that she's keeping secret for future business purposes, it could become a great tool to help get over an ex after a breakup. Or it could just be pseudoscience, since she hasn't shown us the details.

[@kritikumar7876]

cogito ergo sum this is exactly what I thought. Just being aware of that activity in your brain weakens that brain activity(if it’s negative/unhealthy). This is vipassana. But she doesn’t explain anything about that, sadly.

[@spicybrown75]

Wait how did she make herself fall out of love? I watched the whole video but dont get it? Help!!

[@NW801]

Cubbiebear RIP. If you're wondering who she's taking about.

[@rodrigorubio7009]

So how did she let go of love?