I Saw Myself as Deadly: Healing After Loss by Suicide | Erica Lennon | TEDxUNCCharlotte

Erica is a licenses psychologist who shared her experience losing a client to suicide and the journey to heal through pain, shame, and reclaiming herself. Erica is a practicing psychologist with over 10 years of experience working with, providing presentations on, and training new professionals on the topic of suicide. Erica coordinates campus outreach efforts for Counseling & Psychological Services at UNC Charlotte and has a passion for extending beyond the traditional "therapy walls" to connect with students and the campus community on mental health topics. Erica values empowerment, opening dialogues on "taboo topics" and humility. Erica will be sharing the narrative of her ongoing journey of healing through the pain, shame, and self-blame of losing a client to suicide on the way toward reclaiming herself. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@blueskies7019]

Thank you for challenging the silence around this subject. My 23 year old son, the most selfLESS and brilliant person I have ever known, took his life 9 weeks ago. I am, also, looking for peace. I, also, did everything in my power to save him... I thought if I loved my children enough they'd never take their own life. You can't help someone enough or love someone enough. Those that feel suicidal thinking nobody cares about them most likely have a chemical imbalance in their brain. I have been one of those people many times in my life and I have contemplated suicide countless times. My children have kept me alive this long and now one has left me this way. I understand both sides of the coin... the endless pain and desire to end the pain... even if by dying. And the other side, the pain left when a loved one chooses death and leaves you completely powerless to "fix it". When it happened all my friends came out to support me in the first week or so... some have texted to check here and there since, but mostly it's back to business as usual. I reach out to them or I don't hear from them. Nobody understands the loneliness losing a loved by suicide leaves you feeling unless they have been there. For anyone reading this, if you know someone that has lost someone to suicide... don't leave them alone. They want you to "bother" them... even if they seem resistant at times. They NEED you more than they will show you they do. Love them, be with them, take them out of their house (when they are ready). The first few weeks (1-4) they need space, so text them.... then in month two... start bugging them more. Don't worry, their sad won't rub off on you... but your happy could rub off on them. So don't be afraid to laugh and joke and encourage them to do so. But don't laugh off their pain. Laugh WITH them. Cry WITH them. BE with them. Thank you for reading.

[@joeanonymous1834]

Lost my wife to suicide. Your advice to friends and relatives is perfect. Thank you.

[@DarsAudio]

Beautiful words, thank you.

[@sylvanaesparza639]

Lost my 24 year old, feel like my life is over!

[@manie141]

Thank you

[@yourghost26]

Is it true that my sadness won't rob off on them? I badly need people right now but afraid I become a downer to anyone who hears my story.

[@randomnesswithraynemarie]

I’m crying so hard watching this. I lost my fiancé to suicide in September 2020 and it feels like its just been one long day that never ends. I’ve been so isolated. I also feel deadly. No one comes around anymore. I miss him so much and I miss who I was because that person also died that day.

[@Olivia-zb1vh]

Sending you so much love and support. You are so strong.

[@randomnesswithraynemarie]

@@Olivia-zb1vh thank you so much, it really means a lot

[@marissakihoi]

I know exactly how you feel.

[@HomemakerDaze]

I hope you can find support. I lost mine in 2012 and I've gone through alot of relationships to realise that I was just trying to distract from the pain. Not the greatest idea. Now I need to face it. Stay strong. I'm also very isolated..

[@maritkristianehauganwick7721]

Sending you all my love ❤,I lost my dad for 3 weeks ago by suicide 😢

[@cindymaselli4664]

What did I miss? How could I have missed it. She was my flesh and blood. She was part of me. I knew her better than she knew herself. My only miracle in life that I fought so hard to have her here in this world when she didn’t want to be here. I’m looking back now and I feel like I kept choosing me and wanting a child in my life. Her journey from embryo till death was so filled with obstacles and pain. She kept overcoming each hurdle. Because she is strong. Warrior strong. She kept fighting and fought till the end. Some say she was weak. I say she is the strongest person I’ve ever know. Of course she was. She was my girl. My sweet girl Amanda Marie. I still feel like I missed it. I love you I’m sorry Thank you Please forgive me. Forever your biggest fan Mom

[@Dibrm167]

So very sorry for your loss. Sending you love and support. I have to believe your daughter is with you in spirit and feels your love.

[@noshame5791]

This is exactly summed up in words how I feel for my brother. I miss him so bad and I feel like I failed him as an elder sister. I cannot talk to anyone. Reading comments helps.

[@universal_destiny3155]

My sister made the decision to end her life less than a week ago. Leaving behind her 2 babies. My dad was the one who found her. None of us are okay. This feels so unreal.

[@lynnpiccolo3429]

That’s how my family is after losing my brother 3 1/2 weeks ago. It just doesn’t seem real. Beyond devastating

[@Frottagecub]

I found my brother-in-law’s body after he hung himself and found my sister’s body after she committed suicide three weeks later back in 1995 and I don’t ever think the PTSD will ever go away. I have attempted suicide several times throughout these 25 years and back in 2018, while I was hospitalized, I got professionally diagnosed with Bi-Polar and PTSD and I have no shame accepting it and myself and using whatever sources I can to stay alive @ 45.

[@Frottagecub]

This is gonna sound silly but I hate seeing 8-06 or 8:06 on the clock as it was the date of my sister’s suicide and I feel haunted.

[@jennahyser7245]

I’m so sorry for your loss. My sisters boyfriend committed suicide and I am so scared for her, I feel she blames herself.

[@emmasfishfriends3840]

Hugs and so much love

[@jacktrainer4387]

Bipolar 2/OCD Lost one of my two best friends a couple of weeks ago. I was in control of my illness, and thought I had helped him through his. I was wrong, and I'm gutted.

[@kevinwilson6645]

I lost my former partner, we share a daughter (16) together. Coming up on the one year anniversary of my former partner taking her life this April. She was going through serious mental health issues post pandemic. I felt like it was my responsibility to help her - it wasn't. Now I feel responsible because I didn't help and now I have to guide my daughter through this trauma... it's so hard and I feel like no one understands. I feel like everyone thinks I should be over it by now.. It's still fresh like it happened yesterday..

[@emilymedlock1784]

i am in the same boat. my former partner took his life 10 months ago and we share a 6 year old son together. he was also going through serious mental health issues, some pandemic related some not. this loss has been devastating and i feel like i’ve been trying to solve an impossible rubik’s cube of grief in an attempt to make sense of the why’s and the how’s and the guilt, blame, anger, sadness, etc.. this pain feels deep and cold and never ending and i don’t know what to do with all of it

[@laurenfloyd6830]

The love of my life took his life almost 2 weeks ago. I am traumatized. Desperately searching for answers and any sense of hope. I need peace.

[@TheToonses1]

Lavish Love I’m sorry you are dealing with this deeply sad action and questioning what happened. I understand stand, because my soul mate,of 50 yrs. killed himself 3 days before Christmas this last December. I was home - this happened in our master bedroom. I still question why I or our family weren’t enough to live for. I don’t think I’ll ever find peace again. It’s hard... I’m trying to be strong for my children and grandchildren. Get help through a professional and friends. You are not alone. You are in my thoughts.

[@athena4518]

my bestfriend took her own life in front of me on her birthday a couple months ago. were you able to find the peace or hope you were looking for?

[@laurenfloyd6830]

Athena , I am so terribly sorry this has happened to you. I understand your pain and what you’re going thru. Please stay strong and know that what happened is not your fault. A sense of peace has come with the acceptance of reality that he’s no longer here and never will be. The pain still hurts like yesterday but I can say that time has helped me to try to accept and move on with my life. I have found a sense of peace but there’s a part of me that will never be the same. He took a part of me with him when he left.

[@thomasmann3560]

@@athena4518 so traumatising to have seen her do that. I just want you to know that even though we are strangers I do wish you peace even though I know it won't come. I wish I could give you the comfort you need.

[@zen-hq1wj]

@@TheToonses1 Thank you and I am so very sorry for the trauma that you went through. I hope you are getting stronger day by day and step by step. You are not alone as well. Much LOVE Light and Prayers sent to you from me. XO

[@MrPhil1964]

I lost my son to sucicide, it changed my world in a way no other act could do. At best I function in a daily daze at worst I want to hide away from everyone, words can't change how much I miss my Fraser xxx

[@scontogoulas]

Sometimes life may seem to be going perfectly on the outside - wife, kids, dogs, friends, work, nice house, holidays, trips - and yet the bad thoughts inside are constantly there. Thank you for a really great video.

[@margaretbatten3930]

I lost my partner 2 wks through suicide- she had dementia and did not want to live. I tried every thing to keep her here. I am greiving and people don't understand. Keep up the good work.

[@quincygarvin3367]

I'm so sorry for your loss you are not alone in your grief

[@blueskies7019]

You are not alone in your trauma. My 23 year old son, the most selfLESS and brilliant person I have ever known, took his life 9 weeks ago. I am, also, looking for peace. I see your post was a year ago and it is my hope you have found at least a sliver of peace in that time. Hugs.

[@Laura-kv7bl]

I’m so so sorry.

[@priyankachavan6397]

Whenever depression hits you. Just talk with your family, atleast one person about your problem or take some therapy. But don't do suicide. Beacuse you are passing your depression to those who are left behind you, like your family and loved ones. Recently I lost my mom due to suicide, I am still lost and don't understand why she don't tell me about her problem. Still finding the reason why she did this.

[@breezy8105]

My best friend and I were neighbors. He sent me a goodbye text and I was at his balcony within minutes. I knocked, pleaded, called his phone and screamed for him to open up before I heard his AR go off on the other side of his bedroom window. This happened 11/9/21. I'm having such a hard time processing and feeling like I should have done more. I should have knocked louder, kicked his door in, told him what he had to lose... I know I did everything I could, but my brain is broken and trying to rationalize. Thank you so much for this video. I'm crying tears of release that I haven't been allowing myself until now. Your mind can be your own worst enemy in times like these.

[@wyz1]

I'm sorry... praying for your healing my friend. I just lost my auntie... she was found hanging. I dont understand this but all we can do is be here for each other as a community. Peace love and understanding

[@wyz1]

How you doing these days breezy?

[@nurblue574]

one of the best talks i heard about the complexity of suicide. consciousness amazes me. and scares me.

[@lilafeldman8630]

She did a great job describing that. Its SOOOO true. You become addicted to the shame. It does things to your mind, its it's own mind game. Blaming yourself until you reach a point of breakdown.

[@lilafeldman8630]

The shame, isolation, etc.

[@MB-wk5lc]

I am coming to terms with this myself and this has just helped a lot. I have become addicted to the shame. I had been thinking there’s something wrong with me because all I’ve done is blame myself. Thank you so much

[@LEIGHandME]

Yeah

[@missiestout2878]

Thank you so very much! I lost my soon to be ex-husband to suicide. Everything you've spoken resonates within me. I feel like I tried to "save" Jason for our whole marriage. I was even throwing my body weight into his barricaded door trying to "save" him when he completed.

[@davidgersten704]

Thank you for sharing so openly. I’m an integrative psychiatrist. You’re right that a patient’s suicide changes a person...or stays with them for a long time. A cardiologist is going to lose patients to heart attack. A psychiatrist is going to lose patients to suicide. Two of the three patient suicides occurred during my first 5 years in practice. One killed himself on Thanksgiving, which lingered in my mind on Thanksgiving for 6 or 7 years. As I moved into a holistic approach, on occasion I’d think about that patient and wonder if I got it (diagnosis) right. Could he have had a problem with toxicity, inflammation? This was before we knew much about trauma. I clicked on your video because of a man who sought out my help because of his wife’s suicide. He kicked down the bathroom door and found her. It wasn’t a pretty sight. We healers are regular human beings. There are people who are close to suicide every day of their life. There are many who hold suicide as an exit strategy if the pain becomes overwhelming, and once they have decided to kill themselves, it can be impossible to know that their decision has been made. Your video clarified the shame part of suicide survivors.

[@FYMMF]

I’m not religious, but something in the Universe brought me to this video today. And I’m so glad. Anniversary of a suicide loss & I have been slowly killing myself from guilt for years. This really did help. I didn’t think anything could.

[@MB-wk5lc]

I know what you mean by the “slowly killing myself” I have felt extreme guilt and shame and so little is spoken on the subject of survival from it. Knowing we are not alone is hugely helpful

[@lynnmarieanderson1744]

I am desperate. I have bipolar disorder and I have made 2 previous suicide attempts. I feel like such a burden on my family. If you want to prevent someone from suicide, be kinder to them while they're still alive.

[@jesus1233321jesus]

The universe loves you, I lost a friend to suicide and she was such a beloved and unique character. I promise you’re worth it and special, don’t give up friend. Those who truly love you will love you UNconditionally.

[@lynnmarieanderson1744]

@@jesus1233321jesus Thank you, that was so sweet for you to say that. These times are very rough. I'm back living with my parents, my mom understands but my dad just really doesn't want me here. I'm trying to save up some money to get a car, I was in a bad car accident 2 years ago where I'm VERY lucky I wasn't hurt but it did traumatize me and my car was totalled. Now I walk a lot and take Uber cabs sometimes.

[@jesus1233321jesus]

Lynn Marie Anderson hi. I hope all is well. I’m glad to hear about your mom, at least u have her. And don’t let your dad make you feel down. Your life is your life. And I’m sorry about your accident but I believe in you!! Glad you were ok. It’s crazy bc I also got in a rlly tough accident that made me afraid to drive but I’m currently learning lol.

[@joeanonymous1834]

Lynn, I lost my wife to suicide. Any burden you might be to your family will pale in comparison to what your suicide would do to them. I've listened to more families like yours in suicide survivor groups than I could count. Bipolar sucks. I know that. I really do. Please keep working the medications until you get it right. Focus on what gives you meaning and pleasure. Know that you are loved and that you add to the lives of those that love you.

[@vivian5426]

16 months ago I lost my husband to suicide, most days I feel lost and misunderstood but hearing this I know I'm not alone and I find comfort in this it doesn't lessen the hurt and I'm on a personal journey of healing but it gives me clarity as to what I'm dealing with. God bless you and those on this journey as well.

[@sm3296]

I’ve not seen or heard this message about feeling deadly after a suicide until now, I didn’t name this for myself but I felt so deadly after my sons suicide, that I was scared to be around my newborn grandchild. I thought I could harm her. The guilt and shame was overwhelming and my thoughts were out of control, like a hamster on a wheel in a cage.

[@Dibrm167]

This speaker so gently put to words why this loss is so unique and painful. While wishing there were not a need for it, I also wish there was more talks/helpabout this topic.

[@kevinwilson6645]

Thank you for sharing this talk. Thank you so much.

[@hallbjornthefirebreather8376]

I really really needed this. As much as I believed I wouldn't have any guilt, ive reached the self blame stage of my grief.

[@joannparker1977]

Absolutely excellent talk Dr. Lennon. My best friend's husband took his life last Friday. No words can convey the pain and sadness I feel for her. And for me, I've been in a fog for a week.

[@user-wb2yv7ll9d]

Thanks for the insightful talk, One distinction I'd like to make is that suicidal people do not want to die. What they want is to end the extreme suffering they are experiencing while alive (sometimes this is both mental and physical). The suffering becomes so great that it pushes them away from life and toward death but if the suffering could end they'd prefer not to have to die.

[@quincygarvin3367]

Coming up on a year next month since my dear friend took his own life...and the wound feels so fresh...still...I miss him very much and I was pregnant at the time he took his life. I just wish I could have tried to talk to him but I'm working through my grief

[@cindymaselli4664]

Thank you for speaking these words. As a mother I keep that unfinished book on my shelf also. If you could make a part two, there and four to this II would so appreciate it. You are amazing. Thank you

[@sonniekinneman1093]

I lost my husband by SUICIDE in October 2017 and I think it was one day ago I just can’t get it out of my mind. I miss so much!

[@et1016]

The truth is, you don’t know that you couldn’t have impacted his decision. There’s no way you can know that.

[@SatieSatie]

My bipolar ex-partner and close friend jumped under a train 6 days ago. Being his former caretaker and having studied psychology, I can't help but feel partly responsible for his horrible death; I now realise how his health must have deteriorated after I left him. I was glad that I wasn't directly affected by his episodes and psychosis as I was worn out and exhausted from the relationship. I even made jokes about it. Sometimes I felt slightly annoyed when he sent me a text, fearing he was manic again. I'm still waiting to wake up and see text messages from him on my phone. The guilt and longing are eating me alive. There's also silence. My best friend hasn't contacted me since that day. Some people I told about it didn't even say that they were sorry, they immediately wanted to change topic. This is incredibly lonely. Rest in peace, M.

[@Randomhumaan]

I needed to hear this. Thank you

[@lonicialove]

I needed to see this we forget who we are at times your strongest self sometimes is your lowest your a reminder that I can keep doing this I’m in year 2

[@rolandomaya3352]

As Im laying in bed with my life altered so much from my best friend/brother from another mother took his life by a gun. Leaving me to find him after trying so hard for months because I was afraid, the writing was on the wall. We shared the same sentiments with the idea about taking our own lives being we had experienced the same hardships. Ideation was what I felt a process to accept reality and move forward to continue on living. I tried so so hard to guide him out because we both had to make it out this. As I lay in bed i glance at a gun on the nightstand and pains me to think what he went through. I miss him so much i can’t have my family go through this with me but I’m just so tired. Pressure turns carbon into diamond, how much pressure do we gotta take. I almost feel angry at him because he took away that option for me, that I have to endure, and heal.

[@kimbright2763]

The constant words I hear in my mind is you failed him.

[@Cee12266]

I found My mom after she committed suicide and I cant get that image out of my head. It has affected my ability to focus and leaves me constantly questioning myself. Any help on how to get over this? It has been a constant pain for 3 years in my head and I just want peace.

[@CoreZeroStudios]

I'm sorry. Look into TIR Traumatic Incident Reduction (Therapy) it can get you out of PTSD from this event. Again, so sorry.

[@PrimaWhiteKitty]

Let me make it really easy for you guys to understand all of you non-suicidal ppl out there. Our pain is so All consuming Our pain is so life-destroying Our pain is so immensely soul and mind crushing, that we do *NOT want to be saved. We don't want to be forced to stay here and suffer another day of the most hellish torture. We put it off because we feel guilty about it. We put it off because you tell us we should want to stay here But when it comes down to crossing a line of immense devastating pain with no end, no end at all... We finally decide to MAKE it end. In short, it's not you... it's me.

[@synful8822]

Thank you. I'm trying to heal. I'm trying not to blame myself. I'm trying to understand. Thank you.

[@Dman9fp]

I have been thru a ton of fluctuations & there is a very weird mental state. I can only speculate, but if I had to guess most people who take their lives on a whim most likely experience this. One where feelings seem very rational, that there seems absolutely no hope and the only viable option is to escape. Somehow I haven't had it to max with temptations of taking my life (Not saying those who take their lives are weak, they could've been the stongest brightest warriors. But nobody is free from our inner mind and preseures. And to understand him/her/it inside us and what they tell us, and build resilience even (or especially) when the stuff isn't around is very warranted, if not crucial. Just a fact of the universe prevention of potential issues is much more manageable then mitigation of present issues, but not if it's involved with worry but instead alertness) but I have had it with quitting a job & even at least once when under very heavy stress with my current job which is usually very good. Question the feelings, or wait it out. Yes, it is a cruel joke how other people cannot understand or truly help us-- but we can help ourselves heal. Treat our inner mind as a child, think "will I feel this way in a month? A year? How will I know things will or won't get even partially better?".... Definitely has saved me thru a lot of dire times questioning the universe & my place in it... And reccomend not just fall into the fallacy of accepting because it feels it will only get worse, because it doesn't. Life always gets easier and harder in different ways, no matter what we do. Just depends on what we focus on (Inner mind / subconscious mind Goes by a lot of synonymous terms including but not limited to your heart, gut, intuition, demons, etc etc and people can deny it and just think they're natural feelings but there's definitely a part of the mind that's definitely distinct from the rational part of the mind, And when super stressed especially rational parts go to sleep and the emotional parts come to action to save the day even if we intended it to or not, just how it works-- I've had the misfortune of learning for sure far too many a time) Edit. Also music and humor. Honestly idk how I'd still be here without those hah. Life is harsh yes, nothing can hold back the inevitability of death and humor lifting one's spirit, as it should

[@Stacydsullivan]

So little about this and I am in it now. Struggling. This person was so close to me and it’s be a little over a week.

[@domleah1987]

My best friend killed herself two weeks ago. I am devastated. I feel like a horrible friend..I thought she’d do something I just can’t believe it.

[@DreamNLego.]

Just like a superhero… u can’t save everyone

[@natalietsai418]

thank you for this

[@jmethene]

I was texting my brother minutes before he killed himself. I reacted as quickly as I could (calling police for a welfare check). Now I'm reliving and reading the texts and wonder if I could've done something sooner

[@nimfall]

Thanks for helping me

[@lalakloo7709]

Thank you for sharing

[@lorib5398]

I just don't know or trust how to build a relationship again.

[@indigomarroquin]

that's where i am... ❤

[@mirandarains2808]

Yes it plays with your mind!

[@rickm6232]

I lost my license, car, job and mom to suicide last year. Now am stuck in major depression and can't even work :( I'm on meds but that never helps

[@netrapriya7072]

Focus on mental and physical health dear. It helps me to come out of my depression.

[@preciousblue45]

I hope you find the resources and love you need. Stay strong, you got this. Remember you are not alone and your lost loved ones, and everyone else would want the best for you. Please believe in yourself and focus on your health. I wish you the best ❤️

[@rickm6232]

@@preciousblue45 Thank you hun. I try to live one day at a time but anxiety makes it hard. God Bless!

[@quincygarvin3367]

I'm so sorry for your loss, your depression I know being spiritual helps me through my grief as well as being there for others helps me

[@happinessapp]

Hi rich, hope you are better. It is natural to go trough the sadness of all your posts. If you need help I'm happy to help

[@audreyjones9440]

Thank you.

[@doreen1289]

It’s not a decision, it’s pain and depression.

[@JoeCoxJr]

I would like to reach out to find out more information and possibly speak with you. I have struggled with this most of my life. Coming up in a very abusive background, and my brother lost his life at 29 years old. I just wrote a book “Life Made Simple”. Now, I am writing a book on my struggle with suicide. it started at 11 years old and now I’m 60 years old. A lifetime of questioning, Life value, And the rules for life Today, I’m happily married to the love of my life. I’m now at a good point to write about my journey, my feelings, my emotions, and what stopped me from taking my life several times. Blessings to all. Please reach out if you had any interest in speaking with me Blessings

[@lisak663]

she is absolutely incredible!!!!!🎉🎉😂😂❤

[@HomemakerDaze]

Hearing these stories reminds me to not do this to my child.

[@gillowens24]

One my teacher in high school he died from Suicide

[@Games.Gadgets.Sports]

How i feel

[@VladyslavKL]

🦋

[@sryn2953]

old school war , new school ''suicide''

[@anitahendricks]

[@gregmccarty8476]

Sounds like she's rationalizing.

[@romeovelasco4151]

The knowledge of a loving God who is in Jesus Christ, is the missing dimension in overcoming, conquering and healing from mental and moral crisis. The cause of sickness is moral not clinical and it is called SIN. Healing does not come from science, logic, philosophy nor technology but only from the Truth that sets us free and keeps us free...who is Jesus🕊️ 13:41

[@xXrimjobXx]

Hit every bullseye.

[@pridemuramasa1820]

I like her ears