THE MACHINE!!! | Bert Kreischer Reaction

[@valkyrie283]

Machine So apparently, some of his former classmates came out after this show and confirmed that the story is, in fact, real 🤣🤣

[@TimedRevolver]

Yep. Also, pictures of his trip to Russia popped up too.

[@Gunsblazin94]

It's not 100% true. Stuff was embellished, for the sake of the story. Apparently, Bert did actually participate in class, and didn't get a free ride, for example. However, stuff like getting buddy-buddy with the banditi, and robbing his class were confirmed true.

[@Fraxxxi]

@@Gunsblazin94 also the fanny pack

[@valkyrie283]

@@Gunsblazin94 Thanks for the clarifications! I didn’t know those details ☺️

[@Azrael178]

​@@Gunsblazin94 That's still above average for such stories

[@JTR_14]

If you’re curious about why he’s shirtless, Bert gets self-conscious about people seeing his sweat stains when he performs. So he decided to take off his shirt early in his standup career and the crowd loved it. From that point on, he just performs shirtless.

[@LuxLoser]

Adapt. Overcome.

[@TheKeller101]

Modern Problems require Modern Solution

[@Jalbesbe]

It is so ironic that he is more self-conscious about sweat stains than being fully shirtless on stage

[@bytoadynolastname6149]

I figured he was just told to imagine the crowd naked, as one does to 'help' with stage fright, but in Russian and now he's standing there shirtless.

[@mchawk315]

Fun fact, Bert is the person the movie Van Wilder was based on.

[@ethanmorgan7823]

YESSIR

[@nathanclarke2777]

That is the proto Deadpool movie for me! To me it is canon that that was actually Wade in college!

[@GhostWatcher2024]

"The thing about "machine" and what he MEANT to say.... even after forgetting his line... Machine = "machina" /mah-shee-nah/ Man = "muzhchina" /moo-shee-nah/ He probably didn't even realize at the time that he WASNT declaring, "I'm the man!" Headline: Florida man out-drinks Russian Mafia.

[@roonkaz2508]

Machine. *sighs* guess i’m a rat now

[@smartboy201]

Readers in Russia: "WHAT!?" Readers in Florida: "Wow, they'll just... report anything, huh? Whatever, where's today's gator attacks?"

[@GhostWatcher2024]

​@smartboy201 maybe its an only in ohio thing, who knows.

[@SyxxPunk]

The Machine and First Period are done of my favourite Kreishner jokes. Also, his classmates brought PHOTO EVIDENCE of the Russian gangsters WITH BERT. They basically said "this is mostly true, with a few things added for comedy"

[@Xynth25]

My favorite part of the story that isn't in the joke is when he went to a strip club but the dancers all stank...years later he goes to an Indian place with his family and was like "Why does it smell like Russian hookers?" Realized they'd all eaten curry that night years ago.

[@themandomerc652]

Dont forget the Amsterdam story 😂

[@elischultes6587]

I think Korean school story is under appreciated

[@wikidclownchris]

@@themandomerc652 flying dildos

[@GhostWatcher2024]

Omg i forgot about the Period Party story.

[@hawkthorn33]

This bit helped launch his carer. I think it was first posted on a pod cast, but one poster added "I was there, and this was all true." is what made it viral.

[@JTR_14]

He told these stories on the Joe Rogan Podcast.

[@helloScuffed]

The funniest thing about this is that “machine” sounds like “машина” which means car in Russian. Bert Kreischer called himself a “car,” which amused the Russians cause they took him for being mentally deficient.

[@Skullkaiser]

@helloScuffed Or he could be saying He's the Man because of how close man and car/machine are. (Sorry I don't know the proper Cyrillic so I'll use the Romanicised spelling) Mushina is man, Mashina for car/machine.

[@Loalskii]

It could be that some jacked (buffed) or strong guys would be called machine as well, so school kid obviously not russian saying that would be indeed be funny regardless

[@petre1758]

Я думаю он пытался сказать что он мужчина

[@your_future_husband_777]

I'm sorry but whenever I hear the word machine, my mind immediately goes to Gabriel Ultrakill. "MACHINE! I HAVE TAKEN A SELFIE WITH THE FUNNY ROCK!"

[@koolfoxfox]

This story got turned into a whole movie called The Machine

[@TheGemHead]

I actually watched that movie in theaters. I thought it was okay.

[@bigswordlittleman3770]

​@@TheGemHead I forgot about that thanks for reminding me!😊

[@Laxhoop]

Luckily for it, it came out before the war in Ukraine.

[@ethanmorgan7823]

His college days were also the loose basis for Van Wilder

[@jessea4438]

I watched it, and I honestly thought it was ass. There was a good movie in there with the flashbacks to the incident described in his story, but unfortunately, the movie isn't about that. The actual plot of the movie is so fucking stupid. Basically, he stole a pocket watch from someone during the train theft, and that man ended up becoming a mob boss. The mob boss sends his daughter to bring Bert back to Russia so he can find the watch, and the rest of the movie is just him retracing his steps until he can find where he hid the watch, and stupid shit happens along the way.

[@excaliburknives3572]

I know Burt has a pretty poor reputation, but I really like this joke.

[@boxlflox9094]

This was before he became a sad drunk. l

[@grimmashley8422]

A poor reputation? How so?

[@excaliburknives3572]

@@grimmashley8422 he’s generally considered to be unfunny.

[@mena10ss]

​@@boxlflox9094Newsflash: This whole story is about him bein a sad drunk since college. He just unfortunately tries a bit too hard to be funny. Some of his other stuff is good, but mostly just eh.

[@caaneq1]

@@excaliburknives3572 i always felt that was a bit disingenuous... i think he's insufferable personally on podcasts 90% of the time, but i've definitely enjoyed all of his comedy specials. I think people see him in podcast space and are like 'this fuckin guy' and automatically assume his comedy is bad.

[@CinJyxxe]

The best part about this story is that it's barely even exaggerated for comedic effect. Bert just had the craziest experiences in college, to the point where he literally had a movie made about it (The Machine) and it inspired another series altogether (Van Wilder).

[@Duke00x]

The story has been confirmed through pictures and ex classmates from the trip to be like 90% true. Also the movie Van Wilder is loosely based on his time at college (Van Wilder being loosely based on him). He diesnt wear a shirt because he sweats and he found he was more self-conscious about sweat showing on his shirt during his act then he was doing his act shirtless. And so he dies his act shirtless.

[@CruxusAshbourne]

Fun fact. It's an older custom but if you bring someone an unopened bottle of vodka and invite them drink it with you; you go shot for shot with them till the bottle is empty, it's said you'll be friends for life. Same time it's a bad omen if you throw up that you can't be trusted and if you black out then you won't be friends forever. Bert going shot for shot with them all night long that first night, that's why they became friends. Everything that followed was all him hanging out with his new friends.

[@Grimbear13]

The story of Van Wilder is actually based on Berts college career lol

[@njboncales4459]

They made a movie based on this stand up a few years ago. Machine.

[@lanmandragoran8337]

They made a movie loosely based on his college life a few more years ago. Van Wilder. Its obviously exaggerated, but not nearly as much as it should be.

[@holstjimmy1]

I like the movie.

[@dakotacarmel4640]

It on Netflix, worth it!!

[@DarkComputerGirl]

Bert Kreischer is HYSTERICAL You should see the one called "Period Party"

[@OMGtheykilledKenny42]

And Flying D1ld0s!

[@Alucardcrimsonunicorn]

I believe Burt has said the craziest and scariest part of the trip, was partying with the police because they did some crazy stuff and because they were police, no one was going to arrest them

[@Honyakusha]

Bert was a legend in his collage days for every wrong reasons 😂 He was one of the hardest party beast in his generation and apparently well-known and quite famous in not only Florida but also near states. Heck, I think there is even a movie based on him (cant remember the name) For this particular story, it was a tad bit modified here and there for story sake, but there are pictures and witnesses that confirms most of it. The guy is legend.

[@normiesalvador1854]

I remember YT recommending this to me years ago. Clicked on it and I was engrossed in the legend that was the MACHINE.

[@v_vmat]

The MACHINE is definitely my favorite stand up comedy sketch

[@KumaChrisVT]

He made a actual movie about this story, its amazing.

[@sniperboom1202]

Solid movie, has Mark Hamel as his dad. 6.5/10, would watch with friends drunk.

[@Hieronymus82]

I see Bert Kreischer, I click. MACHINE!

[@bigyeticane]

LMAO, dude, Alicia... "C's get degrees" is verbatim what my mother told me when I asked her how she dealt with getting through a lot of the stress of nursing school while still working a full time job.

[@lenny_has_arived6679]

Yeah the MACHINE is a real funny story. I know literally nothing else about this dude other than this story

[@Broomer52]

It’s the only but I’ve ever seen from him but good lord is it a good bit

[@DefaultName-du3kr]

It's his only famous bit. The only other thing I know him for is being Tom Seguras friends.

[@CMDRZero01]

This and his daughter's period party, hilarious

[@valashar5313]

Bert recently released a film that is a comedic 'sequel' to this story called 'The Machine' co-staring Mark Hamill as Bert's father. I've only seen trailers but apparently it's about Bert having to go BACK to Russia as an adult to deal with consequences of his Russian Mafia exploits. Hilarity ensues.

[@Dreveryn]

Need to understand, Bert literally got famous for partying harder than anyone else. There's a Rolling Stone article from 1997 called "Bert Kreischer: The Undergraduate," which is the direct inspiration for Ryan Reynolds in Van Wilder.

[@deadbeat6232]

I'm a big fan of your uploads and have been enjoying Bert's comedy for years. ...and this is the best reaction to The Machine bit I've ever seen.

[@beakybuzzardnononono2939]

I met the guy once at a Costco. I talked to him for a quick second, and it was enough to see how much of a humble dude he is.

[@XanderTheGreat345]

I AM THE MACHINE!!!! One of the best comedy skits in existence, alongside Robin Williams' skit on Viagra. XD

[@crimsonknight7011]

He later said he was more scared with the Russian police than the mafia. He said the police did things far crazier than the mafia did because they knew nobody would stop them since they are the police.

[@Kenosos]

I've even heard from russians that they had heard stories about the machine like it's a fucking urban legend

[@oldeskul]

Burt's machine story is hilarious. You'll find his flying dildos story, and his story about the time he went to the Anne Frank House(I think they're the same story, but I might be remembering wrong) hilarious.

[@michaelcoffey1991]

@Alicia his flying dildo story is killer too as his bear story... also Id recommend Richard by Pryor on Italian mob boss story, anything by Pryor, or Carlin, Fluffy goes to Saudi Arabia, and Robin Williams. Glad you liked this bit :)

[@brianl8481]

7 years for an undergrad makes more sense when you realize he was the #1 partier at #1 party school in the nation.

[@Langenschwerte]

Singing in a Cookie Monster voice "C is for credit, that's good enough for me!"

[@thatguythere6161]

"he got involved with the Russian mafia?" "Why is he shirtless" Two equally important questions

[@jlaw131985]

The person I heard “C’s get degrees” from had taught Sergei Brin, one of the founders of Google. She was a great professor. My college experience was wild for having a bunch of stories about tech billionaires.

[@cl1cka]

The funny thing is - this story is actually true, collaborated by former classmates. The one thing Bert said though was that he wasn't scared of the gangsters, but was scared from the police in his time with them. Cause they were acting like gangsters but with authority of the law, so you can't even complain or search for protection....

[@ragnar97]

I don't know why but the "Oh honey, sweety, baby" in that tone made me laugh so hard I almost choked lol Edit: Side note, there's a rare clip about what happened the next night partying with the cops but it's not easy to find. I think it's an old Joe Rogan experience clip, I remember it was low video quality

[@DemonicSkaith]

Hey. I've done a year of French, 2 years of Spanish, and 2 years of German. I remember very little French or Spanish and I'll be able to get drunk in German. That's about it though. Also took a local Japanese class but didn't retain most of that. Its easy to study a language and not retain it.

[@samwallaceart288]

This man is the IRL example of what 7 Intelligence | 18 Charisma looks like. Man nat20'd that shit

[@stephanginther9051]

MACHINE Alicia! Just so you know, this got so popular, they made a movie. It's set nowish and is basically a story about this all coming back. I haven't seen it, so I can't say how good it is, but it exists.

[@In-The-Zone]

"He got involved with the Russian Mob? Why is he shirtless?" Have you ever considered that those questions answer each other?

[@RollingPapers007]

His time with the cops was apparently more terrifying than the rest of it. He’s talked about this without all of the fluff for the comedy and he said that he was genuinely scared while he was with them 😂

[@havtheroc]

Bert is the guy you find side-splitting hilarious at 16, relatable at 26, and depressing at 36. This story will never not be funny, though I really do hope he can get over his drinking problem. You can only go with one bit for so long.

[@Degalon]

the main thing is you, the viewer, grew up in those years, while Bert never did, he's stayed the same overpartying frat boy he's always been.

[@Agamotto57]

The MACHINE!!! Man this guy is hilarious. I love the Secret time special

[@NaraBoy89]

To be fair, Russia is basically the Florida of Europe. He fit right in

[@LVAlpha609]

MACHINE:

[@Zer0_._]

8:28 "Its like a movie!" Haha..... funny story that. The Machine story has been made into a movie, starring Bert himself. It's actually pretty good, ngl.

[@tycol322]

And mark Hamill. Also not directly related to the machine story but he's also the inspiration for van wder

[@rockorock999]

Damn it, you beat me to it

[@InquisitorCyTh]

Love this one from Bert. Though as a native (kinda) russian speaker, first thing I can call is that ''Work with cats'' does LITERALLY mean ''works with cats'', like on construction site. Secondly, ''Banditi'' means more like ''Gangster'' instead of Mafia. There's a big difference but it's more about specification. Thirdly, 90s was still a time when USSR just fell apart and foreigners were kind of a pleasant suprise for anyone in former USSR, especially americans were mildly amusing to people. But when american knew some words in russian? OH BOI, that's the next level of fun. 4th, Slavs are quite quick on the insults that any westerner may consider as something worth calling police to, but here's the thing: Police can sometimes be not much better of an option. 5th, You actually have no idea about the despise that is present within Eastern Europe towards americans (doesn't matter if you're from US or Canada). It's kinda better now, but it is still present (even if we don't consider current events) Edit: Lastly, YES, it was THAT bad in former USSR during 90's. It was like the stereotypical Brooklyn. And that mindset still lingers within the people, BUT! I can't speak for every nation, but if you ever visit Ukraine (obviously if it survives the russian ''love'') you'll meet a ton of very friendly people, and if you put your time into learining a basic ''thank you'' in ukrainian, you'll melt most of those people.

[@stevencavanagh7990]

I think you would enjoy the British comedian Al Murrys Name a country we HAVE defeated them in War.

[@stylishjack6416]

Machine "Tails of Iron" Rat RPG YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO

[@Volandar]

I actually got to go to one of his comedy shows irl. He did talk about that event. And I'm going to be real with you, him yelling "I'M THE MACHINE!!!" is so much cooler when you are actually in the crowd.

[@stanisawzokiewski3308]

The word for "man" and "machine" are similar in Russian. My guess is that probably since one of the first things you learn when learning a language are things like "my name is...", "im from", "im a man/woman". My guess is his brain shortcuircuted with a "im a man" and he prenouced it more like machine.

[@jasongarcia1886]

There's a movie about this story with Mark Hamil aka Luke Skywalker playing as his father it's pretty funny you should check it out

[@undeadnovaking0685]

I love the machine skit, it's just a great story

[@piotrjeske4599]

Machine in Russian has MANY meanings. Russian jew family from Odessa , and in the 90s mostly jewish mob in Odessa can get you far.

[@Hallreaver]

THE MACHINE 😂

[@TrentRushton]

Thanks so much for this one, check out Stephen Lynch, a comedy musician and a song he did called Ugly Baby, oh and " Machine".

[@burningnyte]

6:01 aliciaxdiddy out here

[@attackinglizard3429]

THE MACHINE!!!!!!!

[@AdmiralHawkes64]

He's got an action comedy movie called "The Machine". It's reaaly funny

[@jasonrocheleau]

Machine Bert is the inspiration for van wilder, i saw it in an interview he did.

[@ArchDuke_Romellenios_Lanz]

Машина Я машина (Ya Mashina [Machine]) Is what he said I've also heard. He's apparently a legend in Russia.

[@rasmusn.e.m1064]

This has to be at least partially true. I don't know why he didn't mention it in the routine, but the word for machine and the word for man are very similar in Russian. Muhsheena (machine/car) vs Mushyeena (man), and that's exactly the kind of mistake an English speaker would make. Also, his Russian is way better than he lets on. You can tell that he studied it. Sorry if someone else also mentioned it.

[@Ze_N00B]

BRAD UPTON! BRAD UPTON! *comedy machine* BRAD UPTON!

[@alexunesell108]

Machine This is my first time hearing this comedian. He's hilarious.

[@lordcooch130]

He made a movie about this it’s pretty good

[@HunterSentinel]

20:04 I’ve had that happen a couple of times… but the worst is when I was sweaty for some reason and it felt like I was 5 seconds away from sliding off the entire time… that was not a fun night, least of all reasons because of the pounding headache I was already feeling.

[@MangaManiac]

He is shirtless because he is the MACHINE!! : D

[@SomeKindaHero117]

"C's get degrees." I wish someone told me that instead of telling me to get straight A's. I might've tried in school

[@FlashStatic]

I have NEVER clicked a video so fast

[@logandavis3595]

Brad Williams is a great comedian

[@butterlord-nq3ei]

BASED

[@JaxMerrick]

Especially since his shows are basically free on KZbin. Fun Size and Daddy Issues are chopped up on LolFlix, and Starfish is uncut on his page.

[@Andrew-fr1tp]

Check out Shane Gillis's comedy bits. Dude is also a machine

[@nikkel6793]

I LOVE THIS STORY, i took my wife to see bert this year. he made this into around an hour long story and it is so much better. also check out the movie. he got luke skywalker to be his dad. amazing

[@djmagichat1721]

4:16 A friend of mine took that a step further: A for Awesome B for Bitchin' C for Close enough D for Done F for FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF- Dude was a comedy machine like that.

[@javiervela2759]

MACHINE - for the intro The next time you watch comedians, check out Shane Gillies - ISIS and Girlfriend (Beautiful Dogs 2023)

[@keybladeduelist]

Man Alicia is pumping out these reactions like a machine

[@mppercussion]

I was kinda secretly hoping the secret word was gonna be Ernie

[@tglidesci]

the movie Van Wilder was "loosely" based on Bert's years at Florida State

[@josefsieffen18]

Machine! You will answer now... To the will Of GOD! For I am the righteous hand of the Father!

[@BeardedKaos]

Love that you are watching Bert, he is amazing. You should add Shayne Smith, his Dry Bar stand up is awesome. Also Cam Bertrand is great too!

[@BreakFatesChain]

Code Word: Machine If looking for some really funny comedians, I recommend John Pinette, Patton Oswald, and Jim Gaffigan

[@TheMoguera]

berts a mean machine

[@loganbloom6191]

There is literally a movie about his machine story and I have the DVD

[@kgarcia2356]

YESS!!! Alicia hitting my trifecta of most entertaining comedians: Fluffy, Jeff Dunham, and Bert Kreischer is a dream come true!!!

[@philsomeoneup6228]

i love peter kay (machine) hes so sweet

[@TiberiusHeck-kd9pu]

So many reactors are holding off on the 1 hour of Max0r lol. I’ll nom on this lovely video in the meantime 🍿

[@Righteous_Judas]

“Straws Boots Yeah” -Closed Captioning

[@zemoshade3049]

Machine! Yes! I was going to recommend this clip to you.

[@tonybippitykaye]

Machine Who would’ve thought joining a class you didn’t mean to would end up with you in Russia, joining the mafia out of a panic phrase, and being such a sensation that you’re referred to by almost every gangster you come across as The Machine?! That’s a legendary story right there

[@ShadowMeister42]

Oh you're in for a treat with this one. Regardless whether it's actually true or not it's a great fucking story. Oh machine for the gawds

[@crimsonknight7011]

He hosted such insane parties at his college that they put it into The Rolling Stones magazine. Also the movie Van Wilder with Ryan Reynolds is based off him

[@j-rod5930]

Machine-----A movie was released based on this story last year

[@jasongarcia1886]

Hey Alicia two other comedians you have to react to I guarantee you'll laugh and be a little shocked so please check out Joey Diaz ( Sister Hyacinth, Mom starts a fight, and Sleep's with a one legged woman) and check out Ralphie May ( politically incorrect, These are Glorious Times, and Cuba Diving)

[@VyceofMataMertha]

The MACHINE!!!

[@jacobwalker2848]

The movie Van Wilder is apparently a story The Machine's college life, so he was a professional student. Lol

[@g1rldraco7]

Machine. This would make a bad ass movie XDDD

[@scraftyme]

It’s funny you say that

[@GameWizard001]

RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE!!

[@hansethetooly5421]

they also have photos from this event and his classmates have verified this, they even made a movie sorta followup but a fictional comedy