The Exact Moment I Stopped Believing in the Mormon Church

Thanks to HelloFresh for sponsoring today's video. Go to strms.net/hell..., use my code GRENFELLJAN10, and receive 10 free meals + free breakfast for life! One breakfast item per box while subscription is active if you’re in the US. The link and code are valid in all countries and the respective local discount will apply.
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A few resources mentioned in the video:
*The CES Letter, a popular document used to deconstruct Mormonism: read.cesletter...
*The ExMormon subreddit, a great online community for anyone leaving the church: / exmormon
*My book, How to Leave the Mormon Church: shorturl.at/oDefE
*Doubt your doubts speech: www.churchofje...
*The longer version of why I left the Mormon church: • Why I Left the Mormon ...
*Baptisms for the dead explained: • Mormons Baptize the De...
*My Mormon Temple experience explained: • The Day I Realized I W...
*I hated teaching in Utah public schools: • Teaching 9th Grade in ...
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Other resources that may interest you:
*Why I left the Mormon Church: www.mormontrut...
*My Mormon endowment explained video: ( • Secret Mormon Temple C... )
*Mormon garments explained video: ( • Mormon Garments Explained )
*Every rule I followed as a Mormon: ( • Every Rule I Followed ... )
*My Mormon mission was a waste: ( • Mormon Missions Explai... )
*Complete story of my Mormon wedding: ( • Mormon Temple Weddings... )
where to find me -
*Patreon (ad free & bonus content): shorturl.at/8bpnw
*TikTok: / alyssadgrenfell
*Instagram: / alyssadgrenfell
*Blog: www.mormontrut...
*Email me: [e-mail]
support my channel -
Venmo: venmo.com/u/Al...

[@alyssadgrenfell]

Hello! If you enjoyed this video, please consider checking out my Patreon! You'll get all my content early and ad free, as well as bonus/exclusive videos only found on Patreon. 😊 Check it out here: www.patreon.com/c/alyssadgrenfell

[@Caribbeanpiratesrule]

Will you read and discuss the ces letter I'm interested in hearing it and commentary Also I'd love if you'd interview more exmormons or ex Jehovah etc it's very interesting when I see those An audience write in section would also be cool like a radios show help line Just some ideas Love your videos :)

[@quinevere]

just subscribed to the patreon! love your videos.

[@greaterportionwardmission]

Thank you so much for this video! I've learned the church lacks priesthood authority. That back shelf item is clear now, and fills those offended by the church to find healing, peace. A good friend of ours was excommunicated, and that led him to investigate how the church, or some elect men could have that much power over someone. He found the church has ZERO authority. None. Not even any powers of the priesthood. Litmus Test: If your priesthood leader or holder does not minister angels, then his priesthood power is from the god of this world. The Three Nephites administer to those with the true priesthood. If no one in the church has this experience, it is because they lack the true priesthood authority. References: D&C 84:26. Joseph Smith ministered angels such as Moroni, Peter, James and John. The church teaches their convenient 'context' of angels, however, only true priesthood holders, like Joseph Smith and Hyrum Smith, can be witnesses of God, Jesus Christ and angels, in person. If you believe that. IF you do not believe that, then that proves that the priesthood is less believable. All miracles that occur within the church also occur to muslims, to atheists, etc. Going back to back shelf items. In the back shelf, I had to find out, and this is what causes more and more men and priesthood holders to leave the church: Today, the church is unrecognizable to the one Joseph Smith stablished in 1830. Remember priesthood authority can only exist legally and lawfully, and righteously. Now then, most members are never taught that Brigham Young caused the church to be dismantled. The church legally and lawfully ceased to exist due to the Edmunds Tucker Act of 1887. Wiped out off the face of the earth. Also, another item on the shelf: NOT ONE leader ever saw Father nor the Son. Only''feeling' the Holy Ghost. Back to the history of the church: I will add to part II

[@greaterportionwardmission]

Part II No more ‘priesthood’, no more church, no more legality of the church existing: Until Heber J. Grant. The truth of all things: why Heber J. Grant? Because US congress allowed Heber J Grant to re-incorporate the church again in 1923. How so? The US banned Whiskey. The church all of a sudden had a revelation to require no alcohol consumption to be worthy of a temple recommend. Lobbysts for the non-existent church were able to convince the US to 'forgive' the church and allow it to re-incorporate. So, between 1887 and 1923, all prophets were not recognized legally nor lawfully, hence their priesthood was non-existent. The priesthood has NEVER been restored since the Smith's murders. Another back shelf item: Joseph Smith never ever laid his hands on Brigham Young to confer the priesthood, and neither did Joseph Smith give the priesthood to the original twelve apostles: these men never ever saw God nor Christ, hence the pattern was broken since. Peter, James and John and John the Baptist never gave the priesthood to anyone else since Joseph and those who had it legally and lawfully. If you are a priesthood holder, you have a priesthood which has no value here nor in God’s kingdom. What is it you have on? What's your reply? "These are the emblems of my priesthoods"! Who said that in the temple endowment? The truth of all things: Heber J Grant gained favor by enforcing the word of wisdom in int same timeframe the liquor prohibition/ban of 1920 in the US. Today’s church takes upon itself the honor of God. Today’s church leadership busies itself so not one soul shall be lost. Today’s church sells religion for money. Today’s church requires faithful attendance in order to consider a member worthy of the ‘celestial kingdom’ Today’s church says it is not enough to faithfully attend, but to also serve in the church faithfully. Today’s church says it is not enough to serve: You must labor without wages in order to keep the houses of the Lord. Your Lord and his precious and spacious buildings ban/trespass the poor, the homeless, the sick, the needy and the afflicted each passing night, prohibiting them to charge their cell phones, or to take a shower or sleep at night, or use the restrooms even, contrary to Jesus’ own commands in Matthew 25, verses 31 to 46, yes, houses of the ‘Lord’ Today’s church says it is not enough to labor for free to upkeep its buildings, but also to pay a full tithe [a levite sustaining law that was temporary, ‘storehouse’ being the tax office of the day, not to purchase prime real estate] Today’s church says tithing is not enough, pay a generous fast offering. Notice stumbling blocks after stumbling blocks? Not enough to do all that: must also save your dead through temple attendance in order to watch a movie [which Joseph Smith intended it to be a free theatrical play for others to enjoy] and do endowments, etc. Even that’s not enough; you must guesstimate who existed and make up years, etc., a stumbling block meant for you to question how all this folly happened and why. Remember Martin Harris? Besides the authority to baptize given by the laying on of hands, which was never mentioned by Christ in the Book of Mormon, Harris also questioned the assumed power to confirm the Holy Ghost upon a person. He knew there was nothing of the sort mentioned in the Book of Mormon’s account of the visitation of Christ. No one ever laid their hands on someone else and gave them the gift of the Holy Ghost. The Book of Mormon was expressly clear on how the Holy Ghost was received. The first mention of the “Holy Ghost” in the Book of Mormon is in reference to the way “the Messiah should make himself manifest unto the Gentiles” after he was crucified and resurrected. The “power of the Holy Ghost” is explained as “the gift of God unto ALL those who diligently seek him, as well in times of old as in the time that he should manifest himself unto the children of men.” The church today: Takes upon itself the Glory of God aka priesthood and Holy Ghost control to confer. The church today: Takes upon itself the Honor of God, so not one soul shall be lost. Thus began the LDS doctrine of the passing/giving/conferring the gift of the Holy Ghost. Harris knew the church could not do this, ever. There are many mentions of the “gifts of God” throughout the Book of Mormon. The men of the early LDS church envied these gifts and wanted them even to the point of lusting after them; and the gift they wanted above all was the “high gift from God.” The men of Joseph Smith's time always wanted power, authority, recognition just as the pastors of that day. Interesting the men today crave more power and more authority behind their 'meek' smiles. On to Part III

[@greaterportionwardmission]

Part III “great power given them from God” as mentioned in the Book of Mormon. It was this “gift” that both Oliver and Hyrum desired after reading about it in the Book of Mormon transcript. This motivated Joseph to coordinate the events of the “restoration of the Aaronic Priesthood,” wherein, as mentioned above, Joseph told each of them, through a “revelation from God,” that each had received his own “gift.” Because Oliver and Hyrum received their individual “gift from God,” the men who later found out about these “special gifts” each wanted their own gift too. “And because they desired it, God hath done it, that they may stumble.” Joseph continued to fulfill this mandate supporting the free will of the people. He gave the men just what they wanted. Joseph attempted many times to teach the men what the “gift of the Holy Ghost” actually meant by using the Book of Mormon as a reference guide; but the men had their own interpretation. He tried to teach them that “all these gifts come by the Spirit of Christ; and they come unto every man severally, according as he will [according to what the man desired].” He tried to teach them that the gift of the Holy Ghost could not be given by one man to another, but was only given by “the Father” or by Christ himself as a second baptism “with fire and the Holy Ghost.” Joseph taught them that any mortal who “diligently seeketh shall find; and the mysteries of God shall be unfolded unto them, by the power of the Holy Ghost, as well in these times as in times of old, and as well in times of old as in times to come; wherefore, the course of the Lord is one eternal round.” Joseph tried to teach the men that when Jesus was baptized, the Holy Ghost was given to him by the Father. And that if someone wants the same Holy Ghost Jesus received, he must be washed clean (baptized) from everything that he or she has done, has believed, and has imagined, and follow Christ in doing “the things which ye have seen me do.” He taught them that the “form of a dove” meant a “peaceful feeling” of reassurance, and that a bird is not the Holy Ghost, nor can any bird have the Holy Ghost. He explained many things concerning the Holy Ghost, including that not at any time was it ever transferred by any act or authority from one mortal to the another. The Book of Mormon is full of incidents when the people received the Holy Ghost; and none of them gives an account of a person receiving the gift from another mortal NOT ONE! The Lamanites received the “baptism with fire and with the Holy Ghost” without even knowing that they had! However, if there were stumbling blocks to be found, envying and lustful men who wanted the “power of God” would eventually find them. And that they did! The men wanted the same power that Christ gave to the Nephite apostles to “give the Holy Ghost.” The men conjured up an interpretation of an event, when, just before the resurrected Christ “ascended into heaven,” he “touched with his hand the disciples whom he had chosen, one by one, even until he had touched them all, and spake unto them as he touched them... [giving] them power to give the Holy Ghost.” Like most scripture students, the men took from the account what they desired for themselves. They forgot to keep reading about what happened after Christ left his disciples. First of all, Nephi baptized himself by immersing himself in the water. Then he baptized “all those whom Jesus had chosen.” “And it came to pass when they were all baptized and had come up out of the water, the Holy Ghost did fall upon them, and they were filled with the Holy Ghost and with fire.” Not only was it not necessary to have another person baptize you according to the example of Nephi, but also, no one has the power or the authority to give the gift of the Holy Ghost. It is an automatic result of one accepting Christ and his teachings into his or her life. “The disciples whom Jesus had chosen began from that time forth to baptize and to teach as many as did come unto them; and as many as were baptized in the name of Jesus were filled with the Holy Ghost.” The church has zero, ZERO authority to baptize, much less any power to control the Holy Ghost: Neither do they have the power to kick anyone out at all.

[@BoodMu]

I'm a bus driver in Manchester England. Two young Mormon girls got on my bus. We have a lot of young guys and girls doing their missions in Manchester. Miles away from home. I asked them if they ever question it. And they said yes. I told them about your channel. Let's hope they check it out. Because as an atheist I feel really sorry for them. Wasting their youth and life on a cult of rubbish. Let's hope they can be as free as you are one day.

[@TheCeredigionMotorcyclist]

I'm in Aberystwyth Mid wales. We are talking to missionaries and telling them all the things that are wrong with the book of mormon, I go to another church and I explained to them the difference

[@krakenfan6818]

That is amazing! That you approached the two sister missionaries and you were bold enough to ask that question. Wow.

[@phillisob]

Great job! Her channel and one n@sty Mormon user (definitely full of doubt and taking it out on strangers on exMo channels) in particular have encouraged me to start sharing the truth with missionaries rather than just letting them use our house without religious discussion. We've now had over a dozen live with us after leaving, while they get their feet on the ground. I'm happpy for every person who finds the truth and leaves.

[@fantasycustomgolfcarts8444]

That is rare. Missionaries are usually terrified to admit they are questioning the church. Whoever the first to admit it to their buddy was extremely brave and lucky that she felt the same way. If she hadn't, her buddy would have certainly told on her, essentially.

[@zah936]

Thanks

[@averagearchergaming]

I taught U.S. history for 12 years. I am also an ex-Mormon. Every year, I would say the same thing to my students: "If you read the history of the United States and never come across anything that upsets or distresses you, then you aren't reading history... you are reading propaganda." The same is doubly true about the history of religions... and triply true about the history of the Mormon church. Mad respect for that professor.

[@JMSayler]

That gave me goosebumps!

[@katiekawaii]

👏👏👏

[@sayeedkizuk5822]

Mad respect for yourself? Did you forget how you started the story? 😂

[@averagearchergaming]

@@sayeedkizuk5822 I get the feeling you didn't watch the video. Otherwise, you'd likely know exactly which professor I mean. May I recommend you go correct that first?

[@thebabythesavage]

That’s the sort of thing that a kid could internalize and carry with them forever. Right on 🤙🏽 I had a college history professor who said that he was filling the gaps left by public school education and oh boy, did he. It was a summer class so some of his lectures were recorded and I’m glad for it, there were parts that had me bawling. I knew it was bad, I’m a first-gen citizen, but holy SHITBALLS is it bad.

[@HazardGoat]

"Doubt your doubts before you doubt giving 10% of your money to us."

[@andginisin]

I remember that phrase having such a hold on me when I was leaving. Then once you look at it critically, it’s like wdym you’re literally telling me to believe just because???

[@adamstephens9043]

​@@andginisin This is exactly right. Believe just because. That was my problem. You could have this exact same sort of faith in pretty much anything. Why this in particular? Why the Mormon church? There was no answer to that.

[@cherryjuice9946]

In general, when a persons argument is nothing better than a tired cliche's, that's time to be careful of them.

[@GrandmaKnightLife]

Sounds like you are worshipping money

[@RobbieShapiro420]

@@GrandmaKnightLifei think you’re confused… the commenter is saying basically that’s what the church was saying when they said “doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith”

[@billiebluesheepie2907]

We feel so awful because we did not know. My little sister was assaulted by someone in a calling, my parents realised something was wrong and went to the bishop, who saw my sister alone and (I don’t know how to put this) did worse. Nothing was done. Eventually she told a teacher at school, who saved her. My faith evaporated with it all. Also, everyone lied about the gold plates, book of Abraham and polygamy. “Spiritual eyes” - my a***

[@ritamariekelley4077]

Trauma for everyone in the fam. Huge problem here in Utah. How is your sister doing now?

[@vonberry3660]

I hope your sister is doing well 🤍

[@tiangcat]

im so sorry for you and her. i hope your family is in a much better place ❤❤

[@AmorOfAlessi]

💙

[@mastpg]

In poker circles, there's a saying, "It's immoral to let a sucker keep his money". Sociopathic predators would seem to follow a similar tenet.

[@pennywenny01]

For me, it was overnight that I lost my faith. I had previous doubts, but then one night at things came to a head, I read the CES Letter and stayed up into the early hours of the morning just reading everything and contemplating my entire upbringing and feeling betrayed. I am so glad that I lost my faith. It has actually made me into a more loving and thoughtful person, and I also began to love myself more.

[@kropotkinnie]

so glad to hear this and i hope your life brings you only good things. it truly is far better to exist on our own kindness rather than fictional rules.

[@suml.5190]

What is the CES-Letter?

[@ultimatespidybawlz2198]

@suml.5190 it’s basically this letter that is former lds person wrote exposing all of the inconsistencies and problems of the book of Mormon and the doctrines that Joseph Smith taught

[@Silence-and-Violence]

​@suml.5190 It's a letter that a Mormon bishop wrote to a council explaining why he could no longer serve as a Bishop or even be a part of the LDS group in good faith anymore. He lists dozens of the top reasons that LDS is false and especially the falsehoods of Joseph Smith.

[@robertrosskopf4641]

Your story reminds me of the temptation of Jesus in the wilderness. Satan has all these logical reasons to mistrust God, but Jesus refuses to swallow the bait. Most of us are not as smart as Satan and not as smart as Jesus. Jesus promised the Samaritan women a never ending supply of fresh water, such that she need never thrist again. He was referring to the Holy Ghost. Those who have experienced the Holy Ghost are slightly less blind than those who haven't. Those who haven't received it are going to be skeptical. As for myself, I have found a spirit I trust.

[@debrawallace4542]

I didn't grow up in the church. I joined when I was 23. After I joined, my parents did, and so did my older sister. After 40+ years, I left. My husband did not leave. He still attends. Leaving was a complete shock to me. I wondered about some things, but I felt such a strong love for the church that the night before I left, I would have promised you that I would never leave. So why did I? It was right before we went back to church after the covid shut down. I heard my husband on the phone tell someone that no, his parents weren't members because his mother hated the priesthood ban on black men. So she wouldn't even allow the missionaries in the house. That got me curious about the ban. I joined the church in 78, so it was after the ban was lifted, and no one talked about it anymore. I went to the church website and looked it up. I got some church magazine articles to read. Reading those I found out the ban was instituted during Brigham Young's time. That it lasted through 10 or 11 prophets, I think it was about 110 years. That's all I read. I didn't need any more. I suddenly knew that there was no way those men were prophets because God never would have let his church do that! Not for that long! There is no way he wouldn't have pulled one of those prophets aside and told him to knock it off! Because God would never create His children just to condemn them! Of that, I was certain! Suddenly, I knew the church and its gospel were all wrong. All fake!! I got off my bed and went and told my husband what I had discovered, expecting him to see what I saw. But he didn't! My husband is okay with it. He doesn't nag at me, and I don't run to tell him every time I discover something. He has to decide he wants to know, I can't decide that for him. Out of our 8 children that were all raised in the church, 0 still attend. Ididn'tt do that to the. They all stopped going years before I did. Where am I now? I'll be 70 in March. My husband still goes to church, I don't, and that's okay. He pays his tithing on his social security check and pensions, and I do not donate mine to the church. I do try to bless others with it, though. I sometimes use it to buy yarn to make warm clothing and blankets for the homeless. Sometimes I give it to homeless people on the street or to a special school program at a grandchilds school, etc. My garments I took off and put them all in grocery bags and threw them in the garbage. I thought about doing it the "proper" way but quickly decided that anything worn like underwear didn't really deserve anything special. I was a temple worker, so I also took my temple clothing and threw it all out. I also forbid my husband from burying me in temple clothing if I died before him. I don't know if God is real. I think I tend to believe he isn't. I'm just afraid to admit it. I was raised Episcopalian, and sometimes I go to church there. My aunt and uncle are 88 and they like it when I join them there. I can tolerate the Episcopalian church because they are rather liberal accepting women and the LGBTQ+ to hold all positions at church. I've even had a transgender priest there. No one cares, but it is the reason the church has lost so many members. I drink coffee and enjoy every drop. I support my husband still being in the church, and he supports me not being in it. We have a good life together, enjoying our children and 15 grandchildren. We also support eachothers hobbies even when they get a little expensive. Since leaving the church, I can honestly say that I'm happier than I have have ever been!

[@ritamariekelley4077]

You're doing what's important. We've got to tale care of each other, especially now.

[@Lurklen]

Good for you! This sounds like it was a huge change, and you've handled it with such grace and kindness. Thanks for sharing, and I'm glad you're still doing your part to spread kindness and goodness in the world. In many ways I hope God exists, and believe some version of that being is real (if a bit beyond our mortal comprehension). But I think we don't *need* him to exist to do good. We just have to decide that good is worth doing. People like you prove that what matters is what's in your heart, and what good you try to put into the world. Not what faith you adhere to, or what underwear you've got on, lol. Enjoy your coffee, every happy cup, and take care out there!

[@lanasinapayen3354]

As a black person, I am glad that your recognizing our humanity was enough to make you break with the church on the spot.

[@pumpuppthevolume]

15 grandkids 👀

[@PookiePukeko]

Thank you for sharing your story

[@johnjones_1501]

I found that whenever I buy a lottery ticket, that night, I will start fantasizing about what I am going to do if I win, and I start feeling like I am going to win, and I just get this really good feeling as if I am going to win, which feels exactly like what the holy ghost used to feel like when it told me the church was true. Of course I never win, and I know it is just a feeling. However, I have a theory that the reason so many religions frown on things like gambling, sex, ext, is because that can create intense emotional feeling feel just like the emotional feelings that religions try to evoke in you doing religious services, and they don't want you to figure out that it is just a normal emotional experience and not magic.

[@eh1702]

I read another comment today on another video that raised the idea that there is a lot of shared psychology between people who are gamblers and those who are gung-ho religionists.

[@stargateproductions]

That's a interesting theory. :)

[@evelien135]

That’s why so many people, after recovering from an addiction throw themselves hardcore into a religion, sport or diet. They need something to hold on to. I also think that so many Europeans are so into astrology and other new age spirituality because they don’t have the Christian church telling them what to do and believe anymore.

[@oooh19]

I was thinking maybe bc activities like gambling 🎰 or sex etc can become addictions that can get out of control also they don’t want premarital sex as it can lead to unplanned pregnancy or STDs

[@pepperthebanana]

@@oooh19 many things can be true at once

[@MsMadmax1]

I married into a devoutly Mormon family (my husband is NOT an active member and never will be). This Bishop who agreed to officiate at our backyard wedding gifted us with the BOM, D&C and The Pearl of Great Price. He made me promise to read all three books and pray for God to give me a testimony. My husband was in the military and our first year of marriage, he was deployed for 8 months so I took the opportunity to read the BOM due to all the free time I had. After reading it as instructed, I remember thinking, "I can't believe I considered joining the LDS church." I found so many inconsistent statements, plagiarized portions taken from other authors of the day as well as the Bible and Shakespeare. Parts of it directly contradicted the Bible and had God changing His mind about what was a sin and what wasn't. I thought it was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever read. When my sister-in-law left the LDS church, I asked her what changed her mind. Basically, it boiled down to the church not being transparent about everything they believed about God, Jesus and Satan. It also seems pretty slanted towards men getting all the say--getting elevated to the status of god and being given a planet of their own with as many wives as they want. It was all too silly for me.

[@mairihonickman1948]

WOW. Your story is wild. I’d genuinely love to hear more about your observations of the Mormon church being adjacent to it, but decidedly not IN it.

[@YallAintRight]

I love that you kept your word but also saw it for what it is.

[@twottj]

You should read the Bible with the same level of scrutiny, you'll find a lot of inconsistencies and contradictions

[@neonwired4978]

@@twottj but not the laughable anachronisms that are in the book of mormon

[@elizafrancesz]

I just found your channel a few days ago, and I’ve been binge-watching your videos ever since. I have no connection to the Mormon church, but I did grow up Catholic and had similar feelings/struggles as a young adult when I became agnostic. Thank you for sharing your experiences with the world. It’s been eye-opening, to say the least.

[@alyssadgrenfell]

It's so interesting that leaving one religion has a lot of ties to other people's experiences in leaving other religions. I often find a lot of commonality in hearing stories from people leaving any religion, especially high demand/cultish religions. Thanks for commenting and I hope you enjoy the video!

[@Etothe2iPi]

Being agnostic just means you don't know if there is a god. So, every honest person should be agnostic, because there is no way to know. Of course, you can still believe in the absence of sufficient evidence, but that's kind of dishonest. If you're agnostic and don't believe, you should have the courage to say that you're an atheist. I'm an agnostic atheist, because in my long life I have never experienced anything supernatural in any way.

[@jansenncuber8009]

@@Etothe2iPithere’s a difference in believing but admitting you don’t know for sure, and not believing and admitting you don’t know for sure.

[@genevievepavlak5803]

​@Etothe2iPi I think you're kind of confused on the terms agnostic and atheist. Agnostic just means that you don't follow any particular religion, and you don't necessarily believe in a God, but you don't say that there isn't you don't know if there is. But being an atheist is you don't follow any religion and you do not believe in God, you don't believe that a God exists. To say you're an agnostic atheist just doesn't make sense

[@harlanurwiler7146]

@@Etothe2iPi Why does supernatural reality depend upon "you" experiencing it? You've never been to the other side of the universe... so maybe it doesn't exist either? Your logic is based on postmodern delusion. 😂😂😂

[@sparky32811]

I grew up Mormon, too, and I am also now an atheist. I never really had a, for lack of a better term, "come to Jesus" moment where my faith disappeared, but I have some notable things I haven't really talked about before, so I want to throw them into the void here. For context, my mom wholeheartedly believed in the church after converting in her late teens; she leaned heavily on her faith during the diagnosis and onset of a chronic illness, and she still attends church. Dad was raised as a member and had some struggles with his faith, but he kept them to himself, mostly I only knew about it because he'd look relieved on the Sundays we decided to stay home haha. My siblings and I were raised in the church. I remember being sealed to my parents when I was little and I was baptized when I turned eight. I was a first or second counselor for all of young women's, graduated seminary my senior year, and went to BYUI until I met my husband and dropped out after getting married. I fought for my faith for years. I *wanted* to believe; I was frustrated that I didn't feel anything when everyone else said they did. I thought for sure I was the problem, that something was wrong with me. From the time I was 14 until I was 18, I threw myself into the church. I still have my scriptures from that time and you can barely read them for all the notes and highlighting and asterisks covering them. The covers are filled with notes, and there are folded pieces of paper and gum wrappers with insights shoved into both books enough that they barely fit in my scripture bag. I wanted to be Mormon so, so badly. I even considered serving a mission, but I put it off for a while until I was sure I could handle it, because again, I didn't feel anything when I prayed. I wanted to, so I prayed constantly, but I never felt that warmth people described, so I thought maybe I'd be unable to receive proper revelation on my mission. I wanted to wait until I was more confident in my faith. After high school, I went to BYUI. Man, if I thought I was struggling before, that was nothing compared to being in an unfamiliar place, alone except for a bunch of roommates who seemed to be all in on the church and my own dwindling, sputtering flame of faith. I felt so small and alone in this sea of people with their strong testimonies. I got to attend an event (can't remember the terminology, but the blessing of a temple, with handkerchiefs and shouts and stuff) and I felt so freaking stupid. People were crying and talking about the strength of the spirit, and I just felt absolutely empty and completely foolish. It was hard looking around, wanting so badly to feel the spirit, and feeling an empty space where I knew warmth should be, and feeling a sense of shame I thought was entirely blasphemous. Getting my endowment was so difficult. I went in deeply hopeful because I'd heard about how amazing the temple was, and once I was doing the actual ceremony itself, I was like "wow... I think I hate this." My temple marriage was a few days later, and as I knelt there over the altar holding hands with my husband, I looked into his eyes and when I was told I should feel the spirit, all I felt was love for him. My husband is a wonderful, kind, amazing man who supports and loves me no matter what. He's the most unbothered Mormon I've ever met. His genuine belief is that whatever my faith is, it's between me and God, and he has supported me through leaving the church and stood up to me to religious leaders. He's genuinely so wonderful and I'm so grateful for him. When I was twenty-one, a year into my marriage and another year into desperately wanting, I attended the temple one final time. I knelt in the celestial room and I prayed. I prayed so hard I made myself sick. I cried so much my eyes puffed up for *days*. On my knees, in the holiest room I knew of, I begged God. For something -- for anything. Any emotion, any warmth, any feeling that he was there. And I got silence. I left the temple hollow and scared, and I haven't set foot in a church on Sunday since. My husband has supported me and his love for me hasn't changed at all, even though I long ago got rid of my garments (the right way, of course, just in case) and put away my scriptures. I've been inactive since. I am too scared to remove my name from the church's records, because maybe someday I'll feel something, but part of me has entirely given up. I'm now almost thirty. I've prayed over the years, gone to sit on temple grounds, even tried to attend church a few times, never made it past the parking lot. Nothing. Just a great, aching, sad void where God should be. I tell my mom I'm agnostic because it soothes her, but in reality, I don't see how God can exist. I don't think I want him to anymore. Not just for me, but for everyone, because a God this inactive, this cruel or powerless, is not one I want to worship. The more I've learned about the church, the more glad I am that I never felt anything, because I just don't see how it could be true. It hurts like hell sometimes to remember how badly I wanted to believe and found nothing, but sometimes I'm glad for it. I never had to feel the heartbreak of what I believed contradicting what I knew. I never believed, I just longed to.

[@StevenBanks123]

Wow. Strong stuff. Thanks.

[@elguapo2831]

Either human intelligence ultimately owes its origin to mindless matter; or there is a Creator. It is strange that some people claim that it is their intelligence that leads them to prefer the first to the second.

[@chrisel4839]

​@@elguapo2831 I know right! And it's wild that other people's fears lead them to prefer the second over the first.

[@dianacryer]

Raised in a different faith but never felt anything either. I also really really tried to believe, but just couldn’t. We raised our kids in the church for the first 5 years of their life. One day after she had gone to Sunday school she asked us: If God made everything, who made God and who made “the guy”who made God? She was 4. Shes 24 now and not a believer. It’s not just you who doesn’t get “a burning in the bosom.” A lot of people think it’s just them, it’s not.

[@michelep.7249]

I recommend reading Do What You Are by Paul Tieger. It talks about different personalities. Some personalities are more likely to be atheists.

[@kathyscrazylife]

I majored in secondary education and began to teach Algebra 1A to high schoolers. When you said the students were mean to you, it rang so true to my experience. I hated everyday. I asked the other teachers how I could stop and they said I would never be released from my contract. I ended up severely depressed and so stressed. I finally got my doctor to write me a work excuse for a month. I never went back. I opened a tutoring center where I worked one on one with one student. I liked that.

[@RobertPrestridge-dp8zl]

I could never be a teacher; I feel for what you had to go through. You wanted to make a difference, but it didn't work out, at least at that level. You made a difference in a way better for you; congrats, and be empowered.

[@karacoconutag]

That's so valid, my mom and my aunt both had the same experience where they worked as teachers, it was absolutely unbearable, and they pivoted to working one-on-one. Teachers deserve so much more than they're getting right now and I don't blame a single person for leaving, I could never manage it.

[@raysalmon6566]

I tutored many math students in Hawaii... It was very rewarding.. I would never want a classroom environment

[@alicia_elle47]

My shelf broke when I went back to church after having to remove my fallopian tubes. I have wanted children my entire life but I had cancer as a child that fucked shit up inside my body and then I got diagnosed with POTS. I realized that not being able to have children or even adopt, I no longer belonged there or even on Mutual. I was damaged goods because I can’t have children. I have since found a man of a different faith that I really like. It’s too soon to tell but he doesn’t want kids, just pets. The Joseph Smith stuff broke my heart. I only go for Christmas and that’s it (my mom sings and sometimes I do too) . I still believe in God and Jesus. I’m just a Christian though, no label. I have not read the CES letter.

[@bsanders1]

CES letter is a good read mostly because I had already known most of it before reading it.

[@DanSmith-j8y]

How can you still believe in God and Jesus? That's hilarious.

[@bramstokerfan]

Leave her alone. Wtf.​@@DanSmith-j8y

[@DanSmith-j8y]

@ Why should I?

[@The1andonly-b9l]

@@DanSmith-j8y Mormonism and Christianity are two completely different religions that share almost nothing in common. Just because Mormonism acknowledges Jesus doesn't mean anything. Seriously dude, Muslims believe in Jesus, and Islam is nothing like Christianity. Thank God she left Mormonism, but Christianity is a completely different religion. Christianity is belief in the teachings of a remarkable man who lived over 2000 years ago , and his teachings still are relevant today. Mormonism is a bizarre and nonsensical religion that some random dude named John Smith made up out of thin air about 200 years ago for personal gain. I mean he claimed an angel named Moroni gave him golden tablets with all of his Revelation inscribed on them, which he then claimed he lost. Stop hating on this poor woman and actually learn what Christianity teaches.

[@LockeDemosthenes2]

I stopped beleiving in the church when I was 16, but didn't leave until I was 25. I went through the motions just to fit in with my family and community, and I even went to school at BYU Idaho. At times I was able to sort of half believe it through mental gymnastics and cognitive dissonance, but deep down I knew it wasn't true. Life became significantly easier and better for me when I finally left. I was essentially lying to myself and putting up an act for nearly a decade, which is extremely emotionally exhausting. I lost some friends and lost contact with a few family members when I eventually left, but that's probably for the best. If those people only care about me if I belong to the same cult they do, they obviously never really cared about me.

[@dianacryer]

Nobody needs conditional relationships. They aren’t real to begin with.

[@becsterbrisbane6275]

Whoa, that's really long time to still stay despite no longer believing! How did you stay sane doing it?

[@LockeDemosthenes2]

​@@becsterbrisbane6275I didn't. I had two major mental breakdowns, one when I was 18 and one when I was 23.

[@MingusDew_Bebop]

They are all going through the motions. Every Christian on earth is a phoney. Christians don't believe their soul is at risk of eternal flames. They'd teach their kids Hebrew Koine and Aramaic if they truly thought the Bible had the secret info to prevent their eternal pain.

[@LockeDemosthenes2]

​@@becsterbrisbane6275part of the problem was that I basically knew nobody outside of the church. My family were all still super active in the church same with my entire friend group and even most coworkers at every job I had. My Wife was also active in the church and we had a child together. Leaving wasn't exactly simple, even though I knew the church couldn't possibly be true. I tried to rationalize it in my head by saying "it may not be literally true, but it still teaches good morals and values and is a good place to raise a family". That idea came crashing down when the church said that children of same sex couples could not be baptized into the church due to the "sin" of their parents until they turn 18 and denounce their parents "lifestyle". Even though the church quickly packpeddled from that policy due to public backlash, that was the last straw for me.

[@nicoleandtime]

When I was going through confirmation in the methodist church I was on a pendulum of doubt and existential crises. My pastor at the time told me that my doubts were a good thing, that they meant I was asking important questions, and that wherever those answers took me, my faith journey would be my own. I'm not really Christian anymore, more Buddhist and vaguely spiritual, but I still go back to that church. I still feel safe there. I still love and am loved by people there. I can still bring my concerns about issues in the community and in my own heart and have open and honest dialogue with these people. I thank my open minded and loving pastor for that. Even though the ins and outs of the faith weren't for me, I am still welcome as my whole self. To me that is the hallmark of a healthy community (of faith or otherwise).

[@ritamariekelley4077]

Yours was a healthy church. So glad you experienced that true love and acceptance.

[@juliesiefke1173]

There are some Christians who have found that studying Buddhism enhances their understanding of Jesus. The Bible is actually a product of Eastern thought & culture, not Western/European. (Lapsed Catholic who loves the story of Kuan Yin.)

[@LaineyBug2020]

Your testimony story had me in tears. The feeling of being lost and asking for honest help, and then the betrayal of them ignoring you. The isolation you must have felt and realized was coming your way in that moment. I'm sorry you had to face that alone in that moment.

[@thetiredboy6607]

I’m not LDS and I never have been, but I love your content. You’re so well-spoken and insightful. Thank you for sharing your story with the world.

[@emilygrow4060]

Prayers for me, still have 2 years left at BYU to get my degree and get out 😬💀

[@eubutuoy]

😂😂😂

[@ccharles848]

Can you transfer out? Start new as soon as possible? Hang in there. 💕

[@viosavvy]

Good luck! That's a tough situation to be in. I started becoming inactive my last year of my degree and was questioning a lot. But TWO years is a long time to go along with the charade just to finish your education. Now many years later, I kind of feel shame about having BYU on my resume and I wonder too if it has cost me job opportunities. Keep in mind, most of the country has viewpoints that are contrary to Mormonism. It doesn't exactly play in our favor to have a degree from these institutions. I say all this just for you to consider. You may wish years later that you transferred and finished your program elsewhere.

[@fugithegreat]

Sorry you're in that situation! I was looking for a good MA in teaching English as a second language and two schools' programs stood out: BYU and Gonzaga. BYU would have cost me much less and been much closer to my family, but there was no way I would ever subject myself to that. Gonzaga and Washington it was. 😂

[@becca1147]

You got this 💗✊️

[@SamaraYelle]

I grew up IFB not Mormon, but I remember the pastor talking about how he was disappointed that a "lesbian witch" had been allowed to adopt a child. Problem was that I had a friend being brought up in the foster system and hoping for an adoption. He didn't say the congregation should open their homes or he and his wife would do so, he just cared more about the child not going to a home he approved of than them getting one at all. I was about 13, so it was quite a while before I could officially leave.

[@malenaoliveira6549]

It still amazes me that you were so alienated from your own thoughts, wants and feelings that you perceived your strong desire to serve your mission in italy as a revelation.

[@hikarisontheirlaststraw]

Same 😭😭 That was the most shocking part

[@MenkoDany]

Imagine an alternate universe where the church sent her to italy and she was a TBM KZbinr

[@invertedangel]

Alternate Universe where she went renegade against the church and went to Italy anyways and continued to be Mormon? Kidding of course. She is clearly far too intelligent to believe Mormonism

[@ann-gt4hh]

Oh..When you say it like that... Oh.

[@shadamyandsonamylover]

I grew up Catholic for the most part, and one of the big things they always taught was “is the feeling from God, yourself, or Satan?” I grew so worried cuz I could never tell what was who and I just began to doubt anything and everything, because what if it wasnt from God and I was just being led astray? I still have trouble tapping into my own feelings as an adult, despite leaving the church.

[@georgeeads8689]

I can understand. I served a mission and was devoted. I was married in the temple. It was actually my mission that began my journey away from the church. It took another 17 years to finally leave. I am glad to hear you had others to talk to. I have never been able to talk to anyone.

[@christinaxtina746]

Your channel is so fascinating to me. I’m not a mormon, but I love to learn about all of these religious/cultural/historical topics from you. Your videos are well organized, cited, and presented. Love the mix you use of your personal stories to illustrate the overarching topics. Thanks for sharing and being online!

[@ihtibas_ilharary]

In case if anyone if curious about how missions are decided, there’s an algorithm that they use. It weighs factors like which missions need missionaries, when you marked as your availability date, any foreign language experience, and also ancestry like if you have family way back from Germany or Korea etc, you may get sent there as well. Also, there’s a little box for the stake president when he interviews you if he thinks there’s a specific place you should go. You see this play out with some Mormon royalty where sometimes prominent families in the church get to go to places in Europe or wherever they like. Not always, but I’ve seen it multiple times. My stake president went to France and surprise both his children went to France too! A classmate of mine at BYU went to Japan just like his dad and grandpa, what a miracle! Also, if you’re an attractive sister missionary it’s common to be sent to the visitor’s center in temple square. Not always, but it’s pretty common.

[@AmorOfAlessi]

Whoa. That’s a lot!

[@PatrolBoat-Riverine-Streetgang]

Pretty damning stuff.

[@kittylemew]

Thank you for shining light on this. The truth is purifying.

[@jjs7721]

Which families would be considered Mormon royalty? We had some Mormons in my town here in England (we have a small LDS church) and I always think, how have you ended up here of all spaces?

[@michaelfisher7170]

@@jjs7721 in any of the smaller towns in the corridor or to the south, in southern Arizona and southwest New Mexico, the "royalty" is largely local, composed of descendents of the earliest families who founded the place. They're usually ranchers or cotton farmers in the Gila Valley. Of course anyone who's geneology includes people who actually participated in following Young to Salt Lake in the 1840's is "royalty", particularly if they were successful as businessmen. Smith, Richards, Marriott, Huntsman, Sorenson, Sant, and Huber. There are a lot of others.

[@pokeyprint]

i grew up extremely catholic, church every sunday, observing EVERY holiday, went to PSR as long as i could remember. i remember in my catholic confirmation classes (i was getting confirmed later in 10th grade rather than 8th bc that’s how my church did it) they had this q&a session where you could anonymously ask priests questions. i asked if being gay was a sin (it was 2016 i think, around the time gay marriage was legalized) and the priest said yes. as a queer kid, my heart just broke into a million pieces. i felt my stomach hit the floor. i felt so instantly sick and terrified for myself, but that was definitely my shelf breaking moment. my mother’s was when a new priest to our church gave a sermon on how women were less then men and meant to be homemakers. after covid, we never went back

[@pokeyprint]

also, i did end up getting confirmed, but i felt so awkward about it and carried that guilt for being gay for a long time after!

[@ruthspanos2532]

It was the patriarchal stuff that made me stop believing in Catholicism. I couldn’t believe in a God that said I was less than a man due to my gender.

[@icarlsw34]

Sorry for your bad experience with that priest. As a Catholic I have always been taught that just being gay is not considered a sin in the same way that say having an inclination to commit adultery is not a sin. It's only if one acts on that inclination and commits adultery Then it becomes sin. Or even to lust after another man's wife as Jesus said then it becomes sin. So yeah if someone is gay meaning they have a same sex attraction then it would be like a temptation for them but not necessarily a sin. Unless they acted on that inclination to do something sinful. You might want to check out the courage apostolate for more info.

[@icarlsw34]

Also, as far as women being less than men. There is no such teaching. However, there are some Catholics who do think that women should be home with the kids. This is a matter of opinion though that Catholics can disagree on.

[@JB-sb3mk]

Do you really think this comment is helpful or loving? Do you think this is a loving response to gay people? That they think “Oh boy yippee it’s fine I just don’t get to fall in love or have a relationship or intimacy with another person? God loves me as long as I told experience sex or connection.” That is not better than being told being gay is a sin. Being told if you act on being gay you’re sinning- I really don’t understand what the difference is. They are both hateful and aiming to minimize the life of the person. To the original poster- your queerness is not a sin, because sin is not real. Figure out your value system and live with a code or goodness and honor and kindness, and fall in love and act on it. You can do all these things without religion or within in, you will be fine. Good luck.

[@Persephone_Falasteen]

I'm not Mormon, but was raised in a strict Christian household where we too were encouraged to "listen to God" and let that feeling that you describe right at the beginning of your video dictate your life. I also found myself in a field that did not suit my personality, and also found myself in turmoil and self-doubt leading to SH. I've left the church for 11 years now and haven't looked back, and it's great to hear other people experience the same thing and come out happy on the other side ❤

[@catacombkid1985]

Mine was in the temple during the washing and anointing. I was completely dissociated after that during the temple ceremony. The only other time I went to the temple was for my brother's wedding. I threw away my garments later that day

[@catacombkid1985]

Soon as that temple worker touched the crease of my leg and groin I was just like, "oh this is 100% bullshit. No way God would require this. Dumb as hell"

[@alyssadgrenfell]

Wow, I wish I would've gone with my gut and done the same as you. Instead I dug in harder :/ Glad we're both out!

[@catacombkid1985]

​@@alyssadgrenfellanytime you get out is the right time. It's not necessarily about strength as far as how long it takes For me my brain just broke. I dissociated so heavily because I was fighting just screaming until my throat was bloody So after that it wasn't a choice or anything I just couldn't. In 2023 I got in a really bad car accident and went into shock from shattering my ankle and that felt similar to the temple experience

[@kurt666morris]

I reluctantly served my Mission in 1981 after going through the Temple. I felt I owed it to my family and my church ward. Kind of like mandatory military service. You do it and than are free to get on with your life. ....The Temple Ceremony was traumatic for me. I hated the blood oaths where you simulate slashing your own throat. I felt cult leader Charles Manson had hijacked what was supposed to be a spiritual ceremony.

[@catacombkid1985]

@@kurt666morris I couldn't imagine. I went in 2004 so the blood oath was long gone but it's still bad. Happy you got out

[@UnicornInvasion97]

When we were growing up I remember my mom helping us get ready to bare our testimony for the first time. She would whisper in our ear “I’d like to bear my testimony, I know this church is true” in the pews, and we’d get up and repeat what she said. I never had my own testimony, so distancing from the church was simple for me.

[@janetbucknell592]

To "bare" something is to uncover it. To "bear" means to hold up, support, to have as an identity or characteristic, or to give (as in "to give a testimony").

[@DS-ub1jm]

@@janetbucknell592 This is a decidedly unnecessary comment that adds nothing to the overall conversation.Do you just search through KZbin comment sections to correct grammar in your free time? Congrats on being the world’s most insufferable English teacher, you seem fun to be around.

[@UnicornInvasion97]

@ thank you :) I changed it.

[@CanadianChick811]

That preisthood blessing thing is a HELLVA way for a parent to tell a child what to do in school.

[@mrbill2600]

The problem is that as a parent if you are raised to believe you have the power of divine revelation and direction, although misguided, you will exercise that power.

[@charlie_the_child622]

About a year before COVID, I went to church one day. That day was my worst experience with the church that I can remember. It was in sacrament meeting, and someone was talking. I don't remember who or what they were talking about. All I remember was a feeling of horrible anxiety and panic. I couldn't stay in the meeting any longer. I asked my parents if I could go to the bathroom, and I went there and cried. I couldn't stop crying. The feeling was so horrible. I was having the worst panic attack of my life. Any time I calmed down, I tried to go to class. I couldn't make it three steps out of the bathroom without bursting into tears again and needing to go back inside. I felt so horrible, and on top of that, I felt ashamed that I couldn't go to the meeting. I wasn't even a teenager yet, so there was no way I could drive myself home. I just sat in the bathroom, hiding for the rest of church. I tried going back a couple times after that. I always felt horrible. I felt sick. I couldn't read the Bible or the Book of Mormon without feeling sick. I couldn't listen to general conference without feeling sick. I struck a deal with my parents and was allowed to stay home with my dad on Sundays instead of going to church. Mind you, I still believed in the church wholeheartedly at the time. I believed for years after I stopped going. That didn't get rid of the sick feeling. Now I think that believing only made the sick feeling worse. About 2-3 years later, I started watching ex-jahova's witness content. Because of that, KZbin decided to recommend me a video on why someone decided to leave the Mormon church. Curious, I decided to click on it. I guess I had a lot of things on my shelf at the time, and I wanted to see what this person had to say. I wanted to see if I could refute his arguments, just as I had practiced with my sister and mom before. But the video wasn't about convincing others to leave the Mormon church. It wasn't about citing facts about why the Mormon church was wrong. It was just someone talking about them having an epiphany saying that the church wasn't true. Just them having a feeling. After they had spent their entire life dedicated to the church, that feeling that it was true just vanished. I think to a Mormon who didn't have my experiences, they could've just turned a blind eye, or maybe scoffed at him for talking bad about the church. But I had recently developed critical thinking skills, so I decided to sit back and think logically about the church. They claimed that the big evidence why they are the one true church was because when you read the book of Mormon and pray to God, you'll get a good feeling about it being true. Mormons build their faith on feelings. But I hadn't had that feeling in a long time. The church actively made me feel worse. And here this guy was, saying that even when he did all the right things, he still stopped getting that feelings. The main thought I talk about having when I truly lost my faith was "Muslims, Christians, Baptists, Catholics, and all these other people get the same feeling Mormons got when they did their church was true. What makes the Mormon's feeling of God real, while all the others aren't?" I asked my mom, but I never really got a satisfying answer. That was basically the thing that broke my shelf. It's funny. I didn't even know about all the bad stuff Joseph Smith did. I didn't know anything about the CES letter. I defeated the Mormon church with critical thinking when I was in middle school. But that didn't really get rid of the sick feeling. It made it better, strangely, but it didn't go away. The sick feeling only really went away when I started learning about the bad things the Joseph Smith did, and the bad things the church taught. That's hilarious to me. The sick feeling went away when I learned more about how bad the church was. You actually helped me get rid of the sick feeling. I can now be around the church and hear my mom talking about the church without feeling sick or anxious. I'm still not sure why the sick feeling started, or why the panic attack happened when it did. But I'm glad I was able to get out. And I'm glad you helped me get rid of the sick feeling.

[@michelefoucault918]

OMF! You’re smiling in both photos, but (😬should that be LDS, I don’t want to offend you. But using LDS euphemism. Do I need to spell all out, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, oof, that’s a bit of a mouthful)… I gotta stop thinking too much… cut to the chase, you smiling in bit pictures, that twinkle and so spark in your eye have just vanished. Keep it up, if anything, this might be called your real mission.

[@fiamedknuff]

I remember Jeremy asking us to give feedback on a letter he was writing to a CES director. I never imagined it would have such a large impact.

[@Bigbluedome]

Oh you were in that Facebook group? I would love some info on this topic, Jeremy writing and specifically getting feedback on the letter. I left the church and love the CES letter, but my brother is still in. He says he heard Jeremy is a liar and is not a genuine seeker of truth because he composed the letter to set out to hurt the church and he meticulously composed the letter with other people’s help to do that. Sorry a lot but a more inside source that I could show my brother would be great!

[@fiamedknuff]

@@Bigbluedome It happened way back in 2013. Jeremy posted that he had been in contact with a CES director to discuss his concerns with the BOM and the church. He had compiled information about a number of issues he wanted to bring up and he asked us to give feedback and bring up anything that he had missed. He was initially doing it for personal reasons and there was no intent to make it public. However, as the CES Letter became a reality more and more of the people in the group asked permission to share it with their spouse, family, and friends. As there was positive feedback from people reading the letter he decided to make it public. I want to make it clear that he didn't set out to destroy the church by compiling the letter. He simply wanted answers.

[@Bigbluedome]

@ gotcha. I had heard someone in the group leaked it without his consent. But he chose to make it public on his own then. Gotcha. Thank you very much!

[@ritamariekelley4077]

That letter, what a brilliant piece of logic and a real bomb--truth bomb.

[@bgroesser]

That was a wild time in that group. It accelerated so much.

[@melbaker9495]

When I was 14 I was reading a science fiction book and remember looking up from the page and thinking, "woh, there are a lot of ways to think about the world." That began my unraveling from "the church." I did have a powerful sense of spirituality and I realized in the coming years that religion was just the culture around one person's vision and that I could seek that myself. So, I still believe in a divine reality, but recognize that no religion can contain it. By age 22 I went through my Bishop's court and had myself excommunicated. It was very healing. For the next decade when people learned I was from Utah they would ask if I was a Mormon and I'd just say "no." Now I know that I have that cultural heritage, but that the church has never had a hold on my soul.

[@detectivekornfed]

Way to go! Perhaps you'd be comfortable now as responding to inquiries of whether you're Mormon by saying, with a smile, "I'm Mormon Emeritus." This means you've graduated. 🎓 😀

[@melbaker9495]

@@detectivekornfed I'm very emeritus! That life and world view is so far in my past that it almost feels like another life.

[@detectivekornfed]

@@melbaker9495 I understand! I'm happy for you! 🙂

[@someowl1281]

I come from a highly religious family, and I also was brought up super religious, although catholic, not mormon. “Normal” catholic and super religious catholic is not the same, our family would perceive eating meat and sweets on Fridays and doing homework on Sundays as a sin, participating in Halloween in any shape or form playing jolly music or celebrating anything except like birthdays during advent or lent too, skipping church was also unimaginable, we would find some and go to mass there even when we were on a trip in a foreign country, even if we didn’t even understand the language, and many other things. Although your experiences are different, I still notice some similarities or parallels, and I am still a teenager, basically all old(er) people in my life believe in Jesus, and regularly listening to an adult person talk about things like that from a POV that I relate to really helps feeling more grounded and stable in my beliefs. Thank you!

[@bman5257]

This is really painful for me to read because I’m a believing and practicing Catholic and almost none of the things you listed are sins. In the US one is only required to abstain from meat on the Fridays of Lent. I celebrate Halloween. There’s nothing wrong with playing happy music on any day of the year, yes Lent should be a penitential season, but you should choose an appropriate penance out of love and spiritual growth not rigid and frankly arbitrary rules like no happy music. It’s true that you should go to Mass every Sunday and you should avoid unnecessary servile work that day, but that’s about it from what you said that are actual requirements. I’m sorry that you didn’t have a good experience.

[@MingusDew_Bebop]

I'm more concerned with the fact that multiple of your Popes are documented pedophiles, yet the world still pretends religion isn't an organized pedophile star cult.

[@CL_Wilson]

When I look back over the 50+ years of my life in the church, I can clearly see that were cracks developing in my shelf from my even my young teens. Many deep cracks developed during COVID when 2 of my kids lost their faith. But I kept holding on. Eventually I found myself spiraling down the Exmo KZbin rabbit hole. I was still hanging on to hope, but just barely because nothing made sense to me anymore. I will never forget the exact moment standing in my kitchen when I heard Bill Reel say on his podcast these words: "Maybe the reason why nothing makes sense is because it's just not true." I knew in that moment that I could never un-see or un-learn what I now knew about the church. That shelf came tumbling down.

[@herecomesmaud]

It was such a slow creep but during teenage years, not being able to do normal teenage things I saw other people do, feeling controlled with how I dressed and acted was definitely the start. The amount of guilt being around friends who drank or smoked and wanting to try it out but feeling so bad I even had the desire to. I could do and say all the right things but I didn't really feel them. It's like the testimony thing, I knew all the right phrases, could fake something convincing but it wasn't true. It took moving out of my homestate and living on my own, before I never set foot in another chapel, talked how I wanted, drank coffee, but still feel the church haunts me. It sucks but I'm never truly free. Got my final resignation notification recently which has been bittersweet

[@hefeweizen9475]

I was raised as a conservative Lutheran, but I credit a devout Mormon with starting me on the path to deconversion and eventually to atheism. I was in eighth grade, attending confirmation class, and a firm believer. His family moved into my neighborhood and I became friends with him and his sister. (They were the first Mormons I'd ever met. They invited me to family home evening once, an experience which freaked me out, lol. But that's another story.) He and I liked to argue for fun, and our religious differences were one of our favorite topics. I was picking apart his faith pretty effectively and feeling smug about it until one day I realized that many of my attacks on his Mormonism could be applied equally to my own Lutheranism. It was a shock, and it taught me that I needed to question my own beliefs as aggressively as I would anyone else's. I'm sure I would have deconverted eventually anyway, but McKay (named after LDS President David O. McKay) inadvertently jump-started the process. I'm grateful to him and Joseph Smith for that.

[@jaclynlevy5644]

Daaaaang, hello fellow cradle Lutheran! Assuming you are in the USA were you LCMS or ELCA? I assume LCMS since you mentioned a conservative background. Similar story here. My dad once made fun of Mormons for taking Joseph Smith at his word even though he was the only one who saw the plates. I laughed along then realized there were parts of my faith I follow based on only 1 guy's dream or interpretation like Paul's dream that it was now ok to not eat kosher. Or basically the entire book of Revelation.

[@wawaicedcoffee]

Excited to listen! Like many I didn’t grow up Mormon, and I actually didn’t become religious until college, but I joined a high demand evangelical church that is actually on the cult watchlist. It was intense and it took me 5 years to decide to leave. I still believe in God but in a much healthier and much less rigid way that allows me to be my true spiritual self while sticking to my core values of equality and following my own intuition. Your videos are actually so validating for me, even though Mormon culture is so different from mine!

[@Sarahwithanh444]

Love your videos Alyssa, you explain so clearly an experience that is really difficult to portray accurately if you haven’t gone through it yourself. I left the mormon church in 2011, before the CES letter, before the days of podcasts and Facebook support groups, before the days of being able to easily access information online at the click of a mouse. I still remember the exact moment I knew the church was false - I’d been researching for maybe a week before or so, coming across all this new information and my mind in turmoil trying to make it all make sense - “if the church is true, how can all of this make sense?” And as I was standing in my kitchen, a thought came into my head - “what if it’s not true?” I had asked myself this before, but was too afraid to entertain the thought. The idea literally filled me with terror. However in this moment, I decided to reframe the question - “the church is not true,” and waited… and as soon as I said this, ALL of the tension, ALL of the confusion, ALL of the chaos in my mind disappeared - and for the first time in a long time I felt at peace. As quickly as the confusion left and peace flooded my body as I embraced this new truth, I was filled with all the fear that accompanies having your entire reality tipped upside down, your entire existence shattering underfoot, and suddenly you’re free-falling and you don’t know which way is up or down, and am I even real?! 😮😅 It’s a trippy experience..

[@Angie_fluffy_b00tz-sg3uz]

How dare the algorithm hide this from me for 3 minutes???😡

[@donkeyslayer9879]

That's ALGORITHM to you. All bow to THE ALGORITHM!

[@ulrichkata5313]

The algorythm hid this gem from me for 53 minutes!!

[@beegirlkp]

A whole hour! Gosh

[@mustwereallydothis]

It's really been slacking off lately

[@North_West1]

Conspiracy!😂

[@sidisid]

For future video ideas: I would love to hear about your husbands time as a missionary in Sweden, maybe combined with information about the "Swedish rescue" effort by the church, I think that happened 2012/2013? You videos are always so well put together and easy to watch, and I've never really had a full grasp how all that went down! Keep up the good work❤️😁

[@87zq27]

sister grenfell blessing us with another video

[@alyssadgrenfell]

Just doing the Lords work 🙏🏻🙏🏻 (I'm an atheist, for anyone wondering) haha

[@bramstokerfan]

😂​@@alyssadgrenfell

[@bewitched3912]

Love you for your service ❤ ​@@alyssadgrenfell

[@mkl4466]

​@@alyssadgrenfell You are, for sure! Keep it up!

[@ultimatespidybawlz2198]

@@alyssadgrenfell just had a curiosity is someone who is a protestant Christian. What exactly do atheists believe because I feel like to some degree atheist have to believe in some higher power because how do you explain all the perfect exact things that the universe created?

[@kaelie4151]

Can you please do a video going in depth about the CES letter?? That would be so interesting and I (and I’m sure many others) would love to hear your insights.

[@leviastrench]

im exvangelical but i really resonated with the part where you were talking about interpreting feelings as Literally God Talking to Me because my mom always took me to mountain retreats with her and one time while the band was going Nuts on the drums and guitars i felt a tingling in my hands and i was like omg its God... yeah no that was the blood flowing out of my arms and making them numb from how long i had my arms raised to the sky. i was 8. my mom still thinks it was a real spiritual experience 😭

[@Milkmaid108]

You are now bearing your personal testimony from your true experiences. I respect and appreciate your voicing your truth.

[@exmohobobonobo]

I love your energy, strength, and clarity, and I’m here to support you. You are truly doing the lord’s work. I went through the “other” path, like you, pre CES. There are so many doctrinal and psychological problems with Mormonism that it’s possible to have a HUGE shelf of doubts and denials of doubt. I love hearing other people share their experiences-it’s better than ANY fast and testimony meeting! Thank you!

[@MM-yn9oz]

That testimony experience you shared was a Truman Show moment. Congrats for being strong enough to withstand that with your sanity intact.

[@saint.hudson13]

I remember, I stumbled into a LDS bookstore but happenstance. After I apologize and explain that I wasn’t LDS the girls told me “any Son (daughter) of Abraham is welcome here”…with the most awkward/scary smiles. 😬

[@HeirOfNothingInParticular]

That’s kinda creepy!

[@Nighthawk63]

Thank You for your video, I am an Ex-Mormon, It took about 6 months for me to leave the church. The final Straw was a a couple things, The Joseph Smith facts and The Church keep pushing me to bring my wife at the time back to church since she had quit the church several years before. Again I would like to thank you for being honest about your stories and I know that it is hard.

[@beckygreenberg4283]

Hi Alyssa: Keep up the excellent work. I'm enjoying your vids and shorts very much. My exit was nearly 60 years ago, and it was a dark and shameful time because this level of transparancy and sharing was not available. But you bring all the horror back, and it's getting aired. Keep it going, Girl.

[@shawnstoddart5142]

I’ve been watching on and off for a while but just recently fell down the rabbit hole that is your blessed content. I grew up Mormon, but my story is different. Growing up gay in the church was incredibly isolating. I never even got the chance to build my faith enough to question it because I was never given that space. Instead, I spent years fasting and praying for God to change me, believing I was broken. I finally left the week before my Stake President mission worthiness interview. That was the one step of the process my mom couldn’t do and my final change to take my power. While I was in China teaching English as a volunteer, she completed and submitted my mission paperwork.

[@ellieloves2read]

i'd been slipping out of the church for a couple years before leaving (im asexual and nonbinary, i noticed how much of the culture and the doctrine was cultish, etc) but my shelf breaker happened when i sat down with some friends in a discord call and watched the news video about the church's hedge fund. i took off my garments before the video was even done. i wanted to believe so badly, because i had a very notable spiritual experience years before. i thought if everything else about the church was wrong, then why had i had that experience? i put off watching that video when it first came out because i knew deep down that it would kill what was left of my faith, and i didn't want that. but after watching that video and destroying my garments and just living outside of the church, i feel like a weight is off my chest. thank you so much for your videos; theyve been a huge help for me as i figure out how to live after the church

[@panaq4536]

My Christianity shelf has been slowly breaking for the last few years, and I think its been on the precipice of fully caving in for quite a while. The idea of it is so scary and lonely, though, its like I'm holding the shelf together with my own hands just so I don't have to face everything that will come with its downfall. Your videos have really helped me feel seen and not alone in my deconstruction journey, so thank you :)

[@noniousxltruffles7454]

Here's what you face WITHOUT patriarchal religion:- FREEDOM. 😁 Actually I doubt it's your ability to believe that's under 'threat' it's your belief in whatever branch of 'christianity' you've been expected/coerced/brainwashed into following (delete as appropriate). Look at the gentle beliefs of The Goddess where there's not only NO male hierarchy there's NO hierarchy AT ALL!

[@HeirOfNothingInParticular]

Good luck… and don’t forget to be kind to yourself. Hugs.

[@MingusDew_Bebop]

Religion is ancient astrology. The entire world is in on it. You should feel stupid for ever thinking religion was about real history on earth. Then you should move on and help others wake up. We need to get over this hurdle and stop being so egotistical. Our feelings don't matter nearly as much as the billions of future humans who's lives could continue to be ruined with lies.

[@LiaanaKuolmi]

@@MingusDew_Bebop so kind to call another stupid. that will surely make them agree with you and do exactly what you want.

[@LiaanaKuolmi]

There are lots of us on the other side of what you're going through! ***hugs!***

[@rekalf5119]

Absolutely love your content! I was not a Mormon, but I was in a very intense Christian cult for 20 years. I quit my job to go on Mission team, devoted 7 days a week to church activities. Hours upon hours, tens of thousands dollars given. Married in the church, etc. Since leaving the joy and freedom I feel is indescribable!

[@Magnolias2]

My husband left the church not long before we met a couple years ago, his family is still part of the church (they’re amazing and I love them so much) my husband has his own reasons for leaving on his shelf so this video was really interesting to me, never being Mormon, seeing your own personal reasons for leaving .I actually started watching your videos when we met because I was doing a lot of research to have some idea of what my family believes in and you’ve been so great in helping me learn. Your videos are still so interesting to me and I even see my husband peeking over my shoulder to watch! Just wanted to let you know how awesome you are for sharing your experiences!❤️

[@daveskipt21]

Thank you so much for sharing your story and wearing your heart on your sleeve. So much of what you said resonates deeply with my journey out of the Jehovah's Witness faith, especially the part about going back after a few weeks to try to support my wife who was still attending and feeling sick to the gut at what i was hearing. Everything had changed, irrevocably. It's such a tough journey but you are helping so many people and can take huge pride in that. Keep up the good work. ❤

[@ShatteredQvartz]

I think this is a space where I can share when I lost my faith in the Mormon's church, so, I will Around 2014, my parents had a very rocky relationship and were thinking abut divorce. Me as a firm believer, I saw this as something God had to get involved, specially because it was a period where the church here in Mx started making a strong emphasis on family values and the importance of strong families. Since we were a 1st generation converted family, we hadn't done many things despite having around 10 years of belonging to the church: No endowments, no sealments, etc... So it was a dire situation for me, since my family breaking at this time meant total separation from my loved ones FOREVER. So, as a good mormon, I prayed, I fasted, I payed my tithes, read scripture, dropped out of Japanese and Track courses to attend to all the church activities I could, just so, at the end of 2015, just two week before Christmas, it happened. My parents got divorced and my dad left the house. I was left devastated, because I felt like God had promised me that my family wouldn't fall apart if I was obedient, and I felt utterly abandoned. It took me 10 more years, in which I was told it was my fault for not being faithful enough, that God was teaching me a lesson, that my parents were sinful (and I know they aren't perfect, but THE NERVE to tell that to a grieving 15 year old lol), and many other mental gymnastics routine, to finally abandon the church. (Much to the dismay of my mom who is still a firm believer.) The final nail on the coffin was when I learned that my father is now endowed and about to marry/get sealed with the bitch with whom he cheated on my mom in the first place as if they didn't wreck my family and my life, and the leaders are like: "Well, just forgive them it's not a big deal" I got lucky in a sense because I didn't wasted two years of my life serving a mission, and I had the freedom to study and experience a lot of stuff that I wouldn't otherwise like going to parties, drinking with my friends, discover my sexual identity as a bisexual man, my passion for TV and Radio, my devotion for videogames and anime... It seems the real blessing was leaving that place. I found your videos like just a few days I decided to stop attending church (the algorithm is scary lol) and feeling that I'm not alone in this has given me so much peace and tranquility. Thank you for your videos.

[@dennisbowden3985]

I would never have had the courage to express my doubts to a group. I was at least able to let my Bishop and then Stake President know directly that I no longer believed. They were very kind and understanding, which I greatly appreciated.

[@deannahofmeister5608]

Great job, Alyssa! I am working on leaving the Catholic church, and your insight is helping me heal and move forward.💙

[@juliesiefke1173]

Lapsed Catholic here! After some reading & research I started attending an Episcopal Church 2 months ago. It’s small but growing and very welcoming. It’s very involved in the community and with other nearby Protestant churches. And there are LOTS of former Roman Catholics among the members.

[@fencepost5178]

You have so much courage and it will help others

[@euamo_musica]

44:46 when I was still a kid and regularly went to church because I was forced to, I remember the moment I decided to stop pretending I cared about the religion I was in (because I never believed it) was a pretty rough one: I was freshly 11 and really struggling with mental health issues and suicidal thoughts, but since through my whole life I was told that If I killed myself I'd go to hell and suffer for all eternity, that fear was the only thing stopping me from doing it. But one day I laid in bed and stared at the ceiling and laid my heart out to no one in particular in hopes that if God really existed he'd listen to me, and I remember quite literally begging God to make me feel better, get rid of my suffering or at least give me a reason as to why I was going through such a rough time; but I got no answer and a few weeks later my fear of going to hell, being punished, and tmy fear towards the religion were gone. I persisted through that rough time all by myself and made it through, those years definitely left some religion trauma as a gift for me, but since then I've livedmy life feeling much more free and happier

[@kellyortiz3792]

You are so brave! I didn't bear any testimony before I left the seventh-day Adventist church, although I respect those who stay and are on their own path. But the questions just wouldn't go away....and then covid hit and no one cared if their fellow church members were exposed to covid and didn't wear masks, I saw the pure selfishness in those acts. I walked out and never returned.

[@fairywingsonroses]

I've hated going to church since I was 4. I was sealed to my parents in the temple at age 7, and I found the experience to be so underwhelming and disappointing. The same was true of my baptism at 8. I didn't have one moment where I stopped believing because I kind of never believed. I only had a list of moments that made me hate the church more and more, the most prominent of which was physical abuse from my mother whenever I would express my dislike for all things church.. There were two instances though, that kind of sealed the deal, even though I was certain at that point that I didn't want to go back. The first was during student teaching. I student taught in an inner-city school in Virginia, and it was really the first time ever that I had seen the widespread and devastating impacts of poverty, racism, sexism, etc. My family hadn't been wealthy growing up, but I do think that the church shielded me from the worst of what poverty could be. I realized that God wasn't going to come save any of us, and that it was my job to save myself and try to do what I could for my students. The second moment was a few years later when I got pregnant unexpectedly. I went into motherhood with a kind of blind optimism, the same optimism that has been pushed in church constantly growing up. I discovered that hated motherhood with a firey passion, and that did irreparable harm to both me and my kid. I was so angry that the church had not given me a more realistic or informed narrative on what motherhood would look like for me. I would have made completely different family planning choices had I been more informed. That romanticized narrative of motherhood was something I realized that I could never forgive the church for. I never wanted for my child to be dragged into my extreme mental health struggles, and I've had a seething hatred for the church ever since (though I do love my child immensely).

[@fabidepaulo]

You are amazing and I am so grateful I found you. I felt so much like you for a long time and also left my ward and never came back. I am so glad seeing you living your life being a full self. That is fantastic! Power to you girl. I also have a channel on TikTok and Instagram in Portuguese talking about leaving the church. Hugs to you!

[@Smedium]

I've never been connected to the LDS church or really any faith, but in your story I see a lot of my journey to figuring out I am trans. I kept adding things to my shelf - dislike with being seen as a man, joy when people thought I was a woman, feeling like bodily features were wrong - but I'd spent my whole life being told who I was, so I felt like it must be true; there must be another explanation for all this. Besides, being trans would affect all parts of my life. I could lose my job. I could receive harassment. Many trans people lose lots of friends and family... Also, see the political climate of the world at large. Ultimately for me, it was similar to you. I just can't pretend to believe something I don't

[@Boomer04888]

I was raised in a very devout Mormon home myself, and eventually left when I was about 16. I cannot fathom the shock that must've been in the room when you bore your testimony about Joseph Smith, as I know exactly how those sessions are "supposed" to go. How incredibly brave of you!! I just recently came across this channel and as an ex-mo, I have to say I've really enjoyed having your videos on in the background as I go about my day. Thank you, keep it up (former, lol) sister!

[@rachelhansen2417]

I took almost 4 years to deconstruct because I was at BYU until about 6 months before officially leaving. I was also in teaching thanks to a “prompting”, and I’m now pivoting to law.

[@vanillatwice]

In the MTC (Missionary Training Center for missionaries just starting), one of my teachers was teaching us spanish but the exercise was to bear testimony of how tithing has answered a prayer or proven beneficial in my life. I honestly wanted to think of something, but I had nothing. I was the only one in the class that couldn't think of something and I started to standout because I couldn't do the exercise. The teacher eventually took me outside the room in the hallway and kindly asked me to stay here and pray until I could think of something. I pushed back at first but he was insistent that I try and try again until something happens. At that point as a naive well meaning 19 year old I did as he said, but I never came up with anything real. I just regurgitated what I had heard other say before and moved on. I went on to serve a "successful" 2 year mission despite me realizing I was an atheist half way through. It would be another 8 years before I came to terms with it fully and left the church. I relate with so many things Alyssa says in this video and others of hers.

[@TalleyrandsPuppet]

You are so honest. And completely in touch with your feelings. Those are rare gifts.

[@heathert5935]

I was around 12. I was told in Young Women that we were doing a field trip to the nearby Temple. I was excited to go. Turns out that the trip to the temple wasn't to the actual temple but rather to the temple baptism font for baptism for the dead. I had no idea that the trip was for baptism for the dead. It got me looking outside the church for my own spiritual growth. Around this time a leader told us (a group of 12 to 13 year old girls) that studying other religions can lead you astray and competitive religious studies should be avoided. I was also told I needed to convert my non-Morman friends. I just started to distance my self. Luckily my parents were never big in the church and didn't care when I decided that I didn't want to go to church and the youth activities anymore. I always figured that if the church was as true as they say it was then they would not be condoning people learning about other religions.

[@infowarriorone]

I remember when I became an atheist. I was 15 years old and filled with many questions, so I decided to read the Bible (KJV) cover to cover. It happened sometime between Genesis and Revelation.

[@Dina-lc4bt]

Same here!!! I started reading the Bible at 14 and was an atheist by 16.

[@atheist101]

I was a southern baptist and was also taught that feeling was the holy spirit. When I went to my first death metal show I realized I got that exact same feeling. That and reading the bible for myself is what got me out of religion.

[@MingusDew_Bebop]

Not reading the Bible is key to Christianitys operation. It literally tells you over and over "Jesus is the sun, this is old astrology."

[@jothesharkrider]

I had a very similar experience leaving the evangelical church/cult I was raised in. Watching your videos helps me feel validated. Thank you for sharing your story.

[@leviathan8215]

I love the way you describe feeling faith, and how having faith is basically believing your good feelings are true. That’s the piece that’s always been missing when I’ve tried to understand people’s experiences from intense religious communities, thanks for putting it into words and sharing that

[@jonipitcher7185]

For me it was listening to 1984 as I painted my kitchen. When at the end he loved big brother I realized I had convinced myself to love a lie. It was the best worst day. It was like I saw my live on fire on the floor. I lost who I was. I lost my guide for every little choice I make. I thought I would die. I didn't know anything anymore. I didn't even know how to act around people. It's been a few years I'm so happy to have left the cult sooner then latter.

[@mkburwell9523]

I have so many moments I look back on, and I was lucky enough to realize early on that I didn't believe in the church. I remember doing baptisms for the dead for the first time at 12 and just sobbing in the dressing room afterward, feeling terrible. I never went inside the temple again and told my parents I didn't believe two years later.

[@StorminXMormon]

For me i spent years getting more and more cynical after my missions. As a last dish effort to reignite my testimony i enlisted in the US Marine Corps Reserve... fast forward a few years im married and have a daughter. I decided i really needed to decide if i wanted to raise her in the church. Started listening to Exmolex videos. As soon as she mentioned how brigham young said mix race children should be dead i deciced i could not support any organization that would not support my daughters very existence. Been 3+ years now and have zero regrets walking away from the church. I do regret how many experiences i missed by being in the church so long

[@ellielikescats4104]

i really admire you. such courage and bravery to stand up for yourself and you share it with the world that is so great. i feel like i can do what i want and enjoy because you’ve set a great example for me. thank you Alyssa

[@_fufufu_]

I'm so sorry people on the internet treated your story about the Joseph Smith testimony so poorly Honestly, this teared me up... You shared such a tough, vulnerable and heartbreaking moment of your life and the internet folk turned their backs on you You are a very strong person and you bear that awful experience with grace Doubting the faith for a faithful person must be so confusing and scary. Your whole world turnes upside down, and I'm afraid without strong support it may lead to bad consequences My heart goes out to everyone going through the same

[@itslukemott]

That description with the concert like feeling is actually really good. I was never very religious, but I spent half a year as an exchange student in a pentecostal church. I was at a point in my life where I lived of wanted to believe and to belong somewhere. I still didn't fully believe in god, but I did dive into the praying duribg sermons etc. It felt very powerful sometimes. And once I even spoke in tongues. I never actually thought it was god, not fully at least, but it was a powerful feeling kind of like the concert thing you described..

[@kathiaponcefausto7825]

I'm realy grateful for this video, I leave the church since 2021 and now I'm free ❤

[@AngiesCousin]

You say this with elegance and diplomacy, but I know a decision like this comes with a great deal of despair and heartache. Thank you for sharing this difficult experience. Anyone doubting or belittling your previous faith has no idea how soul crushing it is to have this stable foundation ripped from your life.

[@lyv-890]

I really like how you mentioned that you should have time to think, consider, and make decisions for yourself. I've been focusing on that in my journey and not just relying on a feeling. It's very important to understand what you are dealing with or getting yourself into, especially when it comes to big decisions.

[@mostlynothing8130]

When I was 6 yrs old we lived in an apartment building with a communal laundry room in the basement. My mom would make me go down there and reserve a time slot on the board. I was absolutely terrified of the basement and believed that Dracula lived down there and would eat me one day. Then suddenly one day I started questioning my fear and went looking. Turns out Dracula didn't live in our basement which made me question a whole lot of other things like the existence of Santa, who I discovered was actually my uncle since, he always had to run an errand 10 minutes before Santa showed up. Oh boy did I get into trouble for breaking that news to my cousin 😄

[@bramstokerfan]

Lmao

[@JimFinley11]

Thank you! I believe your channel is probably doing a lot of good, maybe saving lives. When someone feels alone in a situation like the one you were in, especially when they’re young, having the validation of realizing that others feel the same way can save their sanity and even their life. In this video, your sincerity - both in your original struggle and your retelling of it - is clear. You’re right, too, about the way abusive groups - families, unhealthy religious organizations, even political cults - ignore or try to erase what doesn’t fit, rather than showing someone who’s searching for understanding the unconditional support and acceptance a healthy group would (as your husband did, thankfully. I’m glad he was there for you.) My first break with organized religion came when I was eight. My father and stepmother were viciously violent and abusive - physically and emotionally - inside the walls of our house, but outside, they kept up appearances, and were the proverbial pillars of the community. This was in the 1960s and society in general tended to look the other way when something didn’t seem right (as did my teachers, for example, when I showed up at school dirty, underfed, and in ragged clothes.) On this Sunday we were in church - of course - I still remember the purple fabric and blonde wood of the pews and kneelers. I had a cold and was sniffling. My father looked irritated, took out his handkerchief, handed it to me and whispered to me to blow my nose, which I did. My younger brother also had a cold and needed to blow his nose, so he reached for the handkerchief and whispered to me, “Let me see that.” My stepmother apparently thought he wanted to examine my snot. She turned and backhanded him across the face so hard she knocked him over sideways. That slap sounded like a gunshot in that church. And not one of those people acknowledged it - they all kept their eyes straight ahead and acted as if they were deaf. I remember thinking that if there were any truth to what they said about God, a bolt of lightning would have come through the roof of that church and killed her on the spot. I looked around and thought, “This is a lie and these people are all cowards.” Later on, after my mother got custody of us and got us away from our father, she took us to her church; she was a good person and a sincere believer. The dean of the church was a wise and kind man, and I really liked him. But he died of a stroke, and his replacement was like a parody. This was a wealthy church, but he was always looking to bring in more money - he decided the best use of the Sunday School classes’ time was to rent us out to paint stripes in parking lots. I told Mom I didn’t want to go to Sunday School any more, and why, and she sighed and said she understood. But then she and the man who became my stepfather (a wonderful man and my hero and role model) decided to get married, and she went to the church to see about scheduling their wedding. The dean opened the pledge book and pointed out that she hadn’t made a financial pledge to donate a given amount every week. She told him that she gave what she could, but often my father didn’t pay his child support and it was a choice between groceries and everything else. The dean told her that unless she made a pledge she couldn’t get married there. She and my stepdad found a supportive priest and got married in the garden at his mother’s house instead, and they went on their honeymoon. When they got back and we went to church, the dean told her that because she had not gotten married there, her marriage was not valid, and he refused to give her communion. She went back every week, went up and knelt for communion, and stared him down as he passed her by. Finally, after several weeks, he gave in and gave her communion. That was the last time she ever set foot in that church. Much later, as a young adult, I was out on a run, and I passed a church and noticed some gold lettering over the door of the sanctuary: it said, “May your sacrifice and mine prove acceptable to God.” Something in that felt deeply wrong. I thought about it, running faster because I was suddenly angry. I reflected on my relationship with my own children, and thought that I would never ask them to sacrifice for me. I sacrificed for them. They didn’t have anything I needed them to give me - it was the other way around. And I couldn’t imagine God needing anything the people (mostly poor) who attended that church could sacrifice. I realized that the God of most organized religions was like my alcoholic, addicted father: controlling, possessive, jealous, volatile, greedy, dangerous. I thought about the way I’d heard people talk about fearing God as a good thing. I knew I had feared my father, and the last thing I wanted was for my children to fear me. I decided the only sane relationship with a god like that would have to include a restraining order. I did have some good friends who were members of the clergy, three chaplains in particular (I am a retired Marine.) But they’d have been good people no matter what they did for a living and whether they were believers or not. I value spirituality. I am in long-term recovery in a 12-step program and have been sober for 34 years now (I’m 66.) But the view I finally settled on is that spirituality is about a relationship with a higher power, and religions are fallible human organizations created to achieve spirituality - but they inevitably devolve into being about power and money, and when that happens spirituality dwindles. I think that spirituality is like pure water, and a religion is like a container intended to contain that water. But water can be found in many kinds of containers, and many containers that are supposed to hold water hold poison. My stepfather was a huge help to me. When I first realized I needed to be in recovery, I went to a meeting and as I listened to people, I felt I fit in for the first time in my life. But then I heard the steps talking about God, and felt as if I’d found something priceless and just as quickly it had been snatched out of my hands. I talked to my stepfather and poured my heart out, and this is what he said to me: “I know you, and I know you can’t do leaps of faith or believe in things that don’t fit what you see in front of you. But you can approach questions with an open mind. So try this: throw out everything you’ve ever been taught about God, about a higher power. Then decide what kind of God would make sense to you, would be a good higher power that you could trust and that could help you. Then ask yourself, “If this higher power exists and is at work in the world, what evidence will I see?” And just wait and keep your eyes open.” I have a higher power. When I thought about what evidence I'd see, I thought about how I tried to help my kids - sometimes I'd see them making mistakes that I knew would cause them pain, but I couldn't make their decisions for them or protect them from themselves. All I could do was give them the best guidance I could, and be there for them if they did get hurt. I realized that in my own life, every single time I was getting ready to make one of the mistakes that hurt others and hurt me (and I'd made a lot) I'd had a nagging feeling inside, almost like that still small voice, telling me it was a bad idea and I shouldn't do it - but I usually did it anyway, then regretted it. I realized that still small voice was exactly what I'd have experienced from a perfect parent. I decided to test it, so when I had decisions to make, I decided to listen. I could tell what felt right because when I considered what turned out to be the right thing to do, I'd feel a calm stillness inside instead of that uneasiness, even when I was scared of what might happen if I did that thing I knew was right. I started following that guidance, in small things at first and then, as I learned to trust it, with bigger and bigger decisions. It has never, ever steered me wrong, and I have never had cause to regret heeding it. I don’t claim to understand it completely, but I know it’s there; my higher power is the perfect parent I have tried to be, although I have fallen short as every parent does. My higher power is not something I would ever need to fear. I found a cartoon in the comics, of all places, that expresses it pretty well. It’s an old Mother Goose and Grimm cartoon. There are two hand puppets talking to each other - you can see the wrists of the hands in each puppet going down to the bottom of the frame. One puppet is saying to the other, “I don’t know - sometimes I question whether there really is a hand.” One of my 12-step sponsors used to say, “God is an ocean, and each of us is a droplet in that ocean.” My higher power is part of me, and I’m part of it. So I don’t need to fear it, any more than my hand needs to fear me. That’s what I came to think more than thirty years ago, and it’s worked pretty well for me ever since.

[@username9999]

At the non Mormon church I went to "giving your testimony" meant to share what you have seen God do. The dramatic one might be: I used to be addicted to drugs and then I found God. Other testamonies might be: I was going though something difficult and then God gave me strength and peace.

[@barbowens8626]

It was great hearing the details of that day and those moments. You're so wise and very brave. Thanks for sharing in order to help others.☮️💖

[@ellahusk3689]

I love your content Alyssa! I look forward to Fridays every week because of you! :)

[@jenniferkerastas4569]

"Feeling the Spirit" is not dissimilar to how I feel when I watch videos of unlikely animal friends

[@richardwilliamson1639]

Once you see how a magic trick is performed, you can never unsee it. The illusion is shattered!

[@rrioghnach]

As an ex-Mormon, my experience with the church was the complete opposite of yours. From as early as six years old, I knew I disliked it and couldn’t wait to leave once I was old enough. Being Autistic, my highly analytical, science-focused mind struggled to grasp how anyone could genuinely believe in religion. It all felt completely illogical to me. I was openly defiant in church, constantly challenging my teachers, skipping services to sit outside and read, and never truly engaging with the lessons being taught. When I turned 17, my mother told me I was old enough to decide for myself whether I wanted to continue attending. I haven’t set foot in a Mormon church since.

[@allanrogers2353]

about two years ago my sister asked me and my siblings why we left the church (she's the fourth in age, all three of us older kids have left) and I'm not sure if my brother and sister talked to her, but I just never really got arounf to talking to her about it... and now she's going on a mission. she leaves in April. it breaks my heart that she's wasting this precious time as a young person on being brainwashed...I cant help but think that I could've been a better influence and helped her along her journey of self discovery. I'm supporting her wholeheartedly at this point, obviously she's already been called, but I wish I hadn't missed my chance.

[@mormonskeptic6836]

21:26 when I finally opened up to my wife about my struggles with the church,, she told me that if I left the church she would leave and take my kids. PIMO ever since

[@LowTide941]

So sorry to hear that brother. Hope you’re staying strong

[@MaraHug]

I grew up in the church and I remember questioning a lot of things early on. I’m sure I made my seminary teacher struggle 😅 as well because at that point I was asking questions they could never answer. Got to the point I remember her doing a lesson and it was if you have questions read the Books and find the answers yourself. Which I was like but all my questions are because I read the Books. My family is deep into the Mormon church since I am a descendent of Samuel Lorenzo Adam’s. Let’s just say this hasn’t gone over well with them but I am happy with who I am now and will never go back.

[@trinketspirit]

I’m an ex-evangelical Christian. I attended bible college and was in dorm. So part of that was having weekly group meetings with another dorm of 4-5 young women (the dorms were separated by gender.) Somehow the idea of modesty came up. Of course the typical things were said; “We should not cause our brothers in Christ to stumble.”, “It’s important we do not tempt sin.”, etc. I then mentioned Matthew 5:29-30 and how I thought it was ridiculous how all the onus was on women for how men treated them. The way I phrased it was relatively tame though. I honestly thought it would not ruffle feathers and perhaps inspire some conversation. But similar to your story the room went dead silent for a few seconds and the group leader moved on to another topic. I was dumbfounded. A simple press that led away from traditional church dogma and I was entirely discounted by a group of Christian women. I had many experiences like that before but after that moment it felt like I had my blinders lifted to how toxic this environment really was. Now I’m just the crazy feminist that left because of “one” negative experience. 🙃

[@DM-kl4em]

You are absolutely right. The idea that women are responsible for bewitching their blue-balled brethren is disgusting. It is also creepy, sexist and dangerous. In any case, I will never understand why perfectly-normal sexual attraction is supposedly sinful. Men should never stare like some creepy predator, and consent is an absolute must, but you don't need religion to know that. That's just a simple "duh!"

[@trinketspirit]

@@DM-kl4em Shame is a big proponent in high-demand religion. I see how ridiculous it all is now but at the time I was just beginning to feel how unfair it was, specifically to me as a young woman. I was only 18 when this happened. It was just a particularly harsh reminder of how hush-hush dissenting ideas were on this topic even within circles of women. I was reminded of my place beneath men many times at bible college but I was really trying to push those feelings of inferiority down. I mean even in my secular middle school I was constantly dress coded as a child who just happened to develop faster than the other girls and was told not to “distract the boys.” In general the social conditioning and indoctrination started early for me in basically all aspects of my life. Thankfully I no longer feel shame for just simply existing as a woman. And being a feminist really isn’t so bad; if somebody thinks it’s an insult simply they can go shove it.

[@CompOfHall]

I feel so many of the things you say in this video. Especially the part about being fully in and then being fully out. Thank you for making these videos. I feel kinship in your journey.

[@august6316]

My biggest shelf item was how the church treats gay people. I didn't see why it was wrong for people to love each other, especially if sexuality isn't something you can choose, and if people were subject to misery and abuse over the debate of such a subject. My parents' messy divorce and me subsequently moving away from home was the opportunity I needed to get away from everything and deconstruct my beliefs in private.

[@davidchess1985]

What a great final testimony! Admire your bravery.

[@beth4107]

perfect timing, i’m so early cus i was checking my subscriptions to find something to listen to!

[@alyssadgrenfell]

Hello! Welcome to the video and happy Friday! :D

[@bramstokerfan]

Me.

[@VyacheslavP158]

Allyssa thank you so much for sharing your story. I went to mormon church a few times, but I am a christian- protestant, and I left my church more than 10 years ago for similar reasons. I was in worship ministry. You find my recordings here on you tube.

[@FishareFriendsNotFood972]

People forget how LONG a journey breaking free is, thank you for this video.

[@kp-da]

I deconstructed from Evangelical Christianity over the course of my entire life, but, it was really Rhett and Link sharing their stories that fully cemented my de conversion. ❤❤ Love those guys!