The Dismissive Avoidant's Expectations For The Perfect Relationship | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

[@spigney4623]

As a DA these videos are a rollercoaster experience. The video makes me feel deeply understood, but when I scroll to the comment section I feel like I've wandered into a support group for my exes

[@notanotherone5564]

LOL as a recovery DA.. me too. But to be fair most of our exes are likely Anxious types and they have their own issue too.. including their affinity for placing blame onto external factors instead of internal ones. We’ve all got work to do!

[@spigney4623]

@@notanotherone5564 yesss. Very relatable

[@EstiEquinox]

As an AP I think feeling like a victim is kind of a reward for us. :/ In reality it's just another sign of our need to grow secure. I think that more APs tend to be here because we hate the feelings we get so much we're more likely to look for ways to "fix" it. Healthy or otherwise. Thus sometimes these turn into echo chambers for APs or well a support group for your exes. :( I'll apologize and apologize again for this. We APs are equally broken as you guys. We are equally worthwhile as you guys. It doesn't justify the slander at all, but I hope you'll just remember that most of the people hearing this are just scared and trying to deal with their hurt. Thank you for speaking out though.

[@spigney4623]

@@EstiEquinox thank you for being so kind. Its not easy for anyone to confront this stuff. Although it can trigger my "im fundamentally broken" wound, its still helpful to read comments from anxiously attached people. Even if they are coming from insecurity, it helps me empathize. Actually, i get a twisted reward from feeling like a perpetrator because it confirms the fundamentally broken mindset. Almost like, "wow ive finally found people who will tell me im just as evil as i feel".

[@Newtoyoutube3]

As a DA feel the same exact way😂

[@DeeJJ87]

I was with a DA for a couple years and personally I will never date anyone with that Attachment style again. I felt too alone.

[@thehapagirl92]

I personally know that I’m not compatible with people who don’t talk about emotions. I’m more serious and talk about deep things and feel uncomfortable being jokey and happy go lucky 24/7 because it seems fake to me

[@adrianatuscia707]

I know what you mean that is me as well .. but I keep being drawn to jokey lighthearted people...so sabotaging myself...

[@ann-louisegustavsson5008]

Me too, I resonate with this.

[@rhokesh4391]

Other way around to me, I feel that (negative- like sadness or hurt) emotions being expressed verbally are fake in any case, non-verbally sometimes too. The deeper, the more fake it feels. Same for love confessions. If I overhear someone telling someone they love them, I automatically assume that this person is just trying to convince themselves. DA, of course....

[@thehapagirl92]

@@rhokesh4391 Yep I have had DA boyfriends who feel like me wanting to talk about deep things is me being fake. Yet when he wants to talk about surface level stuff like work and the weather I feel like he is afraid to open up and just wants to keep me at arms length. What type of conversation do you feel is real and genuine?

[@josefinjulin718]

​@@thehapagirl92 haha shit i am FA and had so many quarrels with my DA about this. Thais said in some video that FA:s often feel MORE triggered by "mundane chatting" than not talking at all. YES. I would be so offended when me and my DA hadn't talked for like a week and he´d reach out to tell me about a new recipe without any sweet word or anything, like i was just some random gal after 2 yrs of turbulent dating like wtf. I have really tried to convey to him that i can't discuss the weather with him if i don't feel like we have some kind of established, basic connection first, otherwise i just feel like hes trying to push me away/ degrade me to "neighbour"-level. I think its slowly getting easier for him to express his emotions though as i am getting more secure, because general volatility level is rapidly decreasing so perhaps he starts to feel more safe. I am starting to understand Thais methaphos about DA:s learning to ice skate and me being like a hockey pro (though i realise my FA self did not have the clearest perception of what to expect from a healthy relationship, or how to act in it lol so i have learned a LOT from him too) But this "reaching out through weather talk" would literally drive me nuts and get me so agonised, especially before i enrolled in the school and did the work, and it still gets to me. We also have some life circumstances that "increases the volume" of our overall situation and triggers but that's another story hehe My DA never said he perceived deep conversations as fake though.

[@nielsdaemen]

She also expected me to know what she was thinking without her telling me

[@kazbaby212]

As someone an FA in a situationship with a DA it felt like I was in a FWB situation where there was a bit of sharing and closeness emotionally, but in a way that I would say I would have with my friends. It felt like there were walls that I couldn't get through to get the level of connection I desired. I realised the DA just didn't know how to have that connection with themselves, let alone with me.

[@josefinjulin718]

i can relate to this. for a long time with my da i kept feeling like the "romantic piece" was missing for me because we had sexual chemistry but no emotional connection in my measures. firstly because he would just keep shutting me out for ex by keeping conversation @ surface level, and when i would try to be vulnerable with him the way he reacted would trigger me to feel extremely rejected and even like i lost respect in hes eyes which made me feel really not seen heard understood etc, all the things i search for and crave in a relationship with both friends and romantic partners. like its literally that that interests me with bothering to have any relationship at all lol

[@expectabundance4886]

Amazing description. Thank you.

[@temposhop8739]

As a secure who leans DA when I feel pushed or violated, I've felt disrespected and coerced into being responsible for others' needs before it felt appropriate. I also have friendships with FAs and AAs who i feel get me. It took some time to iron out the wrinkles but feeling respected and not pushed to open up has a lot to do with motivating me to meet them half way. My partner is a DA and our dynamic works for us. We rarely cross each others' boundaries and can communicate in ways that are comfortable for both of us. Over time we got secure.

[@kaceoa]

Did you ever feel like they didn’t care about you or they weren’t interested in anything but that?

[@siryoucantdothat9743]

So have you found happiness yet

[@backup3537]

1. Harmony 2. Lightness 3. Consistency, safety, predictability 4. Laughter humor banter fun 5. Honor their space 6. Privacy respected 6. Little words of affirmation & validation & acknowledgment 7. Acts of service

[@falconbritt5461]

So if lightness and harmony are so critical, does that mean they just can't/won't discuss anything serious or problematic? Yeah, people in relationships never have to do that... except really often...

[@warmhart2034]

@@falconbritt5461 They probably will when they feel they can be more vulnerable. It will take them awhile to get to that stage as they will need to feel safe first to do so.

[@warmhart2034]

Spot on! My DA is getting all that from me..and it's working wonders😃 My DA is opening up more, doing less distancing and becoming more affectionate🥰

[@elukunyamikeh3763]

@@falconbritt5461 my 💉

[@seapeajones]

Hmmm. I can have the sensitive conversations, but for the love of God don't say "we need to talk." I think that phrase will scare anyone. Just tell me, instead. Don't expect them to volunteer feelings. If I'm quiet it's because I don't want to say anything to make things worse, or haven't processed. Be sure you say your piece, but if possible, keep the conversation short. Depending where they are on the spectrum they may need to withdraw, but I'm typically fine as long as it's not brought up again immediately after.

[@kelsiesmith7195]

I’ve been lost my entire life and this channel gives me direction

[@sergeigen1]

dang hardcore

[@IronX77]

Intro ends at 1:48

[@landdcollection]

Thank you!

[@tinybrit3225]

Every time I was busy doing my own thing or unavailable not paying attention to my DA at the time he would lean in more and even message me that he “missed me”. If I told him I didn’t want to spend the night with him he would try and convince me that I didn’t have to go. Or when I opted to sleep on the couch instead of in bed with him he tried to convince me to come to bed with him (this was because he wouldn’t cuddle me in bed so I didn’t want to feel rejected). Sleeping beside him was such an empty feeling, like a ghost may as well have been beside me. So it’s almost like the less I showed interest or cared about him the more interested he would become.

[@magdapagan4055]

I'm going through exactly the same situation... the more interest/clingy i get the more he pushes me away but as soon as i disregard him a bit, he looks for me...texts me...etc. Same ghost feeling in bed though...not the grestest feeling at all :(

[@SK-no2pp]

Sounds like a subconscious game

[@reflectioninthesnow7953]

I think that sad for you that you allow yourself to settle for crumbs of affection. People get what they think they deserve. If you think you deserve more and he is unwilling or incapable.....move on,

[@BeHappyNoMatterWhat]

Could it be an fa that leans da? This sounds like fa push pull pattern

[@vp5134]

It

[@azudeeporres1132]

I can manage being dependable but I NEED a partner who is there through the hard times and emotionally supportive.

[@truthsmiles]

Yeah as an AP it’s interesting how when she needs support, I’m 100% there for her, but when I need support she disappears. So, the relationship is great as long as I don’t need anything haha

[@arayaviolin6421]

My DAs ex parents never talked about emotions or conflict. They never argued. I’m an emotional person. So of course me and him didn’t work. This makes so much sense! I was wondering what it is he wanted from me. Whenever we argued he accuse me of yelling even though I wasn’t , being too difficult, too much drama, like I wasn’t allowed to bring anything up that was emotionally charged.

[@Candykisses0022]

This comment ❤️

[@23384linda]

Yes!! This is so true for my DA boyfriend - he has mentioned all of this at different times. We do have deep conversations from time to time, but we don't discuss our relationship and how we feel unless it's really necessary. I used to think that we should be talking about "us" a lot more, even if there were no reason to. But now that we're mainly talking about all the fun stuff we have in common and just enjoying our amazing chemistry, I notice our relationship is improving all over. I am getting more and more secure, and so is he. No drama made up by me just to stir things up, just harmony (most of the time, at least!) He has also began to voice his needs, from needing me-time to a back scratch, and it feels so good to show him that expressing needs is safe.

[@evonne315]

Wow. That sounds like the story of myself and my X, had to be easy breasy all the time...for him. If I had insecurities or any issues he would get irritated and shut me down and accuse me of making problems out of nothing. Even though I think I have a right to my own insecurities being recognized and honored too. All I needed was a few extra words of assurance, at lease from my persective. I had to hold it all in which to me is walking on eggshells and creating buildup to avoid upsetting him and ruining his good time with my emotional needs. Flipside he had major mood issues and was suicidal, so I was always setting myself aside to be sure I was there for him and strong for him. Clearly this is why were not together anymore!! Way too lopsided a relationship. Glad to hear you were able to work it out though for your situation. I miss my X terribly and need to stop replaying in my head ways I could have made it work or stop the argument. The attachment style thing has definitely given me new perspective and hope, but its this obvious you need BOTH people in the relationship willing to do the work, or at least talk about it together without blowing up! I definitly want to work through my insecurities for future relationships. I think I have come a long way on beating codependency and my anxieties, but want to avoid having that kind of situation again.

[@motjon]

You have no idea how much I envy you. I wish I could back and fix things with my ex.

[@edithhsedits226]

I love this!! Soo happy for you! ☺️

[@yanamclaughlin1644]

Yay a DA voicing his needs ♡♡♡♡

[@SK-no2pp]

@@evonne315 my person never ever wanted to validate me or acknowledge any of my feelings no matter how I expressed them. It was so frustrating. I miss him dearly but I couldn’t continue it. He texted me after 4 months like nothing happened, no big deal lol

[@con-can571]

My relationship motto has always been "how can I miss you, if you won't go away?".

[@dariaretouriste3002]

Thais is the only youtuber that I've seen who is spot on about the DA experience. I'm a DA. If your partner is a DA and if you want to understand them, listen to what Thais has to say.

[@Oceanusnovas-um2zf]

I'm a dissmissive Avoidant. I am very single now...6 years and counting and I am content. But, un thr past when I would say or Express my need for alone time or space just to regroup my thoughts, I was met with "the attitudes, an argument or person's thought I was just being difficult or weird. I have ALWAYS needed space even away from family and friends and time of from work/ projects..without it I would cave under. This is 1000% accurate for my love personality.

[@deannadolan5119]

I relate all too well to wanting enough space to miss my partner. It's interesting as someone who leans avoidant that I've chosen other avoidants or those who also lean that way. I realize now it's partially because I didn't feel threatened by too much attention from them.

[@GTO.007]

Basically DA’s ideal relationship means everyone needs to revolve around them. It’s full of nonsense in their thinking.

[@SSCCGL-ph9eb]

They better stay single their whole life!! DA= narcissistic that's it!

[@ismahenchaabouni4850]

For this to happen and for conversations and agreements to take place with a DA, the DA has to be first willing to work on himself, which is not that common because as a general rule, he thinks highly of himself and thinks others are below him because they need human connection. This is something he almost doesn't even know about. So best advice if you meet a DA who hasn't started reflecting on himself, just run away and analyze your own childhood wounds that he has triggered .

[@faithrahal142]

You sum up the experience so well. Thank you for your comment !

[@fitforfreelance]

It's nice to see that I'm not alone in having these feelings and "challenges"

[@ABSOLUTELYAesha]

As a DA woman, I would say this is spot on how I feel in my relationship. I'm at a place where I want to learn interdependence, but it is definitely a journey (especially when I've been single for like...forever).

[@moulee7448]

Me too..I am 21 and never been in a proper relationship...

[@shayjewels6204]

Same girl 🤦🏽‍♀️ especially on the single forever lol

[@captasn4359]

What do you think is the best way to convince a woman that she needs to look into AT? My wife is an extreme DA and I’m trying to introduce this to her but she doesn’t like talking about vulnerability….obviously…..

[@jovan1220]

Interdependence and communication is key I love it Thais!✊🏾❤️

[@magdapagan4055]

This helped so much today, my boyfriend is DA and I'm AA... it's been so difficult for me to understand him but I'm starting to get why he is and does certain things... so helpful 🙏

[@the6ixman416]

Hey I really wish you the best...an AA and DA relationship is basically a ticking time bomb that you have to keep resetting. Just remember you can never really rely on a DA for your emotional well-being.

[@yomikosburger]

Thank you so much for making this Thais. I'm mostly secure but swing to AP coping mechanisms when I feel extremely scared or hurt. This ratchets up my emotional volatility, violates the relationship harmony, and ends up making my DA freeze and back away. It's so tough!

[@TheBlanco951]

This describes who I am super spot on. I feel better knowing that there is hope to turn things around.

[@jnl3564]

As a DA, It's such a hard thing to wrap my mind around how my needs for independence and alone time can simultaneously be valid but also maladaptive. It's very difficult to find the middle ground there.

[@tubemankiwi]

1yr later, how are you doing? The key is interdependence Hyper-independence is maladaptive, much like co-dependence.

[@MrsXx]

I'm a secure attachment but love the room to miss my hubby. I love having the chance to miss him. I like that feeling. I didn't miss anyone before him.

[@kathleenburns4850]

This is the most helpful video I have seen on this topic. Thank you.

[@diamondlee625]

OMG !!!! Thais this was perfect ! ❤️☺️😊 👌 !!!!! Seriously, made my day and answered so many questions. Your doing a wonderful job. I truly think this will turn my anxiety and anxious side of a FA off because I understand my now DA BF !!! Thank you this will work wonders for our relationship. Keep up the great work

[@MsVynix]

SO SO MUCH VALUE IN THIS VIDEO!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

glad you got so much out of it :) -PDS team member

[@hidden_inchrist]

What's ironic is that they create the drama and disharmony lol

[@navymed3]

Too true

[@rachhhh9722]

Exactly!! I dont like drama is basically code for im gonna treat you like rubbish but you cant ever call me out on my behaviour

[@hidden_inchrist]

@@rachhhh9722 for real! He literally would tell me he "doesn't want to deal with it" if I were upset, so yeah well i don't want to deal with someone who can't put any effort into a relationship.

[@the6ixman416]

@@rachhhh9722 basically "I won't take responsibility for my actions and never discuss with you a way to resolve it peacefully because you're so judgemental and harsh but those are words I'm using to justify that I'm a victim although I'm really not" 😂 like grow up, please? DA's, man or woman, they have the same tendencies.

[@the6ixman416]

@@hidden_inchrist Yeah she used to tell me that so often 🤣. "I don't want to talk about it." What are you, 5? You can't sweep your mess under the rug and pretend it'll disappear forever. Daddy's going to find it sooner or later. We shouldn't put up with one-sided relationships. Save your energy people.

[@jaydineinvenice4718]

I get that DAs need their privacy and I can completely get on board with that. The thing that confuses me is what is the difference between someone having "privacy" and someone actively "hiding" things from you? How do you know if your partner is just being private (at a healthy level) or if your partner is doing things that they just don't want you to know about (hiding things)? Is there a way to tell the difference between the two?

[@flexcapazitor1940]

I am not psychologist, I am only speaking as a DA, myself. But in my experience, I used “hiding” as a “protection”. For example, I had hobbies I liked to do, but I felt I needed “space” to be able to do them. I felt compelled to “hide” only because I was afraid of being judged for what I was doing. I felt guilty for wanting time to myself, but also embarrassed to show what I was working on for fear of being judged or criticized, or worst yet, asked to stop. So it’s more of protective mechanism. I think gentle communication might help. Ask with sincere curiosity, and make sure they know it’s okay and SAFE to have the time alone and/or share things with you. For me, it has always been a fear of being smothered, or sense of owing an explanation. So the gentler the conversation and allowance, the less need to “hide”. Just know, it’s probably not personal to you, unless you act out of insecurity. Then it will push DA farther away, because they will sense the grasping (or expectation) and hide even more.

[@danieldora2208]

It is such a great question! I have been thinking about this for month on end!!

[@danieldora2208]

@@flexcapazitor1940 Thank you for the answer, but how can I cope with this thing when it is about our plans together for instance or sport that we used to do together. And when I say it is all okey, even having lunch with his ex every Sunday...when he feels the security than he takes another step and does something else stepping over a boundery? Why? When I give security so that he really starts to feel secure and I am hoping that he will be open. But no, he uses it,, at least that is how I feel. :(

[@ronb9901]

@@danieldora2208 you need to draw a line in the sand at some point!!

[@emmahedgecock7091]

I think sometimes privacy and hiding things from you are the same thing. I want privacy because I want to hide from you I haven’t thrown out the Chinese takeout from two weeks ago. I think what you are trying to ask is how do you know if they are hiding things that do NOT affect the relationship, like how I always am more clean when a partner is there and if I lived with one would clean up, versus micro cheating. Honestly, cheating and microcheating are not a shame thing, and easier to hide. If I was ashamed and seemed very adamant it would likely be an embarrassment thing. If I was kinda mean and dismissive it might be something worse. Although, the worst would probably just be talking shit about my partner to my same sex friends on text. Or ones there’s nothing with. I don’t ever wanna stay with someone who sucks (I’ve literally done this just to “prove I could make something work,” I succeeded. I know no you don’t leave the second something is bad, but just because somethkng is bad you should not always work through it, sometimes that IS a sign to leave, it’s all very confusing.” But honestly, I think I would feel too bad to be mean if it was something bad I was hiding. Id probably be more cool. Usually, it’s either things that are embarrassing. Or things that don’t occur to me to share. Like I haven’t talked to my family enough and want the night alone to order chipotle and call them.

[@Bornie1977]

if you think about this list, i see many items that could be perfectly included in any non-DA's list as well. most of the items are really reasonable, regardless the attachment style. but you can consider these items while sharing some love at the same time, that's my point! and that's what many DA people have problems with.

[@DesignerAdvocate]

Currently in a battle with my DA Ex. You have provided so much information and all of this is helpful, in my battle to retain her. I am a SA, but might be fringe DA at times LOL. I will be supporting you courses soon as I have the time.

[@daskapodnogom]

Thank you! I am a.p. and she is d .a. and you are my biggest support... ♥️

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

happy to be here for you :) -PDS team member

[@HYPRdream]

I appreciate you so much. This information is so helpful. Your channel gives me hope

[@sofiagarrahan4170]

EXCELLENT VIDEO, as usual, THANK YOU!

[@TheCoffeeCat]

Great information, Thais! I so wish this video had come out 7 months ago! Sigh...

[@elenarae_]

Oh my goodness, everything you mentioned is exactly how my long distance boyfriend is. Thank you. We even talked about harmony and peace and those two things are super important to him. He hates conflict and where I am now feeling anxious I may cause conflict not intentionally. So he definitely loves his space.

[@edithhsedits226]

This is super helpful! ☺️

[@TheMaxymama]

Honestly, the description of the relationship sounds divine!

[@Ksiuiu]

Just what I needed! ❤️ thanks again for a great video!

[@smonaful]

My fa has been ignoring me for 4 days after meeting each other in person. Zero communication or connection😔 it hurts my heart in ways i can't begin to express. I watched your interview with kyle cease last night and it has made me want to let go of what isn't serving my highest desire for connection and harmony. Every day lived in heartbreak is a day i want to live in love from now on. I know it is her choice to live her life this way, to accept and receive love or not. I now respect her soul's journey as being her own without me. Thank you for your words of affirmation of self honesty, acceptance, and living in integrity with ourselves. This is how we can feel our own truth in every moment. Spreading the love to all 💗

[@andreahoyosl]

So much love in your words

[@smonaful]

@@andreahoyosl 🙏🏽

[@evonne315]

Love Kyle Cease will have to find that discussion. I feel for you, I am FA though and would never do that becuase I know how horrible it would feel to be shut out. My X just shut me down blocking me, it feels awful refuses to let me be heard, but best bc he is so volitile and unpredictable. The break in contact is needed. I thought he may be DA, but he hates this kind of stuff its people 'labeling him'. Not a suprise we couldn't find a means to work on things. I hope in time your heart heals. I have been meditating and crying a lot to let it out, and trust in time it will pass.

[@djenning90]

This is very helpful, thanks!!

[@heatherbrown9127]

This is sooo accurate..wow!!

[@m.majaaz8464]

Love you , Thais ❤

[@sallyshore-dz8rn]

So tread on eggshells, expect no commitment but be jolly about it.

[@northshorelight35]

I'm in a relationship with a DA and am deeply in love with him. Recently, I met a secure and it's made me really rethink about my relationship. I don't want to pursue the secure but I realize how refreshing it is and prefer this type of style. I don't know how to tell my DA. As always, I will probably resort to my habit of emotionally checking out until I just stop talking to him. I don't see the point in discussing my needs with the DA if I plan to find a secure. Is it weird that I'm breaking up with someone whom I love deeply? I've done it before.

[@MM-zf2zl]

It isn’t weird

[@gordonh2223]

It is yes, but isn't it just as weird trying to connect to people that only wants the title more so than the connection itself

[@spikygreen]

What makes you not want to try communicating your needs to the DA? The needs you are hoping to get from the secure person. That would be a secure behavior. A secure person will still expect you to communicate your needs. If you keep communicating and don't see the needle moving with the DA, then you'll know for sure they aren't willing to work on the relationship.

[@selenanwude9681]

I identify with the patterns of a DA she discusses here and based only on the characteristics shared here, a relationship with these components sounds divine. I'm open to more interdependence and intimacy but beyond that, the patterns she describes sound pretty healthy and realistic to me. I know that all styles are on a spectrum, but I'd take what she talked about any day in a relationship.

[@SS-ly2bn]

This description sounds very much like my former boyfriend. He wanted “peace & tranquility”. I told him that I am all liveliness & vivacity. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@christiebrkt]

Harmony? In my experience it’s the DA that causes the disharmony and other needs mentioned also seem like gaslighting. You may have been self reflective enough to change but sadly I wouldn’t bet on most DA’s for long term change or true intimacy

[@chiaraA.]

So basically, picture a 5-yr old (basically in an adult body) and that is your partner. I picture it as this kid in a sand box playing making sandcastles while you're looking at them and trying to have a discussion with them about solving a problem between the two of you or expressing your vulnerabilities to deepen the connection that adults in romantic relationships crave - good luck. And step back from this for a second and be the observer of that exchange - watching it you'd be like - why is this person thinking this child is capable of any of this - they just want to make sand castles and be left alone to play quietly - yeah it is that ridiculous - go find yourself a REAL partner

[@detailforward2530]

my DA ex literally had the personality of a 5 year old, it came out after a few months of dating

[@janicep985]

I can understand and respect this but what if DA's job requires them to be gone for about 3 wks at a time and the moment i express how I feel a disconnect or lack of communication they run and stonewall for 2 weeks. This is exhausting. We all want a harmonious relationship but someone who can't deal with conflicts, even minor one's is exhausting.

[@Talkinglife]

Good one

[@amybraun1189]

Time alone and time apart is cool. Maybe if DA’s talk about it more and have them tell you stuff to make u feel secure.

[@katherinelydon7306]

Everything their way

[@xxxoxoxxx9443]

this is literally me soo accurate

[@Meli-ul9zt]

So my ex who is DA was very private. We never really spoke much about social media because I didn’t use it much and he didn’t either so I just never really thought about. But one day I asked him to see his Twitter just out of curiosity because I never liked Twitter and he said he liked it more than Instagram. Well yeah that started something because he had posts talking about other women like calling a famous women fine as hell and saying he loves a shortie with a good Afro and well that’s definitely not me. And he had a few others that just made him sound like a single man. I got pretty upset about it because I always respected and understood his need for privacy and not wanting to share me on social media because of that. But the moment I saw that I just didn’t understand why he felt the need to speak on other women and portray a single image but not talk about me in any way? I genuinely wouldn’t have cared about any of those posts if he also had ones that made him seem like a happy boyfriend. He basically just said it doesn’t matter what other people think, we know what we have. But I felt it was a respect thing and I also just didn’t understand. Now looking back I feel like he just wanted a small part of his life to feel “free” and even though now I would be more calm about it, it’s still something I don’t like at all and will never again accept in a relationship but am I being immature for feeling that way? I know he wasn’t doing it to be a dick and I know he wasn’t ashamed of me but I just don’t understand that behavior.

[@connieb1667]

Try not to second guess yourself. Odds are he would have escalated to things like flirting with other women, or secret friendships with other women. IMO, what he did disrespected the boundaries of your relationship. What's more, it sounds like he tried to justify his behaviour rather than try to understand your perspective nd change his behaviour according. Classic DA non-accountability.

[@the6ixman416]

@@connieb1667 exactly. Classic DA move. Emotional cheating even in a subtle way by idolizing a celeb or random actor is what they love because they feel "less controlled." They want to feel single within the relationship. They want to always feel like they have one foot out of the pond. They get their support from external sources. But then you're confused like...why are you in a relationship with me then? 😂

[@SK-no2pp]

No you’re not being immature. You gave him space and privacy and he misused it.

[@chiaraA.]

your needs and your expectations in a relationship are yours to set - there is nothing wrong with them. The only message here is that you were not compatible and he wasn't for you - most people in your position would feel as you I venture to say

[@landdcollection]

Can you expand on the point of “privacy being respected” for the DA? My DA ex constantly talked about this, but to the point where he deleted his Facebook so I couldn’t even think of tagging him on photos, or not holding hands / peck kissing to greet each other in public. It felt a lot like pocketing, but it’s hard to discern given DAs have this big privacy need.

[@michellep9536]

OMG YES! current bf who pulls away from time to time is like this too...and I know it's not a cheating thing because he's super moral, but before we got into the relationship we had this long talk about Facebook boundries and how he didnt want too much stuff on there, ect. But also told me he didnt want to hide our relationship (luckily I dont have a Facebook anymore anyway) BUT! the weirdest thing...he told me he didnt have a snap chat and yet I saw he did and then he blocked me before I could even add him...which was odd. I haven't brought it up, but I'm going to because that feels...not very nice. But yeah he's SUPER private too. As far as I dont even know where he lives. He doesn't talk much about himself, ect ect. All his social media are very private, no pictures, ect. Not even on his family member's. (I don't want comments about how he's not my bf/cheating ect. These have all been long mature conversations we've had, ect)

[@Canadianforestfairy]

As an FA leaning DA I deactivated facebook too, it feels overwhelming and gives me anxiety (because I feel too accessible. Even when I really love someone I am involved with, too much time together or texting feels overwhelming- I wish it didn't but it does. The not holding hands or pecking in public is the only sketch thing, some people feel embarassed with any kind of PDA- that part would make me think.

[@_anon_4532]

@@Canadianforestfairy I’m a DA and I agree & relate to everything you said. The PDA is sketchy too. I have no problem with PDA. I’m pretty touchy feely when I’m really into a person.

[@isaacalvarado3662]

As a DA, it's not just my privacy that I want respected, but I also respect my partner's, friends and family need for privacy. I trust that whatever my partner wants to keep private, it's not something detrimental to our relationship. If it is, then I also expect them to be able to talk to me about it. When that trust and privacy is broken, it's really hard for me to trust that person again. For example, my ex was a FA and had snooped on my phone twice. Both times leading to the largest conflicts we had and my ultimate distrust in her to not do it again. As for social media, I actually deleted my first facebook and took a 7 year break from it. Still don't really use it other than to talk with certain friends and family.

[@juliepetkovska520]

For me as a DA any relationship that is too showy is fake. One photo every now and then ok, but constant need to show you're "happy" or in a "relationship" brings unwanted pressure and seems like the person is with you for the wrong reasons. I dont have a relationship status on my social media regardless if I am dating or not. I like private PDA for example in an isle with no one there or in a quiet space. Not in a very public space.. again seems desperate.

[@rafaelparra1260]

space but not too much space

[@truthsmiles]

“Harmony” is such an interesting word… of course we all want harmony (even us APs), but what if there is a disagreement? Do we temporarily sacrifice the harmony so we can have a serious conversation and invest in future harmony? Or do we just ignore the disagreement and hope it goes away in service of immediate “harmony”?

[@alicemungia1642]

My DA says he wants peace at all times. I'm very independent but I had to learn to be emotionally independent. He loves banter and sarcasm. He treasures his free time but now there's nowhere to go. Extremely private and uncomfortable with compliments. He loves receiving gifts and being taken care of. Does he take care of me? Only if I ask. 🤔

[@_anon_4532]

I’m a DA and tbh I think that sounds selfish... he might be a little egotistical or narcissistic. Be careful. I thought I was dating a DA like myself once and turns out he was a narcissist.

[@magdapagan4055]

Omg!!! Same here...wow!!

[@d2svpcfp]

Me three...

[@SK-no2pp]

Extreme imbalance in the relationship dynamic. What are you getting out of this? Do you feel truly loved, seen, cherished? We get into relationships so we can feel the connection, and have a reciprocity. Know that our partner has got our back. If you can express your feelings, or someone needs a lot of space, what’s the point anyway. There’s always somewhere to go, outdoor dining is open, it’s nice weather for hikes etc.

[@alicemungia1642]

@@SK-no2pp Despite his protective walls he makes me laugh and shows me he loves me. We spend entire weekends together at his home. He seeks my knowledge in all aspects of his life. As long as I respect his boundaries we are happy. The pandemic has softened him and he tells me he loves me more often. Because of this channel I have learned to trust him which in turn has improved our relationship.

[@amym3337]

Thanks

[@redrumax]

My DA love languages are words of affirmation, touch, special time...

[@Oceanusnovas-um2zf]

BTW; Your beautiful! God bless you and your channel.

[@Captain_MonsterFart]

Sounds pretty good to me

[@romanyfirst95]

We have 3 years invested l have honored when he wants space we c each other twice a week. Breadcrumbs l accepted. I am not wanting to give up my invested years but am not sure he wants to continue. Am age difference is a fact which might be a factor. I am looking forward to get help in some way. Thank you

[@jeanjessmommysharlyn2771]

I have a guy best friend that I love..his a DA and we're really good always jokes around and being playful and he likes to spend time with me, his so sweet whenever we're together but on chat we struggle ahehe, the problem is when I talked about my emotions he distance himself and especially when it comes to topic about relationship...he will always tells me I only like you as a friend and I don't want a relationship...and I was like...what's going on? Are you playing mind games or what..so I feel resented and distance myself...other times give him silent treatment coz I can't understand him...so...any advice that I should do and is that how they are, like his commitment phobia? I've asked about his past and his ex was an FA and idk he keeps on wanting his ex even she cheated on him...need a really good advice from you and thanks in advance... hoping for your response...😊😉

[@1nfty-]

This is so on point it's scary. Specially the last part about having room to miss somebody. My ex is AP, we used to hang out 2 to 3 times a week for 3 years and that was so draining. Sure, i could enjoy the company, but often i would go home very tired and not even wanting to sleep at her place sometimes. I never knew about attachment theory or any of that during that time, so i didn't know why i felt like that. And i definetly never told her that i never missed her or that i was exhausted after a full weekend together. And then she would blow my phone up when i was home doing my stuff. But it was funny to realize that i could actually miss her during this pandemic when we spent like a whole month apart when she went back to her parents house. Haha.

[@christianone6611]

😮 This is not giving me ANY hope. 2-3 times a week felt DRAINING to you???? For years? I am an AP, trying to be understanding of my DA or FA (not sure which one he is yet) and give him lots of space to miss me. My ideal is being together like 95% of the time. So the farthest I could stretch might be the 2-3x's a week while feeling maybe neglected and resentful. I can do 70% together without feeling upset but WHOA!!! You DA's are like a whole other species to me. Maybe DA's should only date each other cuz this is pure neglect for an AP.

[@paniq_fnite]

@@christianone6611 you’re not wrong. I feel like AP’s with a DA is just near impossible. I’m FA leaning DA and AP’s exhaust me I can’t but DA’s are too distant for me. I want an FA or Secure.

[@erin9243]

@@christianone6611 not all DAs are quite that extreme. Me & my DA boyfriend live together and so obviously see each other / hang out every day. As long as he has time apart for his hobbies and I refrain from blowing up his phone when we’re not together it works. I agree that 2-3 times a week would be the bare minimum for me too. I’m also AP

[@stephaniefaircloth3849]

You are spot on! Or at least my ex Is 100-% a DA!

[@dannywholuv]

Imagine being limited to talking about the weather 😬

[@gala2103]

Or work. Can't stand it. Unbearable.

[@melanieross3211]

Ex is a DA. Its amazing to hear everything i felt with him is exactly what others have experienced. Im secure but became anxious attached. I love him. But i couldn't fall in love. His walls were too high n i just felt like my needs n wants weren't important. Its hard when youre naturally a givingnperson in a relationship. But its my fault also. He warned me he doesn't get attached. Oh silly, silly Mel!

[@chiaraA.]

Funny, for the first time when I dated a DA I too didn't fall in love. But I felt love for them. I even expressed this to him at the break up - and said how weird I found that - because we had all the things.... I didn't know a DA was a thing until in the aftermath, as it is with most ex-partners of DAs. And I realized upon doing the research, that the walls were too damn high, There was no emotion and intimacy to reciprocate coming from them - and that gave me much in terms of accepting and letting go, because no matter what my feelings were in that relationship, I could not settle for someone who cannot have emotional intimacy and who you cannot have love with

[@melanieross3211]

@chiaraA. same here. Now I know I'm anxious attached. Secure in the right relationship, I know to watch for those red flags. I've seen them again recently. A guy I was getting to know went text silent. I realised very quickly. I don't have the energy. Especially when he says he doesn't know how he feels. That's my exit

[@chiaraA.]

@@melanieross3211 sounds like you were squarely dealing with reality and made the call - I would hope to make as quickly as you did if I was in your shoes. We need to help and support each other, while these people need to be left alone. They can appear normal in the early stages of dating but a DA is unfit to be in a romantic relationship and too many content creators make it seem like there is an equivalency on all sides of the attachment spectrum, but IMO I don't believe that's true

[@Toucanyou]

I'm not a DA, I'm just using this information so that the DA I like will feel comfortable around me and I can learn to ideally meet their needs and create stability and control because that's what I learned to do as a child. #bigbrain

[@vp5134]

I always thought my ex was the DA. Watching this I'm realising I think I was the DA. 🙈🙈🙈

[@aspenwood6889]

I relate to a lot of this but I’m an FA. Does that mean I just tend to be on the dismissive side right now?

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

yes that's right -PDS team member

[@nataliel2149]

I’m curious, what does a relationship between two dismissive avoidants look like? It seems it would just be co- existing?

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

these two come together the least, usually neither one wants to take the next step and take that driver role and create positive momentum towards commitment. Sometimes they date and then it fizzles. Both partners might feel invalidated or unsupported and not even sure if the other person really cares. So this creates more pulling away and wirthdrawing consistently. It's really important for a DA to feel understood and with the DA/DA dynamic that doesnt happen easily. -PDS team member

[@nataliel2149]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool thank you so much, that makes a lot of sense!

[@nikitheeartist]

2 DA’s = good as friends. But as a relationship, it would literally crumple in less than a week bc neither of them reached out to the other.

[@the6ixman416]

Just imagine two people on their phones in their own room enjoying their own privacy. Kind of like roommates.

[@nataliel2149]

@@the6ixman416 that’s what I was guessing, just co-existing but never connecting. Just coming and going independently, doing their own thing

[@MrClemsonfan2011]

I think that's natural in women point blank. You gotta pull back at some point because if you don't, he will kill her attraction

[@misslaceej]

Time apart so they can hang with a side piece? I was the side piece and found out he wasn't thinking of leaving the comfort of his own girlfriend who he continues to live with in fear of change and whom he won't marry or be real with.

[@ollis1270]

My DA girlfriend stated all of these, she would retreat whenever she has a problem. When she had low energy and was kinda depressed because of her job she would barely want to do anything except playing video games. Now she has a lot to do at work and is stoked about it, but she needs to communicate a lot at work wich drains her so much that she has to cope with video games. She would make me feel like I was another job, a job she has to do. Now she works a lot in her actual job, which she loves to do. Whenever I perceive that it breaks my heart, I just do not get any quality time from her it feels like I always have to wait. Funny enough I tested as securely attached person but I have never felt that needy in my life.

[@chiaraA.]

your needs and expectations are important and you should respect them and give yourself what you deserve - which is reciprocity in relationship. I say move on from this - because honoring and respecting yourself comes from you first

[@leslilindquist1379]

Please clarify... The 2nd point, did you say “lightness” or “likeness”? Example to keep things light in the relationship or similarities with their partner?

[@Teddy_lovebea]

@Lesli Lindqvist lightness

[@arxsyn]

I'm a Pisces, lightness is difficult, we wanna go in deep. But that would scare any DA off. Intuitively l knew that when l was dating one. It felt rather superficial and surface level for me. A bit disappointing.

[@-alfeim2919]

They feel like aces for me as well

[@alisagalloza9328]

Jesús Christ, thank you so much!

[@Candy_Mountain]

If they want harmony, they can’t lie & withhold info

[@lindsay3793]

ADD TO THE LIST: To give zero fxcks about their partner. Never give back. Take take take.

[@Viktoryia3]

So are these things you "shouldn't" ask for? I understand there will be fluctuations and not every moment will be 'perfect' but is it unrealistic to ask for these qualities to be within the relationship at all? It could be just me but that's how the title almost made it seem XD

[@dclarke2179]

These are attributes, that a Dismissive would like in a relationship.

[@ironicgambino8987]

Can you make these videos longer?

[@flower_7890]

I'm FA but with people who are more into me than am into them I turn into DA.

[@mskmg34]

Wow. You described me to a T 😳

[@soblessed4844]

I gave up caring about the DA! Especially when I was doing all the work, and there was no reciprocity! It is downright exhausting! ✌🏽🧘🏾‍♂️

[@sibyltoth9299]

Was the second point likeness?

[@kristianvrum8979]

I'm not sure, but I think she said "lightness"

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

"lightness" -PDS team member

[@joannahfine536]

Starts talking about real topic at 1:50.

[@Ghost-zm1rk]

1:49

[@kimmichaud4064]

He is not meeting my needs I love him but I need more attention and support and he just doesn't get it he doesn't check in with me enough and I hate it

[@chadb9452]

I feel your pain. I’m in the same boat and I also hate it

[@kimmichaud4064]

@@chadb9452 it's so heartbreaking and painful

[@chadb9452]

@@kimmichaud4064 It's very painful indeed and I feel like people in serious relationships deserve to be treated with Love and Respect. Life is too short!

[@kavbee]

DA's should remain single, in my opinion. All I hear is what THEY want but nothing about what they're GIVING??!

[@CommandoMaster]

One mistake and ur not seen as good enough for a DA.

[@romanyfirst95]

On the verge of him leaving bc l think he is looking for someone younger then me. He has been very needy financially now not so. Maybe he is going to leave bc of that reason

[@komatsu8169]

Fear of abundonment triggered. So what happened, did you leave him?

[@ASTROJJEN]

I find that I’m the DA in a relationship until I meet a DA. Then I become preoccupied. Anyone else do this?? I really like DAs, I like the independence aspect but find my nervous system acting up when They’re the ones initiating space. Eek.

[@ismahenchaabouni4850]

There is a big chance you're an FA actually, ie fearful avoidant. Have you checked that out ?

[@jennettebaughan4393]

But they are not willing to give anything back. They want all that but they do not want to give anything

[@stephaniep1761]

The perfect relationship is none at all.

[@temposhop8739]

If you have a schizoid personality

[@stephaniep1761]

@@temposhop8739 not true. Relationships are not necessary all of the time. Doing good in the world may be a better option. Many people have a limited world view and spend their life fulfilling their own needs. I believe there is more to life, and that biology is limiting our potential.

[@12345678abracadabra]

Hello, dismissive avoidant. My last two exes are DA and they both literally said what you said about biology right about the time we broke up lol. Let me guess, you're ex sent you this video? Cuz no way you find this yourself haha

[@stephaniep1761]

@@12345678abracadabra Whatever you label me as, I have done my research. You are limiting your potential if you are drawn to a hormonal existence.

[@temposhop8739]

@@12345678abracadabra hey, that's not fair to dismissive avoidants. It doesn't mean they don't value relationships.

[@cherylthompson2731]

The only person for a DA, is another DA🙄

[@lifeisbeautiful7047]

This woman keeps on appearing in my ads .. and that's quite diturbing !