The Antidote to Over Giving (Strategies to Stop INSIDE!) Codependent Relationships - Terri Cole

[@alysiahite7086]

Recently had a friend tell me that people dont respect me because i give too much. Wow! That was a real eye opener for me and i put the brakes on giving to so called friends. I only give if i feel like it now.

[@ingridr8917]

I’m a retired nurse. I was an over giver since childhood. I tried to be super nurse during my career. Now that I’m retired I over give with my time, money, emotional support even without anyone asking. Now it seems to be expected which makes me very angry and resentful, since I am receiving very little in return. I hope I can stop this awful cycle. I am currently isolating and trying to get therapy through KZbin vids. Thank you for the insight ❤

[@terri_cole]

I see you and feel you ❤️❤️ This video I did last year might provide some more insight: kzbin.info/www/bejne/anOnYqupZqyfmLs

[@sunshine-sm6nf]

I overgive because I thought I was not worth anything. I thought it was me and now I know it was my nparents. They did not value me so I did not value myself. I am working on saying you are enough, always have been, it was them. I went thru a divorce and parents were buddy buddy with my abuse nexhusband, could care less how he treated me and I thought I must not be worth much. Now I know I matter and am worth something.

[@terri_cole]

Yes mama. You matter!

[@Bibian1973]

Same here. 😢

[@paulocl2]

I have another reason to be an overgiver: I am very empathetic and I know that people in need often do not ask for help. I think this is a learned behavior that I got from my parents and maternal grandparents. My father and my two maternal grandparents went through great difficulties in life and it seemed that those times of scarcity were very much alive in their minds and they wanted to reduce the suffering in the world.

[@samkharvey]

paulo c EXACTLY. That is me! I’m am an empath and an extreme over giver. What’s to do?

[@ayshealieva5072]

I always thought that i'm an empath untill i watch Terri's video about auto-accommodation.Well,i know now that i'm both.Need to fix to see how much of it my ancestral mojo

[@elmiraloftin222]

I'm with you on this

[@leopardchicken]

I experienced this with my sister for over 10 years. We were constantly helping my sister who was making horrible choices in her life. We excused her behavior every time we bailed her out of her consequences. My mom would always say "I know she wants to do better but she stays for the kids". After 10 years my mother and I came to the conclusion she never wanted to do better, we just assumed she did. We were just enabling her. Huge wake up call but I no longer try to save others from the consequences of their actions . Most of the time I am selfishly robbing them of their experience, no matter how difficult that may be for them.

[@alienjourney]

Hey, I wanted to say thank you so much for this video.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much for saying so and being here! 💕

[@SlayerPrincess]

**"You had to be utilitarian to be loved"** Nothing has ever rung so true. I felt like I was nothing and didn't deserve to be loved if I didn't do enough. And it was rare to have a day when I felt like I had done enough. And it seemed like the truth because my Mom didn't love if I didn't do enough.

[@Bibian1973]

Exactly my situation too.

[@jillarchi4920]

I blushed & nodded my head at every example , Terri! Thank you for showing each of us that we aren't alone with this issue!

[@terri_cole]

You are definitely not alone, Jill.

[@samkharvey]

I literally cringe watching this, because it’s so accurate in regards to me. Thanks for this..

[@terri_cole]

I'm holding space for you.

[@lauraapotter7911]

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Im in my 50's and seeing how overgiving isnt working for me anymore, this was the answer that i knew in my soul to be true.

[@chrissylong6001]

I wish there was a tactful way to send this to my mother-in-law. I can’t breathe with how much she “gives” to my husband and I. It totally hit home to hear you use the example of being asked to bring one thing and bringing four. Or her constantly doing things without even being asked, which is actually over stepping . I’m so resentful of her at this point.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ Is it possible for you (or your husband) to have a conversation with her about this? You can do it with kindness and compassion. I have a few examples of boundaries with parents here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/pZiUn5aEg7iJjcU

[@Healingtarot630]

Thanks dear Terri for this video. I have been doing this crazy overdoing in my job and always felt unappreciated. I learned this over giving from my mother who always sacrificed her own needs to meet others' needs. It's so unhealthy and I'm thankful that you throw light on such issues...lots of love ❤️

[@priestesspersephone9266]

Great Topic! Being self employed there are times I work for less out of desperation ( fear of not surviving financially ) My narc father was and is extremely controlling with regards to finances. That wound is still evident in my life.

[@kenrichard4575]

Working for less out of desperation is self reinforcing.

[@brokenjellybean]

I set a boundary with my closest friend. I feel like I have done a lot for her and her husband and this that she asked me to do... I just didn't want to. I feel like I should have the freedom in a relationship to say no to something. I grew up in an alcoholic family, so saying no for me is very difficult and it's a big deal. I am making efforts to be healthy not only in body but mind and spirit as well. Setting boundaries is part of that. My friend stopped speaking to me... won't talk to me, return my calls, or text. The issue at hand... is that I won't keep her mother-in-law's dog for them. I am confused and hurt at what seems to me like an extreme reaction. I think my friend doesn't like being told no... and that she is probably stressed out about some things too. This is an uncomfortable position for me to be in. But... I believe I did the right thing. I can't keep saying yes when it's just causing me to become resentful. If I lose a 25 year friendship because of this... then I guess she wasn't the friend I believed her to be.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion, Sofia. It's unfortunate that your friend reacted that way, but I'm glad you set your boundary and stuck to it. It's important that you stay true to you, mama. Sending you strength!

[@brokenjellybean]

@@terri_cole ... thank you, I appreciate your kind words and thoughts.

[@aseeker5982]

I will mention you in my gratitude journal Terri.. Grateful to you and the universe

[@terri_cole]

Thank you, that touches my heart.

[@vius0013]

Thank you for this. I would like to learn how to say no and stop overgiving without getting angry/resentful, this happens all the time in my relationships. I feel that I have gathered so much resentment through my life for feeling that I don't get back the same way that I give... its an endless loop, and as you say, not healthy

[@clairelariviere111]

So good. Thanks Terri Cole. Over giving can be confusing: the compulsion to over commit and over give from a place of lack. Feeling like my worth comes from out there. 😏 This year, I'm doing something every week that makes me feel that I'm connecting to my community during the Holidays. Volunteering with our Hospice to gift wrap at the mall to raise funds. Baking with my elderly mum who can't do it on her own. Participating in fund raising yoga classes generously run by local instructors. Intentionally spending quiet time with a cozy fire and Christmas music. Enjoying the leisure time that my early retirement has gifted me. It's not the movie perfect Christmas with a large extended family but it's all mine and I chose it and I'm really enjoying it.

[@leopardchicken]

I came across you in my algorithm and it is perfect timing. I am having this challenge right now with my teens as a single mom...who also works as a nurse so the over-giving rings loud and true. I am gaining balance in the workplace but I have been noticing the over-giving pattern in my parenting and it has become too heavy. Grateful to find you to help guide us in how to change this. It's exhausting.

[@roverdiem]

That's so important, thank you Terri! I've been working on my overgiving tendencies for a year now, and the work continues, but I already can see how things have changed for the better. I was a person who went broke trying to surprise every single friend. Now for the second time in my life holiday season feels peaceful, because I can say no to unnecessary obligations. But I still feel slightly resentful when people don't ask me for help or when they do, and then I overgive. I believe this is a strategy to avoid my own feelings, but I really don't wanna do this anymore. To reconnect with myself and my body I'm going to treat myself with a floating session))

[@classicrocklover5615]

I think you just identified my internal cycle of self sabotage. I want to please everyone in order to get their praise, so I set the bar high. But I set it so high that I often cannot reach it (I'm the only one expecting me to). Then I feel like a failure and depression raise it's ugly head with negative self talk, etc.

[@terri_cole]

I'm witnessing you with compassion and holding space for you. You can break those old patterns and live in a life of compassion and love.

[@kennethteo7974]

Thank you very much. Very useful. I have been healing from over giving for the past 3 years and I am getting clearer about my inner fears and motives behind the giving.

[@terri_cole]

Right on, Kenneth!

[@breakthroughmoment1647]

You really nailed it in this video. The utilitarian role assigned to the scapegoat in the FOO and deriving one’s self-worth from that, is the precondition for becoming a perpetual people pleaser. It’s not in the doing, it’s about what you THINK. If that’s how you were programmed to think, then you have to reprogram the mind to abandon the mistaken beliefs and replace them with the right way of living. This video couldn’t have come at a better time. Right thinking then would be: “YOU need to think you’re amazing, simply because you’re HERE, simply because you’re ALIVE.” Love this affirmation! Thank you, Terri.

[@hokibru625]

I take a guilt free rest in the afternoon sometimes if im feeling tired. Thank you for your videos they help me heaps. I am learning self care, wish i knew this stuff when i was younger.

[@terri_cole]

I love it ❤️ and so glad to hear my videos are helpful!

[@michellet796]

Thank you! I needed the reminder to work on my self care. I don't know why I have resistance for what should be such a simple thing. Even when I think I've gotten to a good level of acceptance, if I don't keep working at it, I fall into the cycle again. I've been trying to over give a lot less because of all the resentment & hurt it built up for me & how emotionally drained it made me. But it seems like a constant pull that I'll always struggle with. I do it to feel acceptance from people I care about since I had to earn acceptance from all 4 of my parents. I suppose I have to remember that I can't get complacent with self care without falling into the cycle of feeling under valued, etc.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for sharing your experience with us, Michelle ❤

[@jooneemoon]

One of my friends (and I wonder about that description given what is happening) lavishes me with a sack load of gifts at Christmas and on my birthday. I have told her that I find it uncomfortable and embarrassing. She told me that she loves giving but she didn't hear how the excessive nature of her giving impacts on me. She has ignored my request to consider my feelings and continues to present me with multiple gifts. It is excessive. I dread these occasions in relation to her. I once noticed how I was beginning to feel that I needed to match her practice but caught myself and decided that I would stay true to my own way. Now I just take what she gives and pass most of the gifts (that I wouldn't use anyway) to charity shops. It makes me angry that she does not consider how I am embarrassed by what she does. That is why I wonder about the kind of friendship we have if indeed it is a friendship. She's doing what she wants regardless of how I feel about it. What kind of a friend would do that?, I ask myself. If it was a lavishing of the negative kind I could probably report it! I would love some guidance on how to try another approach to tackling this problem. Thank you for posting this as it is a very difficult issue to resolve without some tension or conflict.

[@dreone2008]

Whenever I hear you describe narcissist and co-dependent I feel like you're talkin about my mom for both but if I'm not mistaken you said that a narcissist could not be a codependent and vice versa. I feel like she is a co-dependent to other people in a narcissist towards me

[@joyannesloan8384]

Your perspective on this topic really opened my eyes and helped me see things about my own behavior and my upbringing. Thank you so much for these empowering insights which I can now use to monitor my own unconscious impulses to overcommit.

[@terri_cole]

You are so welcome, thanks for being here ❤️❤️

[@caleuxx9108]

My regular self care is going for walks to process and unwind.

[@MyrtleBeachWebAngel]

Wow. This is a totally different perspective on something I've been doing all my life 😮

[@keminiwai]

Thanks for opening our eyes !

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome!

[@boomerangsruckflug8513]

Thanks Terri! I'm again and still working on my self-love. I also learned to ask myself before I give or help: is it necessary? is he/she able to do it alone? is there someone else who can do that? what's my "real" intention to help/give? Do I really "want" to do it? For Christmas I donate for important things to safe our planet and inform my family about it. That's all. Only my niece (5y.) gets a little present.

[@jillyoung1282]

I loved this. Thank you so much. I’m on the mend from a lifetime of being co dependent.

[@terri_cole]

Witnessing you Jill and cheering you on!!

[@KatrinaandTim]

I hope more people will watch this video. It’s so helpful to me and I think a lot of people need to hear this❤️

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@Gratitudejoy21]

THANK YOU SO, dear Terri🙏🙏🙏SUCH SUPPORT!!! I have more and more noticed that I overgive and noticed the stress it brings to comply. This year, I am sending just a few Xmas cards and am giving money to charity as a present to the family😉

[@terri_cole]

Wonderful! I'm glad you find the video helpful. Keep taking care of yourself.

[@Gratitudejoy21]

@@terri_cole THANK YOU SOOOO, dear Terri!!!! YOU TOO!!!! Eva

[@kanchangupta8546]

Just Great n Thank you

[@garettpringle9899]

Omg this is is a really good video. It was 'yes' to all the questions and I could feel myself blushing. I'm super creeped out and floored at the same time.

[@terri_cole]

Haha I'm glad it resonated with you (but hope it didn't creep you out too much 😉)

[@jollysue6726]

I was just talking to my counselor and friend about this yesterday. I really want to change this about myself..‘‘tis wasn’t a learned behavior from my parents..I wanted ppl to like me when I was a kid bc other kids were jealous of me so I would do things for them to like me. I’m going to treat myself to a massage every month..that’s a start

[@terri_cole]

Real transformation is built on small steps of changed behavior. Go YOU!!!

[@blinditem]

I always give,but no one ever helps me. I'm not someone who begs,when I need help; just can't do it. I've noticed when I speak up about this,they dismiss and mock me. I will be helping anyone anymore,only my mom.

[@tinap2182]

Absolutely amazing i totally recognise myself thanks so much terri just found your vids by accident and i love them .you are awesome. Many thanks for helping me way more than you could ever know.

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome! I am so delighted to hear this, and I am glad you're here.

[@EmilyDavis-m2x]

I think I over give to my friends because i really care about them and I never want them to feel the way i do. What I want is for them to feel loved, cared for, appreciated, accepted, supported, and taken care of. And giving is how I show my love and affection to my friends. But deep down I never feel as though my love and affection is ever good enough. It keeps me in a cycle of having to prove that my love for them is enough. And that I myself as a person am enough to keep them around so that they won't ever want to leave and disappear on me. But most often they end up leaving because I "smother them" and make them want to leave because they can't breathe. Or I "smother them" and then I want to leave because I end up feeling drained, exhausted, and unloved. And I hate myself for wanting to believe a friendship should be mutual. I feel as though my friends don't give enough. And I feel it's one sided. That they give the bear minimum and then call it love. While I'm left feeling neglected and used. How do I break the cycle. Everytime I start setting any kind of boundaries and stand on them I get severely punished and get kicked out on the streets. I said "No." To eating garbage salad that had bugs in it. And my last roommate threw a remote at me. All these experiences keep me trapped in the cycle of over giving and following orders inorder to keep myself safe and not be abandoned at the end. My friends are sick and all I want to do is go over their house and make them soup and tea and clean up (cause I can't leave a mess for them) and cry until they are no longer are sick. I just want to do everything to make sure they are taken care of. Hug them. Color them pictures and anything else to make them feel better. I'm trying not to cry right now as I'm writing this out. I hate being away from them and not being able to do anything to help them.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ I think a powerful question you might want to ask is, who are you when you are not helping your friends? Who are you if you are not giving value to others? I have another video on this here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/anOnYqupZqyfmLs For what to do about boundaries being rejected, I have this video: kzbin.info/www/bejne/rGK4gmubZb9_n7s I hope this helps ❤️

[@zoelove9739]

Thank you so much, It save me. I need to stop over giving .

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome.

[@luisakinas5514]

Amazing work. Congrats! 🙏🏻

[@rafaelmoro9114]

I did that to myself till now and it's hard see that and see how it destroy your contact with yourself.

[@DiptiRai7]

Thank you so much! I needed this.

[@daughtertheresa4210]

omg i really needed to hear this, all of it

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad it resonated! 🥰

[@ritamorrisguynup44]

I'm a giver because my mother was stingy all her life. I hated that in her. Even today I hate stingy people.

[@MariaG-xh9il]

AMAZING. Very well explained. ❤

[@eryca7066]

You definitely just described me.

[@Tutume1111]

I feel I invest too much for none of the reasons mentioned in the vid but because Im bilingual and have no family no close friends and still hold a foreign accent which is often undervalued and makes me feel as if I dont fit in.This makes me to work harder to prove my worth to others

[@terri_cole]

That makes so much sense. Thank you for sharing with us, and I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️

[@SEACRUZNY]

Thank you.

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome!

[@user-s3ts8my2x]

thank you

[@jaronmcneil]

Thank you Ms Terri!-

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome.

[@jeanettedellicarpini5616]

Great subject

[@cheynaforehand8814]

amazing video......so helpful!!!

[@gloria6498]

I wanted to leave a relationship but the guy raged at me for it and made me feel guilty for wanting to leave, so for me it was emotional manipulation . Somehow I couldn't leave unless I had permission and he wasn't upset with me.

[@terri_cole]

Witnessing you Gloria. The only person that needs to give you permission is yourself. You do not deserve that kind of treatment in a relationship. Sending you strength.

[@madicortesano]

AMAAAZING

[@terri_cole]

Thank you!

[@flyingcheff]

It's tough to comment when asked to (this stuff is so personal and commenting is a form of opening up and being vulnerable - and brave) and then receive no response... (ouch, kinda scary), especially when you need one and are willing to participate, willing to do the work.

[@terri_cole]

Hi Gabby! I see you. Thank you for sharing. Yes, opening up is vulnerable and I am here to witness you and your process. If you'd like a bit more privacy for your shares, maybe you would enjoy my private Facebook group Real Love Revolution for women only. Keep doing the work.

[@cadavera6.6.6.]

Maybe Terri can answer this: What is the difference between overgiving and love bombing? Is it the motivating factor? The intent behind the action? Or, is it basically the same thing?

[@terri_cole]

Hi there Monie. Both are often motivated by the desire to control the outcome. Often in each case there is a lack of self love and over giving or love bombing is a way to seek love and validation from others. Overgiving is often at the expense of oneself. Hope this helps.

[@pebblebrookbooks4852]

My narcky mom said it best - "Help is control."

[@AT-qq9fe]

This is so me...

[@ekeneisaac3974]

Thank you Terri. I keep doing things for my boyfriend who always turns his back on me. I still feel his pain even when we break up, and I feel I must help. Am I codependent? What do I do please?

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome Ekene. I see you, and you are definitely not alone in being stuck in this kind of cycle. The 3 questions I mention (and include in the worksheet) will help you get started on the work to break the cycle. Sending you much love.

[@ekeneisaac3974]

@@terri_cole You replied! Thank you so much.

[@alisejankovska9125]

I grew up where I had to earn love... so I tried hard😏 as a kid... Now I am trying not to... I wish I could become more selfish😊

[@terri_cole]

I'm cheering you on. Get in tune with your needs and ask for what you want. You matter!

[@bernicetrujillo9694]

❤

[@everydayisbrandnewdayihave6709]

I am not playing God! Superwoman Costume doesn't work!