the instrumentalization of emotional labor

[@botdfisdabomb]

I used to think that I liked being alone and independent. I prided myself on being self reliant and taking care of my own. Then when I started participating in community events I realized how lonely I had been. I saw how nice it felt to help make things better for everyone. I learned that if I contributed to the planning and orchestrating of events then I would enjoy them more, and everyone else would appreciate the help. Keeping your peace is nice in times of recovery but true personal growth takes effort and stress, before you see the rewards.

[@zenleeparadise]

I had the same revelation before throwing myself into my community a few years back, which was the Orthodox Jewish community. And it turned out to be a really terrible idea! And I've just been lonely since leaving the faith because, like, I literally have no idea how people find communities to be involved in outside of organized religion. I can't fathom what community you involved yourself in if it's a secular one. Do you have advice for people???

[@DavidCruickshank]

@@zenleeparadise In general, hobbies. Choose something you do for fun and find other people who also do that thing for fun and do it together. Like acting and theater, get involved with local productions. Like food, get involved with foodie groups. Like art, get involved with local art exhibitions and classes. Like cosplay, get involved with local cosplaying groups at conventions. The list is endless.

[@ayemiksenoj5254]

More people need to have this revelation. Often I have found that people who scream they love their independence and aloneness are in some way forced into it. It's not their choice. They're just trying to convince themselves to try and make the best of it.

[@zenleeparadise]

@@DavidCruickshank I've been having an existential crisis about your comment the last few days. I realized I don't have a single social hobby I engage in anymore. I used to bowl. Maybe I'll start bowling again. Idk what to do, really, but thanks for your insight.

[@John_Malka-tits]

You sound totally chill, not wound up at all

[@ajustice]

I went through a recent friendship breakup where a friend of 20 years essentially dumped me because she thinks I'm a negative person. She dropped this on me out of nowhere and even though I explained to her that if I'm negative it is a result of my personal struggles over the last several years, including living in poverty, she still insisted she needed to 'protect her peace' by essentially cutting me out of her life. It reminded me of how like a year ago she had told me in my breaking up with my partner, I didn't owe that person anything. In retrospect, I understand this is how she felt towards me and the friendship. I had seen stuff about people ending friendships online and a phrase I heard a lot was ‘you don’t owe your friend an explanation for why you want to end it’. But what you said in this video kind of validates the opposite idea: we owe each other everything. If we insist that being respectful towards others and not being an asshole is the bare minimum of decent human behavior, then we have to collectively admit that we do owe each other kindness and compassion and often that means explaining ourselves and being willing to have difficult conversations. Especially in our personal relationships. I just feel like this ‘protecting your peace’ and not wanting to do ‘emotional labor’ and putting yourself first as a form of self-care and self-love so often gets used to justify frankly selfish and avoidant behavior. I had called my ex-friend out on saying some really hurtful things to me and she refused to apologize and claimed I was insulting her character by pointing out how what she said was cruel and hurtful and lacked empathy and compassion. It felt like she was treating the situation the same way people apply the term ‘toxic’. Obviously there are legitimate things to protect yourself from, like genuinely toxic behavior. But the word ‘toxic’ should be reserved for genuinely abusive and harmful behavior and situations. It should not be liberally applied to anything and everything that makes us uncomfortable. People challenging you or criticizing you or calling you out on your poor behavior is not inherently toxic or something you need to be protecting yourself from and neither is being around people who are struggling in life. This kind of ‘self-care, protect your peace’ language often just works to rationalize and therefore encourage being inconsiderate of others’ feelings and to get out of doing any sort of real reflection and working towards resolving conflicts. It makes people feel better about refusing to engage with difficult topics and refusing to have difficult and challenging conversations because being selfish and avoidant is ‘preserving your peace’ and it’s justified by not wanting to do ‘emotional labor’.

[@EJ_2091]

Yeah, I had the unfortunate front row seat to watching my friendship group implode because one friend told the other that they didn't want to be friends with her anymore because she required 'too much emotional labour' and that they wanted to set their own boundaries against people like that now. It was fucking rude and insensitive, especially when I know the friend they said it to struggles with their own emotions and with feeling like they're already too much for people. Like people have every right to leave a friendship if they aren't happy in it anymore, but friendship (like all relationships) *should* involve emotional labour because you're committed to working hard to support each other.

[@pollypocket2743]

this has been something i've been trying to put words to for a while, so i'm so glad you said it so succinctly! the way i've come to think of it is that performing emotional labour for others is simply an normal part of any healthy relationship, up to the point at which it requires you to deny or neglect your own mental health ("i don't want to have an uncomfortable conversation" doesn't count, but "i am going through something uniquely challenging and i don't have the mental/emotional reserves to be there for others in the way i normally would" does). I don't necessarily think that it's something we are required to do for others, but i think it's fair to say that people who outright refuse to make an emotional effort to understand/empathize/connect with can rightfully be called out for not being very good friends/ family/partners, etc. It makes me really uncomfortable when some of my friends just totally cut off others in situations that i feel could just be misunderstandings or mistakes. Yes, it does have an effect on your mental health, but that's not always the other persons' fault, it could just be a shitty situation or an action that doesn't reflect who they are otherwise.

[@kelly-nt3bw]

i had a similar situation when a friend of 3 years basically dumped me without a proper explanation; it's hard to move on and heal without getting the proper ending and apology that you deserve.

[@phg3993]

Same thing here. Former friend burnt bridges with me without explanation to "protect herself". She refused to talk about it. Sometimes it's not always about you. This person was very uncomfortable with vulnerability and verbalizing emotions. She told me she had troubles keeping friends and she preferred to discard friendships instead of fixing them. I thought I'd be different...

[@saturationstation1446]

one day well off folks will gain their sanity back and realize the world doesnt need them to function and they are just kind of there making everything worse for all those who are actually contributing to society

[@CC3GROUNDZERO]

Isn't it a core aspect of neoliberal ideology to perceive and treat emotional exchanges, and even polite gestures as currency? Some people obstinately refuse to ever say "please" and "thank you" e.g. when dealing with service personnel in restaurants etc, or even in more private situations. I believe they would see it as a weakness to "give" someone a "please" or "thank you".

[@Alaskan-Armadillo]

TRUTH! YES! God I fucking love this comment.

[@stevenhskns]

Yes! I feel like it’s the HR-ification of relationships and friendships! I am 1000% for healthy boundaries and realizing some issues should be dealt with through the help of a professional. But i feel for lack of better phrase emotional labor has been … neo-liberalized. What philosopher Mark Fisher called the privatization of stress.

[@stevenhskns]

I agree so much. I think everyone should go to therapy if they have the means. But therapy is a commodity, a growing one. And while mental health services provides life changing skills and information I feel it has a relationship with the mindset of hyper individuality encouraged by a culture within neo-liberalism (I hate over using the word i don’t know what else to use?). I mean protect your *personal peace* but what is “personal is political!”

[@getcrepuscular9755]

Sort of. Anthropoligist David Graeber writes in Debt that these transactional please and thank yous came out of the newly formed english middle classes attempts to act like feudal dukes and barons, and that it caught on with anyone in business trying to get ahead. But idk his source on that tho

[@claudiabcarvalho]

That's very much aristocratic, a trait the bourgeois inherited from aristocracy back in feudalism (among other elitist traditions).

[@lousielouise8716]

In my experience, conflict resolution is also a skill that is not cultivated the way it should be. Ending friendships instead of taking a break and circling back, or figuring out how to repair them is "easier" short term, but it will also leave you very, very lonely.

[@lalailm]

Normally its bc when you are at the point of having to break up with a friend, “taking a break” its not even an option anymore and one of the sides is certainly not accepting that solution for what it is: a break from a relationship between two people who are not immutable and should not be the same forever. There is a phrase that I feel sums up this really well: understand that friends change and you wont have to change friends. It’s inevitable that people in your life will change. Its only up to you to decide if even after said change, the relationship is worth investing into. And whatever you decide, understand that you have the right to do so

[@MangaMarjan]

I think a big reason why people try to "protect their peace" is simply due to the fact that they have no more energy to spend after being exploited all day in and out. Going to work, commuting, filling out forms, keeping up with various obligations, cleaning your home, etc. it all takes so much from everyone. Many times, there is simply not a lot more energy to spend. I believe that's why this mindset is more feminine coded because women are still expected to do a lot of the care labor and risk being burnt out much faster but don't get the same sympathy as men being burned out by their 55 hour work week. When I did therapy we worked on a trauma/stress-model. It basically shows how much of your energy is taken up by trauma and how much energy you could spend on stressful things. Personally, my trauma is relatively high and my stress threshold rather low. If I work full-time most of the energy is already used up that I would love to put into people I love and things that seem important to me. And I'm not the only one feeling that way. We all live in a society that makes us only concentrate on ourselves because it is rewarded and everything else is unpaid labor (for the most part).

[@9_ki_si_]

I agree I think its important to understand the inequality of emotional labour in terms of reproductive and domestic work, but also when it comes to social classes; a wealthy person might be more capable to perform emotional labour than a depleted workingclass person might. In a way I see emotional labour as a capital you perform and care is somewhat different.

[@erilgaz]

@@9_ki_si_ I feel like we observe the opposite though, at least in my perspective of Turkish people. Working class people and people living in small poor communities seem to invest much more into performing emotional labour for each other. This might be because for these people, their social support network are vital to survive. The emotional labour of supporting your neighbour or fighting and afterwards patching things up with a relative is rewarded by them coming to your aid when you need help, help a middle class person could choose to purchase. However, this might be less true for the more atomised and likely lonelier western societies.

[@MomoMensch]

I love the topic and I totally agree with you in a way, but coming from a perspective of habitual people pleasing I gotta say that i needed to hear "You do not owe everyone all your empathy." from my therapist :D I think it is all about finding a balance. How much can I give without losing myself? How much can I empathize without getting chronically stressed? How much can I feel responsible for the world when I know I can not handle changing everything about my life to save it and even if I did, it would not be enough?

[@Alaskan-Armadillo]

The thing is that you acknowledge that it's a balance. I have met a lot of people who hear "You don't owe people shit" and feel like they can do whatever they want. It's just so dumb because people might as well be like "Well I'm not a bigot so I must be an amazing person"

[@charlieistryinghisbest]

That is the whole idea,right?❤️ You actually found a way to not be estranged from yourself,to actually be sincere in how you connect to people! The idea is not to just give to others over and over until there is nothing left,we don't just exist to please other people. We can actually get to a point where we help other people because we want to,not because we *have to*.

[@lukedmoss]

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”

[@charlieistryinghisbest]

@@lukedmoss Such a good point.

[@drsalka]

@MomoMensch: i was about to start typing a comment expressing a similar sentiment to yours (thanks for putting it into words better than i could).

[@vincentgross5417]

Fun fact: in France when evaluating work hazards, emotional demands are officially listed as a hazard, one of the six psychological and social hazard classes. And it is a hazard when there is an external force (profit imperative) that impedes on the healthy processing and digesting of emotions. Think of "cast members" at Mousyland that must always smile and be cheerful, whatever happen in their life. Or graveyard workers moving caskets when leases expire, glimpsing a sight of less than fresh remnants, then told to man up and do the next one.

[@laratrenchev3975]

Hello! Sorry if this is a weird question but I was wondering if you have any sources /examples of this? I work in HR and am currently working on our psychosocial policies and procedures, and this would be really useful to consider!

[@vincentgross5417]

Gladly! INRS is the official body working on health and safety at work in France, they have all the documentation you can dream of. They also have trainings, but not quite suitable for newcomers. For this I would recommend the health and safety (SSCT - Santé Sécurité Conditions de Travail) mandatory trainings for newly-elected CSE representatives, they are equally useful and informative for the employer. For more hands-on material, Marie Pezé is a very good starting point, I recommend her book "Il ne mourraient pas tous mais tous étaient frappés", as well as the publications of the non-profit she is heading, "Souffrance et Travail". If you are lucky or persistent, you can try to grab a copy of "La raison des plus forts - Chroniques du procès France Télécom", or you can find a screening of "Par la fenêtre ou par la porte" close to you, it is a documentary on the same subject. And I think that is plenty enough to get started. Just, do not forget to pace yourself, these topics can be emotionnally draining. (Sorry Alice I am pushing so many readings that are not your Book 😅)

[@spaceanarchist1107]

These jobs are, by their nature, only suitable for certain people. Disney's costumed workers are actors; if someone isn't good at acting, they won't flourish in that job. Similarly, a person with a weak stomach generally won't do well working with the remains of the dead.

[@laratrenchev3975]

@@vincentgross5417 this is such a clear and comprehensive answer, you have no idea how much I appreciate it - thank you!!

[@youtubename7819]

Isn’t it ironic that movie stars are paid MILLIONS to perform emotional labor, but for the common man, emotional labor is considered an unimportant fact of life that they’re just forced to perform and should not be paid for?

[@hawkapollo5830]

"Introspection is essential to fully develop yourself, but it cannot work alone because of how interdependent we are." Man, I wish that advice had come into my life sooner. I went through a breakup a while ago and quite a few of my friends were also her friends. I was barely vocal about it and about any of my anxieties afterwards because I wanted to figure it out by myself. So much so, I got to a point where it felt like they didn't connect with me anymore and they started being more distant than ever.

[@lukedmoss]

Thank you for sharing. I believe that "interdependence" as a concept in day-to-day life has the potential to nurture some real and impactful changes for the better.

[@Valentien23]

@@lukedmossagreed

[@kymbbm]

Felt. I was having problems with my ex for a while when all of my friends sided with her and literally stopped supporting me when I had a really hard time just because she was very vocal and loved complaining about me while I felt like sharing my concerns would be a burden. Even my best friend was on her side even though she was emotionally torturing me and was still dating me and taking half of my wage for half a year ALREADY KNOWING that she's going to break up with me. It's insane how important communication is and how important it is to be open and clear with other people so that they didn't have any misconceptions about you.

[@harshtiwari6893]

I think Zizek has also talked about this. He mentioned how there seems to be (what I call) a sort of Zen Hedonism in vogue. People are told to want to have sex, to travel, to party, to have fun, but in doing all this one shouldn't get "too attached" lest one fails "to enjoy life" or "be oneself". It's so ironic that authenticity today requires such a profound kind of self-denial.

[@zenleeparadise]

Fascinating comment! Where does Zizek talk about this? I'd love to read what he has to say about the topic.

[@Hopppp]

I also want to know

[@wildfire9280]

Thirded.

[@kyleyrumohr997]

from my experience, people who think they don't owe anything to anyone, think you owe them a lot of emotional labor.

[@aeternumanimus]

“If someone asks me what do I own to people, I’ll say - everything”. This was so resonating and validating for me. I was always afraid to voice up this opinion as nowadays it seems like everyone is telling me otherwise. Being in abusive relationships, it was really common to hear “I don’t own you anything” which came through to me as “I don’t care about you or your feelings, deal with it on your own”. That made me feel like I am the abuser in there and I want from people too much. So!! Thank you for sharing your thoughts on that subject, you truly helped me to feel better about myself 🧡

[@youtubename7819]

Abusers all have the tactic of using language that subtly makes you think you might be the abuser.

[@John_Malka-tits]

You sound totally chill, not wound up at all

[@someundeadtalent2016]

@@John_Malka-titswhat’s wrong with you that you’re commenting such negative, 2D statements everywhere?

[@John_Malka-tits]

@someundeadtalent2016 were you born in 2016? This is what I grew up doing online. What's wrong with you? Are you like the manner cops or a meter maid or something?

[@wildfire9280]

@@John_Malka-tits You sound chill spamming this

[@sethcarver6275]

when you answered "what do we owe each other?" with "i would say everything," I literally shouted out loud EXACTLY.

[@theriveroftruth]

i first came across the term emotional labor during a class in uni called Mickey’s American Dream which went into a book called The Disneyization of Society. the way that disney park workers are called cast members and expected to fill a role to perpetuate the happiest place on earth imagery juxtaposes the workers’ living conditions SO much. it was also the first time i was exposed to Abigail Disney and what she’s been saying about the disney company for a long time 👀

[@bishop51807]

Yeah, it's ironic because Disney employees are forced to smile, and the performers are *NEVER!* allowed to break character. However, in their personal lives are unhappy and underpaid. I gave an Uber to a Disney Employee who was pregnant, I ask her "wouldn't it be nice to go there with your own child one day," she responded "I will never bring my child there" Yikes!😮

[@julezthealien2467]

It's definitely a yes AND situation for me. I have been people pleasing almost my entire life out of fear of rejection as well as for survival. Since going to therapy and doing on-going introspection and deep reflection, I have learned that emotional labor has many facets and aspects, as you've described in this video. Emotional labor can show up in multiple ways. I have taken on the emotional labor of NOT being honest with how I FEEL. By allowing people to continue behaviors that cause active damage towards myself. Emotional labor can also look like being the dumping grounds for other people's emotional shit and baggage, it can look like playing the parent of a partner in a relationship. Trying to regulate their emotions for them instead of them doing it themselves. Being the person to teach them the bare minimum responsibilities in relationships. I have experienced emotional labor primarily on these sides of things. But i also see how others will use "emotional labor" as a cop out for not wanting to experience difficult emotions that reflect parts of themselves, and to genuinely show up for others in a supportive way. I think what this ties into which some other comments have mentioned is the topic of boundaries and being able to enforce them in a healthy way, and being honest enough with yourself about what are truly boundaries and what are you running away from responsibility and accountability. Doing too much emotional labor can result in a giving away too much of ourselves to maintain our own emotional well being. But not doing enough deprives us not only connection and community with others, but of opportunities to continue to grow and evolve as human-beings and give others that same opportunity as well.

[@MELLMAO]

I think this was all meant for extreme people pleasers and very self-doubting and self-sacrificing people, but it trickled down to people who REALLY don't need it and all hell broke loose

[@celinehervault6572]

Watching your video makes me wonder: why being sociable is getting more and more complicated in this society ? Loneliness is becoming a real struggle nowadays, but it looks like we do not have the strength (or the will?) to go out, socialise. What happened to us ? In a way, we are dreaming about others life, about those who have a really active sociale life. But we all chose to cloister ourself in our bubble of loneliness.

[@LUVRG1RL]

i think it’s bc our lives are becoming too commodified. if it’s not something we feel we can benefit from quickly it seems useless to put energy into it in a way. i used to be the type to just cut people off and not have difficult conversations because i felt like people should be perfect… off bat. but that’s a terrible way to look at our friendships and relationships, it’s so unfair. i feel like we’re losing our humanity in a way

[@film9491]

Everyone lives so far away driving is the only way to get there. Driving is stressful and dangerous. Everyone has different work schedules and are left too exhausted by their jobs to do anything after anyway. I hate it here

[@PamsPrettyPlants]

It’s called capitalism.

[@LUVRG1RL]

@@PamsPrettyPlants true

[@cassielee1114]

When I was younger there was always someone at home for my mum to pop in the car and visit. Now literally everyone has to work all the time. Third spaces are disappearing while online interactions become easier and easier. Then covid gave a lot of us a big pause in life and things never quite went back. On top of that the cost of living crisis means everything costs 1/3rd more while wages remain the same. Then there’s the fact that everyone now knows for sure that the people in charge don’t care about us regular people and morale has collectively plummeted.

[@essendossev362]

The place where I've gotten to about emotional labour: I won't do it for anyone who wouldn't either reciprocate it for me, or else pass forward that labour to others, unless I sincerely enjoy doing that labour myself. Mostly, it's about not doing things that I know will bring upon feelings of resentment later on. A few examples: - I sincerely enjoy hearing about ppls problems, empathizing with them. I like seeing movies that make me feel a variety of emotions, and the same holds true in my personal life, with the added quality of feeling more personally connected to the ppl in my life. And I don't necessarily need to feel that any one specific person reciprocates that at any one specific time (ppl got too much going on sometimes, or have their own sensitivities to certain details), but I do need to be able to find support *somewhere* within my community when I need it. - I enjoy planning group trips. I'm happy to be the primary person to provide that labour in my social circles. On the other hand, I'm overwhelmed by planning social activities like secret santa, so I'm glad that others in my social circles take on that labour. - I will not perform emotional labour in a romantic relationship with a man unless that is reciprocated within that relationship. I'm fed up with men not reciprocating emotional labour in romantic relationships, so that's a baseline criteria for me now to even consider being in a romantic relationship with a man.

[@sarahwatts7152]

A big part of this is an all or nothing mindset, people believing they either owe others everything or nothing. It's better to have a more flexible mindset and to change what is said based on the situation. I will make myself vulnerable to people when I think they are actually listening and/or when it is important in the long run. Plus sometimes you don't have the Big Conversation in you in the moment but will later.

[@m_n_m7]

i think it also ties in with our obsession with convenience. maintaining meaningful relationships that require you to sometimes(!!) put the other person first are too much of a hassle when you can have a nice enough group of friends who meet up for brunch every now and then and discuss things that never go too far below the surface. it's the equivalent to people who watch tiktoks for hours because they do not want to put in the effort to watch a whole movie. but what is easiest momentarily is not always what is best for us

[@KartKid18]

thanks for the excellent video!! i recently started ‘the agony of eros’ by byung chul han, interesting read. he uses the term “entrepreneurship of the self” to talk about how we have become both the dominator and the dominated, how we hold ourselves captive in these quests for positivity and identity as opposed to just letting all of life in. the consumption of everything including emotions and empathy has really created a flat perspective of our very mysterious, sometimes beautiful sometimes awful reality. i will definitely remember your words “if someone asks me what i owe other people, i would definitely say ‘everything!’”

[@Alaskan-Armadillo]

Damn.. This video is just so validating. I have noticed a lot of the people I'm around misuse the term emotional labour to mean that they can't be empathetic because they're too busy focusing on their own individual struggle. To which I said that by that logic I should just walk past a woman if she gets cat called and not do anything even though I as a guy could/should speak up since the cat caller would be more likely to listen to a fellow guy then if the woman they were objectifying spoke up. Plus the way people use self-care to the point that they use it as an excuse to be shitty towards others. Personal barriers and self care are scales but the way people treat them they've become walls to keep them trapped in to the point that they can't connect with others.

[@saturationstation1446]

emotional labor to well off people means - "giving the working class its humanity back"

[@Jazzmaster1992]

Whenever someone does this to me I assume they just don't care that much about me. Except they don't want to say it that way because it makes them sound like an a-hole, so they try to give some broader, "grander" reason that lets them off the hook. It's basically the "polite let down" of friendships. But I've learned to see through it and call it for what it is, so when I can tell what's going on I know to just walk away.

[@John_Malka-tits]

You sound totally chill, not wound up at all

[@Alaskan-Armadillo]

@@John_Malka-tits It's sad because I am and yet you're a perfect example of that part of society I find so pitiful where instead of helping people and contributing to the conversation you mock them so why don't you try contributing to the conversation?

[@cameroneiting8746]

I have come to similar conclusions myself recently. I am 21, studying Philosophy in college, and moved solo into my own place about a year ago. I was always influenced by the existentialists, and decided to go my own path. Yet, I have recently come to realize how energized I become in interacting with people, and have found that Philosophy only really happens in our contact with the other. The work of Emanuel Levinas has been very helpful in this realization. For him Ethics is first Philosophy, consciousness is first and foremost for-the-other, never for-itself.

[@stefaniapatane1945]

Hi from a fellow philosophy student. Sometimes I isolate myself, in love with some author or lost in my own thinking. When I realise that, I always think about Socrate. Philosophy’s origin is in the agora. The philosopher is that courageous person that use conversation to interrogate himself and others about what we tend to consider true. Philosophy starts like a group activity, as a way to make colture and to question beliefs. I’m happy to see that you have understand that we can/have to do like Socrates. I wish you the best luck for your studies. Bye from🇮🇹

[@lydiomangao1110]

Follow the "trail" respond to the "face" that commands... You can do it! :D

[@troubadour723]

So “emotional labor” has basically developed a culture of insincerity.

[@l00tur]

Easier to control the wage earners if you keep them in despair all the time.

[@lukedmoss]

!!!

[@alexanderbryant4979]

I would say the opposite. The need for Incicerity made the concept of emotional labor.

[@fernandakuster4640]

Not really, it has developed a culture of selfish people thinking that while they demand emotional labour from others, they'd rather keep their peace.. I'd say this goes along with meritocracy believers pre realization that regardless of their efforts and the people they abandoned they are still very unlikely to be "successful"

[@iamsandrewsmith]

Well said! Especially the economic aspects of the subject. Putting that aside a bit, I work as a music teacher for students of all ages. This requires me to project an entertaining and outgoing personality, especially when I am working with very young children. My naturally introspective, Steven Wright-esque vibe does not (usually) hold the attention of a six-year-old. To play the role of an extrovert on a daily basis is certainly a form of emotional labor -- it can be exhausting, but I also find it deeply satisfying. Of course, I can only speak for myself here, but it's hard to see this mask as being only a mask. It's a side of my personality that is, you could say, circumstantial -- the "me" that hops, and then walks, around my teaching studio to show a first-grader how to play legato on the piano is also the "me" that just wants to go home and fall asleep on my recliner watching KZbin videos. People are, of course, complex. I'm a bit skeptical (face it, Brits: it's a K!) of pop-psychology attempts to reduce that complexity to a two-word phrase, especially when emotional labor is a real thing that can be very problematic. I suppose what I'm probably using too many words to say here is this: Pop psychology says that it's work to wear a mask, but a mask is hardly ever "only" a mask. Your inner self is what brings the mask to life.

[@mj1cw]

Hugely agree with this. I think the transposition of the notion of emotional labour outside of the context of labour traditionally construed has a lot to do with it. Traditional labour is inherently transactional, but our relationships should not be! We owe others everything - and are owed in kind. But this requires a spirit of reciprocity, willingness to engage in community and solidarity and a desire to experience what others experience, as you said. How can we possibly hope to quantify these exchanges for the purposes of some sort of emotional book keeping? More importantly, why should we? Great video again!!!

[@TheOneWhoKnocks969]

When Alice drops it feels like an occasion

[@sriracha_sauce]

I'm a undergrad psychology major and I recently went through a really bad period of life where I essentially lost both my best friend, romantic partner, and the rest of my friends at my university. It brought me a lot of pain because I could not wrap my head around the lack of empathy I felt from the people around me in a time I was struggling in, when I was someone who would be there to support a stranger, nevermind a friend who actively asked for help, at a moments notice if I was able to. This is the first piece of media since then that I've found has really put some of my thoughts into words. It seems like so many of my generation is so focused on hyperproductivity that they don't see those around them as humans anymore - just resources to be exploited. I'm working slowly on building my own support system internally now and being less reliant on others, because I've been hurt so badly before, but it makes me sad to be forced to do so. Fewer and fewer people my age are willing to actually give time and emotional labor to others just for the sake of it, they always expect something back. I went into psychology because I wanted to help others - and it breaks my heart to see no one around me have the same values.

[@MariaPaula-uw3ds]

I resonated so much with this that it almost hurt me

[@Jamhael1]

Wgat do you see, in clinical terms, what are the main issues in society today?

[@nimusehno]

Hearing each other’s stories is the spice of life

[@danielapena5437]

Just want to mention another example of emotional labor, I started working on a call center. It is so surreal for me that they are teaching us "empathy",but is just basically keeping the costumer calm, but never truly engaging with them because people can be quite mean on the phone. It is just so absurd.

[@Sarah.H5]

I once did some charity voluntary work in the call centre taking donations during a national televised charity event in the UK. I was shocked to find that most people were pretty grumpy giving their payment details over the phone, even though it was a totally voluntary charity donation. I think this could have been because there was a bit of a queue on the lines to get through. I found it extremely exhausting remaining calm and polite, trying to de-escalate the person's emotions so I could take their payment details. I thoroughly applaud the hard work and skill of call centre workers.

[@filipoo78]

Modern psychology doesn’t teach that you should detach yourself from other people. I think it’s mostly about understanding your feelings when interacting with others. This is needed, because during socialization in neoliberal society you learn that emotions are currency and at some point you stop to hear your own emotions. There are only emotions of others, their expectations. I would rephrase “you don’t own anything to anyone” to “you are as important as others”. You should speak up when you feel like so, just don’t be an a**hole. Communication with others always requires some level of emotional labor, but that doesn’t mean that you should sacrifice yourself in the process

[@charlieistryinghisbest]

Exactly. The idea that we owe other people *everything* is destructive. But the same goes for owing other people nothing. That's why introspection is important,to actually find a healthy,appropriate, sincere balance.

[@MELLMAO]

What you're talking about is pop psychology (or California psychology, idk). Academic psycholohy is a VERY different things and most of the terms discussed in this video are not official or scientific psychology terms.

[@aluacage1054]

As someone who has gone through a lot of difficult things in my life, it baffles me how many people refuse to feel uncomfortable. They would rather pretend that thing/action/emotion/person doesn’t exist rather than confront it. But I wasn’t allowed that luxury and learn to deal with it and I try to be there for my friends when I can, bc I know how to. And others just refuse to face it, why are people so self-centered and selfish?

[@grace-od1wf]

i think there are times when we do owe people things, and sometimes i hate when people say we don’t. if i’m friends with someone and i do something shitty, i owe them an apology/explanation. if my friend does something shitty to me, they owe me an apology/explanation. and if i don’t get one i feel like they don’t respect me and never respected me at all, and i hate making people that i care for feel that way because i respect them. we do owe each other things. i hate the refusal to do emotional labor in these cases because it’s not protecting your peace, it’s inconsiderate and immature to refuse to communicate. every situation will be different, so this can’t always be true, but i think for the most part, we owe the people in our lives communication and respect at the very least.

[@AnimatedHooman]

I watch almost all the videos on this channel and sometimes even rewatch them like this one. This is the first time I have been in the comment section and the discourse here is soo good. Just look that the length of comments and their replies, most of them are greater than two line(I am watching this on a laptop) and it is so nice. Really fills my heart with the community you have build

[@collinihood9430]

I studied acting in college, so emotional labor was kind of part of my training, and those skills translated really well into my work with a particularly sensitive population in a hospital, even on the really difficult days I manage to put on a smile because I know it can save someone's life just by being personable and easy to work with. I feel like emotional work is something that can be trained, but I do usually feel like I owe a raise just for my acting degree lol

[@priyankawaghmode1728]

When you are acting, do you feel the emotions you are acting out or do you detach yourself while being aware that it's just acting ?

[@collinihood9430]

@@priyankawaghmode1728 It depends on the role, but characters that I particularly connect with, I feel the emotions of while we're in scenes. It's kinda something I've learned to shake off once the curtain goes down.

[@priyankawaghmode1728]

@@collinihood9430 Is it same in the real life interactions? What I mean is, when you act in real life in certain situations, do you feel those emotions or you treat it like a job?

[@John_Malka-tits]

You sound totally chill, probably not fake as shit

[@collinihood9430]

@@John_Malka-tits yeah, I've been talking about that in therapy lately actually. I feel fake sometimes, luckily I feel pretty autonomous in my personal life, like I don't need to pretend around friends and such. So at least there's that.

[@Mel-pi2ns]

Recently I got ghosted by a friend I’ve known for 13 years. She hurt me and avoided a confrontation, telling me she wished we’d simply be friends again (without discussing what happened or a talk about our feelings). This felt like such a huge disrespect towards me as a person and my feelings that I am kinda bitter to this day. What has been especially hurtful, was that she claimed that she really cared for me and wanted to work on our friendship which was totally contradicting the fact that she ghosted me after stating this. I once texted her because I found something I thought was hers and then she finally replied to my former messages addressing our conflict just to ghost me in the end. I really don’t get why people struggle so much with this - these uncomfortable feelings are the price for authenticity and the meaning the friendship once had. Nowadays she acts like we’re strangers or like she didn’t see me when we randomly meet on the streets (which I think is much more uncomfortable than a discussion would have ever been). This contradicting behaviour is really hurt- and harmful. Thanks for this video!

[@Alltagundso]

That just makes so much sense! 😢 One of the reasons I hate work in a service is that people constantly complained about my resting bitch face.

[@shannondollie]

Its like when people say I need to find myself before I get into a relationship… sometimes the relationship actually helps you find yourself. No one is an island

[@eldritchtourist]

Sometimes someone else seeing you authentically and being able to discern what is and isn't actually part of your soul is absolutely what helps you see yourself. I would've struggled for probably my whole life if I wasn't transformed by the intimacy and care mutually mirrored in my relationship with my now-spouse. Neither of us were in the best place at the start of our relationship but the momentum wanting to "show up" for each other, the love, is what changed the pace of the transformation from lazy and apathetic to urgent and alive. I didn't want to let this person down. I didn't want to let myself down because I was someone they loved and I didn't want to disrespect anything this wonderful person loved.

[@seanpatrick1243]

We idolize narcissistic sociopaths, a personality trait which is required to attain “success” in today’s society.

[@billyLego4855]

Thank you!!!! What the heck has it taken so obviously long for people to know this!!!

[@kipruto_]

Christopher lasch wants to kiss u

[@John_Malka-tits]

Have you ever considered you're just not worming hard enough? Like you got soft work going on?

[@seanpatrick1243]

@@John_Malka-tits Worming? Have you ever considered that Freud may be reaching out to you from the grave to teach you about projection?

[@John_Malka-tits]

@seanpatrick1243 "Working" sorry if that confused you. You may like to know I call those kind of typo errors "Freudian clicks" instead of a Freudian slip

[@shinwaramin8582]

traveling around the world and meeting people and learning about their experience is very important

[@nathananderson8720]

This is one of the channels that gave me the courage to start my KZbin channel 9 months ago about self development. Now I have 1,307 subs and > 1,000 hours of watch time. I know it’s not comparable with others but I’m still proud I started because I’ve been learning so many lessons that I could haven’t learned without getting started in the 1st place.

[@areeshak.8019]

i love you for this Alice. Truly loved the video essay and everything you said. I'd also like to add a perspective. I come from a society that's financially struggling, so i spent my early years studying a lot and then when i entered the corporate world (last year) i soon discovered how it was set up in a way to isolate us. While doing my remote full time on the weekdays and spending my weekends doing necessary life chores, I had zero emotional capacity even to process my own emotions. I witnessed myself drifting away from my social circle because i literally DID NOT have time and even when i did interact i had zero emotional energy to entertain socially and be present during conversations with others. When my therapist pointed out that i had started to emotionally dissociate....it was hard. So i saved up as much as i could from my job and left it. I am currently trying to emotionally stabilize and find my way back to good people around me. But also that my savings are running out now, so i'm scared...The gap in my resume also scares me that i might not get a job. so yea....an amazing society we live in today🙃

[@KootFloris]

Fun fact: I train (improv) actors, and I see it as my work to unmask the masks on stage. The actors of course play being unmasked, but doing so the reveal the daily lies we live. I think this is perhaps the most important function of theatre, and through this help the audience get in touch with their true humanity underneath the masks.

[@retrigger_]

I guess there is also an underlying notion that emotional labour (or any labour) is less important because is done by people who are underprivileged and it is related to reproductive (not productve) work. Like in the Russeau citation, in this society, it seems everybody is in it to win, not to care. Even when they want to point out the problematic issues in a costume :D

[@someundeadtalent2016]

I was someone who tried to „protect their peace“ until like a year or two ago. Then I realized- this made me lonely, and wasn’t truly what I wanted, needed. In context of truly abusive, toxic and negative relations to anyone, it makes sense to put yourself first - that sister that doesn’t acknowledge your gender in any way, that mother that won’t take responsibility for the wrongs she’s done, that partner thats extremely jealous and controlling; you don’t have to entertain them. But when it comes to people‘s growth, and small bumps in relationships, it should be basic humanity to talk things out and THEN come to a conclusion. Not just cutting them out. I almost did. that to a friend that used to talk very badly about people, which lead to me not answering her texts half of the time. She then asked me why I was so distant and I explained I lost trust in her. She also explained she had changed a lot over the last year, and I simply didn’t know cause I ignored her so often. So now we’re in the process of trying to reconcile, and see if we still are friends (or capable of being friends), or if we grew into different directions- instead of cutting each other out of our lives.

[@tonyshine89]

My biggest and hardest emotional labor by your definition is staying calm and collected when my children have rough emotional episodes. It is very important for their corregulation and growing emotionally healthy though, so hopefully every parents puts the effort 😊 On the parent side it is also extremely beneficial, you practice a very specific way of self control and even I would say delayed gratification in a way, you feel achieved and through this process, the long term trend is that you actually get calmer and less bothered by others ppl emotional situations.

[@Gysklar]

This is something that has been weighing on my mind for quite some time now, so I appreciate you making this video (well done as usual, btw). This more "progressive" adaptation of the neoliberal, individualistic mindset has permeated every corner of the internet it seems, even a lot of the more lefty groups I've tried to be be a part of. There's a staggering amount of cognitive dissonance happening when people are calling for more community, empathy, and support while near simultaneously repeating phrases like "you don't owe anyone anything" and other similar idioms. I'm naturally a very solitary person, but still need social connections and I have a lot of difficulty with relationships and engaging socially, and most of my efforts to build a supportive network or a community that works for me "irl" have not worked out well, so unfortunately the internet is where I turn to find that. So it's quite disheartening when I join a group of what seems to be like-minded people and my questions to engage in conversation and connect with the others are just met with a google link or the "I won't do the labor of educating you" type line. As a people pleaser myself, I completely understand the need to protect yourself from emotional exploitation and the like but this shit is so confusing and frustrating. Thanks again for the vid, Alice!

[@CommunistELM]

Great video. I am also quite introverted but am like you, not good in crowds, but fantastic in individual conversations. I struggle with isolation as well. But I often travel alone and talk to many strangers and it opened up my world in a way I didn’t expect. Thank you so much!

[@demyrg9887]

"..other people made me" is the first step of awareness on the way to overcoming the alienation of oneself and others. We are individual in so far as we can choose from the whole variety of what we have learned. But in order for us to understand this and for us to be understood by others, our individual needs to be made from what has already been understood by others before. This is how social consciousness is formed.

[@faffrin5216]

I recently learned the importance of balancing self care with self discipline, and self compassion with self protection. Yin and Yang.

[@BB-te8tc]

It's difficult for some of us anxious types to speak up and say "I cannot perform emotional labour right now" when someone is just unloading on us venting constantly (out of fear of a very negative reaction from the person talking at us), so we get labeled 'really good listeners' even though at some point we're just looking for an excuse to end the conversation and find somewhere silent.

[@lizzydeluca]

Thank you so much for this video and these are all themes I have been thinking so much about and could prob talk to u about this for hours lol. I often look at thinks from an anthropological (?) standpoint I guess you could say and want to add that we, as humans, are built for connection! We are pack animals and very social creatures and no matter how introverted one may be, we do require eachother. I often think about how bad alienation has gotten (like how Marx envisioned x1000) and my personal theory is that it is the root of sosoooo many issues in society today. I always remind myself that whatever you are struggling with today, humans have done for thousands of years together. About the emotional labur thing, OMG THIS. We should talk about this more. We, as kids, are taught to sit still, not to let our energy move through our body (because that is what emotions are, energy in motion). In order to feel our emotions, we have to release them from our body (crying, stomping, breathing, etc) or else they literally get stuck inside us. With that being said, we aren't even taught how to name or feel our emotions and we mostly just suppress them so we don't feel we are burdening others. Women get the worst of it, as usual, and we often are taught to manage other's emotions over our own, leading to many devastating mental and physical effects. Ok now I am thinking I should make a video essay about this because I have so many thoughts. Thanks so much, loved your perspective :))) Also if anyone has questions or thoughts on this, pls respond, I am happy to back up sources or provide more info.

[@fernandakuster4640]

Amazing video! I've been thinking about how some "motivation videos" suggest things like: "disappear for 6 months and come back your best self and no one will recognize you" and while I understand the merits of removing some distraction or influences in some cases, how is isolating myself supposed to help at all? That would only work if the person's definition of better is completely self-centered.

[@richatdastkey3555]

I appreciate this sentiment bc I've met way too many people who start from cagey and combative thinking they don't need to hear what anybody else has to say when it is togetherness, not individualism that helps us grow and feel things as people. Speaking from me exp living all my life in northeast United States

[@saulemaroussault6343]

I think about what we owe people a lot lately, and this adds a precious other angle I hadn’t considered. Thank you !

[@ghostlightning]

It goes back to the social contract: What DO we owe each other? Can I really deny any and all responsibility? Or is this responsibility contingent to any power or privilege I happen to have relative to the other (other people)? Is it also fair to impose absolute responsibility for other people by taking on owing everyone everything?

[@M33PSTER]

I haven’t finished the video yet but when you said, “What do we owe each other?” my immediate thought was “compassion”. I think it’s in short supply in our society right now because we live in an increasingly self-centered world with social media and so many algorithms designed to show us only what we want to see. It disappointing how normalized it is for people to think the only feelings and thoughts that matter are their own. I think there are very few things that are objectively wrong or right and most things exist in a shade of grey; everyone’s thoughts and feelings are directly influenced by their own experiences and belief systems. I think if we all took some time to prioritize having those uncomfortable conversations and bridging those gaps, the world would be so much better for it.

[@VLAD.....]

I didn't realize ive been falling into this productivity trap. Thank you for this video

[@polanve]

I worked in a food program. A lot of what we did was increasingly automated. The question came up will we all be replaced with kiosks. However every day I was providing emotional labor supporting poor parents helping them feel competent in their ability to be good caregivers for their children. So I think as things become increasingly automated we need to remember the value of emotional labor which is worthwhile work we do to support each other.

[@christianspanggaard]

Again, congratulations on your new book 🎉

[@LiP-gh6rr]

Congratulations on the book launch!

[@benday1218]

This is very good. I think boundaries matter so much. All my life I have been poor at boundary setting, it appears to be a skill I cannot acquire. So in the end, I have decided to withdraw my emotional labour from everyone apart from my wife and child. I know this is 'sub-optimal' and leads to a lesser life in search of some mythical peace as you say, but it's become my way to cope.

[@nobodyveryimportant]

"Each of us is responsible for everything and to every human being" is really getting at this. (Sorry I can't remember if that quote is from Brothers Karamazov or Crime and Punishment)

[@Daria-i2t]

I think some sort of a distintion must be made between emotional labour at work and applying the same terms to intrapersonal relationship. At work, emotional labour is a clear-cut case of "hidden" work duties, just like wearing a uniform or being available on working hours, and acknowledging its presence means we can take additional steps towards proper financial compensation. There are also certain psyhological issues some people face when communicating with others: from having troubles to say no to being deeply depressed. At the first glance, it seems like those people would benefit from some healthy boundaries. But even in those cases, an argument can be made that boundaries is a too simple a concept to hold any significant weight. People struggling with depression need much more than boundaries. I myself have struggled with people-pleasing for many years. What helped me wasn't popular psyhology, but finding courage to express my anger, voice my concerns and having people around me who are willing to listen. After putting both emotional labour and a need for psyhological intervention aside, we arrive at the issue you are adressing. There is a certain escapist flavour to it. It's almost like self-care culture doesn't allow for any negativity. So, each time we are faced with something that hurts us, there is this idea that we should move away, as if it somehow 'taints us' or 'sucks our energy.'". It leads us towards self-alienation. Take, for example, how we treat death. So many people feel like they cannot engage with "sad" stories. I had a friend who said she was actively avoiding some bad news about our mutual friend, because it made her sad. No shit, death is very sad. I undestand informational hygniene (no doomscrolling, etc.), but this goes beyond that. It really feel like there is no place for death, untill it comes, and because the bed was not made, death swallows everything whole. I remember reading a book called "Negative Psychoanalysis for the Living Dead" by Julie Reshe. It's an alternative to positive psychology. I found it a bit too grim for my liking, but my view on the "sad" stories has shifted. Actually, we should be allowed to say that life is not all sunshine and roses. Often there is no escape from that. But love is real, I don't mean romantic love, I mean "love" as in human connection. What always help me during the dark days is the thought that people all over the world is facing something similar to my grief, my anguish. It's not "trauma dumping", it's being human. Actually, now I feel like this all should somehow be tied to the ideas of reparational interpretation, opposing the hermeneutics of paranoia. Other people's emotions are not there to get you. Love is not entrapment. And so on. Anyway, sorry for the long comment and thank you for your video!

[@transagenda]

Great video! Emotional labor well spent

[@QuestionsIAskMyself]

This is one of my favorites videos from you, I want you to know that your work, sharing your personal experiences and feelings help make me feel less alone

[@heartpunkk]

Given how much you said "What We Owe Each Other" I was *sure* you are about to reference the book of the same name!

[@marcelcjr9313]

Another Common Alice W like always.

[@suzannabrandt219]

this really reminds me of growing up baptist christian when my father would push the mentality that you won't be happy unless you're being selfless/doing things or caring for others - jesus style. i feel like that was such a special element of his belief system and after listening to this i appreciate it way more. i still think there should be a balance and wrecking yourself to be there for anyone and everyone isn't sustainable but i'm glad i learned that.

[@matsukinakamura696]

I agree with the main thesis. It is absurd to shut oneself off. I think the right balance is to introspect enough to know where your beliefs lie (broadly) but then interact with people with deliberate interest to error correct. This way one also avoids being gullible, especially to loud people like hustlers and PUA type people (something which once led to really really stupid mindset).

[@swchwrm020]

I'm often annoyed when people speak about emotional labour as something purely negative. I'm a teacher, it's basically half my job, and I love it. You're absolutely right that we owe eachother everything - individualist neoliberal self-care is pure ideology!

[@EatWearTravel]

It's very interesting how people (or ourselves) interact w people that we don't know in a journey context. That's something that i always think of. Great video! ❤

[@LaLunaAngel]

Thanks for the video and your point of view. It's good to see the other side of the spectrum being represented than in the majority of the media. Still I have to point out some things to still consider when saying that "we owe people everything" and that ghosting and "protecting your peace" is bad. I understand your intention when phrasing it like that and also your reasoning behind it - but from my own experiences I would never ever sign that statements. I agree: self-isolation and lack of human decently and respect towards other people are by definition rather negative. Still, I think they can, to some extent, be important tools during certain phases in life where you have to evolve. Examples I have in mind are mainly connected to lack of self-esteem and -appreciation, as well as codependency and people pleasing. I think it is important to learn to be independent and to only rely on yourself because many people turn out to be unreliable and untrustworthy, so inevitably you have to develop some kind of defense mechanism in order to survive and ideally live a good life. Of course those defense mechanism shouldn't be "toxic" - means, they shouldn't cross certain boundaries that harm others and by that also oneself. Still, I think it is valid to be selective when it comes to choosing whom you want to give your time and energy to. You don't owe everyone everything and you don't owe anyone anything either. You owe to the people that you care about - and you should ideally, as an emotionally mature person, care about everyone at least as much to be wishing to do them initially good and certainly not anything bad; and also to show them a deserved amount of respect as a human and autonomous person. I could go on with personal experiences and example on the topic "do I owe my parents" or "do I owe people who don't meet my needs". But to make it short: you owe them as much as it takes to live peacefully and without regret of your decision.

[@_void8982]

Your conclusion makes me think of Bertrand Russell's sausage machine in The Conquest of Happiness. His analogy is the idea that a sausage machine that stops working to reflect on itself will eventually rust and become unusable unlike the machine that will continue to make sausage. The one that does it work continues to move and get maintained so it is able to function properly. Here the sausage is a metaphor for vivacity. To be alive. And the meat for the sausage comes from everything around us: nature, our home, the experience of others, art, etc. I think it links to what you said in the way that talking to people around us, not just friends but also strangers is a good way to get "meat". To be able to discover one self and preserve our emotional self does not lie in complete stillness I believe. But in learning how to deal with our own emotions and learning when to do emotional labor, and when not to but still talk to someone.

[@anoukk_]

As someone with autism this is the main contributing factor in what makes it hard for those with autism to effectively participate in society. It is less natural and much more work for us to put on a mask.

[@Greenrivers14]

Great channel, always dropping those truth bombs.

[@andreimircea2254]

This was a good video. I like your perspective on personal growth. Because I know growth requires discomfort, but I also know that I don’t want too much of it. This video helped me feel more ok with the idea of discomfort for the sake of personal growth. Thank you.

[@aellaaskew4263]

I've always lived by the notion of meeting the people who will become a part of who I am, to embrace my scars like fishmans knots- tales of the seas adventures to be shared not blights upon your landscape.

[@soja8044]

I would love to see a more detailled video about how emotional labor/masking is also expected from some group of people, or even a basic survival skill (hello my lovely autistic people) when other can just go with being the most selfish unhinged individuals. Like how women not doing the emotional job will be labeled hysterical but a man will just be a man, how a black person will be labbeled dangerous or crazy and a white person will not, how NA people will be shown as being weird and creepy or crazy when they don't mask. Works with class too, the ability to avoid any introsepction or overdoing it is a class privilege imo. Some have the time and ressources to do the job, but if they don't and are just assholes nobody will really do anything about it.

[@MidrinaTheSerene]

I was thinking the same. It is always expected from some groups to do and freely give their emotional labour as the default, because those groups are (still) seen as less valuable in this society. As an autistic person (hello back, you're lovely too!) I have to do the default emotional labour always, because otherwise I would be even more othered. There is no 'I will not do emotional labour today' for me. And still people can act like it is not enough, like I am still not doing enough. The other side of the coin is people who feel owed the emotional labour of others so they don't have to do it themselves, and I think for people in those groups who are always expected to owe the emotional labours for the privileged it is very valid to say 'not today'. It should be okay to say 'hey, what you do hurts me and my people, I have explained this to 100 people over the last week already, could you please educate yourself on this because I can't anymore?'

[@asteroid_ww2194]

this video is quite reflecting my recent life, and I can learn some things from it. Thanks a lot. I am just in the process of breaking up with one of my friends for the reason of pursuing my highest self-interest and that makes me feel like a cold person.

[@hugochavez8797]

it is true that nobody owns anything to anybody, but people still expect other people to help them when they are in need but nobody wants to do it because it is emotional labour.

[@k-onlegacy]

3:28 as an autistic child, I completely understand employing emotional labour or enduring masking

[@briemme]

I'm so sorry about your grandmother, Alice ❤

[@brianarbenz7206]

Very meaningful to me. I recently retired from decades of doing service sector work and though I knew there had been much weight placed on me by all the mood requirements, I had never seen it explained as emotional labor. Of course, for the moment, I'm past that.

[@brentblackburn976]

Came here expecting the opposite thesis. Thank you for recognizing the commodification and professionalization of emotional labor and friendship and the associated dissociation from emotion as an alarming and harmful trend.

[@TheNinToaster]

Great Video! I wish you had gone more in depth about the emotional labour that often goes into recovering and managing mental illness, specially the severe kind, and neurodivergency. I have pretty bad bpd and a great chunk of my life has become a constant battle on "how much feeling is appropriate". When I do it tone it down? When am I allowed to have extreme rage? When your emotions are pretty dis-regulated, enough to put you or others in genuine harm, where do you draw the line? This question has haunted me greatly, because I never know if the situation requires me to emotionally shut down completely, to think 50000x steps ahead, to take like a minute to sort out what im feeling, or what the situation sometimes requires me to feel. It specially becomes difficult when other people think that in itself, is too much labour for them, and sometimes it can be, to simply even interact with me sometimes. It's so hard to tell when you become too much when other people refuse to explain themselves

[@fbxn]

I bet most of the times you become too much, like too desperate or too angry, it s because people around you, or society, or wars, etc, are too cruel or too ignorant or ill with (in Leon Tolstoy's words) the "pandemic mental illness" of considering capitalism, alienation, massive killings, homelessness, minimal discomfort avoidance in friendships etc as normal everyday things. ❤

[@laceyjo89]

great vid. it makes me think about how the thought of "protecting your peace" philosophy has led to the destruction of our "villages'. like "it takes a village" to do certain things, like raise a child, and now people are burnt out trying to do it alone, as we don't learn and help each other as we did before.

[@Younglink225tpb]

The part about ghosting was very true and I'm glad someone finally said something about it! Keep up the great vids!

[@Sistanne]

Congratulations to your book, Alice!! - I also appreciate your view on emotional labour, and, as I understood it, we kinda Do owe each other something and perhaps should reflect on our sense of peace before compromising others… Wish you a Merry Christmas, and a happy New Year🎄❤️👋

[@johndoeusa65]

Your hair looks so pretty

[@copiouscat]

Ahhh Alice has posted… my how my heart is toasted

[@raduungureanu2080]

It is already done. And I also ordered the book. Thanks for all your wonderful videos. They are so true and so inspiring.

[@tzgaming207]

Here's a spin on this. I'm 54 years old, & have been doing technical support for over 30 years. I'm also ADHD, but was only diagnosed just a little over a year ago. So my entire life was emotional labor on 2 fronts-- the constant customer service eat-sh*t-&-smile, no matter how rude, ignorant, belligerent the person you're supporting is being, & then on top of that, that I had learned that I needed conceal my "off-kilter-ness", if you will, because I had literally been told by numerous people over the years that I was "weird", which was basically their perceiving my undiagnosed/untreated ADHD. I wasn't aware of exactly why I was different, but the world made sure I knew that I was. Even at home, living with my family, I had to stay masked (very unhealthy home life). The toll this took on my health came in the form of chronic migraine headaches, which jeopardized employment multiple times in my life, until finally I had to ask to be assessed for ADHD & got a diagnosis & treatment (they tell you you're not supposed to self diagnose, but if I hadn't to a degree, I wouldn't have known to ask for the assessment, & would still be suffering). Since I began treatment my migraines have disappeared nearly completely, but I still have to mask quite a bit. Luckily, I genuinely enjoy the company of the majority of the people I support now, so I don't have to put in quite the full effort I do for stranger.

[@seochr]

A drop of rain is as vast as the ocean. The key to knowing is in the journey/path/process.

[@uninternauta4663]

I don't know how but the people I met and have this "I don't owe anything to anyone" mindset are the worst kind of human beings, they make me like the ones that are openly shitty people because"authenticity" Also that "broke people shouldn't have sex" post is wild, and hilarious

[@Лина-ц6ф]

thank you for the video! rn i'm preparing for conducting a research on mindfulness culture and its affects on young population and your video was a good reminder to actually start collecting needed literature for my supervisor, ahaha

[@LunaWitcherArt]

I never minded being polite to customers. I was being paid to be polite and make their stay at the restaurant calm and accomodating. I minded when my boss lashed out at me for complaining about something one day. I don't like the whole song and dance of "you can't act mad around your boss, you have to always be grateful for having a job" cuz that leaves us no leverage to negotiate when things are ACTUALLY infuriating.

[@fyzxnerd]

I was introduced to this concept in discussions of racism in America, and while I see and appreciate your points I struggle with stepping away from people who ask me to explain why something is racist or why it is based in racist dogma. I've used rhetoric like this to remove myself from problematic conversations that over extend my courtesy for someone who is trying to "learn to be better." Not everyone is willing to learn about themselves through shared experience, some, sadly many, use that shared experience to justify themselves being shitty.

[@roxyamused]

I find the spiritual bypassing to be the thing I'm most familiar with and am very annoyed by. I practice buddhism, and the teachings do not say to avoid pain. We were talking about chronic pain today, and the practice is to accept the pain and use it as an object of meditation. Generally I think when people talk about emotional labor like the meme, it's the emotional labor of minorities who can often be expected to educate the people who wish to or unknowingly oppress them. Like for me as a trans woman having to explain why trans rights are needed to an ignorant cis person, or a black American expected to educate a white person about systemic racism. Which is very valid, but I'm biased. It's just when people use that excuse as a sort of stolen valor as they are not that minority, and even have the privilege to help educate. I think there's a give and take, like I can try to educate on some systemic issue that doesn't directly impact me, while someone else can educate someone else on what directly impacts me... Also, I live on the west coast of the US and passive aggression and conflict avoidance in wildly unhealthy ways is a sport here. I had a supposed friend that I guess had some issue with me ten years ago that I didn't know about, and they just harbored resentment at me and did passive aggressive shit that I didn't realize until much later. People avoid the emotional labor of an uncomfortable conversation to the point of having more emotional labor. I don't always understand social stuff on account of the autism, so this culture here has always been a struggle.

[@Suboptimalconditions]

I appreciate everything you post so much and I look forward to reading your book. Thank you for all the information and wisdom you share here.

[@dapu571]

i loved this video. this is it, community! thanks for the perspective.

[@pendragon2012]

Great news about the book, Alice! I will definitely pick up a copy--look forward to it! Sorry about your grandmother. Stay well!