THE PROBLEM WITH trying to understand what the narcissist is dealing with

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[@susanbenson3232]

As a 61 yr old, with health issues, I can't leave my 42 yr "marriage" to a narc. BUT, because of videos, like yours, I'm making life better for me. Yes, I had too much understanding, empathy, & grace for him, & 0 for me. I've learned boundaries, no longer expect empathy from him, & am learning to have empathy & grace for me! Thank you, for what you do! I was drowning. I'm working to stay out of survival mode & thrive.

[@susanmercurio1060]

Does your narc help you with your health issues? I would be very surprised if they did. It seems to me that they would be just another burden.

[@susanbenson3232]

@@susanmercurio1060 no, I don't think it's even a blip on his radar. I often need to remind him, I am not ok, or I'm exhausted, because I can't keep up with anything these days, & having complex PTSD, on top, doesn't help. I now have a couple of good friends, though, & they help me!

[@QX-xq5uj]

Age and health cannot be the only reasons. Maybe it would be helpful to see the videos about why trauma-bonding so strong ist to understand why you are still there with someone that does not really care about your feelings. Dr.Ramani has great insights about this topic and I hope that someday you can heal... but to really heal you have to be free from manipulation and devalidating behavior. I wish you strength and support from caring human beings❤🙏🏻

[@QX-xq5uj]

I got free with 65 years and I am soooo glad that it's almost 2 years since I went NO contact and survived his stalking and many Hoover intents...

[@hectorandujo4475]

Being 60 my wife discarded me but they usually come back but not this time ,been thru too much of her abusive narcissistic way of life

[@sushmayen]

To the narc: I will heal.... and you will always be a narcissist.

[@peacemakers6316]

live your best happy life !

[@lorianttila9698]

Amen!

[@Aminatadiary]

Yes you will

[@MM-gk5of]

The narc being their ‘narc self’ is their own karma.

[@justrosy5]

Exactly!

[@Ailieorz]

A narc will never 'return' a favour... they'll choose to do one for you, because it suits them, but they'll never owe you anything. You only ever owe them

[@youngblood8540]

A narcissist is the kind of friend, family member or spouse that if you risk your life to save them, they won't make the time you visit you in the hospital.

[@Lazycazy]

this is so accurate. I had this exactly experience.

[@clogs4956]

I’ve been walking wounded a few times, just avoiding hospitalisation, and been left to fend for myself. When my now ex had a minor operation and I offered him help, he refused, and I later found out he’d told people how I abandoned him to cope alone while I went out (but he didn’t add: to work). Heads they win; tails you lose.

[@zjjin]

(Personal experience with some ASPD family members.)...Or they would show up (empty-handed, with expensive flowers/gifts, or even soup) to "thank" you and: 1) make you play therapist for them, while blaming you; 2) turn you AND the healthcare staff into personal therapists, still blaming you (e.g. if you'd have done what they said, you wouldn't be injured/hospitalized in the first place); 3) out-compete you in everything, from vocal decibel & physical ailments to being "bullied" at work into working "overtime" because of tardies & other daily injustice/calamities like traffic jam in order to reach your bedside; 4) if they can't achieve #1, 2, or 3 for the limelight, they won't show up to visit you anymore and will be seething with internal rage for weeks, months, or years and get back at you later to trip you up in something else; and 5) they will never see it as you helping them or saving their lives. Instead, they'll use this as an opportunity to reconnect ties only to get more use out of you, including reminding you of what they have done for you...soo, let's celebrate life, love, family, friendship...while recruiting the medical staff, neighbors, acquaintances, relatives, and/or life-long family friends to corner or pressure you into "celebration." Therefore, it would actually be better if they DON'T show up to visit, hospitalized or otherwise. Personally, I would just let the assistance gesture be another "bill payment" toward the guilt-trip debt, which they WILL bring up later, and let them go.

[@wildhorses6817]

They won't take you to the hospital, you will die at home alone. They are out with whatever / whomever .

[@Enlighten9096]

Heading into one of the worst surgeries, I will head into so far I would never let my narc parent or any of her flying monkeys near the hospital. I have locked the hospital down. Thank you for writing that. All the best to you, my friend I stand here to fight with those of us who have a common cause - freedom. Truth. Integrity. Honor. Vulnerability. And true relationships. We all deserve it. I hope your journey wasn’t too difficult and thank you for sharing.

[@mrs100]

I gave my narcissist of over 30 years daily empathy showers! September 12, 2024 will mark 2 years of freedom ❤ Good bye waisted empathy.💃🏽

[@bellaluce7088]

The BEST kind of decluttering! 😄Congratulations!

[@David-mg3cc]

I've almost made the 2 year mark. It's been hard but the peace is nice.

[@midlifemom5829]

Everything is an "inconvenience " to my husband unless it pertains to his needs and wants.

[@joeythebushkangaroo1]

That was my father. If I asked for his help(maybe 2 times I can ever remember) I was a nuisance. I was 28yo, single mum. Left alcoholic husband when son was 7 months old. Just needed him to come & put a new car battery,that I bought, into my car. He said no, get one of your friends to do it. He loved 5 minutes away. The battery place asked me if I had someone to put it in & when the man serving me,heard what my dad said to me,he offered to come & do it after work. He was utterly horrified with my dads answer. I was not surprised at his lack of empathy & selfishness. If I was an unrelated "hottie" up the street,he would have even paid for the battery...

[@Janet1975]

😢I remember that with my ex-husband. Spending time with me and our daughter was always a “waste of his day off.”

[@IsraelXOX-gh9mr]

Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective [e-mail] for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.

[@youngblood8540]

The narcissist's bubble would say, "I really don't give a crap about anybody".

[@MM-gk5of]

It’s really their dark aura that’s showing.

[@nonawolf7495]

My elderly (and quite wealthy) mother recently demanded I leave my job, house, & husband to move across the country and be her live in servant. She has utterly no regard for how this would impact my finances and my marriage. Not a single "F" to be given.

[@weaviejeebies]

I hope you say no and that when she throws the drama, it rolls off you. That's completely unreasonable to ask. Have you ever heard stories of a family with a critically ill child where they have to tear their lives down and move far away, sacrificing everything to go to where the child's best hope lies? St. Jude's Children's Hospital has showed those kind of stories. And of course, these people are viewed as heroes, we understand that it actually wasn't that hard of a choice to make when their baby's life is on the line, and it makes us want to give them a medal or something, because it's such a once in a million, unusual, desperate gamble for hope. It's NOT something they just up and do like, tra la la, no big deal. Especially not for an elderly parent with enough money to arrange an in-home helper. But that's her expectation of you, that you make it into this epic show of desperate action to cherish the center of your life. Because nothing else will do for them but to be the crisis baby people will take a bullet for. They can't get enough. They also can't see how absurd and melodramatic it is, like they're living in a telenovela. Don't placate the crazy, and don't feel bad for a second.

[@valleygirl2530]

Uh Oh - sounds like she needs to control someone and you’re first in line. My mother was similar when she came into money.

[@MM-gk5of]

@nonawolf7495 my mom wanted the same from me. My golden child brother would not give up until he forced mom to move near me. She was in AZ, 1,000 mi away. He is 3,000 mi away living his best life. I’m having to go once or twice a day to the assisted living facility bc mom is miserable and grieving the loss of her home of 30+ yrs. I really despise my brother.

[@crystalclear7453]

She can't relate to desperation, her give a fucks are on vacation my dear... an eternal vacation. Sorry

[@tonifonseca9178]

My mom keeps falling and at 82 isn't doing the best.. was gonna sell my house.. too get away from narc bf but she is a hoarder badly

[@MzJoniLove]

Seems like the more u try to depend on them to NOT let u down, the more they go out of their way to LET U DOWN! Currently 37 weeks pregnant & going thru ending a narc relationship 🙏🧘‍♀️🤰😓

[@lindamcwilliams9056]

This is so very true. And even more, most people around us have no idea what we are going through either.

[@Liane-qs6ml]

Alot of people don't believe you. So I don't bother

[@wildhorses6817]

Exactly, no one has a clue. And, maybe we have surrounded ourselves with narcissistic people, that's what I'm thinking lately. No one cares.

[@Liane-qs6ml]

@@wildhorses6817 I didn't know what a narcissist was till him

[@Liane-qs6ml]

@@wildhorses6817 what makes mine worse is he's a country singer it's been 4 years

[@denisevalley9021]

I am also 61 years old, married to a covert narcissist. He just went home to his family reunion, and then texted me that he was not coming back. I am disability connected vetren. My family area all past away. To top it off we rent don't own a house and it's in a very isolated area. Said he was taking vacation time, and once he was up there, he said he quit his job, and I called his boss who had no clue he was quitting his job. Take care of yourself. I am economically dependent on him. I also have medical issues, which there is no empathy at all for me.

[@j2muw667]

Maybe with him gone, you can heal. And he was waiting for you to beg him to come back…?

[@valleygirl2530]

I don’t know what state you live in but you need legal advice. He probably owes you spousal support or you can sue him for a settlement of some kind. Good luck - he sounds like a coward.

[@teresapotts3476]

🙏

[@azsuehayes]

Imsorry, that's awful. I have always been independent, ran our company and all the responsibilities. Still kept allowing it. 🙏🏼😔

[@tawnytirado143]

I wish you luck and karma is a bitch !!

[@velvetgardenia]

"Performative or hollow empathy." And that's probably excruciating for them to even give that much. At a certain point, I realized - narc NEVER asked me about my feelings, my health, my kids, family drama...no, but if I turned the convo to the subject of THEM: they become really animated and engaged. It's extremely telling.

[@scottessery100]

Your channel has been so valuable at showing me that the narcissists truth isnt the real truth. As a child being told "you made me do...." and "its your fault that..." by my father and teachers, when Im bombarded daily with blame, shame and criticism I can spot if Ive actualy done anything wrong or im again being made to feel powerless so someone else can feel strong. Thank you so much

[@NatzTalk]

I'm so sorry💛 Glad you're learning and on your way to healing. 💪🏾

[@TheKrispyfort]

Recently realised that regardless of what I do, say, or action, they will still be disrespectful, offended, and cruel. I figured if I'm going to be in a miserable situation anyway, I might as well be at peace with MY words, choices, and actions. Being genuine for and to my Self has made all the difference

[@pascalbro7524]

The link to the video Dr Ramani mentioned is not in the description yet. I found it though. It's titled "Empathy: The Human Connection to Patient Care", the one with 7 million views, for those who want to watch it now and don't have the link

[@yukio_saito]

Thanks

[@denisevalley9021]

Thank you

[@munkeykung8971]

Kudos

[@dstermd]

Thank you for posting this oversight. However, using the exact search words "Empathy the human connection to patient care Cleveland Clinic" displays at least three videos with that same title. Please provide the link to the one being referred to. Thank you.

[@munkeykung8971]

@@dstermd I don't think the comments will allow an actual link. Please view them individually and go with your gut. Thank you ;)

[@athensmajnoo3661]

I gave my time, energy, skills, service, for my narc of a mom in law, for 37 years, not getting a single word of gratitude, or empathy or sympathy while I went through difficult times. I found indipendence only 3 years ago, after she passed..

[@gabireicher6337]

"The impossible situations that people find themselves in narcissistic relationship" - so accurate

[@kymmzej9173]

Being a narcissist is truly a tragic life to have. Imagine having your entire life based upon lies. Thinking you won't get what you want in life unless you manipulate other people. Being fully aware of your wrong doings but because you're so insecure you'll never admit to it...then repeat the offense. I'm glad I found this channel. It's helped me so much post-break up with my narc ex-girlfriend. Funny thing is is that I randomly found this channel while I was dating her without even searching for it. Must of been a sign from God lol.

[@ericb8413]

The only tragedy I see is the damage they do to others. They are the most selfish beings I’ve ever experienced. I have 0 sympathy for any of them. Just my humble opinion, based on personal experience ☺️

[@IsabellaPiesch]

@@ericb8413 I would write: You are both right.

[@bonitobonita9263]

@@ericb8413recognize someone’s life miserable and having empathy for it doesn’t equal you support their behaviors.

[@ggggglist]

Well, yes. But it's the only life they had, so they never experienced empathy and other human stuff. And because of that, maybe they're not that unhappy as you depict them. Anyways, even if they're upset to live that way, they never had a permission to hurt anyone. And they not only hurt, they create a multiple trauma to person and bond that person above themselves. They're very toxic and don't give a f about you, when you are actually struggle trying to make them happy. In conclusion, f them.

[@mday3821]

I would have to agree with you. Living a lie and feeling you have to manipulate someone to get what you want. But what is really sad, they never know what it feels like to love and to be loved back...Not that they want love, but never know what love is

[@meleze3382]

Not everyone deserves grace!

[@lorianttila9698]

They don't deserve it...but we give it anyway because it is who we are. Be authentic to yourself And remember to be safe. Set the best boundaries you can

[@thaomirys]

I understood while we were together. I probably just didn’t believe it at all. I’m practicing radical acceptance now and people like you that give us this knowledge through books and videos like this gave me the closure I need. I listen and read about it. I’m journaling. Healing it’s not a good looking process but I’m moving forward and one day this would be just a dark chapter of the book of life and will not have to worry myself with hiper vigilance over this sick individual that tried to destroy my soul. Thanks for that, Ramani ❤

[@MM-gk5of]

Keep moving forward. Never look back.

[@TheKrispyfort]

COMPLIMENT: gorgeous outfit today. The necklace truly brings it together 👍

[@sundancer7381]

How many times do I expect empathy? Zero. I simply keep going.....find the positive people......Such an interesting insight! Thank you for that!

[@chowder_1148]

I watched that video yesterday Dr.Ramani because I find people around me to be very unempathetic.

[@alessandrajouberteix4663]

Would you kindly share the link to that video?

[@TheLove1Makes]

I watch the Cleveland Clinic video. It touching watching all the different scenarios in a hospital. That health care workers have to endure. Breaks my heart. A good reminder thinking my problems are the worst. I guess in our closed mind. When theres worst problems in this world. Humbling

[@kimberlyvergez4391]

In my relationship with a low level covert, I think he sees himself as empathetic. And he is very SYMPATHETIC to people who are less well off than him, anyone he sees in an inferior position. But if he sees you as equal or superior, that sympathy disappears and becomes adversarial. But like many narcissists, he actively chooses partners who are extremely high in empathy, often because of past trauma. I am just one in a list of partners who are very presentable, attractive, educated, and yes super-empathic. This serves his interests well, as we become the "front man" buying him public credibility and status, while adapting ourselves to a foundationally unhealthy relationship

[@ifeanyiogwo9880]

So on point!

[@justmontina]

So true.

[@pascalbro7524]

With radical acceptance though, I can see what their actual bubbles really are like: 'Only got 72 likes on instagram', 'was shown to be wrong on something I confidently stated as fact', 'Mistress would not take my booty call', 'My wife is more successful and popular than I am'

[@velvetgardenia]

Lol this is darkly hilarious!!!

[@gaildouglasjacobson5464]

My narc has hardly ever returned the favor. my empathy has dwindled immensely

[@roziel5]

For those who are asking, this is the video Dr Ramani is mentioning in her video: kzbin.info/www/bejne/mXWniKmglNZgpZo&ab_channel=ClevelandClinic

[@ashton1952]

Thanks!

[@roziel5]

@@ashton1952 You're so welcome! 🥰

[@sparkle6258]

Yes, often when Dr. Ramani mentions something that's in the "video notes," I never know where to look. So, I try to find the subject on my own.

[@rharia]

Thank you

[@julialeslie9213]

This needs to be pinned.

[@maevebutler4641]

Trying to protect myself from verbal attacks in relation to me not visiting narcissistic elderly mother & have gone "no contact " with siblings Either pathway forward is not coming easy to me as being deeply empathic I can't help but feel guilty when critical texts are sent & yet because of all I have learned from you, Dr.Ramini I know I have made the right decision Thank you for your brilliant work re - narcissistic and antagonistic people & healing ❤❤❤

[@joeythebushkangaroo1]

Don't accept their poison letters,block them for your mental health. I've done so with 2 siblings for last 2 months,never felt better. No more dread.

[@diandreabrown8711]

At the right time...I was just thinking about my ex. I am here thinking about my ex and hoping she is honestly trying to work on herself. And also thinking of how she chose to go about the ending of things with us. For the first time I was not angry but sad, sad for her. They only pretend to care and do their best to destroy u if and when u leave them like mines did. She pretends to have it all together, but I've always seen right through it. I pray for her today. I think about her often as I continue to move away from her and move forward. Life Goes On.

[@valleygirl2530]

Think about yourself more and less about your Ex. That’s precious energy wasted on someone who probably doesn’t deserve it. Move On.

[@diandreabrown8711]

@valleygirl2530 i think about myself more. This was a comment in regards to the video. It is not thinking in regards to rumination. It is selfless grace and i am still moving forward. We all deserve grace :). Thank you for your input tho.

[@LexinePishue]

this is so true. I have countless examples of the empathy gap from my family. I feel like it's put me at a constant disadvantage, putting others considerations ahead of my own, and even giving me a bit of a complex about how "lucky" I am, because I was so often reminded of how hard things were for the other people around me while they told me that my mood was entirely my fault and nobody should be expected to accommodate it. blehhh

[@MENTALHEALTHWITHLUKE]

Not to mention your soul, mental health, livelihood, and whatever else they steal

[@justrosy5]

A Narcissist's Survivor's Mantra: I hereby release myself from the machinations of my narc. That person, while they matter and have value, is no longer my puppeteer. What they think is none of my business, and they can die in anger. I have a life to go live my way now!

[@valleygirl2530]

I agree that healthcare workers are often lacking in empathy for the patients who need their help. I spent 4 days in the local (formerly private) hospital being tested for a myriad of diagnoses. I’d never spent so much time in a hospital setting and I’m a Sr. citizen. I was generally ignored until the staff came to draw blood or “order” me to submit to yet another test. They couldn’t even remember to keep my door closed from the noisy chaotic hallway. I’m NEVER going back there. I’m imagining that only jail would be worse. BTW - nothing was found except the ongoing stress of my life. And the so-called medical workers were of NO HELP rather they caused me more stress.

[@joeythebushkangaroo1]

I'm in health care myself and many employees I've worked with just view it as another job with hero status and money. Many people have the qualifications but not the heart...

[@sparkygump]

Their bubble is always much more important to yours.

[@joeythebushkangaroo1]

This! If it happens to them, everyone hears about it non stop. I don't even tell people what I'm going thru and if I do,it's serious stuff. Everything in the narcs life is overly dramatic with a lot of "look at me," I'm the busiest, wealthiest, most educated,have the most holidays, travel the most, have the most friends, the smartest,work the hardest, poor me-my bills are bigger,my car is better,my house is higher on the hill, my clothes brands are the best,my children are more successful,I'm superior. It is sickening to be around these people and seriously I find them the most boring people I know. Avoid them like a swarm of wasps...

[@Non-Artificial-Intelligence]

Thank you, Dr. Ramini for reading my "word bubble"!

[@TheGeorgenc40]

Understanding what the narcissist is dealing with is for two different reasons: One is when you are hopelessly in love them and want to meet their needs: Two is for self defense reasons to know what are their next steps to devalue you and to extract time, money, resources, etc. from you.

[@LorenaCruz-le2mz]

The father of my child has this disorder. He has not met her. He blames other people for not being in her life. I had to force him to financially be there for her. i found out he has other children and is with a new partner. I realized he is just going to keep lying. He has been making payments even though he doesn't have a job. I have not told my family but i requested to change the order to receive 0 dollars until he gets a job. I know how irate my mom will be, and say that he has to figure it out. For the past 3 years, i have been fighting for my heart. I almost lost it, which terrified me and made me seek professional insight. I still have love ones in my life and some who will come in the future. A narcissistic person has the potential to truly bring chaos and drama into your life, but letting them destroy your heart is the worst thing. Recently i have not just recovered my heart but also just cut off communication with him. Not out of malice but out of self protection.

[@azsuehayes]

I stopped and watched the video. Cried from the first scene. What a beautiful and hope inspiring message to doctors. 🙏🏼❤️🙏🏼

[@valleygirl2530]

That video sounds manipulative. Medical workers including doctors are NOT going to change for the better. So WE are expected to change? I DOUBT I WILL.

[@azsuehayes]

@@valleygirl2530 Maybe you haven't been mistreated by the medical robotic system of western medicine. Lucky you!

[@madbrax5184]

You have helped me so much with these videos. I can't thank you enough. I'm still stuck in a relationship with a narcissist and not yet sure if I'll ever get out, but it sure does help me to be able to recognize it for what it is. Thanks again..

[@KishorSharmaExploringLife]

Very true about Narcissists ❤❤😅😊

[@tomchurch2285]

A narcissist’s word bubble, by default, tends to be the overriding topic of the day . . . One must find a way to pull back, preferably not by confrontation, but by grey- rocking and minimizing exposure to . . .

[@timothydraper3687]

It helps towards not taking things personally, which is what really helped me.

[@ArtMonkey5150]

They will do favors... But it's usually to keep themselves feeling validated. Not all the time but it's like the occasional "tip" if you're not arguing with them and maintaining silence. Like respecting a dangerous animal but standing your ground. Give and take... It's a dream to find a compatible life person.

[@cherobinson6371]

As someone with a Target literally a Target on my Body ( a birthmark that covers half my face) I have from Birth had Narcissistic ( bullies) rush too gaslight ( bully) me my whole life. I’d say about 33% of Society is Narcissistic and far too many in Society let them dictate and set policy etc.

[@PenninkJacob]

YESSSS EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you soooo much!!!! EXACTLY!!!!!👍👍👍❤❤❤ this might be the very essence of the problem... thank you!!!!

[@user-qv9nw1dq2f]

Thank you for sharing Your compassionate heart dr Ramani ❤

[@user-yn2en1tw3e]

I am in constant confusion and I go to sleep crying is now waking me up. I feel that I am at a loss I can't identify so how can I defend myself or fight for my life and life investments if I am in some weird narcissistic organized group effort. I am trying to win me. I know you say you can't win.... But this is about winning me, winning what is mine and what is my life. How do you get YOUR life back to be YOURS. People know the matriarchs and patriarchy and authorities with influence that participate......no one is speaking up. I want ME back...they gave paradoxically stolen me, mine, and usurped my literal identity. I want it back

[@moniquejackson7741]

Brilliant. A lot of people still believe that understanding what the narcissist is dealing with means that you can't show or feel empathy for the narcissist. You can be indifferent to the narcissist and still feel empathy for them. You can show empathy if you want, just don't expect any from the narcissist, and be prepared that they will most likely use it against you.

[@csfiskus610]

“Once is happenstance.Twice is a coincidence. Three times is enemy action” ― Ian Fleming, Goldfinger

[@mac-ju5ot]

Thank Dr.Rani. It is indeed a oneway street . I had no idea a n.p. therapist eould oneday agree with me. I often feel like the extra person that is tolerated in my family. Inseen and unheart.

[@tenningale]

Anybody experienced the "you would act like this too if you knew what I was going through" spiel? Normal people can regulate their emotions in healthy ways, so it's another way they gaslight. Everything is "wrong" with everyone else, not them.

[@joeythebushkangaroo1]

Those that excuse their rageaholic abuse-you don't know what she's going thru... does she have a raging lunatic creaming in her face, abusive text msgs, ringing with insults? I'm going thru my own things but have to have her abusive treatment on top of my own load of stuff. I have now blocked her. I'm not going to be someone's garbage bin anymore. Count me out!

[@lorianttila9698]

I found the video and was crying from almost the very beginning. I know these people. I see them everyday. I work in a hospital at the bedside. And no, I would not treat them differently. I love my job, even on the hard days. Some people are a challenge, I wish them God's grace. Empathy lives in the hospital

[@lorianttila9698]

We all have a calling...this is mine

[@suzanne4396]

Can you please send the link?? Several of us cannot find it on this video. TIA

[@Fer-vq6ru]

I saw the video, thank you for referencing it. I cried!

[@JohnReid-cm2kk]

I could use a month of videos like this one! Thank you so much for celebrating the meaning of empathy. What a powerful lesson in acknowledging the gift we give to each other through it all. Love, life and Empathy. Everyday. I cherished this video. Thank you. I love learning about both sides of the spectrum. And I enjoyed seeing the word bubbles and immediately started relating-thinking how it feels-how could I help if I went through that- it’s just beautiful. You taught this very well… well done! Today’s video was really remarkable. Thanks again. What a bright spot against such a looming shadow!

[@wakeupordie]

I didn't see the link to the Cleavland Clinic video in the description box. I found the video and would love to share it here, but KZbin won't allow sharing of links, even to other KZbin content.

[@privateprivate8366]

Yes, healthcare is more a busy place, where tasks are simply tended to. I do understand them working in autonomic fashion. But, I’m sure that a lot of patients are also hoping for a caring demeanor. Many years ago, I went to see my GP. Most exam rooms are small and I asked him a question, while he was writing something a couple of feet from me. He didn’t answer. I asked again. As I knew he’d heard and was ignoring me, I told him that I knew he heard me, that he was simply ignoring me and that he was fired. After all, while I may not pay him directly, my insurance did and he makes a nice living by that. So, I took my records and left. And, no, I don’t think he learned any lesson and started treating other patients better. I just knew he wasn’t the doctor for me.

[@crystalclear7453]

I always leave a comment on every video you drop. Sometimes I share my experience or show support to a fellow survivor on this section. It's nice to think this is our own community ❤ Today let me compliment you on your beautiful dress, that's definitely your colour Dr. R! You look specially beguiling today! Btw, I can't express in words how much I enjoyed your conversation with Alanis Morissette ❤❤❤ She always strikes me as an empathic and soulful person. I wish you would have more conversations together. Somehow it's healing to relate to others who went through the same even hundreds of miles apart.

[@FitChickGlows]

Hi Dr. Ramani! I LOVE all your videos it’s such an education, incredible resource and HELP! I just wanted to say the LINK is not in the description yet. Can you update your description for it? Thanks so much! 😄

[@Tazz-Media]

It's titled "Empathy: The Human Connection to Patient Care", the one with 7 million views, for those who want to watch it now and don't have the link

[@ninjakitteh9095]

The people setting up the video, forgot to include the link to the video Dr Ramani watched amd recommended. Would like to see it.

[@suzanne4396]

True. I've looked 7 times

[@DogMomCMF]

Oh my goodness...watched the video after, bawling!!! 😭 Had to catch my breath at times, made me want to run to the hospital, and hug everyone I see.

[@LSMH528Hz]

Sounds familiar. The idea you have to have all the empathy in the world all the time for the narcissists grievances, you may not even be allowed to bring up, ask about, or else you'll get b*tchslapped for even daring to mention it. (eggshell walking 24/7) But you can try to communicate as clear as you want about what bothers you, and you'll get nothing. Well, perhaps you get accused you complain all the time and if you had it as hard as them you wouldn't bla bla blame shame.... (darvo) Behavior like this really make me wonder if narcissism is "just" a behavior pattern and not a full blown mental disorder.

[@cathygeibel6639]

Wow .. this was ME in a 40+ year career as a registered nurse. Many empathic nurses, and most of us are, give until we have nothing left to give which is why burnout is so prevalent. I would love to see the Cleveland clinic do a "word bubble" video of just healthcare workers where the hospital administrators are narcissists, and YES, many of them are.

[@yvonnebertrand3731]

Tim Fletcher just released a YT video on Why Leadership attracts Narcissists.

[@mr.coffee6109]

ThankYOU,Dr. R. Strangely, perhaps, it bothers me even more when the narcissist recites platitudes in the sick room and LATER, they change the whole scene making themselves the one who understood and helped. They see themselves as having empathy.

[@lindamcginn699]

Yup she'd ask me to babysit several times a week. When I eventually said no, she told me she was surprised. See I'd trained her to always expect me to say yes. I got far away from her 11 years ago and am so glad.

[@victoriam9319]

If I let my 'word bubble' be known to my malignant narcissistic father, not only will he show no empathy, but he will double down on the abuse.

[@bellaluce7088]

When I first realized years ago that I'd attracted so many non-reciprocators in my life, it felt *horrible* to stop allowing myself to act on my empathy, like a loss of something precious and beautiful.😟🦄But now I realize that like giving a child healthy boundaries instead of constant treats and TV, limits are a GIFT to everyone around us as well as ourselves. Selfish people who are actually capable of change are more likely to do so if using people stops working, and that at least gives them the CHANCE to form healthy and real attachments. And since fellow empathic people WANT to know others' needs and boundaries, only accepting relationships of reciprocity and respect helps attract likeminded people who deserve to be with someone who'll care for them back. Win-win! 💖😄 Giving myself permission to only allow instinctively kind and reciprocal people in my life and filter out the rest lets me be my true empathic self with delicious abandon, and that feels so good! 🌈🌱🌿🤓😄😻💐🍀💖

[@awakeningEmpath]

saw you in London tonight, what a privilege

[@gpardue26]

This is absolutely true and it’s something that can take so long for survivors to see. We’re too busy focused on their “bubbles” that we don’t realize ours isn’t being seen or appreciated as well. On top of this- I realize that many times they do actually see our bubbles. They know when things are making us weak and they pounce on the opportunity to take advantage. They even attack us because they are jealous that we have a “bubble” that warrants sympathy, as if we’re lucky for the issue at hand or we intentionally created it so we could soak up all the attention. They will even verbally accuse you of it. They are definitely jealous if it’s a positive bubble and subsequently try to bring you down as well. It’s best to keep your “bubble” hidden from them. They can be quite interested in your experience, but completely disordered in their reasons why.

[@rozitagh4479]

I need to watch a lot of videos in a day in order to remind myself that he was a bad person.... my mind forget how he tortured me and i miss him so much

[@donnasimmons2241]

I can relate to your statement. I was married 23 years to a man I thought was my soulmate. About 15 years ago he changed into someone I didnt know and didnt like. The mask of the covert narcissist came off and I was devastated. The lies, the betrayal of trust, the smugness of arrogance and the pornography made me sick to my stomach. We are separated and getting a divorce. I still love the sweet guy I married and I miss him, but I have to do the right thing and eliminate the "entitled I can do anything I want" man from my life. Marriage is sacred and pure and not meant to be shared with lying, deceitful perverts. I deserve so much better than that; so why do I remember every fun time we had together? Doing the right thing can be painful sometimes😢

[@rozitagh4479]

@donnasimmons2241 i am so sorry😢 i wish you bests of best. I hope our hearts totally healed. I just break up with him two months ago and wounds are fresh. I could not move on even a little bit til now

[@dstermd]

I located the video based on the number of views Dr. Ramani mentioned and used the exact search words "Empathy the human connection to patient care Cleveland Clinic." It has 7.4 M views and is from 11 years ago.

[@lorianttila9698]

Ty for posting. I was looking for the link

[@JKDVIPER]

Caught it early! A short one cool. 😎💯👈🏻

[@Lizzy-ow5ww]

This video was triggering. Not because of Dr. Ramani's wise words, but because of the video that she referenced. I have been a patient at that facility and have not been on the receiving end of the empathy they claim to provide. I've had a physician chart an exam that was not performed. Another MD charted that I refused to be examined when I did not, another berated me in front of staff for being anxious and speaking more sharply than I intended (I was there alone, to rule out cancer), and there have been a few other unfortunate experiences. Because of this, I stopped seeing doctors 13 years ago. I'd spent 17 years in an abusive marriage with a narc and I'm not about to suffer abuse from a medical system. The video brought me to tears remembering two of the most severe abuses.

[@kimyoxsecret]

That is EXACTLY how i am... i am ALWAYS about making someone else feel "happy"... i have ALWAYS been that way, empathic, towards others. ALWAYS. even in person... i have a video of someone accusing me of being "evil" or "satan", and i've always just listened... and think they're just venting

[@kristelsmart8318]

Any difficulty I may have experienced was perceived by my narc sister as “making everything about me”, simply because it wasn’t about her. I went through hell as a teenager (scapegoat), and my sister refers to it as “that time I was attention seeking”. I was trying desperately to find peace and away from being targeted, to hide, actually, if I could. But yeah, it was for attention 🙄

[@tlalalaboogz1756]

Dr. Ramani, I once watched a video of you being interviewed where you were asked by the interviewer if there were any Psychologists who believed there was a cure for narcissism. You gave an answer of one woman (if I remember correctly) you mentioned her name and possibly a book she wrote. I realize you don't share that belief that they can be cured but I sure would appreciate you giving me the name of that person and book. I am really curious about the topic. I follow your videos and appreciate you so much. Your videos have helped me greatly with the narcissistic abuse I suffered from family members as well as romantic partners.

[@WillowHawkrider]

I grew up with at least one narcissistic grandparent and one narcissistic parent. I'm not sure about my other parent, but they were enabling since I was the one always in trouble. Yep, I was the trauma bonded scapegoat. I was also in a religious cult whose teachings read like a narcissistic how to manual. In this religious cult women were the cause of all problems..everything was their fault somehow. Men had no responsibility for relationships. I got out of the cult without understanding how it had reinforced my normalization of trauma bonding. Thus it is no surprise that I married a covert narcissist and became trauma bonded to him. Now, in my early sixties, I am a widow plus my parents and grandparents are gone as well. I was thinking, "Yay! I'm free from narcissists!! But no I am not. I have come to realize that my sibling is also a narcissist...a vulnerable one. I have always excused her behavior with empathy until recently. She went to far with her needing to control everything and her lack of empathy for me or anyone else. Just this week I have faced the fact that I not only was trauma bonded to my past narcissists, but also am to my sibling, and she is carrying on trying to keep me in my role as family scapegoat. It IS devastating. It is also nice to know that I am not alone (and yet I don't wish this on anyone), that I'm not crazy. It is good to have the understanding that I'm never going to be seen or heard the way I wish from my sibling even though it hurts so deeply. I have made a few friends who love me and see me...the real me, not the altered version. I've got a long way to go in my healing journey, but I've made it this far and that is something. To anyone who reads this, thanks for listening. I needed to put this out there.

[@DominiqueFrancon]

The video from the Cleveland Clinic is NOT in the description box.

[@Tazz-Media]

It's titled "Empathy: The Human Connection to Patient Care", the one with 7 million views, for those who want to watch it now and don't have the link

[@munkeykung8971]

The link for the video mentioned in the beginning is not linked in the description

[@Tazz-Media]

It's titled "Empathy: The Human Connection to Patient Care", the one with 7 million views, for those who want to watch it now and don't have the link

[@mcviking8597]

The way the line was described is how I believe it should be and that's how we should act towards each other for the most part. I mean, it's not like we all 4 year olds on a playground trying to push each other and fight over who gets to go down the slide first.😂

[@shellymiller1248]

My narcissist mother in law had my autistic, monophonic, 28 year old son with severe anxiety arrested over a misunderstanding/mistake but she won’t back down. She has never understood his issues. This is a nightmare. We don’t know how to get her to drop this. She is causing my husband and son so much pain. We want her out of our lives but can’t do anything until this nightmare is over. She says she has been through too much pain in her life and won’t take anymore. But my son has never done anything to her. She has always blamed everyone in my family (and has convinced her friends and colleagues that she is some amazing grandmother and we have brainwashed our kids against her)for her not being close to my kids. But she has never cared enough to even ask them one question about their lives. She refused to come to their birthday parties because she didn’t get everyone’s complete attention. She refused not to drink alcohol around them when they were small. She has held something my son told her at age 8 against him for 20 years! It looks like this will actually go to a grand jury. How on earth do we convince them that this is a mess caused by a narcissist and not my son?

[@jadegreen1554]

Trying to understand what the Narc is dealing with is Like trying to understand what your enemy is dealing with. The Narc is your enemy. How does it help you to know the stresses of your enemy? All you need to focus on is you.

[@jodycasey6936]

No video link, I’m going to go search for it

[@ScarletAlchemist888]

Thank you Dr Ramani, may Allah bless.

[@susanmercurio1060]

I'm not finding the link to the Cleveland Clinic video in the video description.

[@Tazz-Media]

It's titled "Empathy: The Human Connection to Patient Care", the one with 7 million views, for those who want to watch it now and don't have the link

[@patrickbinford590]

The word bubbling with the narcissist is absurd! Your constabt giving of empathy is still coming from you being a somebody rather than a nobody, who doesn't care about reciprocity. But of course reciprocity is expected in interpersonal relating: two egos on a two-way street, not a one-way street/one -suded relationship. The narcissist is the gift that keeps on giving! So, we can't forget! Keep learning where it helps you, and keep on learning to where THAT helps you.❤️

[@0xiconicsoul52]

What

[@munkeykung8971]

@@0xiconicsoul52 Patrick is trying to give it a positive spin. Rather than looking at it as the narcissist keeps abusing me cause I'm a worthless nobody who can't stand up for himself, he's saying the narcissists abuse working on you means that you're a somebody because you have the empathy to keep being nice, to keep trying and not giving up on somebody. So rather than punishing yourself, it's a way to look at yourself with grace: Yes I am empathic, yes I don't give up easily, yes I am strong, and I'm more of a person than the person telling me I'm less for that very fact. The gift that keeps on giving: The pain you feel from the abuse actually meaning you have feelings and empathy, and them reminding you of it time after time again. It's somewhere in between the ballpark of being positive and being in denial, but it's a decent way to spin it around and try to get used to thinking/feeling in a more positive way.

[@munkeykung8971]

After the op's edit I'm not so sure anymore if this is what he meant.

[@patrickbinford590]

​​​@@munkeykung8971 In retrospect I can see why there may be some lack of clarity that the reader might have about what I was saying regarding somebodyness and nobodyness with regards to the narcissist and the survivor of a narcissist. So what I meant is that if I'm somebody, if I'm very much in my identity -- that I've learned who I am through that identity, which is being empathic, and which is being a survivor -- and all that with regard to my relationship to o the narcissist-- as opposed to not being identified with that somebodyness, which manifests as my "survivor pattern," yes I do mean you can look at yourself with grace! It's also a way to look at yourself with grace no matter what. Example: that I don't have to beat myself up for being in this problem in the first place which then causes me to want to stay in the same type of situation in future situations where I'm caught in the same pattern, because I'm busy still not clicking into a self understanding of how this pattern has completely overwhelmed me over time. I just read what I wrote and it's awfully wordy and it may not even be that clear. However I hope that you can understand it anyway obviously. Because I'd rather be understood than not about all this stuff! If you need more clarity I'll try to provide it assuming both of us have the time. Peace ✌️

[@patrickbinford590]

Yes the gift that keeps on giving because you have feelings and empathy. It's just that yes I think this is what you're saying: that you don't have to keep giving in a situation where there is no real recipient, which in this case is the narcissist we're talking about.

[@maxsiehier]

I remember one of the last and few times I cried, as a guy, was when I was drowning in a word bubble bath, for a long time really, and I was still treating others as I wish to be treated, and I was left on my own without any emotional support. On top of all that, my narcissistic brother just decided to unleash his rage on me... because he wants to, he feels like it. So, uhm, what am I to you? Quite a risky assumption there, that I must be able to bear your heavy rage on top of my own heavy heart. After his rage... This realization is what made me cry, just the levels of despair. Wild.

[@JuddyJk]

I have been married to a narc for 15 years and i cant leave....he cheats and blames it on me...i literally get blamed for everything even if he falls sick...

[@rowanforrester3423]

I'm not finding the link to the Cleveland Clinic video. Searching brings up quite a few different ones about empathy and healthcare, all by CC. 🤷‍♂️

[@user-pp1dc2wp8o]

No link available to Cleveland clinic video

[@Tazz-Media]

It's titled "Empathy: The Human Connection to Patient Care", the one with 7 million views, for those who want to watch it now and don't have the link

[@lesliejoyce1944]

Is it possible to eventually become disabled from narcissistic abuse? Or must one already be disabled to get stuck in long term narcissistic abuse?

[@JOjoZ00o]

Where is the video link to the Cleveland podcast. Please can you make it more designed so we can better research your discussion.

[@Saraflowerk]

Offer more grace, but be wary of some people as they wont do the same as you.

[@justrosy5]

There are social etiquette rules dreamed up by some jackass a few hundred years ago, and then there's knowing that people matter. It's as simple as that.

[@laurelbarlow5733]

My late stepfather did not care about my pain or fears.

[@kimballhartman]

what if an entire organization that works with police- police usually have a narcissistic personality disorder- that psychologically projects onto a person who isn’t narcissistic… and followed so many narcissistic people’s false accusations about the Person… and they believed it to be, true for 9-10 years… and… they wouldn’t stop “punishing” the person who isn’t like that… would that be an “ok” thing to do? And what if the person commits suicide… would they think they did something wrong to the person… or would they believe the person lied so much that they couldn’t accept the truth? I believe they would believe the person they psychologically projected on, lied… And it wouldn’t matter and they’d do it again…

[@KDennison-jj1ch]

I was mentioning this to my husband last night!! I play emotional chess with my narcissistic relatives - if I say 'this' then 'this' is the heap of trouble it causes but if I word things differently or say 'this' to them, then 'this' is the fallout. It's stress-inducing and exhausting. I, the human being I am (with hopes, and thoughts, and opinions) disappears to make a smoother path for us all. And what am I teaching my son - will he become a narcissist because I pull my emotions back to make it easier for him or am I teaching him to be just as passive?

[@georgirancour198]

u should come to cleveland, my home. i think u would love it. its small, big, weird, cool, metropolitan, small town,sporty, geeky place.

[@daykibaran9668]

Hey 👋🏻

[@youngblood8540]

Hi 👋