The Anxious Preoccupied & Fearful Avoidant Relationship - 5 Tips | Attachment Styles & Relationships

[@karencoleman6800]

1. break down codependency/each have balance in life 2. have boundaries 3. work thru our own personal core wounds 4. manage expectations w/each 5. validate one another's emotion

[@Katrica670]

"I'm setting this boundary cause I want this relationship to work and I realize it's a bit codependent, i want us to be balanced, so I'm seeking growth." Beautiful beautiful beautiful! 😍😍😊😊❤❤

[@johnp4548]

Friendly reminder to anyone in a relationship (or no longer in one) with a FA: "Empathy without self-respect will always lead to self-sabotage because you'll always see the good in people, but you'll use that as a way to justify them hurting you."

[@jnfrspears]

Such an important point! I needed to hear this again. The book Attached mentions how Secure people are more likely to forgive and stay because of this + their concept of interdependence (--you stick by people who are down or suffering). It is essential to also know when to let someone go.

[@superdupeninja8149]

💯

[@BeHappyNoMatterWhat]

So good, thank you and so true. I took a screenshot of this.

[@SS-in1ts]

Love this so much

[@SangheiliSpecOp]

@@BeHappyNoMatterWhat Same. Thank you

[@grossliz1995]

Still watching the series even after I lost the "center of my world". I know he is never coming back but it helps with the healing process. As much as retrospection hurts, I at least can see how he felt. ❤

[@grossliz1995]

@@Alphacentauri819 That is exactly what happened. Thank you for the well wishes!

[@Katrica670]

@@grossliz1995 awww sorry to hear that! 😭😭 you'll be fine! ❤❤😊😊 P.s. are you the AP or FA?

[@daniellediaz2516]

@@grossliz1995 They always come back. Just wait and see.. the moment you start to heal, get over them, move on with your life, and regain a sense of normalcy..... BOOM 💥.... there they are! And in that instance, it'll be up to you too decide if you want them back or if you're better off without them.

[@siryoucantdothat9743]

Its trying to become the father and the mother you never had for yourself and be your own authority figure because the authority figures have deemed unworthy and failed us, no wonder most of us are criminals or drug addicts and absolute mess, to deal with constant fear that the world is not safe because we were given a scrap to go with against life , the funny thing is these parents have never gave any real constructive criticism to guide us maybe help us with anything with what little we had it was zero from their side on top of other disdainful comments because we didnt fit their internal twisted mirror of how their perfectly perfect children who were abused yet still shine without their intervention

[@deathsheadtarot7875]

As an FA myself I have had this dynamic with AP partners....I had to learn how to speak up and communicate my boundaries. But first I had to figure out what my boundaries were.....I was so used to giving whatever my partner would want even if I felt my sense of self disappearing until I couldn't any longer and then I would shut down and pull away. I understand not every everyone is working on their wounds and have found my communication with some AP partners to actually backfire and causing hurt. But I have worked to refine how I share my boundaries, when I share them.... right away or as soon as possible, and ask for them to share their thoughts and feelings around my boundaries so I can clear up any negative triggers on my part. Thanks mostly to this amazing lady and her knowledge I've been able to work on this! 🙏

[@Rachelisalilcute]

I’m an anxious preoccupied and my boyfriend is a fearful avoidant. We have the most beautiful peaceful relationship with almost zero issues. But we have WONDERFUL communication. It is crucial to have communication! With any attachment style, even. We definitely have realized early on that boundaries and communication is what makes our relationship successful.

[@WildflowerbyNature]

I'm in the same sort of situation except I'm the FA. Communication is so incredibly important

[@lyndseyglueck6342]

I am anxious preoccupied with FA, as well. We’ve been together for 3 years, and I felt the same way. Our communication was great, our boundaries realistic & reciprocally respected, and heated conflicts were basically non-existent. A few months ago, my love story began to dissipate into a reality I’d never been acquainted with, nor had I really considered the possibility that the relationship I thought we had was quite different.

[@Michael-es9xw]

@@lyndseyglueck6342 can you please explain what happened? Not asking for personal details, just the dynamics that led to the end of the relationship. Thank you so so much ❤️

[@onewayticket2148]

I am anxious preoccupied and I think my boyfriend is fearful avoidant. We are in the very early stages of our relationship and I really need some advice. I have trouble with communication but I am ready to open up to him completely. I am just scared that he doesn’t feel the same way with me. How do I get him to open up too? I feel I only want to do it if I know he will reciprocate. I am really scared he won’t.

[@SS-in1ts]

@@lyndseyglueck6342 I’m so sorry. I have been through this once. I loved and trusted him so much. Hardest relationship I’ve ever had to move on from and still sad about it sometimes. I was in a really good place, I didn’t know he wasn’t.

[@bernardzsikla5640]

I have experienced this dynamic 6 times in the past 11 years and although those experiences have initiated growth and self awareness in my own behavior, it has been terribly painful lessons. There is saying that people change only when they have no other option or when they are so completely and utterly tired living life on repeat. I certainly hope I have and you all are past that point in our lives, and that there isn't other choice but to be the person we were always capable of being.

[@marykardys]

Needed that, thank you

[@calmingbabysleep1256]

We change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing.. read it somewhere

[@MellowBellow1]

Taking things personally and criticising the other for you taking things personally is an absolute intimacy killer. It is so draining to the person NOT taking things personally ( the secure one ). It’s like constantly being asked to be babysat because the one who takes things personally never seems to learn to be an adult. If you take things personally, it’s a REALLY good place to start to stop doing that.

[@Ryan-yg7zc]

Do you think the FA would find needing to validate the AP as per Thais final point re: abandonment an unattractive quality? From my experience the FA are attracted someone who doesnt engulf them and who has a strong sense of self and a busy life eg DA quality. This clip is spot on, my FA just had very little insight into her attachment style even after we discussed attachment styles. Most intense relationship and Ive never felt so in love ever or like Ive finally found my person for life only to be dumped 4 years on. Now my life has become about recovery, healing my abandonment wound, dealing with depression and anxiety for the first time in my life and trying to make sense of it all.

[@kellyliebbe8674]

I am about 65% secure and 35% AP but my ex was a high FA! We were together 13 yrs and just divorced last Spring. It never felt like he fought to save the relationship like I did and he made me feel rejected and like he wasn't attracted to me. He was very passive and severely emotionally disconnected. I didn't discover these videos until we filed but we both feel there is so much truth to all this! Wish we would have known years ago before too much water was under the bridge. It might have saved our marriage. ♡

[@CostonFrijoles]

i like how fast you talk!

[@tucky3191]

Me too. Perf pace for my comprehension lol

[@kellygaitten1551]

Yes!! Thank you!! Unmet expectations for AP can be worse than actions. I am more aware now.

[@StylesArmstrong]

I'm a AP and my best friend I'm pretty sure is FA. I will ask for clarification and or transparency in certain moments but he says ''well why do I need to clarify it as u should just respect my boundaries'' He takes it like I'm attacking him. How do go about that? cause when he thinks I'm attacking him, I feel like are bond is strong enough that he should care to want to communicate and bring transparency and then I feel he doesn't care about me enough to do so. and then I shutdown cause I don't want to ruin the relationship. Any suggestions? Like what can I say in response to that?

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

Asking for more transparency and receiving it. Some people need examples of what that looks like. These words and skills are new for many! Transparency can be super helpful. Also managing expectations. Such important skills and being given some wiggle room to practice. To acknowledge and appreciate when it happens!

[@Katrica670]

@LaVon Roe I realized I've grown soooo much; I'm so different now! I used to always be afraid of hurting people's feelings (in my life), now I assertively, and obviously discreetly tell people how I feel, then they tell me too! 😊😊❤❤😍😍

[@b.k.1925]

Exactly what happened to the doom of my relationship. As a AA codependent, my FA decided to end our relationship nearly one week ago. Practicing NC and redirecting care and attention to myself. ♥️

[@klaysmith9675]

I’ve gone over 2 months thinking I didn’t do anything wrong and my ex panicked and left. I think you pointed out what I actually did. She was the FA. I’m the AP. She had a friend that was coming to visit. I had been invited to meet the person. They were going to do something the day before we all got together. The way she talked it sounded like they were going to be pretty close, I had suggested they could drop by and say hello on their way. She definitely seemed panicked and told me why they couldn’t. Almost making excuses. To me it wasn’t s big thing. But I guess for her it was losing some freedom. A couple days before she left me another similar situation came up where she was needing to go home to finish moving down here. It had been talked about that I could go with her. But this time she says she’s going months earlier than originally planned. I asked if I should take off work to go with her. She panicked so hard she was squirming in her seat. She made every excuse as to why I shouldn’t and I was completely puzzled. I was offering to be helpful. And I guess she took it as clingy and losing her freedom. Well when she broke it off she did mention there’s some things she has to do on her own. The problem was she just never actually communicated that. As an AP, I guess I’m naturally someone who tries to please people and I thought I was just being a good boyfriend by saying. “Hey, if you need something I don’t mind helping you out.” I guess I had that all wrong.

[@SangheiliSpecOp]

The way you described everything here, especially the beginning thing with the friend (I obviously have very limited context) makes it seem like they were hiding something. I'm an AP and reading this triggered me as well... I'm sorry you had to go through this

[@BeHappyNoMatterWhat]

I had the same thought as the above commentor that it feels they were hiding something/embarrassed of something. I think you did the right thing by asking them to say hi and also offering to help. That's what someone who cares does. You didn't do anything wrong.

[@SangheiliSpecOp]

@@BeHappyNoMatterWhat agreed :)

[@ineedhoez]

I'm an FA and this triggered me.

[@hspinnovators5516]

You sounded mature and normal. This is heaven for another AP.

[@StefTechSurfer]

I found being tightly coupled together can work sometimes but as an FA also requires individual space / freedom away from the person but probably not too much.

[@StefTechSurfer]

We ended up buying separate units. Very costly and affecting quality of life and fearful.

[@StefTechSurfer]

My 4 year on and off "relationship" currently off :(

[@Katrica670]

Wait what...I didn't know that we should ask someone, "Does this mean I'm being abandoned and/or unloved?" 😱😱👀👀🧐🧐

[@btchiang]

I love these series !!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Glad you like them :) -PDS team member

[@StefTechSurfer]

How about forgiveness in this relationship?

[@authorsnehanarayanan1191]

As a FA, I would any day choose to be with AP, than a DA 😭

[@cappygurl]

Funny that you say that, because I'm an FA who has never been with an AP probably because I lean anxious my self. I still haven't had a relationship with an anxious been with secure leaning DA and DAs in general. I am with a DA now that I am healing and over 50% secure and which I had sworn off after learning about attachment styles. The funny thing is I'm such and independent and highly functioning FA that my DA is helping me be less codependent, the freedom I feel is helping keep my other relationships going strong. Where in the past I wanted to feel enmeshed and codependent. Never rule out an attachment style they all have something valuable to teach us.

[@authorsnehanarayanan1191]

@@cappygurl congratulations on your progress ❤️ My current partner is a DA, he fell in love with me at first sight, I wasn't interested in him. It took me four years to reciprocate his love back, after which he stopped putting efforts, ghosted me, never initiated, took 2-3 days to reply to my texts. He is a wonderful person, the kindest human being I know but he is severely avoidant, because of which I feel unworthy, not priortized and unhappy with him & lean AP now. I would any day prefer an AP over DA, I would be okay with a man putting me on pedestal, & treating me like a queen, than a man who doesn't ever bother texting back

[@cappygurl]

@@authorsnehanarayanan1191 I am sorry, my DA is not that bad, also he had done some therapy and reads personal development books. Also he is the one that told me, we have come this far, I am not going anywhere. You know attachment styles run on a spectrum, mine might be a little more secure. I hope you find the right partner for you, no matter the attachment style. Also let me tell you I have been there and felt all that and I ran away from relationships because of being triggered. I have been a major runner.

[@authorsnehanarayanan1191]

@@cappygurl I am so happy for you that this is working. Your partner sounds wonderful ❤️ Mine won't leave me ever & truly loves me a lot but it's a long distance, we are in different cities & the only means of communication is phone & he never calls or texts. And when I text, he doesn't bother responding to half of my texts. So there is no communication. I might as well be single 😭

[@ComradeFromRhody401]

Same! Like literally any day. FA people are some of the sweetest and kindest people on earth. Trauma is a mother Effer. DA folks just seem incredibly selfish and self-centered

[@timhill7177]

Any advice on being an FA with another FA? Love the channel. Always to the point and very compassionate.

[@shegrowsingreenville]

Thank you SO much for this, Thais!!

[@navneethsriram4024]

Please make a video on a opposite sex friendship between an AP and FA.

[@dentrout9383]

Ill just tell my boyfriend "you can have friends just not gay friends" or males;)

[@roliv7199]

As I'm listening to this, I'm wondering why I don't do the boundary/transparency. This is a great idea. I realized that is because I could be picking partners that I know will feel I'm asking too much or be labeled as being too much (especially if it's early on in the relationship). This is my biggest fear of "being too much, they are going to think I'm crazy bc I'm so needy. I should be ok with any changes and not seem again 'too much work". I'm wondering if finding a more healthy evolved partner can really change this idea I have or not? I honestly don't think I've ever had a healthy partner!!! Plus wonder if I'm so preprogrammed to not voice the boundary/transparency bc of so many years of emotional abuse from an ex (22 years). Now trying to date again has been the biggest learning experience and listening to your videos actually makes me feel heard,seen, and understood. My goal is finally getting this right. You are truly amazing and I'm so glad you have a lot of your content available for free. ❤️ Life changing and challenging. Thank you so much!

[@kodyparis7521]

Check the facts with your expectations

[@ddeenniizz0]

can DA be co dependent?

[@buffyhettinger9305]

I find the videos, very helpful and interesting. However, I do feel that the needs of the avoidants are focused on more than the anxious. How can the anxious person get their needs met when the other person is always running from them and shutting them out?

[@rebecca_stone]

Great question! I agree. I feel like there tends to be more emphasis on stabilising the FA. I feel like us APs must learn to be more skilled at asking for what we need in a way that isn't really charged and comes across scary to others, FA or not. I've found the only way I've been able to do that is if I sit with myself first and not shame myself or hate myself for what I'm feeling. It brings a lightness into it that has helped me ask my FA partner for what I need and have him hear me and come closer.

[@jupiter5487]

Plz do FA and FA

[@dentrout9383]

Thats my boundary!

[@Jamy528]

This was really good. 👍💜

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

Ahh and being mindful about requests rather than demands.

[@jammiedodger5243]

10:00

[@K-A5]

4:30 (personal timestamp)

[@djenning90]

This is spot on!

[@ineedhoez]

I simply cannot with APs. I was actually pretty hostile towards them. Your work made me more compassionate. I still won't date them though. It requires too much work on my part. I simply cannot take on the level of effort required to date them. I am busy managing my own FA shenanigans. I can't handle theirs.

[@rebecca_stone]

Lol! My favourite comment on here :) I think the feeling is often mutual in the opposite direction, FA ;-)

[@jopainting1668]

​@rebecca_stone definitely.

[@StefTechSurfer]

What if you highly miss and value them?

[@amishagupta9321]

How can I become a Attachment theory therapist or councellor

[@MarcillaSmith]

Are you already in clinical practice and looking to specialize, or looking to enter the counseling field?

[@authorsnehanarayanan1191]

You can take up PDS course from thais gibson & then may be a Udemy course , & I guess you can start with attachment style therapy ❤️

[@ComradeFromRhody401]

You have to have a degree to be called a therapist or counselor, but you could be a “dating coach“ without getting sued to high heavens and facing serious legal charges

[@lesliejohns987]

I love your channel but you talk too fast .. I can slow you down on my phone but for the life of me .. I can’t from my TV.. I believe your channel would grow immensely if you could talk slower.. not trying to be mean in any way but making constructive criticism.. Even if your videos were longer , it would be so much easier to comprehend what you were saying.. thank You for taking this into consideration..😊🙏🏻♥️

[@ComradeFromRhody401]

That’s funny I don’t think she talks fast I think she talks normal speed. I speed it up to 1.75 so I can get through it before my ADHD takes over and I have to rewind it 10 times because I’ve zoned out

[@tucky3191]

Adhder here too and I think the pace is *chefs kiss* lolol. I’ve noticed she has slown down since her earlier videos! I think it would be easier for us to adjust our video settings than for her to have to adjust how she is used to speaking but I also get that it’s not always possible on a tv.

[@ootenba5910]

Thought the same! Normally I speed up, but this is going a bit too fast for me too 😅

[@kittycat4378]

I have ADHD and the pace is perfect, I think some on-screen text could help with the video tho!

[@tucky3191]

@@kittycat4378 if you click the cc it will turn on closed captions as well!!

[@StefTechSurfer]

9:59 wow that is so me, especially being jobless for awhile.

[@ComradeFromRhody401]

Can you please please please do a deeper dive on two fearful avoidants dating? I know you did one before but I feel like it lacked detail