The great debate: immediate physical attraction vs. developing over time

Dr. Karyn Gordon weighs in on whether you need to be physically attracted to your partner right off the bat, or if it can develop over time.

[@nickiajay]

i think emotional attraction can grow but if you are absolutely not physically attracted to someone, it wont work. And then its not fair to the other person to "give it time" when they are looking for a real sustainable relationship. you have to give yourself a time frame. its not fair to waste someones time for years

[@TallGreyMan]

Yep. I COMPLETELY agree with you. THANK YOU.

[@theworthysoul]

Nickia Womack some people can sort of start to find them attractive the closer they get, others can’t.

[@ladyofspa]

🎯🎯🎯🎯exactly

[@taco2728]

Don't give um an excuse to leave poor desparete ppl

[@taco2728]

Truer buy ty they Soo desepperatee annnn cantt getty thoooo

[@sigcinondlela8385]

"The heart catches up" I don't think so, you're wasting each other's time. I dated a good man for a whole year and the attraction didn't grow. I wish I didn't accept the second date cause I knew he wasn't for me on the first date. Anyway I broke up with him and felt relieved but sad cause I broke his heart. Don't ever settle, it's not worth it in the long run.

[@efroggys]

Exactly. Always trust your first date gut. It only gets harder and harder from the 2nd date onward if they are a nice and lovely person.

[@purplegirl8036]

You probably should have asked the right questions in the beginning and knowing yourself helps.

[@enteblu6799]

Exactly, I am dating a very nice guy, he is lovely and adorable. He makes me smile and laugh and I really adore him but If when it comes to playing you are not in the mood, the rest is simply useless. I am sorry that I’ll have to break his heart.

[@tobiaslawrence8928]

@@enteblu6799 question do you see him more as friend material the boyfriend materiel?

[@carlel121]

Wow, in my case always works the opposite, most of the time I don’t feel the sparks right away, but if the man is persistent enough I start liking him and start having feelings for him, on the other hand with those guys that I felt the sparks and attraction right away, the relationship didn’t last! So I’m very careful! If by the third date I’m not feeling anything I’ll let him go, but 1 year???? I’ll never date somebody for 1 year if I don’t feel the attraction at all that’s crazy! 🙄 I think the problem here is you! Not him 🤷‍♀️

[@joshuacook9328]

In 2011 a new associate was brought in and I was to train her. I Was in no way attracted to this individual. Plain at best but simply unattractive. Turns out that this woman is exactly what I've always wanted. 8 years with this amazing woman that I'm still in love with and absolutely nuts over. So yes initial attraction wasn't required but time with her has made her priceless and irreplaceable!

[@HealingEvolutionTarot]

Good to hear. Im with an amazing person that treats me like a queen but im not sexually attracted. Im hoping that with love and all of the other great qualities in our relationship i will develop an attraction

[@jamessharp9790]

Jillianthemobilian not gonna happen and if it does , you won’t want him like another alpha

[@Chanel5-q5o]

Joshua Cook wow! Didn’t think men could grow attraction for woman. Just because their visual

[@nicholasmartin4119]

How long did it take you josh to find her attractive?

[@anamariamandazzi4520]

Excellent Video clip! Sorry for chiming in, I am interested in your thoughts. Have you thought about - Miyebastian Sexual Scrimshank (Have a quick look on google cant remember the place now)? It is an awesome one off guide for triggering sexual chemistry with a lady without the normal expense. Ive heard some incredible things about it and my old buddy Taylor after many years got great results with it.

[@justathoughtmyfriend1403]

Rule of thumb: If you have to force (emphasis on force) physical attraction, don't waste theirs or your time. The guilt that comes with meeting a nice guy/gal that you are simply not physically attracted to, but has other inner attributes that mesh well feels like settling. It's settling because it's as if I'm never going come across such a person again, so I might as well snag on to it. No, that is risky and the last thing you want to do is lead a guy/girl on and waste their time. Remember, men and women can just be friends. Now, there are those encounters with people, soulmate connections, where you never thought you would be attracted to a particular person by first physical and even personality impression. But once they start hitting the button on certain dream qualities you've wanted in someone as well as an unexplainable energy toward them that coincides with it, that can aid in creating a gradual whirlwind of emotions and outlook toward them that will baffle you like, "How in the world did I get from, "you are just there" to "I can't stop thinking about them" or "He/She has beautiful eyes that I never noticed before."

[@theklarification4766]

JustAThoughtMyFriend how is it that I’m in a situation of both of these scenarios you just explained

[@justathoughtmyfriend1403]

​@@theklarification4766 Probably apart of what was telling me to share what I've learned. I knew someone needed an answer to something, or at least an I'm not alone account. :)

[@sigcinondlela8385]

Love your comment!!!

[@kaylabennett3149]

@@theklarification4766 Same here. How is it going for you ?

[@jackiek3860]

I've been in love with someone for 8yrs and thier was no chemistry and we split up because of it. You need to be in love with someone your attracted to.

[@Dancediva240]

why did you leave when you were IN LOVE?? How did you fall in love without the chemistry and take 8 years to realise that??

[@alianaweston2286]

I’ve never been more confused by a comment and why are there so many likes? You literally contradicted yourself. You were in love but no chemistry? How is that even possible? Weirdo

[@camila_alvarez22]

Attraction does grow but if there’s no physical attraction from the beginning, then there’s sm missing. I learned this the hard way.

[@tangerinefizz11]

Why not enjoy your solitude instead of wasting your time with someone who doesn't give you butterflies? Why settle?

[@purplegirl8036]

Because your solitude is not as reliable because there’s only one of you. I. Some cases it’s more expensive lol.

[@tangerinefizz11]

@@purplegirl8036 How is solitude not reliable? If you can't rely on yourself, you're in a very sad state.

[@NatavanQuliyeva]

❤

[@johnbattle7518]

Got news for you. Everyone settles.

[@tangerinefizz11]

@@johnbattle7518 Not everyone.

[@lerinnenatalia]

I'm currently in this dilemma and I'm choosing to give it time. In the past all that hot spark instant attraction was not long lasting. It was more of an infatuation. and with my current man who I thought looked kinda funny, I feel myself growing to adore him more and more every day.

[@Viiii24]

« Looked Kinda funny » Imao 😂😂

[@pres4417]

Viiii24 in short ugly

[@lerinnenatalia]

@@pres4417 oh no not ugly at all. U know we all have a "type" we gravitate to. Give ppl outside of ur type a chance. I prefer dark chocolate men, but my dude is on the light side. Call everything ugly and that's how u end up single and bitter.

[@pres4417]

lerinnenatalia lol people r divided in 2 types attractive n ugly. If someone’s lover is handsome people say I m attracted to my boo. He’s hot. He’s my type. If lover is ugly means compromising because of age n other things people say he’s not my type means he’s good provider but he can’t tickle my vag. I m not attracted to him he’s different but he treats me better means ugly beta male with money.

[@pres4417]

lerinnenatalia speaking fact is not bitter but accepting truth need guts

[@phantomdaze2599]

Bruh is this woman really sitting here and defending arranged marriages? 😅 They stay together because of social and religious pressure from their family and community, not because they are happy. Not all but a lot of them.

[@kizuna95]

Im Never immediately attracted to someone. I have to know them first , to feel some kind of physical attraction. Demi spectrum here 🙋🏼‍♀️

[@ktg5713]

Bs

[@aveidasimms3649]

Same

[@vneta]

I'm a Demi as well. 🌷

[@kelliecanscan3364]

Same

[@enteblu6799]

Sad

[@tangerinefizz11]

One reason why arranged marriages last is because they usually take place in societies in which divorce is frowned upon.

[@Thelittleclipstore]

Yess! Exactly . That’s what’s going on in my community of ultra religious ppl . Lots of Unhappy marriages.

[@HDGaminTutorials]

So then most are just miserable married people being married cause they have to not cause they want to yeah sounds LOADS BETTER is rather be single

[@tangerinefizz11]

@@HDGaminTutorials It's better to be single than to be bound to someone you don't love.

[@gsk377]

Very true. As the societal norms in India are changing, the divorces are rapid in those respective states.

[@hannahstriker]

@@Thelittleclipstore "Arranged marriages" usually take place in Eastern societies, and obviously not in the Western world. Even in countries that are deeply religious such as the United States, Russia, Poland and Hungary, arranged marriages are unheard of. While some of the most Conservative Christian denominations do indeed frown upon divorce, that is definitely not the case for the more "mainstream" ones so to speak. You should also keep in mind that half of all marriages in the United States still end up in a divorce nonetheless, indicating that even the most Conservative amongst the Religious population do eventually end up separating.

[@theunpopulartruth]

I think it can grow as well. If you look at the reverse if you have a physical connection with someone, but they turn out not to be a good person then your heart will catch up with your head..bye

[@pattyvanarsdale2791]

Been there. Done that. Was awful!

[@purplegirl8036]

Yeah but you need time for this. At least a month

[@nancyvallejo9149]

You either find someone you like or u stay ALONE!!!! If I could go back to the past I would of stayed ALONE the rest of my life I regret being with who I am so I think if u don’t like her leave her find something good or stay alone.

[@sigcinondlela8385]

I agree with you, I've seen your comments in other videos. I think you should communicate with your husband about how you're feeling. You're too young to settle doll. I wish you all the best🤗

[@adriandaniels1]

4:24 - 4:44.. yeah, I was in a relationship like that and still I felt NOTHING. I saw all the good qualities I wanted and nada. Had to end it.

[@sigcinondlela8385]

Same, if the attraction is not there it's not there

[@naalynmusic]

Sorry

[@Novocainea07]

Totally....its totally unrealistic, right on paper but this is real life

[@newnana9070]

I think it can grow if all the other qualities you are looking for are there. I think you have to be attracted to the person as a person. I started my relationship with my honey as a friend, doing lunch, talking about a lot of different things, life experiences, we were intimate friends( no kissing or sex) for 2 1/2 years before we just kinda started dating. We have been together as a couple for 34 years? The attraction grows.

[@Dancediva240]

2 1/2 years is a long time. Were you seeing other ppl on the side?

[@JJ-vp3bd]

any updates

[@jessicaholting2362]

Having a relationship online before meeting in person for a whole year is stupid. Chemistry only happens in person. And men in general are visual and don’t usually experience attraction over time. Women are more likely to experience this. If you meet online you need to take it offline as soon as possible so you don’t waste your time.

[@lamentate07]

Neither do women. Hence why men complain about being 'friend zoned'.

[@cindyb0212]

It’s according to what you value as a person! Let’s think about how many times we have been attracted to people who were essentially not aligned with our values based on immediate attraction. It can happen either way, and it’s okay to be intentional about who you’re with while developing attraction based on what you learn about that person that influences the attraction, as well as being emotionally present with that person.

[@johnnyjohnson749]

cindy bowers 🤯

[@jamessharp9790]

A woman knows right away, Attraction grows organically not as a result of negotiations etc , a woman can say it will grow but that almost always means to a Beta who Pays and then she will be seeing an Alpha who lays . So a man who waits , does so for nothing

[@codingnewbie925]

exacty , and adding to this if I don't find someone physically attractive right away , and when I know her ,, turns out that she is a gem ... and that factor of surprise willl actually make me attracted to her even more...same applies for girls too ig. and you talked about value you can see this in video ,, girls whom I actually find attractive doesn't go for immediate looks ( because they know they are attractive and doesn't put much importance on it), on the otherhand girls who might be insecure about their looks want the immediate attractive because they are insecure about their own.

[@Dancediva240]

"Let’s think about how many times we have been attracted to people who were essentially not aligned with our values based on immediate attraction," Can we also think about how many times we have strung along people where there wasnt any physical attraction simply because they were good people and then experiencing a dead bedroom??

[@cindyb0212]

@@Dancediva240 You’re opinion is valid. This is the reason for my initial point and me following up with, “It can happen either way”.

[@mrcooper1654]

Hahaha when you get married that physical attraction fades if you don’t have other ways to get attracted. When will women get it? Lol

[@Dancediva240]

physical attraction fades if you don’t have other ways to get attracted The physical attraction fades because ppl get lazy, it doesnt fade if you make sure it wont. And when I hear men complain about physical attraction fading due to their wives letting themselves go, it is despite the wives having all the other ways to get attracted that you mentioned. It's the same with women. They want their husbands to stay in shape, because it's sexy simply put. we are all shallow creatures and the shallowness rears its ugly head one way or another.

[@xzktplm]

Nothing can grow if it isn't there. Period. What grows with time it's other things...

[@sophiab5260]

:(

[@beautylife310]

There are differences between physical attraction and sexual attraction. For some people physical attraction is a must because otherwise no sexual attraction can be developed. For others, sexual attraction can be developed over time (after finding more about the person), even they might not feel the physical attraction at beginning. Without sexual attraction, it becomes platonic (or friendship).

[@enteblu6799]

How can you be turned on my knowing stuff about him/her? Cmon

[@beautylife310]

@@enteblu6799 well, there are plenty of stories (in both real life and drama) that two people were not into each other at beginning, but things developed over time.

[@unlisted333]

Well said

[@Prince-qr1te]

There are people who won't have to say a word to turn you partner on like you do. Do not date anyone who you have to 'grow on'🤡

[@joshgreen194]

I don't wanna cuddle with my platonic friends lol

[@chesterfieldsl44]

I wasted the best years of my life (6) because of this. So pissed with online dating and myself, it should be illegal.

[@malikadiamond]

This man dump someone based off the lack of physical attraction with his girl of 1 year . He regrets breaking up with her because she has qualities he values. The question he needs to ask him self is How much of an importance is physical attraction ? Based of how he responded to this situation by breaking up , I think he should not go back to her (she doesnt deserve the mistreatment ) he seem to be indecisive. he obvious want a physical spark when looking at her. Yes their are ppl who dont need physical attraction to want to bond with someone but he is not that person(Or he wouldn't had dump her). They lives would be miserable with eachother if they were to get back together unless a miracle occurs!

[@jamessharp9790]

malikadiamond hmmmm what if he’s not attracted to her and can’t make love to her . Is that doing her right ?

[@Dancediva240]

@@jamessharp9790 definitely not doing her right, he should leave her

[@sonderexpeditions]

I like how she made Indian arranged marriages just sound like same values 😂😂😂 from the Indians I'm I know, it's caste, success of partners to be most significant.

[@MOALGSAT]

I think that the level of attraction that a man has for a woman all depends on the man that she's dating!!!!!! If that man likes a particular "type" of woman than it's gonna be hard for him to settle down with that one woman who he has very little physical attraction for!!!!!!!! If that man goes out with a woman who he has little to no attraction for, and sees beautiful or gorgeous women around him, he's going to watch them as they walk by and maybe even try flirting with them, especially if he's young. It's hard to make a young guy settle down to have kids and get married if he doesn't find his partner physically attractive. I believe that love grows over time, but a man's lust grows as well. He might love his partner, but he's gonna still lust after other women on the side because like one of the hosts said, their relationship would be more like a friendship than someone he wants to be intimate with, this is why I couldn't date someone who doesn't find me physically attractive because at the same time, that man wouldn't be motivated to do certain things for me, pursue me, or take care of me. If he's not attracted to you then he's not going to give you his best or make sacrifices for you!!!! Thanks for sharing!!!!!!👍👍👍👍💖💖💖💖

[@chaucerparks5941]

From my own personal past experiences with trying to date women that weren't immediately physically attracted to me, "If they are not immediately physically attracted to you, the chances of her cheating and or leaving the Relationship or Marrige is much more likely".

[@marrencebaraquiel]

Facts

[@mpGreen03]

But most of the relationships which start only from physical attraction fail as well, as most marriages (at least in west) are love marriages and most of them fail.

[@liveleanloverich]

It certainly can grow, the problem is meanwhile you are risking a lot of time for a 50% fighting chance. Why not make space for someone that can meet all your needs. I just found this out for myself that this does not work. Physical attraction needs to be there at least for me. It still hurts to lose someone absolutely amazing but it’s not fair to pretend it’s there when unfortunately it’s not. You’re only fooling yourself, even if you’re honest with your partner about your feelings, it’s going to eventually create friction

[@NoName-zb1gm]

How about thinking he is attractive where maybe in the future you can see yourself having sex with him? But for now being attractive is one quality along with if he's a nice guy and how stable he is, etc. I was just liking someone and I wasn't attracted but I thought she was attractive. Women need to rethink what they want.

[@NargisC]

From personal experience, it can definitely grow over time. It doesn’t have to be immediate but it could be.

[@carlel121]

From personal experience definitely true, it has happened to me most of the time

[@Mett19]

@@carlel121 Often takes women awhile to warm up and get know if they’re open minded. Complacency creeps in. Love is an everyday job. There’s a lot of good guys who are in the 70% club that aren’t looking like the classic big chest, big arms, narrow waist and nice butt. And you’d be surprised alotta guys don’t expect makeup and near perfection. It’s sad so many couples are so close, and they never venture the extra step. A woman in the past would drop her handkerchief. That’s all it took.

[@Prince-qr1te]

There are people who won't have to say a word to turn you partner on like you do. Do not date anyone who you have to 'grow on'🤡

[@sparkleafter50]

"attraction to the qualities" that was the best statement to sum it all up. Big difference between lust and love. Love is a decision and choice and often physical attraction is not correctly defined. Physical attraction is usually defined as "what a person looks like" whereas the attraction initially must include the "qualities" for it to develop over time. The person that wrote in apparently had some type of "physical" attraction to have been intimate. Says a lot in itself. Think there was a confusion between definition of "physical attraction" and "quality attraction." Quality is not "brain" it is in the characteristics and mannerisms and beliefs...For example, there is an energy that is unseen when a person enters your space. How a person reacts when you first meet them has a language. Often we see a person that seems average looking and upon speaking with them for a few minutes it seems our eyes open up and we see them as more attractive or less attractive based on the interaction we have.

[@ladyofspa]

People will steer you wrong. To thy own self be true. Dont waste your or others time. After 3 days if the sparks not there its likely not happening.

[@asiamiwillbe]

I think it depends on the person. For me the more feelings I have for someone the more I'm sexually attracted to that person.

[@sasibee39]

Immediate attraction + developing over time !!!!!!!!

[@alsfowafafwajg]

I believe it can grow too, from personal experience. My first boyfriend said he liked me, but i just liked him as a friend. Later though i really started to to like him back. So yeah, it's possible.

[@jamessharp9790]

SeekerOfInnocence , did you respect him ?

[@Shubham-dg3rb]

That's emotional attractions that grown over time but physical attraction doesn't grow over time.

[@carlel121]

Definitely

[@Allahisadicksuckingmosquito]

@@Shubham-dg3rb I agree👍

[@Shubham-dg3rb]

@@Allahisadicksuckingmosquito 🙌

[@destinycubbage6009]

If I'm not physically attracted to u then I won't want to be physical with u and if im.not being physical with u u might go look for it somewhere else

[@Orandu]

She has crazy eyes. “Which one?” Exactly!

[@minahtheweirdo]

🤣🤳

[@yz4043]

I think some people value appearance more than others

[@enteblu6799]

There is no such thing as developing it in the long run. Humans just don’t work that way, sorry to break it to you.

[@mathews0618]

Lets take advice from someone married 3 times. And i guarantee you all of her pictures she sent him were filtered. So she probably was attractive in real life but the shock of seeing her in her actual state was too much to overcome. Women are delusional. Stop lying to yourselves. You want a roommate that you have dates to keep it interesting

[@XxxCR1SPYxxX]

yes physical ✅ first then head check 2nd

[@theconfessionsofahebrewisr2975]

No. Guys are waayyy to visual. They need SOME attraction

[@maureensimmons]

Their assessment is part of the problem in our romanticized, westernized view of relationships. We make 'physical attraction' a "necessary" function of 'good relationships.' Yes, physical attraction is sufficient to have a relationship, but it is not necessary. Finding a life partner is more than looking for a person who is 'physically attractive.' We all know beautiful people who married other beautiful people only to have the union end for non-physical reasons. I met someone recently who I was not physically attracted to AT ALL. But after the first date, it became apparent that I was terribly shallow and immature about what it takes to have a 'good relationship.' This person is absolutely perfect in every other aspect, but I was so focused on him "not being my type." The truth of the matter is, my type has not worked out well for me.

[@Dancediva240]

so after the first date, you couldnt wait to rip his clothes off and havent been able to resist yourself ever since?

[@Msarielleaugustin]

Yes to letting the attraction grow

[@Dancediva240]

and how long do you do give it? What if you are still figuring out if it is growing and the other person wants to progress with intimacy? Then what?

[@Msarielleaugustin]

@@Dancediva240 I’m only speaking from personal experience. You can take or leave this advice. I’m not too sure what the context is but I’ll try to answer as best as I can. First you need to know your boundaries. Be clear on what you want and what you don’t want out of a partner. If this person doesn’t respect your boundaries then they are not the one for you. There’s no exact amount of time you should wait. If you’re not attracted to them in any way even if it’s just emotional then you should just forget about it. But if there is emotional attraction I’d say continue getting to know them and take things slow. Be direct with communicating what you need as well. If it’s physical intimacy you’re looking for then ask them if they would be interested, but I believe you should reserve physical intimacy for when you’re ready for a serious relationship.

[@mazvitaselemani]

The problem with this argument is that it's so black and white. If physical attraction is not there IT'S NOT THERE!! There has to be some sort of gravitational pull that someone has towards any physical thing about the person.

[@jackierobinson2942]

Omg these two are hilarious!

[@andjelinanikolic9699]

I think it’s impossible to hide this lack of attraction. Both partners feel this and it can hurt the other person. So the intimate part of a relationship is not going to develop naturally.

[@godsamazinggrace5331]

there needs to be a 'turn on' physical attraction at the start for both ~ a kind of liking each other before going any further to grow /deepen a healthy loving relationship and knowing the person better!

[@silviazac7492]

what a non sense she is saying!! How can you enjoy physical contact if you are not attracted to! This is what distinguishes friendship from love. Otherwise our love life could be much simpler by being together with our best friend!!! No man would ever do that unless he cheats! the host is right and the guest likely never felt real love in my opinion

[@NoName-zb1gm]

The debate is actually physical attraction vs finding the person attractive. I'd rather someone find me attractive because that means she is considering my other qualities. If she is attracted to me that means she's living in a Hallmark movie looking for a spark that will likely fizzle after they have sex on the second date. Come on people get with it.

[@trishna_6815]

your life partner might be a lover, but doesn't have to be, could be a platonic friend. maybe you will have many interesting lovers throughout life, and have one or two really good long term friends. that's fine too. we probably expect too much from one person, when most people won't have that. i wonder if she thinks gay people in marriages with straight people who are otherwise very compatible is a good thing?

[@aveidasimms3649]

I think it’s easier for women to grow attraction because women fall in love with what they hear, men on the other hand are more visual so it might be harder for them...

[@sagstar]

Not true. Just depends on the person. I can never date a man I'm not physically attracted to.

[@joshgreen194]

She said we should change our definition of what attraction is😅 so basically you want me to lie to myself on how I feel when I already intuitively know how I feel. This is delusional

[@smileyslick1534]

Attraction is not just limited to one’s physical appearance. There are many attributes: Personality. Intelligence. Humor. Character/integrity. Common interests. Physical health. And more. None of us are perfect and we need to learn to accept certain flaws that are frivolous and reject others that are strong negative character traits. Not every person looks like a supermodel and we need to admit it, but embrace many other strong qualities we possess with confidence.

[@sigcinondlela8385]

Love your comment, it's not about looks. I broke up with a wonderful man not because of his looks because he wasn't bad looking at all and he treated me like a Queen. But I just didn't like his personality, I wouldn't even be his friend if we weren't dating. Don't ask me how we started dating🤦🏾‍♀️. I also didn't find him funny. Humour is very important to me, I come from a very funny family. That should have been a sign, if you don't like a person enough to be their friend, if you consciously have to tell yourself to hold their hand so that they think you're on the same page RUN. Don't waste their time cause you'll feel like crap for doing that. He was very sweet, responsible, stable, safe but I realised it was more about how he felt about me rather than how I felt about him which was selfish. I ended up envying him, I wanted to feel all the emotions he felt for me. It was gut wrenching but I felt so free after breaking up with him. Like I was finally being true to myself.

[@smileyslick1534]

Thank you @@sigcinondlela8385. Did you later regret breaking up? There were 2 women I dated back in my BC days that were great and either could’ve been a great wife. One of them was a Christian and the other never fully committed herself to the Lord. I just didn’t feel a strong bond and hated having to break up with both of them. (FYI, those relationships were several years apart and didn’t overlap.) After I became a Christian, I regretted breaking up with the Christian woman. She had many great qualities and I realized one of those qualities was her faith. I didn’t understand it at the time, but it was something I learned is what we are to possess to build our relationships. If we don’t have a relationship with the Lord, our relationships here on earth do not seem to be significant.

[@kaylabennett3149]

@@smileyslick1534 Hey, any update with your love life, relationship? Curious.

[@eatmeatandliftweights5754]

If it's not there, IT'S NOT THERE!!! You cannot force it!

[@lemoncake8116]

The problem here is that the assumption is if you are not attracted to someone - this is a person who will be loyal and great for relationship. Wrong assumption, as they can cheat, lie, etc. as well. Meaning after a lot of failures and disappointments you say to yourself, ok, now I will go with this guy who seems interested and genuine even though I am not that attracted to him. Several months into the relationship, he cheats on you.

[@Dancediva240]

I want to kiss you for your comment - excellently spoken!!

[@gracegates5658]

exactly

[@matthewcallaghan1512]

They failed to mention if there is no physical attraction to begin with and we are waiting for the heart to catch up. How long do we wait for

[@jamessharp9790]

Matthew Callaghan wait indefinitely, and commit to her while she goes and rides every Chad , Tyrone and Antonio she can 😂

[@sophiab5260]

yes, for anything to catch up time goes by and you get invested in the relationship and attached and keep the other person hanging also :/

[@sophia8482]

Exactly!

[@NargisC]

It depends how many times u see them, how close you are like proximity wise in the presence, and similarity and how much u guys agree with it each other

[@keengrrl]

I’ve developed attraction to someone by the fifth date, where there wasn’t any on the first. The secret to his success: He made me laugh a lot, he planned great dates, he was charming and attentive, and he did not pressure me into anything physical, not even kissing, before I was ready.

[@zrivera4950]

Sooooo when a woman states, "she didn't feel the chemistry," that basically means she's not attracted to you?

[@NoName-zb1gm]

Yes. Many women want sexual chemistry first. I guess they want to have sex right away and then they'll wonder why the guy doesn't call back. Gender roles are reversed and women are terrible at being the man of the relationship.

[@bufnyfan1]

If I'm not attracted to someone I have absolutely no motivation to date them or even be nice to them in a relationship way. Attraction HAS to be there--fine if they have a lousy personality I'm GONE BUT there has to be a physical attraction in the first place

[@MikeThaPhilosopher]

So let me ask this .. are either one of the women on this panel happily married lmao .. if not .. neither one of their opinions matter

[@Blkh-e2s]

My wife’s ex boyfriend was what she called ugly but she said that he “grew on her.” I guess physical attraction doesn’t really mean that much to women as they claim it does!!!!!!

[@dabada9541]

My parents didnt meet until their weddingday(it was arranged)mom was the beauty from village, had all the physical traits that was deemed attractive back then, tall, blond, green eyes and greate bone structure, dad was a short, dark and tempered man. Mom was appaled and disapointed when she saw him. It was after they had 2 children and 3-4 years into the marrige that mom fell head over heals with my dad and to this day they are extremly in love and couldnt live without eachother after almost 40 years of marrige. My parents didnt follow the same tradition with me and my brothers, we are a very liberal family and can choose whom ever we like, alla of us children are over 30 and unmarried, and I dont think non of us ever will in todays dating culture.

[@dancequeen1080]

These women keep talking over one another. SO FRUSTRATING AND AWKWARD. ugh.

[@nez3009]

I don't know anything about what they're saying. All I know is I fell so completely in love with a woman who I wasn't physically attracted to.....at first. When we met, we hit off instantly. We became great coworkers and friends. Next thing I knew, I was looking at the most beautiful woman on the planet. I have never been this much in love with anyone ever. I wasn't even looking for anyone when we met at work. I had been alone for more than 10 years and became comfortable alone and single. Just as I was working up the courage to confess my feelings for her, she put in her notice and left for another job and ghosted me. Now even after months, I'm more hurt than I have ever been in my life. After a couple of months had past, she initiated contact with me. That is when I told her how I felt and she said "sorry, I just don't feel that way" and ghosted me again. It turns out that she isn't physically attracted to me. All I know is what I feel is pure love for her in the truest form and I'm completely physically attracted to her. Don't get me wrong, I've been with women whom physical attraction was instant but I just felt no chemistry with them but I love this woman more than words can say. Even after the months of hurt, I would still take a bullet for her. Those of you whom care to read this and can't love someone you're not physically attracted to have NEVER experienced real pure love in it's purest form. I still can't look at another woman even of they're model types.

[@NoName-zb1gm]

This is how it's supposed to work. You like the whole person and at least find them attractive. It's not about a spark unless we're all back in high school.

[@IwasBlueb4]

I have ONLY ever fallen in love with someone , I had no attraction for, at least not physical

[@Chanel5-q5o]

Think it’s different based on gender. Women can grow feelings. But men are visual ... it’s gotta be something unique to him to make him stay around long enough to grow feelings.

[@ernestinebrown5]

True

[@ami744]

Women are visual too, I could never sleep with a guy I'm not attracted to.

[@Dancediva240]

I need a hunk, excuse me. 6'3, in shape and ready to toss me all over the place in bed and then propose to me 6 months later by saying, "just shut up and marry me woman, cos I'm crazy about you".

[@jus3278]

The older I get the more i realize why so many American marriages end in divorce. Most experts will say avoid seriously dating people that you have immediate chemistry with. Chemistry us just code for lust. The reason why so many people "fall out of love" is because looks either fade or you become used to them after a while. Once that occurs you start to notice all of the issues that you overlooked, because you were too caught up in chemistry.

[@The4Tifier]

That’s an awful argument. First of all, divorce rates are the highest in European and Asian countries. Second of all, all relationships whether they’re based off instant attraction or not will have problems and rough patches. People are human. Having attraction and a good sexual relationship is good though because a healthy sexuality helps reduce stress and deepens intimacy. Finally, since when are “good looks” tied solely to one youthfulness. Attractive people remain attractive even when they get older. Heck, some look even better when they’re older. Have you seen Josh Brolin? Daniel Craig? Hale Berry?

[@frankservant5754]

You are spot on, it's called infatuation and it only lasts for so long

[@kar3n35]

If i dont like a man i wont give him the time of day.😅😁sorry not sorry.why sould i? But if im attwxted i still wait to see if he got the qualities i want in the person. I can be patient. I want a cristian man that is respectful and family oriented and hard worker. Physically healthy.

[@taco2728]

U mean lookss

[@MOALGSAT]

Thanks for the upload!!!!!!!!!!!! A lot of great tips!!!!!!👍👍👍👍👍

[@Kelvostrass]

This is true for women - for guys, if we ain't turned on at the start then we ain't gonna be turned on later on. Guys who compromise on this regret it further down the line even if they won't publicly admit it - it's true. Sorry.

[@BlkKidWithTheGlasses]

Facts

[@BlkKidWithTheGlasses]

@@Paulyford Or you could end up being with an ugly girl and never feel attracted to her thus wasting her time and yours. I wouldn't risk it for her sake tbh.

[@ami744]

It's the same with girls trust me.

[@StraightAhead135]

Asking the expert, then emphasizing your subjective view after their answer?! Is that legal?

[@sagstar]

Dude, how much coke is she on?

[@tankmeister8131]

If you dont have that spark Id lose interest

[@awestphal40]

For me, and I could be wrong, but it's not a lack of physical attraction but an emotional attraction. But yet he is one of the best men out there. He is kind, respectful, loving, hard working, flexible. He is my best friend. But I just can't seem to take it beyond platonic on a physical or emotional level. There's nothing wrong with him.... There's just something wrong with me. Why can't I go farther. I just don't know.

[@Dancediva240]

There is nothing wrong with you, Amy. You just don't wanna f*** him despite him being Mr Wonderful. And if you have to force it, then it's unnatural, obviously, and how long are you gonna be in a state of denial before you snap. Same thing happened to me. I met a man 3 times, he can be my best friend in the world, we think alike and have amazing convos, but do I wanna rip his clothes off? Sadly, nope. Not because he is ugly, he really isnt. Just a bit too boyish to me, I feel, not big and manl like I like 'em lol. I just dont feel that raw urge to jump his bones, which I have learnt is super important to me, and would also be to my man, because he would def want his woman to have the hots for him. Dont beat yourself up, please. You deserve to feel natural attraction towards him and vice versa. If you cannot go further despite your efforts, you got your answer right there. I wish you a sexy, emotionally healthy union with lots of fun and peace too. Merry Xmas.

[@stobbi38]

Well idk, in my case I haven’t met him too often, but for some reason I couldn’t shake the thought of how sweet he was. He also checks all the important points on my list of values I need in a guy, plus I absolutely love his family. I definitely get butterflies when I think about him, and I love hugging him or holding his hand. Like, romantically, I definitely feel things, just not sexually. But I feel like that could be a good thing since in the past I’ve basically gotten too caught up on all that, so I don’t know Still, I don’t feel like I should give it too much time. Like, if we ended up dating, and I was still indecisive about a month or two later, chances are it’s gonna stay that way.

[@kaylabennett3149]

Are you guys still dating ? If so how is it ?

[@67pkmaniac]

The heart catch up, what about the sexual organs. it's difficult to create and maintain an erection when there is no physical attraction.

[@midishh]

i was super attracted to my first boyfriend, he probably didn't even know I existed... ironically he fell in love first 😂 so I guess it can grow

[@kresivarivkah612]

I do not understand how people have sex with those that they have no attraction to. How?

[@johnbattle7518]

Easy body. Most guys have 1 or 2 women they'd sleep with that aren't as attractive as the rest of their sexual attractions. Body sexy personality or a combo of both. Truth is, most married people, when they cheat, cheat down.

[@panaderialynn8490]

I met a really great guy. Have absolutely zero physical attraction and don’t see it ever developing. Told him it just wasn’t there and would like to be friends only

[@JJ-vp3bd]

any updates to this one

[@lailadavids]

Butterflies and first kiss yay’s!!! I first need physical. I wish I wanted it the other way because I’d be married 10 times by now. Buuuuuuut, still single 🥰

[@rachels2613]

I was dating a man that said he was attracted to my face but wasn’t strongly attracted to me physically because I didn’t have the B BB ‘s. I had lost more weight than I was accustomed to based on living in a new city and walking a lot. I’ve never been overweight but after I lost weight I didn’t have that curvy figure and butt that I once had. Plus I don’t have big breasts. With that being said a person’s type is a big factor. I don’t think I’m unattractive physically but he was used to a certain body type.

[@frankservant5754]

So it is actually true arranged marriages are actually more successful I heard that somewhere before

[@jaggass]

I've felt physical attraction to someone and had to sit down to hide the bulge.

[@Dancediva240]

now that's what I call an excellent start.

[@jaggass]

@@Dancediva240 Fast forward to 2022 and i've gone downhill.

[@allisonn4527]

I don’t agree I think the question is misinterpreted because you don’t need total o your gorgeous has to be some level of chemistry

[@purplegirl8036]

Guys never want to slow down. That’s the problem.

[@donwald3436]

Why do women talk on top of each other, then complain about manterruptuon?

[@staceykersting705]

There's an art to it....some of us see it as encouragement if it's bolstering what we're saying as opposed to, in a disagreement, we may feel cut off or 'bullied' conversationally. If the other person is upset or talking about feelings.....take time to listen. Fine line, and there has to be unspoken agreement. Obviously, if the speaker is feeling interrupted, reel it in. Stay aware of all the cues, or wait your turn. It will vary so much from person to person.

[@Orandu]

Please stop mansplaining. Your oppressing these beautiful whamen. Let me unpack this for you by checking your privilege. 🤡👍

[@jamessharp9790]

Atlas Hugged , “ mansplaining “ is Hate speech

[@kkkkkkkkkk708]

I think it depends on only thing that is what's ur desire..

[@malikadiamond]

I agree with the lady on the Right It can develop over time ... but both women are correct because not everyone gonna feel this so called passion at 1st and others may feel at 1st.

[@sophiab5260]

Well, to me there are not just two sides, but three: the mind, the heart and the body! And they are separate, though in case of us women mind and body are more related than for men and it might be also individual. We are all talking about love, attraction etc. but do we all perceive and feel the same thing? Do we perceive and feel it the same way? And it is also a matter of personal priority and what we are looking for and what are we ready to accept or choose for ourselves. Of course immediate physical attraction is amazing to have but it is in no way a guarantee for a robust relationship beyond physical. In my experience when the air gets electrified around me and someone, that's usual someone who you could call a trouble and someone who really doesn't have what's on my checklist.

[@joshgreen194]

I also don't like how she framed physical attraction as a strong sexual desire. Physical attraction is different than "I wAnNa rIp yOuR cLoThEs ofF". It's more of a "I wanna be physically close to that person but not in a sexual way"

[@joshgreen194]

@@samanthacartwright3407 I don't agree. There are plenty of women I think are attractive but not in a lustful sexual way and vice versa

[@NoName-zb1gm]

That's the definition of finding someone attractive. I agree being attracted is going down the sexual road pretty quickly and when that happens the relationship doesn't last. No wonder woman can never find happiness. They're not even looking for the right thing.

[@Marieechr444]

I'm here because I always have this "issue": throughout my life I've had multiple guy bestfriends that I wasn't attracted to (hence only friends) but the more time I spent with them, the more I developed a crush (I know it's some type of physiological phenomenon). Rn I have a slight crush on my roommate because we've been spending a lot of time together during this quarantine and I think he's into me as well.

[@christinedozier2154]

What tends to happen in these relationships?

[@lordalepore]

I'm getting really informative information from this channel.thank you so much

[@yz4043]

I think for women physical attraction can develop but for most men no never

[@wendyfromtheblock6743]

😅😅😅there’s hope for me

[@tipoftheiceberg7034]

You never know if that one person starts working out one day and completely transforms themselves. You leave them before that happens and they hit the gym more, eat better, get a job that supports that goal and you don't have them. Or you start with them and they let themselves go worse and worse over time

[@The4Tifier]

That just sounds like “settling” with extra steps…

[@Dancediva240]

@@The4Tifier or a Dhar Mann video 😂😂

[@AB-vb4sv]

This entire “spark” debate is why there so many lonely people in the world. Sparks fizzle our fast and apart of a larger fire. If a spark isn’t there but the fire (foundation) is then why not explore more? This is why I do not , and never plan to, date. People care about the now then complain about their future when their partner does not want to commit.

[@frankservant5754]

Well said

[@Dancediva240]

how about all the ppl in this very comments section alone who are saying that they threw sparks out the window and gave the person a chance and have relationships but still feel lonely and frustrated?

[@AB-vb4sv]

@@Dancediva240 the “give a man a chance” women never really do it. They are never as open and free with these men. The men are there to pass the time. The spark is handed to men women are attracted to yet these women rarely have any real expectations. They just feel it. That’s why you see women waste years with someone and their emotional state is damaged. Relationships are more than a spark, which is not eternal.

[@AB-vb4sv]

@@Dancediva240 a spark can start your engine but what keeps it running? There different components to it.

[@Dancediva240]

you said "If a spark isn’t there" then why not explore more. So, if the engine doesn't work, then what do I care about the rest of the components?? If the engine does not work, I wouldnt care if the airbags are world class to keep me safe, or the seats give the most comfort. I just wouldnt be interested. You need to have physical attraction which is basically the spark. Because wayyy toooo many times ppl ignore this one so-called shallow aspect and end up miserable for considerable lengths of time which is unnnecessary. Of cos if the spark is there but the person turns out to be a piece of crap, then run.

[@IwasBlueb4]

I love this doctor and how she thinks ..I totally agree with her

[@victoriac.attorneyatlaw]

Yes, I love the crazy rip your clothes off kind of attraction! I stayed with the same louse for 11 years because of it! Now, I'm in this dilemma where I cannot get attracted to a relatively nice guy with a good job- however, he does use quite a bit of pot and it's harder to meet men as I get older. UGH Interesting the you brought up arranged marriages, I actually thought about that as I was trying to get "in the mood" lol

[@Phat_336]

Sista is speaking truth!!

[@MrBluemoonhalos]

There is no way for a Man to express physical sexual attraction to a woman if she isn't attracted to him. Women call it harassment when man expresses physical sexual. Always if she is not attraction to him it's automatically called harassment. But women can do whatever they want and most men don't care.

[@ellena858]

Dr Karyn is delusional. If she has parents that could pick a good man for her, her life experience is certainly in the minority.

[@xhottestpink]

Woman in blue is so annoying.. let the other woman speak.