The Couple Who Changed How I Relate: Lessons from the Godparents of Love

#376: The Couple Who Changed How I Relate: Lessons from the Godparents of Love
In this episode, I have the absolute honor of welcoming legendary relationship experts Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt. I had to pinch myself when I met them - it was a full circle moment for me. I found Harville and Helen’s work at a time in my life when I was deeply confused about relationships. I didn't know why I was so good at talking about everything but my feelings. I didn't know why I chose the people I chose or was the way I was. Harville and Helen’s work and their book gave me context to my personal relational patterns and a framework for relating better.
In this episode, Harville and Helen discuss the transformative power of dialogue in relationships and the importance of curiosity and open-mindedness. We explore the complexities of emotional healing and self-awareness in relationships, the concept of unconscious attraction in romantic partnerships, and how childhood needs and experiences shape adult behaviors and relationships. Tune in for a profound conversation that will surely impact the way you relate in your life moving forward.
Harville Hendrix Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt Ph.D. are co-creators of Imago Relationship Therapy and a social movement called Safe Conversations. Internationally respected as couple’s therapists, educators, speakers, activists, and New York Times bestselling authors, their 10 books, including the timeless classic, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, have sold more than 4 million copies. Harville appeared on the Oprah Winfrey television program 17 times! Helen was installed in the Women’s Hall of Fame and the Smithsonian Institute. They have six children and eight grandchildren.
-Harville & Helen’s Instagram: / harvilleandhelen
-Harville & Helen’s Website: harvilleandhelen.com/
-Harville & Helen’s Website | Safe Conversations: https:/quantumconnections.com
-Harville & Helen’s Website | Imago Relationship: imagorelationships.org/
-Harville & Helen’s Book: Getting the Love You Want: harvilleandhelen.com/books/ge...
-Still Face Experiment: Dr. Edward Tronick: • Developmental Sciences...
If you want to dive deeper into Mark’s content, search through every episode, find specific topics we’ve covered, and ask him questions, go to his Dexa page: dexa.ai/markgroves
Themes: Authenticity, Belonging, Breakups, Relationships, Boundaries, Self-Worth, Self-Love, Health, Codependency, Dating, Attachment Theory, Transformation, Conflict, Parenting, Mental Health, Dialogue, Curiosity, Childhood Experiences, Unconscious Attraction, Relationship Development, Self-Awareness, Self-Care, Collaboration, Relationship Experts, Harville Hendricks, Helen Hunt
0:00:00 Intro
0:03:57 Dialogue for World Change
0:06:01 The Historical Significance of Dialogue
0:14:54 The Structure of Dialogue
0:20:52 The Impact of the Still Face Experiment
0:22:08 The View of Human Nature
0:26:43 The Rupture in Human Connection
0:32:43 The Essence of Being in Relationships
0:36:37 Importance of Teaching Relationship Skills
0:40:52 Unconscious Associations and Negative Impacts
0:52:04 Romantic Attraction and Illusions
0:53:23 Transition to Power Struggle
1:03:18 Principles of Real Love
1:13:45 Embracing Dialogue and Love in Daily Life
This episode is sponsored by BON CHARGE: Use code MARKGROVES to save 15% at markgroves.com/BONCHARGE
Contact us at [e-mail] for sponsor product support, questions, comments, or just to say hello!

[@analinagarcia]

I can appreciate how honest they are about how they almost divorced 🙏🏽

[@RyanDelasaux-qf1mr]

We probably want to listen to older folks about relationships, not some Instagram influencer! Thank you this is helping me!

[@markgroves]

If you haven't read "getting the love you want" -- their book, it's incredible!

[@RyanDelasaux-qf1mr]

Thank you, I’m going to buy it.

[@ellenskerritt7392]

I enjoyed hearing various viewpoints, however, to state that becoming an ‘autonomous person’ is a pathology only pushes people to dependency. I believe at times it’s important to allow yourself to be dependant, however, the other person may not always be available to support you and this is where self-dependency comes in. Dr David Schnarch provides this viewpoint that people are constantly balancing a need for individuality and togetherness throughout life and this doesn’t make them a bad person - it’s inherent to the human experience

[@DelSunflower33]

“Your survival is guaranteed by YOUR CHOICE to become a GIVER!!!” Woah

[@carmenlux1775]

well i am a bit skeptical about this one as it implies that givers can convert takers into givers also simply by being givers....seems a bit naive to me. Having been around the block once or twice and would rather say that givers need to learn the value of boundaries and reciprocity rather than unconditionally giving. if there is no reciprocity, it is only a matter of time before giving becomes depleting.

[@alejandravalenzuela342]

That is the point that i was reflecting on.

[@JenniferBasuel]

This made my heart feel soothed. Very real.

[@nicksolaczek]

Great interview! Awesome to see Harville and Helen on the show!

[@markgroves]

They are the BEST!

[@tylercrooks8659]

Wonderful discussion, Mark. What I’m curious about is the difference between needs in a relationship and expectations. From what I have learned and understand, a resentment shows up with an unmet expectation. To me, a relational need is under an expectation, which shows up as a resentment, when unmet. If we don’t communicate what our needs are, it’s hard for our partner to know what we need. So, how do we release expectations, when we have needs, especially when we know they aren’t getting met? How would resentment not be present? Can you help me bridge this understanding gap?

[@DelSunflower33]

You have to meet those needs yourself FIRST. I remm digging into this couple years found it thru the personality development school with thai Gibson

[@DelSunflower33]

Her channel is on KZbin and yes would love mark to cover this as well

[@markgroves]

Hey Tyler! Relational needs are essential. So when a partner doesn't meet them, the resentment that's projected on to them is really a deeper reflection that we don't honour the need ourselves. Whether we're communicating it or not is another path of exploration -- because sometimes we use the weaponization of resentment to hold power over our partner.

[@tylercrooks8659]

@@markgroves that feels true to my experience and makes sense to me. Thx for your perspective.

[@PixelatedReality80]

I love all of this and have been journey through different relationships to get to the self love part. However, I’m still trying to find someone I can create a relationship that can deepen that growth. ❤

[@pugninja7037]

Thank you ❤

[@lethabomaupa]

Lately I've been asking myself why I am attracted to certain kinds of men and why they keep showing up in my life and this came up!!! ❤

[@denisethomas1581]

Love them.

[@_GodIsDivine]

I think this episode just saved my life 😭

[@markgroves]

Wow ♥thank you for this. Aren't they incredible? Sending you SO much love. I am so so glad you are here.

[@christinebluso782]

Exception: abusive behavior.

[@natasharostova5186]

do all people marry their caretaker who didnt meet certain needs or can this be prevented and how?

[@markgroves]

When we recognize we're doing this, we can begin (or continue) to change who we choose and how we show up to relationships. I would argue that almost everyone does choose based on the influence of their caretakers... securely attached and attuned parents do create attuned children!

[@jvranic]

These are the people we should listen to about relationships, not freaking andrew tate

[@markgroves]

Amen to that!