The Beautiful Truth About Online Dating | Arum Kang & Dawoon Kang | TEDxUCDavisSF

Arum & Dawoon Kang teach us about the truth about online dating. No longer are we looking for significant others in the traditional avenue. We need to understand the fine points about the other venues we are using, online dating.
Arum loves being in the consumer space. She has experience working at Avon Products as well as Amazon, leading efforts to understand consumer needs and behavior to deliver superior product experiences. After graduating from Harvard Business School, Arum is excited to start a business that leverages technology to bring something truly valuable to consumers.
After wandering around for years trying to find her passion, Dawoon is happy to be finally working on a matter close to her heart, with & for people she loves! Prior to CMB, she lived & worked in Korea, Japan, New York, India & Hong Kong, in a variety of roles that spanned from strategy & business development, marketing, research to investing/finance. She is a proud graduate of Stanford Graduate School of Business.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx

[@patriciamaerecto9943]

I think meeting someone online, you chat a little, get to know them and after some days of chatting you have to meet up and that's where the real dating starts. You have to meet up to date for real. If you just do virtual dating and no plans of meeting in person, then you're wasting your time.

[@karlmarx1868]

Depends what you are looking for. I tried online dating for 3 months and it was the most depressed I've ever felt.

[@timothymwinzi165]

can we chat on whatsApp

[@Cymru1987]

try being a guy

[@ghhh9012]

@@Cymru1987 he's a guy

[@texassecession6422]

It's usually a frustrating experience for guys but not for girls. I met my ex girlfriend on a dating app and she received over one thousand messages within 2 days after she opened an account.

[@ggrthemostgodless8713]

@Peter Best Depressed from an ABUNDANCE of voices... guys get depressed on dating apps from how few matches they get, even if they are Chad. The most 5-6 woman gets HUNDREDS of men willing to screw them, but of course they want "$$omething more$$" than that, they want a connection with $$omeone SSpecial, seems the numbers tell the story, almost 100% of women want the top 5% of men in looks and economically. Depressed, from too much choice.

[@Cherrynukes1]

So many people in this world yet so many lonely people.

[@user-pt2zt9hv2g]

Very true

[@jasonhightower5706]

It's for women's egos only

[@Infernovus1]

you don't need anyone to feel complete... being alone is a virtue or being unwanted, less people that can hurt you or disappointment you, oke being alone hurts but would you rather be in a highly likely bad dis-functional relationship or alone with your thoughts and freewill this is something you start to miss pretty quick when you are in one..

[@privateprivate8366]

Infernovus well I think it sometimes just might have to do with hope. We’re raised, in some ways, on the romantic idea of finding someone that will make us happy and that we can reciprocate that with. For me, I’ve been single all of my life and it would be wonderful to fall in love because although I do find things to occupy myself with, I also sometimes feel that it’s to distract me from the pain and disappointments of life. I have a good job but, yes, that comes with a lot of pain, as well. I have two cats, who are my children, but even loving them comes with pain. I expect pain from a love relationship, as well, but I guess I’m looking for a buffer or a new dimension in my life, that isn’t simply the mere oscillation of me going to a job and going home, sometimes still thinking of my family of origin, whom I’ve had to part with, which has tremendous pain and disappointment attached to it. Seems that life is some dwindling dark hole of less and less life satisfaction where you often find yourself doing the things you must to survive but, none of what interests you and really gets you out of bed in the morning.

[@bigcountry9563]

It's called a social life for a reason

[@alkismith4577]

I'm female, and here are some things that cause me to swipe left on male profiles. Terrible photos: hats, sunglasses, and faces in shadow. Sticking your tongue out. Making other crazy faces. Middle finger extended. Flexing. Dead fish. Blurry. Improperly oriented. Group photos. Photos that make you look angry/closed off, e.g., arms crossed, scowling, lips pressed in a hard line. Photos with your ex. Verbiage like "Later" (as in "I'll fill this out later") or "just looking" or "no crazy bitches" or "no drama" or "Work hard, play hard". Things that make me swipe right - At least one photo where I can see what you look like. Taking the time to write a little bit about yourself, so I can see who you really are. Actually filling out the prompts, instead of skipping almost everything so that I have zero idea if we might get along or not. Show me a profile where I feel like you actually cared while you were putting it together, and I'll be much more interested. (I'm sure this applies to men viewing female profiles as well, but I can't speak to that.)

[@frijolescrnbrd]

I agree entirely.

[@ijn1216]

exactly

[@noahraab2429]

Geeze, that surely would be helpful if I tried to date you.

[@garrettevans9193]

As a man, yes, this applies when viewing female profiles as well.

[@alkismith4577]

@@garrettevans9193 I'm not surprised. Yeah, for me it just kinda feels like the person spent about 2 minutes in total and is throwing sh*t at the wall to see what sticks!

[@joshuacollins7398]

I meet my girlfriend on Filipino cupid. We are honest with each other and we lift each other up socially and mentality. I am not perfect but I believe in us.

[@tinamomodu2031]

Joshua Collins I hope it works out

[@Infernovus1]

count yourself as one of the lucky few..

[@TCFan30]

@@Infernovus1 I wouldn't say he's lucky. More like seen as an easy plane ticket and magical walking ATM!

[@tdoe420]

47 💀😂😂

[@MrAlexanderLang]

She must be "Quality woman", unless divorce comes in which case she won't be....xD

[@kevintheconner]

What they concluded is actually the focus I've had for some time. Love, not fear, Faith, not doubt, Hope, not worry. Does this work? Yes, it sure does, and your focus will be right... you will meet other positive people who think the same. Isn't that what we want? Loving, faithful, hopeful partners?

[@anewloveofficial9137]

There are pros and cons in an online dating but I'm very thankful for it because I've met someone who's really been a good match to me. At first I was so hesitant to the idea of meeting someone from the online world but I'm so glad it turns out well and didn't experience the negative side of it.

[@mariekrekora9958]

Online dating is only getting a glimpse of the person behind the photo, it's so very empty cyberspace.

[@newtonhill1076]

Hello Marie How are you doing. Hopefully well. Just wanted to say hi. Hope I can get a reply

[@LaborHours]

They call it online dating, but there are no dates - only profiles. A dating website is probably the worst possible place to find a date.

[@NiceOCGuy1981]

Anywhere to look for women is a trap.

[@Oxron206]

Its worse than the bar / club scene because its pointless convos that never lead to a meetup. At least in the real world you get to the point and see the person. Im just too lazy to go out lol

[@terribrown5989]

Laborhours you are so RIGHT

[@farolitodepapel]

I’ve met nice people on certain websites and undesireable people too. But most of them were like me: hardworkers with limited time to go clubbing and meet new available people outside from work.

[@daytonasixty-eight1354]

Not from my experience. In person just randomly approaching at social venues it was a tiring and hit or miss experience. I started going on various apps and ended up with more dates then I could actually handle.

[@joeexotic2545]

Dating is superficial in general , not just online dating . People are vain

[@miranda.cooper]

Chances are you've been dating the wrong people.

[@oaklandsoldier8520]

@@miranda.cooper the majority are the "wrong" people. LMAO

[@mournerlisa6025]

Carol Baskin had entered the chat.

[@E_swi]

Truth.

[@excel04]

Short version of the video - fill your profiles, be brave and be more open. Open people attract more authentic relationships.

[@rspanjaitan]

1st speaker: "Online dating is not a popularity contest, you need to find someone you can connect with." 2nd speaker: "unless you open up yourself, share more, be vulnerable, brave enough to accept rejection, you won't find something real" amazing lines and i learn so much from here. thank you for sharing

[@atheno892]

Online dating is ravaging intimate human connection - in my humble opinion and experience.

[@davit3870]

yeap....The only place I find have more honest people are straight hooking up sites....most of them eliminate the necessity of making you look very grand ....Human interaction is reduced to more raw attraction over more mainstream stuff like Tinder

[@windsofmarchjourneyperrytr2823]

R u a bot? No subscribers and no content.

[@bakerstreet101]

Is it me, or do most of the TED presenters seem to learn the same presenting style? It's kind of the "new tech bubble entrepreneur style."

[@ganymede242]

I believe that TED actually teaches them the 'house style'.

[@watching99134]

In all fairness, you have ten minutes in front of an audience to make points that also translate to being watched on video well.

[@samifolio950]

haha yes

[@francisturney2938]

You have to craft your presentation for your audience. Since they are talented presenters they pretty much know the format TED listeners want to hear, a largely factual but light-hearted explanation of an unusual viewpoint (which ends in a call to arms). It's similar to a high school or college essay for English class, an argumentive style most people understand

[@squamish4244]

The Onion does hilarious parodies of TED Talks in its 'Onion Talks' series, with titles like "Ducks Go Quack, Chickens Say Cluck".

[@000Ricco]

Online dating for men is a waste of time and damages their ego

[@adamkallin5160]

Agreed, better put that energy into approaching in real life.

[@happypedro12]

Adam Kallin yea if you aren't a 8/10 or better it's a better chance to try and make them laugh or something in person. The nature of online dating is shallow and superficial it's no wonder why many ppl feel let down by it

[@temich1985]

Adam Kallin how do you approach irl if women constantly glued to their iPhones and generally avoid talking to strangers?

[@stevethomas74]

As a man who's in the 80% 'bottom' tier, I can wholeheartedly attest to that

[@natenolden3022]

Dude better damn well be a dragon slayer, and a astronaut with bank to get even a hello back

[@casecarpenter1717]

Interesting. For me, the data presented make no surprising conclusions. Clearly those who use dating apps more casually and are not necessarily seeking a long-term partner will be less apt to spend time filling out a complete profile and sending long/frequent messages to their matches. Similarly, those seriously looking for a long-term partner will make the extra effort to complete a robust profile and exchange frequent and/or long messages with their matches. And who are the ones more likely to land a long-term partner ---- those using the app with the intention of finding one!

[@CrimsonHazmat]

This makes some serious sense

[@zhin_7580]

There are many guys who just want a casual relationship are good in writing up (or making up) their profile too.

[@terrywangui992]

Not always but to some extent I agree with you

[@kimdiedrich9712]

What then is the male rule for texting? Men tend to be very short with text and most would rather talk over the phone. I'm intrigued that you mention long texts; then again a long text is really just condensed on the screen & would probably take 2-3 minutes to actually say, certainly no more than 5.

[@ramirenriquez6795]

also realized that people who go for online dating seem to get bored quite easily and would think they could do better and look for a new one immediately. When the spark is gone, when reality strikes in again, they go for a new one to go back to that honeymoon phase. Unfortunately, we're moving to this direction whether we like it or not but I also believe that there are more pleasing people somewhere who also choose to stay out of online dating so not all of the people in your app are your left options in real life.

[@kirkv2262]

So true about the women wanting the higher income man. True story that happened to me after being with a woman for a over a year. She told me at the end of the day she wanted somebody who could financially support her and I met her on a dating site. Imagine that

[@XColumbX]

they want 4th wave feminism but still want 50s dating norms. you cant win.

[@essentialoilsme]

Kirk V hypergamy and Briffaults law at its finest. A google search of those will explain everything.

[@janetarguelles1938]

Hey guys not all women are like after the money, some are really looking for a good relationship too. But it's like finding the needle in the haystack.

[@alexzhang2651]

@@janetarguelles1938 You're right, Janet, not all women, but MOST are. If men can't support them, starting a family would be hard, putting kids through school would be hard, toys, rent etc. girls love to travel and i'm sure you do too. travel isn't cheap, i'll just leave it at that. The needle in the haystack is the woman who is ok with a guy who doesn't have a steady income. The needle in the haystack for men is a man who is ok if the girl is not young and isn't attractive. I say this coming from my experience, 27 years of living.

[@JLamstudio]

iAlexZhang ALL women are Hypergamous by nature. It's in their DNA. That's why you will never see a Victoria's Secret Model married to a McDonald's employee or a female surgeon married to a janitor. That will never happen. Women will say, "Oh, you're a great guy! You'll find someone!" But will never date you or allow you to date their daughter if your income is less than theirs.

[@laurabennett9292]

I used the app for about one month. Not one single match for me, which was super good for my self-esteem. I gave up entirely-if I don't magically bump into someone to like I will just have to learn to love being alone.

[@Redpark1000]

+Laura Bennett Hang in there Laura!

[@BlackStar185]

+Laura Bennett Patience. I will admit. When I first started I got no likes. It really made me bitter. I quit and few months went by and I came back. Updated my profile and I got a few likes. I realize then that I should update my profile/pics every month or so. I also get the opinions of my friends. Just keep at it.

[@5tonyvvvv]

Creepy? it was very common for a 40 year old man to marry 20 years olds, 80 years ago... a man wasn't established till around 40 years of age, and a 40 year old women was not a good choice to get pregnant and start a family with.... And Online, men have to send out 200 messages a day! To get one single reply!

[@spaulding304]

5tonyvvvv Yeah why like someone only not reply to them after receiving a message? If women do get hundreds of matches, then they should sharpen the horizon by being more particular to whom theu like, that way they aren't bombarded with messages to narrow down who may be Mr. Right and also not wasting potential matches time, effort and energy.

[@Ferien7]

World of No Borders wasting men's time and soaking up attention for validation IS why most women use the apps. Women don't need these apps beyond casting a wider net for rich men. Being rich is the only way to get women, basically.

[@jamesselden5407]

I disagree with Dawoon's claim that men go after younger women. Men go after looks, not age. Whether a beautiful woman is 22 or 31 is immaterial. I promise you that most older men are not intentionally trying to hook up with a 22 year old. I believe that the majority of men actually prefer a significant other who is within their age range, but the problem is there's fewer prototypical physically available attractive women as age increases.

[@carinecampier]

As an older woman looking 20 years younger than I am and regularly being complimented on my looks, I can tell you sir, you are mistaken. I could hardly cross the street without being literally harassed, 5, 10 times a day from the age of 11 ( 😩) to roughly 27. Then it subsided to everything other day. And my experience online is absolutely as they say. I set up another account where I am 26, same profile, just to see if there would be a difference. Well there is a difference and it is huge. Men do go for younger women.

[@jamesselden5407]

@@carinecampier but if these men saw and met you in person, I believe they would recognize the beauty that you are still carrying as you've aged, and I feel that many would choose you over much younger girls

[@carinecampier]

@@jamesselden5407 as we say in French, with IFs you can put Paris in a bottle. And again, my experience in real life has been different. It’s been 11 years now since I have been trying to find a new life partner, and, men my age who were perfectly happy dating me, literally said to my face that they wanted a younger woman to settle and have kids with. To. My. Face.

[@David-fw4ly]

@@carinecampier I’m a 40 y/o physician who makes a good income and I only date women at least 10 years younger. Younger girls are hotter than women my own age. I can’t believe anybody says otherwise when it’s so obvious.

[@gingermackenzie9742]

@@David-fw4ly You seem like a real catch. 😂

[@melissajamma5553]

Great talk!! I like how they gave us workable solutions and left us feeling hopeful and inspired. Great job!

[@Apaphis]

Online dating overall is a scam and a great waste of time for men.

[@edz7117]

True

[@HausOfAdonis]

....and a waste of time for women ;-)

[@edz7117]

I love it 😘

[@oaklandsoldier8520]

Unless you are a good looking white male

[@leojanuszewski1019]

@@oaklandsoldier8520 Women feel all wealthy men to be good-looking.

[@StephenWong14]

I like the fact that on dating apps both people know each other's purpose. It's much easier to ask someone out which opens the door of further opportunities. If unfortunately you're rejected it's easy to move on.

[@Tangerinetaco]

Aww, this was so sweet! Thank you for this talk! It all makes so much more sense now :-)

[@lalapsy23]

I think someone said it in the comment section. You can not completely trust a person you met online. Most of the people who I've heard are in relationships from online dating: one is very bossy and the other very passive. I think the bossy person was able to hide this trait for as long as possible and ended up in a relationship... It looks like singles are afraid of getting hurt so they are not putting much effort in. However some people are doing this on purpose because they are not that into you. I enjoyed this video ♡

[@ijn1216]

welp that's scary

[@111smeek]

Online dating is a way to meet people. I've been doing it for about 2.5 years....2 years of that has been during the pandemic, so.... It is a way to MEET people but of course the real MEETING is in person. Chatting is one thing, in person is another. Once the actual MEET takes place, it doesn't matter that you met online. Sadly, as I live in a small geographic area and don't want to move or drive for hours, my options have been limited. I have learned quite a bit about what I am looking for, and I remain optimistic...although my experience has been that 95% of the men I have met I am not interested in seeing again.

[@jim8937]

Since there's a threshold for creepiness, where's the gold digger threshold on the other graph?

[@watching99134]

Yes I was wondering why there was no comparable derogatory term for such women, after all the genders are equal no?

[@davidpierce9949]

Dam right! Just another tactic to try to chop men down. Ageism

[@tararoslee2022]

Someone feels call out!

[@bruce122046]

@@tararoslee2022 So how do we know that your name represents who you are? Ive seen people from Central Africa misrepresent who they are, and Asian women routinely do that.

[@tararoslee2022]

Why am I tagged in this?

[@MokYiChow1222]

Insightful, thank you!

[@jeonghunkim4131]

Just advertising their product/service. Go out and talk to real people. Online dating is superficial, you miss the chemistry aspect of actually connecting with someone. Go out, live your life, and when the opportunity presents itself give it yourself:) much love peace.

[@PyromancerRift]

wrong. Internit is the true face of the real life. People don't need to lie or be nice. Either in real life or on the internet a woman will reject a short guy. But in real life she will feel the need to reject him nicely or lie in order to not get punched.

[@majstorzatapacirung4110]

Couldnt agree more

[@KofWands2QofCups]

@Dela Flowers Who cares how it looks. I know a couple where the wife is taller and as long as they're happy, what difference does it make how others view them.

[@syarifahmardhiah5103]

@@daytonasixty-eight1354 Agreed. AI could help us to find a person that matches our personality. To seek the exact value outside could be hardly possible so it's good if we can seize the platform.

[@saramations]

The other thing about online dating is that there a lot of fake profiles too. Over the seas people trying to rip you off- be careful. 😩

[@xktwnxl4zlx213]

Thanks !!

[@the_moo000oon]

heres the truth: theres nothing beautiful about online dating

[@alnisaa222]

😂😂😂

[@johnballard6725]

Online dating allows you the possibility of interacting with someone you would never meet otherwise for instance if they live in a foreign country or live far away from your home town.

[@dbrinker02]

Hy5 hy5

[@genielycruz485]

Great talk. Love that everything was backed up with data. :)

[@jplatter6629]

Excellent lecture. In short, if you don’t explain who you are and what you want, you won’t find anyone that’s compatible! Tell us something about YOU....

[@AuroraBoarder1]

Everyone wants a rich, beautiful, glamorous movie star - but since when do people who fit that description use dating sites?

[@tubesurfer007]

A A Q I know right. It’s like a the women on there think they can find brad Pitt. They are on there cause they are picky. But most of the profiles are fake any way and full of bots.

[@windsofmarchjourneyperrytr2823]

I've know people that did irl.

[@louiseforde5502]

Excellent!!! Great job!

[@ggreen2448]

Online dating is a worst of time in energy.. I've heard some people say I'm not looking for anybody in particular I'm just here to waist time.. You can waist time on facebook,twitter, Instagram, Snapchat etc.. Why would you come to a online dating platform and try to use it as a social media outlet...

[@markreilly4577]

Let's be honest, girls on dating sites don't even bother reading your bio unless they find you attractive. There is a huge pool of guys to choose from, they wont settle on a 5 or below.

[@LittleMissHoop]

Would you?

[@Jeff-xy7fv]

I'm only a 3.2, so I guess that's why dating sites don't work for me.

[@ayyub9855]

@@LittleMissHoop yes

[@luukvanbastenbatenburg395]

@@LittleMissHoop So where are the matching women who DO respond or initiate?

[@LittleMissHoop]

@@luukvanbastenbatenburg395 They are out there. I am one of them and did meet my current guy on a dating site. He was the ONLY one who actually asked me out on a date, in person. The other dudes just texted forever. For the record, and to toot my own horn yes, he tells me 'I would not have believed that there are girls of your caliber on Tinder"

[@redshark9537]

For men it's called "Threshold of Creepiness," but for women it's simply "Cougar." You go girl! That's what women say when a 40 year old woman finds a 25 year old boy toy. My sister is dating a guy younger than her son. They met online. The hypocrisy is breathtaking.

[@demonreturns4336]

In most women’s world the concept of a “2 way street” Simply doesn’t exist Everything is a ONE way street and we men are the ones being driven down that street We have become slaves to our dicks

[@dumfriesspearhead7398]

"Cougar" isn't a compliment. It's just another animalistic name for women. It just means an older, predatory woman.

[@beraheartfilia9225]

Both are wrong, no need to get emotional

[@love-update3690]

Great Video! Keep up the great work!

[@scotmoore6830]

Great presentation! I like the great use of correlative data. Need to bolster my CMB profile... ;-)

[@janicesal922]

Online Dating is an instant open door that requires patience in waiting for the right one for you!

[@clairekelly2320]

So that's why I've had such a wonderful experience with online dating. My one hard and fast rule: Must write in sentences.

[@donaldfewell9929]

It helps to write and speak in complete sentences.

[@laturley7445]

I can open my mind to all people, but most do not return the same favor. I will never go back to online dating because too many people lie. No relationship of trust can start with lies.

[@inshahashmi6224]

It depends on people and their needs. What they are looking for. I always wanted my person to be loyal to me and protect me. Stand by my side and aspire me to become what I want, to become the best version of me.with these little thoughts I when joined dive-soul matching app, and many matches appeared but the very first match I started talking to, he brought magic to my life, really. He is what I always wanted. My shining bright light of hope and love✨✨✨✨✨

[@privateprivate8366]

I think it’s important to say something I’ve found out during the past 2 years, although I have left my online profile as a somewhat lengthy one, despite this. I think that part of the reason for this fear, at least for some, is the growing problem of narcissistic abuse. I had to learn about narcissism the hard way, through my family of origin, which I am now mostly disassociated with, for my own wellbeing. But, I’ve heard that online dating is chock full of narcissists. The reality, in the way narcissism works, in part is that, when you tell someone about yourself and what you’re looking for, if you’re targeted by a narcissist and many of the other predators online, they will fit that profile for you - for the express purpose of getting into your life, sapping you dry and moving on to the next target. This is a very painful and lonely realization for me as, I’m now in my mid-fifties. There are no checks and balances and vetting by friends and family, as there would’ve been when I was younger. It is completely up to me to make the proper or deadly choice of evaluating a possible partner. There are people who feel that, where narcissism is concerned, all you need to do, if you find yourself with a predator is to leave and that you’d find out in short order, like a few weeks or a few months. But, the reality, such as in my mother’s case, is that it can take many years or decades to realize what you’re dealing with. Particularly when dealing with the most dangerous type of narcissist, which is vulnerable or covert. So, while some people may fear rejection, others actually fear meeting someone, despite being a members of dating sites and it isn’t always fear that their dreams may come true. It can be fear that they find themselves enmeshed in something that even law often fails to catch up with and acknowledge.

[@nicolamills8003]

I'm mid 50's too. 27yrs and just found out my hubby is a covert. Has been a nightmare. Now I know what it is, it's hard to stay when u know they won't change. Every year he throws the divorce word around. I might call his bluff!

[@privateprivate8366]

@@nicolamills8003 my mother died a few weeks ago. So, Chapter 1 is over. However the residuals immediately began with Chapter 2, dealing with a younger sister. I really try to use the word narcissist cautiously. It’s often become a term used by people who want to sound like they know WTF they’re talking about, yet don’t. HOWEVER, it has been such a roller coaster ride, since our mother’s death. She sent me an email saying our mother died, didn’t communicate for a week and I had to call the police, several churches, several funeral homes and the medical examiner 3 times and it was they who were worried she might be trying to represent herself as the only next of kin. Since that time, it’s been her seeming to feel she is making the decisions and asking if I intended to move into one of the 2 properties, as if her name is even on the one she may be living in. As soon as I let her know I filed probate, she lost it. I only want to ensure we BOTH get out due. But, in all likelihood, she’s losing her mind, because she probably cannot afford to live in one property, without renting or selling the one I was to receive - so the war is on. She has turned into a cornered animal, when I am not trying to hurt her at all as I feel we were BOTH hurt by our parents and we should end the pain. But she knows nothing, nor wants to know anything about that. I am trying to not call her a narcissist. Perhaps, she’s just in a frightened situation. But, I am smelling narcissism, in it’s multiple forms here. I hope you are well on your way out, even if emotionally. You DO NOT wish to grow old, with a narcissist in your midst!

[@nicolamills8003]

@@privateprivate8366 oww, you poor thing. You always feel to tread carefully cos of the eggshells ay, but I've realised, no matter what u say.. There are ALWAYS egg shells. I wish you all the best with probate. If she can't afford it.. Tell her she needs a flat mate or sell and move. There r ways. Starting to heal with Dr ramani and Carter, being my daily therapy! He wants to sell and divorce, the next chapter will be one of no egg shells!! I'm in new Zealand, so at least it's a nice country... Good luck

[@nicolamills8003]

And I've agreed. I'm off. Can't do it anymore.

[@privateprivate8366]

@@nicolamills8003 there are. It seems continuous and I’ve had to learn to battle narcissism in the workplace and make ‘em run also. As of today, I don’t know what she can afford, based upon info from where my mother banked. They knew who my mother was, by name only, probably told me a bit too much and want to call me back for more info as, they didn’t know my mother died. But, I won’t be providing information. There’s possible trouble for her and I don’t want to worsen that for her. Apparently, she and my mother had a joint account, however, the bank may have some “concerns”. People shoot YT learning down and, no, it doesn’t give you a degree in psychology. But, it has saved my life. I would not even know this behavior had a name, let alone no cure and that I should run TF out of it as, there is no cure. Take care and get yourself out. The alternative is quite the poor plan.

[@jim999-aaa]

Glad I finished the video before coming to a premature conclusion.

[@mahoneyjack5074]

After many years of dating and being married, I think I have found the answer, find someone you hate and give her a house. Then move on to the next one.

[@no_onecares3266]

Many of are dating app users are not want to date.. They are just lonely &want to talk with someone stranger 😐

[@simonscowled9925]

Out of all the apps and sites I have used CMB has been the best one. you should a thoughtfully written out profile and the more pictures the better. Don't make me guess which person the profile belongs to. Also Have at least one full body picture, attraction is important The main problem is that people become too picky too choosy and end up with no one. Research suggests throwing out the list of what you want and instead choosing what you need. Meeting people offline is good because you can communicate better and easier and establish trust faster. The difficulty is actually meeting new people who happen to be single

[@Jimbodrear]

I need to apply to be the damn audio engineer. There is such a huge amount of annoying feedback.

[@thothheartmaat2833]

you might get paid a lot but women will not be attracted to you..

[@jdgarcia9207]

J

[@frodev728]

Jim Robert They’re unlikely to give that job to someone who doesn’t know the difference between feedback, and ground-loup hum.

[@RandyFricke]

frodev Good one! The track could have used some Dobly too.

[@frodev728]

Randy Fricke showing your age there haha 😉

[@db302003]

I've always been anti-dating apps b/c their only taking advantage of singles and their vulnerability. It's easy to create something that you expect to help so many people like an app but if you don't look at the center focus on why you're creating it then you hurt more people that are already broken. These apps only invite more predators, don't trust it.

[@daveweremczuk2729]

So true, the apps main goal is to not work as its intended

[@monicahoward7443]

Amazing video!!!

[@Century2008]

I found your data info very thought provoking, The bottom line is a avenue to solutions many people face, Now what about the people who are baby boomers. those who comfortable in their zone. The world has changed so much since computers came along. Going out to dinner was a privilege of planning, so that intimacy would not become over bearing with compensation in lack of interest of one another. Thanks for the attention.

[@RandyFricke]

The fact of the matter is, online dating sites give women the attention they crave. That's all it has ever been about. Sure people get lucky and make a connection, but online dating gives woman option overload. They get to feel their hypergamous oats to the max.

[@donaldfewell9929]

What do you find threatening about women exploring their options of choice?

[@adyp5176]

she can indulge her hypergamous oats as much as she wants, but she's gonna taste my man porridge.

[@hunpo1]

@@donaldfewell9929 He doesn't find it threatening, moron, he's saying they're wasting men's time by being attention whores and not going on dates.

[@Chiu-ster]

I am an engineer and was sad to hear about their data for us :(. anyone else out there feel the same?

[@anthonybarrera9639]

+George Chiu I'm a software engineer, and it blew me away that there was no interest. I guess women on online dating don't care for sciences.

[@Chiu-ster]

+Anthony Barrera their loss in my opinion.

[@janethruga7988]

Haha I'm a 20 year old girl and I actually did meet an engineer online and I liked him. He was smart and relaxed. I don't think he liked me back, but all I am trying to say is, there is still hope!

[@Chiu-ster]

Thanks for the glimmer in the dark 👍

[@Huang59]

I wonder if that's also true for women occupations.

[@panda59043]

Thanks- good input 😺

[@jeremymenning56]

Me dating someone my own age (currently 42): Date one: $100 dinner & drinks "All men are pigs." Date two: $100 dinner & drinks "All men are pigs." GHOSTED. Me not dating for 6-8 months.

[@squamish4244]

Just do coffee dates.

[@squamish4244]

Obviously. (Or perhaps not, for some men, apparently.)

[@David-fw4ly]

Date younger women.

[@aracho5697]

There are girls who are attracted to nerdines and intelligence!!

[@CrimsonHazmat]

None near me...

[@Oxron206]

not online lol

[@KingKull1971]

Ara Cho Art So, how many times did you watch "Revenge of the Nerds?" Because what you're saying isn't true, it's a Hollywood fantasy. You know, "Make Believe!" 🤣🤣

[@squamish4244]

Yes, there are.

[@KingKull1971]

@@squamish4244 🤣🤣🤣

[@GeorgiosD90]

You do not need to spend much time to realise, that online dating sucks.

[@XColumbX]

online dating is for the birds. leave it to them n the remaining alpha men. it'll improve the species in the end. evolutionarionary biology 101

[@GeorgiosD90]

Haha good one mate, only this video, which contrary to your statement uses actual data, proves the opposite.

[@nirvaanacoffeeaddict8095]

Come on. This is so not true. I'm indeed among the one sending and receiving long novels on these apps. Witty comebacks, great banter but it doesn't work. People ghost on you. Sometimes you ghost on someone. It is indeed shallow and there comes a point of saturation.

[@MissHannah2036]

Nirvaana CoffeeAddict just don’t try to hard though. Don’t be to funny, if a woman’s looking for something serious you need to balance the humour with deep open revelations. If you compliment her, don’t use cheesing lines or laugh it off, own it and mean it. Of course some humour is warranted but don’t make everything into a joke :) Also we tend to copy the behaviour of what people have done to us online. Don’t do this you end up being that person online you don’t like. Strike while the irons hot and follow things through. People get bored after 5 minutes, these days.

[@KofWands2QofCups]

Nirvaana CoffeeAddict I hear what you are saying. I do not agree with what the presenter said about a lengthier profile being better. IMO, the stereotypes mentioned are more what online sites are about. Outside of those, it almost won't matter what you say and how revealing you are. I'm not saying you can't make a connection, but it is more the exception than the rule if and when you do. Online dating sites are superficial, not natural and are more akin to a job application. Also, one is giving much more info than they normally would to someone they've just met, let alone someone they haven't met. But, online you're giving that info to anyone and everyone who sees your profile, not just a potential love interest. Everyone is learning about you. Could be a co-worker stumbles across your profile or even your boss. It wasn't meant for them, but there it is. If you're out and about and you catch someone's eye and there seems to be an attraction, you are not going to walk over and give them the complete 411 on yourself and neither will they. You sense a mutual interest before you open your mouth. You ease your way into a conversation and decide what you're comfortable sharing. It won't be a bio right out of the gate and if you have a "great sense of humor and love to laugh," you won't have to TELL them, they will SEE it. Online dating is backwards; it's more the cart before the horse.

[@TheMagache]

@@KofWands2QofCups Generally, 90% of the conversations I start that last at least a week die instantly and randomly for no reason. I'd assume they either found someone they think is more interesting or they are just using you for attention.

[@TheMagache]

@@rachaelstanley7986 Wrong. You ask them any earlier than that and they say something like "we only just started talking". You can't really judge how long you can wait because some girls are extremely skittish to meet some guy offline in a public place. Which boggles my mind. It works sometimes. I've met girls the next day but most of the time it's a hard no.

[@TheMagache]

@@rachaelstanley7986 Depends. Some only respond once a day. It can take 10 days to get all that information. I honestly think that most people just use online dating as a game or something to do when they are bored. You can have a decent convo with someone and then you ask them out and they disappear only to message you a week later. Then you ask them again and they disappear again.

[@jessabella77]

I was about to reply at the beginning of this before they got into breaking down the data and say the people that are single are single because they aren’t truly open to the experience. I was really into someone for about a week and heavily exchanging messages back and forth. We set a date and I got all dressed up and then spent 2 hours waiting at the restaurant for them to show up. They then blocked me on everything. And of course I was hurt and I though I did something wrong even though just the night before we were laughing for hours on the phone. But they just weren’t ready. And two weeks later I met my now girlfriend and we’re now moving in together. Will it work out, I sure hope so but the important part is that we’re truly open with each other and to the relationship. Like things people usually hide for a while or permanently from a partner. And it’s been the best relationship I’ve had. And I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been dating off and on through online dating for 7 years. This is my third relationship started through it. And some might see that as a failure but I had a relationship for almost 4 years with someone that I met online. At a certain people things don’t work out because of the people not because of the way they met. It works if you want it to and you’re open and your standards are true to who you want to find. Just some food for thought if you’re struggling with finding someone. It may be awhile but don’t be afraid to be open.

[@sapphirestrm]

But what about the part where men go after younger women and women go after higher salaries (personally I like engineers and scientists ); how does this relate to the premise that people need to be more open and share more?

[@5tonyvvvv]

Creepy? it was very common for a 40 year old man to marry 20 years olds, 80 years ago... a man wasn't established till around 40 years of age, and a 40 year old women was not a good choice to get pregnant and start a family with.... And Online, men have to send out 200 messages a day! To get one single reply!

[@meeeeeeauuuuuuuu]

I think those were the points to attract audience's attention and to give a sample data indicating their theory is valid and backed by data.

[@datther]

What about it? I prefer younger women with higher salaries. Check that. Younger women WITH MONEY

[@davidpierce9949]

I like women between 35 and 55

[@PyromancerRift]

Rectification : You like HOT engineers and CUTE scientists. Women tend to forget to tell the physical part comes before anything else.

[@josefranciscodasilvaeolive674]

Very solid TED Talk. One of the best I've seen in years. Kudos 👏👏

[@Boahemaa]

Very informative. I suspected as much. Nice to have data backing. Online dating is no different than real life dating

[@MadawaskaObservatory]

This is VERY good. Thank You.

[@waterbug1135]

Most people online dating are looking for attention. Not even interested in dating. Some are looking for free meals. Most are looking for unicorns, A few are looking for realistic relationships. But wading through the majority of ghost and fake profiles, wasting time on people looking for flattery takes a lot of time in the hope of finding any serious profiles. It's a big waste of time.

[@jaketbarney]

If you put their names together it means beautiful in Korean... Arum Dawoon (아름다운)

[@celestchie]

Looks like they're sisters... Amazing how their parents named them (Beautiful) Arum & Dawoon 😍 I think these aren't common names in Korea?

[@auntielei_official]

Exactly!

[@Thomas-1023]

This is sheer brilliance. I recently enjoyed a similar book, and it was absolutely brilliant. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint

[@clairecoco]

time to optimize CMB profile ☺️

[@ivaylopetkov6707]

Since when is it creepy for a 27 year old man to like a 21 year old woman?

[@Arkane117]

Women complain that men likes women just for looks but at the same time, if we say we don't think they are that pretty but like them for their personality, then you wouldn't like it! Same is not true for how women who like men for money. If a women says to a man that she likes him for his personality and don't care about his money, he would love it! A lot of women don't understand how much they get away with because men are attracted to them physically/visually. If we don't like you for your looks, then you'd have to actually be nice to us and work a lot harder for us to like you. The truth is you want us to like you for your looks! so stop complaining about it! Also, different men have different tastes. There is a man out there who thinks you are physically attractive. It's just a matter of if you are willing to date them.

[@domais68]

I remember her pitching an online dating deal, with two others that might have been her sisters, on "Shark Tank." Super smart woman! I'm pretty sure Mark Cuban offered to buy 100% of her Co. for 30 million.

[@KarimVarela]

Amazing talk Dawoon and Arum! You guys rock!

[@TShashini266]

ah! how come women don't like Engineers and Scientists?

[@unknowndriver6652]

Amaranth Bliss can i get your number?

[@thothheartmaat2833]

cuz they are the nerds and doctors lawyers and financial guys are the cool guys..

[@watching99134]

Unless they are engineers or scientists themselves?

[@huckmart2017]

They don't make nearly as much money as you think they would. And they are mostly nerds I would think .

[@victoriaring3846]

I like intelligent men. Was married to an engineer.

[@eq7671]

I have a crazy idea. How about "don't do online dating". Especially if you're a man.

[@JonnyEarthling]

Good advise

[@Kaffee_auf_ex]

I found this really interesting, especially the part about rejection, although I feel like most people commenting only listen to what confirms their opinion.

[@Pawn_Universe]

Absolutely, im agree with you

[@sanesaint8725]

you make it sound so easy I've talked to over 3,000 people most of them fake

[@keithmoriyama5421]

This is a text book case on why "WOMEN DON'T GET IT" The biggest factor is missing: men do all the work... or as female dating couch Keiza Nobel says-- "when it comes to dating WOMEN DO NOTHING, NOTHING!

[@JaysonT1]

Keith Moriyama Nobel is a con artist, dude.

[@dumfriesspearhead7398]

There are apps where women make the first move.

[@soepil]

I would think that the succes of online dating depends on the type of dating app you're using. If you go for "looks"-apps, and you're not a looker, you'll probably fail. Go for apps, where people write about themselves more. In the end, looks are not that important - it's the chemistry between you that counts.

[@lesliepaternoster3470]

It is so sad that we have come to the point of online dating ( I did find an ex boyfriend ) we isolate and then think this will solve that. More often than not it makes matters worse

[@Oshanii]

very good talk. straight to the point, interesting and supported by data. not just empty words you've heard before.

[@HackerReportBFH]

Agreed, except that she summed it up with what she was told by people who had to defend their short profiles. So the answers concluded, "They were afraid". The people were not asked to study their actions or use any scientific approach to reach their conclusion. In my experience I have noticed that people asked to judge themselves often give themselves the excuse their ego can handle and an excuse that is easy to explain and have accepted. I think her summary is flawed.

[@nicoaa2522]

I feel like your personal experience and the speakers summary actually go hand-in-hand. Why do you think people give themselves excuses their ego can handle? Because they are scared of confronting things thier ego cant handle.. like rejection.

[@nashvilleoutlaw]

@@nicoaa2522 I ditched online dating a few years ago. Started using it in the early 2000's when I left home as a way to meet people and for the last 5 years I didn't put any information other than the drop menu stuff and a few pictures. Was I scared or did I simply think, what's the point of writing a nice profile for a bunch of bots, scammers and abandoned profiles that all of these sites use to say "look how popular we are!". Now the FTC is suing the owners of Match and about 45 other dating sites for the fake and scam profiles they have been using to persuade users to upgrade to a paid membership to see or message the fake profiles. It's all been a scam for a good 10+ years now.

[@54tristin]

Monetizing relationships is what I call the threshold of creepy

[@agee7777]

online dating is for casual relations. a women will never fully trust a man that she met online.

[@talexander7217]

It is so true. I've only been doing this for a little while and I have come to the same conclusions as these two ladies. It is like a damn meat market. It is set up so you only see the pictures at first and then scroll down to the profile. So I'll be browsing and see someone that looks nice or has an interesting picture. If I scroll down and they only have a few words, 9 times out of 10 I will skip them.

[@Texas240]

"threshold of creepiness." It's good to see she isn't judgemental. The irony of this "creepy" factor is that the statistics showed that younger women were more attracted to men with higher salaries (aka older men).

[@yanadre9154]

The first graph showed only women of what age men like the most. The second graph was about professions and income of men. Do you only read statistics about sugarbaies/sugardaddies? When it comes to serious relationships women mostly like guys their own age. However women in their 30s, 40s etc. actually like younger men. Men's physical prime is between 25 and 30.

[@Texas240]

@@yanadre9154 - justify the wall however you like...

[@twinturbo3461]

Men like younger women because generally speaking after 30 women tend to hit the wall, what that means is that their looks start to decline.. especially Caucasian women.. that is a no brainier.

[@MacX5x]

omg this is Coffee meets Bagel!!!

[@janicesmith1956]

Heard a lot from women who have tried this online dating or men looking for women who own their houses. They want what you have. Be careful ladies.

[@PUREtrollin]

My opinion online dating is only good if you're female. As a man there's no point in even trying online, the girls there are looking for someone perfect on biography, not what you're actually like in person. I'm not trying to be vain but I'd consider myself to be a really good looking dude, and I've tried online dating for 2 years now and it's damn struggle I have no idea what these girls are looking for online.

[@XColumbX]

theyre all trying to find that 6'6" guy so they can better their girlfriends. theyre all competing against their girlfriends

[@ChiCityLady]

If they're mid-20s or older, looks aren't everything. Stable career, no kids, looking for something semi-serious are generally the minimum.

[@JaysonT1]

ChiCityLady So, basically money.

[@essentialoilsme]

ChiCityLady what is said and what is done are two different things a lot of times, especially in (online) dating.

[@essentialoilsme]

Jayson T Vanity upfront, financial security after that box is checked

[@BeastMode11202]

I know a lot of women who use online dating apps for popularity. That's why I quit

[@JohnathanCamien]

It's an ego boost. I know of women who are in relationships that use them for "I still got it" ego boosts, some even use it to set up their next bf before leaving their current.

[@RJ-zr9ss]

So true, there are many women, and I'm sure men too that use it for ego

[@dark_architect1644]

The only problem is when you never get like by anyone. So your just alone and cant message anyone.

[@djbackspin911]

I shouldn't have to rely on technology to find the one

[@ItsGioOfficial]

A female friend consistently whipes right on Tinder for a day: 30 matches 23 messages. I do the same for a week , 7 matches, 3 messages. 3 look like Donkeys 🤷🏽‍♂️

[@cocojumbo197]

You did well, I got 2 donkeys and 1 elephant from 6 months of relentless swiping

[@ItsGioOfficial]

@@cocojumbo197 😂😂

[@dumfriesspearhead7398]

When you describe people as animals, any sympathy goes out of the window. It's a shame you got ANY responses at all.

[@b3nzyme]

I do those things and still have been single for years

[@javierjaime9386]

Want an advice?

[@daveweremczuk2729]

I have a lengthy profile and its all true and honest, every msg i send is thought out and spacific to the person, and i never bat out of my league.... and never even a hi back, nevermind a thoughtful response... oh and i genuinly want a relationship and profile reflects that

[@nouranalaa77]

I love this feedback one of the most beautiful & real videos about love online experience that most people rejects....I've always had doubts towards dating someone online till I experienced it myself ....& Guess what it could happen to you too...coz simply the one you will never appeal to through texts you obviously won't like in a face to face interaction.... only if we allow ourselves to be true enough open to possibilities we may end up in real long lasting relationship the rules are always the same it only takes some courage to start a whole new experience based on honesty and acceptance chances are ...having what you always dreamed of 👍👍

[@samuelkim7964]

Hi Nouran, I am glad you shared your opinion about this TedTalks video. I have never tried online dating apps or even websites before because I was always skeptical about the malicious stereotypes of online dating. However, watching this video and gaining insight from your own experience made me see online dating differently. I am glad that online dating has worked for you! Thanks for your words of advice and in fact, I may try it myself one day. :)

[@nouranalaa77]

@@samuelkim7964 it was all by chance back then...never logged in to a dating website or anything like that it was not intended or anything it all began when he sent me a friend request on Facebook almost seven years ago it was not easy we aparted then reunioned the point should be clear here that there will be challenges to live & face maybe harder than in normal ways to establish a relationship ...all I know he is the only man for me ever since the day we met...so yes sometimes it worth it ....wish you best of luck 👍

[@yunpeng03]

I never got anything out of CMB. I just use Okcupid...went on a whole bunch of dates and still single right now lol

[@BlackStar185]

+YP Liu I actually had the opposite happen. My CmB profile does so much better than OkCupid profile.

[@irisnov11]

Yun I use both app but never seen you

[@donaldfewell9929]

I found Ok Cupid to be a washout.

[@kenboon6152]

all the couples at the end all looked like they had professional jobs all good looking ,not your average couple..

[@tremainw1413]

I tried online dating once, it didn't work. So I tried it again, and before I knew it - I ended up married, middle aged and with more in number than we had - when we met. Now what do we do!??? When everyone swore "online dating didn't work", there was no way I was expecting all this, as an outcome!

[@Prakash-vs3yo]

Thanks

[@kayrosis5523]

Pfft. I've done everything they recommended, been open, vulnerable, and reveal who i really am. and in 7 years, have had no success whatsoever. Some people are just unlovable

[@joshclyde9347]

The feels