How Dismissive Avoidants Sabotage Intimacy

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In this video, Thais Gibson explores the various signs in which a dismissive avoidant attachment style (avoidant attachment style) may sabotage intimacy.
Watch now to find out 10 sure signs that your intimacy is being sabotaged and what you can do as Thais offers up some useful insight and tips.
To learn more, explore the empowering course, "Healthy Balance in Relationships," for powerful tools you can begin using immediately.
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:07 - Sign #1: Emotional Distance
00:02:41 - Sign #2: Counter-Dependent
00:03:48 - Sign #3: Struggles With Commitments
00:04:39 - Sign #4: Minimize Ability To Be Vulnerable
00:05:18 - Sign #5: Intermittent Reinforcement
00:06:19 - Sign #6: Fear Of Connecting
00:07:11 - 14-Day Free Trial: Coregulation Course
00:07:28 - Sign #7: Minimize Problems In Relationships
00:08:34 - Sign #8: Fear Of Enmeshment
00:09:46 - Sign #9: Quick Exit
00:09:52 - Sign #10: Not Communicating Needs
00:10:45 - Lifetime Promo
00:12:50 - Conclusion
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Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
I created the Personal Development School, an online learning platform that gives users the ability to create true and long-lasting change in their lives through personal development courses that are designed to give you a breakthrough in every area of your life, with a 99.7% satisfaction rate.
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#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #DismissiveAvoidant #DismissiveAvoidantAttachment #DismissiveAvoidantCourse

[@wonderfullymade6573]

This whole entire list is how my last relationship went. I should be over and healed from the pain of them walking out on me, but I'm not. And I want to understand him on a deeper level, but he never really let me. I refuse to beg for it, though. It's so weird because so much of me misses the connection, but so much of me is very angry.

[@therocknrollcook]

I can relate to this. Mine was 52 years old. Beautiful on the outside but empty on the inside in terms of letting me in. 8 months into it, when feelings got real, he bounced,over and done. . . Ugh😢😢😢😢😢

[@Innergy_fit]

You perfectly described how I also feel after being dumped by my DA ex 3 days ago. I’m sorry that you also had that experience. It’s painful to feel left out in the cold during the relationship, even when meeting them with patience and kindness, they take it for granted..I wish you healing ❤

[@shanekajordan802]

I am going through these same feelings

[@LG-ly7di]

I can relate to every word of this comment! Especially about missing the connection, but being really angry at the same time!

[@0Demiyah0]

In my previous relationships, I noticed that the anger and resentment I felt after the relationship was over has been mostly related to the dissappointed and anger I feel towards myself for having allowed so many of my boundaries and needs to have been shunned and broken. I exhausted myself to please my partner and be "good enough", and still got the short end of the stick. That is infuriating! That is so awfully heartbreaking! In the last relationship where I was dumped by my DA, I was for the first time in my life an SA and able to respond to the break-up from an SA perspective. I just said to him: "OK, this hurts, but I accept it". He expected me to cry, barter, beg, negotiate, throw a tantrum... nothing of that... so he questioned me and said it does not seem like how a person would react if they truly loved him. I told him "I may not agree with your decision or understand the fashion in which you break up with me, but it is your life and you think this is what is best for you. I respect and love myself, so what else is there for me to say other than OK." I think he was so stunned how I handled it. Three days later he already regretted it. He admitted three months later that he had not been a good partner to me and his fears had gotten the better of him. I felt fine about myself even if I got dumped. I think that for once I was boundaried and in touch with myself enough to know my own value and be empathic with the fact I was already discontent with aspects of the relationship. I had no confusion and my self-esteem did not even take a hit.

[@rachhhh9722]

Watching with subtitles and instead of dismissive avoidants it said miserable buttons 😂. I think im gonna call them that now

[@LenkaSingh-gl2be]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@LenkaSingh-gl2be]

That's basically what they are. Those buttons 😊

[@jillhodgson3221]

😂😂😂

[@afterdinnercheesesnack]

You gave me such a good laugh through my tears and I desperately needed that. Miserable Buttons is the only name for DA that exists to me now lol

[@marleyisms]

Thank you for this. I'm going through this and I think I'm at 9-10 with my DA. I am exhausted and none of my needs are being met. I can't talk about anything. Anytime I mention anything that we could work on, he dips for days. When I pull away he senses it and comes back. I don't like the pulling and pushing and running. After 90-days I think it's in my best interest to cut and run. While I can see him slowly opening up, it's not in a way that's good for my emotional well-being. I'm secure, but if I continue dealing with this type of relationship, I won't be much longer.

[@SK-no2pp]

Why do you keep continuing a relationship with someone who is clearly not meeting your needs? Stop doing mental gymnastics. Unless he is actively working on himself or in therapy, he is emotionally unavailable

[@marleyisms]

@@SK-no2pp ❤️ thank you. I'm there now. I'm working on healing myself I've gone no contact and plan on remaining that way.

[@crimsonkrimson]

Run. You will thank yourself later

[@marleyisms]

@@crimsonkrimson ❤️

[@maryqc8418]

Back out of you can. Do it. Save yourself. Please .

[@Regina.Clarke]

For anyone wondering if the lifetime membership is worth it, just do it. I signed up a year ago, and it was life changing. The courses taught me a great deal as a fearful avoidant. It helped me in all areas of life.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thanks for your comment Regina!

[@rebeccaburns586]

Yes!!! I am doing that next

[@GEOFFAMORTON]

The more time and space I get, the less interested I feel in understanding them or how to navigate them. Honestly, next time I meet one I think I’ll keep an eye out for the signs and simply jettison them when I realize exactly what I’m dealing with.

[@hanchohal]

I’m a dismissive avoidant. I just get so scared, and I’m afraid of letting people in and fear of them leaving. I’d like to be better, thank you for your videos.

[@gracechan3039]

When someone who you have pushed away finally leaves, what is the feeling afterwards? Asking as someone this recently happened to.

[@jacqqulen9106]

​@@gracechan3039 'well that's inevitable'

[@moderngoblin]

I’m a dismissive avoidant and I absolutely love it! I hope you can change if that’s your desire but to anyone else out there like me it’s okay to be yourself! Not everyone is for everyone!!!

[@drivesanoldcar]

Hey, you're not goofy. You are looking for luv:) We will get there one day.

[@freepressright]

​@moderngoblin do you engage in long-term relationships? How do you justify the hurt that you will eventually cause someone.

[@colinclarke3338]

The hardest thing for a DA to do is to support their partner when the partner genuinely needs it. They can’t give to others.

[@eloisemarie5219]

They can't give to others? Wow😖 I would say a DA that is working on themselves needs to have a clear road map for what their partner wants. Once my partner tells me what they need or want, then I give it to them. As long as I'm not expected to be a mind reader, then I can and willingly give.

[@colinclarke3338]

@@eloisemarie5219 I'm happy that you have experience. I've been married to a DA for 32 years and I can tell you that she is only now interested in working on herself, but it involves leaving me to be on her own. I'm a police veteran who has diagnosed PTSD, but is still working (new industry) and functioning, but when I go to my wife for a simple hug, or ask her to sit at the table to eat and share about the day, I get shut down. She would rather sit on the couch to eat and do puzzles, than open up. I understand that being with someone who is broken is hard work, but it shouldn't require pleading and begging to simply sit at the table and talk, or give a hug at the end of a hard day. I express my needs, but she wasn't interested, that's what DA stands for. My experience, not yours.

[@sstruth27inclusive60]

Couldn't be there for me at a family funeral. Was with them 7 months. I was done.

[@mgn1621]

@@eloisemarie5219 I found DA I knew would not say what his needs were then got upset when I wasn’t’reading’ him correctly. His communication a lot of times was covert. I was expected to be a mind reader

[@fsfbart]

​@@eloisemarie5219anyone who is working on themselves is capable of exceeding their expected capabilities. So the "working on themselves" part here is key

[@Damann18]

My FA told me she loved me I reciprocated because I already felt the same way. Then I started holding back slightly as I hit my last emotional defense. She told me not to hold back and encouraged me to breakdown my walls and give in. As soon as I gave in completely emotionally, she broke up with me by text the following week. Saying she couldn’t give me what I “needed” (all I had asked for was communication- the bare minimum). She refused to talk to me and have a conversation about it. Iv never been more confused in my life. 1 week “I love you give in” the following week gone. No conversation, no explanation.

[@sheliasmith2884]

Yep that's why I walked away we can't live like that I will always say they want to be alone so let them be

[@MissSuffle]

FA... Always a puzzle. Not for me (AP here). Tried and failed miserably. They were so hot and cold that they almost look like they have no identity, that I or them didn't know who they really are, constantly changing their mind about how they feel and think, and ask for a lot of security when they themselves couldn't provide any. DA is at least consistently emotionally stunted. FA is a roller coaster and they will take your heart on a ride. No gracias.

[@sf808opalaman]

That’s the DA way… Daddy issues? ADHD

[@jeffreymerson8425]

Hang in there, young brother. You’re better off withOUT that one! Regardless of if she IS or ISN’T a DA, your ex just seems (based on your post) a BAD person. Be better by choosing better… THEN open up. God Bless You! 🙄 🙏

[@roshalllambert]

Thais explaining DAs inner mind like a pro!!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@krissyhall2838]

1 year no commitment but was acting like we were in a relationship.Had to cut it off.

[@QueenDeeTV]

Same. 9 months smh. Just left him on Tuesday smh it’s rough

[@spiritwanderer777]

I really wanted to use your tips with my partner, I really did :( but she refused to admit that she has anything to improve or work on and said that I'm abusive for even suggesting such topics to her. I ended the relationship on that day because I didn't see any hope without therapy :( She was pushing me away and distancing herself for months already, last two weeks we didn't even talk because she was busy but that day she admitted she talked to a random girl she met for 5 hours. I couldn't take it anymore... I deserve more. She hated me so much for constantly asking for more connection and intimacy. So much hatred from someone really does a lot of damage..your videos saved me from going insane. I singed up for the personal development course.

[@DeannaB-sq8xn]

You just described the relationship I just ended to a T. I couldn’t tolerate all the ambivalence. Didn’t even know about attachment styles. Now I can forget about him and move on!!! Thank you soooo much for this video!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're so welcome Deanna, glad we can be of good value to you :)

[@teresacondon33333]

I totally feel u... I'm flabbergasted cannot deal with their avoidance. feel have 2 put me first.

[@TheCoffeeCat]

Very accurate, Thais, thank you! Yep, my DA relationships all seemed like a blur of: everything great for a while, then silent treatment storm and fleeing from connection repair, then quick exit due to "you aren't listening to me", and me trying to guess what their silence was saying that I wasn't listening to, because there were never any words.

[@baeyanka5264]

They like using that statement ....just listen to me and everything gonna be better....I'm a man u should listen to me....lies bullshit

[@katieandnick4113]

They do not exist in reality. My husband was a DA, and he can talk very openly now about how out of touch with reality he was for the majority of his life. They enter into a fantasy world as small children(hell, maybe even as babies), as a defense against all of the trauma they experience, and when they finally meet someone who lives more in the real world, they become resentful that you are trying to pull them into reality. I think DAs have the most objective trauma of any attachment style, which means that any partner they have will live more in reality than they do. It’s very sad. It wasn’t until i learned about childhood trauma and could really feel compassion for my husband that he finally started to heal. I did expect too much from him, but when I stopped expecting anything, he actually started to be capable of more. I began to look at him like a wounded child rather than a peer. That can be very hard to do with a DA because they project this air of indestructibility, but it’s all a defense to protect themselves from ever hurting the way they did as a child again.

[@TheCoffeeCat]

@@katieandnick4113 I'm sorry to hear that. It must be very hard to not have a husband as a peer, but as a wounded child. Not much attraction left in that setup. I understand what you said - it seems it befalls on the rest of us to treat them like a mother would. Personally, I've given up on all relationships because of avoidants and the pain a relationship with them brings.

[@drivesanoldcar]

outstanding @@katieandnick4113

[@zeusimgreek2619]

Just don’t get involved not worth it at all enjoy your life and self improve and wait till someone can meet your needs and both be in a place of high emotional intelligence and both giving to each other life is hard enough as it is with avoidants but harder being in a relationship to one learned after 2 years to enjoy being single and breaking up with her was the best decision for myself

[@seowweetang2253]

You can't avoid your way into a healthy relationship. Remember that. Better to let avoidants be and find someone who will show up for you. Even if an avoidant is self aware and seeking help, it'll take years, even decades before they can show up for you - all the while, they might just up and leave. Can you live like that?

[@sheliasmith2884]

Amen

[@mariana4095]

True. My ex avoidant was in therapy and he left nonetheless.

[@seowweetang2253]

@mariana4095 I just learnt my avoidant friend from dance just broke up with her partner despite I'm the one who made her aware she's an avoidant. While she's seeking therapy, I guess its in avoidant's bones. Her boyfriend, well ex, is also in the dance group, absolutely adores and spoils her! So you can see, with an avoidant, its hopeless. It's like getting therapy for height phobia. It's not an easy process and it'll take a lifetime of therapy. Are you willing to wait a lifetime for a maybe?

[@rey_nemaattori]

That's why marriage is dead and everybody is just doing situationships: the significant other can just pack their shit and leave at any time.

[@mesCheerios]

Your wording of "they CAN up and leave " makes me concerned that you think people shouldn't have a choice about whether they are in a relationship or not

[@P___999]

Really cool to see how your brand is expanding to support everyone who wants help. Good stuff, Thais.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Our pleasure!! ❤❤

[@timelordthefirst4835]

My AP ex did make me cry at the end of the relationship and i hated myself for crying infront of her.

[@megyalilaballad]

You put so much effort in your videos. Planning, material, recording, editing, uploading. Day in. Day out. Know that your work and effort is appreciated.

[@lucrecepatrick9234]

You communicate your needs, your wants and all... And people take it as a mean to hurt you. Bref. Life is great!

[@nicolasvankalck802]

Thank you so much for posting this

[@lafemmeprada8]

You are right on the money Thais!

[@saharaofthedeep]

Your words honestly just fall together to perfectly omg

[@pcdcma]

Thank you so much for this (and the other videos you have been posting). Being an AP who is trying to maintain a relationship with a person that is a mix of FA/DA it really helps me not to take certain things personally and understand them. I definitely see those sabotage techniques happening over and over again since after the 1st months of the relationship. I try to convey as much as possible that I’m there to listen and support, but I feel like he really doesn’t want to let me in. Still, watching your videos builds up knowledge and understanding and I thank you so much for that. Congratulations on the expansion and I hope it continues to grow as well - you deserve it!

[@drivesanoldcar]

Thank you for posting this.

[@showboat92]

Very enlightening video!

[@timmyallen]

Thank you, this gives a lot of clarity.

[@TheThinkingMathematician]

Best advice you gonna get - DONT DATE Dimissive avoidants. Let them live alone - you deserve to be happy

[@harlemw651]

😂🎯🎯

[@careitina1412]

A DA in relationships reminds me of a child playing with cats- some kids can throw them,pull their tale,and torture them; you can tell the child is not doing it on purpose,he genuenly lacks empathy ; same with DA's- I can sens he doesn t do anyhing on purpose to hurt me.Still, as soon as they see a new ,,shiny" object they throw you away,they ask you to marry them, than break it off; they show you affection than act as if you are a stranger to them. I really felt like a tortured cat in a kid's arms all the way long. It is difficult to see this 6 years old child emotional intellect in the beginng,because they present themselves as adults.So you wrongly fall in love with an ,,adult" non- existent version of them.

[@jessp8238]

I think your definitely on to something! The ex-DA told me verbatim as he set up another gf that he “wasn’t ready to grow up”. He was sobbing as he tried to reel me in, so I finally realized I was taking to a grown child 😢

[@careitina1412]

@@jessp8238 Wow.A sobbing DA is a scene I think I will never ever see.

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

I think that maybe I'm possibly a type of person who wants to help others, like I believe you said before that you are. I believe you said you tend to want to help everyone. I'm guessing this is why you are one of my favorite discoveries on this KZbin. This must be one reason why I'm drawn to certain people. I do feel like I must be like minded/ hearted with you. That sounds so positive & appealing,the way you describe PDS & the others there also❤

[@biancasantiago8822]

Please, can you make a video about financial issues in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant? I don't know if you made a video about that, but nowadays i really feel like financial sabotage is a subject that need more and more attention in my relationship with my bf.

[@noteworthymusicacademy796]

This would be great. I am married to a man who is diagnosed with intimacy anorexia which I feel like is an extreme form of DA. He made me solely responsible for the money from day one. If I tried to talk to him over the last 20 years he shuts down. He refuses to leave his low paying job because if he feels it is his calling but he isn’t bringing in enough income to pay the bills and he wants me to keep homeschooling our kids and working my part time self employment job. He doesn’t want anything to change but we are going under financially and I cannot seem to work enough hours to make up for the lack of salary on his part now that economics are changing. I feel he does it as a way to prevent divorce. If I cannot afford to divorce him and live alone and if I believe he does not make enough to live alone, I will feel sorry for him and keep him around because the only way we can creep by is “together”. I have worked us out of debt before but he doesn’t take care of his health or his car and then we get slammed with bills. It is really hard to live like this and not be able to work enough to free yourself from their financial choices.

[@user-ob8pm9yh2s]

can u plz explain it further

[@raymond4191]

Thank you :-) I learned a lot from your videos on this topic. You can't even imagine how helpful this is these days. Amazing ..

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

This is great to read Raymond ❤

[@sheliasmith2884]

This is why until they heal they should not be in any relationship. It's very hurtful 💔 for us who loves them when they act this way.

[@katieandnick4113]

I truly don’t think they can heal outside of a relationship, and I don’t think most can heal inside of one. They project this air of indestructibility, which makes it so difficult for their partners to have compassion for them, and compassion is what they need in order to heal. My husband was a DA when we met, and probably for the first 14 years of our relationship. When I finally realized that I was expecting too much of him, and that because of his horrific childhood trauma, he couldn’t give me what I needed(which was to truly know him), he started to heal. They need someone to love them without expecting the same love in return. Just like they needed their mothers to love them, though their mothers could not. I no longer feel like I’m married to a stranger, which is great, but I had to accept that he would never love me the way I love him, and that’s not his fault. I truly believe he’s always done the best he could. I had parents who did love me and respect me, and he never had that. How selfish of me was it to expect that he could love me in a way he was not loved by his own mother? Nobody is perfect, but I understand people well enough to know that he is a great partner, relatively speaking.

[@msscorpio14]

Yes so hurtful. I know I hurt him by the way that I left but I couldn’t stay.

[@NormanInAustralia]

Thanks!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

thank you!!

[@Calicokitty2]

Your videos are so lifegiving! I'd like a video on how to know real love from an attachment, please.

[@nahomelion]

If both are secure, overcome the power struggle and I think time also plays a value. I’ve heard Thais say around 3 years of relationship and how you feel around that time dictates true love or not

[@jo4731]

I'd love to see a video about why dismissive avoidants get triggered by what they consider to be therapy speak? ('Trigger', 'Deep Dive', etc).. I've noticed DAs roll their eyes and shut down if you use any words they consider jargon and I'd love to understand what that's about... x

[@dragon66ize]

Im on 3rd round with DA. Thanks to you i realised after thinking i was going mad after round 1. He ditched me over this christmas,. didn't wish me happy birthday in early Jan. I only managed to stay silent after round 1 as i was so traumatised, he texted first that time. I texted 2nd after an operation and 3rd after christmas. I was missing him. I've read and taken courses watched videos for the past 8 months. I know he cares. He does things for me but never says things that would make so happy. Learned or learning if i want him he won't change. I've tried. I need to want to change too, my own self value. Only online as both disabled with mobility issues. I can see the good of what's inside him, he's 53. I think he knows i know as hyper aware if i try any phrases etc to try and get closer emotionally, and of course punishes me with silence if i do....i can't seem to get through as he is quite happy the way he is. Trauma bond...i was secure before this. But convinced in the way some of us are that i can be the one who changes him, if only he could just see....

[@antiprismatic]

Learning self advocacy is important.

[@rubenclark4763]

Can you make a video on the crushing stages?

[@sifublack192]

Listening to this video as DA leaning person, I probably would've fallen into these traps had I not stopped caring what others thought of me. Good thing I rose above the approval of others and started fearlessly speaking my mind.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

congrats ❤

[@senvirith1973]

Inception is a masterpiece.

[@JA99]

My DA did all of these things. I said them throughout the relationship as they were happening as I did not know about attachment styles until recently, but he is textbook DA. Now he ran and broke up with me. Do they ever gain any self awareness?

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Everyone has their own realizations at different times. Yes, we have DAs in the school who are working.have worked on their attachment style.

[@ZhengSW]

Surprisingly they do, there are lots of DAs in PDS and you see lots of hope from them. Our DAs however might take 4 years or more to realize and see it themselves. They probably have to go through other relationships and we could be their phantom ex.

[@0Demiyah0]

Yes, they do gain self-awareness. And whether it is this experience or the next, a break-up is usually one of those pivatol moments where someone sees that their modus operandi cannot last into the future and they have to change.

[@P___999]

My DA ex was aware he had a problem and took full responsibility for the failure of his marriage to his ex-wife. I thought that self-awareness would eventually translate to growth, but he wasn't ready to do the work. Until they commit to healing and take ACTION, things will stay the same.

[@dragon66ize]

​@P___999 perfect but soul-destroying phrase "thought that self- awareness would turn into growth"....make all your comment a big comment not an answer, it deserves it. It helped me.

[@stelitamarie]

Can we know the lipstick combo you are wearing ?

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

The best discovery during the pandemic for me is PDS. It gave me key information abt self and other for a long time!

[@danwilliamson1846]

Yip she left n blocked me cos I wanted more intimate connection, she called it pick pick pick 😢 she couldn't handle it so she had an emotional outburst n shut it down blaming me for overthinking all the time 😢

[@sheliasmith2884]

Let her move the he'll own

[@ShadrockMarciano]

Thais, great video as usual, thank you for this. You mentioned flaw finding however could you next touch on how DAs will even flaw find on their partners' "imperfections" on different aspects such as physical and even devalue their partner as likely a reason to distance from their partner and self sabotage

[@belonging9200]

Yes, I would like to understand that too

[@cmdcxx]

Is there a video about how to recover from that as their ex partner?

[@user-zy6ni7ze4j]

Hi, I would need a road map on how to deal with a DA. I love my husband of 33 years and I would like to help him but he is not open to do the work himself. I am not expecting magic but a little improvement would be nice.

[@troyehnisz9907]

I have been dating someone for 6 months and I feel things aren’t moving forward will things change or do I need to move on

[@leslieharari8755]

I love your content. I wish your speaking voice was more clear.,possibly slower and better mike. Maybe it's just me?

[@blessedbee186]

Its her vocal fry

[@cait5938]

Does anyone know where to find the coregulation course? I can’t see it on the website 😊

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

go to the webinar library and type "regulate" into the search bar: university.personaldevelopmentschool.com/pages/webinar-library

[@MD-gk2un]

Four years of patience with my DA and for all of our intimacy he wiped the slate clean. He cried and it made me fall in love with him then he acts like it never happened. We can foreplay and be silly, we can cry together, and he goes back to it never happened. Every time we get close enough to make me feel warm and excited and turned on he ghosts and resets things to friendzone. Maddening.

[@cameron529]

She was a DA im. Ap we were long distance for 2 years. Everything was good so i perposed in november. Dec 17th we argued about her not calling when she said she would and just like that ended things in a text but made sure to wish me a merry Christmas on the 25th and said i love u and disappeared. Wtf

[@sstruth27inclusive60]

I say why let me fall in love with you then totally become distant avoidant etc. The ehole gambit. Why! Well warching all these videos about DA explains it but Lord it hurts and i didnt derserve it. Only to find out your a DA after you pushed me to the breaking point of having to walk away for my own mental health and sanity. Threw in my white towel i cant give anymore of myself with no reciprocation.

[@user-ws4iv8rn7t]

Same here hit breaking point too much emotional pain I walked away for my own sanity

[@spiritwanderer777]

Same here :( I had to walk away, it became pure hate filled insanity with zero connection.

[@sstruth27inclusive60]

@spiritwanderer777 was the fact there was zero connection because they won't put the effort? For that's what it was she put in minimal if any effort then push me away.

[@spiritwanderer777]

@@sstruth27inclusive60 yes that's exactly what happened. minimal effort and continuous pushing away

[@sstruth27inclusive60]

@spiritwanderer777 right so that is why there ended up being connection we can't have connection if we don't spend time together right!!!! Like wth

[@MZSINCE89]

Can someone plz explain to me why my avoidant "situationship" has a problem with being precise about anything....he is repairing my car after an accident and I have spent the last 3 days trying to get a date and time to give him my car and he can't for the life of him give me a specific time and date.....its always "Oh I thought you were busy today so I didn't tell you to bring it" and when I say I'm not dropping it off anymore....he has a fit and doesn't understand why I don't want to see him!! Is this normal for a DA to be soo indecisive and flaky??

[@sherillherwig2901]

How do I heal a FA-FA relationship when my spouse has said enough with the cycle which I think must be our push-pull. It's been our whole 17 year relationship. We love each other very much, but he is moving out and separating so he can work on getting mentally healthy. I have been a clingy mess (big surprise) and now I am starting to wall off (also big surprise). Your videos have made me understand our dynamic so much better and I wish I'd had them years ago. But my main concern right now is healing my self and saving my marriage. What do I need to do.....please tell me what he needs from me right now, what does he need to see to ensure him that we can repair. I'm not fawning (I don't think), I'm trying to understand. I DO absolutely want to do the work to go from a FA to a securely attached person. Please please HELP!

[@Alexandermhinton]

You cannot prevent dismissive avoidants from sabotaging intimacy

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

I see all these things happening and can usually tune in to what is going on! But as the other person in this relationship, other than patience, understanding, support and giving space, are there specific strategies for responding helpfully to them which will engender their growth towards relating in a secure way?

[@slaveofAllahAlAzeezAlHakeem]

Unfortunately, as much as we love them we can't take the journey for them. We can tell them but must honor and value our own boundaries. Its hard but worth it. And also as cliche as it sounds if it's meant to be, it will. I wish you all the best .

[@0Demiyah0]

​@@slaveofAllahAlAzeezAlHakeem I agree with this comment. It is a fine balance to find between offering the emotional safety where being flawed and imperfect is still granted acceptance, acknowledgement and respect. While simultaneously knowing your boundaries and needs and being able to communicate those and hold consequences without being judgemental. In moving towards security, avoidants need a very clear blueprint of what the expectations and consequences are without making them wrong or judging them for being wherever they are at on their personal journey. Only then are they able to evaluate what is on offer and what is at stake while discerning their own will and motive to change. Typically this means you have to be able to possess the inner-security, self-regulation and depersonalization skills to dismantle the need on their end to continue an insecure approach. If you react insecure to their insecurity, you will both continue to excuse your insecurities while blaming the other. If you are stable, boundaried and warm person who does not lower themselves to insecure reactions, then the other person will over-time lose the urge to react insecure and the contrast between you two allows them to reflect differently on their own approach. In most relationships, neither possess this willpower to remain secure regardless of the other person's insecurity, and will not find healing together.

[@SK-no2pp]

Is this relationship meeting your needs and wants? Do you feel loved and valued? This isn’t a parent child dynamic. Love is free and unconditional. However, adult romantic relationships are NOT. They require a balanced give and take, honesty, vulnerability

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

@@SK-no2pp Thankyou. Yes, I do feel loved and valued, accepted, appreciated and respected. I just love spending time with him and if it just stays as a lovely friendship I'm ok with that because I'm not a young person looking for a life-partner for years ahead. If anything more comes of it it would be wonderful but every day I will enjoy what we have.

[@sheliasmith2884]

@SK-no2pp right and love is not suppose to hurt.

[@jaytan915]

Major sabotage would be betrayal, disrespect and gaslighting. The personality imperfections can be worked at if they are not dealbreakers for the other person. You can't develop a relationship with someone who is uninterested but what if the avoidant behaviour manifest a decade or two later when there are children involved?

[@cheryl2675]

What would be some examples of childhood emotional neglect? The DA I’m involved with came from a loving family, whose parents seem to have nurtured him and his siblings. I’m so puzzled to know how his emotional trauma came about. Lord knows he won’t tell me. I feel for all the ones trying to understand DA’s! It’s really an emotional rollercoaster.

[@coreyhull8658]

So I am an anxious preoccupied. I came from a very loving family but have a fear of abandonment. Mt parents actually forgot about me and left me a couple different times when I was little. Also I have been abandoned by an ex in high-school that really shook me up. So it can be anything for him really. My recent ex is a DA maybe fearful. She grew up with a great family but her mom is a DA so very hard on relationships so made her hard on relationships. My ex was also rapped in college. So lots of trauma! Breaks my heart!

[@cheryl2675]

@@coreyhull8658​​⁠I commend you for wanting to move past your experiences. It takes a lot of faith and trust to push forward when things seem uncertain. Seeing the aftermath of someone’s personal trauma is heartbreaking for sure. As an empath (or even a human with a beating heart), we want to try and heal but it’s such a struggle with DA’s in particular because they are so emotionally disconnected. I just hope they (DA’s) recognize it, do the internal work themselves and push past whatever it is that’s holding them back, so they don’t miss out on memories and great experiences to be had with people who truly care about them. Thank you for your insight 🙏🏽

[@coreyhull8658]

@@cheryl2675 you are welcome! Thank you for your insight! We are all in this together!

[@cheryl2675]

@@coreyhull86581000%!!

[@teresacondon33333]

do you do any one on one trainings? too difficult to handle

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

I do not at this moment as I put all my focus and energy into creating courses and live webinars. We do have 4 in-house coaches who I have personally trained that you can work with. Click the link and you can book a free intro sesison with any of them. They are all wonderful. Good luck university.personaldevelopmentschool.com/pages/attachment-coaching

[@teresacondon33333]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool thanks for the info maybe I will 😬🤗🤍

[@DimitriVegasShmigg]

As a DA, it makes me giggle that the captions on the vidoe say 'miserable buttons' instead of dismissive avoidants haha

[@evaantonsen1974]

I’m a DA and working hard on myself. Your videos are really helpful in doing just that. BUT I’m really struggling with different concepts that you mention all the time. For example; Intellectually I know the difference between independence and interdependence, but I don’t fully understand it. I’ve always been very independent and I don’t know what it looks like being interdependent. I mean, I don’t know how to ‘outsource’ my independence to my partner. How do I do that? I could never truly let go of depending on myself, and depending on my partner for something will never be anything but ‘pseudo independence’ because deep down, I will always rely on myself. I simply don’t understand the concept of depending on someone else. Can you explain the concept in a video? With very concrete examples, please?

[@ianmcnally8501]

If you live together put your lover in charge of something that you usually control and see how that feels?

[@GeoffreyAngapa]

Some of our needs cannot be met by ourselves. This is part of the human experience, and why we need others. If that were not true, everyone would be happy living alone or on an island. Even from society, we rely on so much outside ourselves, though we may not see it that way: basic things like water, electricity, food, technology, etc. In a relationship, it would mean a balanced give and take, allowing our partner to meet our deepest needs, and meeting theirs. One does not exist without the other. Another way of looking at it is like a team: passing the ball back and forth rather than just holding it by oneself. As the previous commenter said, allow your partner to take on some things important to you, and slowly grow used to their doing it. I wish you and your partner the best. May you have love and happiness.

[@anber4129]

hi :) i am FA with a lot of DA tendencies. 😊 I struggled for many years with the interdependent thing and still do. It is very, very hard to fix. My way I try to fix it is to “let go of control”. Dont dump someone because they pushed ur buttons, communicate so they know what’s bothering you. Also, a tough one is to start labeling your feelings with emotional words and let the other person respond. Dont fear that they will embarrass you or think less of you because you have emotions, just force yourself and see what happens. To this day, the interdependence is difficult for me but I am learning every day

[@CM-tg6co]

Is there anyway to salvage a relationship with them? I’m anxious and working on secure. He is DA and knows there’s a problem but is scared to change

[@ZhengSW]

If they are still communicating with you, you can for sure salvage it but it's important to give them lots of space.

[@intentionalparenting2605]

@@ZhengSWthe more space you give the more they get comfortable in that space. Yes, allow space but don’t neglect your needs while doing so. They have to learn to peruse and know when to get out of there own way when they have space or else you’d be a total wreck chasing.

[@0Demiyah0]

In my experience: so long DA do not experience emotional safety in the relationship to be flawed and still acknowledged and accepted, they will have no incentive to lower their barriers to do the inner-work in that connection. They might do that inner-work separate from the connection if the pain is enough for them to change, but so long there is attachment trauma on your side fueling their attachment trauma, they will constantly feel pressured and forced to do something at a pace that feels violating to them.

[@SK-no2pp]

Do they want to salvage the relationship? Are they meeting you half way? Do you feel loved and supported? Are you initiating most of the time?

[@sshuteandrew]

Run. A relationship takes two and a DA will destroy the relationship every time. You deserve better.

[@anber4129]

i sometimes get afraid to comment and maybe i will delete :) i am a FA :o) I think more times than not, i behave closer to a DA over an AP. the guy i have been w for two years appears DA to me… :) i think a part of him feels secure and safe w me because i am predominantly leaning DA but can have times when i need him/lean on him (AP, or maybe secure parts of myself). I am very independent and tend to be non committal. Overall, I am happy w him and do see a romantic future w him. Over these two years, he and I have only gotten closer. I hope to get more closer w him :))

[@eatpraylovetube2146]

❤❤❤

[@CatsAreTheBestPeople-mm1fo]

Question: What happens when two DAs end up "together"? (Quotation marks, because as we know, it would present as a very non-committal, ambiguous arrangement...) Does all hell break lose? Or does it actually suit them to be paired with someone who mirrors their own fears and need for distance? And what does the fallout of a double-DA break-up look like?

[@kimmylaw3558]

I read an article on this, it said they rarely end up in relationships together! Usually they will date anxious attachments.

[@CatsAreTheBestPeople-mm1fo]

@@kimmylaw3558 Interesting. Thanks for your reply.

[@drivesanoldcar]

married 25 years two kids then divorce uncontested split

[@daliaabdelhafize5143]

Does your site support OTP ?

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

not sure what that is

[@JennyLynnMinistries]

Can you please do a video of the difference between narcassist and Dissmissive avoidant? There seems to be alot of similarities...

[@cornwallismorgan874]

She's already made several about this topic, and the takeaway is that narcissists are significantly more likely to be FA or AP.

[@lime148]

@@cornwallismorgan874 Uh oh... you weren't supposed to point that out.

[@cornwallismorgan874]

@@lime148 Yeah I know. Cue the AP hoarde coming after me like I killed someone's kid. XD

[@katieandnick4113]

I do agree with that, but I think DAs are more likely to be sociopaths. The primary difference between a sociopath and a narcissist is that narcissists believe they need people more than sociopaths do. We all need people because we are pack animals, so I guess DAs are more delusional than narcissists in that regard. And a sociopath can vacillate in their degree of narcissism as well. What I think happens with DAs when they are in relationships is that they become more narcissistic and more aware of their need for people, and that scares them so much that they have to end the relationship so they can go back to their fantasy world where they don’t need anyone. Most people think of sociopaths as these dangerous criminals, but this is absolutely not true. From my perspective, sociopaths simply have the core, unconscious belief that they are bad. This can lead to them becoming dangerous, but it doesn’t usually. They are more of a danger to themselves than to anyone else. I think narcissists also have this core belief, but layered on top of it is a belief that they are wonderful. And so again, a sociopath can become more narcissistic if they spend time with someone who makes them feel good about themselves, and a narcissist can become more antisocial if they spend too much time alone, or with someone who makes them feel bad about themselves. What narcissists got in childhood that sociopaths did not was conditional praise and validation. Sociopaths didn’t get praise or validation at all. I am married to a man who was DA when we met. I have no idea what his attachment style would be, independent of me, but I can imagine that if he found himself single again, he wouldn’t be secure. His childhood trauma was too intense.

[@goofysloth]

I have a question, my FA ex want to be friends after we have tried multiple times working on the relationship to work but she goes back to pulling away every time. After we talked last night, she asked me just to be friends because she really wanted me to be close to her but she say she can’t be in a relationship. I love her and I told her that I can’t just be around for a friendship until I can remove my feelings for her because it’s really painful been around her knowing that I can’t be with her. I told her that I prefer for us not to be in contact because is painful for me. I told her that I really want to be there for her but I need to get my feelings for her out of me. My question is, keeping a friendship could help her in some point feeling safe with me enough to wanting a relationship or it’s better just leaving the relationship once and for all? And if I’m able to have my feelings out of me… and not minding a friendship later on, then to come back just as friends? It’s so difficult to figure this out. Please, let me know what maybe a good solution for this. Thank you so much for all your valuable time and videos. Keep up with the good work! Sorry for my English. My first language is Spanish.

[@sairaphilip437]

Not a good idea to stay friends. Sounds like you may always have hope or feelings for her. Please don't allow yourself to be strung along or used. Even if you got back together after being friends, she'll find a will likely find a way to kill the relationship. When this happens her feelings will be fine. You will be left with even more pain. Please take the time out to heal yourself instead.

[@goofysloth]

@@sairaphilip437 thank you so much for your help.

[@Hisdaughter85]

I’m going through a similar problem myself right now. My ex and I were friends before dating, and it was mostly a great relationship. However when it came to emotions, he would rush commitment, say I love you but when I say it back, he pulls back. Then he realises he does love me, then 6 weeks later decides we were better as friends. He tries to win me back, then changes his mind again. I agreed to friendship because I didn’t want to lose my friend too, but honestly as time goes on it’s causing me more pain. He said same things like your ex, he cares for me, wants to be friends, needs me in his life and I mean so much to him. Yet he’s grown distant and it’s like I’m being rejected all over again, so it’s making it harder to heal from the breakup. It’s entirely up to you, because everyone is different, but now I understand through videos like this that he’s FA, I’m walking away so he cannot continue to keep hurting me with his actions. Knowing what I know now, it’s better to walk away and fully heal rather than being hurt by someone over and over again, who doesn’t mean to do it but still causes you heartache. Thinking of you, know your struggle right now and we will get over this soon!

[@goofysloth]

@@Hisdaughter85 Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It helps a lot! I may do the same. Walking away is hard but necessary to not let it happen again and again. The distancing every time you get close it’s too painful.

[@muliczakatalin8247]

I am a dismissive avoidant so I definitely understand sabotage of intimacy. I do it with anyone, but really anyone I do not feel attracted to.

[@lindsay3793]

What if you were attracted to them in the beginning?

[@muliczakatalin8247]

@@lindsay3793 I would do my best to keep my relationship save.

[@sairaphilip437]

​@@lindsay3793The attraction will normally die a natural death at some point after the honeymoon phase. The partner of an avoidant may not realise this sadly.

[@amiliaazahari1727]

Is it because you attracted to them at first when you the one has to chase them. Then, gradually. When you feel they head over heals for you the attraction just gone? Bcz you can't sabotage intimacy when there's no intimacy to begin with.

[@muliczakatalin8247]

​​@@amiliaazahari1727I do not understand what you mean at all, so I can't relate.

[@dr.bonscott3962]

When i tell my DA i need intamacy, sex yes, but not only sex. Thr bond of acceptance and closeness with eachother. To her she hears "its only about sex" Then shell ask, "well, how often do we have to have sex? Once a week? Once a month? Everyday?" I dont even know how to explain it to her. I feel like it shouldnt have to be some scripted forced awkwardness. To me, it should be a natural occurrence. So ultimately what ends up happening is nothing at all. I end up stuck in my head asking if shes just not attracted to me?.. if theres something else happening that i dont know about? (Believe me, there have been multiple RED FLAG instances that had just enough grey area for me to not pull the plug) It feels obvious to me that she doesn't take my needs as any type of a priority. Theyve been successfully DISMISSED & AVOIDED. Self esteem has probably never been lower.. its fucking hell. .. yet, i love her. ☠️

[@dallo6196]

My ex who I think was a DA said some odd stuff on a trip, we went on a hiking trip with a group of friends 12 maybe 13 of us and at dinner the group was talking about marriage and children, and just for a little back story my ex had bin married b4 we dated, but anyways while we was at dinner we went to the bar to get drinks and while at the bar my ex turned and said to me maybe you should get with one of the other girls on the trip because she wants to get married and have more children, I was like wtf! Then we went back to the table me shocked she’s said this, then later that night when we got in to bed she then said I’ll fix you up with the same girl from earlier! This now upset me think why would you even say this to your bf, and still to this day I still love my ex but I still dunno why she behaved the way she did ? Any thoughts ?

[@tmreaves1]

Its just too much especially if a DA doesn't know this about themselves

[@user-tz1hl3pf2w]

Waste of time. No solutions offered for the partner going through this with their DA.

[@jtothec1234]

This describes my ex to a T. Left me after 8 years and engaged. I feel he was initially FA maybe, as when I would break up with him he'd beg and cry, or he would fight it out with me. Yet last remaining months, the DA side showed more. He started doing exactly what this video describes. He said he felt if we were married he'd feel trapped, thinks there is someone better out there for HIM, and said he's bad at communicating. He also said he didn't know why he couldn't be romantic/ intimate (as that was most of the arguments were about). What's weird to me is he initially wanted a break for a month because he said he didn't know if he wanted to be with me? But then proceeded to say we'll probably break up anyways. Doesn't make sense.

[@katieandnick4113]

Did you break up with him frequently? Maybe the relationship with you was so traumatic that he went from being FA(or even secure leaning anxious) to DA. Our relationships almost always impact our attachment styles. Some can make us become more secure and some can make us become less secure. DAs have more trauma than FAs.

[@jtothec1234]

@@katieandnick4113 Honestly, yes I did and can I say I'm not proud of my actions. I would just threaten it but never actually leave. Only one time, I didn't talk to him or see him for 2 days. But usually we fight it out and I end up staying. Or he also threatens to breakup but doesn't either, till now. I have anxious attachment style. I definitely see where your coming from! But I think for sure he was always either FA or DA, not secure. As the ex gf before me, he said he didn't like her anymore so he was mean to her so she'd break up with him. I also notice a lot of traits in the beginning like love bombing, his history with his parents and during the relationship surface level. Intimacy and communication wasn't really there. Felt like being with a roommate or friend. My therapist actually said what you said about relationships impacting our attachment styles. But I heard, even if I was to be secure and do the inner work (which I am now, going to therapy) that the DA/ FA will lean more to secure. But people have said if they aren't doing the work either, it just won't work. (Sorry for the long message btw lol)

[@rachhhh9722]

Will they be happy if you break up with them ?

[@katieandnick4113]

Typically, a DA does the dumping and an FA waits to be dumped. If you break up with a DA, they will want you way more than they did before. They have the lowest self esteem(which may be surprising given how confident they tend to appear), which means that the more you like them, the less they will like you. They believe, unconsciously, that anyone who likes them must not be worth dating. The more indifferent you are to them, the more attracted they will become to you. But if you do break up with them and make it clear you won’t get back together, they will probably revert back to the fantasy world they lived in before you met. They distract themselves(porn is a major way), and tell themselves they’re better off alone.

[@dragon66ize]

​@@katieandnick4113that is an absolutely perfect way to describe it. Thank you.

[@cyndijohnson5473]

Right now I’m wondering how often Avoidant Personality Disorder shows up with Dismissive Avoidant attachment style

[@konvict451]

You'll find yourself sacrificing more of yourself to these half ass narcs. Don't walk....run.

[@meepo4212]

I’ve blocked the guy I was seeing. Cut all access.

[@catierollins8493]

Let me guess, you’re an fa?

[@coreyhull8658]

So those of you that have broke up, who got there ex back? Who's ex came back and you said naw thanks? Who's ex did not come back and haven't talked to?

[@JoshuaH94]

I’m a DA, and it seems that these comment sections are filled with people who are quick to label us as the primary antagonists of a failed relationship due to our attachment styles when in fact there are SEVERAL factors outside of these that can drive us away. I generally want the best for people, but people don’t generally want the best for themselves. My life has been this tragic almost outgrowing of people every time I heal a layer of trauma and every time I make a new connection it seems that no one takes my rejection sensitivity seriously. People are warned about my complexity prior but I always get “fixxeeuppers” trying to barge their way in.

[@JoshuaH94]

I’m also diagnosed ADHD so I have this reserved tank of function that must be allocated towards myself. Every continued rejection or disappointment I suffer will take away from my tank which if not kept in check will eventually lead to my emotional collapse of my systems. It becomes almost a tug of war towards wanting to get close but every time I get close with people they fail to have their own autonomy and it’s just a drain to be around.

[@lime148]

Yep, since DAs have the balls to just drop a relationship when it's not working for them, they take on the role of being "the bad guy" and you get FAs in the comments who watch these videos not to learn why neither of them could communicate effectively but rather to hear why they're justified in thinking of themselves as the victim. Then - because the FA is completely blameless and doesn't need to do any work - they get into another relationship with a DA (since we know the two types are somehow irresistible to each other) and the cycle starts anew.

[@0Demiyah0]

The most abusive relationships in my life were absolutely not with DA. How I WISH some of my ex's would have just dumped and ghosted me. The Chernobyl-level aggressive clinging and mood swings I endured, with suicide threats if I wantef to discuss separating, and 5 years of being stalked online and offline on top of it. It was like trying to get rid of a tumor to end my first long-term relationship. I actually felt it was a breath of fresh air to date a DA afterwards, and incredibly healing. It allowed me to move from FA to SA. I have never met a DA who made me feel at risk of physical or sexual abuse. The "fight"-impulse to nervous system dysregulation seems quite solidly a non-thing with DA due to their conflict-avoidance and low apetite for rousing any drama. I think AP/FA are much more prone to domestic violence. And I think avoidants are more often than discussed the victim of that.

[@seowweetang2253]

You're the one that walked out of relationships out of your own sh1t and completely traumatise your ex partner. You're an adult, have some accountability for hurting others to no end.

[@uniquedavenport]

Both avoidants and anxious have things to work on yes even secure doesn't get it right all the time it's true that avoidnts get a bad rap but you guys are no better shaming A.P's everybody situations are different no need to personalize any attachment style if you were all perfect you guys wouldn't be here please take what resonates and leave the rest alone

[@LonerWolf1224]

Through my past experiences it's really hard to deal with any adult (30 and above) FA, DAs as they carve their beliefs almost forever rather than younger ones as they allow themselves to change in a faster and more effective way, I really had a easy time with younger ones with attachment issues..

[@cappygurl]

This only applies to those who aren't willing to change. I became earned secure at 40 yrs old after doing inner work for 2 years.

[@DFG1111]

​@@cappygurl❤Congratulations 👏 and good work! Sure it wasn't easy and still is a challenge st times. Just esnt to say thank you for sharing and healing. Gives me some faith that my cappi will make the cha ge one day as he is 42.

[@Heyu7her3]

Healing complex trauma isn't quick.

[@nicolabrittain3101]

I agree. I think my first boyfriends were DA but we're less rigid.

[@DavidFelipe03]

Put another way, they are a huge waste of time. Mad respect for those who stick around either helping them change or getting used to the inconsistency they bring.

[@drivesanoldcar]

DAs are too sensitive.

[@rachhhh9722]

They think they are stronger then everyone else and it's everyone else that is too weak but they actually are the weak ones because they are too scared to feel their feelings . My ex used to call people pussys all the time and I used to think you are the one who is scared of your quiet girlfriend who wouldn't hurt a fly .

[@sshuteandrew]

Yes, they view everything as criticism even though they are ones who are heartless to others. Emotionally anorexic.

[@drivesanoldcar]

wait a minute...they know they are weak which is why they act tough...take it from me, a DA. try and tell me something you are worried about I get traumatized and start trying to figure a solution. never can just let folks vent. its not water off my ducks back I get too worried. thats why w'r aholz we give the wrong response. then are forced to double down to save face. panic turns to bravado or anger or action. its part of the fight or flight....that being said, get a secure attachment partner. They will be better for you. @@rachhhh9722

[@drivesanoldcar]

DA's have plenty emotions they just don't know what to do with it! @@sshuteandrew

[@user-ws4iv8rn7t]

@@rachhhh9722mine told me it’s weak to cry and he wouldn’t pick up the phone and told me it’s for my own good to self soothe and it was his way of helping me We were long distance hadn’t seen him in 8 months I found the strength to walk away 3 months ago now

[@littledevil8146]

Tbh... I can't help thinking that avoidants (both DA and FA) are people who just don't need intimacy and can be happy by finding situationships. Just because a lot people around have intimate relationships, does not mean you need it too.

[@handy77]

I’m a bit disheartened at the moment because I’m just out of a relationship… But I tend to agree. I’m a DA and the relationship ended because she expected me to fully integrate into her life and spend time with her friends and family once a week coming to every event. If that’s what it takes to be in a long term committed relationship, I’m not sure I even want to change.

[@katieandnick4113]

All human beings need intimacy to feel truly fulfilled. We are very social creatures, despite what many would like to believe. DAs and FAs(to a lesser extent) live in a fantasy world. I mean, I think we all do to some degree, but they do especially. They experienced so much trauma as babies and children that they had to build a fantasy world to live in to protect themselves from their harsh realities. Telling ourselves we don’t need people is a coping mechanism to deal with the fact that they believe they don’t deserve people.

[@livewires8637]

I tapped on this video and instantly paused it. I don’t care at all what why when where whatever about what the dismissive avoidants I dealt with do. Their issues are their own to deal with and I wish them them best as far away as possible from me. And so should you. I’ve been a member of the personal development school and specifically found the shadow work course to be very helpful. Work on yourself and leave the narcissist, avoidant, toxic person in the past.

[@joygibbons5482]

Of course we sabotage intimacy. It’s creepy

[@kennycatl8067]

Slow down you sound like someone trying to auction something.