The Fearful Avoidant's Love Languages Combined with Their Needs

[@sunshinestar6076]

Before i joined the school i was never aware that i could have needs above the primary ones... i was just living on «auto pilot » like you mentioned so many times. Now that i am more and more aware of my needs, i feel like i am finally figuring out who i am as a person, i never realized that my need for contribution was so high...and it also allows me to do a cleanup around me! Thank you for all the help you bring me my dear Thais ❤️

[@belonging9200]

I'm about to join and your feedback is so encouraging. Very much looking forward.

[@sunshinestar6076]

@@belonging9200 this is the best decision you can do for yourself! It’s truly lifechanging! Make sure you join all the zoom and socials that u can cause u get A LOT from them!! All the courses are life transforming and will give u so much awareness...welcome!! ✨

[@belonging9200]

@@sunshinestar6076 ❤️🙏🏻

[@roshalllambert]

@@belonging9200 I agree with Marlene as it has been truly life changing for me too! You should definitely join the school

[@roshalllambert]

Marlene I love the way you say "my dear Thais" all the time, even while asking questions in the webinar! I know you are working so hard on yourself and I love how supportive you are as a person.

[@LoreMIpsum-vs6dx]

I want to clarify the Love Language of "Physical Touch". I think it's a lot more nuanced than some people may realize. My late wife and I shared this language. We were always in physical connection whether it was just sitting/standing side by side and leaning in to the other, holding hands, entwined on the couch watching tv, a soft caress as one passed by, twirling the other's hair while they were driving, completely wrapped up in each other while sleeping, even when we ate our feet were in contact unconsciously under the table, and of course there were the more active acts of love -- we kissed for 8 hours the first night we got together. It all really did feel like a language. God I sorely miss that.

[@ComradeFromRhody401]

That is so beautiful and I’m so grateful you had that in your life. I’m sure it is painful and you miss her but reflecting on love like that must bring comfort.

[@capriciousfawn]

I am so sorry for your loss... it is beautiful to share a language like that.

[@HappyMomof6]

This sounds absolutely Beautiful. I'm sorry you are not together to express these things 💛 Thank you for sharing 😊

[@DaniStenko]

*relationship goals*

[@thfred123]

I’m so sorry for your loss

[@hueyandmo]

As an FA, I think my love languages get warped. Touch is super important to me, but I'm also easily triggered by touch. It has to be the right person in the right setting. 99% of the time I can't let people touch me, even though I feel lonely and isolated without it. It fits with the FA theme of deeply fearing the things you want most. So it ends up with my primary need almost never being met. I do end up doing things like using a heating pad and soft blankets to feel touch in a safe way, though. I also agree with words of affirmation needing to be the right words. Most of the time, I won't trust what people say (words are wind), but if it is heartfelt and deeply meant, then I appreciate it. Quality time is my favorite because it is hard to fake.

[@smileyface702]

Yeah, i relate to what you say, especially about physical touch !!

[@ARandomAccountYT]

Yeah same

[@thomaspan6514]

My FA does not like touch. And this dislike appreared after we were getting emotionally close. Do you know how I can help improving?

[@toodismissive]

How fantastically said..I couldn't have described myself better. thank you for defining for me in a few sentences what I have been looking for all my life

[@Basscas]

@@toodismissive same here

[@diamondgarcia9409]

Alternative title: Thais describes your entire life for 14 minutes.. She's so accurate

[@Ellejas]

I feel like having the avoidant in me combined with the anxiety really helped in a way. I be stressing in my head but i never cling. Lmao

[@ladydiannayoung5116]

So true. There are positives attached to FA traits 👍🏾

[@Ellejas]

@@ladydiannayoung5116 absolutely, it makes us seem more stable at least. I get so anxious for loosing someone but i won’t reach out. Ever

[@renata5308]

Lol ok yes, this is so on point

[@Ellejas]

@@ShawnFin yes, it helped me out and the other person because what would you rather have? Somebody calling you up 50 times in a hours and stalking you? Or somebody who is giving you space ? Trust me, having an anxious attachment is not making the other person feel important, but rather you suffocate them. Nobody is doing all the work, i think is very good not to reach out all the time i feel something up my ass.(metaphorically course) Is healthier. Plus you are on a self help channel, if you expected completely healthy individuals, you shouldn’t be here.

[@semiprecious007]

@@sunbeam9222 Well aren’t you just a little ray of sunshine?

[@jarretthardcastle83]

Yup! 70% secure and 30% fearful avoidant. My love languages are 1. Quality time. 2. Physical touch. 3. Words of Affirmation. I hate shallow compliments. I definitely appreciate the compliments that let me know I am contributing something positive. Good job Thais!

[@karencoleman6800]

-Quality time -Physical touch -Words of affirmation in relation to HOW they contribute, how they are of value & about their character

[@ichingsemanal4637]

This almost makes me think that FA + DA is the worst possible combination in terms of getting needs met. FA here in a "Rona situationship" with DA... on the other hand the lack of emotional bonding makes it feels "safe" because I can jump out of it anytime or brush it off as not so significant when/if it ends, without feeling too hurt. And for some reason, there is a lot of sexual chemistry. I also take a lot of care in the way I formulate my feedback to him because you've helped me learn deep inside he is extremely sensitive. It's strangely confusing and safe at the same time.

[@HelpdeskInParadise]

Starts at 7:30

[@apr17959]

I feel so seen in this video. Thankfully I've been getting compliments on my appearance since I was a child. And it's flattering and I love being/looking beautiful. But when a person compliments me on my character, integrity or even better how I've positively impacted them or the situation, now that really feels my heart with joy.

[@Emily-kl4pj]

I’m a fearful avoidant, but I think my love language is gifts and words of affirmation. I don’t like feeling trapped in a situation, and I only want to spend time with someone if it’s something I can control the situation. Thanks for your content, I feel like it really helped me heal and understand myself.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

SO happy our content is helping you :) Thanks for being here -PDS team member

[@smonaful]

Need to control yup

[@DopeyDetector]

🙄​@@smonaful

[@CJtheRedeemer]

This video really is in divine timing. I just ended things with my DA boyfriend who I've been seperated from for a year. I figured out my main need was words of affirmation/being seen/compliments or acknowledgement and I communicated it a few months ago. He never took it seriously and I told him I was done trying this morning. Thank you for the video, It was very insightful and is bringing me a lot closer to figuring out what all my needs are, so I don't have to go through this pain again.

[@YourFeminineFrequency]

How you know the details about the words of affirmation is amazing! So spot on. I don’t need shallow compliments, they actually annoy me after a while but I do need to know I am having a positive affect on someone’s world 💛🙏 Amazing, thank you ☺️

[@lizp2512]

It cracks me up how complex the FA is. So nuanced- no wonder I never understood myself until PDS. Thank you Thais ❤️ wow they want words of affirmations that are deeper about their character. It’s so interesting because that makes me feel very seen and hence understood and accepted for who I am at my core. I love this only if I already trust “intimacy” with said person. However, if it’s from someone I am not yet “trusting” or haven’t let in .... it makes me feel “too seen” “trapped” and “on a pedestal” and feel eventually I will let them down once they see me at my core (“ i am defective”) In my mind I perceive they are only coming to these conclusions based on what they see on the surface.(my DA side kicks into high drive). maybe you can speak about how our trust and intimacy threshold plays into receiving these needs and love languages ❤️ that would be sooo interesting to me :) FA/DA here

[@PersonalStatementPros]

Thais you're contributing and you're doing a great job 👍🏼

[@reenujose4361]

4:39

[@claudiad.4850]

Wow

[@isaiahaskew5753]

I love her

[@argelisluzardo1042]

I’ll love videos more specifically about fearful avoidant that lean strongly dismissive because sometimes is so confusing about what approach should I take? Like fearful or dismissive? I think a bit more of information about the different types of each could be really educational...

[@RozCamille]

It’s insane how much this is so me. I feel understood 😢. I started learning these things about myself in my current relationship. He is quiet and doesn’t like deep conversations and debates and it’s actually driving me nuts because I feels like my need for deep conversations is not being met 😩😩

[@LoreMIpsum-vs6dx]

Wow, this is incredibly insightful, especially about the **types** of "Words of Affirmation". It's totally spot on for my needs and for the reasons Thais says.

[@adinubila]

there is also a nice way to ask for needs to be met and a wrong way that turns people off

[@RussellJones]

Your videos have been so helpful for me, but this one in particular really speaks to me. Also love how you say "I hope this makes sense." I say that all the time. And yes, you are always making sense.

[@cavelleardiel]

I need to put this on my dating profile. When and if I decide to date again.

[@chasingclouds7027]

Emotional connection and physical touch is very important to me. My ex lacked the physical touch/ hug/ rub and I became slowly detached. I longed for hugs, and I am not clingy at all. Expressing it didn’t work. Is a shame people don’t share the same love language, it would make everything so much easier rather than having to decode it all the time.

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

Something to keep in mind, is that even those of us who know what are needs are, may have some shame or doubt about anyone else meeting them. I am someone who likes to meet others needs and step up. I also have learned about identifying and expressing my own needs. I just need to get more Specific about what they look like in terms of someone meeting me.

[@smileyface702]

Wow, Thais, just when i think that i know all there is to know about my attachment style, you give me more information and you explain it so beautifully. That piece about words of affirmation makes so much sense! Deeper compliments about my character or contribution always make me feel so much more loved than the shallower compliments and sometimes the shallower compliments even make me feel slightly uncomfortable. That distinction about words of affirmation is so nuanced and so spot on!

[@katemitchell7837]

Wow, words of affirmation is my second love language and I just realized it’s about feeling like I’m contributing! Thanks for the video Thais :)

[@diamondlee625]

Please do this same video on DA and AA also. I fee like this as a FA fits me so well and everything I do is done out of a need for certainty

[@smiths698]

As a FA this is so accurate ❤

[@jovankrstic250]

Yes! Continuously getting know each other on different level!! You described it so well

[@imsunnybaby]

so helpful. and i didnt realize it, but this is the language im speaking in

[@sarahg2161]

I love how you connected these things! I fit pretty perfectly into what you described. And what you said about the types of "words of affirmation" is so spot on! I've never been able to put that into words like that! When I've asked my husband what he likes about me and says stuff like "you cook well" I'd always struggled to explain why that fell a bit flat. And what you said really hut the nail. Next time I will try to explain that I'm looking for words about what he likes about my character!

[@russride]

5 Love languages of the fearful avoidant: 1. Quality time 2. Physical touch 3. Words of affirmation 4. Acts of service 5. Gifts

[@DopeyDetector]

My girlfriends languages, in order

[@letmeseemm]

I'm a bit of anxious preoccupied & fearful avoidant mixed (but after listening to this video I feel like this better describes my needs than the anxious preoccupied one)

[@Mara_143]

Love these videos! I save my faves and re watch💖

[@lisapayne2352]

This is so me!! 😌 thank you!

[@paniq_fnite]

I am a FA leaning DA and I totally agree with everything Thais stated… it’s so spot on. 💯🙏

[@gladyswanjohi43]

This is very interesting Thais. I relate to all of these needs. But when I listened to you profile the DA, I related to that too. I'm not so sure where I fall anymore. But hopefully I will by watching more of your videos. Thanks for the super helpful content.

[@Rainbow2203]

You are so spot on. Really appreciate this insight. I can totally relate. Love it.

[@thomaspan6514]

My FA's biggest love language is definitely quality time. We spend more than 12hr/week just to chat in person. But I think physical tough is a huge trigger.

[@Magnoliasdiary]

I can't believe how accurate this is.

[@shad00w239]

Awwww i love this 🥺. Thank you!

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

I'm considering joining with a bundle...I know I need it. I currently am struggling with honoring my DA friend needing an undetermined amount of space. It's more than 4 days. I dont get why she needs weeks to not communicate and resolve. I have given like 4 days before I text or message. I see now where I messed up and some ways to help transform. I'm FA... and I miss the synergy and the secure attachment we were leaning toward before the pandemic.

[@edithhsedits226]

This is awesome!! I get soo excited learning about my attachements!! 😀😀 Thank you soo much for charing your knowledge!

[@mundomasha]

So accurate! Thank you 🙏❤️🙏

[@danaconnolly8574]

She definitely nailed it. But I have a question. Is it wrong or not normal for me as a recovering FA to really need and want that deep emotional connection and getting to know the person on a deep level? I’m always complaining to my sister that I can’t fall in love or develop feelings or attachment to someone unless they open up to me and I am able to open up to them. Surface level day to day conversations do nothing for my attraction. I can be physically attracted to them and mentally but If I don’t know them in a profound way and they don’t take the time to want to know me in a profound way then I feel I can take or leave them and I never get too attached and fall in love. Is this not normal and just an FA thing? Should I value surface level conversations more?

[@thisanonymous5956]

I feel the same exact way.

[@carolrosales1896]

I am exactly the same way. my spouse is not deep at all and it is destructive to me. I am going to get out of the marriage because I know that he is not capable of getting close to anyone.

[@carolrosales1896]

@@ShawnFin thank you!!!!! I so needed to see this. TV is all my spouse will do with me and I am leaving the relationship because my soul is dying. 😪

[@danaconnolly8574]

@Shawn F thank you! That helps to know a lot. I was questioning if my wanting more was normal. I’ve been dating this guy since November. I only see him once a week if that. Sometimes weeks in between. He texts me everyday and he made it known we are dating and getting to know one another, he surprised me for Valentine’s Day. He’s sweet and consistent. Doesn’t trigger my FA attachment style. But I’m so bored. I’m not excited to see him, I like him but all we do is talk about either food or current events or tv. Lots of tv. And if we are not at a restaurant then we watch movies or documentaries at our apts. it just doesn’t seem like he’s interested in getting to know the real me on a deeper level. I’ve tried to Open up myself and ask him things in return but it either goes no where or he gives a short answer and changes the subject. I don’t know if he’s just slow to open up and I should stick it out or if I find him boring and unexciting bc he doesn’t trigger my attachment style. I’m trying to choose healthier but this doesn’t seem right either. Thanks for your input.

[@danaconnolly8574]

@Carol Rosales you too?! I’m having the exact problem with this guy I’ve been dating since November. It’s all surface level and bonding over tv shows and documentaries and movies. And if not that then current events or food. There’s no really getting to know you on a deeper level, vulnerability happening and it does feel like your soul is dying. Since you married him has it always been this way or is the tv thing new maybe he’s stressed and shutting down

[@kimmydiunicorn]

So very true. My love language is all of them 😂 but I value words of affirmation the most. And though they’re all welcome. I muccchhh prefer to hear compliments about my character or how much I’m valued in someone’s life over surface level compliments. Never tied that to security but that makes perfect sense. The more I know I’m valued, the least likely it is I’ll fear them leaving me. But it makes it even worse emotionally when they eventually do. 😭

[@sophiafara5997]

Thais & PDS, I find it very helpful whenever you mention which courses in the PDS correlate with these KZbin videos. It's like these videos provide me with an overview of the courses in the school. I am happy to be a member.

[@charisobservatory]

What if you love someone and they love you, but your needs are "too much" for them; or they're convinced that they're giving everything that they have but it's still not "fulfilling" enough for you. That's just incompatibility then, right, even though you love each other? P.S. Thank you for this video, I feel seen, heard and understood. ;-)

[@KYRA_FX]

It may mean that you're disconnected from yourself.

[@taeboogie7304]

@@KYRA_FX I’ve felt this in my partnership before and I had to really look within myself and ask myself what was missing. I did a lot of self-love work and focused on meeting my own needs for awhile and it made the relationship 10times more fulfilling but you have to keep up with it. Make sure your prioritising your needs consistently, it also will allow you to have more space for your partner and their differences as they won’t always meet your needs in the exact way in which you want them to... this is okay. At this point you will already be meeting yourself half way so your partners mistakes won’t affect you as intensely and it can be easier to resolve if there are issues with how they are meeting your needs. Sorry I hope this makes sense❤️ love and blessings x

[@loveme1641]

@@taeboogie7304 This makes complete sense and I totally agree with you.

[@nainafavs]

@@taeboogie7304 Wow.. That totally makes sense. I feel like that sometimes too that my needs are not being met although my partner is quite caring and loving in his own way. Thank you so much for sharing your experience ❤️

[@callisto744]

I think it also depends on what your definitions of things are. To me, quality time means doing something together, looking at each other, talking, interacting. It's my top love language. To all my ex's quality time means watching TV together. It's inherently unfulfilling to me.

[@sandipants21]

you are soo good Thais!! 💖

[@tinajones5372]

Thank you 🌟

[@roarfiercefemininerisingma9607]

Hi Queen ❣

[@BearClips]

I absolutely love your channel thank you so muchhh for your videos ❤️🥺

[@Sophiaahhaahh]

Thanks

[@smedmark1]

💯 💯💯 this is 100% me and now I understand why....

[@CD-qc1ue]

Having a FA break up with me is one of the most confusing things that’s ever happened to me in my life. Everything is going great, talks about the future then boom they’re done and it’s good bye. I look back and I still feel bamboozled 🤦🏼

[@OliverJazzz]

Probably they had been very stressed about the relationship for a while already without showing it to you, trying to figure it all out by themselves. Been there, done that. :/

[@CD-qc1ue]

How do you feel after the relationship has ended? I was originally blocked on everything for a reason I don’t know for around 3 months.

[@FreeGrammaHugs]

I'm confused as to how needing to contribute is not seen as "acts of service" love language. I'm constantly saying I don't need affirmations but rather feedback as to whether or not what I'm doing is helpful, useful, etc. or not.

[@artoftheordinary]

Oh this was really interesting, have just discovered I am FA and recently ended a relationship and this makes SO MUCH sense. I agree about Words of Affirmation - Compliments don't do anything for me, I find them uncomfortable and always make me suspicious and doubtful as they seem 'empty' and without validation. Affirmations about how I behave, or how I think are much more appreciated and valued. And love that Acts of Service and Gifts don't feature - It probably makes me sound ungrateful, but I don't really appreciate people "doing things for me" and gifts don't make me feel loved or valued at all. This has confirmed why the relationship needed to end... I love trying new things, he liked doing the same things again and again, he gave empty compliments that I didn't believe in and offered acts of service and gifts...

[@flyleelee5351]

Mine is definitely quality time

[@kerryday]

My parter and I are both FA, I lean anxious and he, dismissive. When he says something in passing that reveals a painful belief, my instinct is to deny it and then we just seem to move on. What's a helpful way to acknowledge and address the painful belief when one comes up.

[@Edith864]

What if Hypersexuality occurs in the relationship from one partner? How to get this need met?

[@karencoleman6800]

Our needs influence HOW we want our love language spoken & our perception. Also see: "Discover, embrace & fulfill your personal needs".

[@karenessauthor]

My fearful avoidant communicates physically because he can't communicate. I mean eyes, facial expressions etc. D Would sign language work better with such people?;

[@morehn]

Is it really a love language of it's only based on past relationship trauma, and therefore relationship "style"?

[@artsydoll888]

How do we learn what are needs are as FA and AA?

[@yodasan4681]

Can you do a video like this for Dismissive Avoidants??

[@braineater6058]

I am totally avoidant personality

[@ohnoeswhatsthat1335]

I have a question. One of my needs is physical touch such as cuddling, holding hands, PDA. It just takes a while for me for me to feel safe doing so with a new partner. During this pandemic I'm not seeing anyone and trying to distance myself since I work in homes for the elderly, but I don't how I can meet this need for myself. Any suggestions?

[@carolrosales1896]

Getting massages really helps. 😉

[@jessicasun4420]

Weighted blankets

[@ARandomAccountYT]

This was way too accurate for me lol

[@DaniStenko]

actually... this is not about me at all... I generally hate the theory of 5 love languges (to me it just explains why it is okay to put up with BS and maladjustment and people's lack of consideration). That being said, I score almost the same amount of all of them, with the acts of service and words of affirmation being the top ones. I don't have time myself, I love being alone and quality time is bothering me... to say the least. Like, leave me alone. And yes I am classic FA. I just like being acknowledged and not being abused. Also, gifts are a huge thing to me in that I'd rather have none than have random crap that people put no thought to. I love giving well-thought-through & personalised gifts to people. I love helping them out and when people offer to help me too, even if I decide not to use it. Also, physical touch... yes, but not all the time, because I don't have this damn time dammit to sit on the couch all day and caress each other while netflixing... what a waste of time omg... I can see how these two were necessary for my borderline (who was also an FA btw) ex... and how there was no end ot his neediness. Sadly, he was also into acts of service and gifts in the form of money... so he was overall just f*ckin needy... In sum, I think all FAs are too varied to just categorise them like this, plus the 5LL theory really is BS in my opinion, which can only be helpful if you want to save yrou marriage for the sake of mortgage and relative stability or the fear of comitting a sin when you divorce. Fortunately, none of this relates to me ;P

[@The_Darrell]

I bought my ex flowers every week, and told her I loved her every time we were together. She told me nobody ever treated her as good as I did. She treated me really well also until recently when she left and went with a player who treats women like objects. I've recently read that regularly buying flowers and expressing that you love your girlfriend every day isn't a good idea... what's your opinion on this? Do I really have to dial it back to keep my next girlfriend? I was only buying her flowers and telling her I loved her because I actually loved her... There were no other motives. Do I actually have to change doing these things.

[@jie814]

No! If your new girlfriend is unappreciative or is lacking your love in other areas then maybe yes dial back but you are not pushing love away by showing love.

[@austinnguyen9107]

12:48

[@queenconscious2989]

Literally me

[@FitzAF]

Damn... given that the woman I like's an FA leaning DA, I'm not quite sure how to approach. 😅

[@jiyoungmin4971]

Introduction is too long and beating around the bush

[@stickybandit2346]

The problem is even worse than this. Woman don't actually love men at all, they see men for what they can obtain from them. Men don't change their love language, but you will find many women online admitting that "after becoming married" my love language has changed, yada yada yada. Actually what they are saying is.... when I was dating an hoping for the "Alpha Male" I dreamed of touch from him and now that I am married to the "Beta Male" I just want acts of service from this appliance "Man" I decided to purchase. She has no real desire or intimacy. But then after a few years her new boss at work "Mr. Alpha" catches her eye, the guy who will never do any "Acts of Service" for her because he tells her what to do. If he ever did start to do acts of service for her, her desire would start to diminish, hence he is becoming a beta male to her. And yes, "Acts of Service" is a transaction.

[@stickybandit2346]

skip to 7:00 over all the nonsense

[@georgiasvocal6772]

you need to speak slower

[@ZielErkenner]

If its to Quick for you, maybe you can change the Quickness in the settings.. Not sure if youtube provides it for free subscribers.

[@angel5423]

Try watching her videos at a lower speed, maybe .75 :) She does speak a little fast, it's good info though

[@edithhsedits226]

This is awesome!! I get soo excited learning about my attachements!! 😀😀 Thank you soo much for charing your knowledge!