Recovery from feeling small after narcissistic abuse

[@winterqueenkel]

This is my entire life...making myself small to keep peace. No matter the situation. I just want to avoid confrontation and be left alone. It's lonely but it's quiet.

[@reesedaniel5835]

Same. I would "dumb myself down" around people just to "fit in".....then they treated me as though I was an idiot (though I am far smarter than any of them).

[@b_b_b5146]

I can relate perfectly. I was conditioned to play small in order to fit in and get along with my family, especially on my father's side. It seems like it was required from me to dim my light and be small to be loved and accepted. Well, if this kind of behaviour is required, I was never loved and accepted for who I truly am.

[@b_b_b5146]

@@reesedaniel5835 In my case, it was the opposite. When I dumbed myself down they treated me not so bad, but they treated me in a very condescending way and I believed they treated me that way because it was their way to show love towards me! When I showed I knew on a topic more and better than them, they would use psychology reversal calling me idiot or retarded to trigger some kind of silent response from me. Those people are pure evil.

[@user-vt9kd4no8j]

Me too 😕

[@user-vt9kd4no8j]

@@b_b_b5146 agreed

[@willowwhite7196]

My biggest frustration is that there is no law to protect the victims against such mental torture.

[@Thysta]

That really is a problem. As long as blood is not spilling it is all legal.

[@willowwhite7196]

@@Thysta Exactly!

[@willowwhite7196]

@Berlinetta ____ You got it right! It is a very lonely path for the victims. I am grateful I have God on my side. He is leading me, and is with me throughout this creepy lonely walk.

[@annewoods3528]

The narc should be viewed as predator, not just toxic people. They need victims for their pathology like a pedophile needs a victim.

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

Exactly

[@johndeal4381]

I still feel small at 65, as a matter of fact, invisible.

[@LEORofYAHWEH]

You've got a couple years on me, but I sooooo understand you, Most likely the situation is that you are above average and quite interesting. If only you weren't held Down by someone in your life.

[@dorothybingham3205]

I'm 65 too. I just now went no contact with my mom and family. The emotions are hard to process but with a therapist help I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I pray you will too.

[@tessarae9127]

The teabag I’m drinking from right now says “Happiness IS an accomplishment.” 💜 Hang in there folks. You got this.

[@Christrulesall2]

Yogi tea.

[@rs5570]

I think there are only moments of happiness in any life. They tru to sell us ideas like that but research I’ve read states it’s harmful to people to have the idea that happiness is something it’s not. Then people feel deficient and think everyone’s life is happier than theirs. I don’t think there is a “happy life” but there are lives w more happy moments than others. I think that saying is a recipe for depression.

[@ericxb]

Facts

[@ericeric463]

That tea bag got some mad facts, keep drinking that! 🥰

[@valeriegonzalez6629]

With all the strictures, demands for submission, deference, adulation, conformity with their viewpoints, not to mention searing insults/ putdowns and criticism, one indeed becomes a smaller self.

[@reesedaniel5835]

The cost of admission to a relationship with a narcissist is self annihilation...

[@jedd1999]

It IS a survival mechanism.

[@terridillon3053]

Exactly. We were amateurs and the are the professionals. Professional liars, manipulators, abusers, and covert. No one would willingly go toe to toe w such evil.

[@gloria.sur.youtube]

That's a great list. I'd add to it threats of retaliations, humiliations, the silencing and sanctions of all kinds to your basic needs. :(

[@scottwells2456]

Infantalization. Belittling ( Be Little), contempt, criticism, devaluation, manipulation, triangulation, mockery, Jeeri ng sarcasm, shaming, invalidation - to keep one small/controllable. Parentification - when the Narc is feeling needy, vulnerable etc.

[@user-zy8gk2nn7d]

eveything to destroy own child's life -= goal of a narc parent and biggest achievement

[@reesedaniel5835]

@@user-zy8gk2nn7d If not for my loving paternal grandparents, the narcs would have succeeded.

[@Cosmic-Cat.]

Like the reference there belittle = be-little

[@Jonistired]

True story: my father used to beat me up pretty regularly. All through my childhood I had a recurring dream where I fought a faceless opponent. In the dream I moved in slow motion while my opponent moved at normal speed beating me up. At 18 I took a job doing manual labor. After a couple months of carrying heavy weights I had muscles on my muscles. I was still living at home though. One night my father got upset about something. He came at me with his fists raised but something had changed. My usual response was to stay quiet, show no emotion and take my beating. This time I stood there and sized my father up. I had a couple inches of reach and many pounds of muscle on him and I realized that if I fought back I would win. He must have seen something in my eyes because he dropped his fists and walked away. He never tried to hit me again. That night my recurring dream started as usual but instead of slowing down I was as fast as my faceless enemy. I beat him to the ground and never had that dream again. I’m not a violent person but violence was a big part of my upbringing. I needed to know that I had the right to defend myself. All this happened more than 20 years before I started on my path of recovery and it’s now been 50 years since that night. I’m still plagued with the feeling that I’m not big enough, strong enough, smart enough etc but some part of me knows that isn’t true.

[@soliel8999]

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Love and blessing to you and your life.

[@Loy1950]

I wish you’d been given the opportunity to deck him.

[@kali11123]

There is a split

[@Thysta]

"I needed to know that I had the right to defend myself. " I think this is the most important part.

[@rs5570]

Yes, i still don’t have any understanding that I can defend myself. I must be giving off some serious “kick me” vibes but I don’t know how these aggressive bullies & haters are able to pick me out of a group.

[@AnnaMargolin]

The problem for many women is that they get points for being "small" in many ways.

[@debwefoxx9389]

I have minimized my abilities and potential for decades because of the fears you describe here. Thank you for helping me see the root causes. The question process helped me unlock a psychological trap and some solution ideas poured in that allows me to move towards my career and relationship goals. Thank you 🙏

[@Chahlie]

The wasted potential is criminal.

[@christinebuckingham8369]

Can relate totally to your comment and this video. We sadly learn to play small.

[@b_b_b5146]

Keep moving towards your goals. You deserve them and so much more. You are worthy of them all. Peace and namaste.

[@b_b_b5146]

@@Chahlie Yes. That's why I believe that narcissistic people will be harshly judged by God when his day to come back to earth comes if they don't deeply repent themselves.

[@christinebuckingham8369]

@@b_b_b5146 Thank you 💖🦋💖

[@leeboriack8054]

If your small and undetectable: Good News: the perpetrator overlooks you. Bad News: your overlooked by quality people and opportunities.

[@mstygger3035]

Used to dreamt lots of dreams of gotten lost, wanting to go somewhere that I’ve no idea where, and felt extremely small and helpless. After the passing of my mother, I wrote on my journal that, I’m a grown woman of more than half a century and I’ve been doing better than my mother in many ways when she was my age, the nightmares stopped. Small steps

[@Thysta]

Wow this is so inspiring. Most of us really did a lot lot better than our parents.

[@LisaSmith-yb2uz]

what an awesome analogy to use "being in the ring" as the dominant experience of having been conditioned to be hypervigilant to our surroundings.. CPTSD is really like that much of the time.. until we become more aware of the fact that we were forced inside a ring against our will in the first place.

[@deathuponusalll]

THIS

[@SitesWithAds]

"Feeling small" stopped my scrolling. Under narcissistic badgering, I was very aware of Feeling small - actually Feeling physically smaller and smaller as she continued to put me down and use my opening up and my vulnerability against me. And that was in my 60s!

[@kimlec3592]

@ Matthew Osborn : Better late than never.

[@Erehtolleh1]

After the psychological aggression I endured from my mother I have found narcissistic people everywhere I worked as I have a very competitive profession; yet I have never found anyone that could be as hurtful and vicious as my mother. With my mother I learned to be resilient to criticism and this resilience allowed me to succeed in my career. I guess I have to thank my mother for training me to survive all toxic people I have to put up with in my life.

[@Me-xoxoz]

Funny but not funny but my mother made me resilient too.l became my ex narc ‘s nightmare because l could not bend.

[@deathuponusalll]

I have to agree with y’all here, there’s not much good that came from my fathers abuse when I was a little boy except for this, apparently -as it was news to me as of recently- all that made me very resilient. It is one of the really only good things to have come of it so far as I’ve discovered in my healing journey upon realizing what had happened to me

[@rs5570]

No. No thanks to her.

[@JessAnonymous]

That resilience is the ONLY Pro that comes out of narc abuse fr

[@juliandeville3806]

Same 🤣 I work at a juvenile detention center and the verbal abuse rolls off my back like water

[@pavla2055]

The focused need by narcissists to beat down their scapegoat lasts a lifetime . I was always really in for it if anyone paid any attention to me. - first by narc parents and then husband . The 'How Dare You Take Any Credit For ANYTHING You've Done' was the edict I was supposed to abide by . I was certainly never looking for the limelight so I was easy to pummel . My life was to be about inflating their egos at all times . It was usually raging verbal abuse when the people had left , sometimes physical punishment as well . This type of diminishing behaviour is impossible to forget I think and very difficult to leave behind . Trying to live in the present will help .

[@chris-vo1nh]

Yes still have this feeling when iam out socializing , I feel like a child round other adults even though iam 58 , I think it's the constant criticism, that affected my inner self worth

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

I am similar.

[@CorePathway]

I cut all of my meaningful career opportunities short because I felt like a child among adults. It’s nothing they put on me; it all came from within. I’ve known for 35 years that other people hold me in much higher esteem than I do myself; and this feels intolerable to me. So sad. But I’m reframing myself as the Cycle Breaker. It’s a terrible role to have to take on, but it’s how I’m reclaiming my power and agency.

[@JohnSmith-bm6zg]

The only honest thing my dad ever said to me was “I need to destroy your self esteem”.

[@barbarablackburn4755]

Some men are threatened by...everything. he told you the playbook so you could navigate. My mom said similar blunt trauma, as recently as last week. I'm 67. lol

[@newlife956]

Just as the narc's delusions-of-grandeur do not stand the objectivity test, so too does the scapegoat's low self-esteem and self-concept. As the scapegoat tests their own capabilities and IMPOSED limitation-thinking, the scapegoat achieves new levels of confidence and competence that challenge this projected self-concept (projected from the narc).

[@tonioinverness]

it's weird... I am 8 inches taller than my mother, but to this day in my mind's eye I am always looking UP at her!

[@titipinet4830]

It took the deaths of both my parents to feel free and safe enough to stop playing small.

[@honeymoonavenue97]

I recently discovered my mother is a narcissist. Makes sense since all those years ago she would say “you are much smaller than me” as a way to undermine me when she was mad at my grandparents.

[@mysterydiaz5302]

Omg…. This video lesson…Tears rolling down my face. After years of therapy… Trying to figure out what was wrong with me… I began to understand the narcissistic family system with me as the scapegoat. But still I could not understand why I always and still make myself small (was abused at work too). God bless you for this video… And of course for all of your work. This lesson really really filled in a gap in my understanding. In some ways it seems so obvious, and it is, but hearing it as an explanation from you validated me. (lol I’m still not my own authority) 1 million thank you to you for this video. One day my Ballroom dance teacher made a comment to me in the middle of a lesson “why is your self-esteem so low”. That comment has stuck with me and been swimming around in my head for a good five years now. In the meantime, I got real clear that it was a fact (not my imagination that I was the scapegoat and was gossiped about and ostracized from entire mother side of the “family”. The abuse was covert/subtle. Nothing you could put your finger on… At least I couldn’t. And back in the day psychologists were absolutely zero help. So since Internet and KZbin I’ve been studying this subject intensely. It’s all quite clear now….Just unfortunate that I’ve been so damaged for 69 years.

[@makaylahollywood3677]

It's now my job to sort out.."which part, ideas i let go of" and "which part is mine to keep". It just dawned on me..how I have been acting "small", not laughing too loud, etc...keeping to myself. And, even feeling as though- if I begin some new endeavor..they're around the corner to object. Thank you for your topics.

[@Erehtolleh1]

I learned that those who criticize the most are usually those who have achieved the least by themselves. So every time someone criticizes me, before I pay attention to what they say I ask myself who is this person and what has he or she accomplished without help in his/ her life?. I found that the few really great accomplished people I have known in my life have been supportive of me unconditionally.

[@MrSuperbluesky]

@@Erehtolleh1 wow thank you so true in my life as well

[@makaylahollywood3677]

@@Erehtolleh1 I think this is a perfect truth. Thank you;-)

[@janeylynn5934]

This is the story of my life. I’ve had to live my entire life, including my adult life, with my narcissistic parents. My parents expect me to be an extension of themselves, and I feel like I can never measure up to their expectations. I feel small all the time.

[@rw4754]

Saw a thing recently talking about toxic shame from childhood and discomfort in our skin. Dr said that the child feels the toxic shame in their body & therefore rejects their own body.

[@willowwhite7196]

Exactly my life. But God is rescuing me by opening my eyes to understand, that my identity is in Him only.

[@strugglingmillennial1298]

Drinking coffee and getting my dose of knowledge. Thank you, Jay. 🙏 Happy Sunday, everyone!!! 🌞

[@21andstuff60]

Thank you for existing and for doing such humane work on earth😭😭 please make more of these videos😭😭 I've been binge watching them as soon as I found them because as I watched them I realised someone knows exactly what this is like, and these videos are saving my life. I think it is the validation that helps me most - the validation of the sad and dismissed experience of being scapegoated and the profundity of the damages done onto one's life and the needs to look at the damages and the specific approach to heal these damages in order to finally be able to move onto a good life that I would love to live. I look forward to more of your videos, they are invaluable. Thank you, may god bless you -

[@annewoods3528]

Totally agreed. For the longest time, I couldn't anything about the impact of being constantly invalidated until I read Marsha Linehan's work on DBT. I don't think narc can inflict so much damage on the victim without the invalidation from others. Since I found Jay's channel, I have been binge watching every video. The validation is like the oxygen I was deprived of for so long.

[@Bibbzter666]

Yeah! I always feel like I'm a child and everyone else is an adult. Like I'm immature, childish, incompetent and impotent. I'm 47, 193cm tall, weigh about 93 kilos and have an IQ of around 135 and I think I look fairly decent, but still I walk around feeling like I'm this small, useless, ugly, stupid child among "grown-ups" and I often feel rage inside because it's so unfair that I feel this way. I know it's mostly in my head and comes from my childhood but I can't help feeling resentment and jealousy towards "normal" people. And I really despise people who act entitled and stuck up. I just want to walk up to them and burst their ego-bubbles. But I don't. I just feel shame instead.

[@ericeric463]

I know exactly what you are talking about and I am just realizing this it’s such a rude awakening! This is why I am seen the way I am and why I feel like a child in a room of adults. I also have realized in the group of adults especially work environments that I tend to be the most grounded and comfortable in myself also mostly happy. Just because others wore a$$holes to you don’t mean you have to carry their hate and be hateful to others. Also the stuck up people tend to really be the most fragile, don’t play the game with them silent treatment or brief chat no life details. You got this!

[@lauriedmills7581]

Being in that ring means provocation has already occurred simply by one's existence and act of breathing - getting KO'd is inevitable so sometimes the only power the victim has is "deciding when" the beating occurs thus just the right amount of provocation at just the right time ie early before he/she gets too much of a head of steam up but not too soon or it'll look too obvious, can often lead to getting the beating over n done with rather than living hyper-vigilant for the ambush, and hopefully less harshly if the lead up is not let go on too long. Psychological attack seems endless, relentless and unbeatable but then one day, somehow, a moment is reached where the heart prefers the pain of lost potential and loved ones rather than the pain of being treated as small all the time, and your insides walk away, and that is when you feel big. Hurting, but big. The pain is helpful to remind to never treat anyone else like that and to identify people to avoid. After decades of trying everything, something "clicked" inside me & I've walked away from my family. I doubt I'll be missed.

[@goldieh7121]

So insightful, as always. Thanks Jay! I was kept small in relation to them and others, but as a family, we had to be seen as better than other families, more functional. My parents would prop us up to make them look good as parents. It created a lot of jealousy among extended family and friends. My parents are also big at comparing everything and everyone. Someone is always better than someone else. So to be small is also shameful. It's a huge double bind.

[@rachelmaxwell5953]

You're spot on with this double bind!!! Yes, 'play small at home to make me feel better, play big in the world to make me look better'.

[@goldieh7121]

@@rachelmaxwell5953 Well said!

[@dancinginthepurplereign4126]

You just described my family. They competed with the neighbors. Hard!

[@belovedchild9812]

You nailed it again. Growing my sense of self, to see how big I am has been a big part of my healing. Thank you.

[@tanyakashyap6944]

Narcissism and the victim are in an interactive dynamic.. that is reinforced as you rightly put due to their own worthlessness but also malicious envy that is expressed as abject hostility.. to be an interactive dynamic therefore is to sustain the dehumanising narrative in which the victim must at all times co-operate for the loop to keep going.. it is therefore vital for the victim to feel small and deny their humanity and exhibit the same.. once that stops or is not forthcoming it's an existential crisis for the Narcissist..

[@reesedaniel5835]

Just like Cain and Abel....where it all originated. Narcs are the seedline of Cain.

[@JessAnonymous]

Funny how you say Cain and Abel bc I literally lived a Cain and Abel story (minus the literal murder 💀)

[@cairosilver2932]

Yeah, possibly an issue is that in a video game the difficulty of the challenge is supposed to start at a certain point then get bigger - that's a natural thing to expect. To fight Mike Tyson on level 1 makes us expect the rest of the world gets even harder from here on out, not easier. A game that had extreme difficulty on level 1 then is far easier on level 2 would be badly designed and would not make sense at a basic level in ones mind. The analogy is good, it just throws light on how bad the real life situation was.

[@Anonymous-dh2lt]

I'm glad someone out there (you, Jay) gets it and is speaking to us about this. Thank you. I had narcissistic parents but the facts about narcissism and trauma weren't known until well into my adulthood, especially in my original country. It took another relationship with a narcissist for me to wake up to it.

[@barbaraalbert5600]

Have been writing in my journal for the last few months... "Want to be less, Not smaller" Exactly what's being spoken about. First time watching this. And tears(inside)... usually hidden by my reactive nasal barking at myself. Im also in Recovery, a "day at a time" . Conplete with having to believe in a higher power. Both 'parents' were narcs. Huh? And having to trust other people. Just because thats how it is. Blessings in disguise for bunches of menopausal age Women realizing we have Attention Deficits?? Yes as a matter of fact. The boys still get the attention. ..yes, recovering scapegoat. Thank you for this video 🙏😊

[@GLsJAwtomatica]

God bless you Jay Reid

[@janethomas78]

this man is the best!! HE KNOWS what YOU need to KNOW!

[@jemimahmoses3723]

Ur videos are useful for me to overcome the past

[@1RPJacob]

Being aware of the "Satir Model of Change", helped me a lot during transformation.

[@rizonata7044]

Thank you! This video answers a lot of questions I've been asking myself lately. In the best way possible. And thank you for the language you use in every video. Your kind, careful, and precise choice of words is very much appreciated.

[@Ariadne76-k3d]

Thank you for this. I wish I had had the confidence I should have had in my abilities. My whole life would have been different. Now I'm 60 so it's rather late now 😔

[@kimlec3592]

@ Meredith Anderson : Better late than not at all.

[@elizabethseiden9938]

I’ve been more confrontational lately, and I feel really great about it!

[@janettemartin4604]

I hope this is a good example, I have a HARD TIME dealing with women who remind me of my MOTHER! BUT I am drawn to them, same as with men who remind me of my Father! I feel a deep sense of LOW SELF VALUE and I BOOST THEM UP! It becomes just automatic! BUT I am able to realize when they seem to push things too far! Like for instance, THEY NEVER show UP for any set activity! AND they will continue to CALL ME and or text me like NOTHING HAPPENED!? But I am in the letting go stage and I feel like I am acting as if I lost my parents all over again! I let their WORTH be too big! I get sad. THOUGH I am making to choice to walk away I still feel sad! But I assume that is all messed up because I am loosing that predictability!

[@Dream_Dreamlit]

It's very difficult to complelty cut off narcissistic parent but sometimes is absolutely necessary to live good life.

[@jenniferg6818]

It was such an absolute relief. I could not do one more round in the ring.

[@HomeFrendsten]

Narcsists in our life are the ones who make us feel small since childhood ,

[@dennis3141]

Thank for explaining this! This is something I've been struggling with for as long as I can remember. You're videos are truly helpful! 🙏

[@Thysta]

"One will never face the same opponent." Truth.

[@SendItForward]

So far I have only listened to the 3.06 mark and I find that you have so accurately described my childhood that to this day I still make sure that all my ducks are in a row and each can be backed up, with reinforcement if needed, before I feel comfortable in challenging another's position. This was so ingrained in me that by the time I was in middle school and high school I was a master in Debate and probably why I enjoyed research in college and how it came so easily to me.

[@stevenhowe6677]

Watched a LOT of Narcissistic Abuse clips and must say Jay Reid seems to address and understand the deep rooted emotions/feelings experienced by the scapegoated victim of abuse. I have been searching in my world for someone that understands but to no avail.

[@lolo9553ify]

Thank you for the very helpful tips on how to move forward from narcissistic abuse. It's a doozy and you are both informative and encouraging.

[@nabilaxx6323]

This feels really validating

[@mmmchocolate140]

How can one get to know one's true size in the world today? I am trying to know my size through new business ideas and experiments, validating new friends, and listening to my own needs.

[@aquariusstar7248]

I have suppressed myself to be small to the point that sometimes when i allow myself to step outside of the jar i get over-inflated and larger than life in my mind, when in reality im just "smedium". Lol. Im learning to truly grow incrementally and realitistically into my true size. Thank you for this video!

[@jenniferg6818]

well said. I'm glad you said that. I have to inflate myself, and I often over inflate to inevitably deflate.

[@estherstohler]

This is an excellente advise: Just to let go. To let go is just perfect. If you are still asking yourself this question: "Is the person I am today would hold up against the rage of the narc.?" Because, if this question still is important to you, without realising it: Sorry to say so: you still want pleasing your parents. To forgive brings healing to your own soul. God bless.

[@cloudyogalondon3446]

Amazing video thank you so much, so much - it’s my whole life - I got out only to be thrown back in by getting sick and ended up trapped in the land of giants for ten years bedbound and only seeing that one person! Finally starting to understand why I shrink so much thank you

[@bbjoyce-je1vx]

I really enjoyed this and all of your videos. I watch them everyday. I gain knowledge on how to deal with ppl who are difficult in my family. Being " small" calmed my bullying mom & sister down a bit. They really liked viewing me as being much smaller than them. I am no contact now and feel safer away from their clutches. Being " smaller" saved me from more abuse when I used to be in contact with them

[@Harry-qw5jv]

Thank you for this video. I would love to know how I might eventually feel about new narcissists and sociopaths who I meet in daily life. If my nervous system recognises an abuser, I feel small. I still keep trying to prove to myself I SHOULDN'T feel small now, they're not my parent. That triggers shame. But I wonder if I will ever feel I can stand in my real height with such people. Or is this really more now a matter of knowing I will probably always hold a sense of real bodily danger about these people, but this sense of danger is now my ally, and instead of fighting it or trying to face these people 'like a adult' (I mean with dignity for myself, with not feeling small, with feeling worthy and not an ashamed kid) I'm actually freed from this constant fear and can learn new strategies to deal with them, eh walking away, leaving, keeping away, keeping safe people around me who can help me get away and who won't shame me if I have a panic attack after meeting abusive people? An example, an elderly very difficult neighbour came running out yelling when I walked past his house, he said my lawnmower was too loud at 10am on a Tuesday when he is still asleep. He does this sort of thing to all my neighbours. I froze, felt legs turn to jelly and wanted to run. Instead I just stood there frozen. I felt small. But possibly in time it's not a matter of being able to withstand this kind of situation like I think I should be able to? Maybe it's more a case of learning I deserve protection and that I can just walk away from him even if my legs are jelly? No idea.i have such difficulty thinking I should not feel small and should stop getting hijacked by my nervous system.

[@manytcnj]

Thank you for this... i still catch myself showing up to the gym...and kind of looking around and checking like can i be my "full size" here? Is this ok? Its basically that feeling in most situations.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

Sò true, and all the problems came after i started to object to this 'given' in our family that i do not have feelings. At the same time as she shames me for having expressed a feeling my mum tries to manipulate me was not considering her feelings. Basically, believing i have feelings that are equal to hers is a massive act of aggression i perpetrate against her.

[@meredithalbion3721]

The Mike Tyson analogy is brilliant! Thank you for all you do. It was one of the luckiest days of my life when someone on Reddit mentioned your channel and blog. Each day, I feel a little more recovered and truer to my authentic self.

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

Still feel small.

[@maynardwayward12]

I don't think I will ever be able to reach my full potential until my narcissist father dies. I'm in my 30s and just beginning to recover from this. Had no idea. I thought I was a 'small' person for most of my life. Now, the way that people reacted to me, and why I did the things that I did, make a lot of sense. (like never reaching for achievement; I was in the gifted class at an early age, and I just let my engagement slide, as my father constantly harangued me, afraid I would outpace him. Fuck, in retrospect, even my grandfather had this "The son's duty is to listen to father" belief he imparted on me).

[@Thysta]

That is something I never let my father do to me. It worked the opposite way, I became even more ambitious, reaching for even bigger goals. My only problem now is seeing attack, danger (physically OR psychologically) in places where there is just none. When one insults me (or even diss celebrities I admire online), I am also like a hydrogen bomb attacking an ant.

[@willowwhite7196]

Why is the pain so hard after realizing that we have been used by a narcissistic spouse. Why does the pain still persists, even after we forgave the narcissistic spouse?

[@Thysta]

I'm not surprised you are in pain if you forgave a narcissist. What makes you do that? I'm sure he did not apologize. Why forgive? Sounds like self-abuse to me.

[@izawaniek2568]

Thank you for this extremely eye-opening message.

[@gaylaaustin7468]

Fantastic content Thank you

[@M.I.R.K.A]

Good afternoon from Greece Jay, you offered parts of your soul on these videos! There is one period in life where a female is in great great dependency again in her life (12:40): When she returns home with her new-born.

[@kismypencek6185]

Thank you for the educational info to work on!

[@francesbernard2445]

Now I get why long after leaving more than one abusive to me situation before learning what my limitations are now I am experiencing a lot more anxiety and inertia when it comes to accepting a new opportunity appropriate for me soon enough. What good news to learn that fully healing is possible from the clipping of my attention span when being forced to be multi-tasking all the time for little return under a high level of stress. At first a teacher noticed that I could focus my attention on something for only 20 minutes at a time however he couldn't offer any reason why it was so. Now I know what it probable was. If I don't work on this more I could get stuck in it I want to find a balance between over reacting or under reacting by being altogether passive whenever someone in authority over me tries to assert themselves over me by trying to convince me that something is going to be for my own good when I know it isn't at the time.

[@Thysta]

" could focus my attention on something for only 20 minutes at a time however he couldn't offer any reason why it was so" Good examination from your teacher. I have a similar problem, I switch tasks, and sometimes I want to do one, but do the other. Strange.

[@leeboriack8054]

Jay, this talk has read my mind from the chains of parental bullying. I have forwarded this linked to many of my friends with a similar situation. Thank you!

[@TheViolettowne]

This was very good-I will listen again. I need to hear more about why Narcs need toact this way and I was able to understand better from this video. I grew up with a narc mother and now have narc daughter. I play small and it has been really getting extreme.

[@jessicasmith7102]

Yep! Because that's the way it is!

[@quantumfineartsandfossils2152]

3:00 "living in a land of giants" also relates to yes here is what I was referring to in your last video in relation to how we often work really hard to prove that we exist in a real dimension in the hopes that one day the giants are our equals & not giants any more

[@jacquelineberkey1133]

Thank you for this video Jay. Thank you for all your videos but this one in particular explained a whole lot of stuff I've gone through in my adult life. I'm so very thankful for you and your generosity in putting your understanding of these dynamics in your videos. You are helping sooo much. Thank you.

[@ericxb]

This video was awesome, thank you. It is a process to come back to your full size. The Chris rock anecdote was helpful too

[@GoodBodyJay]

wow... I'm always so surprised by how "typical" or diagnosable these systems are.

[@englishwithsanjuktadas]

I absolutely needed this.. thank you so much 🙏🙂

[@tarasfitworld]

Thank you for your incredible insights 🙏

[@amberfuchs398]

This seems difficult when "safe others" aren't the norm. Trying to step into my talents has often put a target on my back. It seems like it results in vindictive envy much of the time, which can be retraumatizing. I've also noticed the culture is full of bigots that use micro aggressions to try and bring down the target of hate. Especially if the target shows healthy pride and confidence. I'd like to hear more about Jay's view on vindictive envy.

[@Patricia-wy7fp]

Thank you, so much. I can't even begin to describe how much this fits me. This reframing will help with my healing immensely.

[@dancinginthepurplereign4126]

My older sister was my mother's soldier and she beat me as a child. Anyway, once I started healing, I stopped being afraid of standing up for myself. She hit me once and she won. Then she tried again. I had taken some fighting lessons. I beat her up. Then she stopped coming at me. But now I feel like I should've just called the police on her.

[@flamingrobin5957]

i invented a technique to stay large with my therapist while in my wounded child. we put our fists together and push against each other. it creates a sense of solidity, awareness, matching of energy while also connecting in a manly physical way. i think it might also be helpful to look into a mirror to see yourself with someone else who is intimidating to see yourself objectively compared to them.

[@l.s.3705]

So much help! These videos are so much help!

[@jeannined7532]

You have such a profound understanding of the dynamics in narcissistic abuse. You are the only person I have seen on KZbin that speaks to me of the deeper issues and talk about them in ways that are leading to a deeper healing. Thank you!

[@dark7angel456]

I have alot of feeling small from narc people... all over youtube getting attention and social media and everywhere else they go to for supply.... I end up BATTLING feeling small and having amnesia just to make them feel so good and big and contonue the gossip and contempt and neglect, lack of attention and empathy... Deprivation

[@menotyou6254]

Thank you

[@dark7angel456]

Searing trauma is horrible. Hatred and alienation, and discomfort most of the time. Dysphoria of the emotions while others have euphoria. I used to try and fight the feelings, i just gave up.

[@bygrace2me]

Your videos are so insightful. Thank you for posting these.

[@lorileclaire281]

These videos have become so important to me. Better than Dr. Ramani, although I love her, too. This is science-based help for the scapegoat. TY so much!!!

[@longstoryshort8657]

Was dealing with exactly this .. thank you so much

[@pammitchell4592]

This is so profound and insightful. Thank you for this video!

[@gheles]

Very good,thank you.

[@jennipoohead007]

This was very helpful. But do you have anything on breaking the habit of going back and overanalyzing everything I say or do in non-threatening relationships, like with family friends? I have been removed from the abuse for 5 years but I've lost my ability to intuitively determine if my peers are responding well or just afraid to tell me I said something wrong. It became a constant guessing game during the abuse.

[@buttercup1765]

Thank you so much!

[@yanx007]

(3:48) "i'm just trying to kinda capture some of this subjective experience..." That's not true. This is not capturing, this is an exact WORD FOR WORD and TOTAL description of the WHOLE experience. This eternal dread and motivationless motion of going to work and wishing that someday a "giant" will look at us fondly. I salute you, you psychotherapist genius that should've appeared in my life 40 years sooner.

[@harpert579]

Another great video Jay, this one really spoke to me also. I hope to integrate this wisdom and insight into my own recovery. Thank you for posting it.

[@HomeFromFarAway]

I need to push back against the idea that the abusive parent will never have control over you again. Many people leave bad marriages or lose jobs or get injured/sick and have to move back in with abusive parents. Denying that abuser's very real financial and social power over an adult child in a powerless role is a very toxic and dangerous form of gaslighting that I have seen repeated by many therapists who should know better

[@Anon-wg2cm]

^^ THIS.

[@maryroot2599]

Brilliant, spot on

[@phoenixfire2445]

Small feels like the right word.

[@Cosmic-Cat.]

Apparently repeated abuse or trauma can also stunt a child's physical growth/height. I am the smallest in my family and the tsrget for the narcisstic and physical abuse by both a parent and sibling, while the enabling parent just looked on. I always felt I was not "able" to grow as a child - like I was shrinking back down into my body. Edit: Consequently, when I'm with a group of people, it's like I don't exist and even though I talk and contribute - my voice is never heard.