The Secrets of Hostage Negotiators | Scott Tillema | TEDxNaperville

Can you have a productive conversation with someone when you both disagree?
Learn the secrets to negotiation and conversation from a police hostage negotiator.
Sergeant Scott Tillema is a FBI trained hostage negotiator, spending over 7 years as a negotiator with NIPAS-EST, the largest multi-jurisdictional municipal SWAT team in the United States. He is also a supervisor at the Schaumburg (IL) Police Department, where he has been a police officer since 2002.
Scott held the role of adjunct professor at Argosy University - Schaumburg, teaching multiple courses in both the psychology and criminal justice programs. Through his interest in policing, psychology, and negotiations, he has developed The SECRETS Model of Negotiation, and actively teaches crisis communication to police officers throughout the Chicago region.
Scott holds a Bachelor’s degree from the University of Wisconsin with a triple major in behavioral science, political science and sociology. He also completed a Master’s degree in forensic psychology through Argosy University.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx

[@andrewvanbee]

Yeah it’s like 2am and I’m watching a TED talk about hostage negotiation

[@sanneros4363]

Andrew in halve an hour same her buddy

[@majesticed9329]

i fell u

[@kilo276]

Sanne Ros wtf it’s 1:34am rn here

[@naimy4511]

-Me, 2019

[@Evan-mo5gp]

the important things

[@FlawlessLego]

When he did the intentional pause I stopped zoning out and checked my phone to make sure the video didn’t stop. So yeah, it works.

[@eliasjohnson8535]

I did the same thing

[@JohnFKennedy420]

Lmfao

[@randommemeaddict249]

lmao.

[@dan003]

Word, same. Lol.

[@kdoge1387]

Lets be real each dam time you watch it it works LOL

[@CheeseTruffles]

I wonder what it’s like to be married to a police negotiator and literally lose every single argument lol

[@AnnaMaledonPictureBookAuthor]

Yep... like how he can persuade you that you actually don't have a headache at all... ( not that I have headaches )

[@LivFP]

You'd certainly learn how to pick your battles

[@NiKkI996633]

My uncle was a crisis negotiator and I am yet to have a winning argument with him. One day I will. One day 😔

[@azka1912]

@@NiKkI996633 Have you asked yourself, what if I'm mostly wrong in those arguments after all... Regardless, you'll never win until you'll learn to listen, to respect and be true yourself. Then I predict the number of arguments will drop pretty fast ;)

[@jayblack5231]

If it's a good couple there will never be a loss- everyone will leave happy

[@scotttillema1467]

Learn four principles of crisis and hostage negotiation that you can use to improve your work and your relationships- these are concepts that can be learned by anyone and applied in any situation! 1. Seek first to understand. 2. Know when to deliver your message. 3. It's not what you say, it's how you say it! 4. Know the power of respect. Thanks for watching!

[@lilliangraham9850]

i thought you made a really good speech

[@JimmyDeLock]

Scott Tillema Hey Scott, I learned as much from your delivery as from your content. I've heard all the points before, from authors like Dale Carnegie and Stephen Covey, but I've never really felt them embodied in a person before. You exert calm control of the stage and audience with your body language, tone of voice, and pace. You must be an excellent negotiator. Could you do a video tutorial on how to build presence like that? 😊😊

[@LarryPanozzo]

Naperville?! I wish there had been more advertising! I would have gone. Nathan Jackson, this reminds me of Stephen Covey too. I love how the most introspective minds all converge on the truth. Amazing presentation, Scott. I'm humbled to have learned most of these points already through introspection, countless debates, and just listening to my friends in their emotional struggles. But I wish I had your experience. I'd love to hear some more of your life stories stories.

[@NochSoEinKaddiFan]

In theory I was aware of all of that and thought it goes without saying, but you can never repeat it often enough. I am also a fan of non-violent communication after Marschall Rosenberg. He also stresses that you should really describe how you feel about a situation and try to understand how the other person feels. And that blaming someone like "You did..." is an attack and should not be used in a conversation, instead you shuold meet others with respect and mindfullness. Seeing that such simple guidelines can have such drastic effects and stand the test under severe stress goes to show, that they are fundamental to not just talk, but communicate. So thank you very much for your talk, it was very insightful to me!

[@EricLaBrant]

Scott, the fact that you took the time to comment personally says a lot. Thank you for the work you do, and for sharing your wisdom.

[@aplimsollpunk2738]

"If you've been listening to someone and working to understand them, you will know the words to say." That's a pretty powerful line.

[@ericsbuds]

tone is so important. its like a trigger when someone has a rude tone, regardless of the words they are saying.

[@Althemor]

That's also the secret of youtube comment wars. Half the time people just misunderstand each other and interpret inflections into words that were never meant that way. I sometimes think it would be useful to write comments like Elcor dialogue in Mass Effect. Confused: Are you serious? Genuinely: I mean no disrespect, I just think your words are open to misinterpretation.

[@hrvz3443]

that is so true we got a girl at work and when she talks then it just sounds rude even if she is not being rude , guess that is why humans are different ! we are all unique in our own way

[@Zeuskabob1]

@@Althemor It's the same thing that happens with road rage. When we're not getting the cues we need in order to understand each other, we paint a picture that may not be correct. Without contradictory information, that picture can remain for orders of magnitude longer than it could if you were standing there in person.

[@Zo-hc2fn]

How I view de-escalation : it just means to be nice to a person, to send a positive energy to a person for example, if one day my neighbor asks me to help him carry heavy bags if he is smiling to me, and speaking to me in a nice way, I will help him because he sent me a positive energy if he isn't smiling to me, and speaking in an obnoxious way, I won't help him because he sent me a negative energy. If you are nice to a person (aka sending a positive energy), the person will comply If you are not nice to a person (aka sending a negative energy), the person won't comply when you watch american police videos, cops are doing it wrong, there is a person that is holding a knife, and you have police officers yelling loudly and obnoxiously "DROP THE KNIFE !!" they say that 50 times and the person never complies, cops are not being nice to the person, therefore, the person never complies, but now, if the cops talk nicely and quietly and say "we understand you have problems in your life, tell us your problems, you and us can make something together" here, they are being nice to the person, the person is going to comply

[@zangreene2454]

Principle #5: Max out your charisma at the start of the game, to have more success when passing skill checks

[@raeesmohammed6080]

This is such a niche joke haha I love it.

[@Morqan.]

Iahmonster01 cool such as..?

[@ohthemadam8290]

@Kkqleb the Mechanists helmet, or a nice bowtie.

[@4shtia]

Also don't forget your ioun stone of Leadershp, and if possible read a Tome of Leadership and Influence. Getting that +4 to a +5 or a +5 to a +6 makes a big difference in the long run!

[@samuelkunzler5413]

Also be a bard and expertise in persuasion

[@eddylin5098]

Less than 10k views?! This is one of the best Tedx talks I have heard. His message and speaking style are incredible!

[@darrenleack3690]

Edward Lin it's now at 196K views so it has shot up in last six months and your right this is a really good Ted Talk

[@mrsbib8366]

242K now🙂

[@DrorFishman]

Maybe the "hostage" in the title is too freightning..

[@davidf.1126]

To be fair the title of the video is to blame. "The Secrets of Hostage Negotiators" just doesn't sound useful for the average person nor interesting or unique, it also doesn't capture your attention like some other titles!

[@DC-ff7kk]

Nearly 500,000

[@kevindbest2]

1. Understand 2. Timing 3. Delivery 4. Respect

[@jacobshirley3457]

If anything, 1. Respect

[@papapooper1876]

needed this for a school assignment. bless

[@LEGITBEAU]

When he talked about effective pauses I leaned in closer to my screen because I thought the audio cut out lmao

[@ienupar2003]

That was an effective pause!

[@Shamanized]

It was torture leaving those stories open-ended but I’m really glad he went back and finished them.

[@blankroyai]

I was shocked when a painter came from no where lol

[@lourequinlourequin2833]

Yeah, is there a painter at every talk?

[@liamgardner6033]

Love how the whole 18mins 21secs all you seemed interested in was the painter 🤣🤣🤣

[@godhimself568]

no, it was just something he deemed amusing or interesting and the only thing he made a public comment on, don't be ridiculous

[@souleaterevans4589]

I imagine it was a request from that specific TEDx event for future advertising or something. This is the only talk I've seen feature that kind of thing and it *is* very odd considering it's not at all related to the speaker/topic

[@jayblack5231]

Fr

[@BhadBishopp]

He is a badass speaker. I hope I can speak to people like this one day...

[@knvxxx]

Sako hey ,can I have your Facebook ?!😄

[@kidkangaroo5213]

Dude's got tough hide. A man killed himself in front of him because he said the wrong thing. If that happened to me I'd never be able to sleep again.

[@levitatin2264]

(didn't he survive though?)

[@erikaarnold4780]

Sako If you have the desire to be good at something, with time and work you really can. People used to struggle to hear me when I was a kid. That's why I decided to be a theatre major in high school. Now, people hear everything I have to say and I speak with purpose. It began with a desire to do so.

[@Rogdog692002]

I am with Erika... I was horribly shy and terrified of public speaking as a young person. Thirty years later I speak publicly all the time. I enjoy it and am really good at it. The only difference between me now and me then is years of experience. Stay alive and keep trying... you’ll be great at it.

[@TheTannertech]

This is one of the best tedx talks i've ever heard.

[@TheModernAsianMan]

one of the best talks I've ever heard. Not only does he break down his points in an understandable & followable manner, he practices every single point of what he has spoken during his presentation. Scott, You've got my respect & admiration.

[@stealthbeastgaming]

"Let's treat others the way THEY want to be treated" Powerful. Perhaps a weakness of mine. Just because I'm okay with something, or feel like something is petty or doesn't matter, doesn't make it bother someone completely different any less. For example, I hate sports. I REALLY really dislike sports. But I recognize that sports are a BURNING passion for others, and it leads to camaraderie and laughter. Why berate that? That's why I respect sports talk.

[@jean-lucwalker3690]

Chan nel "Treat others like you want to be treated" - Jesus

[@jacobshirley3457]

Don't walk in their shoes. Walk in their feet, as well.

[@buffalojoeinchico9109]

+Jean-Luc Walker I understand your sentiment, did you catch the part where the speaker said "treat them the way THEY want to be treated"?

[@rashkavar]

@LamazeMe And when they've got a gun to someone's head, bloody well treat them like a king long enough to get them to stop threatening to murder innocent bystanders. The entire objective of negotiation is manipulating people into doing what you want them to do. Treating them the way they want to be treated is a big part of how you do that effectively.

[@Zeuskabob1]

@@rashkavar Totally true, and I think it can apply in a lot of other situations as well. Starting by treating someone "like a king" as they're coming at you with a complaint/argument/issue can allow you to bridge the gap so they can treat you the same way. Certain people just don't get this concept and they quickly become a waste of time, but there are so many people in my life that I've built mutual respect and support with that I feel blessed.

[@XxZigiixX]

Funny enough I've heard most of these techniques while workin in customer service answering phones, they're surprisingly effective.

[@qilinxue989]

yes, these techniques are universal!

[@likeabunnie]

XxZigiixX haha I was thinking of sending this to my friend who does the same job! ;) often it really is just about "hello, oh, let me validate your feelings!" for awhile until you can get to "cool... There's a simple way to remedy this situation" ;)

[@karlabc9251]

likeabunnie 😂 exactly and then you sell them something

[@WhiteThunder121]

customer service. Definetly a place i don't ecpect to be treted with respect and dignity lol

[@rashkavar]

Angry customers are actually in much the same psychological space as hostage takers, just less extreme. It's that weird headspace where you're upset and you want something and you don't give a damn about anyone else.

[@KyrstOak]

"Pick any issue and it's angry person against another." Except for depression. That's one upset person against themselves or a lot of people against one person; never good.

[@LWLProductions]

Kyrst O'Keefe of course, internal conflict is very different than external agreed. I assume he meant external issues.

[@konoyarogaming6774]

The reason most negotiations begin is because someone is misunderstood. If they were understood they wouldn't hesitate to kill themselves. If they refused to wait for someone then they were sure of what they were doing. Taking time to understand them like no one else dose makes all the difference to someone. It makes them think twice that someone cares about what they're going through. There's a chance they have a reason in life... A chance someone could care. That's the only thing people truely want in this life. For people to care.

[@Not_Ciel]

As someone with really bad depression, that hit right in the feels. It's incredibly true.

[@prumset6059]

@@Not_Ciel bs.

[@grachiamoina5517]

@@Not_Ciel Hello Ciel! It's been 2 years since you commented this... How are you feeling right now? I hope You're healed from everything...

[@grachiamoina5517]

Hello Konoyaro Gaming this comment explains alot about what we watched and the true agenda why people in the negotiations do what they do that explains alot... I will do the best to share love and care to every people I know... I hope you're doing well☺🌾🌻

[@johnbolton2149]

does* truly*

[@RamzaBeoulves]

I will come back to this later, this is a great talk. Thank you Scott

[@maheshathcl]

Very insightful, well structured and delivered talk. One of the best I have listened to on TEDx.

[@lisakietzer9046]

Scott, awesome talk! Glad to see you are kicking ass at life. This made my day. So proud of you!

[@WisdomThumbs]

Active listening and active denial were both taught to me by my mentor, who is now a teacher for troubled and at-risk students. He turned my life around and taught me that people don’t remember what you say, they remember how you made them feel and how the conversation began. EDIT: active denial is a tool to circumvent trouble and bullying. Important detail. A simple question can cut right to the heart of a problem.

[@anuraghari9738]

This was brilliant. One of my favorite TED Talks.

[@ManolisPolychronides]

Very well said! This is a great talk, powerfully delivered and with a great conclusion. Worth your attention!

[@kells_mccradic]

Being in Clinical Forensic Psychology /interviewing this really helps even in non-negotiation situations. Great Ted X thank you for the info

[@qudsiaahadi120]

How is being a clinical forensic psychologist? Its career path that I would like to take but how wanna more informed on whats it like everyday and the pay.

[@nejm612]

What do you do, Kelly?

[@Steph_andthebulldogs]

love it!! Great talk thank you for sharing!!! and thank you for your service!

[@jacrispiejackson69]

I was like wtf cus he kept leaving out details of each story but he finally finished the details at the end. Maybe that was how he kept me engaged because I was looking for the details

[@mikeg6285]

when i was younger i was extremely suicidal. attempted at least a dozen times but always either failed and just ended up hurt, or couldnt get myself to pull the trigeer / jump from fear of death and whats after. i got over it eventually. i still have thoughts but never act and i wonder if i could help others ...i just wouldn't know what to say to them other than relating to them and that can make some angry and start the "you dont know what my life is like" issue.

[@ginaslattery1592]

Starts kind of slow but builds to goosebumps. This is the truth.

[@qilinxue989]

Most amazing talk I have ever heard. You sir, are truly talented.

[@HK-sw3vi]

Hats off to this guy, he kept his speech interesting all the way till the end.

[@haoxus9413]

The best ted talk I have watched, and I've watched over 50 so far.

[@DominikRoszkowski]

Very good speech, thank you

[@GoErikTheRed]

Now if only I could implement these during arguments online...

[@mika2666]

I'll start: you're wrong and everyone knows it

[@noneofyerbisness8702]

You can, actually. I've had great success in coming to conclusions where while both parties still don't agree, we can understand each other. And that was just following the fourth rule, and remembering that just because someone is being rude or aggressive doesn't mean I have to be the same way. I can only imagine how much more effective these communications can become with three more tools to utilize.

[@AnnaMaledonPictureBookAuthor]

Never mind online. How can you negotiate with your own kids in real life during meal times that include dreaded vegetables? In fact, just one kid who refuses to eat the rubber balls as he calls them.

[@jameson1239]

Mika why do you think he’s wrong?

[@Zo-hc2fn]

How I view de-escalation : it just means to be nice to a person, to send a positive energy to a person for example, if one day my neighbor asks me to help him carry heavy bags if he is smiling to me, and speaking to me in a nice way, I will help him because he sent me a positive energy if he isn't smiling to me, and speaking in an obnoxious way, I won't help him because he sent me a negative energy. If you are nice to a person (aka sending a positive energy), the person will comply If you are not nice to a person (aka sending a negative energy), the person won't comply when you watch american police videos, cops are doing it wrong, there is a person that is holding a knife, and you have police officers yelling loudly and obnoxiously "DROP THE KNIFE !!" they say that 50 times and the person never complies, cops are not being nice to the person, therefore, the person never complies, but now, if the cops talk nicely and quietly and say "we understand you have problems in your life, tell us your problems, you and us can make something together" here, they are being nice to the person, the person is going to comply

[@JR-ue2cx]

As soon as he held that long pause I thought the phone turned off so my head darted over. Then he explained to me why it’s like that. Damn

[@Andres.Limones]

Great talk Scott! Thank you for sharing these principles!

[@sawanpatwari6312]

Incredible! It was worth a watch, especially, the summary part, so rightly put.

[@docmarion8902]

This was one of the best talks I’ve seen

[@handasaman]

Great seminar .. Thank you

[@mattkelly2004]

I love these ted talks, they are generally short and to the point and if your interested afterwards you can deep dive into longer doc. Videos or read.

[@MazeFrame]

Great talk! I fear I have to rewatch it a few times...

[@thestephensmg]

I love how they have an abstract painter translator. It cleared up some of the more subtle facets of the presentation.

[@theprayer1284]

Thank you for your speech.

[@dangeejr]

Such an incredible talk. His words are spoken with such an impact, yet at the same time soft and timely.

[@JCResDoc94]

Wow. That was above average good.

[@Norm3Show]

What a great talk about communication!!!

[@parabellum4622]

*_This was extremely educational. Thank you._*

[@robinleeper]

Thanks Scott, I found your talk very insightful and inspiring.

[@lol_vevo]

Connor, the Android sent by Cyberlife, could learn some of these tricks

[@rachelhughes8487]

"I know you're angry, Daniel. But you need to trust me and let me help you."

[@communisthater736]

There's now way out of this Daniel, it's just wether or not you take another innocent life

[@theweakestbrazilianmale3398]

*T W E N T Y E I G H T S T A B W O U N D S*

[@Jerrongamereview]

Why don't you ask me about Sevastopol safety protocols?

[@ovencake523]

3. Sympathize (spoilers for a old game) One of the weirdest lines in the game. This isnt your fault, Daniel. These emotions you are feeling are just errors in your software. We can fix you! Yeah, your just an unstable defective thing that shouldn't exist and we're going to break your free will and put you back into submission. What a great sympathy Connor. And it works in the game. Fr.

[@Cryptameria69]

So wonderful! I am share this as much as I can.

[@teebee6773]

He got better and better during this speech. Starting rolling and I was hooked! Nice job, from the heart.

[@sweiland75]

I find most TED Talks events boring but this is a rare one where I actually watched all the way through.

[@justanothernerdydude4391]

You unintelligent swine.

[@matthewbibby8921]

@@justanothernerdydude4391 Someone clearly didn't watch the very video they're on XD

[@tjruhl8742]

Insightful perspective and powerful approach. Great TED Talk.

[@flaminggorilla909]

This was truly great to learn

[@markjones5967]

Just brilliant. I'm currently learning about hostage negotiation and your video is extremely helpful. Simple life skills to improve on which would be of benefit to everyone. Thank you.

[@mathosh1690]

So wonderful ! Thank you.

[@opamusic9457]

Master of the theme! Thank for sharing this amazing experience...

[@megd7593]

Most excellent. Thank you, sir.

[@m.k.6669]

The sports analogy sent a chill down my spine.

[@amr8147]

That pause tho. I had this running in the background while I konmari my room and I had to check my phone if it glitched or summ. Effective pause, effective and great speaker too!

[@valve1679]

I was recommended one of these videos and now I’m binge watching all of them 🤔. It’s crazy how life really is

[@erichuang4652]

He has a powerful voice and tone. "Treat someone the way they want to be treated."

[@medina4392]

Brilliant and informative! Fantastic talk!

[@mangoyacho]

Wow - I have learnt so much from this talk. Thank you!

[@DanielSiles-ic5go]

Absolutely brilliant. I raise my hat.

[@johnkim7802]

We live in a world where people talk with many people yet few have great communication skills! People rightfully rush to judgements or assign thoughts to the other side rather than seeking to understand. Desiring the true answers, showing great listening, and being understanding are key to all this.

[@archaeologistify]

In the game Detroit: Become human, there is hostage negotiation. After hearing this TED talk, I see that the scene makes sense.

[@Tom-2142]

My name is Connor, I'm the android sent by cyberlife

[@aaronvalone8524]

I just took a course in communications crisis this past semester and let me tell you it made me terhink abput everything on how i think and speak while being in an argument or crisis situation.

[@davidmays7102]

he gave a really good speech. made a lot of great points people take for granted.

[@user-tp2ki2ee1c]

thanks to your wise words mr tilemma, got your message. really educated, wise, realistic lifelike experiences. props to you

[@peppermintmocha3271]

I loved this! Thank you so much for addressing tone! I feel that a lot of people focus on nonverbal Communication skills and using the right wording. However they neglect tone which is super important for people who are blind like I am. If the person means well, but the wrong tone is used, misunderstandings form which can lead to frustration and awkward situations. When these awkward situations come up, I am learning to stress gently to others that tone is very important and I can’t see their body language. A simple example would be: I didn’t know she was being sarcastic! She sounded so serious!😮😊

[@jspin3609]

I learned so much. wow. great talk!!

[@nancychace8619]

Lol - love some of the responses here. The painter threw me a curveball 🙂 The speaker is spot-on. Communication is very important and often accomplished awkwardly if at all. I've often felt that listening skills are a precious commodity in our culture. They ought to be required classwork. In much of my experience lack of communication has contributed greatly to problems, misunderstandings, snafus, "fubars" (look it up) and extraordinary inertia. Excellent presentation - thanks for sharing.

[@parkerdow9395]

Awesome talk. Using stories to illustrate your point is very effective

[@lesliebaker2494]

this is my favorite ted talk now, this and james veitch LOL

[@somerandomguy9942]

Excellent presentation. Thanks

[@_flobbernasher3723]

Using these tips, I managed to find 2 others and held a civil debate about religion. We discussed our beliefs on each of our faiths. Before we knew it, we had drawn a crowd. Apparently people thought it amazing that we could hold a calm discussion about the teachings of Christianity, Islam, and Atheism.

[@parkerdow9395]

Fantastic TED Talk

[@nhogan84]

That was an excellent TED talk!

[@usurper762]

Great talk! Loved it!

[@catboy9377]

thank you for this amazing video.

[@PopShotify]

It's crazy how unified de-escalation tactics are across the board. Different agencies all have their own programs, but it all comes down to respect, listen to understand and dont rush. Great TED talk!

[@markread8502]

Excellent talk!

[@forwarddiscipline]

Hostage negotiater: ultimate salesman.

[@moiquiregardevideo]

Very positive point of view from a police officer who became hostage negotiator. There is many examples on youtube of the opposite of respect... It is reassuring to hear such example.

[@demarcusfaulkner7411]

great lecture

[@stanleythermidor4675]

These principles are so relevant and needed today. Our human relationships have broken down and our nation is being held hostage by opinions and ideologues

[@rachelgarber1423]

That was my late husband’s biggest fear when he was having mental health problems. That he would wind up in a mental institution, he took his own life in 1979, after 3 suicide attempts

[@allanlam7669]

Listening first to gain an understanding. Then finding their pauses, time your questions and gain their attention. Then when you know you have their trust, and your own confidence in what to do to help them, deliver your message with the appropriate tone, and body language. Finally, being respectful as your one guiding principle throughout the negotiation is key. During, ask am I being respectful? And after, was the negotiation successful? Why was it successful? Was is because it was respectful? And the answer should be yes.

[@Cosmic-Crow]

This opening is so much more relevant now than even when this was recorded.

[@bestmusicandcontent7505]

Wooooooou. Thanks for share this great secrets.

[@leshreddur]

Honor and respect is the only way to be. Good on you.

[@OnnyIzwanNordin666]

Brilliant. Brilliant.

[@MrWolfheart111]

that was really good thank you

[@sergejkrynycky728]

He speaks like he's about to announce new Apple product. :D :D I swear. :D Still. Amazing speech. Big respect for guys like he is.

[@paco1914]

Thanks for the advise :)

[@theskinman1948]

Best talk ever

[@michaelfoye1135]

Thank you Mr Tillema, you reminded me of a way of being I once held near, and of why I once admired and respected police as much as I once did. I allowed the resentments of life to interfere with that part of me until I lost track of it. It is all to easy to stop listening. Even for someone who is an attuned listener. Perhaps especially so. I hope that you never learn that first hand as I have what it means to stop listening. Godspeed.

[@tymara4898]

Amazing