The Fearful Avoidant & Dismissive Avoidant Relationship | Unmet Needs!

[@AliValentine143]

I'm healing FA and he's Dismissive Avoidant. Turns out he wasn’t ready and I wasn't ready to watch him deactivate. I needed the assurance, communication and love. My progress is just too important to me. I still find the DA+FA has much potential but mostly if both are wanting it and working it.

[@hannahsmith508]

Your last sentence in your comment is everything imo

[@indigodp7]

Both have to be willing to do the work, to show up and not assume was not.

[@rosetaylor3717]

FA that was with a DA for 4 years. I think the hardest thing about the dynamic was as much as there was love and understanding, we couldn’t handle conflict. I would try and be vulnerable and communicate which was hard enough as it is but then they wouldn’t be willing not to hear me out so I’d be even more shut down but still silently holding onto the resentment. If only he was willing to hear me and let me be vulnerable, I truly believe this would have worked… sad

[@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life]

Same. My ex da and I couldn't get past the power struggle phase. We ended it 3 times and just started back up like nothing happened. This last time I gracefully bowed out. It was both of us. We were so close but just couldn't get there.

[@Gstarp]

When I tell you this was exactly my case from point A to Z… I miss him dearly but had to let go

[@daniellepearce8799]

I feel you all.. just going through break up. He has no idea he's DA and also doesn't do conflict. Any conflict has to be forgotten about

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

Recovering FA and really wanted to share this work to heal/repair with a dear DA. We are both women. She doesn't realize most of my upset with her was around her unresponsive communication and not being emotionally available/warm/empathy lean into tend conflict Together rather than Ice Out with a list of flaws to resent. Sigh. I can keep learning even if she blamed me and cut out.

[@soda7703]

Thanks Thais! Please make more videos of FA and DA relationships!❤

[@breezy9387]

As an FA with a DA ex, I struggle with figuring out how to prioritize which needs to communicate and when. We've been talking about seeing each other again, and I've seen improvement for both of us in communication & consistency. A recent setback has triggered all my fears, so I suspect his are online too as he deactivated suddenly, without explanation. Once he's ready to talk, I know I can't open with a laundry list that will overwhelm him.

[@russellcameronthomas2116]

Just a suggestion: create a list of your needs, ideally prioritized or grouped by priority. Short labels to each need. Giving him this list may help both of you. It might help him to realize that your needs are finite, and not an endless fountain. Understanding the priorities will help put them in perspective and guide your efforts. And it might help you because you are putting all your needs forward, and not having to hold them back anymore. The conversation might go like this: “As you know, I have a lot of needs in relationships, and I know it can be difficult or confusing for my partner. I’m working hard on this - to understand, to prioritize, and most importantly to grow and heal wounds. To help us out, I created this prioritized list of needs. We don’t have to talk about them all at once, since that might be overwhelming. I’m feeling _____ right now as I talk to you because, for me, expressing ALL my needs is a big risk because of my fears of ______. But this should be a “2-way street”. I want to know about all your needs in relationship and talk about how we might meet them.” Hope this helps

[@johnton6488]

Suggestion n2: If you are FA, you have probably BPD issues and your DA have narcissticic ones. BPD + NPD can typically form a long term relationship, but extremely hurting one. Intensive and long term attachment focused therapy is ussually needed. Sorry to sound so harsh, I went through the same dynamics - most prolonged hurtful experience I have ever had.

[@russellcameronthomas2116]

@@johnton6488 Thanks for chiming in, but I disagree. Insecure attachment styles are not connected to personality disorders, though they can coexist. (I have co-parented with a diagnosed BPD, for 25 years, so I have some experience). Likewise, DA does not entail Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It may be true that one of both people (FA + DA) will need serious coaching + therapy to heal enough to have a healthy relationship with each other or other people. But not because they have aspects of personality disorders.

[@johnton6488]

@@russellcameronthomas2116 Thank you for a real discussion :-) Insecur ettachment styles are correlated to PD´s and in a meaningful way. DA and NPD - very contraintuitive for me, but again, there is a research evidence behind that. This is not a good place to put links, but it is easy to find it via google search or google scholar.

[@johnton6488]

Thank you for a meaningfull reply. Insecure attachment style are correlated to various PD´s. FA (but also AP) to BPD and DA to NPD. You can find a research evidence for that connection via Google Scholar etc. (this platform is not suitable to put links directly).

[@nappyfries]

I’m an FA & I’m an acts of service/quality time person. I love them all lol but those are tied for my top LL. I love to learn all my loved ones’ LLs so I can make them feel loved. It’s awesome for all your relationships, not just romantic.

[@LenkaSingh-gl2be]

Thank you for that. As an FA I didn’t even realise I have needs. I was so used to putting myself aside and making sure that everyone else was happy until I burned out completely. I think that course mentioned is going to be extremely beneficial. Already done some and it is amazing. One starts to look at their relatiknahips and their own pains and behaviours in a completely different perspective! Thank you for all the hard work you're doing. It 's a blessing to have access to all that 🙏 ❤

[@johnton6488]

Are you sure you are an FA?

[@LenkaSingh-gl2be]

@johnton6488 I am. There are strong DAs patterns in me too. This is why I got so burnt out. Because of anyone evoking feelings in me was always firmly blocked and rejected by my subconscious. So appart from family I was taking care of the wrong people. The ones I could really love were never allowed nowhere near..

[@LenkaSingh-gl2be]

I always only realised that something is wrong only when I was literally starved In terms of emotional needs. Even then I wouldn't realise that it is what it is. I would burst into argument and then feel sorry I missbehaved this way. Then it would repeat after a while. Now as I am learning I am more like distancing from people as I still don't know how and what to ask for properly. It's like there is some block. And if I try to ask for some of my needs to be met. If the person attempts to do it. My subconscious rejects that attempt interpreting that they didn't really do it sincerely because I had to ask. So after all that hard work of me trying to ask I reject if anything ever comes back :(

[@johnton6488]

@@LenkaSingh-gl2be Thank you so much! Based on your description - did you checked whether you may have anxcious-preoccupied attachment?

[@LenkaSingh-gl2be]

@johnton6488 I did get the test. Came back as fearfull. I think because of the DAs patterns I am some kind of mix of the two. Thank you so much for your questions 💛

[@roshalllambert]

Loved the explanation of love languages and how it shows up in relationships! Also I love ur personal shares!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you!

[@nickskywalker2568]

I'm DA and she's FA. I've always been willing to grow and improve but she never faced her issue and always put blame on me and projected her insecurities onto me. Whatever I do it was never enough, she had a problem to every solutions. She was getting disrespectful and agressive because of her insecurities. Recently I said stop after getting insulted for nothing and went no contact. I was hoping she would realise and apologise but no. She did write to me after 1 or 2 weeks but only for bringing more irrational accusations, no consideration for what she was doing to me. I was really emasculated. It's been about 6 weeks now, I miss her but it's wouldn't be possible without her facing her issues and starting to respect me. I feel so lost...

[@RachelMintz]

Thanks!

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

I really relate to you on wanting others to heal and grow and be into that stuff. Ive learned alot from you.

[@msmaine5179]

Thank you! Love this explanation ❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Glad you liked this ❤

[@stevensantora2976]

Thank you so much.

[@MuzikAficionado]

This video has some insightful nuggets of info! It often seems that FAs are pretty secure in their middle ground, until an AP or DA pushes them to either side, so FAs should rather steer clear of them, and only look for secure ones or fellow FAs to keep their balance and mutual harmony!

[@clarisec1451]

Would love more information on this dynamic

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@spikygreen]

How can the DA satisfy the FA's need to feel wanted and valued? My DA partner is very responsive when i communicate my needs but I really just don't know what to ask.. obviously I can't just tell him "become totally obsessed with me", but without it, i also don't really feel wanted.. (i always dated APs or at least other FAs in the past, and i guess they must have spoiled me...). It's definitely one of my most important needs, and I'm starting to feel that only an AP partner can satisfy this need for me 😢

[@learnwithnaz1705]

SAME

[@Musicheadmantha]

same. I think we have to work on becoming more securely attached ourselves and let the chips fall where they may with our DA partners once we are secure.

[@JeffreydelosSantosINFP]

Im AP but the problem with FAs is that once i become obsessed with them they deactivate, they say you care too much but here they are suffering cause their DA are not obsessed with them, you need to heal, you will never be happy like this

[@spikygreen]

@@JeffreydelosSantosINFP we all are here trying to heal.. It seems what you are saying is true for some FAs, certainly not true for me. I don't mind AP clinginess at all, I find it awesome.

[@JeffreydelosSantosINFP]

@@spikygreen i understand, well i hope your DA can be more passionate, oh wait this was 6 months ago, are you still with him?

[@jasonfanclub4267]

FA + DA is my combination

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@KEOSHAANEILIA]

Is it possible that over time an AP person create a DA-like response in a secure person?

[@rosetaylor3717]

Yes lol APs are overwhelming and tend to overwhelm anyone

[@neurologicalworms]

It could definitely appear that way yes. The secure person's healthy attachment is reacting to an unhealthy attachment and isn't sure what to do or say. Nothing ever seems to help and it's hard to rationalize

[@Indigo-blue1978]

Been together 11 years have three small children. During the time of having the kids she wouldn't come anywhere near me in the bedroom. I stuck it out and when we agreed third and final child I said we needed to put some focus back on the relationship. She wouldn't talk....ended up arguing a lot because of it. I hit the wall and said we should seperate she just agreed no argument. She then wants us to be pals and get along and take the kids places I tried this but makes it hard feeling like a family. I've recently discovered she's dating someone. She kept telling me lies and it stood out so I questioned her. She said wasn't my business but I just felt a little deceived that she would make excuses when I said how is your weekend or do you have plans. I didn't do it to pry....but when I started noticing she stammered and told white lies I felt like I couldn't spend time with someone that lied to me. I asked her she finally admitted she wanted someone to get along with and have that deeper connection. I found this odd because this was exactly what I was arguing and battling for. She makes me feel guilty for not spending time with her and the kids by saying ah well your choice. But it's like she wants her cake and eat it and has started to lead this double life. We had a huge row last night we've been split 6 months now and I've said I just need space but I feel guilty about the children....its very conflicting

[@hurricaneaquatics]

Hey Colin, if your wife is a DA, then spending time with you isn't a priority. She most likely helicopters the children and dedicates all of her time to them while making none for you. She doesn't care if you need anything or tell her you're lonely, etc. If she's a DA, you are a paycheck and nothing more. Now while it might be confusing for you that she wants the things you want from someone else, it's her way of mirroring your good qualities to a potential mate. They lure them in by being loving and nice. Most likely, she sees this other person as able to give her something, money, stability, image, etc. They are very self serving and have zero concern for your needs or feelings. You probably often hear her say she's "bored" if she isn't taking care of the kids 100% of the time. This is when they start straying and cheating. Listen, I've been through this for 28 years and it killed me trying to figure out why my spouse would treat me this way and then be nice to everyone besides me. If that's your wife, she may very well have a personality disorder. Probably BPD/NPD. The terrible thing is that there is no fixing it as these people don't have the ability to truly attach and love. It's easy to let the years go by when you're bithe mainly focused on the kids as it takes the focus off of your relationship issues. Best of luck and glad to answer something if you need. I know it's horribly difficult when the woman you love and live for doesn't reciprocate....

[@Indigo-blue1978]

@hurricaneaquatics thank you from the bottom of my heart I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to that. You are absolutely right. Over time if you listen closely to what a person says you notice little nuggets that they don't even realise they say. It's the second time it's happened to me I was a very young father too....I dedicated my life to a little girl and her mom was brutal towards me. She stopped me seeing her but then passed away leaving my daughter with her step father. My daughter is now 23 and not a day goes by I don't think a out her. My wife did exactly what you said with me....she mirrored me when we met I told her about the difficult times I'd had and that if I were to ever have a family it was all about stability commitment and dedication......as soon as we were married that all started changing...you absolutely hit the nail on the head...she got bored. She can't sit for two minutes without being on social media. She commented to me all her friends were married and in relationships. I feel like she's tried to keep me on side as either back up......or just for some sort of company as and when. She seems to gather groups of friends and they most part lead her a stray anyway. Over the last five years I started to notice she would make false promises.....then nothing....it was like talking to a naughty child that didn't listen. I'm glad I've discovered she's met someone because it's helped me to realise no going back. Great believer that if anyone can step into dating then they don't care about you anymore and anyone in my shoes never take them back because its only cause their plan didn't work.

[@Indigo-blue1978]

I've also learned from the two long term relationships both women as very much like my mum......I don't get along with mu mum she pushed me out when I was a kid. I've researched child hood trauma and realised the affects and how I've mirrored looking for that motherly figure which is so odd we do this. The good thing is that these relationships have made me realise I want at least 6 to 12 months before I'm intimate with anyone to give me chance to get to really know someone.....the irony of it is I met such a deeply loving girl I rejected 13 years ago that spooked me because she was as deep as I was. We had kept in touch we still love one another now....ironically she was single 3 years then met a guy when I went through the seperation. I've left her alone as I don't feel it right to mess with that. At no point did we meet either during my marriage I'm always dedicated to partners and if she was ever flirtatious I just stopped talking with her cause those things aren't on in my book.

[@hurricaneaquatics]

@@Indigo-blue1978 Hey Colin, you're in the right place and studying the right things to take charge. Don't let bad people ruin your future happiness. It starts within and I've found that we allow these type of people to treat us this way because we were conditioned to it as kids. Somewhere in our mind, we know it's bad and wrong, yet we keep going and allow it. I always knew it was terrible, yet I pushed it off and procrastinated doing anything because we had a child. Realize there are people who WILL be faithful and loving so don't shut yourself down. Take your time and don't meet people in bars, etc. Remember, if you lay with dogs, you'll get fleas 🤣. Best of luck and glad I could help.

[@Indigo-blue1978]

@hurricaneaquatics ha ha ha I certainly don't want fleas ;) Again thank you so much. The more I research the more I've realised I'm the bright glower in the ether.....and I seem to attract the moths.

[@valeneteelucksingh3772]

Parents really destroy us huh?