The Dr. Cloud Show | Getting over being a people-pleaser - Episode 67

[@user-60267]

I really appreciate the way he stepped in and reframed her negative assessment of the progress she’s made on people-pleasing. “There’s more lake to cover yet” is a great metaphor to keep in mind when you’re being hard on yourself about something you’re trying to change about yourself.

[@jennywilsongarrett]

Thank you so much Dr. Cloud!

[@codfishjoe9232]

Right there with Charlotte. I constantly need reminding that we're not on the other side of the lake yet. Perfection isn't the goal, but progress is.

[@blessed7927]

It seems like you can catch THEM off guard by asking THEM to explain what part of the conversation they have an issue with but he did it was such unemotional casualness. Lol Good pointers. I wish he wrote a book about “come backs” for how to respond to emotionally abusive people. I go blank usually.

[@mbwilson8592]

I agree. It's so shocking when people act so out-of-line. One that can work really well is "hmm.. I'll think on that" and broken record and then totally end it.

[@stevepeters4583]

ME TOO !!!

[@dianebeall1125]

I love that Dr. Cloud has such sharp insight and is able to bring out such valuable principles for us all to see as he is conducting a session with callers... These are powerful principles that we can all go back and be reminded of.

[@northerngaltrue]

Thank you so much!! This came a just the perfect time. It’s so hard when you are dealing with a right fighter who derails the conversation before you even know what has happened!! I love the role playing too. I need more of this!

[@mtjc5336]

This was so helpful!! Thank you, caller and Dr Cloud! It’s so hard to navigate the people who take offense and then launch themselves on the offensive. As a recovering people-pleaser, wow that rocks me back on my heels and make sit so confusing to try and move forward in that moment!

[@MySonshineLife]

That's not a true friend. Either that, or they have to work some things in their own life. But no one should have to deal with someone that is constantly drains life and energy out of someone.

[@NoreenStarck]

Yes! Exactly 💯i didn't do a thing , my sister behaves this way , so down & out , & complains & gossips & causes drama & ugliness in her black heart of bs !

[@MeredithKirsch]

You’re awesome Dr Cloud! Love all the cheerleading haha! 🎉🎉😁😁

[@sarahd1706]

He makes it seem so easy!

[@venicelight1320]

Perfection!!! "...stay in your heart."

[@jennifertomlinson7726]

This is hilarious I love how much you care

[@GETGODMUSCLE]

Great episode! I so need to learn all of this badly...

[@purplesealights]

In reality, even if you come up with a response that can stump a defensive person, it doesn't usually stop the denial. It doesn't change the motive to project, turning around with comments to put the original person on the defense and thereby often evade the issue that is already known on some level (but usually isn't their biggest issue at hand, and therefore is unaddressed..or, is not seen as an issue-- but often it is not totally unseen as an recurring behavior). I apologize for taking a critical step forward, I am totally new to this and haven't read your book, but I have to highlight this as a question and invitation for dialogue as this sense hinders me from seeing resolution through communication as likely-- and this lens and expectation is definitely negative, I realize. Yet at the end of the day, it still appears often that people pleasing keeps relationships pleasantly superficial where they would often be otherwise mostly negative and potentially more involved with more to lose. I (a very single person with little interpersonal commitment) feel as though the desire to work on most problems is entirely with the person bringing them up...understandably, because they are the critic, rather than the criticized. The inability to receive constructive criticism is usually spotted really far in advance. Thus, the fawning and pleasantries instead of requests for change. I've had people who are less attuned to my boundaries and relational desires criticize me for being vague and people pleasing. In truth, the "shyness" that is so ridiculed and highlighted often comes from actually not believing in the person's desire to better the dynamic, sensing this from afar, and not being willing to play the villain by repeatedly pointing out the obvious and falling into being attacked by what are essentially (even if unwittingly) psychologically dangerous tactics like gaslighting. As a Christian, I do question boundaries. Sometimes, I think of how God would give it all for us, because of HIS nature, rather than what is fair. This is mercy, grace, and faith in growth, healing, and possibilities. On the other hand, as humans, sometimes I wonder why it is seen as the moral high ground to point out the obvious to adults who are clearly avoiding it. It sometimes feels like a parade for the offended, and a dance that they perform alone, to no avail, and with an understanding that their requests and emotional desires will be unfulfilled at best, and they'll probably also be offended with irrational comebacks or complicated dynamics they themselves don't know how to resolve. Eventually, we become aware of our kids' social issues. It's not that we don't know or care, but either we are kind of apologetic for those areas and trying to work with them, or we are angry at others for not accommodating them, and we tend to ignore them. I think we all do a little of both at times to survive. The likelihood that this little girl's dad or grandparent or another third party is modeling certain maladaptive behaviors is high. Maybe that's why mom's sensitive, because it's been normalized or fought unsuccessfully in her own life. At this point, the one thing that makes sense is being unapologetic simply because it is the truth and it keeps us from functioning as passive aggressive people who have a nice veneer but are angry inside. However, truth be told, trying to re-educate people around us, and co-parent with unfriendly friends, or friends who cannot cope with a lot of reality... can be equally draining... Am I wrong? My trepidation about learning about "boundaries" by the (any) book or any professional or any social scientist is that there is an assumption that the best thing to do is clearly communicate with people who are predictably irrational. Maybe that's important, because maybe that's all of us. But if we have to train one another to stay in our monkey cages and not bite, is it really a mature thing to pursue? And is this not why life is a bit lonely? This commentary sounds more depressing than I mean it to be, but I'd love to just get real with someone who can respond encouragingly. Love, Chelsea

[@yeshuaissalvation1528]

1, you are very well written 2, people are predictably irrational, especially when faced with a mirror pointing out how irrational they are being 3, I think establishing boundaries is more than justifying one’s personal preferences IF those boundaries are good. Just because God gave everything He could for our salvation out of love does not mean He wasn’t standing up for something. His boundary is our sin nature by which we are cleansed upon faith in Christ. 4, being honest about one’s boundaries gives the other person/people an opportunity to practice selfless love and sacrifice, it gets them thinking “is this relationship more valuable than my pride,” or “what of my values are truly at odds with this other person’s values and what do I do from there?” I’m sorry for not touching on all of your points but I sincerely hope this offers something of value.

[@yeshuaissalvation1528]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/nHu3gKylrqmco7s maybe this will help?

[@susanne_christine]

What’s for lunch by the way? Lol love it! 💗

[@aiminbara7538]

Narcissists act like her friend. They made gaslighting.

[@skajs426]

This woman's "friend" is not her friend

[@alexg7472]

Go Charlotte

[@bygraceonly182]

Stop interrupting her please!

[@SarahBamfordSeidelmann]

Yessss!!!!!🥹🥹🥹

[@billhildebrand5053]

12:47. Your coaching your daughter to be mean to people. I want my daughter to stay away....to not want to be abused....

[@TheWaterbouy88]

Most Christian women I meet as a single man want to have pre-marital sex.

[@Moon_lulu]

that's not a good testimony and I'm sorry about that

[@susanmarie2231]

Please let Charlotte speak without interruption. I had to stop watching this.

[@angelmacas1774]

It seems as if he's interrupting her but this is a session on KZbin and time is of essence. He is trying to help her learn a skill necessary for her growth.

[@kevinspliid8509]

I find focus on the family does this alot

[@flamingrobin5957]

you raise a good point because a people pleaser has the habit of being erased by other assertive people.

[@flamingrobin5957]

the healthy thing would be for this people pleasing girl to stand up for herself and ask not to be interrupted.

[@beckyj325]

It was worth watching. Yes he interrupted her but he didn't belittle her. He was trying to encourage. The actual lesson was great for her and the other listeners.

[@mariesmith5670]

Lol. This man is a narcissist himself. He’s acting like a jerk to her.

[@SarahBamfordSeidelmann]

My Intuituve hit is the same as yours. Yuck. Dominating/interrupting.

[@mariesmith5670]

Lol. I think this Dr. cloud is a narcissist. He seems like he’s manipulating her and cutting her off and won’t let her speak and controlling the situation in a smug and arrogant manner. I think she needs to quit paying attention to him.

[@KUBZEE]

No the way I see it he’s interrupting her self doubt and trying to re-affirm and encourage her so she doesn’t keep repeating the negative stuff...

[@CJ-sw8lc]

How can you diagnose a narcissist from a short KZbin video...?

[@ILuvMyBrwnSkin]

@@KUBZEE Exactly

[@eleanorjordan3404]

Gaslighting 🙄🙄🥸🥸🖤🖤 They also get mad at you when you treat your SELF and with dignity!