The Injured Narcissist

Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter discusses Narcissistic Injury. When the narcissist feels wronged in any way it sets off a litany of foul reactions, so it becomes your task to determine how to respond most wisely.
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and psychotherapist who practices in Southlake, Tx. He has conducted many workshops and over 60,000 counseling sessions.
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[@mzmolly4898]

The really tricky part is when your narcissist does all of these things but makes it look like it's YOU that's doing them .. when all you're doing is defending yourself from them.

[@wheelerpat8]

Don’t defend. They like it. That’s what they want. (It’s a “gotcha!” moment for them.)

[@lisamorrison6337]

The opening statement in my first divoce hearing were the horrible things that he was doing and he stated i was the one that, ie, neglected the childrens due to MY DRUG ABUSE. Not onlt was i shocked, i had no opportunity to defend myself on this lie or the twenty other lies that i was being baraged with. One sided court. You would think that judges would be tranined and wise enough to see that one side is dominating the entire hearing. Most of his statements were downright abusive. It was so obvious he was abusive and hostile, yet the judge judt let him go off. Even telling the judge that i had sex with 6 multiple guys in my mothers bed on new years eve. Really,? not only was this story not true, the time frame he said was over ten years before I met him. He was just making me seem promiscuous and therefore a poor example for the children. Yet, the judge let him keep going.Calling me fat. Testifying that my doctor told him...When i tried to speak up and defend myself. The judge told me i would get my turn. That never happened Its been almosy 10 years since the divorce and i think i could have gotten over my 20 years with a serious, pathological narcissistic abusive relationship with an alcolholic, drug addict..... a lot sooner if i had had a fair judge. She allowed every hearing to be another abusive encounter with my ex., who was filubustering the court using vitriolic words to hurt me and make me look awful to the judge. That along with her lack of any due diligence with the money, saving, 401k. Childrens things. Alimony, child support.......... bla bla. Ya know I was raised to think highly and respect the law, judges and to believe in justice. I scoff at justice how. Because there really isnt any. Really if he /she is willing to break the law, they wont do anything. Contempt of court in family court , does NOT apply. HA. When it comes to following court orders for custody, visitation, blatent lying under oath. Paying child support, alimony, Getting caught useing hard drugs on daily basis and still retaining custody....i got news for you, there is no one in family court that checks on these things to make sure these orders are being followed. There is simply no one. Think this was the biggest loss that and dissappointment was that there is no law, rules, orders, oral or written that can or will be enforced. When I said he wasnt letting me pick up my girls. She pointed her finger at him and said, "You have those children ready to have their mother pick the up at 7pm tonight!". He said yes mam. He leaft the court hearing drove to thschool took the kids out of school early, noting inthe sign out sheet . Child is in danger from other parent. He promptly took them out of state for the entire long weekend. This is the stuff i struggle with. i wake up screaming and kicking in frustation. Its really harjlet go. i keep trying. Please anyone. i welcome feedback. I want to put this all behind me. Did anyone else have a bad court experience or been able to find advocates. If you read the entire spew, thank you. i do feel a little better being able to get that out. Thanks. Lisa

[@bryantyler2828]

ive been married 12 years and i was made to believe it was me OMG ITS NOT ME

[@mingballard]

Bryan Tyler I had that revelation, too. It flips your world on its head-but in a really good way. Be kind to yourself and take care of you. Healing is right around the corner.

[@dala8362]

Spot on

[@tedschmitt178]

The narcissist will accuse the victim of doing everything that the narcissist is actually guilty of (lying, cheating, verbal abuse, physical abuse, and threats of all kinds). Thank you Dr. Carter. Through your videos, I have gained a great understanding of what I went through for 32 years, and the reasons behind it all.

[@carriered4715]

It's like an Inverted Confession.

[@bhupindergadh]

Ted, were you finally able to leave her? Must be very very painful.

[@auntiemsplace]

My experience exactly.

[@psychictruth5037]

32 years with a narc... gosh 🙏

[@psychictruth5037]

@@bhupindergadh 👌

[@susanadams4290]

They don't want to fix any thing they love the drama they keep you around to have some one to blame

[@wiesbadengera1]

Susan Adams YUP, DRAMA ADDICTS!!!

[@carolinesand3821]

Susan Adams He denies everything !!!

[@nunyoubusyness6345]

I'm barely figuring that out!

[@mawmaw7766]

Yes they live for the drama.

[@solarionispirit2117]

I experienced the same. Nothing works.

[@Joonasaurus1]

If you speak up for yourself, don’t expect a rational reaction or to be listened to, they are never in the wrong

[@jengable4888]

Yes !! You are so right !!

[@Heather-xz8fk]

So hard for me to learn that it’s impossible to reason with an unreasonable way.

[@taraarrington2285]

Yep. Brick wall. Crickets.

[@barbo1106]

Spot on. And don't try to get a commitment from them to help with anything. My brother has been talking in circles every time we have tried to dialogue, and has never delivered on any suggestion to help with our mother's elder care other than if he wants to, which is never if it would benefit me at all. Not only does he refuse to help, but goes into attack mode to try to elevate his narrative and destroy me in the process. I've been so grateful for these videos because at least I know what's going on and that I am not crazy because narcissism IS a thing.

[@Clevelandsteamer324]

They take everything except accountability

[@mariecrowe8843]

Narcissists are extremely dangerous people, my dad is one, my sister is one and my ex husband is one....I am glad to have survived, I am glad my children survived. Avoid them at all cost.

[@debl6723]

I am glad you survived too. I had the same problem and survived as well!!

[@tooakki]

I'm glad you made it out with your life and sanity.

[@virginiafonacier8795]

My narc and in-laws are injured vampires.

[@MWcrazyhorse]

No offense here. But pure statistical probability and logic suggests the likelihood is very high that not your dad, your sister and your ex-husband are narcissists, but you! Take it into consideration. Monitor your own emotions and actions in relationships.

[@SOliveira2010]

@@virginiafonacier8795 yes my ex husband and ex MIL

[@awomanreborn8105]

I pray for everyone going through this that the Lord covers you with protection and blocks all negativity from your lives, I pray for your health and healing and peace of mind. Amen.

[@merciart3090]

Ty

[@charliebarberjr.6658]

Amen

[@gj4257]

🙏I needed this today. Thank you.

[@CH-1984]

Thank you, it is so sad that my elderly widowed mother has given me 4 weeks of ( near ) Silent Treatment so far. She professes to be a Christian, & is possibly talking (smear??) to the Pastor's wife she recently befriended, we attend same church. If they inquire what is going on, I will gladly show them my text interaction with her. John 18 verses 21 & 23.

[@megcnpwc]

It took me 24 years to escape my narcissistic marriage. I moved out and moved on three weeks ago. I cannot believe the peace in my life now! I set and reset boundaries without success for at least 15 years. I forgot life could be this peaceful. It feels so good to feel good about myself again!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So good for you to rediscover the meaning of you! Dr. C

[@simonec.8253]

I so resonate with you on this. After being together for 20 years (!!!) I only found out my husband is a narcissist. I have always known that there was something not right but as he had/has some good qualities I stayed... This year his behaviour was too much and I asked my ill tempered, moody, unreasonable, exhausting, narcissistic husband to leave the house and us, after he raged like mad for nothing and called our eldest son a motherfucker!!!! He left and you know what, we have PEACE!! I was so exhausted after so many years of arguing, reasoning, trying to understand and help him! OMG, even the boys say that it is so peaceful and nice now that he is out of the house. I'm feeling a bit bad about this as I kinda feel sorry for him, but I always remind myself "does he actually feel sorry for me? I don't think so", and that reassures me to not take him back. I don't think he wants to come back but I think this is because his ego is damaged... I am considering divorce but it is delicate as he is unpredictable plus court costs will be high. But for now, we 3 (the boys and I) are just happy that it's peaceful and that we can BREATHE again... Good luck to you and everyone who goes through this. S. :-)

[@minkya1010]

Did you go into it knowing they were a narcissist and trying to work on things or did you discover later on? Thanks, just doing some research for myself

[@AM-nw2hz]

Simone C. Please surround yourself with people who love and care for you and your boys. Family, friends, support groups. Don’t underestimate the difficult time you have had, get as much support as you can because when the narcissist feels sorry for himself and tries to come back it is the genuine people around you who love you who will keep you on track. I know the peace you speak of, I too have children and have had to leave a narcissist.

[@simonec.8253]

@@AM-nw2hz Thank you so much. I am surrounding myself with nice people. The other day when he said he has lost everything I did feel sooooo sorry for him. OMG. Then when he told me I wasn't worth fighting for and other mean stuff I felt angry. It is these hot and cold feelings. It's crazy. All I know is that I need a good lawyer as I think he is hiding money... I am searching but I can't afford to pay so much money so I'm trying to get some help. I thought mediation would be good but he is unpredictable and very clever with his words and portraying himself as the nice one, making me look like a weird, crazy person, so I think I might definitely have to go the lawyer route. He did threaten me the other day saying that if I go to a lawyer I will have to pay everything and if I am aware of this. I just said "So be it". I cannot get into conversations with him because he twists words, events etc.. and all this conversations become a muddle and bitter. I have no energy left. I'm trying to gain my strength and motivation again but this uncertainty and his angry and sly behaviour is making this difficult. I need to get that divorce ASAP. Wishing everyone good luck and may you all be strong enough to leave a toxic and abusive relationship. Beware that it's not over when you leave because narcs get more frustrated and will throw obstacles in your way... S.

[@sweetrose813]

Yes I've seen this rage when they get their hand caught in the cookie jar they go ballistic because you're not supposed to see what they're doing

[@jaredknight1627]

The one that just wrecked my entire life and i am becoming thankful but i am truly worried about my kids. She in my opinion truly believes what she did to me for 10 years is what I did to her for years. I think she has lied to so many people for so long and to herself that it has become reality. Like the other day she said I had to get my kids away from you. I used to beg her to not act the way she did in front of my kids. Yelling, screaming, vulgar names, physical hitting, throwing dishes, ect.... I would not even raise my voice in front of my kids. Now my youngest girl for some reason doesn't want to spend the night on the weekends. I diddnt think anything of it. Until the past 2 weekends the ex wife has been asking only about her at their bed times. Is she okay, does she want to stay, does she feel safe? Like seriously, they are gonna learn that this behavior is okay. Her grandma, and mother are even worse than her. Emotional control/ abuse. At the end of the marriage I was the abusive/ controlling one. When reality is I probably dont care about anything besides my kids as much as I should. In the sense of I am very laid back, quiet, himble ect... I went through all of the non sense for 10 years or more.

[@cgee3999]

@@jaredknight1627 just be who you are and in the future, the children will turn around to understand that you’re not the narcissist and weird person. Stay far away, be ready when they come to you. Remember , your the normal one

[@jaredknight1627]

@@cgee3999 thank you for the kind words. God bless you!

[@MsPathow]

Amen! I was cursed out by my daughter because I exposed her. My spirit told me to be silent and let her vent. Five months later I learned she has Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD). I didn't know anything about NPD but learned that she's the classic narcissist. Every symptom described, she has done it. When I refuse to give her access to my credit and money, she made it clear she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. She has destroyed a door in the home,. Because she had no access to home alarm, we found it pulled from the wall and wire cut. She is raged and destructive. I pray 🙏 for her husband. I'm asking God to deliver him from this snare he's in. It's not easy for him to get out of the relationship. I find that it's best to stay out of her presence. For years she tried to make me feel I cause all the problems in her life and my son's life. When I lived in another state, I was at peace ✌️🕊️ and had a great relationship with my son. There was no drama. When I moved back, the drama started from Day One. I have discovered that it's not me. I get along with people. But when around her, stuff happens. Not just with me but with other through the years. So I distant myself. The videos on Narcissism has helped me put things in perspective. I am learning. I am a work in progress. Praying my son-in-law comes out of it victoriously. He is a fine man.

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

Yes! This happened when I figured out he was pursuing another woman. We had been married 16 years and was clueless about a female coworker who was very ill. He told me half truths about the situation and when I discovered what was happening, he physically threatened me while he raged in denial. He terrified me.

[@elderlypoodle9181]

This man was. Sent to me from God. Via KZbin ☺️

[@ELECIA7462]

elderly poodle yep me too

[@MrKnutriis]

@@ELECIA7462 we all

[@shinymagesh5369]

I too feel the same way

[@dawnharris6162]

Amen!

[@sot.c]

Agree!!

[@kathyhansen2820]

Don't ever try to comfort a narcissist. They don't deserve it and it will only feed their need for a source to abuse.

[@divaslm1]

That part

[@Clevelandsteamer324]

You will become “supply”

[@garyweston3269]

Narc's argue to argue. Pay attention, they fail to seek solutions in their disagreements, they argue for the sake of arguing. They want to incite and keep you arguing for as long as possible until they get their satisfaction. Do not engage. Simple as that. What worked for my narc, I'd laugh, call her out for being narcissistic and immature and instantly disengage. This takes their power away. When a narc loses their power, they become a whiny child minded adult. It is pitiful to witness.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Bingo. LC

[@5winder]

Great take.

[@princhipessa1969]

They have extremely poor listening skills. You may say something harmless and has nothing to do with them & they hear something entirely different. They are crazy.

[@heatherwheeler3242]

yeah my ex is a narc he whines and even resorts to fake crying. No tears .I'm really proud of myself so far I'm starving him and taking care of myself and my needs. this may sound mean but whenever he fake cries I would find myself trying to keep from laughing. Its ridiculous to see a man who just turned 50 throwing a tantrum that a toddler couldn't pull off.

[@princhipessa1969]

Heather Wheeler I would laugh too. Good for you for starving him. You should have seen my eyes when my 43 year old ex GF in fetal position was bawling her eyes out the whole night then went stone cold til I left her ass in the hotel & went home the next day ... all because I wouldn’t take a picture with her in one of those dumb ‘stick your face in the hole’ thingies. Said I disrespected her! Huh??!!! I question my sanity wanting her back. These Narcs are nuts!

[@paulapeppler4605]

I was married to a person such as this for 36 years. I finally couldn't take it anymore and divorced. Of course, even though he said he wanted out, he blamed me for the divorce. I came out of it with no self esteem left. It has taken me 5 years to get over it. I've been single for 7 years now and am rediscovering who I am.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

The N is a thief who robs you of your dignity. Keep up your efforts to reclaim who you were meant to be. Dr. C

[@poll2dock]

I was married 30 years. Be happy You are finally free We both got out, sad it took so long but we're out Yay for us

[@MichielVanKets]

wow, 36 years ... sorry to hear that, I wish you all the best

[@Suedetussy]

Yes, you are to blame for the divorce. Or let‘s say it differently: you managed to get out of this sick system! He‘ll be stuck forever in this system of blaming and shaming. In the meanwhile, you‘ll be healing. :)

[@Suedetussy]

What i wanted to say by this is: in narc speak you‘re to blame. In healthy person speak: you can take full credits for the divorce. It takes a lot of mental power to go through all the processes, from realizing, what’s happening here and the resolution to leave, which was certainly not a decision made in a funny moment, but an urgent necessity. You can be so proud of yourself.

[@angierobinson1366]

My way of dealing with a person who repeatedly tries to break my boundaries, refuses to take personal accountability for their own actions, disparages my reputation for any reason or in any way...with these types I break off all contact with them completely. I do not seek to understand them or give them any type of future consideration. I simply move along. My reason is is because anytime you show a narcissist or a cluster b of any sort that you are sympathetic to them and their feelings they will attempt to exploit it and use it to manipulate you.

[@ruthbates9549]

I've learned it's good to put up test boundaries from the beginning-not on important things that can mess up your balance-but simple things. They cannot stand a boundary-if you say don't call me before 9a.m. they'll be texting you at 5:30 a.m.

[@Here_Today_]

Smart.

[@angierobinson1366]

Ruth Bates, good one! I had a few people who I told not to come over without calling first since I work at home. This did not stop them for "whipping in for a quick minute" without calling because they were in the neighborhood.

[@ruthbates9549]

I'm learning to do my tests before giving my address. At least with a phone number you can block them. They are truly monstrous people who don't take no for an answer! If there's possible goat heads in the yard-ya wear your boots! And if they call me at 5:30 in the morning, I explain to them why I am letting them go and block contact. There are either more of them in the world right now-or I have some kind of target on my back!

[@leninha5549]

@@angierobinson1366 do you think all people are narsitic because of them whipping in being in the neighborhood.??

[@diannalamb6277]

It is absolutely like dealing with an overgrown two year old.I have been married to it for 26 years.It has gotten so bad that when he goes through his cycle of resentment silent treatment anger he responds in a rage and if I don't respond he gets angry and if I do respond he gets angry.He will rage a me for hours until I agree to do exactly what he wants.By the grace of God I was delivered from this insanity three months ago. When I finally set some boundries for myself he decided he didn't want to be married to me anymore.Thank God!!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

It really is amazing how child-like the narcissist is, though I don't want to insult the child by stating that. Dr. C

[@RedroomStudios]

what is even more annoying is that they call you childish for trying to set boundaries!

[@Yemusical]

Happy for you xx

[@dudelessranch802]

Best way to get rid of a Narc is to have them think it's their idea to leave you. 😁

[@MsPathow]

He lost control over you. So he wanted out.

[@sthrnbll2u65]

I have been married to narcissism for 35 years. And it has driven me damn near nuts. I am so grateful to have come acrossed these videos.

[@Heather-xz8fk]

You must be incredibly strong to live with this for 35 years.

[@sthrnbll2u65]

@@Heather-xz8fk I don't about that, lol but I will take it. The older we get the more I wish I would have had the courage to leave.

[@jonathanomahony688]

36 years it to me to understand this. A super empath i had enough of his crap. Now i am on to him. I just ignore, ignore and ignore him in the home. No supply whatsoever i cut everything off, yes everything. Notting available in my home. What peace and happiness now for me. Should have done this years ago lol😂😂😂. Now he does everything for himself 😮😮😮.

[@kellied.3311]

I am no expert but I do have a healthcare background and come from a dysfunctional family. My siblings are in their 40s, I in my mid 50s and my elder sibs are in their 60s. I can no longer emotionally afford to be a part of this family system and so I stepped away over a month ago. No contact. It is hard to fathom that I am 750 miles away from them for the past 18 years and still the scapegoat. I no longer owe anyone of them anything.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Sad that you have to contend with this,, but being related to them does not require you to remain as the scapegoat. LC

[@kellied.3311]

Yes, it is very sad. I would be very interested in hearing you discuss the topic of narcissistic family dysfunction.

[@Ozma337]

Good for you going no contact! When you’re the scapegoat it’s truly the only healthy choice.

[@kellied.3311]

Ozma337 honestly it has been very hard, but I started months ago researching my illnesses, journaling my memories, and reading Bowen, Carl Jung and others in the field and then the lights started to come on. There is no pleasure in this because I know I’m not the only one who is sick in our family and the wheels on the jalopy are falling off.

[@kellied.3311]

NewHope , I am so sorry. Instead of thinking you are an extension of your dysfunctional family, find value in yourself. For me there is nothing better than random acts of kindness and If possible, donating time and talents to those less fortunate. Ignore the smearing, they don’t have the power to define you.

[@belindametz5130]

Your clarity about these types of people is spot on!

[@tooakki]

Yep, every video.

[@uncleclaw171]

The narc needs to blame a passenger in the car for a pothole in the road of life. They are incapable of dealing with life's random bumps; they cannot roll with the unexpected and adjust. Always got to ruin someone's day because they are too immature to deal with the uncontrollable randomness of life.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Excellent analogy! LC

[@Doriesep6622]

You are exactly right.

[@misottovoce]

So, so true! Love your pothole analogy!

[@Ski7440]

Uncle Claw yes, it doesn’t take much for the narc to start ranting if the smallest thing doesn’t quite suit them.

[@eeaotly]

Marshmallow Toasted I know a narc who, every time when a plate doesn't clean well, a cloth is still spotted, a certain meager thing doesn't work well, then a hurricane starts: "May Jesus Christ's soul be cursed because this vase was broken!", etc. My ears were always violented by these kinds of stupid sudden bursts of anger.

[@richardlandis793]

A narcissist does not know how to have a deep meaningful conversation.

[@josephinerukia5319]

This is spot on..

[@richardlandis793]

@@josephinerukia5319 As you search your inner light, follow it, and it will light your true path.

[@josephinerukia5319]

@@richardlandis793 Thank-you for the your kind words.

[@richardlandis793]

@@josephinerukia5319 You’re very welcome ☺️ If you desire, you may contact me anytime on Facebook or LinkedIn. I’m in Raleigh, NC. Take care.

[@valerieobrien5521]

Has anyone with a contact who is narcissistic, experienced continually being flattered with sickly unwanted compliments ? It seems a bit suspect. This person , asked me to send all my Internet files to him " for added security. " Of course I said a distinct " NO " This reply made him very angry and as I protested it was not the right thing for me to do he began shouting quite aggressively, and not letting me speak , then hung up.

[@gc8024]

Once the narc don't get attention anymore. ,praise, supply,spot light, world comes tumbling down.

[@rickiilatino]

I don't believe that you can reason with a narcissist. We really are better off away from these people if possible. Healthy people know there is no excuse for aggressive behavior even if the agressor feels hurt. Being too understanding with this bad behavior puts us at serious risk of abuse. Our compassion can be better placed where it might make a difference elsewhere.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Regrettably you are correct. They don't receive input. LC

[@Doriesep6622]

Agreed. I wasted so much time trying to explain how his behavior and thinking processes were illogical. It is like explaining to my dog that his eating the cat's food is wrong.

[@torrihoward9729]

@@Doriesep6622 So true 👍

[@AngieAitch]

if my ex-narcissist had a problem, it was my fault, if i had a problem it was MY issue

[@gnarthdarkanen7464]

With admittance that I'm no expert, only seasoned and weathered through the experience(s)... In the narc's mind (if such exists) anything that goes wrong is only FURTHER evidence of the world's conspiracy against them personally... It's my observation that it's generally best to take note when an "otherwise reasonably intelligent adult" is flailing around and raving like a child or a psycho', that standing just clear of the shrapnel and laughing at them is appropriate. Why Laugh? Well, even if you "laugh internally", it TAKES AWAY their credibility, and that destroys the narc's ability to "wound you with their words"... They might physically attack, but that's a whole different kettle of beans (better referenced to Jocko Willink and jujutsu)... The psychological attacks, however, are (at their core) based on someone's credibility. If you do not (or no longer) find them credible, then everything they say is just so much word-salad, and can no longer hold any punch or pain... You already KNOW better. It's not always recommended to actually laugh out loud at the narc', BUT on some level, the employment of the narc' as the "universal butt of everyone's joke" or "referenced punchline for the world because the world is personally against him/her"... can pointedly lead others around you toward even a very slightly healthier attitude. It's not always going to work. People are weird, complicated... and generally unpredictable. Healthy people can understand that here, on Planet Earth, life DOES NOT go your way. 90% of everything is NOT according to plans. You simply adapt, improvise, and overcome... sometimes sooner, and sometimes later than expected or hoped. We (healthy humans) understand that there simply is NO failure... It's a clever theoretical state... kind of like tachyons in Star Trek. There IS only "quit"... Letting go of stuff that is just too expensive to pursue. It's not failure, and it's not necessarily permanent. It's just "quit"... until we damn well decide (however dubiously) to take it back up to fruition at some later point... when it probably WILL be worth it. Narc's don't get that. EVERYTHING is a conspiracy against them. EVERYTHING is a public SLIGHT on their person. AND someone ABSOLUTELY MUST be at fault AS LONG AS it is not them... They're stupid and crazy... and deserve ZERO credibility as soon as they prove themselves. ...simple. ;o)

[@nannan3603]

You can’t reason with a narcissist.....

[@desleighmonaghan7220]

I told myself " You can't reason with a reptile" That was how I finally understood why there was no point in trying to save my 35 year marriage to a cold, cold man.

[@masterdaveedwards]

Do Narcissists ever apologize?

[@desleighmonaghan7220]

@@masterdaveedwards Yes. BUT not really.....

[@lisamorrison6337]

@@masterdaveedwards NO, because they are never wrong .... And the only reason they may have something wrong is always because of something you or someone else did to them. Make sense?

[@masterdaveedwards]

@@desleighmonaghan7220 that's funny but twisted thanks for the laugh people like you make me feel sane and like I'm recovering...thanks

[@secureconnection5245]

I went out on a first date with a man a few weeks ago and we had a great time...until he suggested we drive up to the beach for a walk. It was already dark and I declined, because he was basically still a stranger to me. He got really upset and irritated and we never saw each other again after that day. I thought then his behavior was childish, but now after having listened to this video, I realized I was likely dealing with an injured narcissist. Thank you, Les, for the educational valuable practical insights! Knowledge is power.

[@24kstar]

You were smart to trust your gut. He could have easily put you in danger and his request was not reasonable. I had a first date with a guy who, at the end of the date, expected that I would be letting him come upstairs. When I told him no, that's not what was going to happen, he got all flustered and basically pouted like a little kid. Never contacted him again. Dodged a bullet.

[@secureconnection5245]

K Star Yes, good riddance! There is one proven test that can reveal whether you're dealing with a narc - tell them no and watch their reaction. If they act like an entitled brat, then you know it's a narc. And once you know, you go.

[@secureconnection5245]

Flowers of Scotland Yes, and thank you also for your words of encouragement and care! Much love to you

[@totallyamazing3638]

Glad you dodged that bullet.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

In about a week or so I'll be uploading a video called Seductive Narcissists: The Alligator and the Rabbit. You'll find it fits with this scenario. Thanks for the good words. LC

[@LordPrutsikas]

they may even rush to discard you if they suspect you are about to discard them. They always need to have the upper hand at all costs. They also get injured if you ask for something, like a favour and stick to it...they may even come to a point of resenting you for it. Everything must go according to their plan and only. Only their needs and wishes count.

[@RedroomStudios]

over the past 3 years I was endlessly doing jobs and favors for my ex gf. I even did most of the work renovating a condo she owned which she sold and then made a profit from. never got one bit of gratitude and always complaints that I wasnt working fast enough. then when my mother moved out of her house and there was a lot of work to do to get it cleaned out I asked for my gf's help which she seemed very inconvenienced by and in the end she refused to help me and instead went on a vacation to Hawaii. that was pretty much the final straw.

[@catherinejarvis6523]

Yes! My father was adamant that he fix my bathroom. Fast forward a few years of waiting for that to happen and I finally did it myself. I was so proud and he was so obnoxious about it. He just knew he could have done better.

[@mannah7942]

If you ask him to buy you e.g. a nice potplant, he 1st refuses, then gives you an admonishing look, then buys it, but gives a tongue-lashing all the way home for "putting him on the spot" in the shop as there is no money for it (lie) .... then you have to keep this beautiful plant which isn't nice anylonger :(

[@hr.pikkerup8793]

Me and my narc both loved the Philips Hue. I would go online and look for good, cheaper used items and FINALLY came two Hue Go's in perfect condition and wouldn't you know it, it was like 12 min away from her ! I called her up and asked her what she was doing = nothing. I then told her about these lamps, and If she would drive out (in the car her dad payed for the lease, and paid the gas on) if she would get them. I would buy both and give her one of them (because I knew she loved hue).. She was like : No. I was like: Why? And she was like> I don't owe you a reason, just respect me ! Inside I thought > I do aaall these things for you, and you cant even do this small favor? Skip two months, she asked if I could come and help (read: mostly all myself) build a fence and a percula in her garden.... Lord know I even said yes ! What was I thinking,..

[@rosyrose4620]

My daughter is married to one and she wants OUT. He has driven her CRAZY. She’ll get out. It’s all about HIM HIM HIM

[@doodlebug59]

I was raised by a Narcissistic mother and I know for a fact that you cannot reason with them. They do not care about boundaries and most definitely don't care about what we think in any given subject. You cannot talk with them.

[@wowsers7067]

I'm going through this now. Im a grown woman in my thirties. She doesnt respect my space or how I take care of my children. She involves herself in things that I dont want her to be in. She complains about my father to me. Then turns around and uses old info on me to try and make me feel bad as a person. I've lately just tried to keep our conversations at a minimum She will talk my ears off for an hour and a half or longer about how she thinks I'm mean or I've not done this or that. Honestly she herself hasn't been happy in years. I've tried to be an understanding daughter. I no longer have interest to 100 all the time make her happy. I've gone for jobs so I can have money. She deterred me from the jobs, used my Dad to pull the you dont wan the devil to trick you and make your life hard card. He enables her. She gets whatever she wants. She has lately been on me about things that dont involve her. Unless I want her to be involved. It's so much anger she has and grudges she holds against me that I dont care to have a decent relationship.

[@ddoyle3856]

yesss i understand exactly!

[@loveahusky]

Debbie Bowling yep

[@LorrieIrbyJackson]

I'm a survivor and approve this message! 👊🏾

[@barbaramarshall5271]

I'm almost 50 and I feel the exact same way, my mother tried to separate my elder autistic daughter from me to go live with her. I have an older child in a wheelchair with severe disabilities and my youngest has mild autism as well. I swear she has some karma coming.

[@Doriesep6622]

They are looking for insults. If you respond, the sky is blue, they will twist it to prove how victimized they were.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Odd how that works, isn't it. LC

[@superkidx6964]

Tie themselves to the tracks.

[@conniethecactus5148]

Super kid x, please let me help them !!

[@tannwich5350]

!

[@69LOLIN]

Guess this so called narcs, are compleatly unaware of what they do/say. They only focus in what they get, not aware that they might deserve it!

[@tasiadcoles1021]

It’s not wise to show ANY sympathy to a narc...they will use it against you. Change topics or leave to go do something...anything. Make plans to go no contact

[@teresadexter9965]

My Narcissistic friend was brilliant bar shedding crocodile tears......I fell for them for many months...they are such accomplished actors!!!

[@heatherwheeler3242]

@@teresadexter9965 oh yeah crocodile tears are a favorite tactic to get us to feel sorry for them and I had to restrain myself from laughing in his face .😄😂😅😆

[@AmandaBuxbaum]

I adore this guy! He is clear and spot on!!

[@traceandtulu6130]

You’re responsible for you, I’m responsible for me and that’s going to be the beginning point of how we interact with each other. Powerful!

[@cindysue5079]

When you are in a marital relationship with someone like this , shame is common..degradation also

[@dianne7250]

Your clear, no nonsense approach is helping me a LOT. Going through a divorce after 31 years. Thank you !

[@shirleymadiva6886]

123ABC I stay in my marriage from hell for 33 plus years. I was so young when we met l knew nothing about relationships. My mother begged me not to marry him she could see how controlling he was way back then. But divorced 4yrs now and finally getting to be the REAL ME!! Blessings to you! I am enough alone!! 🙏🏽💕

[@dianne7250]

Shirley so glad for you !! I suffered from very severe panick attacks and anxiety so much i COULD not leave my home. Total nightmare and no psy saw anything. Only this dr. Les makes sense to me. There is life after Shirley even if you cannot believe it then...best of luck !!!

[@shirleymadiva6886]

123ABC OMG! You talk about panic attack and Anxiety!! I just wanted to die. I am still in therapy a year and a half now but so much better, she is great and highly trained in this area it’s so deep how the abuse affects the brain itself. We will heal.....🙏🏽💕

[@dianne7250]

Shirley that is good. I saw so many but only this doctor online makes sense, It is a nighmare. I am going for transcranial therapy. I cannot even leave my home.

[@charmedwell]

@@shirleymadiva6886 thank you so much, getting prepared to leave my abusive narcissistic husband after spending 20 yrs with him. I'm afraid and am hoping that I'm making the right decision.

[@lovinglatonya3499]

Anyone experienced early morning rages and mood swings picking fights as soon as their 👀 open🤷🏽‍♀️ . U could have went to bed with everything ok and wake up to crazy making

[@mzmolly4898]

ooo yes. I used to say "you've got your boxing gloves on today", because it didn't matter what I said or did he was looking for an argument

[@lovinglatonya3499]

mz molly 😂😂😂 to boxing 🥊 gloves. That part is very disrupting. I don’t fully understand why and you can never predict it🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️

[@markeyap2757]

Loving latonya Omg yes! That’s why I’m leaving him now. As soon as he wakes up, he is either aggressively sexual or starts an argument. I’m just like how are you able to wake up angry? Only a demon can do these things, normal humans do not do the stuff these narcissists do.

[@mzmolly4898]

@@markeyap2757 aggressively sexual says a lot .. I definitely understand that experience

[@ganzo86]

I wake up on a daily basis to getting cursed out. It's crazy

[@Butterflyhearts23]

Ohhhhh how this happened to me, I got sucked in. I thought I knew beforehand, but I let my guard down and fell into the pits of hell. He was a tricky son of a gun and before I knew it, I was turning into him and he was just as amused as a kid playing with a ball. Everything was built on triggering me and attacking me with my own weaknesses. And twisting everything back on me, like it was all my fault. Each time I spoke up he claimed I was insulting him🤔Thank God we parted ways. Never again.....

[@KaddyFeast]

Good job getting out! Sounds much like mine

[@gayleneflower398]

"You can't keep dancing with the devil and ask why am I still in Hell?"

[@nataliellorente6619]

Wow, don't despair. The way you just described your story, the "EXACT" same thing happened to me too. Except, I married the guy. Still trying to sort it out & pick up the pieces.

[@arbonneladyTN]

Shara Frederick I know the twisting and gas lighting can really play with our heads! Be strong!

[@loveahusky]

Tranquility love do you know my spouse? Woe, to a tee

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

Thank-you, Dr. Carter, for helping me to understand what i have been dealing with for 42 years. I had to divorce because the abuse became so horrific. Yiur podcasts have been part of my healing journey by educating me. I can't thank yiu enough. Blacksburg, South Carolina.

[@liljerseygirl249]

How do we continue to love these individuals after the way they treat us.

[@cleaningtim]

Great question! I wonder the same thing.

[@Nancy-yw1rr]

I am dealing with this right now. I made the "mistake" of commenting on an expensive gift my husband bought himself, and he has spent the last 9 days and counting, torturing me with insults, rage, and rewriting events that happened years ago as punishment for a single comment that he did not like. I am exhausted.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That's how they operate. He gave you one big extended "I'll show you" lecture. LC

[@charmedwell]

I've experienced that

[@Nancy-yw1rr]

@@SurvivingNarcissism He sure did. and it's still going on. It's like a snowball picking up size and speed as it rolls downhill. He keeps attaching other things to it- mostly his disordered recollections of things from the past that in his mind, show my "underlying character"- his words.

[@Pawpurrrints]

@@Nancy-yw1rr i hope youll make an exit soon. You deserve so much better.

[@sweetjudy7192]

I pray you have a plan to escape.. You do not deserve to be tortured

[@Ski7440]

Yeah Narcs snap and bite like there is no tomorrow.

[@lionmoon1057]

Marshmallow Toasted very! True

[@shaunbarnett2972]

Part of the reason some people are very sensitive and tend to snap is because they have perhaps been treated very unfairly in the past, maybe ridiculed, laughed at, made fun of in front of others. They're not necessarily evil people, they've just been treated like crap. And when you treat them in a condescending manner or 'blow them off' for no apparent reason, or just refuse to communicate with them all of a sudden, it can cause many of those past feelings to resurface, and in some instances can cause a lot of anger. If you care about a relationship, if you actually care about a person, and want to keep them around, just try to have a little understanding that not everyone gets to grow up in a wonderful warm family. Some people have scars on their heart from an early age due to things that were completely beyond their control. Instantly writing these people off and refusing to have anything further to do with them is selfish and is likely to cause their world view to become even more negative, so that they will become even more narcissistic. If you only care purely about yourself and your own well being then that's up to you, but every person deserves a chance to have friendships and warmth in their life.

[@CB-ii7yr]

sbarnett37tiger Barnes you obviously have not had a true narcissistic encounter. I agree with your thought. But with a narc. Not quiet that simple. Trust me. The least little sign of weakness or kindness on your part, they will zone in on it and play you like a fiddle. Stay strong, and remember to respect yourself first is the best you can do. For no one in an ordinary personality is a match for the conniving narc. ❤️

[@michelebintliff3582]

Bat man I agree Bat man sbarnett's descrption is very very different from a narc.

[@angies3196]

@@shaunbarnett2972 yes. I know someone who acts extremely narcissistic, but I do know what they have lived.... doesn't change how hard it can be tho. But yeah maybe in many cases giving grace, being strong, will help them get passed some learned behaviors or protections...

[@johannajorgensen6416]

Absolutely all of these behaviors were present for me when I broke up with my ex. Wow. Spot on. Punishment, blame, and shame were so overexaggerated turning into an explosion of rage.

[@triciagarea9576]

I feel his evil energy before I see him. No Contact for 16 month.

[@aungar2403]

I just saw your post today. Your words resonated with me. I feel the same way about feeling the evil energy. If I see him or hear about him, I get a feeling of dread and it takes me a few days to get my peace back.

[@barbaramarshall5271]

My mum had that look of absolute total fury about her, just walking in through the door. But mostly it was the eyes and the anger and rage that terrified me, still 6 months on.

[@aungar2403]

@@barbaramarshall5271 it does get better with time. Get involved with your own life and the old feelings of dread begin to diminish.

[@mikeporter3280]

I have discerned that denial is their coping mechanism, in a way, as well as instant flight, until there's nowhere left to run. Just an observation.

[@kathyong6665]

Your videos are spot on and are so educational. They have helped me so much for understanding what I was dealing with so THANK YOU!!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

That's why they are there! Thanks for being an encourager. LC

[@hawaiianreb4051]

Thank you for your insight into something I have been experiencing 40 years and trying very hard to distant myself from the condescending criticism.

[@cardinalgin]

Even in a relationship with a "normal" person, your advice is so helpful, because it is based on calmly and assertively affirming our existence as a valid human being. Thanks again for this new insight !

[@stephanierichardson5623]

Over two years trying to cope with my roommate, but being stuck here during the pandemic has ramped it all WAY up. Thank you for these videos.

[@nicksshitbro]

Same! I won't even speak to the son anymore. The only reason I speak to the mother is because I have to pay my rent each week to her. Not for long, though

[@MadameDivertissement]

Your gentle manner in presenting these points is very helpful. Thank you! Also, your accent makes me homesick! So nice to hear!

[@Tara-id3rk]

This video is INCREDIBLY validating. It explains my (soon to be ex) husband’s behavior toward me from the last few years- trying to come to a civil custody agreement has been an absolute nightmare. Pure hell. His retaliation and abuse is INTENSE.

[@kirkpeters8043]

I worked with one of these people for several years. I had to remain at this job for several reasons. He loved to talk loud and swagger around if there was an adiuence available. He took to adopting a superior attitude toward me and eventually verbal abuse. The supervisors tolerated him because he was their snitch. Finally I confronted him in the parking lot before work. Just him and me and it was still dark. He squeaked like a mouse and ran upstairs to the owners like the coward I know he is. Life is too good to waste any time with these people. I no longer work there but it didn't take long to find a better job and work mates.

[@polskigirl8547]

I thank God! I have left this marriage with the lunatic I have been married to....

[@polskigirl8547]

@NewHope my narc committed adultery in our 2 yrs separation...biblically God gave me the way out.....I have clean hands...

[@polskigirl8547]

@NewHope ...James 3:13-16...Psalm 52..Matt 23:27-28....these scriptures identify narcissists....our journeys are all different..you may not know that your narc committed adultery...rest assured you are the better off from these lunatics that are possessed by another spirit...the aim of their spirit is to bring those that are unscathed by every other attack Satan into a place of deception...the believer gas continued to live an upright life and kept standing thru previous attacks of satan...these people could have been born again at one time....what is in their character? Hatred, pride, power (control) bitterness, unforgiveness, anger , rage, wrath, ...they do not repent when exposed...when they say show me if there is anything wrong in their lives and when you do...ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE! Blessings dear friend...keep believing, keep trusting, keep obey, keep standing in the lord....we are more than conquerers!

[@polskigirl8547]

@NewHope when you stand before God you will be shown things that were hidden from you and you will be vindicated...I am going to make it my mission for the rest of my life giving healing and help to those of us who have been afflicted with this type of wicked ness.....ask God to give you the time alone to be able to gather your belongings as quickly as you possibly can...if you need a listening ear I am available to unload on....contact me at.....renatamileske@ gmail.com any time... Blessings dear one...

[@geekay4651]

Very good

[@lalocks4992]

NewHope. Sweetie, you dont have to explain your reason of wanting out to anyone. I applaud you for moving on from the narc as nothing good can come out of it. You answer to God and God alone. Dont ever let man tell you whats right or wrong for you.

[@jangandy1709]

Totally know. While in the car with 3 little kids, I made a comment about a private number plate and how much that would cost and he screamed' GET A F~~~ING JOB 7 times in my face. Then when we get to our destination he walks way ahead of us (he always does that) but carries on like nothing happened. That was a defining moment and others followed over the weeks ahead. I got legal paper work to make him leave the house and no contact with him. And he hasn't bothered talking to the kids since March because its not on his terms. Thank you.

[@Holly-sq5uv]

jan gandy, wow, good riddance. Please keep it up and protect those children from being further tainted by abuse. I’m sorry that you’re going through a difficult time. You will persevere!

[@garyweston3269]

I'm familiar with this.. my wife behaves similarly. They are extremely narcissistic and immature. It is toxic, pointless behavior. They never learned how to 'human' .

[@sweetjudy7192]

Thank God you were strong... there is only just so much abuse a human being can tolerate Thank God you are free

[@kimnewis9826]

@@sweetjudy7192 l experienced these outbursts from a 50 Yr old only child, l had lies disloyalty behind my back, the person I thought she was did not exist (Jekyll and Hyde) nothing l had done was appreciated, l gave her all my energy and was already married to a narcissist (though unaware of the fact) always with him stressed and upset, and at breaking point, till l had a bad breakdown illness kept me tied to him. I left after 28 yrs. The daughter came with me, all seemed well, though I was given the silent treatment a lot she did show her true colours, but if a person has no inclination of the behaviour you keep going. Then she met a partner more money available better life, l was tolerated, NC a couple of times as l cauld not cope. Then her father passed. And l was subjected to 2 rages out of no where because l said (nothing wrong) and was shouted down. Phone slammed down lwas in shock, first time forgave her 2nd time had enough NC glad she has gone. Now l see she fawns on face book.

[@sweetjudy7192]

@@kimnewis9826 , Kim my heart goes out to you.. my daughter is an only child and so is your daughter.. Something tells me you were always very kind and sweet and loving to your child.. I was the same way with my daughter.. I was 36 years old when I had my only child.. she is now 33.. I built my whole life around her.. she was the Center of My Universe.. I have learned that that is the reason why she is a narcissist.. I had no idea that I was creating a monster.. I thought I was being a very attentive loving mom... She is really the most disrespectful.. unkind unloving human being that I have ever seen in my life.. When she was growing up I thought I had the perfect child.. she never drank she never smoked she always let me know where she was at and what she was doing.. I felt so blessed.. Jokes on me.. She treats me like dirt under her shoes

[@DebRoo11]

Nailed it. Total crazy making. Me and my kids have been in the eye of this storm watching the tornadoes destruction for too many years. He blocks the sun, the peace the joy, the living. It may be hard stepping through it but we have to get out of it and under peaceful skies

[@terriwhalen3618]

Dr. C. I am saddened about Bullet. Thank you for sharing.

[@misottovoce]

Mine uses the 'poor me' tactic. Most issues, great or small, that we may have he tries to undermine with 'Oh, it's my fault again'. This distracts from the actual problem that has nothing to do with fault finding but simply stating facts of an event or situation. Since explaining my FEELINGS about something is just not on his agenda he gets angry with ME for having my own feelings...and plays the poor victim. He's so smug about reminding me how sensitive to feelings he is. I recently agreed with him, and clarified it to him. 'Yes, you are sensitive. But only and exclusively to your own feelings. No one else's counts.' He went silent on that one. He can 'fake empathy' (like they all can) when it makes them look good. He used to try to humiliate or embarrass me in public. We had a serious problem over that...until I applied something I once read about on how to live with a narc: 'Just remember, when you put on such a tantrum or poor behaviour, everyone feels sorry for ME (because I am trying to minimize my reaction to him) and YOU look like the monster. Think of your image.' That SO befuddled him...it made him think. Hence, no more childish temper tantrums in public. It worked. A narcs self image is everything. And since they believe they are the center of the universe, they can not stand the idea that someone else has positive attention and they don't.

[@uncleclaw171]

The ol' narc "pity-party" tactic... lol. Sounds like you got an extra-special ultra immature one there. Good luck with that... Here's a funny idea: Buy a baby pacifier and keep it handy... next time he pulls that, call him out on it using a voice like speaking to a toddler, "Oooooooh, is it time for the pity-party again?" Whip out the pacifier and hand it to him, "There ya gooooo."

[@misottovoce]

Lol! That's a good one!

[@rickiilatino]

You describe the narc in my life ! It's amazing how alike these things can be !

[@princhipessa1969]

Uncle Claw omg - the victim. Poor me. Ultra sensitive. Silent treatments for days, weeks ... You described my ex GF perfectly.

[@teresadexter9965]

Yes pity parties "it's my fault again" were how my friend acted.....it's hard to sit face to face with these pathetic yet hurtful people......they make you feel so bad about yourself don't they?

[@wildernesssparrow1156]

The insights you shared about this were so spot on. I learned the hard way that allowing too many free passes for those who press boundaries and snap from their own inner pain, or worse, who demand that others "guess" and pay for their own issues without resolving anything, only led to diminished respect and a no win scenario. If I sense that someone is deeply insecure or that I have to walk on eggshells, its time to quietly bow out and limit or end contact. The irony with this one, is while you are required to tip toe on eggshells, they don't, and are unable to see their double standards. Too often they operate as bullies who run roughshod over your life, emotions, space, and only have empathy for themselves. Its a one way street. Been there, got too many tattered tee shirts. lol. Thanks for your great vids Les.

[@lescarter5418]

No more free passes, right? Stay your course.

[@wildernesssparrow1156]

yesssir, and amen to that! :) I'm even finding a new course the stay on, as the old one from the N was riddled with too many landmines. lol. :D

[@RedroomStudios]

@@wildernesssparrow1156 great point about the double standards... she was always jealous of me communicating with people on social media, she would spy on what I was doing and who I was talking to even though most of it was related to my business. but she was allowed to be chatting with people on her phone constantly and if I questioned her about it she would accuse me of being overbearing. so many other things like this where it was not ok for me to do things but she did them herself. and walking on egg shells - exactly. trying my best not to set her off but there was no rational pattern to it.

[@carlottaventi9556]

An injured Narc is extremely dangerous. They have such an fragile ego. An Ex-collegue got my fired through her constant lies about me....just because I did not let her control me. There was nothing I could do about it...that was not fun. Jesus.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

They truly believe they are the strong one, but fragile is the perfect description. LC

[@kesmarn]

Oh yes. When I angered a narc family member, she called several social service agencies in the county and tried to get my professional license revoked. Fortunately that did not work, but the investigation process was no fun.

[@sandranewtond8619]

I am leaving my Job soon because of a male and female narcississt..they have beaten me. It's a very dangerous and sick condition.... and you can't prove their behaviours and lies... they are both predatory....

[@donaldswamp2501]

I'm dealing with a similar situation. I'm moving from that work site but I know there is a plan afoot to undermine me one more time. I should have left a long time ago. Big regret.

[@mamahanna1447]

Surviving Narcissism Also, you need to validate that they are dangerous. They are EXTREMELY dangerous when they lose what they want. They will take it out to the extreme on their nearest & dearest.

[@joywebster2678]

Finally explains why I am being punished, having priveledges withdrawn. But the bar for his injury is set soooo low I am always in trouble.

[@markeyap2757]

Yes, I talked with a friend and I found out my ex was spreading lies about me! I was shocked about the things he was telling them, I can imagine what else he was saying to people to paint me in a bad light.

[@stephaniemitchellmitchell746]

The man I was with had no soul whatsoever

[@seekingthetrinity]

Stephanie Mitchell Mitchell I had a brother EXACTLY the same. The ONLY thing to do is separate yourself and put it into your past.

[@heliaalves9062]

Plenty of soulless people all around us.

[@AngelEyes_1111]

They are soul less beings.

[@jermain716]

Recently separated from a narcissist. I was always at fault for everything. I had to put up with her anger and rage, but if I was angry I was the bad person. Never any compromise. It was always her way or the highway!!! Amazing information and great video.

[@jadeblues357]

Thank you it sounds like I did all the right things and just took me longer to get out of the situation because I’m in a wheelchair your videos helping me realize I was not the broken one, just the disabled one. This is helping me get back to my normal

[@shantellcobb7067]

Amen 🙌. My mother is my caregiver and I'm done MS 💪I hope you are doing better 🙏

[@JohnSmith-tx3ys]

This video clearly explains something I’ve been thinking about for a few years. I had a discussion with a family member via email years ago. We disagreed over some things, but it was nothing serious, or so I thought. He slandered me to other members of the family and then refused to speak to me. He alleged that my email was “mean”. I asked what part of it was mean and I got no response. I’ve reread the discussion many time and I’ve even shown it to other people asking if I said something remotely mean. Everyone who read it said that they did notice anything. Even if there was something “mean” is that worth cutting someone off for years? I’ve come to the conclusion that he knows I want to reconcile. That’s the best way for him to “get back” at me.

[@rachelreich9234]

Yup, this all fits so well. It explains so much of what I've been subjected to.

[@KathyVik]

Thank you for being a safe male talking sense. It helps my neurobiology.

[@TuxieTude]

Image. Image. Image... YOU need to fix yourself!! But it's not my fault how I was raised! I don't want to be the "bad guy". Yes.. Withdrawal. Becoming distant. Or, the silent treatment. Or, alcohol. Alcohol. Alcohol. I wonder what my life might be like had I known all this about 15 years ago.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

What will it be like 15 years from now? LC

[@Holly-sq5uv]

Surviving Narcissism, Glass half full. Great outlook!

[@TuxieTude]

@@SurvivingNarcissism I'm not sure yet because I'm homeless using the wifi at a Walmart.

[@kesmarn]

CL4H , wishing you all the best.

[@laurabethf3915]

@@TuxieTude I'm told all the time especially when we're arguing that *I* need to fix MYSELF. Bc I'm always the one at fault. Blame shifting at it's finest.

[@SheLikesSteel]

I'm just learning about narcissism...for some time I've had in mind to write a book about the emotionally abusive relationship I've lived in and now I'm coming to the full realization that it's all about narcissism. I'm going to write that book!

[@prescottlady290]

Your likening the narc to an injured dog is so incredibly apt, Dr. C.! How many times did it happen, that when our kids were young, and they had a problem, and then Dad came home.......NOW I had the problem to try to solve, with a "dog" barking, non-stop in my ear!!

[@giuliagautschi-delre2313]

Thank you Dr. Carter! You described very well my injured narcissist husband. I never could do any good to him. He always is in attack mode. Great clearing video!

[@dougs5406]

The hardest part when your character is being assassinated is you don’t get to respond with how ridiculous their behavior is in any way or it will be.. “see you are the problem”

[@kiwisen]

All your vid s made me understand the 5 year relationship that got me into mental hospital

[@micke7]

Did you get out?

[@lylachristopherson865]

My ex is a narcissist. I still have to deal with his crap, long distance, because of the needs of our child . . . I'm hoping someday our kid figures out what's going on and wants to dump him completely.

[@emilieeshelman1508]

Seriously... why am I just finding these nuggets of gold!! ALL THESE videos you post ate ringing true too a person I interact with often!!! Your work is eye opening to me... you put words to what we have just called ..."you can't make sense of crazy"... this is encouraging and useful information!!! As a child I grew up walking on egg shells.... as an adult it continues.....I appreciate your work!!!

[@peachesmcgee4795]

Two years of withdrawal (aka sulking) when i spoke up to narc friend about her behaviour.

[@AndiPandi1979]

I have tried for years to understand my soon-to-be-ex abusive narc husband. Recently my therapist (from the women's shelter) told me something powerful. She said, "You are trying to find a logical explanation as to why he acts the way he does and treated you the way he did. Do not try to understand it...because it cannot be understood!"

[@KristenLB]

This was so eye opening concerning a relationship I had with a "friend" and I thought I would never find anything to explain it. Most of these videos really explained my narcissistic parent and helped me find closure there, but I was still dealing with hurt because of what happened when I thought I made a long distance friend who had the same circumstances with her parent. After uniting on a health forum and being friends for a couple of months where we talked every day, I once said something that I didn't even know was wrong, and she flipped out and hung up on me, deleted me, blocked me everywhere and I didn't hear from her again until 6 or so months later. When she got back in touch, I accepted her friendship again and I guess we decided to bury the hatchet even though she didn't come back with apologies and I apologized instead, it was sort of an elephant in the room but I wanted the perceived friendship back and it felt all too natural to talk to her, so we continued. We would again talk every day through all our almost identical issues with health and thoughts and I thought things were good, but later on she started sending me packages with gifts almost every chance she got and I started to feel indebted and ... dare I say.. controlled. She always wanted to hear everything I had to say about every gift, and I started to feel like " wow... she REALLY needs validation about the gifts... and herself". Just as things were coming to a head and I mentioned to her I'd rather her not give me so many things because as kind as it was, I felt bad I couldn't reciprocate, and she said that was fine and she'd slow down. One day not long after I tried to tell her I felt like she was doing something unaware and just share my feelings and she shouted at me " HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF THAT?!" and she hung up on me again. I reached out to her husband telling him I was worried about how things ended and I wanted to know she was ok, and I could tell, in "his" response, that it was actually her. "He" said " instead of apologizing to me, maybe you should apologize to her. She's been nothing but good to you, always trying to buy you gifts to make you happy". Something in my gut told me I'd just dodged ANOTHER narc, possibly worse than my parent, because that relationship was so full of disguises. The next day I was blocked on all accounts again and I've never seen or heard from her since, and I know if I do, I'm not to be fooled again. This is SUCH a long comment and one not many people are likely to read, but this video helped me understand that she was a narc as well.. narc's can come in every shape and size, and they can seem like the most funny, humble, appreciative and unassuming people, but you have to keep your guard up, especially if you've escaped that kind of relationship before. The most common 2 I hear of are people's parents or romantic partners being like this, but I wanted to share this story in case it helped another person avoid a situation like this.

[@amyblencowe1981]

This was so helpful to me. I have had to severely limit the amount of contact I have had with my husband. I feel bad for having to do it, but he will not respect my boundaries and I get blamed for so much for all of his pain.

[@raygalvez2004]

Omg! This is a perfect example of the way how a narcissist consider as an insult or you harming them when your intention is try to help them. I love you for the help of your wisdom and enlightenment.

[@psycherevival2762]

The tricky part is ... is how does one hold a narcissist accountable without doing the very thing that we dislike about the narcissist which is blaming and shaming?

[@tcorangemen]

You can’t hold them accountable :(

[@paulakaye2108]

Every so often, I'd make the mistake of bringing up something that my (former) Narc would say, that he "wasn't responsible for" my "happiness"; and yet - he would make *me* entirely "responsible" for *his* "happiness" by doing the things for him that he dictated I should do - errands to be run, clothing to be mended, food to be cooked... Etc! I was basically a "wife without benefits" - except it was more like a "slave"!!! And, he was *stunned* when I confronted him and stepped back, finally realizing what had happened to "me" - that I *wasn't* "me" anymore - I was put in the position of "Mommy" to him!!!

[@traceandtulu6130]

The very last sentence alone was worth Millions to me!!!

[@NikkiGregory]

Wish I had your calmness today, started that way, but didn't end that way. I am done with this narcissist now, and that is freedom. It is just crazy. These are just bad people. There's no excuse for anyone to ever treat others that way.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yes, you need to be free. Dr. C

[@angelamoore8666]

Thank you for EVERYONE of your teaching..it is helping me get free from blame...they sure can cause you mental pain and disrespect...calling you bad names..using profanity..and attacking your self-esteem. Not to mention defaming you to other people and causing you shame. AND THEY ARE NEVER WRONG. SO SAD

[@manofihsan8300]

This man knows what he’s talking about!

[@ldoiron18]

I'm so glad I found your channel, you explain everything so well, thank you

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You made my day! Thanks...LC

[@TaliWho9]

It is the Narc who causes all the upset and turmoil 💯

[@lindalou9937]

If you’re married to a narcissist long term, it takes years to get your head back together. Know that it’s NOT YOU. Get away from the Narcissist for your own sanity. It is worth it to rid your life of the narcissist. No matter what you do, get away from them!!!!!!!

[@winterwunderland]

It is a rough road. My husband has cptsd as well as early dementia. I try to remind myself to: "don't poke the bear" and think of him as my patient. That mindset or headspace offers some relief for me. I am so thankful to have "stumbled" across your channel, Dr. Carter.

[@als3243]

This guy's videos are great because they not only describe narcissism perfectly, he tells you how to deal with the person if you have to have continued contact with them. That's the advice I've found lacking in most other videos dealing with the subject.

[@uttum87]

As a child I once dared to ask my mother if she loved me, why did she hurt me in various ways that I enumerated. She didn’t respond but went and complained about me to my father. I never overheard her say anything nice about me to him! She was always persuading him that I was evil, and telling me how evil I was. I think after that incident is when she started even more seriously viciously attacking me every weekend. Of course she made it look as if it were my fault. Now, many years later, after this video especially, I know that those were narcissistic injury attacks.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Hurt people hurt people.... LC

[@simonec.8253]

That is heartbreaking, Paul. I wish you find peace and happiness. S.

[@juliettesherrill5116]

When I asked my mother why she abused me so much and if she perhaps had been abused as Well, her answer was spoken through seething teeth and an evil contorted face, "I.Didnt.Make.Waves!". In other words, her abusing me was my fault and she had never been abused because she was without fault.

[@estherdavis3075]

So many narc evil mothers do this its so painful the mental torture is unbearable my mother spreads such vicious hateful lies about to my dad its the most painful av ever been through

[@askyeshka726]

I want to thank you. I will pick up your book soon. Thank you for taking on this problem that has left a great many of us left in the wake of man-made evil. The term evil is because there is no other word that can get at the root of what we are facing. Without religious language we can’t speak with the necessary profundity to get at the problem. In distinguishing tragedy and evil, tragedy is not made by human beings, a hurricane, a tsunami, and earthquake or flood are tragic and not man made. The reason we use evil is because it was not necessary, and nobody should feel so entitled that they are willing to cause harm to another human being because they desire to do so. As human beings we are built to withstand tragedy, we are not built to withstand evil. Your presence matters to so many human beings who are or have suffered the almost unbearable pain that ought not to have happened to us. The purpose of the abuse was to convince my Dad that I was not worthy of holding any place in the future as a beloved daughter. I was discarded and when you are discarded they work to ensure that you remain their discard and that includes being discarded by my own Dad. At 14 I could not figure anything out. I am no longer 14. She did not want me in the life she was building with my Dad and her children. If what they want to have happen, happens, then why would they change their behavior? Have you considered an alternative motive. The “what if” we are attributing that they are “feeling” injured is not a feeling at all. Could it be that there is and absence of “feeling” on their part. What if their injury is a manipulation being used to cause fear and anxiety to those of us who believe them to be decent human beings. This person enjoys seeing you in a fear, pain, and anxiety state. Could it be that the person who feigns feelings of injury to gain something from a person who has genuine and authentic countenance of warmth, love and caring. It would never enter our minds to intentionally hurt another because that would not be pleasing for us. If our pain brings them pleasure, power, control, and satisfaction? This may be helpful. Dr. George Simon on predatory aggression: kzbin.info/www/bejne/amWuhJugjcaVqq8 George is still hard at educating us. He is still doing a weekly podcast called Character Matters. I try not to let it bother me but using terms and labels when speaking about people who have made destructive decisions without consequence for their actions is making the label the reason for what was not reasonable. How can we look intelligently at the cause of our distress. Standing still when we are distraught and taking the time to look without emotion and drama and put ourselves in a mindset that enables us to identify correctly and accurately the cause our states of distress, dis ease, agitation and confusion. There are three things we cannot change. The past, the truth, and other people. The person who is hurting us ought not to be hurting us, but they are. People can live lives far outside the boundaries and the basic social construct that most of live in. I was not hurt by a narcissist, sociopath, psychopath, a cluster b, reptile, not an it, not a thing, not some condition, it was not a personality disorder, evil, a demon. I was not hurt by any label or category. I was hurt by a specific human being who was comfortable thinking and saying and doing malevolent things. A human being choosing to cause harm under the disguise of banality. I think Arndt got it wrong it is the banality of evil, it is evil cloaked in the banal. It is morally shocking to acknowledge the truth about the ability and capacity of our fellow humans to have a will and desire to crush the souls of the people who love them. Shattered minds and souls lay open and wounded grappling and fighting to get out of a situation that is mind boggling leaving us searching for answers and a way to understand what happened to us. Worrying is an imagined future that we are emotionally reacting to even though we have not yet had that experience. Resentment, or re sentiment is an experience we lived in the past that we are emotionally reacting to in the present. We can work to gain emotional solidity is the ability to not retreat into fear, resentment, or anger but to feel whatever is that we feel from the stimuli of the moment whether it be pain or pleasure. I am not going to be unwilling to show up for even one moment of this wonderful gift of LIFE. I made a video for relational emotional abuse for Mark Smith at Family Tree counseling after hearing his painful story. kzbin.info/www/bejne/aZSbgayoYpl1nas Thanks again for helping those of us in a very human struggle that do not have a voice. L’Chaim!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Wow! quite a bit of thoughtfulness here! Thanks for putting in the time and effort to share this. I am spiritually grounded and I appreciate the need for character anchored foremost in humility. Very good words indeed. Thank you. LC

[@knowyourlove5613]

Thank you for sharing. I agree about the removing of evil from our vernacular. I think it would be more helpful if they took all the cluster B's and put them in 2 categories: those who are aware of what they are and those who aren't. I've had close relationships with both. YES the psychopath is going to feign feelings, whereas some of the other cluster b's have no idea what they are. In a sense they're kind of split personalities. And it's the ones who aren't aware they can be the most reactive thus the most dangerous.

[@kimnewis9826]

Thank you for the video been shared, subscribed xx

[@ncchia]

Thank you for this! I started having feelings of sadness and missing my soon to be ex husband who has all these traits. I needed to hear this and know that I’m doing the right thing. I also named my dog bullet... you got my attention real quick:)

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Hope your Bullet is doing better than mine. Even though you decided to leave your husband b/c of the narcissism, it is not odd that you would miss him. Divorce has many unexpected elements of grief, and creating a new norm is part of it. You'll get through it! I'm pulling for you. LC

[@ryanackert1536]

Your videos have helped me in a very strong way. I've been dealing with a highly manipulative and vengeful narcissist who has attacked my personal and professional life. Thanks to your videos, I've been able to see through inaccurate beliefs and all the manipulation that I had not been able to see for many years. The knowledge gained and the resulting perspective shift has helped to change my life in a highly quantifiable positive manner. Thank you very much.

[@dawnstonerock884]

I had a friend do this to me about two months ago. I finally realized she’s done this time and time again. I’m finally letting go.

[@MsBonzodog]

My mother was a narc and controlled our family in every way until, thankfully she died last year. I’m a twin. And her way of bringing us up was divide and conquer. My sister never understood why I moved away when i realised what was happening, and that things would never change. My father still talks to her and even tells her when he planning to redecorate. I just hope he can see through all her lies and create a relationship ship with us in the time he has left.

[@markeyap2757]

When God finally woke me up and I left my demonic/ narcissistic ex, he said I will suffer. So glad I’m over feeling bad and trying to help him.

[@sm4259]

Some people are just Rotten-- period. And Rotten doesn't like seeing you with good flourishing things -- Rotten loves to insult- Rotten loves to mock- Rotten loves to lie - Rotten loves to play mind games- Rotten isn't happy unless you are miserable

[@Robidu1973]

Misery loves company. Narcissists have to make other folks miserable so they don't have to feel too bad about themselves.

As always , in order to solve a problem it must be identified in the first place. Doctor Carter does a great job in showing out the narcissists issues .

[@lulabella9249]

Dr. Carter, I really love and appreciate how you so often begin your videos with a personal story to help convey the topic of your video. This particular concept of narcissistic injury hits home for me. I have tried many times to hold compassionate space for the narcissist but it always ends badly. I am so grateful that I have finally learned to feel confident enough to stand up for myself and create healthy boundaries that do not permit the falling out from narcissistic rage. Thank you for your insight and kindness in sharing this information 🤗

[@d.3243]

"I can't handle life like a normal person!" I will now see that as an imaginary shirt my Narcissist is wearing. Kinda makes me chuckle and helps disarm their power. My adult child has learned to hear a "laughtrack" whenever our Narcissist is on one of his rants.

[@lynnfincham6839]

I don’t tolerate the rage or bad mouthing... if that’s starts I just walk away...

[@deedawson8122]

Same here!

[@ScarlettO323]

Narcs ruin any good time and make bad times worse.

[@wolfae7065]

This video has changed my life. It came at the perfect time. Thank you, God bless!

[@CrissyAlwaysSunny]

Every word you’re saying resonates with me. It’s like you were there and know this person. Wow.