The Dismissive and Fearful Avoidant Relationship Dynamic

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Thank you for watching!

[@anjakeller6612]

"I feel like I am at the same time not enough and too much." -every fearful avoidant ever

[@samuelcalebwee1070]

You literally quoted word for word one of my last texts.... 😭

[@lilgorgo]

I never knew anyone else said this

[@scottycolin1838]

Exactly.

[@nourishheallove]

💥

[@anaflores2415]

Yep. That's me

[@dannydean4013]

I was just getting to ask my wife of 9 years for divorce. I finally see the big picture of who I am and who she is and who she is. I had seriously given up and this video most likely saved us. Thank you

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you so much for sharing this. Comments like this are why I do what I do!

[@robertgarvansnyder4665]

11 months later, how are you and your wife doing now ??

[@janac6961]

Your wife must be the da?

[@dizmop]

@@robertgarvansnyder4665 I'd also like to know.....

[@rebeccasharpe2432]

I’m so happy to hear that going into listening to this. My husband and I are currently in that place and trying to fix it.

[@jjohnston5406]

When FA feels rejected enough, they will shut down intensely and push the DA away hard... This is so true, and is such an important piece that is often missing in discussions about the FA / DA dynamic. It is usually presented that the DA makes the FA more anxious, which is true... but they can shut down even harder.

[@zeinebchem4011]

My story. And we both in pain.

[@andreasandiegorealestate]

At this point myself. Shutting down hard :-(

[@prettydisabled9060]

@@andreasandiegorealestate Are you DA or FA and do you know who you're with/dealing with lol?

[@ralucadobre610]

so trueee

[@DaveE99]

Anger is the emotion experienced most when someone is hurt- then the other person feels threatened and shuts down and then people don’t connect.

[@NickRyanBayon]

Dating a dismissive avoidant is terrible it ruins your sense of value, leaves you confused, hurt, and unneeded, and unimportant. You're made to communicate and try and get nothkng back, it feels one sided and pointless.

[@nicolaslockheimers]

That last part was gold! The DA needs assurance they're doing a good job vs. FA/APs who need emotional assurance that they are loved. Wow!

[@jessicamessica2271]

This was my exact relationship. Im the fearful avoident. I dumped my dissmissive because I felt unloved. I miss them everyday its hard

[@jadint1793]

@Cristina Lee same

[@Scoop2380]

I was about to dump my DA (I’m FA), couldn’t to it myself and then he did it. We missed each other badly. I still do, and I can’t talk for him, dunno, I haven’t heard from him really since then.

[@da504ever]

I always freak out when he dismisses things. I never bring them up again, because I know he doesn't even know he's doing anything wrong. He is very good at correcting when I bring things up to him, but I am so scared to because he will think I am too needy and he will not want to deal with my volatility. Not bringing things up drives me crazy inside! This is the hardest relationship ever, but when I am with him, I finally feel CALM inside. It makes no sense, but this video has helped me recognize how to hold up my end of the bargain. Thank you.

[@tequilabumbum4373]

This is exactly how I feel in my current relationship... its hard😅

[@mhyunsook]

so u think yr partner is secure type? cuz u said u became calm when with him... somewhat confusing... what She explained exactly describe why I get regent and blew again cuz i feel like I'm the one resolved and fixed again.

[@edithhsedits226]

Same! I feel CALM as well when with them but other times I feel anxious so unsure of why we even feel calm with them lol. Now I'm a little confuse.

[@mobydick3769]

@@mhyunsook in another video she explains that fearful avoidants tend to feel safe around dismissive avoidants because da's are not volatile and tend to demand less than other fa's or aa's. In my experience, this is true. My da made me feel safe for a while up until the point he didn't. When he activated his dismissive side I felt betrayed, hurt, ignored and disrespected. I didn't bring these problems up because I was afraid of coming off as too needy and the situation would keep on going with me feeling betrayed by him and safe at his side at the same time. I think this is the reason it's so hard for fa's and da's to leave each other. There's this constant cognitive dissonance of two conflicting emotions: "I feel safe with you" and "I feel hurt by you" and it makes it really hard and confusing to make decisions or even communicate.

[@da504ever]

@@edithhsedits226 it ends up feeling a lot better once you strengthen the relationship with the person. I never feel anxious anymore--just the calm.

[@jermainerivers4450]

Wow. You just described me and my ex to a tee! It's almost comical how textbook we both are. Unfortunately, I didn't start learning this stuff til it was too late, and now we are broken up. Nevertheless, I'm still thankful for your videos and the information.

[@luangu]

I thought the same. I was gonna write the very same thing. I'm a fearful and she was a dismissive. It was a bad break up but time and therapy has helped a lot. Peace out Brother.

[@strawberrysocial2285]

My life.....mind blown. I’ve never had anyone explain it this well. Wow!!!

[@reyr.7439]

Dealing with a Dismissive avoidant is exhausting. Healthy relationships require communication and connection, if I don't have that then I start to get frustrated. I'm Fearful Avoidant but at least I try to improve myself. DA's rarely change and refuse to acknowledge their own issues. They're the type to ghost you all on a sudden or breadcrumb their partner. Never dealing with a DA

[@jerrykasinger8621]

Oh my goodness Took the words right out of my mouth! Soo spot on

[@jerrykasinger8621]

Wow! This woman is impressive! She is so articulate and able to articulate it in a way that I really understand what she's saying. And this is sooo spot on. the struggle that my wife and I have had! Extremely hurtful and frustrating dynamic.. Been married for 30 years and in the last 10 years has not been fun.

[@pahouaxiong2420]

Spot on ! Married to a DA myself and yes it completely drains me being a FA.. it goes nowhere when they stonewall you and avoids you for days.

[@saraz9136]

💯

[@mr.chubbs2767]

I think it goes both ways. I'm DA and my FA partner is also quite exhausting and doesn't communicate. The inconsistency is SUPER triggering!

[@greciarojas7265]

I think this is amazing! This also describes my former partner and I. He’s dismissive avoidant and because of this video I just learned I’m fearful avoidant. But I think you’re a bit more compassionate to dismissive avoidant people. He disappears a lot and goes into his cave for a long time and kept me at a distance and kept me out of the loop of things. And it was very painful. And when my needs were not met, he didn’t understand why I was upset or hurt. Can you add more to the dismissive partner in this dynamic, you go into a lot more detail of the fearful avoidant attachment style in this dynamic.

[@colorfullyme]

"externalizing like crazy as the fearful avoidant does" loool wig got snatched right off

[@tomobedlam9045]

Great video! However, after five years trying to get my dismissive avoidant to seek professional counseling it was met with total refusal. This would have been free counseling through my company as we get 15 free sessions a year. When the dismissive avoidant does not seek help, and totally shuts down, and does not even want to talk about their issues, it's time to leave. Especially, if they show absolutely no desire to fix themselves. They leave you in a state of turmoil, and do not reciprocate at all. I'm not spending any more time being understanding and trying to get them to open up. Life is too short to play this scenario after so many years. Never again!

[@kariannegagnon3776]

When my DA withdrew I totally freaked out and things escalated to a breakup point after 4-6 weeks so I can't imagine years.

[@brianag1175]

Agreed.

[@Heyu7her3]

She repeats that in every video about DA. It take two.

[@vintagehourglass]

i literally laughed out loud multiple times watching this because my partner and i are exactly as this video describes. every example is exactly relevant. so funny. very helpful!

[@emilyanne1426]

This is profound. I am an FA and this describes so much of my past relationship except that I think I tend to deactivate and pull away when I feel dismissed rather than getting angry. It was very hard for me to even identify in the moment when I felt dismissed, and I think the resentment built up for too many years before we started trying to fix our dynamic. We were able to make slow progress for a few more years, but it was still very difficult and frankly the pain far outweighed the love. I think ultimately our emotional needs were incompatable. I think I had hoped that if I supported them enough emotionally that 1, they would feel safe enough with their own emotions to be able to handle mine and 2, I could show them how I wanted them to show up for me emotionally. Even in the end they could listen to me talk about emotions for just a few minutes but honestly it just wasn't enough for me, even though they had made progress. I think the part that you mentioned about how the DA wants approval based on external things whereas the FA wants emotional validation was spot on. I discovered from this relationship that the most important trait to me in a partner is emotional presence and an openness to emotions.

[@SkyePhoenix]

I just want to feel wanted (by him) more than anything, more than loved. It really hurts.

[@MarkvsMaximvs]

This is terrifyingly relatable.

[@Fonzi79]

Emily you are spot on !!!! I feel the exact way!

[@live.life.secure.coaching]

Same here. I really need that emotional availability and support.

[@TofuTeo]

This is what I’ve realised too.

[@DrHarshita_MD]

We FAs are doomed in relationships..😬☹️ being avoidant with AA and anxious with DAs 😭

[@Mollyjak4]

Do the work and get secure!

[@vemrith]

@@Mollyjak4 and bored with secure😅

[@AQ31276]

So true. I’m Anxious with DA, avoidant with AA, and bored, restless and trapped with secure. 😅😬

[@romanitza24]

Great comments you all!!!

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

But we have the strengths of both sides too! And our amazing hyper vigilant empathic 'mind reading ' qualities. We can understand our partners as noone else can if we put in the work to understand them and become secure ourselves! 😁

[@jovankrstic250]

12:15- u described it so perfect- I get hurt, I got rejected and then I have to fix it😤 ANGER, ANGER, ANGER. I just got too tired of same shit over and over again. I broke up, otherwise I would have to kill my ex🤣

[@jain3484]

Okay, so I am officially a fearful avoidant. This video really clarified things because I was so confused whether I’m dismissive or fearful. I guess fearful avoidant has spectrum between anxious and dismissive and somewhere in between. Definitely a fearful avoidant.

[@SkyePhoenix]

So... what the DA needs is approval and emotional stability. What I need is reassurance that I'm loved and valued. This video describes the dynamic between these attachment styles so well. How do I tell him how I feel (without getting emotional) and at the same time reassure him that he's doing a good job? How do I talk about feelings without pushing him further away? I struggle with making a decision to keep trying, or give up. I do love him. There's also a significant age gap between us. I feel as if my needs will never be met in this situationship, but at the same time... I wonder what would happen if I was with a more open and demonstrative partner... would I then withdraw or run away? I have an avoidant side too, just not with him most of the time. Just like you described, when I feel rejected by him (which happens pretty often) I want to block his# or delete him from my contacts... or at the very least ignore his texts, like he does mine sometimes. It seems childish, but this is how I react when my childhood wounds are being activated. I feel abandoned and helpless... and I don't want to feel that way. I want to run away from those feelings and get away from the person who's triggered me.

[@onewiththeuniverse1283]

I'm in the same situation right now. I don't know if I should try harder or give up. I don't trust him to be able to understand and meet my needs. We hurt each other too much before I knew about childhood trauma and attachment styles. Now we both withdraw and space out. Can you tell me how your relationship is going?

[@AlexNarra]

Omg I found the myself so much in the fearful avoidant description, especially about the doubts of the relationship, it's like a constant background thought but I don't express it because I do notice the there's no objective reason to have it, it's probably the feeling trapped fear.

[@thuanylachos4697]

This is so accurate i can’t even begin to explain. I wish i had watched this video before i ended things with my dismissive avoidant partner...

[@angieland2856]

I am an avid video self help watcher, and I must say your videos, for me, are the absolute best. I am fearful avoidant verbatim of what you described, and I was with a dismissive avoidant. Sadly it only lasted 6 weeks but i liked him a lot and I know he liked me. BUT you know the rest.. lol it didn’t work.. we’ve been apart 3 weeks 💔 Thank you for helping me grow!!

[@ericaross8935]

DA’s are almost NEVER interested in doing the work to fix themselves though lol. FA’s would find the patience to stick it out if they knew there would be a payoff.

[@dutcheslove975]

This great! I'm a fearful avoidant and the man I love ( whom I just broke up with ) is a dismissive avoidant. Your so in point with what's going on with in the relationship dynamic! Wow...

[@mjw1111]

Never again will I deal with a dismissive avoidant. He had no interest in changing anything. It was a truely demoralizing experience. He's in the forever alone camp now. Good riddance.

[@MeAnINFP]

Some seem to be girl magnets, and have no trouble finding other relationships...

[@jedidiahross7447]

Sounds like you're still dealing with him, inside. I'm sorry for you both. I hope you will find the answer you're looking for to move forward.

[@gennieapulova8017]

wow well that pretty much describes me 7:15 s soon as I feel inconsistency I want to run and I emotionally shut down

[@angelicaduarte2599]

me too!

[@maeveduff8932]

What about when you express clearly when you feel dismissed but the dismissive-avoidant immediately feels criticised and becomes triggered and rejecting?

[@joannemarquis3020]

Exactly

[@jessicahernandez1853]

My last relationship was like this, I thought that I was an AP but because I was with a DA, now I know I am a FA and the dynamics of "fights" with my ex were just like you said...we both felt very frustrated. The happy moments of the relationship were the supporting each others jobs, projects and stuff like that. He used to tell me that he felt secure with me, but then the arguments came and it was very frustrating. So yeah, we didn't know about the attachment styles but because of the breakup I'm investigating more about the topic and starting to heal a lot within myself so my next relationship in the future will be more healthy and most important I can feel more calm and happy with myself.

[@pebblescupcake8095]

Happened with me after my break up 🥺 it's been a year now. I still feel I don't want to connect with anyone and the very moment I feel it's time to let it go and move on. It sucks

[@kimiyaqanavati174]

Wish I knew all these information before breaking up with my dismissive avoidant partner as a fearful avoidant ...

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

It seems like your dopamine valve is possibly constantly flowing here. Your smile feels good and contagious.

[@SteezyDollIsabel]

My ex was dismissive and it got overwhelming because I was tryna dig and dig for emotions and just got tired of him being dismissive it was annoying😂😂😂😂 I don't want it lol

[@Scottiebudz]

You and the son deserve more than that Isabel you know this

[@caitm8209]

As a fearful avoidant, how do I stop being so emotionally volatile? I hate the extremes so much. I have a similar need as DAs to have stability and consistency, but I feel incapable of creating it myself.

[@mobydick3769]

Starts with boundaries, in my experience. Setting boundaries for yourself and other people gives you a much stronger sense of security which makes you more stable. Second thing is communication. You need to be able to communicate when you feel hurt, need space, etc. because we often do the exact opposite, which is letting our emotions fester inside until they build up and make us explode. So letting those emotions out in healthy ways and asserting those boundaries will make you less volatile.

[@jovankrstic250]

@@mobydick3769 yeah, but after so many time explaining what hurt you, you dont have patience to explain it again! I just get so angry for being dismissed and have no capability to calmly express how I feel, knowing they will just be confused what have they done wrong and that will make me even more crazy and angry. Its just better to stay away from dating and have your own peace

[@caitm8209]

I have recently found out most of my volatility is actually from having ADHD. When I discovered this and stopped focussing on my self worth as being reliant on a partner things have calmed down. I gave become a lot more DA leaning FA though.

[@sarareedcoaching1313]

Learn to regulate your emotions and heal some of the negative beliefs you have around relationships. Mindfulness is really helpful and lots of self compassion. Find your connection to you first, relationship second xx

[@SebAlex427]

@Moby that is a great advise ! Yes, resentment and pent up inside has made me to make a sudden decision to leave when it reached its boiling point . I broke up wz the same person (DA) ...after doing all the pleasing while me ruminating inside for serval months .

[@lovecanbefound7121]

Thaaaaaaank yoooooou soooooo muuucch!!!! U just might be the person to help me save my relationship!!!! Because everything you described is exactly what happens in our relationship and i could never figure out why until today!! I am the fearful avoidant and he is the dismissive avoidant. I will take heed your advice nd really utilize it in my relationship thank you!!!!!!! ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

[@odonnelldenise]

Thank you for commenting. It's a relief to know I'm not the only one in this type of relationship.

[@MrBezigebij]

I am curious if you were successful and what challenges you faced.

[@mhyunsook]

I just left same blessing comments to her. what a brilliant therapist she is!

[@elizabethjones8465]

Note to self avoid dismissive partners at all cost. I just recently had that experience with a man that love bombed me at first which obviously met a subconscious need, especially having lost my mom & having no family, and of course we had intense physical chemistry, but it was a rollercoaster.

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

Omg. I have felt my dear DA being annoyed, irritated with me and I felt unwanted unimportant unloved. I do not like getting volatile, I always feel awful, but i wish DA could express compassion and curiosity and reflect they hear and understand how i feel.

[@dianaharris4785]

maybe you should do a video about how to get your ex back with different type relationship attachment , because somehow...being a fearful avoidant can push the one u love away even tho they still care about each other.

[@theliterarytarot]

I can’t stop watching these!

[@ai6024]

I can't stop watching this and crying too because even when I know the reasons I feel so hurt and angry that I think there is no way to solve this shit.

[@mtgmarkv]

I am a masterful dismissive avoidant and my gf is fearful avoidant, I have just gone down rabbit whole on all of this attachment style stuff and this video along with some of your others have opened my eyes to exactly what our relationship is, extremely volatile and hard to explain. So i just need to learn how to emotionally support my gf of 3 years even more than i do. To be someone that I may have been taught to be but not raised to be. Even though i don't know how to identify and express even my own emotions thoroughly or accurately. This seems to be the most unlikely relationship to last and is making me depressed since the thought of seeking actual help is perverse to me, while learning and retraining myself seems to be the only thing I will allow. Thoughts? 🙃

[@miranda6738]

I think you’re on the best site for taking care of your attachment style ❤️

[@pricklypear1111]

Hopefully you and your GF have considered the personal development school, the programs here will give you the tools to both do the work that you need to be successful +whether with each other or new partners in the future)

[@Edifyudig123]

If she is also willing to see and explore what her attachment style is then you can get to the point of a healthy relationship. Change takes time especially old deep rooted things like this. I have tried to bring awareness not in a labling way to the DA's i have dated. But they not once tried to understand me and then every problem was always because of me. So at that point I have always felt I have to leave. So anytime I see men on here I think that is so unbelievably awesome. Good luck to you guys learning about this has helped me tremendously.

[@elev8tedconvers8tions71]

May I ask what's your zodiac sign?

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

Do the work that Thais has for dismissive avoidants. You can do it all yourself! Trust that you can grow, to love and be loved. ☺

[@lrow5416]

This is so helpful. I recently got involved with a dismissive avoidant. I had no idea about any of this at the time and found your channel afterwards. I’m seeing how I’m the fearful avoidant and the dynamics you just described are what played out when I felt unwanted and unimportant. I can’t tell you how much it helps to have this explained. Thank you!

[@kibuladesire8019]

*I have experienced this because I am Fearful avoidant and partner is dissimive avoidant, sometimes I became anxious and fearful. I pussed him away, and he was socked. Wonderful video this has helped me a lot to know my attachment style. Many thanks* 👌

[@ChauntelleARussell]

YOU are God Sent! Thank you for sharing all of your knowledge. I believe it's something that we, as human beings, really need to learn about in order in for personal growth to have successful meaningful relationships with others in our lives. Your knowledge that you share is golden.

[@Crissynxander]

Thank you so much for this video. My boyfriend is Dismissive Avoidant and I am Fearful Avoidant... I definitely see these Dynamics playing out between us. And I definitely am more on the anxious side with him than I have been in the past.

[@paulwheeler8913]

This is my wife, the dismissive, and me the fearful... i flip-flop constantly and she will just shutdown and spend more time away from home, which triggers me more till I completely implode and break-things!! after watching your videos I've tried to deal with my issues and I've noticed she has responded by warming up. and the thoughts you describe I have every single one so i criticise and get angry so she just blocks me out.

[@strawberryjam5844]

As an FA, I can say DA’s can be passive aggressive. They dont say how they want things, yet they get upset and rather find underhanded ways to attack. And it catches me offguard a lot. My brother is also a DA dating an FA, and he has sometimes told me he does this. And I have asked him why dont you just tell her how you want things, and his answer is: because she does not listen and always tried to convince me of her own perspective of things and blows up. And gets angry and so on.. so to all FA’s out there: stop controlling the DA’s. My brother loves his girl sooo much, yet her insecurities is so crazy and driving my entire family insane. So my lesson is listen to the dismissive mundane talk, they will not say things with passion, but they will still mean it, or accept sneak attacks from the sideline 😂 For us FA’s it may sound like what they are saying is not of importance to them because of their quiet ways. Sometimes I am just shocked at what I miss out on in their communication. It sounds like background music, so I really need to tune in.😂 And to the DA’s, let them be angry, calm down again and have a conversation with them once they have cooled off. ❤

[@razvanyke]

Thais, you are so good. You just described my last breakup.

[@heatherharvey2558]

Thank you so much. You just gave me much-needed insight into a dynamic with a friend of mine that's been plaguing me for ages.

[@witchymama3439]

I did express every time I felt hurt. We had problems for a while because I didn’t and he insisted I start trying to do that. But eventually he resented that because “I was always upset and he was always criticized.” So then what?

[@karfar8029]

Whatever you do, don't approach them when angry. It will backfire.

[@Anonymous-dx4zo]

@@karfar8029 yes it backfires. And somehow when we calm down ourselves, we become cold. We don't feel like putting ourselves to vulnerability again in that zone. DA eventually comes around. It's nice when they sorry. But being fearful avoidant it sucks! It drains out our energy. That's why we have lots of problem in relation ship. 😅😅 I feel we should be with someone who loves us more than we do to them. That way we will be secure n not much hurt.

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

Are you working on yourself? Space out the expressions of hurt( if they are genuinely caused and not just your own fears). And only express them when you're in a calm emotional place

[@grimbutnotevil391]

I love your videos so much. Thank you for all your help in understanding myself and my loved one! - sincerely, a fearful avoidant :)

[@C53Maximoff]

I’d love to find out more about the dynamics between the anxious attachment and the fearful avoidant. So interesting

[@emmanueljonnie6009]

This video explained so much to me, while trying to under my core wounds. I thought i was anxious but i could never get to the bottom of it, being in a relationship with a DA made me feel more anxious. But i can now understand and start to heal more and being secure.

[@razgula90]

I have been going through every single video you've made on attachment styles. I just came across this concept and it explains SO MUCH about myself & my partner. THANK YOU!

[@JameSSpeedCo]

Thank u for posting this videos. Ur delivery is understanding and loving. The information is valuable, especially if BOTH parties WANT to be in the relationship. If one doesn’t, then I can see how it would be challenging to take in.

[@JennyNobody]

I thought I was just an anxious attachment type - I really understand now after watching your videos that I am 100% fearful avoidant. It's freaky how typical I am XD Thank you Edit: I just took your attachment style quiz - looks like the work I've been doing is helping! I'm actually a majority secure attachment style, but only barely lol - this has not always been the case in my life! I think this has a lot to do with the secure partner I'm with - I've learned a lot with them and really been able to open up and learn trust and to set boundaries. I'm still working a lot on the prioritizing myself as well as feeling deserving of love and having my needs met aspects. Thanks again for all the insight your videos have provided.

[@babysab8013]

Soo true ! Thank you very much ! For many years I lived under the impression I was an textbook avoidant, which I am. In my current relationship I realised I have periods of being/feeling like an anxious attachment style, without the craziness LOL. Then it hit me. My partner is dismissive avoidant ( how could I NOT see it sooner ) and it activates my anxious side. Luckily in this relationship I can analyse a bit and not be overly dramatic, so I noticed the pattern. My advice to couples facing this is just to feel the love and let it flow in the bad days too ! It's the only way

[@SkyePhoenix]

Feel the love and let it flow?? How can a FA do that when the DA literally stops all communication?

[@babysab8013]

@@SkyePhoenix Let him be , he''ll come back

[@ghadagouaidia6800]

Omg thank u so much for your comment i just found out i’m an FA dating a DA we had an argument and i just felt like i’m still holding a grudge for him he’s trying to make me laugh and forget abt the argument and he’s looking kinda confused and scared cuz he saw i was pulling away and giving him the cold shoulder i’m trying to forget and move on but i’m scared if i do so he’ll hurt me again that’s why distant and can’t seem to trust him fully, any advice on how to fix this ?

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

@@ghadagouaidia6800 He's wanting to hold on to you and mend the relationship. He loves you. Dare to trust him.

[@jessicahernandez1853]

Also...why is it that most people watching these videos are AP or FA? I don't see a lot of DA looking for help, I tried it with my ex in a lot of ways and it never worked. They want everything SO easy and most of the time are not wanting to change is kind of a "I'm like this and if you don't want it you can leave" actitude...Not saying that is in all the cases but I see it in most cases.

[@angelicaduarte2599]

I'm a DA, and i'm looking for help. I don't want to people to feel unacknowledged by me anymore. I wanna be present now more than ever!

[@Advisory_Vessel]

It's just a mindset they are in. I'm fa and I was with and anxious attachment and that was my mindset. You don't really see an issue unless someone approaches you the right way or if you feel like you messed things up but, that's an internal thing. Something dramatic or drastic has to happen to make you want to change

[@MaliMaslacak526]

Hmmm...as a FA in a loving marriage with a DA, I somewhat agree that the DAs generally seem to refuse to actively participate in this kind of work BUT what I've also noticed is that positive change occurs in DA when FA changes. It just happens spontaneously, everything becomes easier. Yes, it hurts the ego to be in such a dynamic and only improving yourself and I do find it a bit triggering, but real love demands that we leave the ego at the door. I find this relationship the best experience in my life and I am deeply grateful for having him in my life. I actually admire how DAs are not aggressive. They are actually very lovable people. Well, to be fair, everyone is lovable! 😄

[@jessicahernandez1853]

@@MaliMaslacak526 yes that's true, thanks for sharing your experience :)

[@angelicaduarte2599]

@@MaliMaslacak526 I actually found out I am a FA under the attitude of a DA. It's so much more freeing to know this.

[@eh1853]

This video just explained my relationship. Thank you!

[@emilyshepard7003]

Amazing! You so clearly described my relationship, so helpful.

[@jfn467]

This is a great lecture, and confirms what I've started to understand the last months, after a whole life thinking, by lack of facts, that I have an anxious attachment, but it's very obvious to me now that my attachment is fearful avoidant, I was smiling several times listening to this lecture completely recognizing myself, and also recognizing that I of course have a tendency to become attracted to women with a dismissive avoidant attachment (right now I'm dating a marvelous woman, who of course fits this bill). Great thanks and kutgw!!

[@Klb1028]

You're describing the 7 years of our relationship, and like the year we've been broken up so far, ha. I... still am just amazed at how much research I did and this/you is/are still so much clearer than any of it.

[@gloriamanning1082]

Under stress, this is exactly what my relationship is like. Its mind blowing how spot on I feel that this is. These are great tips that I can do,on my part from my fearful avoidant tendencies, to help my relationship with a dismissive avoidant

[@Sweetlady1720]

I can definitely relate as a FAbto feeling ignored when coming home. Had that happen and it turned into 3 days of silence and me finding messages between my DA soon To be ex wife and a friend and her saying she wanted to kill me and then getting a battery pack to a leaf blower to the back of the head causing severe trauma. And was blamed for the entire situation. Not the fact that there was a lack of communication on her part or even showing any kind of empathy. Anytime we had an issue she would talk to her ex about it. Still healing from this but this experience has taught me a lot and I’m just working on healing myself

[@jenniferc8913]

I am a DA female married to a FA man and it is emotionally draining. In my attempts to love my partner in a way that feels foreign/unnatural to me, it never feels like you can fill their love tank up high enough. The contant need to be assured and validated and complemented is like a full time job. The FA often times feels like a gluttonous person who is never satiated unless there is a constant barrage of petting and intimate talks. We are all time poor and with raising children, working full time, committments to things and activities, nurturing other relationships such a family and friends, as well as self-care and counseling, this often conflicts with the FA's constant need for attention, that really derives from a lack of comfort in self. No person can complete you. Healthy adults, in my opinion, have self confidence and don't seek to fill their cup constantly through other people who themselves are flawed. Out of boredom, it feels like FAs seek to connect through conflict, which is just as derisive as the DA pushing them away and seeking solitude. It has an inverse reaction, which only further pushes the DA away. This season of life definitely feels like I am oil and my partner is water.

[@ghadagouaidia6800]

I’m FA leaning dismissive and your word were like a hard pill to swallow but i agree with you ob a lot of things but since i’m very avoidant my self i don’t need constant attention or praise it’s just that i find it very hard to communicate my needs and fears without getting a bit emotional, the fear of my partner might reject me or make fun of my worries terrifies me, since you’re a DA yourself may i ask you what is in your opinion the best way to communicate my needs or problems to my partner without triggering him

[@ghadagouaidia6800]

I’m FA leaning dismissive and your words were like a hard pill to swallow but i agree with you on a lot of things but since i’m very avoidant my self i don’t need constant attention or praise it’s just that i find it very hard to communicate my needs and fears without getting a bit emotional, the fear of my partner might reject me or make fun of my worries terrifies me, since you’re a DA yourself may i ask you what is in your opinion the best way to communicate my needs or problems to my partner without triggering him

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

What are his love languages?

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

Healthy adults don't push people away.

[@AA-mg3xr]

You are so so so amazing, I hope you write books! Thank you soo much ❤️❤️

[@unaburke1693]

Thanks a lot for this ! also would be highly interesting to look at the relation between narcissism and DA or FA attachment ! your channel is really amazing !

[@kennedismith208]

I feel so seen. This was the perfect description of my relationship.

[@masdevallia1603]

I started looking for information about this topic in order to understand someone else, and surprisingly have learned a lot about myself. Thank you for the video.

[@tintinpenaredondo6531]

this video and channel has quiz to onow which attactment you are belong. Try to search in google. I done last night and I am in Secure Attachment style.

[@ambre2094]

OMG this resonates so much. Thank you for sharing this!

[@adarksea]

Thanks for the highly informative videos! Your insight is amazing.

[@sshuteandrew]

So the DA values words of affirmation and the FA emotional closeness...much like an AP

[@mhyunsook]

what's AP

[@mhyunsook]

@@brittanysheets8782 thank you

[@karfar8029]

Anxious preoccupied

[@AJ-cw2gc]

Think that also depends on each person’s love language

[@Peachy.Greenz]

For me it was the opposite, I was huge on words of affirmation while he was more interested in physical closeness (I’m the FA and my ex was DA) it was a really weird dynamic lacking on both sides for sure lol

[@larrycork1420]

great video, I think I am fearful avoidant, my brother who I live with is dismissive avoidant, I try to talk to him sometimes when we have conflicts and instead of ingageing, he shuts down.

[@kariannegagnon3776]

I'm so grateful for these videos. I wish I had seen them before so I could have avoided the downfall of my relationship but I'll for sure be working on all this with better insights thanks to you. I never got my ''fearful'' anxious side triggered this much before and this was so confusing.

[@Fonzi79]

same here i wished i discovered this in my last relationship cause i wouldn't had wasted 3 yrs with a Dismissive NEVER AGAIN

[@josephlalrinpuiakhiangte1987]

Thanks for all the tips . I definitely learnt a lot

[@alignedmindbodysoul]

lol this IS my relationship, i am a FA & AA he is a DA .. this is pure gold Thankyou is not enough, you will be bigger than Oprah, Bless your soul.

[@theliterarytarot]

I’m FA and always go for DA. You’re spot on with these.

[@Hpylfe]

I love what you share with us.I have a short comment that the sound of videos is not so clear. I'd be much better and easier to listen and focus on the points. ;)

[@mhyunsook]

yes I must be never praise and would leave positive comments on KZbin than here today.. Thank you, I gained lots of insight about me, as a fearful avoidant type and my current bf, DA.

[@englishwithsanjuktadas]

Thank you so much! It is so helpful and so well explained! ❤❤❤

[@suzannem8265]

So true! That was my pattern over the course of a 30 year marriage. I had no idea about attachment styles at that time and my subsequent relationships followed the same pattern. Unbelievably accurate depiction, I forgave after I felt hurt...

[@cloudslady3400]

An important question why as a FA I’m always attracted to DAs?..I had a friend and a romantic partner with this attachment style!..😭😭

[@dfromtheblock1537]

11:53 this breakdown is on my point. I feel I had to always make it better🎯

[@MrBezigebij]

I recognize this so much. Thank you.

[@Yararar]

Best video ever, described my relationship so well

[@katelynnlee5158]

That's literally my mom and I. She's dismissive avoident, and I'm fearful avoident. We can't ever talk because she always has to be right since she's my mom. So no matter what I do, she gets triggered whether I do what she says or not. She's just hard to get along with. Always thinking that she's so smart that no one can understand her. 😒😒😒 She can't tell the difference between an actual smart person and a jerk.

[@ediblewords7880]

Thank you so much. I really needed this.

[@Elethia441]

I appreciate very much your insight (SO MUCH!), but I feel as though you are least compassionate & flexible with the fearful avoidant. I know you shared before you are one as well, so in my mind I wonder if that might explain what I am sensing. But see, some of us, depending on other strengths, experiences, & personality factors may have well fostered very strong rational/reserved/distant tendencies, where we might experience inner subtle conflict and confusion, or at least very analytical thinking, but don't ever experience what sounds like paranoia-kind of feelings, or express ourselves in aggression or emotional outburst. So I would caution against being too rigid especially on overt emotional instability & the example of the cheating suspicions. Keep up the good work! You are a treasure!

[@resueah7257]

For me this manifests more as neuroticism than outburst. Cutting, cutting words when totally set off but that usually takes a betrayal wound being salted

[@agent00chimp]

Thank you very much! I lost my girlfriend...She was something special, but I've suspected alot of what you're discussing here and found I'm fearful avoidant. I really think this awareness will help me with future relationships...I will reach out after a few more weeks, and see if I can employ a better strategy for connecting and maintaining the relationship with my ex if there is an opportunity to reconnect. She means so much to me...And I feel like I got a thorough glimpse into my mind from the outside.

[@RM-dk8de]

Hey! How are things for you now.. hows your relationship

[@Fadingfader]

video sent from the heavens

[@beepbeepsweep7066]

🙌🏻Yes it does override the logical mind. Generally i very much avoid asking anyone for anything- as likely it'll be ignored or obliged then ignored. However just prior to the explosion- even sometimes during it- if I'm still there for a moment until full dissociation is reached- I'll find myself (fruitlessly🤷🏼‍♀️) BEGGING for the partner or friends or family member to just say anything nice-, honestly- I'll BEG for them to say anything at all- especially if they are going to leave me. It's natural to go but it can be stopped and there can be no reason to ghost/block If they are there in my presence a simple affectionate gesture would do the trick and stop the madness. - a handhold, head pet- eye contact- a good right hug is the way to go- at least for me I've been starved of touch since my youngest memory- What's more troubling is that oftentimes i don't even recall the venomous words I've said - and the shame after is double trouble. If I'm reminded of the words- they will come back into minds like a foggy memory feeling long ago- not just a moment ago- it's very disturbing to endure. And to avoid that is exactly why I'll throw pride out the window and beg like it's my last chance ( often it is) when normally I don't feel ok even expressing the most mild requests. To compare the desperation to stop the explosion I've accepted and even enabled others disrespect, abuse, and at times even enforce extreme acts of violence towards me. The emotional explosions feel far worse for so much longer. Time doesn't heal the effects either- I'll have the events replay in my head. Cry in private. And feel unnaturally intense heartbreak for up to to six months. The thoughts and replays remain intensely painful however they'll stop being the ONLY thing i can think of, they will no longer interfere with daily life. About one year in maybe the pain and mental loop of visual replays will decrease in frequency by half- i can attest to my worst aftershock- two full years post breakup still crying 1-3x daily with the pain as fresh as the first day, emotionally crippled to the extent of inability to do basic life. It's only just now lifting- thanks to your school and a special da guy 🙏🏻 I'm learning more than ever- and am easily able to implement what I've learned daily to my life as i rebuild it. Best of all i can have hope now bc 1) i am fixable ⭐️😅🎂 And 2) im not alone in this- excited to start the chat - thanks so much Thais for establishing your school! Keep up the great work- you've helped so many people 🙌🏻

[@mindtobodyfit]

Seriously this will save thousands of relationships! It’s definitely helped me! Thank you Thais ❤️🙏🏻😇

[@freedomfairie775]

Super helpful this one thankyou x

[@sadiqua7]

I was on the verge of reaching back out to my DA/FA ex.. but I will not! He didn’t meet my needs and that’s it and that’s all. I’ll just have to miss the good times and not forget the times I felt alone, and discarded which far outweigh the good. I’m working on my stuff.. he thinks he’s not complex and is happy to be “friends” while I feel stuck and unable to detach and get super triggered each time he likes an IG post of mine. It’s exhausting!! And he seems so unfazed!! Which is even more infuriating!!

[@Tarie3988]

I wish I had known all this a year ago before my relationship with my DA partner failed 😞 this is so eye opening

[@kristidin1983]

I seem to be a combination. I took the quiz. I wish I had known this too.

[@yveqeshy]

Something else you mentioned that with awareness and a deep understanding of what's happening especially when these scenarios play out, both if these individuals with different attachment styles can preferably ask for what they need maybe space /time to get a resolution and the other party can respect that and honor it, I really would like to hear you speak on practicing mindfulness and what each attachment style needs to do as they practice mindfulness.

[@sisista]

When do you know the relationship is over and you are not just shutting down when you are dismissing avoidant

[@ChauntelleARussell]

Did you make a video about this topic?

[@phylliswilhelm]

When it is less than 80 percent positive interactions.

[@C53Maximoff]

Very informative video :)

[@moonmissy]

Bottom line.. do not get into this dynamic of relationship! Get a secured partner or the very least, an anxious attachment style partner for the fearful avoidant. Dismissive avoidant are impossible to be with.

[@Stellabyestarlight]

That’s because they are usually a total malignant Narc

[@SR77736]

Right. She also the FA sound worse than the DA avoidant but the DA are extremely difficult to be with. Not to mention all the withdrawing, criticism and other triggers they use to keep people at a distant.

[@mememeome]

I think my partner is DA and I’m FA. Thankfully, we don’t have that volatility in our relationship and it’s pretty secure. But yeah I do need to communicate exactly what I want or need, otherwise it flies over his head haha. I did want to put it out there that with healthy communication, the relationship can work out. Our bickers usually do stem from me feeling like my thoughts or feelings, even in simple communication exchanges, were dismissed, however we can talk it out after I cool down (usually I need a little bit of time). Also, the reason I think I’m FA is because I know when we first were together, I took a very long time to open up, and when we established the relationship, I remember feeling terrified as though I made a huge mistake even though I had been craving it. That intimacy was completely foreign to me and was so uncomfortable to get through at first. I used to actually cry when I would try to communicate what was bothering me. He was very patient with me and made me feel more comfortable. Despite this, I know he prefers not to discuss or deal with his own emotional traumas. He’s also pretty independent, but does not like to be as emotionally intimate/verbal, which is why he is likely a DA. He likes to pretend everything is always good, but I know his upbringing was not a pleasant one. If it were up to him, our arguments would be swept under the rug. So I’m usually the one to confront them.

[@B.I.-EIO_macdonald9786]

Yes this is the dynamic in my interactions with my DA