The importance of getting away from a narcissistic abuser

[@fairygurl9269]

"You can't heal in the Same Environment that Made You Sick." 🌳🐿

[@realitywinner7582]

SPOT ON !

[@ainahaga]

So when my narc sister has my daughter I need to move away from my hometown to actually survive? But will my daughter be okay? I do not feel she will if I leave from here

[@bchristian85]

But for me that environment is inescapable, that's the problem. It takes money, resources, and willpower to escape, especially when escaping means relocating to a different city. It's not easy to do.

[@terminaltranscendence8422]

Leave....at all costs.

[@natashaj9169]

Crazy how you get used to it and can't see the unfairness, it's like being in another world once you're out and have no contact!

[@MrSuperbluesky]

👍yes

[@tobsternater]

But then sometimes...it hangs onto you as well...like a wet blanket!

[@angelmacas1774]

I agree! There are two things I can't wrap my head around. Why did I put up with this terrible treatment, lies, betrayal for so many years. I could tell it was all lies all wrong all abuse yet still couldn't just walk away. Then also why even after ending the relationship there is still a part of me that wants to believe at least some part of the love bombing was real. How can someone lie and manipulate so much for so long. I'm in recovery and some days are better than others. I have two children with that woman so I limit my conversations to only the most necessary but she continues to try to bring me back into her orbit. The thought of one day falling for someone like that again sometimes gives me nightmares.

[@fifilafleur5555]

I have late stage cancer and my dad refuses to let me have my space at this challenging time. He abused me all my life and is still trying to manipulate me into letting him see me. I know it will cause me a lot of pain and I have told him this. He’s already back to putting pressure on me. He has also pushed his wife and their golden child daughter upon me. They have abused me too. So far I have refused any contact.

[@selfesteem3447]

Fifi La Fleur, I'm so sorry you're experiencing this at such a difficult time. I was so so so happy and relieved to see you closed this post saying you have gone no contact yes please keep it that way. Be good to yourself right now. Practice self-care. Sending love to you.

[@fairygurl9269]

Healing Vibes 💕

[@sll110]

🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

[@kimlec3592]

@ Fifi La Fleur : Bloody awful. Sorry doesn't really cut it...send them some imaginary darts or pray for protection. This stuff is horrendous.

[@thirstonhowellthebird]

@@kimlec3592 Fifi la I am so sorry this is happening to you my God how awful. The thing about no contact is if you’re doing it correctly you won’t know they are trying to reach out to you. You’ve got to block all emails and phone calls and move and disconnect your number to be true no contact. I’m absolutely sure that’s what caused the cancer, the stress of all of this. How utterly tragic and horrible.

[@girlbythebeach]

It’s validating to me to watch these videos and see my experience described by a professional. I feel less lost each time I watch one of these videos

[@peaceangel-rl2hf]

Same here, it does validate our experience. It seems we all have experienced the exact same thing in the same patterns. This is particularly useful for scapegoats as we often doubt our experience due to gaslighting and psychological manipulation

[@HeartFeltGesture]

@@peaceangel-rl2hf Thats right, the abuse is so confusing and subtle from the covert jerk monster, because they dont want you to have any concrete evidence of the abuse. They use the sweet / mean cycle to keep us confused, and in self-doubt. Creating physical distance may not be done to hurt the narcissist, but its certainly a satisfying side-effect. Im planning to move cities (multiple cities away) in the new year, not a small undertaking, but necessary for effective healing to stand a chance.

[@nickdesmone]

Spending Father's Day in solitude / celebrating Yourself instead of attending a narci family event is like a double dose of self love - that space especially on days like today is so healing, you really start to anchor in that nothing has been wrong with You

[@rubberbiscuit99]

Thank you for sharing this.

[@pebblebrookbooks4852]

Great!! I spent Mother's Day the same way!! 💖🙏

[@lambchop6278]

Good for you. 🌄

[@user-vt9kd4no8j]

Yes, I just spent Xmas alone but was thinking about how lucky I was … to not be there 😅

[@goldieh7121]

"Breathing different air" ...yes, like gaining new perspective when you can at least gain some distance and time away from the influence of toxic people.

[@lambchop6278]

I think that the Harry Potter books, and in turn Joanne Rowling's own life, are based on this. On finding a replacement family that changes everything for oneself.

[@goldieh7121]

@@lambchop6278 Interesting. I have never seen any of the Harry Potter movies or read the books. Your comment makes me want to check them out ☺️

[@warrenbradford2597]

I strongly agree. The cult I am in has been making me depressed.

[@kevinmasterson5733]

I love that you pointed out that the narcissist parent feels "worthless at their core". My mother had such low self-esteem, was so put upon by most of the family, was such a martyr and at the same time she was very self-righteous shoving her insane, toxic Catholic beliefs down my throat that it has been hard to see her as a narcissist. She doesn't fit into what I typically would have considered a narcissist, until I heard words like vulnerable, covert and communal narcissist. She felt like a worthless piece of garbage because she was taught that was the fast track to heaven, so she would be damned if I were to feel good about myself! She was going to put all those bad feelings on to me, and blame me for all that is wrong in her life and within the family. God doesn't want you to "get a big head". One time someone said to her in front of me "Janet, you must be proud. Kevin is so handsome." She made a weird face, laughed nervously and said, "oh it runs in the family." She was such a martyr that I was always made to feel guilty if I criticized her treatment of me to anyone else or her insane religious beliefs. She always used God as her excuse to not express any love or approval for me. I was a sinner who needed to be punished!!! When my dad would almost beat me to death she would tell me that it was my fault. She never could admit that he was physically abusive towards me even after he died. I am so glad to be away from her and my two youngest sisters. The damage they caused was immense, but I am stronger & bigger than all that. This video really hits home for me. What I experienced from my mother & sisters was pure poison. I am so glad to be out of that toxic cesspool.

[@francesbernard2445]

In my case, in contrast; I have been accused by one of my daughters of believing that she is not going to make it to heaven. At no time have I ever thought that. I am getting sick and tired of all the KKK kind of air around everywhere.

[@3rdStoneObliterum]

Sounds like you are describing my family exactly. It was a long-term mind control and they tried to crush our sovereignty and our spirits and it definitely made an impact which we cannot deny but the fact that we are aware of it will allow us to survive in total triumph and strength over those sickos

[@3rdStoneObliterum]

@@francesbernard2445 I'm sure there is more to the story than that

[@kevinmasterson5733]

@@3rdStoneObliterum thank you for your validation & support. Not sure what that other comment was about. Thanks for having my back. I reported it. Yes now that we are aware of it will allow us to triumph over it.

[@johncorson6599]

Very similar family /mother dynamic projected on me. Catholic stuff shoved in my face, result: hated church. Friends of my mother would tell her I am the most handsome of her 5 boys but in private she never was complimentary or did or say things to boost any of my self esteem in any way: result I never felt good about me. When 2 other siblings were living in the house (of 7 total) I was expected to cut the grass, shovel the snow and rake the leaves .. all thru high school .. I simply can’t remember my other siblings at home ever doing it .. result: I moved my bedroom to the basement and played guitar all the time to escape. My father beat me once which actually I liked because for once he paid attention to me even though I do not believe he was a narcissist but was pushed to do so by my mother in my belief .. there was another truly traumatic event outside the home and not once did my mother or father see that I was in a real struggle . When I told my mother about it her response was so cold and cruel I went on a 10 year drinking binge .. told my other siblings and they were totally apathetic .. I’m far better off being away from my siblings now that the parents are deceased .. their behavior is exactly the same and toxic to me

[@user-gl8vv8ck8j]

It's the endless false feedback that anything fair to you is somehow you hurting the narcissist, ruining everything, being unfair or cruel, causing pain, or just crazy because of endless excuses that do not make any sense and everyone in the system goes along with that because of their own perceived benefit. They don't want to be the bad one. And no one ever questions the fact that none of it is reasonable, necessary, or appropriate in any way.

[@HeartFeltGesture]

Yes, the whole family unit is luxuriating in the "glad its not me" mentality. F*ck the lot of them.

[@MD-vb1hq]

My skin literally breaks out in eczema when I have contact with my family of origin. My mother recently dispatched my cousin to show up unannounced after more than 5 years no contact, including my move across the country and getting a restraining order against them. My eczema has broken out again.

[@aquateal384]

So sorry you're experiencing this. But the wisdom in your body is signaling you that you are in a harmful situation. You deserve to be healthy and happy.

[@Natasha_Nisha]

True I once got shingles from the stress, it affects the immune system, I'm constantly made sick from that toxic field

[@veebliss1266]

It did same to me I would get rashes as well

[@dancingnature]

Broke out in hives as a direct reaction to being threatened and screamed at by my violent father. Rather than confront him ( which I honestly didn’t blame her for , he was bigger stronger and heavier) she blamed me for having “ allergies to strawberries and oranges. She struggled to restrict me from eating them but I knew I wasn’t allergic to fruit. (Mother’s repressive abusive fantasyland beliefs are a whole ‘nother story of toxic cruelty) . I was allergic to being threatened with violence by a violent man

[@boutiquelove5391]

Yes I have had eczema since a child it was sooo bad and my mother never cared. It goes away when im away from her Its linked

[@catjones2684]

I think getting past that first year of being out of the field was the hardest part for me. Finding new fields and common interest groups has been super helpful.

[@cheeksmcgill9858]

Wonderfully stated. I needed to hear we are not removing ourselves out of spite, but self preservation.

[@dancinginthepurplereign4126]

When I was staying with my family, I didn't trust men I.e Heterosexual men. That fear of men just got diminished. It's not something I worked towards, I just realized one day that I am no longer scared of men. That's just a bonus benefit of being 1 year No contact. I also am more cognizant of people talking down on me. I realise it quicker and faster because I don't hear it often.

[@HeartFeltGesture]

Yes, Ive noticed that too, the subtle condescension of others. And just how common it is for people to be walking around assuming superiority to others, as an artificial lazy way to feel confident and dominant. I had to take a good look at all my "friendships" after I woke up to family narc abuse. Of course there were plenty of narc types posing as friends, subtly assuming superiority and taking subtle jabs left right and center. There is a meme floating about that says "Before you diagnose yourself with depression, first make sure you're not surrounded by assholes."

[@z1z2z3z]

Tremendous video! SO validating, so clarifying. I have been experiencing all of this. Jay is correct. You need separation but be prepared for the anguish that may come, when they try to get you back into the orbit. "Radical self-care," I love that phrase. (If you are questioning if they really are sorry and want you in their lives, see if they sincerely apologize, show respect, listen, go to therapy, give you space... show you human decency that you would show another.) THANK YOU JAY!

[@MsGrinny]

I moved away in 2014. I was in a psych ward for 3 months, as I'd tried to move away the year before, but have severe anxiety (generalised anxiety disorder), and it skyrocketed, as I couldn't cope with being so isolated. I'd tried to take my life, as the anxiety was intolerable, so ended up in hospital. My father is the narcissist. I arrived with my mother. When my father appeared he proceeded to get into a screaming match with my mother, which made me hysterical. It wasn't the first time I'd done something like this, but I'd stopped telling my parents, mainly due to such comments as "why do you keep doing this to us?", from dad. He'd put me down since late primary school, called me names, told me my marks weren't good enough at high school (I had epilepsy - mild version, but horrific - throughout highschool, not diagnosed till 2nd year uni, as my parents believed I was seeking attention). He questioned subjects I took at uni, as though he was perfect and I was the black sheep, but my subjects weren't good enough (again). I was 40 at that point, trying to leave home, very insecure, low self esteem, felt worthless etc. Eventually I got away. I'm now living alone - when first out of hospital, I could barely walk around the block. My father rarely acknowledges me, if I call to speak to Mum. Out of sight, out of mind. He's realised that I've moved on, basically, and so has given up. Both parents were and still are alcoholics, and loved screaming at each other. I was always threatened with "what will the neighbours think?", when looking back, the neighbours were well aware of my family having problems due to its level of noise, and complaints made about overgrown shrubs that the council had to clean up, several years later. But throughout my childhood I was made to feel responsible for many of the family's problems. Absurd to think a teenager could be wreaking havoc in a family, being the reason for their disfunction - I was a nervous wreck, struggling, but always trying to do my best, petrified of what would happen if I didn't. Please excuse the long message. Thank you, Jay for your regular videos/messages. I've come quite a long way, and I at least know now that I'm not at fault. (From Australia)

[@susannahfox7188]

I think it's unrealistic to think there is any way that breaking away from the narcissistic family "field" will not be considered an act of warfare by said narcissist and flying monkeys. The narcissist wants you dead anyway, even if you stay within the "field." I finally came to understand that my mother was playing the role of a cat, and I was a bird, trapped in the house by screening on the door. Reinforced by her always having 2 to 3 cats in the house my entire life, when I was living with my family of origin, and then, trying to gift me with cats as I was phasing out of the system.....

[@firehorse9996]

I have regular nightmares about being stuck back in Ohio with my family. Scenarios are: I arrive for a visit FROM FRANCE where I have lived for 20+ years!!! and then I have to take a job working to pay for my own food, etc. but don't have a car and am STRANDED and reliant upon my mother for rides to get to work and about to get fired because I have no transportation (this happened because she never let me take the car when I was a teenager). Or, they all go away for the day to Disneyland or something and leave me at home and I have no way to get to the airport and panic because I will miss my flight back to France. Last in-person visit was Christmas 2017 and my dad had me in tears 4 times in 3 days with his horrible mean cutting remarks and then I went to my mother's house on the other side of Florida, where they both live now. What a nightmare. Literally. I just had this dream last night, probably because I was thinking about Father's Day today. Some really repressed trauma to unpack there.

[@marycrowley1442]

@Fire Horse I divorced my husband in 1993. By 1997 our only tie was our adult daughter. We went on different paths. He got remarried and raised step children. I made an awesome group of friends and had adventures including traveling. However, I had reoccurring dreams that I was back with my ex and that he was trying to restart our dysfunctional life again with all the narcissistic, destructive behavior. In my dreams I was able to calmly and sternly tell him “No” and have total peace about it. I realized that this meant I was getting better just by being away from him and finding my tribe. I did not get away from my mother and grandmother when I was younger and it had a detrimental effect on me. They have both passed away and I am left to recover from abuse. My sibling relationships are breaking apart and I am happy to let nature take it’s course. However, my older sister wants to hold on to me but I can not trust her. She is narcissistic and has been dishonest and abusive as a way of life. I have never been on the same page as her. Part of me feels compassion for her and part of me detests her. I pray about it and listen to great podcasts like this one.

[@777Tig-b4v]

They’re reprobates. It’s a battle of good vs. evil. Tale as old as time…

[@sylviaking8866]

I found going no contact was the best way to heal.

[@marcharsveld2914]

It's the only way. You can't heal where you got sick.

[@ladyloungealot5119]

When I was 18 my father passed away, therefore my option to go to university was 0. I took up the opportunity to study abroad as an exchange student, which I deserved as an exceptional achiever, and it was totally founded by the government. At that time I had no idea that my abusive mother was narcissistic. The freedom and peace of mind were overwhelming! It was difficult to return to my mother's house five years later, where she resumed abusing me as before. I have worked very hard to manage to escape to the other side of Earth. This involved my sister, who also abused me (another narcissist), so I ran to another state. 20 years later, I only need to remind myself to not give in to my sister's threats and demands, and in-between enjoy my life. BTW, my mother having no scapegoat to suck the life energy out of developed cancer and passed away.

[@HeartFeltGesture]

Good for you, the abuse never stops, they are addicted to torturing us, it makes them feel good, like a sadist. I have a sister I know will be the same when I move far away (soon), she will be the type to fly to the city Im in and try to have a confrontational argument about how Im hurting our mother. Im ready for it, and will also stick to my guns and not budge.

[@Ladybirdtaj]

Awesome 💜

[@Ladybirdtaj]

Story, thanks for sharing ‼️

[@Ladybirdtaj]

You're strong 💪

[@ladyloungealot5119]

Thank you. But, when we are told to go 'no contact' it is much easier said then done. We are the ones who have feelings. The narcissists would have absolutely no trouble abandoning us, if were no use to them.@@Ladybirdtaj

[@amberinthemist7912]

I've been told I was too sensitive my entire life everytime I've made the slightest request or put up any boundary. Even "I'm busy with finals please don't bother me unless it's an emergency" is just ignored. I've decided that they are right. I am too sensitive for this "family" and I am seeing myself out. On to live life with a bunch of sensitive people who respect boundaries and speak kindly. They can find a replacement for me who is not too sensitive and will allowed abuse and judgment be heaped upon them. Not likely!!

[@thesehandsart]

The more I individualize and set boundaries the more they create situations that feed their idea of their superiority and seek to diminish me. This has now devolved into alternating episodes of control, the silent treatment/exclusion from the group and threats to kick me out. It's been difficult to say the least and I can't wait until I am able to get distance...until then I will do my best to use this time to narc proof myself. I can pretend to go along with their antics more easily the more I put myself before them even if only in my mind😌

[@lorab1912]

Wow! Evolutionary. In 1978 at 17 my psychiatrist told me I was the Scapegoat for my mom dad & sister. Then medicated me & at 61 blown away by your insightful explanations!

[@daniellejohnson8910]

WOW!

[@angelflorence]

Just turned 21 two days ago. 21 years of abuse and I’ve been doing the inner/shadow work for the past year but I can’t take it anymore, I’m moving even if it kills me

[@dancingnature]

After decades of sadistic emotional abuse which devolved in to financial abuse and violence, I ended up kicking that parent out of my house when she came over uninvited long after I’d refused to give her any contact information about me . The sheer relief I felt was indescribable. Due to family pressure from basically non toxic family members I had to go low contact and kept up the facade for years until one day she decided to start her old sadistic tricks and I called the mental health people on her. Everyone jumped down my throat but not one of them ever understood about how sadistic and destructive she was and I wasn’t having it. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired of her cruelty !

[@dancingnature]

Thank God she’s dead now and I never have to experience that selfish unfair hostility ever again !

[@PowWowDAO]

For me, this applies to the entire United States.

[@pebblebrookbooks4852]

Yes Jay that's the dynamic! Some ppl/groups are vortices that are really hard to crawl out of.

[@SSJ0016]

Electromagnetism the other week, now we're onto Field theory and gravity. LOVE IT!

[@user-uh5tb9er4o]

same here! love the integrated approach

[@makaylahollywood3677]

I have a big family, so this video showed up right on time. No contact for several years. Recently tried to do low contact with one sister. It partly felt good. But, she's connected to the toxic bunch. I send gifts to my nieces, nephews. It's not simple. It's emotional. I used to show up when my mom was alive. Now, it's too scary. I wish I had a blueprint, or a map to show me exactly what do. I've been trying on relating like a pair of shoes- just doing low contact, see how it feels. I feel sad because as much as I want to connect with some, they are connected to others whom we don't share the same feelings. I almost felt better with cutting off the whole system. Am I copping out?

[@dnk4559]

I so understand this dilemma. I’m working on seeing if I can be around them without taking their behavior personally. It’s my last ditch effort. I can’t change them, I can only change myself.

[@3rdStoneObliterum]

Low contact is probably toxic

[@victoriahiley8395]

No it’s not a cop out you are just protecting yourself. I do this with my 3 siblings because they are disrespectful and abusive. Yes I’d like to be able to be closer to them but it is never a rewarding experience. Like you I had contact with them till our mum died. After that there was no reason to but I always send birthday greetings and if they were in a fix I would still help them. It takes a long time to come to terms with having no family (but I do have my son who I love to bits so I am thankful for that and I have quite a few friends too).

[@makaylahollywood3677]

@@victoriahiley8395 Thank you to everyone here..the support lifts my spirit and validates my option to remove myself to feel safe.

[@icalotdonthide2646]

Cut them all off, them and the kids.

[@kimmccord1103]

Video on the damage an alienating parent does to the children pls!

[@brenner5147]

Hardest thing I’ve ever done and sustained. ~2 weeks. Essentially stole one of their cars and waited to be detained to get away. Thanks Jay.

[@brenner5147]

Best thing*** as well. I remember how desolate….

[@Angel-se4zm]

Thanks Jay. Interesting this feeling of disorientation, just realized it’s what I was feeling today.. big family stress currently, and trying to stand up to the “ mob”.

[@HeartFeltGesture]

You dont stand alone, all scapegoats stand with you, visualize this the next time they are ganging up, we are in silent solidarity from shared experience, because its all very similar the world over. But ultimately, relocate and get as far away as physically possible, dont give them any more opportunities to play their stupid games.

[@lambchop6278]

I wanted to also say that David Celani's book "Leaving Home" is very good and relates to this topic. If one Google's the name of his book and 'Goodreads', you can find a long list of quotes that do a good job of condensing most of the best bits of the book. One thing I really got from it though, was that: for an adult child of narcissistic parent/parents, it's necessary for them to form a substitute mentor type relationship outside of their family, before they can psychologically move on (and for some this is physical independence, but it's always also psychological independence). ...I found that getting a substitute family, for me it was a truly wonderful group of coworkers, did miracles for curing me of most if the anxiety disorder i suffered from.

[@kaworunagisa4009]

Perfect timing. I had to get in contact with Mommy Dearest and Sister Dearest the last couple days because my grandmother passed away, and my mind is currently fried and short circuited. There's the usual reaction to a family member passing, plus the pressure of the funeral and the funeral repast, add to that my autistic brain burning from the inescapable social interactions, and on top of that the 2 narcs are playing their usual mind games with a seasoning of well-meaning relatives "reminding" me to "take care of them at a hard time". With the cherry on top of the same well-meaning relatives using all kinds of cutesy feminine crap to describe my closeted-to-relatives trans butt. Fun. /sarcasm I'll have to rewatch this a few times because my attention is pretty erratic atm, and then again next week after the 9 days event.

[@andrepedersen5924]

Thank you, Jay. This "Field Theory" is very interesting, indeed. We never operate in a vacuum. Conversely, these same forces or principles can also be used to lead a healthy and fulfilling life

[@dapsolita]

Agreed. I am beginning to understand that I need to find/make my own healthy field. This is a bit challenging, though.

[@bonniewinfield3148]

I left my abusive family when I was 23, but inevitably saw them every few years. Each time, my mother would say, “Someday you’ll come crawling back,” and “The ball is now in your court.” I never knew how to respond. When I was in my 50’s though, I said the following. “Who is crawling? Me? You? And where are we crawling?” Then I finished with, “There is no ball, and neither is there a court. If you would like to just talk, I’m right here.” She began to cry. I did not realize until this very moment that those were the last words I ever spoke to her, that if she ever wanted to just talk, I would be there for her. How beautiful. Now I a crying.

[@whimsylore]

I've definitely felt this. It even feels like a field.

[@lambchop6278]

Genius. And so what I needed to hear.... I do agree. Fairly recently I made a major breakthrough, whereby I at last understood that my father had forced me to choose between a (possible) relationship with him, or my self. And then, because I at last understood that he was simply that mean spirited (and actually was choosing to do me harm) I then at long last, chose my self. ...After years and years if problems being set upon by narcissistic bullies in the workplace (my biggest self esteem issues have been tied to worth to do with capability and independence)... I suddenly felt no longer worried about this happening to me or being a problem anymore. And got a good job again and it's a real change as far as feeling free and no longer burdened like I did feel before. I feel hope for the future and independence from these jerks in more ways than one.

[@angieash9560]

so weird now that i know. they will make up stories and act like they have an answer to that lie planted at me. so they can chuckle at me. now i hold their feet to the flame, yet they just go back into the narc zone of clownville

[@jacquelinefroehle3583]

Wonderful information. Thank you 😊

[@KyleDorbu]

Dude my mom’s scapegoated me my whole life and I’m actually talented at shit she has been against me doing.. she’s killing me, I’m so uneased she’s about to blow up as if I were my father.. im an athlete, I barely can sleep, can’t fucking eat and drink like a fucking fish, and chain smoke cigs all fucking day from anxiety.. You help out big time man!!👊🏾💯💯

[@sirrantsalott]

Dude you sound like my older bro. He’s in his late 40’s and dependent on the kindness of others for living accommodations now. He was at the Center of our mother’s contempt. He still acts and behaved like a that traumatized kid around her but what he didn’t have the opportunity is to open up himself to content like this. I tried to save him but he ridiculed me for believing in him and for wanting the best for him. It’s not his fault. My ma did a number on him and to this day. My dude if you can leave your family of origin as soon as you can, it will be your saving grace. I went no contact and although it’s hard as shit, the inner peace I feel is worth it. Also, try not to get into any romantic relationships yet or get out of your gf displays the same behaviour unless you’re lucky and she’s truly kind hearted. Peace.

[@jordanblahnik1035]

Thank you for this outstanding information. I respect all the other channels and their efforts to help people understand narcissistic abuse. The difference between this channel and the others is, you focus more on recovery of the scapegoat than the narcissists themselves and their behavior. The results of their abuse is what’s important to me. Healing the damage done and how it has effected the scapegoat is thoroughly explained here. The behaviors of the scapegoat as a result of the abuse are spot on.

[@sll110]

Thank you so much, you are saving lives😘😘😘🙏🙏🙏🙏

[@diannalamantia1702]

Spot-on, Jay. I’ve been living in defiance for about three years and it does upset the hive something awful! They want “normal” at my expense and I have openly stated that I don’t wish to adhere to their rules. Talk about funny!! They declare there are no rules even as they impose the rules upon me. It has allowed me to separate because it creates a discomfort for them. I reject their rules! 😎

[@ARK-xm2nb]

Yep even played economic abuse and I'm destitute now.... I still won't conform back never. I'll rebuild.

[@beautifulawareness1707]

Hi 👋 How are you doing now?..

[@KasiaZosia04723]

I have done hypnosis by a professional to help me cut the cord from my abusive family…it helped me sooooooo much!

[@EarInn]

This is so true, that you have difficulty understanding the unfairness of the situation you grew up in because you are so used to it.

[@MagneticNorthbound]

I've always loved the intuitive aptness of oribital mechanics/gravitation as a metaphorical framework for understanding human interaction, but I never new about field theory---which seems to share some salience in analogy. Thanks Jay---I love the detail and gentle fluency you offer in regards to ostensibly fraught topics.

[@kLk1313]

Distance only helps once truth has taken seed in the targeted's mind.

[@hope5443]

I can't properly express my gratitude 🙏

[@elizabethseiden9938]

When I first escaped my scapegoat role, my sister called my neighbor. She claimed that it was urgent for me to call my dad or he could have a serious health problem. Of course it was a big fat lie! He used my own sister against me!

[@franciscoguevara9727]

The family system is toxic , by a narc parent. Ive got 3 years in healing. my dad is a narc i was the scapegoat. My parents got a divorce. My dad was out of the picture, i lived with him alone for 2 years he continued to be a projector and a scapegoater. I became alcoholic to cope with that pain. I left that house as soon as I could. It was horrible, my mom definetly dropped the ball to send me to live with him, though that being said, She was also abused by a narcisist my dad, and so she could've been in a fog too. Shes never done healing work, though her own mother is a narcissit so she has trauma too, maybe lives functionally but has trauma. So after getting sober and then do trauma healing work in support groups , i connected to my sense of self again because narc abuse targets that and also had good boundaries , because thats what my inner children where asking of me. We're mostly adults now so I lived with mom and a younger sibling, when my younger system would visit these dynamics would repeat a little but me having good boundaries i wouldnt allow her for instance, who developed strong narcisisitc traits to project at me. I would set a boundary , not take on the shame, and disengage, at times she'd have to take it back, and look like a fool. She like all narcisists has that victim/bully complex, lack of self-awareness, entitlement, rage, victim complex, manipulation, grandiosity etc. I still live at home, but only with a codependent mother, its still some of my siblings narrative that i should get over trauma , and I'm working gently , and responsibily , and with attunement to heal it, everyday and i've found great and a lot of connection to my sense of self-, insight, answers, empowerment, agency, in the healing process and ofcourse knowing that i am more than just a person healing a human that also is living and wants to get into my hobbies, passions , career , etc. Healing is necesary for me to attune to unpack and get the empowerment and agency to navigate difficult people , and choose healthy people to connect with where my needs matter, and theres too, something a narc family system cannot do. But they're literally not physically living in the same house/country than me for most of the time, I have good connection to my sense of self and boundaries and know what I dont have to allow from them or from anyway, so i can continue to unpack my childhood stuff and to continue to thrive even if at times its more difficult than others!

[@AJ22-80]

After finding really good people in the world, I no longer want to be with my family at all. They are all affected by this dysfunction. How do i maintain a relationship with my nieces who thru no fault of their own have also been strongly influenced, dysfunctional and painful to spend time with?

[@こなた-m1o]

OMG. i can relate so much to not wanting to be around my family AT ALL after finding healthy people. damnit why did i come back here.

[@juneelle370]

So incredibly good 💜 guts so glad and grateful

[@sk.2422]

your videos are helping me very much, thank you

[@billytitus1519]

I broke contact with my parents and my brother for the second time in the fall of 2022 after slowly distancing myself again. This after initially already doing so in 2018-2019. I felt guilt, regret, wondered if I was delusional (I am bipolar, just like my grandfather, and two uncles on my mother's side), or faking it. It was the best choice I made. Both my dad and my mom tried various times to contact me, as did my brother. I am still in contact with his twin brother, my other younger brother, and his wife. They respect my choice and especially his wife is aware and translates this for my brother. They were also in therapy and are truly happy now, and blossoming. He and his twin have demanded behaviouiral change from the both of them if they want to see their grandkids. More than that, my parents who are divorced, following my disappearance from the family and iuts events and weddings and the like, are finally, after years of silent warfare, in system therapy with each other and with my brothers. I declined.

[@therealspixycat]

Excellent. It feels like punishment of the narc and the enabler while it feels much healthier to have no contact at all. Thank you very much.

[@izawaniek2568]

Thank you for This extremely important and supportive message.

[@giulias.5104]

These physic analogies are on point! It feels very much like an energy field, who tries to remain stable, and has a gravitational pull that bring people back in! Yet, it is possible and good to distance yourself from it, heal, and to make new healthy connections. Healing, and reeducating ourselves are the keys in my experience. Thank you for sharing these valuable informations Jay.

[@inira7418]

That's clear as water, it must cause some destabilization in system if someone get out. Everybody wants to contact the same, except the one who is unhappy with the system

[@Luke-ei2yv]

Spot on mate, great video 👍

[@gheles]

11:34 is for me the key to freedom,thank you Jay.

[@kdjourney51]

Field theory is a helpful context.

[@kimberlymccracken747]

Jay, this is EXCELLENT 👌 Thank you so much 💐

[@kristinmeyer489]

Sadly, EXACTLY.

[@mikejarrells431]

Thanks & good job. I agree. Have you considered expanding this beyond the family context? Is religion a form of toxic & dysfunctional relationship? How about capitalism? How about the entirety of human society? 🤔🤨😉

[@katray7452]

Yes. Yes and Yes. In nature a cell structure starts that way. One makes two makes three...so it goes. We replicate to manifest a larger, stronger organism. Fear is the bloodline in our society of collective narcissistic behavior. To buck against such a force is hard. I hang on the hope that we, as empathetic people can collectively group together to start our own movement towards better mental health and behavior.

[@marcharsveld2914]

Beware. God's a narc too.

[@MURNIDETTE]

Thanks for sharing this. I care a lot about my siblings relationships but they are so weird and complicated since going no contact with my parents. we share so much trauma but they're willing to stay in the system. It's hard for me to watch and hard to talk to them sometimes. Luckily they mostly haven't given in to my parents attempts to manipulate me with those trusted people. But it's hard and I really have to watch what I share and with who

[@elizabethseiden9938]

I have done a family cut off recently for the second time. I really wanted to meet my one year old niece, but my brother might be narcissistic too. He’s very controlling and he’s one of my dad’s flying monkeys!!

[@pearpo]

Great material.

[@pearpo]

Awesome descriptions. I would describe this feeling as driving in a sports car and there is a rope or chain on your axle which pulls the car, especially on turns or changes. It makes transitions in life more challenging.

[@shawnmarie1912]

Not sure if my Dad wss a narcissist but he used to tease me to the point of me crying while he was mockingly laughing at me. He used to call me Shawn (Mary) , my mothers name instead of Shawn Marie, after my grandmother, and laugh n laugh when i corrected him. He gave me many cruel over the top bare butt spankings. When I wanted to study for EMT he said no, I would have to put my makeup on before I left the house. When my younger sister got older they had the best relationship, joking all the time, ignoring me. I was the scape goat, invisible, ignored, critizised. My brothers n sisters treated me with disrespect too. Since leaving home have had two long term relationships with narcissists. What do you think?

[@saymyname8843]

Thanks so much Jay! Love your videos

[@enriquereza2363]

Thank you 🙏

[@spartan1857]

Ya. The field theory is also a good explanation why normal people become brainwashed in cults. It happened to me. The field wears you down, and then you in deep k******ka. Your mind dies and a new one takes its place - the leaders bullsht. You become a zombie-lemming and the system stabilises with you in it. Amazingly, sometimes the force was so strong I could not open my mouth or speak properly in that place. It was like some force prevented me from offering a counter-view. Was so weird for me, but overtime I forgot... until I collapsed mentally and then left, but in much pain.

[@wordscrafter]

this makes so much sense, thank you! here's a question/possible idea: how do you get the programming out of your head?

[@user-lh5ig2hh7o]

It always infuriates the controllers and manipulators when you head towards success and make the necessary changes as if they are more satisfied with you being down not doing well and around to give them the highest respect while you simultaneously are their outlet for frustration like a punching bag and they view it as an attack or hostility and disrespect when you put up healthy boundaries that you don't allow them to cross this could be them telling you what to do and micromanaging you and when you disallow them to do that all of a sudden you're disrespectful you're given the silent treatment gossiped about and a whole litany of hostility always coming out but this has served as a learning experience to deal with people out in the world or in the workplace or anywhere you may encounter someone like this and as soon as someone shows a sign that they are going to use you or walk all over you you need to stop that right then and there or else it will continue however they perceive that does not matter they will always perceive it as wrong because it's not the desired outcome they had hoped for when their motive is to control

[@lauriedmills7581]

Agreed re field theory applying. You really know your stuff, sir :). Thank you for helping us.

[@dnk4559]

As always, thank you Jay!

[@gabrielleaumont3971]

A very insightful, helpful talk. Learned a lot. Thank you!

[@warrenbradford2597]

I was not 100% honest with myself when I said independence is a want. It is what Indeed. I need to avoid the tractor beams as best as I can.

[@dark7angel456]

As always these videos are helping me get better thank you. Can you make a video on the psychological torment and mind reading/telepathy of the narcissist? They take over my mind and invade my mind. Can you make a video on the Frozen mind state and inability to feel like myself. And also a video of how to escape that low scapegoat feeling of relocated toxicity.

[@user-uh5tb9er4o]

awesome detailing of this facet of the experience, thank you for teaching us about it!

[@AA-lq5pu]

Very helpful! Thank you for the wonderful content!

[@Atomichabits5]

Debating here if I should take help that’s offered from a family member when everything in me tells me to just run & get away from this person

[@habermanfamily2196]

Listen to your gut... don't take help that comes with a whole package of disfunction... entanglement....

[@staratlast]

Follow your instinct

[@sregan5415]

This was wonderful, Jay... a question: do you feel it is necessary to go No Contact with a narcissist to fully heal? The video says "getting away". But is that just space or NC? I've tried to limit my interactions with my narcissistic father but he won't accept me calling him less than once a week and makes me stay on the phone with him for hours. This is "limited" contact for him, and he still harasses me by text additionally. This is despite telling him I am very busy and unable to give more of my time. He doesn't respect this, has no boundaries, and constantly finds new ways to get me involved in things and hurt me. I'm beginning to see that NC is the only way. Do you believe NC is the best/only way to heal in such a situation?

[@christibyerly4298]

Do you recommend complete cutoff of all communication, or some "gray rock", or limited exposure? Or is it case by case?

[@loveregardless2857]

Thank you.

[@203blessings]

Haha escape the tractor beam

[@Mary-sm7fd]

Distance doesn't mean anything. No Matter what I do. He won't leave me alone. I've bought 3 different phone 3 different email address. He keeps finding me. listening on all my phone's even landline .

[@uyoebyik]

Are you in contact with someone who is also in contact with him?

[@Mary-sm7fd]

@@uyoebyik No

[@cynthiafortier2540]

Call the police and file a harassment complaint. I did, quiet now.

[@stonemanson4884]

👍

[@jamesrutter4100]

Pathetic people. "This is hurting your mother, how dare you cut ME off"