How The Anxious Preoccupied Feels During A Relationship With A Fearful Avoidant & What To Do!

[@melc_91]

Dated one for 3 months, such a warm, nice and caring person but his communication was off. There was no indication that he was a player. Three weeks ago he disappeared didnt even hear from him for my birthday which we were planning for. Anyways I am not accepting this and wish him well!

[@Kareena1988]

Obviously he was "too much" for you Mel C. 😉

[@hannahdewinter5515]

That's terrible, I'm so sorry...

[@melc_91]

@@hannahdewinter5515 yup im still a bit sad about it....but im movin on...

[@1989juud]

Oh i am so sorry to hear that.. I can understand it makes you feel very sad. Good for you for not accepting this, i hope you find someone how treats you with love and care.

[@melc_91]

@@1989juud thank youuu😊

[@henryzhao4622]

The saddest thing ever is the AP’s trust being stolen and then being abandoned.

[@TCON42499]

Nobody will make a video talking about that though. The avoidant is always right. For the AP it’s damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

[@jd6331]

I fear I'll never be able to fully trust anyone again. I'm so scared of giving my all for the same thing to happen... 😞

[@henryzhao4622]

@@jd6331 my advice is slow and steady, true friendship first. That way, there is always a safety net.

[@sheilam5991]

I think there definitely needs to be a video for the flip side of this dynamic. It's not just the AP's responsibility to solve this dynamic. The FA has has a role in healing too.

[@AliceInHiding]

Ap always wanting others to do something..... we can only control ourselves. If someone is not giving u what u need maybe move on instead of demanding!

[@mollysreadings4845]

​@@AliceInHiding APs aren't necessarily demanding. Both people need to make an effort.

[@joarthmartin5794]

@@AliceInHiding you sound like a dismissive avoidant

[@nickgrant834]

I totally agree I would love to see a video on the reverse of this one because atm it seems like there hadn't been a video on this yet! Fingers crossed. I am an Ap in a relationship with an Fa and the hot cold active deactive makes it incredibly challenging for the relationship

[@mollysreadings4845]

@@nickgrant834 it's very challenging. They fear abandonment but then if they are too vulnerable or feel (correctly or incorrectly) you are trying to control things or even have expectations of them they distance.

[@notsoanonymous686]

I’ve been struggling the past 10 months as an AP, since my FA left… she asked for space, and I stepped back. That was the last time I heard from her. We’d discussed boundaries, and I’d asked her to do one thing: say goodbye, if it ever came to it. That was all. …she never said goodbye. And, I’ve been going in circles trying to figure out what I did wrong, what I could’ve done, and if I’m that terrible of a person. I’ve reached out for life milestones, wishing her well. But, no response. (It still hurts.) …I’m just writing this out because, I suppose, it’s a little therapeutic for me. I appreciate your channel and what you’re doing - thank you, Thais. 🙏🏽

[@melc_91]

sigh these people hate giving closure..

[@alllscination]

I'm very sorry to hear that this is happening to you! I think I have without meaning to or because I was overwhelmed ghosted people in the past. I have also been on the receiving end of getting no closure from another FA myself. It can be really tough. Have you tried to ask her directly for closure? As an FA myself I really aprreciate transparency and people who are capable of articulationg their needs openly and responsibly without demanding and blaming. That seems to be a common FA thing. You could tell her that you tried to connect with her because you still miss her and would like to have her in your life. And that after you tried to connect repeatedly take her continued silence to mean that she is not interested in continuing the relationship anymore. If that is the case, while you are sad, you can respect her descision and leave her be if that is her wish. And then you could explain that it would help you to move on and heal the loss of your relationship if she could let you know that she wants to close that door indefinitely. And lastly ask if she was willing to do that for you.

[@notsoanonymous686]

@@melc_91 I appreciate the sentiment. And while being on the receiving end is painful, I give her the benefit of the doubt - I don’t think her intention was to hurt me or even leave me without a sense of closure. Obviously, I “feel” otherwise. But in (trying to) recognize that she has her own traumas & while I don’t completely understand the FA’s perspective, I empathize. That’s not to say she shouldn’t have tried to understand how I feel - I deserve closure. …but, that is my personal journey. I’ve learned a lot about myself and my relationship dynamics. But because I’m still suffering, I take that a sign: I’ve yet to learn something more, even still. I wish you well on your journey, my friend.

[@notsoanonymous686]

@@alllscination I genuinely appreciate your response. 🙏🏽 Thank you for offering me insight from another perspective. If I can be vulnerable for a moment: I’m afraid to reach out, again. It’s taken ALOT out of me to put myself out there and expose myself to rejection, when she means so much to me. I see the pattern and the likely outcome is continued silence. I know, I’m assuming, but that’s where I’m at… *sigh* But, you offer a valid point: I haven’t told her that I’ve been suffering. And that I needed that goodbye… I also don’t beg or chase, which I know isn’t what you’re saying. It’s hard for me to articulate it, but it feels like trying to contact/connect with her after all this silence & failed attempts is in some way similar (if that makes sense). *For context I’ve reached out twice over the past 10 months. …I’d like to reach out again, as you’re suggesting, but I think, I’m better off looking inward and finding my own solace. I’m at a point where, I simply want to accept the circumstance. I wish her no ill; in fact, I wish her well and hope she’s living her best life. (But, I do miss her.) In any case, I appreciate you and your response. Truly.

[@tamtamr9081]

@@notsoanonymous686 i truly hope you will find the closure you need , and the peace of mind and strength to accept and let go .. i can feel your pain.. but trust me it will pass.. we have all been there ..do whats best for you, send a text or dont send.. just do what you think will help you. its time to focus on yourself

[@alainpatry]

Got notified of this video while on travel ...and it couldn't be more telling. The seat next to me is empty... but was purchased for my FA partner! She was going to finally meet my family which is a privilege I don't give just anyone. But of course, that meant we were going to get deeper in our commitment. Well...that was too much for her I guess so she pulled all stops to sabotage the relationship and find a way out of this event. She has massive trust issues, apparent since the beginning...but because I'm an AP and wear my heart of my sleeve, and always seek deeper connection, I thought she would relax and trust into that... But no...so 2 weeks ago, not satisfied with the truth, she decided to circumvent healthy conversation and resort to deceitful practices in order to find something that would justify distancing herself again. She violated my privacy and broke my own trust by doing what some would call psycho or stalker. But even after that, and finding nothing, she kept believing her false narrative just the same. Despite that, as the AP I was open to discussing her toxic behaviour in a healthy way using approaches learned here. But despite my reaching out, I got ghosted... Until as predicted, the exact moment of our scheduled departure, with her safely at home, no longer feeling threatened by the trip, she messaged me to say she's sorry she couldn't come and how sad that is. I know her patterns so well now thanks to these videos. But she doesn't own it. I personally believe that AP AND FA can make it work but both have to show up especially if marriage is a common goal.... In my case, she doesn't show up ...as literally illustrated here, and that's massively disappointing. Thank you Thais for dropping this video at the perfect time ! You helped soothe my anxiety and empower me while I sat next to the empty seat for hours!

[@nellautumngirl]

I'm sorry. Just know that your willingness to communicate relationship issues is gold with the right partner. In my opinion, communication is the most important thing in a relationship! And realizing when you're asking something the other cannot give 😔

[@fxtrdr4]

Ugh, sorry man. Tough story

[@hanmanteomkar]

similar boat, it gets better. in the grand scheme of things you are better off.

[@Mel-tw6qv]

I’m a FA woman and just sabotaged my relationship. If it makes you feel better she feels like absolute garbage right now. The regret is deep.

[@hanmanteomkar]

@@Mel-tw6qv can you try and communicate the same to your partner? you still might have a chance to fix this.

[@suzywilliams4424]

When I need space it's usually because my nervous system has been triggered and is going haywire. I need at least 3 days to process and calm down before I can see and trust the other person again. If the other person tries to communicate with me before my prefrontal cortex comes online it compounds my distrust and fear that I am unsafe. Their convincing feels like manipulation. I see my role in that situation to communicate that I need space. Unfortunately, for me, I can't put a timeline on my process. If I say, hey I'll speak to you in three days, it won't help my feelings if being unsafe, I'll just feel anxious and fearful about the conversation in three days and my amygdala won't calm down. It takes as long as it takes, and I have to give myself that time to feel safe again. It's sad that this happens but it's a consequence of being abused in previous relationships. I do my best to feel into my previous trauma rather than what's happening in the now. But it's hard to decipher whether the fear I feel is coming from the current situation or my past.

[@xrrrismickey]

Then stay out of relationships. Sounds like you really are incapable of being in one. Get a dog. Actually, LOL, I suggest a cat, and stop wasting people's time. (start playing tiny violin...) LOL.

[@filippersson5256]

Not easy finding whole partners these days.. 💙

[@BMissall]

Agreed. Trauma bonding is today's goto relationship for most.

[@brookelight2090]

I feel like when the FA runs away, he is scared first but then he want to see if you chase them. As if chasing is a true sign of caring. But they are using the chase as a manipulative way. Whereas DA runs away genuinely, they don’t want you to chase. They want space.

[@brookelight2090]

Ok. Now I think FA runs away for a day and immediately want you to chase them. Whereas DA runs away for more than 4 months then start to want you to chase after them as a way to feel in control. Both are toxic

[@emmaa4595]

I couldnt agreed more my ex FA said he ended it with his ex (before me) and she didn't chase him - so she didn't really love him, because she didn't chase.

[@BLUE_FLUFF]

Tbh i ran away as an FA and didnt want to be chased. I just came back when I had healed and my partner understood and had healed too. Maybe I am just lucky

[@KatherineCAnderson]

I'm frustrated by the fact that the FA seems to dictate the relationship entirely... 😕 the AP feels like they should just say f-you to the FA and move on... but maybe I'm just angry right now.

[@helenaasousa]

I Feel Every one of your words! You are not alone in that angry feeling! Much Love❣️

[@anzelaiv]

Independence is key. The more independent partner will always set the pace of the relationship and the dependent one will be forced to follow because they emotionally rely on their partner. It's not an equal adult relationship, it's a parent-child relationship. It's the same for DA/AP, FA/AP, DA/FA, and even FA leaning DA/FA leaning AP respectively. That's why we first have to work on our own problems, strengthen our own sense of self and only then build healthier relationships, instead of focusing on our partner's behavior and calling it "doing the work".

[@nitacollins3645]

@@anzelaiv low emotional needs and no sense of reciprocity. DAs dont show no responsibility or accountability huge factors of being an adult relationship. talk about the child leading the child

[@dantepatel]

I'm a fearful avoidant, and I'd like to say I'm sorry. If he's anything like me, he can't really help it. Trusting is REALLY hard. And feeling like I'm being forced to trust just triggers my fight or flight. However, I REALLY do care about the love of my life- I like to think I care deeper about her than anyone else. But it's almost if that deep care IS the problem. Like, I want to make the girl LITERALLY the happiest girl on the planet, but I'm not sure if I'm capable of actually doing that. And if she does something that I don't like, then I can get weirdly angry- because my brain tells me she is manipulating me... Idk, I think if you can make him feel loved for who he is, you can make it work.

[@nitacollins3645]

I dont think you got anything I said. but with the defensiveness, I think its obvious you are biased.

[@kcslp4412]

I am an AP dating an FA and this happened exactly 2 weeks ago. Only difference is when I noticed the distance with phone calls, I lost it!!….. but not in front of him. The next day, I told him that I was feeling very reactive and needed to take space from him for balance. He said he understood and would wait. Its been 2.5 weeks with no contact and now I am ambivalent. I want it to work, but have doubt that it can. I miss him, but not the anxiety. I don’t know what to do next or how to come out of this. Please help! He’s a great guy.

[@edwardstill8995]

After 4 months I went on vacation with her and her daughter to meet her other daughter after a few days, on vacation, something changed. After we returned she left me after 48 hours. She said she felt trapped and had fear of abandonment. I was so confused until I started my own healing journey.

[@ConceptHut]

Trapped and abandoned. No idea how you can feel both at same time.

[@anzelaiv]

@@ConceptHut Easy. You feel trapped by the way things are but fear being abandoned if you ask for what you need to stop feeling trapped, things like more space, freedom, not being relied on and responsible for your partner's feelings all the time.

[@saintultra2737]

I hope you are free of them. These people cannot be helped, it comes from within or they end up ruining every relationship and connection they have. Fuck that, live your life.

[@ScottH7651]

My jaw was on the floor as you were describing the exact dynamic of my last relationship. here I am 6 months later still thinking about what went wrong. We got off to a very fast start and we both fell hard for each other and then she suddenly felt overwhelmed and ejected. I tried to discuss it but she wasn't willing. It was a short relationship but I thought I finally found my person. I know that she loved me.

[@elizabethrace5406]

Terrible to hear you were affected by a hurricaine! Glad you're in a safe place. 😊

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

I believe if someone finds themselves in the AP pattern, that's the perfect sign for someone to get back to themselves step by step as opposed to trying to navigate any relationship with an insecure attachment style. What do you think?

[@anonymousanonymous9797]

sending love and support to you and to everyone effected by the hurricane. thank you for being here for us through all of this. namaste xx

[@bad003]

Amazing!! You’re the only person on KZbin that can explain attachment styles in a way that’s so easy to understand, thank you for this very necessary content! 🙏🏾

[@missamberpalmer]

I'm an FA who got out of a tortuous relationship with a DA 6 months ago. I was anxious the entire time and finally called it quits cause I felt used and neglected the whole time and felt I needed to get back my dignity... Now I've been seeing a guy for 1 week who I am guessing is a major AP cause he literally seems to want me to move in with him and has already asked me to be his girlfriend. This feels amazing, especially after my last relationship where I had to beg to see him... but now my avoidant side is kicking in and I'm feeling panicked... so much fun being an FA, every relationship feels like either too much or not enough

[@likhithac6526]

Yeah but take care of your AP or develop a secure attachment and don't break AP

[@estherh.1106]

Interestingly this FA spiral definitely happened to the guy I’m dating (he is FA), but I showed up so secure so I didn’t spiral in my AA ways. We are now thinking whether or not to continue our connection and I’m truly allowing myself to take space to think about what I need and want for it to work and setting a timeframe and i’m not even anxious about it!

[@tanyamarie5321]

Glad you are safe. I live in Nova Scotia and that recently happened here in Atlantic Canada.

[@aaliyahsymoneee]

I cannot seem to shake the sadness and guilt that comes up every time I learn more about this dynamic. I walked away from a relationship during the FA pulling away stage, as you said it “tormented every fear I have in relationships” and I couldn’t deal with the feeling of abandonment. On top of that, the part of my mind that keeps rehearsing the “what if I would have known better, I wish I knew better, it was all my fault”. Almost a year of no contact and I realize I was the one who ran away and ruined it. *big sigh*

[@nickgrant834]

Fa and Ap relationships are they meant to last and work? It feels like Fa sets the pace/standard and has control eg they set the pace and Ap is left to chase/guess/constantly measure up (described as "show up") or be left abandoned or cheated on. The videos are amazing and give incredible insight however it certainly feels like narrative is working toward Ap's needing to address their negatives and struggles while the Fa needs only to be accepted and accomodated. I've watched 7 videos now and the narrative is the same, give them space (then they have availability to cheat uninterrupted or pursue a relationship outside of the current one with the fear that their current partner will cheat or hurt them). This literally makes no sense! the Ap is the most committed because they fear being abandoned the Fa is hot and cold ongoing giving the Ap no security in the relationship if the Fa deactivates the Ap thinks the relationship is over! this is torture for the the AP! Who is going to give space to someone who seems to have already checked out of the relationship? Wouldn't that be not fighting for the relationship? Don't the Fa's realise they are destroying the Ap's well-being mental health and self confidence leading to even worse negative behaviours and fear of abandonment? Also I totally get the Fas and understand how their trauma occurred but to torture current people because someone else did something to you is stupid its making future partners pay your past trauma that the current partners didnt cause!

[@makennabolen5692]

As an Fa, my Ap ex cheated on me when I stayed loyal the whole relationship. He was so paranoid that I would cheat that he self sabotaged. Just because APs fear abandonment doesn’t mean they’re inherently loyal. But when they do cheat they usually don’t tell you since they don’t want you to leave them. I’ve also never used space to talk to people outside of the relationship. Space is just about reconnecting with yourself.

[@jasminkaiser6348]

"Also I totally get the Fas and understand how their trauma occurred but to torture current people because someone else did something to you is stupid" - But it's the same the other way around. Why shall I stay at home, do not go to work just because my AP is highly afraid I would go cheat. He was cheated on in the past. I understand his anxiety. But why shall I suffer from a loss of freedom in my life so that he can feel safe? It is as you say: " its making future partners pay your past trauma that the current partners didnt cause"

[@nickgrant834]

Makenna Bolen I'm so sorry that happened to you thats terrible! Cheating is never justified! I should preface I added alot of my own situation into the comment I wrote. I was incredibly panicked and fearing divorce from my FA partner of 14 years because there was a huge pattern of perceived cheating with accompanying lies on their part across 2 years. it's a long story :( The absolute best advice after watching all the videos is for you as an Fa to give your partner the reassurance they need and if you can't and your not getting your needs met then find someone else who is secure. If you choose or date APs all I can say is It takes 5 to 10 seconds to say hey I love you and I want to be with you and I choose you, it takes less to hold them in your arms and give them a loving kiss. REASSURANCE! Thats literally all anyone wants to hear when there is a threat to the relationship. You advise your partner self destructed on their own but did you reassure them ongoing that you were loyal that you love them and choose them over everyone else? Or did you deactivate in the face of their neediness leading to even worse triggering? If you showed open signs of wanting to be with them including physical touch words of affirmation daily and if you feel you did everything you could then there's nothing you could have done that was their choice but reflecting upon the above would be a good way to go incase this arises again eg dating an AP. We APs are incredibly fearful of being abandoned as this constitutes a loss of survival and will self protect our hearts if needed just like anyone would, I don't however condone cheating whatsoever as it's never justifiable in my eyes. To update this comment I have openly advised my FA partner exactly how I feel and everything that has occurred since the start of the patterns again, long story spanning another 6 months on top. We are trying to work through and past everything. Communication is key! If not verbally text messaging is a fantastic way to go and has really helped us. We are back on track currently and I'm hoping there won't be another threat or pattern to disturb this.

[@nickgrant834]

Jasmin kaiser I'm sorry again I injected alot of my own situation into my comment above. Unfortunately it was in hope that while triggered and in survival mode that someone...anyone would be able to give advice on what to do, these videos are amazing, unfortunately waiting for the answer doesn't work sometimes you have to go searching for it sometimes for months. In your case I don't believe it's right that you feel you have to stay at home and not have a life, that's definitely not what I'm saying or advising. Most certainly relationships go both ways and can be incredibly complex especially with traumas. Within your situation all I can advise is to remind your AP that you love and cherish them and that you choose to be with them. A bit of reassurance in the face of threats is a great response, but if your AP is chronically triggered and this continues to the point where you can't leave the house or have a life it could be red flags that there is something else going on. These days cheating is easier than ever with all the apps and sites however if you have open communication with your partner, openly show love warmth and physically and emotional affection and are transparent with them especially...than there shouldn't be any issues that are triggering. I as an AP have been open and transparent and have asked this of my FA partner we have opened the lines of communication now and we have an agreement that if either one feels like they are going to cheat we will call each other first and check in before hand. I feel this is likely the best countermeasure as we can openly discuss what's happened and why one party is choosing to go outside the relationship. I wish you all the luck in the world check out the school of life videos on this topic (Fa and Ap relationships) it was an incredibly addition to all the amazing videos made on this channel!

[@jasminkaiser6348]

@@nickgrant834 Thank you for your reply. In my opinion, I ressured him sufficiently. But it felt like it would me no difference for him. He could not stop feeling triggered. I communicated that I needed space and even admitted to being an fa. I set boundaries that werde disrespected. He distanced himself on an emotional level and told me that our relationship would only continue if i started to invest more. He listed all the things he had done for me. As an fa i got triggered as my core wound is something like "i am not enough". So i ended up distancing myself as well. The sad truth is that I miss him like crazy and that I would love to have him by my side. And at the same time, I know, that if he would show up, I would try to run away another time out of fear of abandonment. To conclude, I want to change and heal. I don't want to hurt anybody else.

[@Chickal8vesflowers]

My experience with this was very different then explained in this video.

[@alllscination]

I wish you all the best getting 'back to normal' after a hurricane hit your home! Thank you for all the work you do and even still continuing now and supporting others despite your own struggles! I think most of us won't care about the set-up. We are here for your insight after all. :) I would really love to see a video in the future on how the FA feels with another FA. I struggle with the role changes in the relationship between the partners and also within self. For example, I usullay lean more avoident but with the people I really open up to which are my few close friends or a romantic partner with a strong foundation in friendship who I trust deeply I tend to lean more anxious. It's like a switch that turns when I get to the point where I know that I want to invest in that person and relationship which means knowing that I have to really show myself to give the relationship a chance to grow and from then on I'm more anxious. Being more in the anxious side of myself feels especially disconcerting to me because I'm not used to myself as much in that way because I don't really let many people get that close to me and that often. Friendships are overall more important to me than romance because my friends are my trustees which is why I would also like a romantic partner to be my friend first. 'Funily' enough I happened to fall in love with a friend of mine who seems to have the exact opposite pattern which I think makes the already complicated FA/FA dynamic even more complicated. Hiis switch seems to turn from more anxious to more avoidant when the time comes to really open up to one another and trust. We can trigger the hell out of one another^^ but I have grown to love him very much over the years and I would really like for the relationship to work even if it is 'just' as friends.

[@brookelight2090]

From my not so professional diagnosis, I don’t think you are DA/FA who runs away when see love or need to open up more. You actually accept the fact you need to be more vulnerable towards your partner during relationship progress. Therefore you are AP. Everyone fears of getting hurt in the beginning and reserve a bit. So you are not avoidant.

[@sydneykippenberger9274]

Awesome video. I’m glad you all are ok from the hurricane 😊

[@ashakiscott]

Thank you this made perfect sense as an anxious attachment style dealing with a fearful avoidant

[@HH-pj5bl]

I love you thais , you like read people's minds.....These last few videos on point! Answering a.lot of questions that's been lingering 🤣 you're the best! PDS for life!!

[@ssiemphande2483]

I feel so understood and that I'm not crazy..😄

[@cburri4842]

I love your videos, Thais, and I've learned so much about myself (AP) and my partner (FA). I look forward to trying your course and getting more tips for improving both of our lives and forging a better, stronger bond. Thanks so much! Keep up the good work, I wish I'd learned all of this 20 years ago, my first marriage would have probably been better.

[@roshalllambert]

Nice to understand the dynamics!

[@neaksofficial479]

I’ve been on and off with an avoidant for over a year and half. We got back together and she asked me out and to move in. A month later and she abruptly breaks up with me because we haven’t been having fun recently but didn’t think to mention that to me at all prior to needing to end the relationship. She said she was thinking about it for over 2 weeks, even messaged another ex whilst we were together to hang out with them. She has asked me to move out and sleep in different rooms until I go but when I mention of moving out earlier she cries because she is fearful of when I leave. Also whenever I try to sleep in another room she doesn’t want me to. I feel as though I can never win in this situation. When I give her love and attention she gets annoyed at me, but when I give her the space she requests she misses me and doesn’t want the space. Can anyone else relate?! I feel like I’m going crazy.

[@jasminkaiser6348]

I can relate. As an FA I have been in a relationship with an AP. The dynamic was almost the same. We ended the relationship a few weeks ago. Now, as an FA, I miss him like crazy - even though I initiated the breakup. Neither do I understand my own thought patterns, nor do I have a reasonable explanation for the breakup.

[@taras4352]

She broke up because she hasn’t had fun with you in “two weeks”?? Does she thinks it’s your job to entertain her? How old is she?

[@velislavivanov2269]

That's exactly what's happening rn in my life - me being the AP. Thank you, it was super helpful!

[@Jamy528]

I'm so sorry you had that hurricane scare! Thank you for this video. 💜🙏

[@xiaco8309]

My avoidant ex and I broke up at first in September last year. We still talked every day as I, and AP, continued to hope it would work out. We would start going on dates more and talked about kids and marriage. Every month she would just retreat and then come back. Then, 2 weeks ago, she called me and said she really couldn’t do it. When a few days prior, she said how much she loved me. She has an adopted child and wanted to get married before I even met her. I said no and that there are steps we need to take first. Then, months later when I said I wanted to get married, she ran from that. I’m at fault too but an avoidant is so hot and cold and rarely consistent. I made that mistake of continuing to try to prove myself which only worsened the matter.

[@Tombomb805]

Just went through this, pushed away my FA partner almost to the brink. Currently she's blocked me and we're in no contact. She said she needs a break from everything. Hoping she reaches out so I can implement stages from your AP/FA series. Focusing on me now to try and avoid this in the future.

[@Barbie4U2]

How did this go?

[@kelleypopkowski1789]

Thank you for the video.

[@capriciousfawn]

I see a lot of AP attached people complaining about the work they have to put in and how it seems that DAs/FAs dont have to do the same amount of work… this isn’t true… y’all are just dating DAs/FAs who aren’t ready to heal… thus perpetuating your own toxic AP cycle… you can only control yourself and same goes for DA/FAs… you have to heal yourself and set boundaries first. If your partner isn’t cooperating then leave…. Also confused why y’all don’t just date other APs lol…….

[@JoMama123451234]

I thought i started to correct my AP patterns toward the end of the 3 year LDR because my FA ex was pulling away. I stopped chasing and gave her space and started enforcing healthy boundaries (e.g., Im working right now and cant talk but I cant wait to talk to you when Im done at 4pm). She took it as me not caring and meeting her needs. Its almost like she flipped from anxious to avoidant within minutes and hours. I guess maybe i triggered her with my boundaries at the end cause i hadnt done a great job for a lot of the relationship. Too little too late :(

[@scottwells2456]

Remembering that attachment theory is that...A theory. I know of a couple with 2 children who have few friends between them and have a close/ed relationship and outside of work and family don't have a schedule full of 'rich and meaningful' activities. They seem to get on/with their lives fine Maybe they are Securely attached

[@nellautumngirl]

Maybe they are highly sensitive! Between work and my partner, I'm pooped most of the time

[@Cranberries87]

They may very well be securely attached, especially if they paired up young and have stayed together. Secures tend to match up early and stay together. Also, with kids, a household, family responsibilities, different financial priorities, and other life matters they may have going on, they may be too busy for hobbies, travel, friends, etc.

[@the_salty_melody]

Adding this here to support the discussion and level set definitions. The scientific definition of a theory contrasts with the definition most people use in casual language. Every scientific theory relies on the scientific method, and is coherent, systematic, predictive, and broadly applicable, often integrating and generalizing many hypotheses, and building on repeated observations and facts. A scientific theory is a structured explanation to explain a group of facts or phenomena in the natural world that often incorporates a scientific hypothesis and scientific laws. Attachment theory has been established through the same method over the past 60-70 years. "The way that scientists use the word 'theory' is a little different than how it is commonly used in the lay public," said Jaime Tanner, a professor of biology at Emerson College in Boston. "Most people use the word 'theory' to mean an idea or hunch that someone has, but in science the word 'theory' refers to the way that we interpret facts." www.livescience.com/21491-what-is-a-scientific-theory-definition-of-theory.html

[@anzelaiv]

@@the_salty_melody Thank you for this!

[@RRthee1]

Thank you! ❣️

[@murphikennedy3436]

So spot on!

[@cecilang9721]

I see a lot of unhealed people. If I may offer some insight, stop giving your all and loving people till the end of time. I see that a lot. The therapists all tell you to hold your boundaries firm. That means not giving your all and loving unconditionally. Romantic relationships are conditional. That’s the rules. If you are fool enough to violate those but see yourself as heroically self sacrificing, pain will ensue. Whether or not you are with an avoidant. The other thing I want to say is, none of the videos explaining why avoidants do what they do is meant to excuse, justify, or take blame away from the avoidants. It’s an opportunity to understand that another person’s pre existing damage is not your fault. I wish more wounded people could see that main point. If you were genuine and you tried your best and someone you cared for hurt you, it’s them it’s not you! That being said, if you are attracted to a certain type, if you find yourself on the receiving end more than once of poor behavior, work on your self respect and shore up those boundaries and communication to protect your own heart. Stop worrying about other grown adults. You can’t rescue them with your love. I wish you all a healing journey. I am totally messed up myself so these are lessons I’ve come to learn from a year of listening to these videos. I’ve literally wanted to die on the inside thinking I must be a low life undeserving piece of sh to not have worked hard enough to please the other person. So I feel your pain, I really do. See, even this comment below about trust being “stolen”, nobody stole if you gave it away!!! If it hasn’t been well over a year why are you trusting a stranger with your heart? And if within that year they went hot and cold and did all those avoidant behaviors and you did not take your trust back already, wtf are you doing? Yeah, I do know why I did it. Because I wanted that person to be real, but the man I was in love with was a projection of all the best parts of him. Not the actual person. Limerance, projection, imagination, desperation, hope, all of those things within me that cannot be blamed on the other person.

[@riosjunkremovalhaulingllc4336]

My DA gf stopped texting me for a few days now. And now she is posting alot on social media, things she wouldnt post before, like her on her gym apparel in which I feel she is trying to get attention elsewhere or find another person so she can leave me. Why is she doing this? I am a Anxious Attachment

[@rach6525]

What draws a DA in to a relationship with a anxious preoccupied

[@notoriousmf6157]

Trait variety and the needs the DA repress within themselves which the AP exhibits. kzbin.info/www/bejne/qqiWk6ebjb2DnaM

[@rachhhh9722]

Because the AP will do all the chasing and tolerate being treated poorly . A secure usually won't stick with an avoidant and with 2 avoidants there's no glue to hold the relationship together because neither will reach out so that just leaves the APs .

[@Barbie4U2]

They trigger each other. Which, in a weird way, is comforting

[@indyd9322]

How do you know if someone has an FA attachment style, or is just giving you mixed signals because they are a player/manipulator? I thought the connection I had with someone was genuine, but the whole running towards me then running away from me cycle is really confusing. Frankly, I don't know what to make out of it, and feel kind of used.

[@fubao588]

As a friend, how should we proceed?

[@henryzhao4622]

And how long can this go on? Just wait for the FA to hopefully trust after 4 years?

[@Killer-ct4vt]

3 month and in the last days I feel like death

[@taras4352]

AP’s are too needy. FA are too independent. I could never give the AP all the constant attention they need. Especially when they disrespect my boundaries. Now I understand why my longest relationship was with a dismissive avoidant - we loved each-other, respected each-other, and both required our own space.

[@anzelaiv]

Same. Only lasted 3 years with an AP and it was a nightmare where I felt like I had to sacrifice my needs for his comfort permanently. 12 years and counting with a DA, and there's no pressure to meet any unrealistic expectations.

[@PuertoRican-EL]

The problem is that FA want space like 80% of the time but only give love and affection around 20% of the time. What type of relationship is that ? Of course space and independence is fine. But stay single if you're unable to even put in 50% effort like seriously

[@crescent_rose__]

@@PuertoRican-ELfrfr

[@derekazyan9942]

@@PuertoRican-ELfacts

[@JEEPBABYB]

I feel tricked 😢

[@ourloveourjourney215]

I never comment, but This actually was insanely amazing! Best channel I’ve found by far on this stuff!! Thank you so much for the lives you are honestly changing like mine!!❤️‍🩹❤️❤️‍🔥!!