Want To Gain An Upper Hand With A Narcissist? Try These Lines

Narcissists clearly believe they are smarter and more enlightened than you, which means they are often be impossible to reason with. Dr. Les Carter describes how you can gain an edge by the way you respond to their "superior" remarks. He gives specific illustrations of one-line comments that will keep you from joining them in their dysfunction.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his KZbin channel, his videos have received more than 100 million views.
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[@Lemana28021989]

Honestly, the most effective way is to "ok" them. They rage and provoke, you say "ok" and they go absolutely bonkers about it. Set boundaries, answer briefly, don't feed them with emotional reactions or information. Don't try to keep the upper hand, it would mean you participate in the game. Just leave them be and don't justify yourself.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

What you say here parallels what I say in the video.

[@kyki8512]

​@@SurvivingNarcissism👍💯❤️

[@MichaelPiz]

A very mildly interested sounding, terse "Hm" accomplishes the same.

[@misottovoce]

@@ramonaearnest4709 Oh yes! They feed on the drama!

[@katiefrankie6]

My husband is the master at using “Ok.” He’s brilliant at it! He’s trying to train me, who likes to argue or pursue the point, to just shrug and say, “Ok.” As he puts it, “You can be right and never tell anyone else about.” That’s how he deals with his parents, who are often very unreasonable. There’s no need to convince others that you are right, especially when they aren’t open to new ideas. Just be right and be content with it.

[@karenfisher4170]

My psychologist told me, “you don’t have to stay for the whole party.” This tactic had never occurred to me. I now attend gatherings, have dinner, exchange gifts and then graciously leave before the conversations become unbearably inebriated and insulting.

[@michellehill718]

Lol ♥️

[@kr4382]

@SpiritLove722 holy crap just suspend your politeness. They are rude just walk away and get in your car for God's sake. And then never go back. I separated from someone but when I moved back home and someone who was toxic may have followed me and got in line at the grocery store right behind me. I did not know until I turned while in line. I just let my eyes keep moving, looked right through her, and paid for my crap and left. I saw her in my peripheral. She thought she had me and didn't realize I did not have to acknowledge she exists.

[@carpathianken]

That makes sense. It's like the narcissist isn't satisfied unless they've created drama or conflict. Rob them of the payoff that they're looking for by walking away & leaving. It's perfect.

[@yvettemprimus8665]

🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧 One time I was trying to back out of dealing with an obnoxious narcissist and ended up saying, YOUR UNNECESSARY DRAMA IS VERY BORING. THEN I LET OUT A BIG LONG SLOW YAWN. The person said, "That Yawn Looks Real." AND I SAID, "IT IS." And they said that calling them boring is the worst thing I could ever say because they ALWAYS have to be the life of the party, and burst into tears. That was the end of the conversation. And I turned around and walked away. 🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧🟧

[@happyday3368]

That's exactly right - I love what your therapist said - you don't have to stay for the whole party! Do your thing and leave when things get uncomfortable. Love it. I'm in a group now where I can see people already pulling back from this one particular person - they go to the ceremony and then don't go to the celebration afterwards because they want to contribute but don't want to endure the bs after that.

[@CJ-uo5cl]

Remember that every room has a door.

[@julisnyder9554]

Definitely

[@julisnyder9554]

I’m No Longer Going to Be The Lion in the Room about to Pounce when The Going Gets Ruff…

[@sandralogue1774]

Or window if need be

[@sephie4]

They try to block those too

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I wish I could tell my dad off, he is such a jerk, while the door hits his sorry ass on the way out. I am no-contact with him; that works!

[@rickabr123]

Never let anyone draw you into their storm. You draw them into your peace.

[@AnnK.-vu2yp]

I’m not letting them anywhere near my peace LOL

[@lesleyofferhall8133]

@@rickabr123 I absolutely love your comment, can I adopt it?

[@Frederiekje221]

1. Help me understand what makes you ask that question ". 2. You cartainly have your opinion, you and I think very differently. 3. "I (honestly) have nothing (more) to add to the conversation". 4. Since you and I can't seem to agree to the basics, the conversation can end here 5." Being right seems to be very important to you." 6. "My sense of self respect demands that I excuse myself from this conversation " 7. My sense of self is my top priority right now 8. " If you push me into a corner, that leaves me no other optio n but to say no".

[@evelyne7071]

Thank you for the compilation.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Apple's "Think Different" is a great slogan, it is empowering!

[@sunshinejenny777]

None of these sayings would work with an overbearing narcissist. The only answer with my mom Is agreement.

[@jilllloyd7792]

Yep I would only get maybe two, three words in before one of my narcissistic sisters continues her attack. Giving in and agreeing with your mother may seem the best or maybe only thing you can do, but in the long term it will destroy you. I was one sister's narcissistic supply for years. She destroyed my career prospects and tried to destroy my marriage; she also tried to do me serious physical harm. Words matter; they shape your reality. Don't let her shape it. My little brother might giggle and say "If you say so!" (Brave man.) My responses - laughter - if I can manage it. Usually I don't feel able to laugh. I feel cowed and ashamed. But I would consider smiling innocently and squeaking "Nope!" "Yeah? Nah!" "Uh oh!" "Sheesh! What a grouch!" or acting dumb, as if her whole tirade has gone right over my head. Asking, in a gentle tone of voice, "why?" can disrupt her flow and disarm her, enabling you to make your escape. But the best way to deal with a narcissistic bully is to leave. Leave the conversation. Leave them. Never go back, whatever they do or say. But FWIW, if you're unable to leave at the moment, I think saying "What?" "Please explain" or "Help me understand why you would say that" are very good ways of reversing the flow, forcing them to repeat themselves and/or examine themselves, and simultaneously handing them their shovel so they can dig themselves into an even deeper hole. Especially effective if there are other people around to see them expose and repeat their own nastiness. Narcissistic bullies want soft targets, and if you become that little bit colder, tougher, more detached, less accessible, they may well dial back their attacks and go in search of lower-hanging fruit.

[@ryanjeanes5253]

"I thought I raised you better than this." "You didn't. Which is why I had to raise myself."

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Ooh, good one.

[@ryanjeanes5253]

Thank you, Dr. C. Youda man!@@SurvivingNarcissism

[@ellengrace4609]

My mother would pull one like this. She would sigh heavily and say “I guess I failed” (in raising you). I would laugh and say “Yep, I guess you did.” That would usually end the conversation.

[@patriciasimons1873]

Love this

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

My mom and her parents raised me much better than you could ever have raised me!

[@NatashaBadenov-k1d]

I "gain an upper hand with narcissists" by not having them in my life. I can't change them and I don't want to be abused by them so I'm gone.

[@Loudpack_music]

big facts

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Who are they to judge and dictate anyone else's behavior? They have no authority!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I evicted my narc dad from taking up space in my head. He's not worth the trouble, I am not in contact, nor do I want to, with him. I win!!

[@ulfpe]

Another interesting thingbis that they seems to have a big memory for all bad things you might have done

[@fokker34]

While forgetting all the things they themselves did!

[@Chariots1981]

They hold onto grudges as healthy people would hold onto precious things. And boy their memories are soooo selective. It would be hilarious if it weren’t so sad.

[@roseluvslux7604]

LOL!!!! 💯💯💯💯

[@DitDot55]

❤ whoa! My favorite line is: (I'm glad that) "your opinion of me doesn't dictate my reality"

[@roxymovie3938]

Dorothy, this is such a brillant line. I wrote this sentence on paper. If you don't mind I will add this to my list I made here in one of my comments. Thank you 🙏💛🙏

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

"My opinion of your is none of your business"

[@barbarakelly1916]

"Think what you like. I don't agree. "

[@happyday3368]

Words to live by! Love this!

[@renag9475]

Thanks so much for this ammunition PG when facing my ex at our upcoming son's wedding

[@DelsMovers]

I was caught off guard when someone asked me if the person I interviewed for a job was black. All I could think to say was, "I don't know, I didn't ask.'

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Great response!

[@Kathy-kr1sv]

Funny and I dare say got a blank stare😅

[@Skazoonit]

That was a priceless comeback! 😂 Brilliant!

[@ruthslater6364]

Well let's nit forget that sometimes theres a quota to fill with a minority to meet the govts requirements so it might pay to be black or a minority. . It's called " affirmative action " 😊

[@naomicanuto3993]

Thanks for that. Best laugh I've had for a while.😂

[@shiny7301]

I don't want to gain anything with or against a narcissist anymore it's just a waste of time and energy. I only want to run away from a narcissist. No talking, no connection. Thanks Dr Carter ❤❤

[@ljroberts3739]

Exactly.

[@RobSlopezJr]

Not always an option. My problem isn't in any relationship, other than neighbors. This entire family can't stand that I stopped them when trying to steal the other neighbors' stuff when i caught them and now they cant, when on a nightly they'd go and check everyones doors and if u happened to forget to lock ur car, they went through it. Since they can't do that anymore, they keep harrassing me, threatening me, they've tried smear campaigns to the other neighbors, etc. I can't move, so sometimes you have no choice.

[@shiny7301]

@@RobSlopezJr This is a really difficult situation:(

[@ytmvbergieb]

Absolutely a total waste of time and energy. I can't run but I can grey rock.

[@RobSlopezJr]

I am trying not to get baited anymore, but its a bit hard. I find myself ignoring them, but i also find myself getting so mean. I hate that about myself. Yes, i can ignore them and not get triggered into giving into my anger, yet i still find i cant help but act like i am talking to my anmals, knowing they are listening and i cant stop talking ish. I get really mean too. Why cant i stop that? It's not like it even makes me feel good, because i feel bad afterwards.

[@MuckBootMama]

My narc husband finally agreed to see a therapist, and then said how much he taught the therapist, and how grateful the therapist was to learn from him. Unbelievable. That’s when I truly understood how impossible this situation is for me.

[@meredithheath5272]

Yup - that's the "cognitive creativity" of psychopaths and narcissists - expert at twisting things to their favor - even if, initially, their situation wasn't in their favor, they can turn things in their favor, for themselves 😮 I have learned tbis the hard way...

[@zellerized]

LOL

[@secondhorizon]

"Sure, whatever you say."

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

We're tracking along the same wavelength.

[@secondhorizon]

@@SurvivingNarcissism "Lately I just judge the distance, Not the words I hear." *Till It Shines* (Bob Seger & the Silver Bullet Band)

[@kyki8512]

I loved when you said to tell the narcissist....." I know being right is very important to you"! 😂😂😂😂😂👍💯❤️ I will be using this statement with the KNOW IT ALL'S in my life! It will save me from the exhaustion that comes from talking to people who don't want genuine solutions and from people who ask me what I think about something but when I give them my honest opinion they want to argue about it! 🥴😂😂😂 THANK YOU for sharing your wisdom! You are appreciated! 👍💯❤️

[@surferdude4487]

And they will likeley come back with something like, "You're darn right that being right is important to me. That's the first thing you got right all day.".

[@r1leyb0y1]

@@surferdude4487 , where is the laugh button?

[@storygirl33]

Well I am sure, my sister would get mad, and if I said " I know being right is important to you" but she'd love it if I said "you're always right, how do you manage to you know everything?! 😅😂

[@cookiemama4]

@@r1leyb0y1 🤣

[@madameedith]

@@surferdude4487 Yep, the narc I know would say "Well, I AM right. Who else would be right, you?" 😂

[@czeketa6140]

You are about the only one online who understands that many people are not in the position to "leave and go no contact". Your channel is so vital for those who must survive these situations on daily bases. Thank you for EFFECTIVE guidance that brings fragments of peace into my life.

[@kathleenstoin671]

I'm in that position. I'm trying to find a balance now, and Dr. Carter has been so helpful in helping me understand narcissism. Now I need to learn to retrain myself to deal with the situation in a productive, healthy manner. It's going to be hard, but I'm determined to take my life back!

[@love2learnmitchell329]

When my narc contemptuously dismisses me, I smile and walk away. Or if it's done in a text, I send them a smiley face with hearts and tell them 2 have a nice day. They absolutely hate that. A couple of times I sent them the heart emoji and told them I love you. They proceeded to go into a rage and let me know they didn't appreciate my attitude. I can't understand why. I was only being nice, but I felt good because I didn't respond the way she expected and because I didn't take what she said personally. I was able to express feelings of love. Not my fault she couldn't accept what I said. She was really upset, but I felt good!😁😂🤣

[@Anotherperson-m5b]

True. It's insensitive ND naive to think every one can just leave. Sometimes, it's life or death, especially if the narc is a gangster and knows your parents and children and cops.

[@Denise-y2c]

Wish it was different. @62 years old having narcissistic parents. One deceased. One now 86. I am taking care of Mother, while being disabled myself. Can't be no contact. Just began having an understanding of how& why of it all, 2 yrs. Now.

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

I also find Jerry Wise immensely helpful. He covers some great ideas.

[@angelawade1445]

Calm, always stay calm. Don't make their day. Never agree just to calm the storm. State how you feel. Then move on or say nothing else. Calm.

[@jeankipper6954]

My dear brother was murdered by his own gun. A person took it from him and killed him with it. Note that we were both CPTSD, with very cruel childhoods with narcissist parents. After his death, his wife invited herself to tea at my house. Once there she proceeded to explain to me how very ignorant, stupid, fouled up and lost I was. This was, in my opinion and with words I now know (thanks, Dr. C!) pure projection. Under a microscopic veneer of "Christianity." I did not have these tools. I defaulted to a version of gray rock. And have not contacted her since. I pity her kids, but I don't volunteer to be her victim too.

[@justjosie8963]

These tools 20 years ago would have changed my life for the better.

[@joyslove3858]

I'm sorry you lost your brother, especially in that manner.

[@Hatbox948]

What was her beef with you? Was she blaming you for your brother's death? Boy, she had some nerve.

[@jeankipper6954]

At a guess, I expect my brother, like me, married a flaming narcissist. After all, we considered that to be normal. Yes. Very strange person. At least I got out of it alive, if badly damaged. I miss him, he was the only person in that family who was a good person.

[@nmartin5551]

@@Hatbox948I suspect he found himself a narcissist. Sadly, we often end up with what is familiar in a spouse, even if we detested the circumstances in which we grew up. And man oh man, the narcissist LOVES Christianity as a costume for their narcissism.

[@canoedoc2390]

Tell them, "I don't think I'm going to take that bait", and move on.

[@kerrib2568]

You know how they love to instruct you how to do very simple things…in detail…every time? Like using the washing machine & dryer. She will tell me what setting to use, the temperature, how much detergent, how to clean the lint trap…like a 10 minute lecture how how to do things the “right” way. I used to get mad that she was treating my like I’m stupid. Now I just tune her out, and when the words stop I say “Wait…which one is the dryer again?” 😅

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That made me chuckle.

[@melb2734]

LOL. I think it's the one that has the water. 😂

[@kerrib2568]

@@melb2734 I’m pretty sure you’re right! 💧🙃🤭

[@CTC006]

My husband tells me I can't use the dryer at night. It could be 7pm in the evening. If he's ready to go to bed, it's too late.

[@aquagirl9228]

They will always act either the victim , villain or martyr. It's the same script over and over. Where the wheel stops nobody knows❤️🙏

[@janeadamsstrickland9486]

Yes the same thing over over over again! The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome!! They are insane!!!

[@manapeace]

A surprisingly effective reply I’ve found when a bullying narc makes entitled demands… “No, that’s something we need to discuss and negotiate first.”

[@CFF903]

There really is "no negotiation" platform with a Narcissist; they are allegedly (always right)!

[@manapeace]

@@CFF903 So true but with a flat no they always rage. By being open to negotiation it makes it difficult to publicly smear you. It also makes a statement that you expect to be treated as an equal, and are not their minion.

[@katiefrankie6]

I like it!!!

[@integrityintruth]

I like it too. I believe the best defense is having well put words on hand. I find its hard to know to say when you are triggered by a madman. My last response was, "because I care about, I try and talk to you and I speak normally. Talking to me like this does no good., in fact it does the opposite. I did nothing to be treated like this. So if you are going to be like that, I am not going to listen and I am going to go." I did scream a bit but he was intolerable. Anyways, I actually got an apology later, wow!

[@katiefrankie6]

@@integrityintruthGood for you!!

[@connieshea7700]

Walking away from these people is easier

[@suemalone5394]

Wish it was an option

[@gerdamacpherson4537]

Also wish it was a option. My daughter in law makes life so difficult. I want so see my grandchildren. 😢

[@i.l.9546]

No matter how calm and low of emotions I stood my ground, he either accused me of 'exploding in a giant outbreak' or 'being suddenly icecold like a stranger'. 😂

[@julisnyder9554]

Isn’t it Amazing how when We do Speak we are told to Be Quiet… Then When We Are Quiet… They Think of Any and All Scenarios as To Why? I’m either being 🤫 Hush… I’m Speaking Do Not Interrupt Me… But they Interrupt whenever You Speak… When You do Speak 🗣️ they take whatever Your Talking about and Make it Sound Better with Their Version of A Story they have Absolutely No Clue about. But they Add anything and Everything to Slide it in their favor and take Complete Control of All the Conversations this birthday party I’m going to this summer I’m not looking forward to, but I’m going to, but one of the narcissist is doing a slideshow of pictures of the family when we were growing up and I guarantee you anybody and everybody else in the family is gonna be able to speak but when I go to try and speak, I’m gonna be told to be quiet 🤫 quiet 🤫 so you know I’ve told my older sister about this that I already have that idea in my head that she’s going to do that, and my older sister said we shall see. I Feel that Negative Energy All Ready and This will take place middle of June. I’m doing All I can to Be Positive and Not Let those 2 narcissists Control the Entire Weekend.

[@michellehill718]

A classic line I learned from a co-worker while living in TN some years back: "Nope, not today!" Pure and simple. I sometimes like to add: Not a chance! Lol 🙃

[@roxymovie3938]

A good one 😂, Michelle 💪 I will add your line to my list of lines. Thank you 🙏💛🙏

[@michellehill718]

@@roxymovie3938 Lol ♥️

[@MrTergugah]

Very, very nice..... Haha 😀... It has an absolute finality to it!!.. Literally no comeback whatsoever... I really like this one.. Will try to use it 👍

[@aaronkwolfe]

My most effective, was the grey rock “Huh” or “Oh” in response to her wild claims and accusations. It was definitely not agreement, but it was acknowledgment of her communication. She could not claim I was giving her the silent treatment. But she also knew that there was no way I was agreeing with her.

[@Greenawareness188]

Aaron..... what ?😊

[@aaronkwolfe]

@@Greenawareness188 It was my equivalent of saying “Thank you for your response.” That would’ve triggered her. So I responded in an almost non-verbal way that could not be interpreted as agreement or confession to anything she was saying.

[@aaronkwolfe]

@@Greenawareness188 Maybe I need to do another TH video, this time of “Almost Non-verbals” to demonstrate.

[@Greenawareness188]

@@aaronkwolfe thanks !

[@Greenawareness188]

​@aaronkwolfe , okay .Any thing you say .

[@dianekyle5514]

JUST SAY "WHATEVER "

[@brittanyparistx]

You literally had me lol’ing at these PERFECT responses. “That’s certainly your perspective.” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it resonated!!

[@cookiemama4]

I'm new to narcissist abuse and have just started researching what the heck this woman is doing to me, and why! She's a co-worker. I have been taking care of my daughter for 2 years since she spent 6 months in the hospital paralyzed from a shooting by a stalker. 5 months ago, my daughter hired another woman to help. From Day one, the covert attacks and gaslighting began against me! She was like a wolf marking her territory! These things are done to me daily! My daughter is severely codependent who "survived" a 20 year marriage to a narcissist addict. (He wasn't the stalker). This woman lied about me to all my family, my adult daughters, adult grandchildren, and managed to turn them all against me. I found myself unable to defend myself because I had lost their support, and this woman made my daughter believe I keep forgetting things. She moves things, then brings them back within a couple weeks, and points to me like I just didn't see it! I am alone and I was confused because I knew the facts, but couldn't understand what was happening. This was one of a few channels I started watching and I finally understood! But I'm still learning. This woman is manipulating my daughter and taking advantage of her. My daughter will get very a large settlement, and I KNOW this "victim" woman has her future all mapped out..with HER as a "recipient" caregiver! Sorry this was so long. For me, it was just my story that no one has listened to or tried to understand. I know now there are many of you in the same boat! I believe there's a light at the end of this tunnel! ❤️🕊

[@grahamrankin5557]

A now ex-friend was loudly complaining that I hadn’t sought his advice and help when my partner and I were having a new house built for us, he was so pushy and disrespectful that my instinctive response which stopped him instantly was “Rome was built without your help!”, maybe not so diplomatic but it worked.

[@caroleminke6116]

Always take the higher road 😊 there’s less traffic & the people there are a whole lot nicer than narcs ❤

[@barbarakelly1916]

Also, when you reach a mountain top, the view is wonderful.

[@notagain779]

I have a friend who is a cool cucumber when it comes to dealing with annoying personalities. One of her favorite go to lines is: "And your point IS?" Not much ruffles her! 😂

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Sounds like my kind of person!!

[@jjule85azzuro4]

That’s my goal. Not to react.

[@patm.-xq5tr]

Recently I calmly & firmly used the statement, "We're going to have to agree to disagree." It worked.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Bingo!

[@lillyflower7491]

It's frustrating when your the only who " sees" the narciss.. you give me understanding after all this time.

[@josephineclark3239]

I'm a woman who met and had a year long relationship with a male narcissist. What hell that was. Never again. I can spot a narc a mile away and I will never engage again. Run like the wind!!! Thank you for all you do to inform others regarding narcissism. Father God and KZbin is how I figured out who/what I was dealing with. I thought I was going crazy for a moment. There were so many red flags I thought I was at the circus. Educate yourselves people and guard your heart!!!

[@melb2734]

Congrats on figuring it out in only a year and not decades!!!! 🎉

[@meredithheath5272]

​@melb2734 I know, right!!! I must be so cognitively deficient, as this all took me decades. (To be fair though, I did not have steady contact with that psychopath- I only did so when she decided that she was going to go after her father's [ My husband's, at that time]) Estate. )

[@grandmatoo]

My narcissist was aggressive at a holiday gathering. I was able to give short responses. I was able to manage myself. Growth for sure.

[@katiefrankie6]

I nearly jumped out of my skin when you quoted, “I thought I raised you better than this.” That is almost word for word what my narcissistic father says to me! Often it’s, “I thought I raised you to be more aggressive/spicy than this.” This is because I simply refuse to debate things with him anymore and it drives him crazy. He’s actually disappointed that my husband and I get along so well with each other and don’t argue! I just shrug and say, “I love you more than I love my own viewpoint on this,” or “I don’t want to argue politics with my loved ones - politicians aren’t going to ruin my relationships.” Oooh, but it takes the wind out of his sails!

[@caroleminke6116]

He’s just trying to get supply so saying that’s OK is truly your best bet

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

Well my mother raised me to expect the cold shoulder if I ever challenged her narrative. You would think I'd done something horrendously bad but I just trusted my own interpretation of events.

[@katiefrankie6]

@@SusanaXpeace2uThat had to have been quite the rough time growing up. I’m so sorry.

[@julietardos5044]

The best response to "I thought I raised you better than this," is "Clearly not."

[@katiefrankie6]

@@julietardos5044Ha!!! I love it!

[@shannonstoney1]

I like the one that says, "My sense of self-respect requires me to excuse myself." If it's just you and the narcissist, fine. But if you're at a family gathering, then you have to leave and can't spend quality time with the people you like. Sometimes I think the narcissists are actually trying to drive me away in this manner. I am skipping my dad's birthday party this year because my sister always attacks me, but this is not a big deal to me. Sometimes, though, I don't want to leave the gathering. What to say at that point, when the narcissist becomes really abusive and insulting even in the presence of other people? (I have also noticed that other people never talk back, because they don't want to become a target themselves, so in effect, I become very isolated.)

[@karenliles8548]

I’ve got a response learned from Meadow Devor (spell?). At a strategic point after they have devalued you to the point and just when you realize you May be losing your self control you say this in front of everyone… YOU ARE EMBARASSING YOURSELF”. And walk away.

[@annesom5648]

Once you’ve been abused by such an individual, you recognize them from a millions miles away. My skin crawl and survival mechanisms start… I know what I’m facing and I have to leave.

[@Cross-Examine]

🎯! Same here. Once you've been removed from the toxicity and have been healed, you recognize it miles away, and you have ZERO tolerance for it.

[@TVHouseHistorian]

My dad was not a narcissist, but displayed a lot of the insecurities that narcs tend to have. Many times growing up, I had to endure dad's explosions of fury and bluster which, looking back, had nothing to do with me. He was a hurting man who never dealt with his own insecurities. I learned very quickly that in order to disarm the situation, I needed to *not* be quick to come to my own defense, *say very little, if anything* during his rage events, and then walk away. Somehow, I knew his rages didn't have anything to do with me personally, but that they had to do with him not liking himself. As his firstborn son, I mirrored many of the attributes he hated about himself, and I understood that. ANYWAY, my experience pertains to this video because throughout the years, I have encountered a number of narcs, and as such I have been very successful in dealing with them. There is nothing more powerful than silence when these people are trying to gain power over you by putting you down. Maintain an objective stance by separating *their* problem from yourself. For me, I've found I very much enjoy (however sardonically, I admit) gaining the upper hand and watching them squirm and get even more hostile. Nevertheless, every single time, THEY are the ones who run for the exit to get away from me, and I very much enjoy watching them run.

[@cheryls.8168]

So mu ch of the beginning of this resonates with my first and middle child, trying to avoid being yelled at. My youngest seems to be following in narcs footsteps and I am at a loss of how to steer them out of that behavior.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

My narc dad thinks he is the only one who matters. He is invalidating, controlling and critical; demeaning. I've had more than enough from this jerk!

[@MT-tx7bu]

It only gets worse with age. Mine called me only to blame, shame and accuse me of stealing. I had to walk away. Take care of you.

[@hayleymcweeney7775]

My narc dad cut me out of his life when my mom died. It was the best thing that ever could have happened to me. So much peace now.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

@@MT-tx7bu Yes!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

@@hayleymcweeney7775 Best gift he ever gave to you! I'm sorry for the loss of your mom!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

@@MT-tx7bu Thanks, I will. No contact with him for 113 days now. I am less stressed!

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

My self-respect requires me to excuse myself, so I do and move on. Being myself is my top priority. Let’s take the high road , and all of the other phrases are equally applicable. Thank you 🙏 for this powerful message dr Carter❤ God bless you❤

[@FredHarvey-wp2qy]

During the latest diatribe I grey rocked all of her nasty comments. It ended when I said, "Fortunately for me, my self worth is not a function of what you think of me."

[@zanetheriau4470]

when they steal from your wallet then say this when you call them out for it. yeah... not sure how that's benefitting anyone.

[@Zeepjeliefs]

The narcissist that was in my life thinks it's okay to hit people, make mean jokes about their vulnerabilities, talk behind people's backs. To their face she presents herself as very friendly and caring. She sees nothing wrong with this behavior. It took me time to see she did not want to do anything different, even if I felt hurt by it. So I accepted this person for who she is and moved on. I don't argue with her, I just keep my distance. We are not compatible in our values. By the way I love this video Dr C., very helpful. Don't go there with them, to that place where you don't want to get.

[@jasonpattee5151]

The most impactful action we can use in these situations is to not let ourselves become dis regulated. It’s the ultimate way to love and respect who you are.

[@danalarose846]

That is a great idea, but I don't know how to do that.

[@jasonpattee5151]

It’s taken me a few years to understand what is happening when I’m faced with insults that are weaved within the fabric of someone else’s narrative. I no longer become dis regulated by the words used by the narcissist in relation to me because I know that is what they want. The more agitated and angry I would become, the more calm and centered they become. They were using my energy and replacing it with their negative energy. I calmly breathe through the words and think of them as I do a child who is throwing a tantrum. Even if they appear calm while doing it, it’s a facade. Once you own your own emotions, you own your own power. The more calm and mature you are, the more dis regulated THEY become. It takes practice. Over time you become stronger than you ever were. Stronger than before you met them. This is about you not them. They are a hopeless cause, you bring hope to the world. Build yourself and then help to build those around you 😊

[@integrityintruth]

@@jasonpattee5151 I think if you dod not depend on them for anything it is easier to have this point of view, or if you are not as bonded with them. If either of those, then what?

[@NeonCicada]

I know I'll be adopting these strategies into my communication style. _The work you're doing here is deeply appreciated._

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased!!

[@theartzscientist8012]

I believe it’s okay to express your feeling of hurt to what they do to you, but afterwards, be strong and walk away. We don’t want to be mean like them.

[@lindamaxwell1777]

I have a person that I have known for a long time. She is also passive aggressive. I learned to say “ you are probably right”. Absolutely stopped her in her tracks. I use it a lot!

[@arabianhorses4ever115]

Good ideas! Thank you. When my husband has made rude comments to me in front of others. I've said in an assertive voice "You are entitled to embarrass yourself if that is what you like to do" then just quickly go back to whatever it was that I was doing. The look on his red face , and the giggles from my adult children are so worth it!

[@DaisyChain44-d3x]

Great one liners! I had the extreme pleasure of abruptly shutting down my narcissistic sister-in-law by very calmly saying, "I am not going to debate you" ...she glares at me and she didn't know *what* to say, which was very satisfying :)

[@carolann4087]

Here is a good one liner. "I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce" lol

[@Foxybodydom]

This man just might have saved me. I already feel relief. Thank you.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So pleased!

[@marynorris9]

Sometimes the right words don’t come to you. In that case don’t say anything. Gray rock. Let them keep badgering you and mid sentence walk away. Turn away. You are not required to answer them. Make their statements irrelevant.

[@pauline-v3b]

Bend down and pick up something off the carpet and say calmly " excuse me, is this a part of your brain ?"

[@karenliles8548]

😂

[@roxymovie3938]

Whenever a Narc wants to bring you down (which is his job all the time), do not go into their space. 》Be brief 》Be calm/firm 》Do not defend yourself!!! Some lines: 1. Help me understand why you asked this? 2. That's certainly your perspective... We think differently. 3. I've nothing further to add to our discussion. 4. It's fair that our interpretations don't match. 5. I honestly have nothing to add. 6. I know that being right is very important to you. 7. My self respect requires me to excuse myself. 8. Being myself is my top priority right now. 9. If you must push me into a corner, then it leaves me to no other option than to say no. Be aware: 》The Narc will never understand you Dr Carter 👨‍🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈

[@Greenawareness188]

Thank you for being so kind .

[@roxymovie3938]

@@Greenawareness188 Thank you so much, Melony 🥰

[@yukio_saito]

Thank you for taking notes. 📓✍ Yes. There's nothing to add. It's meaningless to add anything. They will not understand you. 😮

[@roxymovie3938]

@@yukio_saito You are very welcome, Yukio 🙏💛🙏 The lines are not for them though because they won't understand anyway. These lines are for YOU. That YOU will feel better 😉

[@Earthy-Artist]

Since a child I'm by nature a person of peace. Comebacks you suggest are excellent. Unfortunately it doesn't matter what I 'say to' my narcissist husband. If I say nothing, or say something you suggested, he screams and yells anyway. His temper and anger is like a switch flipped permanently into the 'on' position. If I leave the room to escape him he follows me from room to room, even into the outdoors yelling in front of neighbors. He 'yells' most of the time. Even when 'talking' he talks overly loud to the point where I often wear hearing protection because the sound of his voice gives me internal and physical anxiety. Nothing is sacred, if we watch TV or movie he talks over them, if I'm explaining something, or telling a story he talks over me LOUDLY. My dog gets upset as well, she doesn't like the loud discord and want's peace like I do.

[@roxymovie3938]

Dear Earthy Artist, what you are describing here sounds so scary and nearly unbelievable but of course, I do believe you for I have also experienced the way that the other person is following you in the rage, which is very dysfunctional and threatens you even more for you are then missing an escape room which is utterly disturbing for yourself. As a natural person of peace, why are you still staying with a tyrant, who is your husband??? Isn't there any possibility for you to leave your husband? For your own health and even for the health of your dog it would be the best alternative to leave for your husband will never change. Wishing you all the best 🙏💛🕊🙏

[@Earthy-Artist]

@@roxymovie3938 Thank you so much for your understanding and concern. I fantasize about leaving. Mixed reasons I haven't left. Feeling weak, drained, depressed, with a lack of resources & finances, my religious beliefs, and wanting the relationship to be somehow improved/repaired/fixed.

[@schatz1876]

@Earthy-Artist what I don't understand is why you are still married to him.

[@cyndim8785]

@@Earthy-ArtistSo many of us are living this same life, you are not alone. If we could make it on our own we would be on our own already. Narcissist don’t change, they don’t know how too and if they do it’s only for the worse the older they get.

[@roxymovie3938]

Well, I see that you want to leave, which is a good first step. I do understand your reasons very well. Your core beliefs (a relationship has to be fixed, God has put you as wife and husband etc.), your health (depression, feeling weak etc.) and not having enough finances are a lot all together. Take your steps, one by one. You are always welcome 🙏💛🙏

[@kingster99me]

I’ve heard this over and over in these videos: Don’t engage. You engage, they’ve got you and all they want is to get you, get to you, get a reaction out of you. So I love this video and all they ways to politely and unemotionally just not engage. The upside is it will drive them nuts. So thank you!

[@TheRaspberry82]

“I am on a very different plane” !!!!!!❤❤❤❤. Perfect !!!! Clear and Concise 😊❤😊❤

[@user-mr3le4hs4e]

My mother is everything you describe. And when I have contact with her, no matter what I answer. She will continue with her one sided arguments and demeaning. She just won't stop. She gets life force out of being like that. Therefore I am keeping minimum contact. Thank you so much for your content, it is really helpful

[@tenningale]

Ditto. My covert narc mom has ridiculous opinions on everything, makes stuff up, gossips, manipulatively lies, tries to bait certain responses as a pretext to act up, etc. I just don't give any personal information to her (all info is weaponized against you), don't react, don't show emotions, and don't personalize her behavior.

[@user-mr3le4hs4e]

@@tenningale sounds familiar. I don't give any information because exactly as you describe, it will only be used against me. But she is trying to get as much information as possible. It seems very important to her. In the past I made the mistake to believe the best of her "because she is my mother". But unfortunately it doesn't serve for anything good

[@tenningale]

​@@user-mr3le4hs4e Sorry you have to deal with that. Before I connected the dots on what this type of behavior is, there would be times when I would share personal information and it gets so twisted for their own narrative. The gossiping, gaslighting, manipulation, projection, sweeping assumptions... They thrive on drama, gossip, chaos. Everything is used against you, so I just stopped sharing information.

[@user-mr3le4hs4e]

@@tenningale I've had exactly the same experience. That is why I stopped sharing anything personal. And I keep reminding myself to continue doing so every time I have the slightest contact. Because they are extremely malicious and really have it as a goal to get information. Just like you described: they thrive on drama and chaos- it's like clean oxygen for them. My mother is also happy when she has caused misery/contributes to misery. I'm also sorry for you having to experience these kind of things

[@ItsEricAZ]

I have an older step sister that fits these comments to the T. We barely know each other and one time at our parents house she demanded I give her a detailed list of things I was doing as I walked by. I just said "Nope, ain't doing that." and kept walking. I swear I heard her choking on a response but I was out of range by then. lol

[@MT-tx7bu]

I train myself to not engage. They aren't welcome to be in my space unless they are invited. I have even turned my back on them without even saying one word. People who have meaningful, kind words to say can be welcomed in, but not someone who tries to insult or blame JUST for the sake of doing that.

[@lorihoop3831]

My mil does that. Starts out nice, but it doesn't take long for the digs to start. No contact for 2 years and I am better off for it

[@EllenKlever-c7k]

I wish I could stay away from the narcisist. It's a lot harder when this person is your daughter.....living in my house...

[@Cross-Examine]

For me, my stepdaughter, but my husband had her move back with her mother 3 months ago. She lived with us from 16 - 20 yo.

[@awalk5177]

Another one is " I am not interested in your validation" or " I dont need your validation" if they are questioning what you are doing. This is a way of explaining to them that basically you have no interest in their viewpoint. To you it is irrelevant what they think. They have no importance to you. Shut them down.

[@donnariley2863]

My husband used to make decisions on things and dictate them to me. I got in a habit of tuning it out and would go about my way. He would then say to me when he seen I wasn't following his instruction "I thought we already discussed this, why can't you stay focused." I told him "No, we didn't discuss this. You decided something and I never agreed to it." He would look at me stunned and confused, like a brick hit him. After two times telling him this, he stopped taking it for granite I would just go along with whatever he decided.

[@annjohnson8437]

Thank you for this extremely helpful video! I will be attending a holiday get-together at my sister-in-law's home this coming weekend, and there will be three narcissists there that I never know how to respond to. I am going to go through this video again and write down your many useful responses. Maybe this year I won't feel so flummoxed! ❤

[@jasmineflower9879]

Get a friend to call you when they difficult . I send an emoji to my friend which means " call me now ". Disrupts the conversation as you leave the room !

[@lilyghassemzadeh]

Brilliant idea!

[@mickeyjohnson1137]

A good question to throw back at them is “Are you trying to convince me of what you are saying, or are you trying to convince yourself of what you have been saying?”

[@Shark_Chick_]

I was dating a narcissist and he was belittling me/ picking a fight. I started to disengage and he kept up with it. I put a pice of tape over my mouth. He lost his ever loving mind. Police removed him that night.

[@crishuez]

Oh jeez so relatable. I used this technique every day at work. My co-worker clearly said to me "Why aren't you back here helping me? You do this on purpose. You make me so mad." and I said "Ok." I didn't move from my seat because she never asked for help. It's so exhausting dealing with this when your income involves these people daily.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

It can be crazy making....but let's determine to simply stay sane!

[@yukio_saito]

I tried to make them feel they have an upper hand, but I didn't give them any initiative. For example, I said to a toxic coworker something like "That's a good idea" but I didn't do anything about what he wanted. 😛😜😝 Give them a small supply to gain a big win. 😁😆🤣

[@wendy3992]

Thank you a thousand times over.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're very welcome!

[@ErumEhmad20]

Thank you Dr. C for showing me how to think around narcissists. My energy depletes so much because of their toxicity. Self loving thoughts, I learned from you gives me a boost of energy every time I need it :)

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so welcome

[@einahsirro1488]

Parent: I thought I raised you better than that. Me: And yet, here we are. (stare)

[@Christine-uf3oj]

Thank you. I will be in a position to use some of these responses. "Being myself is my top priority right now" is my mantra now.

[@maryriley6163]

Hi out there. Although in my personal experience it can be impossible for a kid to have any defense against a determined narcissistic adult, this gentleman is right about declining to engage in the narcissist’s game. And I think that is mostly what it is for the narcissist, a game that makes them feel like they have bested somebody. Most narcissists are skilled at sucking people in, but if you know how they roll, remain alert. It’s like a painful game of catch. Politely refuse to return the ball. It may take a little practice, especially if you were raised by a narcissist who specialized in verbal abuse and psychological intimidation, but you will see your success when they stop baiting you.

[@SaraCole-mn4uv]

I value your guidance and the comments made. We must be the connection we don't have with the narcissistic abuser. Thanks people!

[@karinfriedemann3761]

My narcissist uses that line on me of often: You and I think quite differently. It's his way of not clarifying his position.

[@lyricmelody8162]

"As it may happen, I do not care to share your opinion". If that could ever sink in, this would be a different world. Thanks so much for you humor and buoyant spirit.😉😄

[@itecblogger]

me: bookmarking this page so I can write down these statements. I need them on a card in my wallet for when I visit my parents. Both are co-enabling narcissists and there is just nothing but drama with them.

[@marybollinger8668]

Thanks for giving us definite words to say when we're so upset that we can't even think of what to say!

[@RobSlopezJr]

Right?! And narcissists know this. Thats why they try and ambush you and im sure theyve gotten lots of practice doing so.

[@sannajohanna5579]

I have resigned from my job. I had a 8 months torturing experience woth the covert narc boss and her flying monkeys. I did not see it at first, but I realised soon what it is! Knowledge IS POWER! They tried to force me to join their tricky shit, I did not do it. And I said it, wrote it, too. We had to wrote a feedback formula and the reason for resigning. I wrote that I refuse to adapt the habits of this workplace and I do not tolerate how they treated me. That is why I leave and that is the best solution for me. By the way: I have a wonderful workplace waiting for me! Even my salary is better! Wothout these bullies, I’d not had applied it! So: actually, I am thankful for them torturing me, it gave me strength to really stand up!

[@Lyrielonwind]

I use two sentences. The nice one is "I can see we won't ever agree and I won't get involve into a sterile conversation. If they get aggresive to the point of calling me names, I agree with them and say that's why they shouldn't even approach me. That's when they push and shame you in public. You make clear to anybody hearing that you don't want any business with them so they won't try the same trick again with the same audience. You made clear that you refuse to fight and refuse to have anything to do with them and if they try again, it's obvious is harassment. It's much harder with the cover type who convinced everyone they love you although you are nuts because they have already launched the widest smear campaign. Please, don't get involved in any difamatory comments when you don't know first hand and well the person being signaled and demonized. Don't enable them.

[@SheilaDay-k6q]

Thank you for this information. Saying anything that allows you to take responsibility for yourself without playing games with them.

[@pietjeprecies7648]

Thank you Dr C. You are such a kind soul. You helped me to let go of my narc brother.

[@jacquelinefroehle5868]

Dr Carter this is one of the BEST VIDEOS....for Information in helping us Stand Firm against their baiting, lying, gaslighting, etc. For myself, I need to Heal the Idea that they will EVER be good, honest, loving people....and realize that 43 years of their devaluing me, degrading me, insisting I do really big things FOR THEM, and accepting their evil in return for the good I did....and knowing to GIVE UP ON THEM. Don't play their games anymore. They need me....and the Truth is I do not need them.

[@dianehiles9197]

Asking another to help you understand them and what they are saying , I have found an effective tool with everyone in communicating and learning their way or meanings of words they use.

[@mamatharaj6690]

Dear Sir, I can't thank you enough for sharing your valuable experience, knowledge, and realistic thoughts. This has helped me to overcome lot of troubles which would have been possibly caused by Narcissist in my surrounding.

[@lillianbarker4292]

How I wish I could go back in time with what I’ve learned in these videos! At least I can say that I was able to adopt this attitude in the last decade of my narcissistic mother’s life. It still took a lot of energy to be around her, always being on guard and knowing I wasn’t loved.

[@zanetheriau4470]

I have a couple narcissists (in my direct family) that use these same lines to avoid accountability & to accuse their terrible actions.

[@dolittle6781]

All excellent responses. Thank you!

[@AngelaBaldwin-d8o]

Stay calm, never engage in a battle with them and find the nearest exit if necessary bc these people rarely change

[@sarah-lee-cupkakes]

I like to use simpler phrases: Okay I hear you. If I wanted advice I'd ask for it. (Repeat as necessary) I disagree. (This one takes courage because you're engaging a bit with their accusations, but it also sepatates your reality from theirs and makes it clear they don't get to dictate outcomes.) I also 1) EXPECT them to attack my character and 2) put on my "steel face" to show zero emotion. Lots of practice growing up with a Borderline mother.

[@carynstillman6272]

“I know that being right is very important to you” is better than yelling and crying, “you always have to be right!” I have to work on the calmness.

[@SandraMuller-vs8ck]

These words of wisdom is ever so valuable in living my daily life. Being exposed to this scenario and having access to your downloads has helped me heal. Thank you Dr C for sharing your educational thoughts of reflection and guidance. God bless. ❤

[@Wings91]

Very helpful right now. The timing of finding your channel is Gods timing - going narc related difficulties- now my eyes are open, I see the moves so easily, hard to realize how truly little they think of me.

[@peppermint6253]

I love this video! Such good practical responses, some of which made me laugh. Instead of focusing on the rudeness of the narc, I can focus on delivering these great statements.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it resonated!!

[@tiredofit4761]

Currently receiving the silent treatment for finding out about his past indiscretions (my fault for snooping, not his for being a cheater) It’s been 4 months. If my adult daughter and I have words, not even arguing, he puts himself in between trying to heighten things and say “see how you are? Always arguing and complaining?! Every day you start something.” I’ll say we aren’t even arguing he’s like “not now but that how you start.” It’s never ending. I’m always the bad guy. He will then call me derogatory names under his breath. He tries to make me the villain no matter what. If I get up and leave he will keep on talking. I just try to be quiet and stay away from him. It gets hard.

[@danielwymer1580]

America sure has a lot of these narcissists

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Unfortunately, yes.

[@Lawton1111]

Believe me it's not just America. The UK is rife with them also....😂

[@5DNRG]

Here is my fave: "Well, it takes one to know one!" And the there's... "Why?"

[@karenliles8548]

I like to say in response … “regarding EVERYTHING you just said, why is all that so important to you?” You can learn from their response and use it against them in your own strategy. They LOVE to talk about themselves! I’d like experts to give us more questions to use so that these can be used to gain insight/ evidence on their inner mindset…

[@r1leyb0y1]

This was the most helpful videos I have seen you do! Very good and useful ways to communicate to narcissists in a large variety of situations. It also helped me to realize that I actually AM MAKING PROGRESS. I recently had to end a very long term friendship with an extremely narcissistic female friend. Watching this made me realize that when I did so, my communication was pretty much on point.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Glad it was helpful! And I'm glad you're making progress!!

[@leslierisan7603]

These are all excellent scripts to memorize. Thanks Dr C

[@converter]

Principles To Remember (you can shuffle to form an easy to remember acronym - KOM/MOK/OKM ..) KEEP YOUR WORDS BRIEF 2:18 MAINTAIN CALM FIRMNESS 2:30 OFFER NO DEFENSE 2:38 I'LL NOT GO INTO YOUR SPACE WITH YOU 1:45 HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'LL NEED TO ASK THAT QUESTION 3:42 (Go ahead dig your hole) THAT'S CERTAINLY YOUR PERSPECTIVE. YOU AND I THINK QUITE DIFFERENTLY 4:34 I HAVE NOTHING FURTHER TO ADD TO OUR DISCUSSION 5:08 (When the idiot keeps pushing so just they can hammer our and bang you with it - don't buy it) IT'S FAIR TO SAY OUR PRIORITIES/INTERPRETATION DON'T MATCH 5:55 (When you're accused of being non-cooperative) I HONESTLY HAVE NOTHING TO ADD 6:34 SINCE YOU AND I ARE UNABLE TO AGREE ON THE BASICS. IT SEEMS THE CONVERSATION HERE IS OVER. ... 7:10 I KNOW THAT BEING RIGHT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO YOU 7:50 MY SENSE OF SELF-RESPECT REQUIRES ME TO EXCUSE MYSELF 8:28 ((When things get blustery and start to label or call you names and insult ) BEING MYSELF IS MY TOP PRIORITY RIGHT NOW 9:02 (Guilting and Shaming phase) IF YOU MUST PUSH ME INTO A CORNER , IT LEAVES ME NO OTHER OPTION THAN TO SAY NO. 9:35 (Forced cooperation)

[@ChristopherLarson-c4n]

Thank you Dr. Carter. These are some wonderful suggestions that i really needed. I have been playing the Narcissist, just to protect myself. I really am smart, but have alot of mental health issues.

[@theyellowshoe]

That first question, your "remark" had me almost choke/spit the muffin I was eating! I was laughing, you need a warning first. 🤣

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Sorry about the muffin.

[@SwiftRabbit-w7g]

I was lucky I wasn't eating, because I snort-laughed. I wish I had had the presence of mind to use this one repeatedly with my mother. It wouldn't have achieved anything but her raging, but holy hell.