the pursuit & appeal of (MUCH) older men

why do young women/girls like older men? sometimes, MUCH older. why are they vulnerable in these relationships? i do not mean to judge anyone in a healthy and happy large-age gap relationship, this is just to examine cases at large, with a primary focus on women/girls who have only recently reached legal age.
✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ: i'd love to hear what you have to say *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
TIMESTAMPS:
0:00 want to play a game?
1:14 daddy issues: an insufficient explanation
3:44 a focus on women/girls
4:38 the woman/girl's responsibility
6:06 the appeal of older men
10:27 cons of dating much older men
13:31 the appeal of young women/girls
16:19 cons of dating much younger women/girls
16:34 rusbult's investment model
19:28 so... what's wrong with it?
22:34 feeding into gender norms
24:17 outro
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SOURCES:
Longfield et al. "Relationships Between Older Men and Younger Women: Implications for STIs/HIV in Kenya": doi.org/10.1111/j.1728-4465.2...
Napoli, A. "Social media use and generational identity: Issues and consequences on peer-to-peer and cross-generational relationships - an empirical study
": citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/...
Lehmiller, J. & Christopher R. "Commitment in Age-Gap Heterosexual Romantic Relationships: A Test of Evolutionary and Socio-Cultural Predictions": doi.org/10.1111%2Fj.1471-6402...
Beauvoir, S.d. "The Second Sex" (1949).
Drefahl, S. "How Does the Age Gap Between Partners Affect Their Survival?": dx.doi.org/10.1353%2Fdem.0.0106
Taylor Swift. "All Too Well: The Short Film": • Taylor Swift - All Too...
Monica Hernandez. "Setting boundaries: Why grown men love girls (TW)": • Setting boundaries: Wh...
Shallon Lester. "Dating An Older Guy: How Much Of An Age Difference In A Relationship Is TOO MUCH!": • Dating An Older Guy: H...
Courtney Ryan. "3 Reasons Why Women Are Attracted To Older Men | Courtney Ryan": • 3 Reasons Why Women Ar...
Vivian Ngo. "MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE 🔥❤️️ Dating An Older Man | 3 Reasons Why I've LOVED It!!": • MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE...
Shanspeare. "Daddy Issues, Misogyny, and the Pinnacle of Male Privilege": • Daddy Issues, Misogyny...
Shanspeare. "12 going on 21: The End of the Tween Era": • 12 going on 21: The En...
Jordan Theresa. "the lolita resurgence ... when history repeats itself": • the lolita resurgence ...
TeresaAP98: "Why You Should Be Dating Older Men | Top 10 Reasons to Snag a Silver Fox in your 20's": • Why You Should Be Dati...
Brito, J. "Yes, ‘Daddy Issues’ Are a Real Thing - Here’s How to Deal": www.healthline.com/health/wha...
Marni Your Personal Wing Girl. "3 “Older Guy” Traits Younger Women Find RIDICULOUSLY SEXY (That Any Guy Can Have)": • 3 “Older Guy” Traits Y...
**there are other sources that may have informed my thoughts overtime but i can't really recall specifics/find them anymore
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tags: large age gap relationships, large age gap couples, large age difference relationships, big age gap, dating older men, cross-generational relationships, taylor swift all too well short film, taylor swift jake gyllenhaal, older men, young women girls dating older men, gender norms, gender roles, beauty, feminism, masculinity, toxic masculinity, grooming, daddy issues, silver fox, sugar daddies, sugar daddy, sugar baby, zaddy, femininity, beauty standards, the male gaze, social commentary, internet analysis, social media, love, romance, romantic relationship, toxic relationships

[@lilychhay]

It's weird that society also use "daddy issues" as an insult towards women and not an acknowledgment of men failures as a father

[@hydroaegis6658]

It's the failure to realize and mature pass those issues that makes it an insult. Life is tough but it doesn't mean you get to bitch and wail about it.

[@lilychhay]

@@hydroaegis6658 the reply just proves my point of why is the finger being pointed at everything/everyone else but the father. In simple terms I’m just stating the fact the phrase is never used against the source of the problem. Not everyone with daddy issues “bitch and wail” about it. Such bad experiences can alter a person’s outlook on people/life. It can result in things such as fear of abandonment and/or trust issues etc. Yet the phrase “daddy issues” can still be used against those people even if they don’t “bitch and wail” . Life is indeed tough. People deal with past issues/trauma (of varying severity) differently and at different pace. Even If someone wants to “bitch and wail” who are you or I or anyone else to judge. As long as they’re not hurting anyone. You don’t have to try to understand or agree with how people choose to behave but a little empathy wouldn’t hurt.

[@eddiebarton7217]

@@lilychhay you can point the finger at both if need be. Not going to help anyone by putting the blame around, just need to work to fix the problem

[@masterpig5s]

Hey wait, I’ve heard this before. I’m not beating on it, it’s pretty accurate

[@user-hl1ct3yh1r]

And no one wants to fix this issue. Older guys benefit from the mistakes of other men as they know young women are vulnerable and lacking a father figure, so they take advantage of that.

[@FIRXFLY]

Another thing to note is how society tells women that they mature faster than men, making women want to be with older men thinking that they'll be on the same maturity level

[@junaidnizami7076]

I think one reason could be that girls on average perform much better in school than boys do, they also seem to be much better behaved on average in school from the onset of puberty, a time when boys generally begin misbehaving even more. Performance in school is considered a large determinant of success, and the majority of children spend a majority of their time in school, meaning across the day a girl is excelling more than a boy on average, hence a reason why girls could be percieved as maturing faster than boys. I think its another unfortunate consequence of the current school system. Girls do not mature faster than boys they just mature differently.

[@FIRXFLY]

​@@junaidnizami7076 On what statistics are you pulling out this average? And girls misbehave during puberty too, just as much as boys Edit: I wanna say that during puberty everyone should discover themselves and explore things. I hate that I used the word 'misbehave'. And boys are allowed to discover themselves, but girls are hardly allowed to be more than a 1 dimensional piece of paper that should look pretty which leads to their whole nlog phase which every girl has had. I'm ranting now, let me stop.

[@junaidnizami7076]

@@FIRXFLY I do not have a study on hand about girls performing better than boys than school, but I've heard and seen it enough that I do believe it. Though I won't post a link I'm sure you could find a study that shows how girls perform better in school than boys. From what I know girls are also being accepted into and completing university more than boys. The statement that girls misbehave less than boys have been from my own anecdotal experiences. Every teacher I've spoken to at my school claimed that girls generally behaved better than boys, and in my own year group, the girls both behaved and performed significantly better than the boys. Again this second point is entirely anecdotal. I'm not saying that girls are incapable of misbehaving (going against how the school wants them to behave). Lastly, I agree with you in that young women should be encouraged to express themselves and explore themselves in those formative years.

[@zorlockts5744]

@@junaidnizami7076 source : trust me bro

[@junaidnizami7076]

@@zorlockts5744 hahahahaha

[@outsidethewall8488]

The healthiest relationship I've ever been in was with a man who was 8 years older than me. We broke up mutually due to differences in values and life goals. We are still great friends today. Age gap relationships often aren't healthy but they absolutely can be depending on a huge variety of individual factors.

[@fatimahanwaar306]

you're insecure for acting like it's the "healthiest relationship" age gap relationships aren't "healthy" you're being a pick-me seeking male validation

[@Appleadaykeepsdocaway]

How did you avoid creating a dependancy? Also, was the level of maturity ever a problem?

[@fatimahanwaar306]

@@Appleadaykeepsdocaway women who think that dating men 8 years older than them is "the healthiest relationship" are trying to seek male validation

[@outsidethewall8488]

@@Appleadaykeepsdocaway Probably a combination of my own stubborn insistence on independance (partly due to the fact I had been supporting myself independently since age 17/18), and the fact that even though he often paid for things because he wanted to, he never paid for things because he HAD to. It has always been important to me that I could get by alone if need be. And as for maturity, I feel like tbh he was probably a little immature for his age (as opposed to me being super mature for my age lol). It never really came up tbh. But I also have gone to lots of therapy and am generally a good communicator which he said he found refreshing.

[@fatimahanwaar306]

@@outsidethewall8488 "healthy" relationships with older men are an oxymoronic myth you're insecure

[@Nein1337]

My father is 46 and his girlfriend is 23. I am 16. We’re literally the same generation. Not weird at aaaaaaaall.

[@fatimahanwaar306]

it's disgusting and creepy no matter if people say "but they are both consenting adults" to prove a point and dismiss the age gap

[@Nein1337]

@@fatimahanwaar306 I absolutely agree and also didn’t mean to say, that I approve of this relationship. But what can one do accept adapt?

[@fatimahanwaar306]

@@Nein1337 we should understand that age gap relationships are wrong no matter what

[@tubblestop414]

Do you believe people who are 18 or older should be held accountable for their decisions? Do you believe women who are 18 can't make their own decisions? Are women 18 or older forever children?

[@funilyily]

Yikes

[@rawvegankid]

When I got my first boyfriend in college I told my roommates that it was his first relationship too and they all gave me funny looks and said "What? How are you okay with that, don't you want someone who's experienced?" Which baffled me because I saw it as something we had in common.

[@sonderexpeditions]

Exactly. To me that is ideal relationship.

[@EC-yw5hg]

I’m so glad my first bf was equally as inexperienced as I was, if I had gotten with my current bf while being totally inexperienced it would have been scary and disastrous. Growing up is not pretty, and very awkward. I almost threw up my first sexual encounter, even though mentally I was enjoying it-my body was in shock, even just making out and touching over clothes. I was comforted by the fact that my ex was nervous too, and experiencing it with me. So I think it’s weird to fetishize an absence of experience

[@silent-hills]

@@EC-yw5hg Yeah, I never understood that, either. It’s really creepy… (in reference to the last line I mean lol)

[@studypurposes4658]

What the fuck..?? Whats so wrong with being inexperienced..? Im so confused as to why your roommates had that perspective

[@changrey1116]

I don't think this is bad or strange. You 2 probably came off as a couple of unicorns 🦄🦄

[@christophernuzzi2780]

As a girl in her 20s once said to me, "To a guy my age I'm just another girl. To an older man, I'm a prize."

[@wiredvibe1678]

What perishable item is a prize? Men who think of women as "prizes" are just trying to impress other men.

[@-Radical.Ed-]

That is so sad, that women feel so disposable they have to recurr to being objectified to feel that they won't have such a short """market value""".

[@okbutwhatif9905]

@@-Radical.Ed- you need more quotation marks lol

[@-Radical.Ed-]

@@okbutwhatif9905 Given how little scientific evidence the term has and how incels try to push it as an irrefutable truth my quotation marks are clearly lacking

[@okbutwhatif9905]

@@-Radical.Ed- Yes

[@potapotapotapotapotapota]

As someone who was groomed by a female teacher in high school and who never had a real Dad growing up, I can attest to a lot of what was said in this video. Older people have the ability to make you feel special and as a result you can become dependent on them for your self worth. Like, she would tell me "you're not like the other boys, you're so mature for your age, you're like an old soul, I love the way your brain works." They prey on your insecurities and hype you up as a way to take advantage of you. But the longer the relationship goes on the more you realize how the difference of age and experience affects it. Once she realized I was just a depressed kid who didn't know how to take care of myself, she started to treat me like she was my mum and was constantly complaining and nagging about things I hadn't done and was always disappointed in me. I was extremely depressed at the time our relationship started, and years down the line, when I was still depressed and had no job or goals in life, all this nagging made me feel like I was worthless. The worst part was she used sex and my feelings of loneliness as a manipulation tactic to get me to do things for her. She never actually loved me or cared about me. She just wanted to use me for her own benefit. And I mean, I did the same thing to her, but I just didn't know any better. No one taught me what love was.

[@evanmaldonado9799]

That’s fucked up, I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been taken advantage of at such a young age, I can imagine how painful it must have been for you growing up without a real father and being emotionally abused and manipulated by a grown ass woman, The way that she treated you and used your feelings of loneliness and depression against you is just honestly disgusting. You really didn’t deserve what happened to you.

[@potapotapotapotapotapota]

​@@evanmaldonado9799 I've made a lot of progress with my mental health so I'm doing fine now, but thanks for the support :)

[@_chrshcmps]

i wanna hug you 😭❤️ im so sorry that happened to you and also im happy that you're finally moved on from that ❤

[@joshuadc82]

Dude, that really sucks in a way but at least all your friends thought you were a pimp, am I right? One of life's secrets is looking on the bright side of things. Another is gratitude. I'm not saying that your situation didn't come with trauma but it could have been worse; you could have been molested by a priest, boy scout master or uncle.

[@potapotapotapotapotapota]

@@joshuadc82 nah after it happened all my friends disassociated from me

[@sabrinae.6361]

Fiancé is 43, I'm 27. People give me more flack than him and assume I'm only with him for money. When we actually have a lot in common and I've never had better communication with another person... ever. It's not always superficial.

[@pedowise]

That's awesome 👍

[@fatimahanwaar306]

you're ignorant stop being in denial and making excuses to act like it's not always about women going after older men for their money this has nothing to do with "better communication" or whatever acting like it's "not always superficial" is ignorant

[@pedowise]

​@@fatimahanwaar306 stop being butt hurt

[@fatimahanwaar306]

@@pedowise you're ignorant

[@pedowise]

​@@fatimahanwaar306your delusional

[@dazai-san5000]

in grade school whenever i would tell the kids in my class that my dad was 2 years younger than my mom they were all slightly shocked. it’s crazy how this idea of an older man // younger women relationship gets implanted in our brains so young

[@b.curupira4683]

Same!!

[@fatimahanwaar306]

exactly not to mention people using the "maturity" excuse

[@fatimahanwaar306]

@@hamazing913 a month-long age gap is better than a year or decade-long age gap

[@alison_uncouth]

I'm happy my mother was 6 years older than my father. My boyfriend is 5 years younger then me and I so prefer it that way. I think people are more accepting g about it now, but I do feel judged from time to time.

[@rachellekelner8719]

My mom hid her age from me for 19 years because she was embarrassed we would find out that my dad is a year younger than her

[@quinnlisby8270]

my mom got a lot of judgment for being the older one in the relationship when she was married to my dad which still strikes me as weird, considering she was only a few months older. but, my dad's current wife is 10 years younger than him and people say nothing to him about it. it just kills me that society is so harsh to women if they're older than their partners but it's so normalized for women to be with men older than them.

[@mmps18]

Oh my goodness I feel this. People have called me a "cougar" and my marriage to my husband "age gap love" many many many times. He's 30 and I'm 31. We got together in our mid twenties. I wish I were joking.

[@NANA-jh8gs]

@@mmps18 “cougar” 🤦‍♂️ there’s only 1 ur difference. Then a man dating a women 1 yr younger must be a pedo by their logic 🙄🥴

[@colbalt95]

@@mmps18 its not uncommon...the way men are hardwired to bond/love is different from women. We remember our mate from the condition of which we first received her. It doesn't necessarily matter that you're older than him it's that you got him at a young age. However the Dynamics are different if y'all met at age 40 and 41. That's when men start naturally looking more attractive as we acquire more resources. He would be attractive to women in their 20s 30s and 40s but us younger men don't have options like a hot 18 year-old woman does

[@ing4gi]

lmao what?? Just for being a few months older wth

[@rutha2403]

That’s completely asinine!! People were passing judgement over a few months age difference??? So that means they were actually the same age for certain parts of the year! What is wrong with people…

[@shalinitiwariscorner5210]

A lot of gay men also get attracted to older men who they call " Silver Daddies". A lot of straight guys (both Doms & Subs) get attracted to older women who they call MILFs. And a lot of lesbians also get attracted to older women who they call " Mommies"!!! So, there is not point to slap the daddy issues stamp, exclusively on straight girls. Being attracted to maturity, experience, success and development with age is a very common and natural thing.

[@moonlightmikkyway]

As a straight woman I consider interesting to read this since there aren't a lot of people who shows queer experiences in these types of topics

[@bgschannel9357]

oh don't worry, "daddy issues" and "mommy issues" get thrown around like CRAZY in those circles too. not as crazily as here, probably, but crazily still.

[@yohann2768]

The great thing about your viedo is that when a contrapoint or an idea comes to my mind, you adress it in the 10 seconds that follows. This is excellent writing and development.

[@stassadar]

All this video so true. Im 6 years older than my boyfriend and people are quick to pass judgment and some even told my bf he’s good looking so he could find someone way younger than me

[@themangoman9315]

Damn that sucks I bet there just jealous of your love

[@junaidnizami7076]

Do you ever feel jealousy towards younger women, as in do you think that one of them will try and succeed in taking away your bf? and if so, does this insecurity get better as you get older, or worse? On a different note, I wish that people would encourage couples to stay together and build a deeper bond rather than encourage them to split up and find "better" people.

[@ravenmindful673]

My brother is currently dating his girlfriend who is one year older than him. Many of his friends didn't approve of his relationship, not because of maybe cultural differences or that sort, but because of the fact she was simply older than him. It was so disheartening. My brother was so hurt when he heard those words come out of the mouth of his friends. He was disappointed. What's ironic is that our uncles who are middle aged and married in good relationships were encouraging him and giving him good advice of building a life with her, adapt where he can and learn to take care of each other. None of them mentioned anything about her age. They just said that it was okay. Even my parents said it's okay. like bruh...

[@stassadar]

@@junaidnizami7076 not going to lie, I do ask myself sometimes why would he want to be with someone with me instead of someone more youthful. Im 31 and my bf just got 25 and I always see younger girls who wants to ask him out. But he makes me feel confident and never made any remark regarding my age. In the end you need to know your worth and have self confidence. I swear when I went in my 30’s had an mini depression, but thank god my partner is very supportive ! Also, took me time to realize, but 30 isnt old despite what society tells us

[@stassadar]

@@ravenmindful673 thats terrible, and those are not good supportive friends! I wish your brother and his girlfriend all the best

[@SarahGibsonXD]

As someone who dates men with a 6-10 year age gap consistently, older men are rarely as mature as we hope them to be. They’re boys with more money and status. A good man isn’t determined by age.

[@darklaw7635]

Age reduces the probability to be with a man that's immature. Just because you dated man child's doesn't mean the general man behaves that way

[@Takiki]

@@darklaw7635 girls should be dating boys in their same age category. girls are are more mature argument is stupid

[@bruiseleeroy7010]

@@darklaw7635 Sadly young girls dont learn from history. That age doesnt determine maturity in men. But the power of perception is strong for humans because we are more instinctual than we think If men preferred younger women because they are less likely to have a high body count that could be factually wrong right? Most young girls have tons of intimate experience, some before they are 16! On the flip side, women think an older man could be mentally and emotionally sound. When that can be further from the case in some instances But both sides have their percentages increased the higher or lower in age they go right? However that probability doesnt always work as intended because life is different for many people. The best we can do is generalize. Which is how we get statistics

[@AvgJane19]

@@Takiki very true... for girls. For grown women ie 21 and up, it's not your business and the judgement is misplaced.

[@Mimi-mq2wj]

So why do you date older men? If they’re not really offering the maturity you’re looking for?

[@popcornkindhearted3510]

As a young woman who has only dated older men, I had always been worried about not being able to control how my body ages. The older men praised me on how perky my body part was and how I'm skinnier than those older women. Worse even, they'd say that younger female genitalia is nicer. All that along with those advertisements that mostly feature young beautiful models with no wrinkles made me feel so scared of becoming older as if it'd mean that I'm less desirable and valued. It also made me feel enraged about the fact that I can't control my worth meanwhile it's easier for men to just get older and wealthier (which seems to be what's desired in the broad society). So thank you for making this video which reminds me of keep on reflecting on myself and know that my worth should be intrinsic rather than extrinsic.

[@janicefinch3563]

It's just natural that women become less physically attractive as we age. Think about it logically. Menopause means that women stop being able to reproduce. Why would it biologically make sense for men to be attracted to mates that can no longer reproduce. You shouldn't feel bad about nature. Don't feel enraged by things you can't control. Only focus on what you can control.

[@rhett3185]

Don’t blame men or society, it’s just how nature made humans. attractiveness is mostly correlated to peak fertility years, which for women is young (between 18-25 is peak) and men is a little bit older (but not excessively old, around 25-38). Nature uses ‘attractiveness’ to signify to the other sex if it’s ‘worth’ having and rearing children with the other sex. It doesn’t really matter how much effort is put into an older woman’s beauty, men will naturally choose women around the ages of 23 as the most attractive in general because they can have babies for longer and with less health issues. Men also face some issue with this, no one in the broader society likes or appreciates young guys because they have very little experience, resources, skills, status etc compared to men who have simply had more time to accumulate these things.

[@popcornkindhearted3510]

Honestly, blaming anybody is not the purpose of my comment. I study biology and psychology so I already had a great understanding of what you've put forth. The point is I can't change men nor the society, but I can change how I deal with this issue. I can choose to find my worth intrinsically instead of always asking for others to give me validations, as it's simply not sustainable. Despite having the choice, at times it is hard to not let this "perfectly natural" phenomenon of attraction between the sexes to bother me, which leads to my anger and despair. Yet, I hope we'd all acknowledge that the anger and despair is perfectly natural too, especially when most of us innately need a sense of belonging and self-worth in order to not just survive but thrive. Thus, when we realise that the society don't value us women or even men as much under certain circumstances, it is perfectly natural for any of us to feel uneasy. And what's wrong about voicing out my anger or despair in a reasonable manner? (which is not exactly what I was trying to do in my previous comment but I just think this is worth putting forth)

[@jongxina3595]

Tbh most men will never be wealthy. You just see the ones that are but most people are super poor.

[@minabotieso6944]

Men have the harder side of this situation. The main stat of this topic from a pew research study from February 2023 found that 30% of American women between the ages of 18-29 are single while its 60% for men at the same age. 60% This shouldn’t be a competition but it is. We all talk about women’s issues on a daily basis, the video focused on women while there’s a stigma around talking men’s issues and especially young men are in crisis at the moment

[@pennify2079]

As long as the younger person isn’t underage or an adult who first met the older person when they were still underage, I honestly don’t see a problem. My parents have a 20 year age gap and met when my mom was 30 and my dad 50, they’re now 53 and 73 and it’s totally fine. It would’ve also been fine had my dad been 30 or 40 year older. What wouldn’t have been is if she was 17 and he was 25. You see that what makes it bad is not the age gap but when people actually get groomed.

[@fatimahanwaar306]

you need help

[@pennify2079]

@@fatimahanwaar306 no you do if you’re forcing yourself into the relationship of two consenting adults telling them its wrong when in fact it really isn’t. If you’re both adults the age range is automatically not the problem but the personalities of you and your partner. I’m tired of y’all saying shit like “Leonardo Di Caprio is a groomer bc he only dates 25 yos”, you’re changing the meaning of a very strong and important word. As someone who’s been groomed, people misusing that term isn’t fun to see. You simply cant groom someone who isn’t underage and as long as he doesn’t date literal minors y’all shouldn’t be acting as if he is. 25 is more than legal.

[@fatimahanwaar306]

@@pennify2079 this isn't about "forcing oneself into the relationship" and you keep using the "two consenting adults" buzzword just to prove a point telling them it's wrong is common sense pretending like the age range is somehow not a problem but only the "personalities" between the partners also getting triggered over people calling male celebrities out for going after younger and younger women it IS predatory those male celebrities ARE groomers it's you who doesn't understand the actual meaning of the word "groomer" it's not only about children it's about anyone who is younger you using your own personal experiences doesn't mean anything saying "you simply can't groom someone who isn't underage as long as they don't date literal minors" is an illogical statement these relationships between celebrities ARE the reason why grooming is still prevalent age gap relationships are the cause for pedophilia this isn't about "legality" it's about morality stop being self entitled and grow up

[@-Scrapper-]

@@pennify2079 there's usually a big difference culturally between generations

[@fatimahanwaar306]

@@-Scrapper- exactly! and there's misogynists saying that women shouldn't be upset if men leave them for younger women

[@potatowithgooglyeyes2458]

as a society, we somehow think that women should be with older men. Women are told that “men who are older will treat you better,” which is not always the case. These types of relationships always creeps me out.

[@junaidnizami7076]

@@stephany6417 To each their own

[@fatimahanwaar306]

finally someone with facts and logic

[@angygremlin4423]

Something else that nobody seems to mentions is that when these kinds of relationships go bad, they go often REALLY bad for the younger woman. Older men with more resources, respect, and connections can make leaving an abusive relationship a living Hell, especially if there are children involved. There might a much older man out there who will treat you very well but there are plenty more that are ready to make your life miserable and it isn't always worth taking the risk unless you have a backup plan in case things get ugly. I've always found it funny that when an older woman consistently goes after younger men, people are quick to call her a cougar or a predator, but that kind of judgement is oftentimes not extended to men when it seems like this kind of abuse is more common in the latter dynamic (even if that is just because relationships between older men/younger women are more common). I feel that ANYONE who who consistently has relationships with much younger people is at least suspect (even if they aren't guaranteed to be a predator/abusive/toxic) because if they weren't predatory/abusive/toxic they likely would have been able to keep a relationship with one of the people they've dated instead of chasing after barely legal/much younger prospective partners for years. It gets to a point where it's a pattern and they didn't just "happen to fall in love with someone younger" and it's often the hallmark of an abusive, predatory person. It's sad to see that people don't seem to care about this whenever the older party is a man.

[@simonstory29]

@@fatimahanwaar306 what facts?

[@fatimahanwaar306]

@@simonstory29 that this idea that older men would treat younger women better isn't always the case

[@everychannel1025]

So to leave something here. I'm a 19 year old male and almost always when I talk about dating with same age female friends they tell me, they wouldn't date someone their age. But then another time tell me how they think its weird when a guy goes for younger girls. I'm always dumbfounded at this logic

[@Zoe-sn9tb]

@Yak SO TRUE

[@jolp9799]

@Yak dude you're in all these comments being so bitter lol, go start an alpha male podcast you're wasting your talent

[@mafumofu986]

Hypergamy

[@elladnhm4324]

Yeah lol, I’d definitely say it’s a self-destructive behavior

[@GR-gk5xs]

@Yak You definitely stutter when speaking to women in real life

[@jacobchapman1348]

Bruhhhhh, your outfits are always on point..

[@kovala]

It’s actually amazing how wise you are. I wish I would have had that wisdom at your age.

[@mary1353]

as someone happily in an age gap relationship, i find the most important thing is to acknowledge and stay aware of the power imbalances. the red flag is not an age gap relationship itself, but how the couple treats their age gap. you start go get into trouble when you ignore the possibility of manipulation and think your relationship is no different from everybody else's

[@simonaslavikova1178]

this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@stevebarcia5945]

Very well said! I am happily in a large age gap relationship, and I don’t do any of these negatives to my partner. We are equals regardless of age and her goals and ambitions are as important as mine.

[@TheAlien_in_your_backyard]

This! Manipulation! I dated and older man, he was good at first but when I started trusting him and he got comfortable he started treating me like stupid, like I was immature which I am but not stupid, when at first when he wanted to get with me he always told me I was so mature for my age, that he had a connection with me and that he couldn’t even have a normal serious conversation with women his age 😂, he’s a clown. That’s what he told me at first, at the end of the relationship he started acting rude, fighting with me just because I didn’t want to have sex because I’m a virgin and I want to stay like this, he got angry, little by little raising his voice bc I didn’t sleep with him and started manipulating me saying s-hit like “why would I go all the way to visit you if I can have sex, it’s not worth it because I want to go out to have fun with you and have sex”. He’s a f creep, I found out he was sleeping with prostitutes, drug addict prostitutes behind my back while talking so highly of himself being different from other men because he was one of the good men 😂 Women under 25 should never date 30+ older men, NEVER! Please listen, it won’t work, maybe you’ll think it’s working but he’s actually manipulating you and making you think it’s ok to date him and make you do things or think a certain way.

[@simonaslavikova1178]

@@TheAlien_in_your_backyard Omg im so sorry! That must've been horrible... hope he eats shit now:DD

[@Juststudiothings]

@@TheAlien_in_your_backyard Your experience sounds horrible and your ex definitely acted like a creep, but it's not fair to tell women who they should or shouldn't date. truthfully a 5-10 year age gap isn't necessarily a bad thing and not every man over 30 is a trashcan. This was a particular instance, and I'm sure there are others like it, but again, it's important to recognize that your ex isn't "every man" over 30. I know plenty of people for whom that sort of age gap worked just fine. also 24 and 31 for example, doesn't need to be a huge deal. Anyway I wish you all the best- and maybe to find a good therapist to help you deal with the negative experiences you've had. Take care xx

[@kcsnipes]

I’m an older guy with no money! I am breaking this stereotype 🙌

[@fatimahanwaar306]

GOOD!

[@TwistedLullabies]

Most older people aren't that wealthy or have a staus of significance

[@fatimahanwaar306]

@@TwistedLullabies exactly

[@NickolaySheitanov]

My man

[@CuanZ]

@@TwistedLullabies But often more than their younger counterparts surely

[@tyleryoast8299]

Thanks for tackling a taboo issue in a level-headed, measured way. Our culture has become so addicted to outrage it's difficult to speak forthrightly about the actual, complicated dynamics in our relationships, and it becomes much easier to label and shame anything that disrupts our little boxes we make for ourselves. It seems so strange to me that even as we say that society and culture is progressing, it feels like we take shame and judgement as our starting point.

[@fatimahanwaar306]

there's only "taboo" against the criticism against age gap relationships

[@drotegu6]

Very detailed discussion with lots of points. Would love to see you on the whatever podcast or something similar, you could bring a much needed aspect to the conversation.

[@lavalu1137]

As a Kenyan I’m happy you’re talking about this bc it’s literally so common place for this to happen and they literally call the old man a “sponsor” and we’ve become so desensitized to it that it’s a comedy skit on Kenyan KZbin I find it very predatory in my country especially because them being richer makes it harder to hold them accountable in society and in the law because some of the time these relationships aren’t really consensual

[@oliSUNvia]

omg i did not know they would be called "sponsors"

[@pumpkicheeks3292]

Im also kenyan and I confirm it's true.....nairobi smh

[@iamapieceofcandy]

I’m Tanzanian and I completely agree with you! The song Suzanna by Sauti Sol really touches on this!

[@angel127_]

purr 🇰🇪 🇰🇪

[@mitatf]

Like sugar daddyrism?

[@mayavati912]

I think it’s only gets alarming when they actually want to date a person of a certain age instead of being attracted to some who happens to be that age

[@sliceofpie1741]

Ur talking about me. I'm attracted to those old guys

[@kaiyodei]

that is why i live in torture. I just can't do it. i want to scream, cry and bash my head aginst the wall asking my self why I really don't find them attractive. I need a lot of growing up and I don't think I ever will. this is why I feel very sad for people with pedophilic attraction disorder. like the ones who are tortrued by their feelings, desires, attraction.

[@mayavati912]

@@sliceofpie1741 no like are u attracted to them cause they are old or because you like them but they are old

[@mayavati912]

@@kaiyodei wait what do you mean no offence

[@krakou2]

@@kaiyodei omg I hope that is just sarcasm. Live your best life as long as the other one is legal

[@BillEyelash]

found you today and have been binge watching for 3 hours

[@personifeye]

Whether it being written or improvised, you articulate not only yourself, but social issues as well in an appreciated appropriate manner. Thank you, for your take on these things and listening twice as much as you speak and listen as if you're ignorant but speak as if you're competent. Your awareness of reality and objective human existence is noticed and you are doing far better than a great job

[@slavmetal]

All the men I've known who pursue much younger women only have a facade of stability and maturity, under which you find a mess of emotional issues and immaturity.

[@mitatf]

Indeed, my brother says women his age are already pregnant or compromised so he "has" to aim younger

[@starrilysky]

Thank you for this comment! It always irks me how everyone says that older men are more mature and such, which is an aspect I disliked about this video. Many older men are actually immature.

[@slavmetal]

@@starrilysky Right, age definitely does not guarantee maturity.

[@alvariuztheplug5728]

Define immaturity

[@Account.for.Comment]

So like every human in the planet. I found men actively pursuing much younger women pathetic but expecting maturity is setting up a beauty standards. Ability to provide is considered maturity to many despite it can be simply luck.

[@adrianazashen]

When I was a teen, i fantasized over being validated by an older man. Creeps will take advantage of the "mature for her age" girls. Glad this is being talked about more often

[@lavonnealexander6936]

I one of those girls, I am so happy, I got out of that phase.

[@simba8665]

Who cares

[@iconictiktoks5586]

@@simba8665 you should.

[@simba8665]

@@iconictiktoks5586 men are only creeps when, when they are not easy on the eye or poor. And young girls will forever have crushes on older men, because they literally run the world (tv shows, movies, music etc). Its be been like that like forever

[@iconictiktoks5586]

@@simba8665 what? you can’t be serious? honey, there’s a study that most “creeps” or predators are normal-looking, normal-acting people. that is how they lower in their prey. a young girl isn’t gonna willingly go to a strange man. it’s literally a psychological fact that psychopaths have charisma and good conversation skills + are typically attractive so that they can blend in. 💀

[@ProjectAtlass22]

This is my new go to channel for real talk/social insight. Love the format, big fan of editing Olivia.

[@w4lker]

This video was really informative and thought-provking. The presenter explored the topic of age-gap relationships and how power dynamics and gender norms can influence them. It was interesting to learn about the percepions and stereotypes associated with such relationships. The presenter's passion and knowlege about the subject were evident throughout the video. I apprecaited how she highlighted the importanc of challenging societal expectations and valuing oneself in relationships. Overall, it was a great video that sparked meaningful discussions. I enjoyd watching it and look forwrad to more content like this in the next month

[@KayleeCee]

When I was in my late teens and early 20s I pretty much exclusively dated older men, mostly because I believed the things discussed in this video. I thought that older men were more mature and established, and that guys my own age/younger were less mature and therefore unworthy. When I was 25 my boyfriend, who was 39 at the time, broke up with me because he "wanted to be alone", whatever that means. Shortly after I began dating a coworker who I had been friends with for awhile. He was 21, so 4 years younger than me. I was a little hesitant about dating someone younger since I had never really done so before, especially not someone 4 years younger. But I had known him for a couple of years by then, and we got along great, so I decided to give it a chance. It was like night and day. He seemed so free and happy. He didn't have tons of baggage from past relationships (or marriages and divorces, in a couple of my exes cases). He didn't have self esteem issues or act super possessive of me in front of other men. He had plans for pursuing opportunities rather than seeming "settled" and set in his ways. He was fun and light hearted. It must have been a good choice, because it has been almost 12 years since I made that choice and we're still together. Some women find happiness with an older partner, and that's awesome. But it didn't work out for me.

[@A.Ether.]

Great depiction on your perspective of dating an older man

[@AlicedeTerre]

Hell yeah

[@Emilianateicheira]

Thats such a cute story I wish you and your boyfriend a lot of happiness

[@umut967]

Well, you were 25 not 18 or 19. So your relationship was normal. But you were unlucky I guess. Your old bf was problematic. I think people see as a problem when a girl is 18-22 and her bf is 30+. Problem is not man's age actually. This is about personality. However if a man older than 30 and still dates girls who under 20, this would be creepy. Like I said if you are 25 or older, you are already adult. You can be someone at any age. Age gap is not a problem.

[@velvet123]

This is true - I noticed that a lot of this older guys have a lot of baggage. They seem also bitter and stuck in their own ways.

[@allyli1718]

I was talking with my friends about how it’s weird that girls like older men, that it’s a weird societal norm, and they were asking me “well don’t you want someone who can take care of you?” Uh maybe both partners should take care of each other! Mind blowing, apparently. It’s so weird that we’ve made a paternalistic relationship ideal when we should want one between equals.

[@chai_lattes]

I think it's so sad that a lot of women have internalized paternalistic views. My friends are the same. They're also very traditional when it comes to gender roles. I definitely want to find someone who will support me as much as I support them.

[@jiyama]

this honestly. as much as possible, i want someone i can balance with. we help each other and grow together as a person

[@Chuck.Mast3r]

Exactly. If we're being honest with ourselves it has a lot to do with our narcissistic culture of wanting it all. I see a lot of women at the moment that say gender roles are bad but while they wish to be absolved of their roles they still hold men to the role of provider, initiator, etc. How is that "equal"? Equal is like you said equal support.

[@katybee3891]

@@Chuck.Mast3r what are you talking about? Most women have a full time job, take care of the household and invest more time and money into looking attractive. If anything it’s the other way around. Men expect women to have long hair and wear makeup, remove hair from their body, and then they act like it’s unfair if they are expected to at least pay for a date.

[@Chuck.Mast3r]

@@katybee3891 In the US, unemployment for women is still higher than that of men, and I'd imagine that many guys take care of their household too just as women do. I would definitely agree that women put more effort into looks, but guys don't care much about the fashion/accessories as much as women think we do. Most could care less that you had your nails done or hair is down to your waist. Guys care far more about the shape/size of a woman opposed to the extras, yet there's a higher percentage of obese women in relation to men. The accessories are what most of the money goes toward, and saying that you care about the fashion shouldn't make a man liable to pay for a mutually agreed on date (despite personally doing it anyways). That entitlement is no different than a guy who thinks he's obligated sex after paying for the date. Let me ask this... if a guy dressed his best, shaved, got a clean haircut, bought a clean watch, and ultimately did more grooming should that mean that the woman is now entitled to pay for the date? It should be a simple "yes" with your standards if we're being fair. I know your rebuttal will be along the lines of "but they don't" but then let's switch it up to a fit man and an obese woman. Who pays in that scenario according to your logic and why? I mean he could've spent years getting that body versus the couple of hours she spent on makeup. Equality is expecting both genders to make the first move. Equality is normalizing stay at home fathers. Equality is paying 50/50 split on bills regarding dates. Equality is both genders not feeling to entitled to something from the other gender based on what they value. It's both genders taking responsibility when a baby is born. It's not a hard concept to understand unless you're unwilling to acknowledge that you feel entitled to more in some areas. The only exception should be biological reasons tied to pregnancy. If you swap the genders for controversial scenarios and you have differing expectations that's called a double standard. And double standards shouldn't be acceptable if we want actual equality. But it doesn't seem you want that.

[@zaldabus]

I clicked on this thinking it was going to be some light-hearted buzzfeed-esque piece on the age gap stereotypes often seen in celebrity relationships, only to be presented with a well constructed, thought provoking break down of common relationship dynamics in male-female intimate relationships. I may not agree 100% with every point that was made in this video, but I thoroughly enjoyed the discourse and am curious to see your thoughts on other topics. Liked and subscribed.

[@danishawhite3419]

I think your examination and examples are spot on. I was engaged the entire video!

[@MrT4ngo]

My ex is 7 years older than me, so you can imagine my face of surprise when she asked me out on a date. I was 21 she was 28 at the time. Never did I once think that a woman close to 30 would find a dude younger than her brother attractive. And let me tell you there was a stigma. Not so much on her part but on mine. We had met through work and many of my co-workers were concerned that I was too immature for her and I would end up getting “bored” with her and eventually cheat. Nope. I actually liked dating someone that had their life a little more put together and we ended up moving in together(her idea). Funny part is that she ended up cheating on me. Such is life.

[@nuggystan9128]

i didnt expect a shitty ending lmfao i hope ur well

[@dav3578]

I was expecting that ending since now u guys arent together anymore but god damn thats sucks

[@goatkoala573]

Damn that sucks , sorry dude

[@davecullins1606]

So, ironically, SHE was the one to see you as just a toy.

[@MrT4ngo]

@@nuggystan9128 I’m chilling I appreciate the sentiment but I understand some people are just a part of your life to teach you. And unfortunately those lessons come with pain sometimes.

[@actuallyrubyleaf]

The interesting thing is that all the "benefits" to dating older men that you listed off actually feel like downsides to me. I'm 22, and like most early twentysomethings I don't quite have my life together yet. If I were to date an older guy who does, I would constantly worry that he won't be able to relate to my situation anymore, think less of me or outright patronize me. Same goes for significantly more experience, sure, that person will likely mess up less but I fear they might hold that experience over my head and try to shape me into their ideal partner or something. Partners should be equals, and if I can't grow together with mine, I don't want them, thank you.

[@cuddlemuffin.9545]

He can relate since he already been through it and figrued it out

[@EC-yw5hg]

@@cuddlemuffin.9545 By that logic people in their 30s should be able to date 14 year olds 😊 since they were 14 once, right? How absurd.

[@kevinhayden2260]

@@EC-yw5hg I feel like thats a litle bit of a straw man though.

[@caroguerra44]

I totally get what ur saying and agree!

[@starrilysky]

Omg exactly!! I am 19 now with VERY little life experience and for me it would be very intimidating and very uncomfortable to be involved with someone older that has a lot more experience. It wouldn't be a positive for me, I would just feel like a naïve child next to them - and like you said, I'd be scared/worried that they'd hold my limited life experience over my head and be condescending and patronizing about it or find me stupid or something akin to that. (edited to correct grammar/spelling mistakes)

[@sofia-hm3sm]

i LOVE your video essays

[@michaelgrover1]

pretty eye opening stuff, thanks!

[@witchplease9695]

Liz Gillies relationship grosses me out. He knew her when she was a kid too. You can’t convince me most of these young women aren’t grooming victims.

[@fatimahanwaar306]

even if she was a young adult it should also be considered as grooming

[@tolor8180]

Especially the brain isn’t even fully developed and matured till the age of 25-27

[@EduardoFlores-bt4fo]

@@fatimahanwaar306 now you are crazy

[@fatimahanwaar306]

@@EduardoFlores-bt4fo how exactly do you think I'm being crazy? stop normalizing age gaps and using the "legal adults" excuse isn't going to do anything

[@EduardoFlores-bt4fo]

@@fatimahanwaar306 at 18 or 21 you don't get "groomed", you can get manipulated, but not groomed. I should know, I was manipulated by an older woman, but that is different than grooming. YOU are the one that should stop cheapening the concept of grooming, weirdo.

[@hellosarah_]

Thank you for discussing how certain phrases such as daddy issues doing nothing but add unneeded humor to a very serious issues

[@paulalopez7819]

I totally agree! And I always considered it as a way of deviating the attention on the teenage girl/ young woman's issues rather than focusing on the old creep who's taking advantage of her

[@rudy1999]

@@paulalopez7819 Why be with a granny if I can be with a young woman? You are so stupid.

[@bruiseleeroy7010]

@@paulalopez7819 One thing I never understood is that we can let a 16-17yr old girl drive but when it comes to who she picks to open her legs to she's not responsible for that decision? Dont get me wrong, the older man should know better and not go for someone underage. At the very least verify she is 18 then its free game according to the law It just seems we hold the man solely responsible when we need to also teach our young girls better and parents need to step in and talk them out of pursuing older men

[@paulalopez7819]

@@bruiseleeroy7010 I get what you are saying and I agree with you in some points but I also think driving and having a relationship (young girl/woman + older man in this case) are totally different things: you can be a really good driver and also be prone to manipulation and be tricked to do things that you don't really want to do. On the other hand, like I said, I agree with you with the following part. We have to educate our young girls and their families (and general population of course) about predatory behaviour. And just like Olivia says in her video: women have choices. We have freedom to change things. Some of them may believe they don't and that's a problem. I'm not saying "blame it 100% on the older man" and never said women didn't have any responsibility at all. My point is that these "daddy issues" jokes, plus a lot of cultural myths (eg. older women are less desirable/women need a providing man/boys are more immature than girls so an older man will be more mature/and so on), some movies/books/songs that romanticise these situations, all these factors send a message (which is very common to believe in your teens) about how having "daddy issues" is a cool thing and sort of hide the fact that behind a girl with "daddy issues" there's an older man who's taking advantage of that situation. Also, I feel like society praises the older man for being with a younger woman and that's part of the problem too. If these men weren't predators in the first place, these situations of abuse just wouldn't happen, but we don't live in an ideal world and sadly, I think they'll always exist. Luckily, this is a topic that's being more talked about, and there's still a long way to go, but with the reach social media has, even more people will be informed about it, and hopefully these young girls and women will have more tools when facing a situation like this.

[@bruiseleeroy7010]

@@paulalopez7819 I agree with you that it does need to be talked about more. Im kinda sad you dont see the disconnect between letting underage people drive but withholding responsibility for who girls give their time to is absurd.

[@michaelf7093]

At some point we have to decide if an 18 year old woman has the agency to make her own personal decisions. If yes, then there's nothing wrong with a relationship between an older man and a younger woman. If no, then why should we allow them emancipation and political franchise? Given we often hear that women mature faster than men, why shouldn't we allow young women to choose their partners, since we certainly allow 18 year old men to sign up to die for their country.

[@michan8093]

Despite there being a huge difference between forbidding women to date older men and criticizing a larger social trend where older men fetishize and seek out young women not only for their physical youth but also their mental pliability, I think you're onto something here, bro. I'm sure, however, it's not that women shouldn't have rights (also newsflash you have nothing to allow here a lot of women already have these rights and generally where they don't there are also fewer rights for men).And maybe 18-year-olds shouldn't be allowed to go to war, seeing that we know historically and scientifically that they are more vulnerable to military propaganda and stupid behaviour.

[@eiskaltertorjaeger]

thats one hell of an argument. will keep these lines in mind, thank you buddy.

[@eliteteamkiller319]

We've already decided that as a society and the answer we decided upon is yes.

[@marcosmanzano7190]

we’ve already decided they do. The issue isn’t one of legality but morality because the two aren’t linked as well as most people would like them to be. The fact is that at 18 years old your brain isn’t fully developed and on a moral standpoint people who are old enough to be your parent should not be actively pursuing you in any romantic fashion regardless of you being an adult legally. In my opinion this even extends to someone who’s about 5-10 years older than you as well

[@markc.7984]

Insightful, and many good points. I'm struck though, that it all falls under the category of "personal relationships as business partnerships," where it's about what each person is getting out of it, otherwise they'll leave to find a "more desirable" partner. What also exists, and doesn't seem to me to be touched on much at all by the various components mentioned, is the idea of two people, you know, actually loving each other. I.e. knowing each other, respecting, admiring, trusting, enjoying the company of, and wanting the best for each other. There can be all manner of factors - interracial relationships, cultural or background differences between the partners, etc. as well as age differences; while those all bring different experiences for each partner, any of them or other kinds of challenges (financial, illness, etc.etc.) are things that any couple needs to weather, and use as an opportunity to grow together, because of how each person values the other. If my partner shares similar values to me, is attractive to me, is smart, passionate about something in her life, is heathy and growing as a person, and I just get a kick out of her personality - and she feels those same things for me - then those various factors and the differences they bring get reduced in significance.

[@ayeshamunawar2516]

Also in many cultures women after 25 are considered too old 🤢 as if you are a product who has passed it's expiration date

[@NobodyImportant5]

As far as children are concerned, its true

[@kaiyodei]

Christmas cake!

[@kaiyodei]

@@sidney6522 how many times should one see a man to see if they fall for him? and then if it's wise to be taking it to another level, of time to then say "yes we are officially a couple"? 5 chances, 5 dates of eating and hanging out for 3 hours. and of course "i'll tell you when I am ready i will show you when I am ready to let you just touch me in any way" I feel like I want realtionship. but I'm touch averse. I don't want this. but then I don't think an overly affectionate man is good. nor is a hands off boyfriend, like having a hands off pet. you can enjoy your finch without cuddles, or your pet jellyfish....pet cobra...whatever.

[@nklumia]

I like mild😂😂

[@manicpepsicola3431]

@@mafumofu986 men only date younger women because women their age don't want anything to do with them so they talk crap about women their age because they can't manipulate them the same way

[@fennaloomans1766]

My boyfriend is 1,5 years younger than me and when my grandparents found out they were like: omg really? wow! thats so different, he’s so young. But when my brother had a girlfriend of 4 years younger they didn’t say anything about it. We are taught from a young age that the “man” should always be older than the woman in a relationship. That’s so weird.

[@rivervixens06]

ugh this is still happening in my ‘environment’. Men needs to be richer, taller, bulkier, older than women.

[@jojothesage8575]

@@rivervixens06 men are generally bulkier and taller than women thats just nature

[@markigirl2757]

This is leftover from the time when young girls were married off to much older men for families to make money since she was more likely able to give birth for longer periods bc she isn’t too “old”

[@NickolaySheitanov]

Your grandparents are dumb change em

[@kingkazuma2239]

1.5 years or 15 years?

[@danackroydsbutt]

Here's some food for thought: I've been in a 19-year age gap relationship for 5 years now. It's looking like I'm going to be the breadwinner (I am the younger girl). Even though it's perfectly normal for women to work less or give up their job when the man is able to earn more, my partner actually struggles with the idea of working less once we have children, fearing loss of his independence. My point is that the key issue in these age-gap relationships is the role of 'provider' the older man takes on. The one who 'provides' has power over the other half of the relationship. It's completely normalized that the man provides for his family, and an older man can more easily provide for a younger woman, as pointed out in this video. Another commenter wrote that older men who pursue younger women do it because they are more insecure, and I think this relates to their provider role. I don't think this is the case in my relationship (he doesn't make that much money so he'll be glad I'll be making my own :p), but I think this is a problem in many heterosexual relationships, which is only amplified in age-gap relationships. Women need to learn they can provide for themselves; men need to learn that they can have value to women without being overtly rich or whatever (and yes, women have a part in this last aspect too).

[@jitterrypokery1526]

Bruh

[@WHOTHAFUCK]

Well written. My parents had almost the same exact situation when they met. They had a 20 year age gap, but were a "perfect" couple in every way. The communication, emotional support and economical teamwork led them to have a great life together, including good kids (like me) who are well educated and settled now too. There was no toxicity, power imbalance or anything overly/primitively sexual about it. They met under very casual cirumstances and after 7 years they had their first kid. It was all very well thought through (my mother is a very rational and smart woman, who simply loved my dad for who he was - a emotionally intelligent and intellectual guy). All this shaming here really disturbs me. I get that its not "common" or "normal", my parents even acknowledged this themselves. It was not a "preference" on any side, even though my mother admitted to always liking older men more. But to shame perfectly happy and supportive couples, who truly love each other, marry and stay together till the end - is beyond me. Check yourself, people. I am mad about redpill men who take scenarios like this to degrade older women and i hope this is the only reason for the new "hate" here. I for myself dated a ten year older woman and i prefer same age women as a whole, so in no way i want to "normalize" or glorify large age gaps. Im just saying - they should not initially be met with such disdain when the individuals in it consent to it and are healthy and happy. My parents were, and even now that my dad died 5 years ago, i still capitalize everyday from the harmony and love we had/have as a family. I love you mom and dad. Thanks for the happy family life we had. I want this too and i dont care if the woman is older, younger or same age. I just want to find the same harmony and love. cheers

[@fatimahanwaar306]

@@WHOTHAFUCK there's no such thing as a "perfect couple" with a 20 year age gap you're delusional

[@fatimahanwaar306]

@@WHOTHAFUCK there's no "happiness" in an age gap relationship if you're going to outlive your partner and vice versa

[@fatimahanwaar306]

@ChrisJones-ek2gm exactly!

[@Dialga9187]

I think there needs to be a long-form discussion about how maturity actually occurs in life. Because personally, I feel like I'm about 40 while also feeling like I'm about 16. I have parts of my life that I am mature in, but other parts where I'm still woefully immature. I would feel at ease dating a 40 year-old (but it wouldn't last probably) or an 18 year-old (but again, it probably wouldn't last). The reasons it wouldn't last would be because our personalities don't mix, which is an entirely separate issue to be honest. I am not sure how to find someone who meshes with my personality exactly, and dating apps and the like are not helping.

[@Dialga9187]

@@aaronlc7948 Never had kids, and frankly I don't want kids or pets until I feel like I'd actually care about taking care of someone other than either myself or my parents (who are getting older these days)

[@Cruz474]

I agree. Maturity is a buzzword in these conversations and I feel it's way to nuanced for anyone to understand. From personal experience I know that my own maturity is very fluid and malleable. There really is no answer. I was in a age gap relationship and it was both our first relationships. You will share a stage with people of all ages. What matters is how well you get along with someone. I'm 23. I don't care if they are 35 or 18. It depends entirely on the personality. I see someone's age and form prejudices yes, but never am I going to deny/approve someone because of age only. Is it more likely that an 18 year old is going to irritate me more than a 23-30 year old? yes...but anything is possible when it comes to peoples personalities...Everyone likes to recklessly assume age gaps are malicious. An age gap relationship is like playing on hard mode. If you can't tell whether or not someone's going to take advantage of you then it's not going to matter whether or not it's an age gap, you are going to have a bad time in every relationship, particularly age gaps.

[@OldSchopenhauer]

"Maturity" is a euphemism for money and social status.

[@fatimahanwaar306]

@@Cruz474 "consent" "choice" and "autonomy" are also being used as buzzwords to defend age gap relationships

[@Dialga9187]

@@mthom0516 I'm not comparing myself to how I was at 16, I'm comparing myself more generally to 16 year-olds and 40 year-olds in an abstract sense in order to more accurately describe how maturity ought to be discussed, that is to say, not linearly nor necessarily in a way that allows all parts of your mind to progress at once. I know more these days, but not in ways that have let me progress in the most traditional sense of the word.

[@YungHustla218]

As a dude this stuff is definitely eye opening. When women and men discuss social issues they are clouded by the fog of socially imposed gender dynamics. Also we tend to get tribal and want to defend “our side”. To hear such a nuanced perspective is really interesting. Way better content than those alpha dude podcasts that say money and power is all a man can and should offer while a woman should offer submission. I feel like most of the best advice I’ve ever gotten has been from women. Keep it up ladies

[@YungHustla218]

Also my mom is a year older than my dad and they have a great marriage

[@fatimahanwaar306]

@@YungHustla218 good

[@kyle4563]

@@YungHustla218 My mom is 5 years older than my dad And it kinda seems that way since my dad seems a little more immature than my mom

[@kickrocksent3207]

@@kyle4563 immature in what way exactly?

[@kyle4563]

@@kickrocksent3207 Things like pranks, not taking things seriously at times when he needs to, farts in the car and laughs and locks the window so we gotta be quick to roll it down, overall nothing bad but just immature Actually a lot a more immature, whereas my mom is way mature

[@fridasaavedra8460]

As someone who's family is full of age differences between couple I notices that women get so much shame for dating younger men. My grandmother was 10 years older than my grandpa and his family insulted her (she was also a widow so that didn't help her either) for doing it even when he was an grown ass adult by that point (he had 3 kids before her but he was in his mid 20s). However, my dad is seven years older than my mom and nobody said something and I was like ¿?¿? ¿? All the people in these examples were adults but for some reason you act weird when it's a women.

[@gummy5862]

I mean, it was a very traditional culture; the dude has been married with two kids by his mid twenties. That’s abnormal in this day and age. Tell me, what are the odds that a 35 year olds woman circa 30-50 years ago would give birth to a healthy child? Or even multiple healthy children? There’s also the idea of being able to “do better” in a relationship; unfortunately women’s value in dating goes down as they age past about 25 or so. The family felt that your grandpa could do “better” than a woman 10 years his senior. (At that time, I’m sure marrying someone ten years YOUNGER would’ve been acceptable and preferable.) All in all, just be grateful we live in a time period that’s a bit more progressive and being older than your man is slowly but surely becoming less taboo.

[@mitatf]

Yeah,it's like women are "dated" when they get older so men have to aim towards their age or younger, whereas men become more "mature", "experienced", etc, when they age.

[@marianistor8163]

@@gummy5862 lol are you aware that old fathers give diseases too?

[@gummy5862]

@@marianistor8163 Lol do you not understand the context of what I’m trying to say? 🤪

[@theinvinciblewinner]

It’s called patriarchy and gender roles. Disgusting.

[@nikoljasminesahraiova5250]

Oh my god! I am in a age gap relationship and I knew that something was wrong lately, but I couldn't name it or say what exactly is wrong and you just described it perfectly! Thank you so much

[@sevenlines2238]

I’m a guy who only dates women older than me… even since my teenage years. I always felt like there was a serious maturity gap between me and partners younger than me. Or they clearly wanted something FROM me instead of me as a person. As if I was just an empty canvas for them to project their idealistic image of a man onto. It just immediately felt unhealthy and imbalanced for me. These were just my experiences though.

[@lightningbolt4419]

You’re just a beta male.

[@Al-ji4gd]

Sure....

[@humansvd3269]

All women want something from men. Full stop. You only date over women, because its easier to acquire.

[@svsv1191]

yeah hes lying or gay/simp@@Al-ji4gd

[@gabelincoln3608]

Clown

[@apocalypseready6256]

I think a large part of the appeal of age gap relationships is rooted in the history of, well, women. People forget young girls were often conditioned to believe that older men were more stable, providing, and well-rounded to justify large power imbalances and pedophilia. Because straight women (in a heternormative generalization) tend to value more holistic aspects of relationships-mostly out of historical necessity and financial dependency-the youth/appearance of a man was only a small factor in a long list of them: ability to support a family, career, “maturity”, family name, etc… these are vast overgeneralizations, but it functions as an overview of ideal (and upperclass) patriarchal systems. Whereas men valued women for three sole reasons; their beauty, child rearing capabilities, and subservience. This cultural trend never truly disappeared, it simply transformed. Social double standards in development stages often result in accelerated emotional maturation of girls in comparison to their male counterparts, which reinforces their opinion that older men are better. Plus the influence of society telling girls they should be attracted to older men, for all the reasons stated above. Edit: I wanna also wanna add Hollywood has a huge bone to pick with aging women. This subconsciously contributes to the culture of age gap relationships. When most of the media a girl is consuming involves a very young woman with an older man, it’s going to influence her preferences. Just the other day, o was watching Popeye the Sailor and was astounded at the blatant age difference in Olive Oil and Popeye; and while people may have plausible deniability that it’s a kid’s show, it becomes a lot creepier when taking into account the stories are written by aging and old men. And this isn’t an isolated incident by any means-most films cast women 10 - 20 years, if not more, younger than their male partners (ex. The new James Bond movie literally cast a romantic interest that could be his daughter’s age). Combined with the fact that society fetïshizès female youth to a nearly ped ophilic degree (ex. Betty Boop being literally 14 with a child’s face and somehow a pinnacle of sèx appeal), it’s not coming out of left freaking field that girls are commonly attracted to older men. It’s designed by them, for them. No, I don’t think looking like an underage teenager is the height of my séxûal maturation, but apparently society does.

[@fatimahanwaar306]

so true! (hey I've seen you before on Shanspeare's video on Daddy Issues where you wrote the comment about overprotective fathers interfering with their daughters' relationships with boys in their age group)

[@merryberry6576]

Holy fuck

[@theblondeone181]

@@fatimahanwaar306 duuude I’ve seen that exact comment over there too! Small world, the internet is :)

[@tiagogodinho4210]

I’ll play devil’s advocate here and say that there seems to be a trend to attribute too much of our behaviour to simply societal expectations and external factors. In fact, there are consistent differences in mating preferences between both genders across all cultures in the sense that males tend to value visual aspects (which some are cultural dependant and others aren’t) way more while women value things like auditory cues, attention from others, long-term ability to provide etc. and from what I know the age gap between partners actually seems to get smaller the more societies develop but that could be solely because of faster-moving cultures. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to change as I don’t think just saying “It’s natural just let it be” is a good enough excuse but we shouldn’t put it all on outside factors. I’m no expert btw if you want to learn more look up Andrew Huberman’s podcast with Dr. David Buss and I believe he has a great book as well.

[@ilana8153]

This!!! Women by several generations have been brainwashed oppressed and forces to these beliefs just to benefit men and protect pedophiles, the whole system is created to benefit men and protect pedos/predators.

[@nataliaalmeida-nacillustra5954]

When I think about me in my teens, I see now how much of a child I was and I thought I was such a grown up. If you're a young girl, know this: a guy in his 40s that says you're too mature for your age or that seem to treat you as "an adult" has a lot more problems than you realize.

[@yaa930]

@DDream 1986 They're talking about much younger girls (probably in their teens) and older men saying they are "too mature for their age" is usually in the context of taking advantage of them sexually. Why are you projecting?

[@JediTiga]

Your old and young women are doing the same thing you did. Stop trying to manipulate them because you're bitter.

[@strawberryfox8819]

@@JediTiga Manipulate them into being more aware of the people who would try to take advantage of their underdeveloped brains due to their young age? Bro, are you okay?

[@JediTiga]

@@strawberryfox8819 If they were underdeveloped they wouldn't be adults. They wouldn't be allowed to make adult decisions for themselves or be considered adults under the law.

[@diorgirl8523]

@@JediTiga the brain isn’t fully developed until 25 lmfao, young adults are often naive and eventually learn through experiences. idk why men love to call older women “bitter” for trying to warn younger women of experiences they’ve gone through themselves. Interesting phenomenon

[@MrDalebenberger]

Your assessment is of value. It’s quite good.

[@muhammadyusuf8541]

What a refined and insightful video. Thanks so much for sharing this

[@pyruse4688]

You date older men for the money. I date older men because I work with Chris Hansen. We are not the same.

[@undyingfaith9897]

Lmao

[@oliSUNvia]

nice i should have included this in the video

[@themangoman9315]

You have the greatest profile picture on this site

[@freiyarobyn599]

it's conditioned to girls at a young age bc my sister and i grew up with my mom and other guiding figures saying "boys are more immature than girls" and it rlly affects how we think abt romantic partners.

[@fatimahanwaar306]

this whole "boys are immature" argument is stupid

[@freiyarobyn599]

@@fatimahanwaar306 ikr, and using it to justify bad behaviour is not it

[@fatimahanwaar306]

@@freiyarobyn599 especially comments about "financial stability" when talking about men and "fertility and beauty" when talking about women and not only that they are using biological arguments

[@rudy1999]

@@fatimahanwaar306 Well, a 19 year old will always be better for fertility than a 35 year old woman..

[@fatimahanwaar306]

@@rudy1999 you're ignorant stop obsessing over fertility as if it's the only thing that matters in a woman besides beauty

[@AmandaSbarros]

I'm studying psychology and your channel is a go to

[@livm2516]

great video, thank you! I think I needed this

[@saintnicole3209]

me, 20 years old dating a 21 year old: "yeah i guess you could say i like older men" 😂

[@proudexmuslim2354]

He is older than you so she is correct

[@Bluecupcake122]

Lmao

[@EC-yw5hg]

haha I’m mean and call my 25 yo bf (I’m 21) grandpa sometimes

[@starchannel123]

Anything 3 years or less is basically same age dating

[@thajackeline]

i’m 7 months younger than my bf and to me it already feels like a huge gap

[@samarakarow1051]

New Girl explores this with the character, Dirk, who Nick deems “the smartest guy I know.” Dirk is an English professor who is old enough to have a law degree, as well, and whenever he gives lectures, he has a series of college students fawning after him. Nick, noticing this, asks Dirk what this is about and, after Dirk explains the appeal of 30-something-year-old men to 18-22-year-old girls/women, Nick decides that he wants in and he, too, begins pursuing Dirk’s students. They are impressed with him because of his ability to perform basic tasks; one of these girls/women is impressed that Nick, an unambitious bartender, can pour a drink. This is, presumably, because this girl/woman is under 21 (legal drinking age in the US,) thus enhancing the power imbalance. [SPOILERS FOR NEW GIRL] Compare this to Nick’s love interest, Reagan, who is also a PhD-holder in her 30s and has an even more powerful career than Dirk. Nick-as well as probably Winston and Cece, but to a lesser degree-thinks that Reagan is “hot.” Nick, like the college girls/women who were impressed with him, is impressed with Reagan’s basic ability to mix a drink. However, there is no power imbalance because they are roughly the same age. Notice that the initial reason for Nick’s attraction to Reagan was physical: she walks in the hospital, dramatic music plays, and Nick checks her out, acting as if she is the greatest thing since sliced bread. It is not during the moment immediately after that, when Reagan is a powerful businesswoman who can persuade the doctors into giving the best medicine to the patients, that Nick first finds Reagan attractive; in fact, some of the side-effects of the medicines the doctors were prescribing before Reagan walked in (“butt sneezing”) are played for laughs. It is only episodes later, right before Nick and Reagan’s first kiss, that Nick describes to Reagan, after acting goofy around her for her entire stay at the loft, why she is “hot,” reasons which don’t pertain to physical appearance. I don’t remember all of them, but one of them is that she is “mean,” and he doesn’t say anything about her being a financially successful woman who is good at adulting, even though, at this point, Nick hasn’t even sold “The Pepperwood Chronicles” and Reagan is, in fact, financially successful and good at adulting. Compared to Dirk, Reagan does not have any younger people wanting to pursue her. A lot of men and women appear to be attracted to her, but they are all in their thirties. Dirk, however, at the time he was hooking up with a myriad of female students, didn’t have his life nearly as together as Reagan, but young women practically worshipped him for it. It makes you wonder how society views women, especially in correlation to age and life experience, versus how society views men. Dirk and Nick-especially Nick-did the bare minimum and, to younger people of their desired gender, are seen as these ultimately attractive men, while Reagan, whose educational background is similar to Dirk’s, is attractive, according to the show, because she is bisexual (I hate this trope) and surface-level things about her personality. Note how, when Cece tries to make Reagan less attractive to Nick, she resorts to the physical (“Reagan wears a wig”) instead of fabricating some character flaw. (Granted, Nick thought it was “hot that you kept a secret” when Jess “killed” Ferguson, so, perhaps a character flaw wouldn’t work.) I could write another paragraph about Nick and Jess’s infatuation with Russell and how the show treated that, as well as how the show treated Cece’s relationship with Buster, but I’ve already written a lot, so I’ll spare you

[@oliSUNvia]

this was such a good read, i love new girl and this was a great application to the show

[@mamamacaroni1629]

OMG I never thought about this when I watched the show, I loved reading your essay lol.

[@Therealsoso10]

What episode is that I wanna watch

[@helenegraham]

Wow props to you for putting so much thought into this! I love New Girl and I like Nick a lot but I did find the whole part of the show where Nick was pursuing college girls to be pretty gross. Also if you wanna comment another paragraph about the Russel thing please do, I'd love your take! To me, I thought the age gap between Jess and Russel was okay because they had more of a casual relationship, and also because Jess was fully an adult; the age gap wasn't too crazy for casual dating, but I couldn't see them working seriously because of it (which in the end proved to be true). Especially because it seemed like initially what attracted Jess to Russel was that he was so confident, mature, and established--something she admired but didn't relate to.

[@liv4413]

Omg please continue this was great

[@Achiledus]

This is really well written episode and it’s covers a major of the issues except in relationships to younger men and ripple effect it has. In my country, high school girls wanna date up while dating pool for guys is usually down except you’re financially stable or really physically attractive. Causing this weird dynamic where the girls in your class brag about dating seniors and boys see clearly how imbalanced the relationship is and seek to do it to their juniors. It ripples out into College boy and high school girl, while the girls are involved in “freshers’ Rush “( college sophomore and seniors go after freshmen ). While in high school the gap might be 1 or 2 years it grows to 3-4 years for college/high school relationships and ballon’s to 4-6 years for freshers rush. In our economy, financial stability is very difficult with no jobs in general. Women fresh out of uni ( or college, they are interchangeable here. Mostly ) and even while in uni are frequently approached by this more stable men with jobs and cars. While the boys, now men, are only “ men “ by age. They are unemployed, still living off their parents and still figuring out life but now they have to compete with old men for the same women or are left to date uni girls again. Once the uni men get established it’s to late, they get power of choice something most men don’t have and aren’t ready for but are expected to wield responsibly. There’s a saying over here, “ get money first and women will come after “ with indirectly translates to focus on being stable and then you can choose. Especially when society and social media fetishize “sugar daddies “. But when things go wrong, “it’s the mens fault, why can’t they now chase women their age. “ it gives this weird narrative and unease to dating, one which no one really talks about. And this is coming from someone that was dump in uni cause I was broke by a uni babe. But that’s life

[@Afreshio]

yeah this video was taclked with so much feminist bias and ignores this reality of how the dating market is severely in favour of women. if you are in a classroom 10 boys and 10 girls and 5 girs are dating or persuing senior classmates or even older dudes then 10 boys have to compete to be with 5 girls, assuming all of those girls are interested in those 10 boys. it's just impossible. so what does happen? the guys that are out of the competition will go for younger girls 1-3 years younger depending on grade. this happens in every phase, situation and instution. the women who go for older guys fucks the balance. but blaming men it's so easy...

[@onetailedjin]

I was wondering if anyone was gonna touch on this aspect.

[@GuyPerson3]

Thank you for affirming much of what I, an aging man, have been embarrassed to think as to be.

[@LittleMissDeeDee]

I’ve dated men upwards of 15 years older than me but always settled down with a man within 4 years my senior. I feel the appeal of dating older men is way more attractive than the reality. I’ve found men in their late 30s-40s to be either emotionally broken, manipulative specially with younger women, or quite “out of touch”. They feel being financially stable is all they have to bring to a relationship, thus causing them lack in other areas. I find most of them boring too and lacking the zest of life, which is probably why they like younger women because it makes them feel young. My mum is 4 years older than my dad and I call her a cougar for laughs lol

[@sonicthehedgehog7842]

I agree, I dated a guy 13 yrs older than me for two years. I'm starting to notice men past 30 who are unmarried are usually dysfunctional or have some really bad personality issues.

[@g8ins323]

@@sonicthehedgehog7842 i agree

[@robynsmith2709]

Very true!

[@EloiseAlice_]

Dated a 32yr old when I was 21 (I know it’s bad) but this was basically my exact experience!

[@g8ins323]

@Juno Buno you forgot the main one. using them for sex

[@saltbending9701]

that reminded me of a guy i met earlier this year (thankfully we don't talk anymore) that i liked quite a lot. however, after finding out he was 22 (i'm 18 btw) instead of 19-20, i felt very intimidated about making more advances even though i am technically "legal" -he had work experience i didn't have, he'd already been in way more committed relationships, etc. it wasn't a really big age gap, but the difference in life experience was noticeable despite him being emotionally immature. some time after we stopped talking i found out he had actually been dating someone else even before we started talking to each other: a seventeen year old girl with whom he became "official" right after her 17th birthday. they are still dating now and i can't help but feel worried about that girl who's still in highschool with a whole-ass adult man. that just told me all the lines he was willing to cross.

[@miriamvd.b]

oh god, I'm glad you guys aren't talking anymore. I'm also 18 so I completely understand why you'd feel intimidated :/

[@proudexmuslim2354]

@@miriamvd.b i thought girls like older guys because of their aged wrincle looks too

[@NANA-jh8gs]

@@proudexmuslim2354 This must be a troll. Women like young men (in their 20s) with smooth plump skin 🤷😂

[@proudexmuslim2354]

@@NANA-jh8gs lies.Womans love sugardaddys

[@helingunes955]

the fact that he aims around 17-18 is concerning.

[@BALDODELREY]

Love your content

[@sheplaysguitar8709]

Great topic. I think ultimately it comes down to desirability and value - older men desire younger women (for reasons mentioned in the video), and they will compete and work harder to be with a younger woman and receive more validation from success. Women will also feel more desirable and validated by the man working harder to woo them, so it's mutually beneficial. The women are more valuable in those older mens' eyes, and the women in return feel more valued.

[@lemonymouth]

I find the "older man are more mature" bit ironic because older guys' upbringing wasn't made to make them mature but it depends on what kind of maturity we're talking about. Providing? Hell yeah, they're supposed to be responsible and hard-working. Emotionally mature? No, not at all, many were taught to repress their emotions, use unhealthy ways to deal with them (like drinking), they oftentimes don't know how to communicate. If someone, as an older partner, takes the role of a mentor, they refuse to learn from their significant other - that's stagnation. How arrogant does one have to be to think they always know better. It's as if the other person has nothing to offer, nothing to bring to the table and that's just insulting... their partner isn't there to fix their insecurities, to make them feel smarter, better etc.

[@lancewalker2595]

No. Here's the reason: because older men have had a longer amount of time to establish material wealth. Pretty simple.

[@lemonymouth]

@@lancewalker2595 I don't understand what you're referring to

[@jareddavis9012]

@@lemonymouth It's clearly simple what he meant.

[@sblbb929]

So are there just no mature men in the world?

[@lemonymouth]

@@sblbb929 I think some guys out there are great, either mature or mature enough to realise they have some work to do

[@mrapollo13]

I don't understand relationships with large age gaps in the way that I can't imagine that there would be much in common in terms of interests. What do these people talk about? Even at 24 I wouldn't be able to bring myself to date a woman who's 18, 19 or even 20 because they're in such a different place in their life

[@welikelethabo]

This !!!!!

[@__maxim__397]

Everybody's different I guess. An older person could just be a social butterfly or their life could just be moving at a much slower pace than their peers, and so has more relatabilty to someone younger than them. You never really know.

[@dianagonzalez162]

I think a lot of it has to do with life experience and social circles. My bf is 29 and I'm 21. We were friends for two years and we start dating until a few months ago. We met in college and had the same group of friends. I formed friendships with people who were older than me when I started off in college because I found them easier to relate to (my first social group in college was 23-24 year women and I was 17, I took a lot from them as older sisters and such). Eventually, my social group expanded and I met my bf. My boyfriend knows a lot more about certain things like credit and he also is a lot more in control of his emotions. However, we are also both college students and have lived similar lifestyles.

[@Purplesquigglystripe]

You’d be surprised at how much you can connect with people older or younger than you. They’re all human, after all

[@sunnysunflowers328]

@@Purplesquigglystripe this. It depends on you and them. Being surrounded by older people majority of my day makes it difficult for me to understand/relate to people my age. It only makes sense for me to be attracted to people I can relate to and spend time with : older men/women

[@SpencerDwight]

Great perspectives!

[@fatimafarishta4152]

When dating someone I feel has more power than me, I feel like I start losing myself. I have this desire to please and feel respected, that tend to put myself in a submissive position. I also depend more on the man, losing my ability to critically think for myself. That's why I generally date men my age, so we can have space to grow together.

[@absol3441]

I think one thing that you forgot to mention is that a lot of guys do it because it's easier to start a relationship with a much younger girl because you have more life experience than the girl so that automatically makes you more attractive. These older men also know how to play exactly into the image the girl wants to see

[@AABB-zb6dv]

And you forgot to mention they have more money than young broke guys.

[@morbiddiathesis4428]

You sound bitter, and your comment smacks of insecurity and desperation.

[@aztekenen1]

provides leverage when at the same age bracket there would be little to none, which makes other options more enticing. by having a gap, that issue is automatically covered. its a failsafe.

[@Misswithoutaname98]

I met my bf when I was 21, he was 31. It didn`t directly start out romantic. Met at work and used to talk a lot about different things while having breaks... so much that my boss got a little upset bc of my decreasing work hours. Nothing felt particularly sexually or romantic at the beginning, it more grew over time. Now we`re almost for 4 years together, moved in together after 1,5 years and have two cats. To be honest, the realtionship never felt like he has more power or I could easy manipuliate him with sex or something body related (i don`t really have any sexdrive). In the beginning I was considering here and there the age gap. Mostly because I was totally aware of the thoughts and opionions others might have about it. But at the same time we just worked really well together and even my parents, who absolutely did not like my ex (with almost no age gap) seemed to be approving of our realtionship because they saw, how we treated each other. Age isn`t just a number. People who say that propably never think about stuff like building a family or meeting each others family (his nephew is one year younger than me... that was fucking weird) or doing an event with both circles of friends and on and on.... There are many things you will be confronted with because of the gap and you schouldn`t be blind to it. At the same time I think, you can "overcome" the gap with compromisses, long talks about needs and wishes for your future and seeing how well/bad everything allignes to each other. He is not my sugar daddy - I am not his sugar baby. We`re two individuals trying to figure out what we want out of life and relationships.

[@krakou2]

Love how you share the perspective of a solid balanced relationship and nobody cares to comment because you "fit" the stigmatized stereotype without the body politics BS

[@Kay-vu3wi]

im also in the same predicament. I dont know if i should leave just based on age but at the same time theres nothing toxic about our relationship, no he does not provide for me, I stand on on my own, i just dont know. Are yall still together

[@fallenstar5759]

@@Kay-vu3wi As long as you are both adults, get along and there's nothing toxic, I don't see why there should be a reason to leave. Age gaps are fine as long as they are like in the comment above.

[@lonelydeer]

Personally I find a relationship between a 31 years old middle aged man and a 21 years old woman who just legally became an adult 3 years ago pretty concerning, remember I am just a random username on the internet and my words should be taken with the smallest grain of salt. But it seems both the partners in the relationship are treated with the same level of respect and trust so you guys seem like you are in a non exploitative relationship.

[@krakou2]

@@lonelydeer you don't explain why it's problematic...you just repeat what society thinks about age gaps

[@dr4track1]

Good video, I believe these are important questions for young women to ask themselves if they find themselves attracted to much older men on a regular basis. I think a bit more nuance would be necessary as imo viewing psychological issues from too far away is rarely very helpful. I think its a bit late to the party as I do not see so much acceptance anymore around this issue but maybe I just am not exposed to it. There is a lot to unpack and while there are moments you stumble overall i enjoyed it.

[@minako7928]

This was triggering as everything you said alligned with my ex and our relationship. As soon as I became single immediately woke up lol I ended up taking therapy and succeeding so far in my career, and grossed out by who I was dating and how insecure and messed up they were. I wish I knew I had power, I wish all the older women around me told me to run. I wonder how society, education, lives can be improved. It's scary how much our minds take over our reality.

[@lightningbolt4419]

Lol no. Ur just mad he left u

[@samiaoishy7862]

​@@lightningbolt4419 you know being mad at him leaving is literally different Op already said she went to therapy Older man can be manipulative sometimes so stfu

[@lightningbolt4419]

@@samiaoishy7862 nope. You obviously dont understand basic logic and relationship psychology. SHE is the one who seeked him out. then she used him then he realized that and leftt her.

[@ggcushi2371]

@@lightningbolt4419 u cant be for sure that's the case.

[@junfaa]

I'm a 29 year old male and can't see myself dating someone younger than 24. There are a few exceptions but most people younger than 24 would have almost nothing in common.

[@salsipuedes8425]

Same

[@TheAaronir3]

People will surprise you. Plus you may not need someone to bring commonality to the relationship. Instead you’ll want a foil

[@hopeleslydevoted6170]

Same it's weird tbh.

[@Hoenhighn1]

The idea that you could have nothing in common with someone 5 years younger than you, in their 20s is insane.

[@popaesthetics8365]

Personally, I’m 27 and I’m only willing to date within the range of 21-35.

[@shilluhmwangi]

I'm so glad you used Kenya as a case study. These kinds of relationships are very very very common here (I'm Kenyan). Everything you said is 100% true. Thank you for this video in general, so informative.

[@jaek3424]

hey girlie, LOVED THE VID BTW XP,, also where did you get that stunning necklace girl, i NEEEEEEEEEED THAT. you always be throwing the best fits together its giving QUEEEEEEEN ILYSM 3>

[@odietamo1476]

A couple things that are noted here but are worth going into specifics on. When it comes to Older Men seeing Younger Women as less financially and socially demanding it’s partly because the older a women is the more likely she is to have children. Something I’ve noticed when talking about dating with my older coworkers is that divorced or widowed women w/kids tend to be seen as a commitment coming with a whole social world one has to join. In contrast younger women tend to be seen as far easier to fit into one’s life. Another thing that isn’t talked about is location. Younger women are far more likely than men to leave home and relocate to metropoles leading to a surplus of young women in places like New York. The options for dating a man your age is significantly limited and given the living cost of Metropolitan areas it exacerbates the financial dynamic.

[@catharinecarvalho267]

When I was a teen, I remember my friends in theirs 13, 14, 15 years old dating twenties guys and I always thought how creepy It was for me twenties guys were adults and I saw myself as a child, but the most bizarre thing was how the mothers were happy with her daughters dating these guys because they had jobs, cars and etc. (I'm from Brazil so here we can only drive at 18, it's not common teens having cars and driving like in other countries). However when I was 17 years old, almost 18, I finished high school and I was starting college I fell in love with a 21-years-old guy, even the age gap not being that big I faced many of these power balance issues. He knew he was my first kiss and my first relationship so he was always reminding me how less experienced I was, he already had relationships so he was always talking about his ex and comparing me with her, but the worst thing was how he was rude when I was a little shy at some moments and making clear that he wanted to cross some boundaries with me because this is what people do in real relationships. I don't need to say that this relationship failed, he broke up with me saying that we were too different, maybe he didn't realize that yes we were different because I was just finishing high School and starting college and he was finishing college and already had a job. Now I have boyfriend who is 31 and I'm 27, almost 28, and things are so easier, we had finish college, we are in the same phase of our lifes, we are in equality and nobody talk about exes and past. He is older than me, but we are in the same moment of our lives. I can't see how two people in different life moments can work in a relationship, and even nowadays media is still romanticizing Younger women with older men.

[@avant-garde8602]

oh yeah this whole "teen-girl-dates-a-legal-adult" sort of thing seems to be at most iffy, if not commonplace, here in brazil. still freaks me the f out. i literally remember having my 14 year old friend tell me she was dating an 18 year old and as a sheltered kid, i could barely believe her.

[@dove2826]

I'm happy that you found a much better relationship. The thing about being "in the same moment of our lives" I feel is very important. I am 17 and my bf will be 22 later this year. Usually I'd be weirded out by the ages, but since he's redoing a year at my school and we have so many things in common like interests, moral compass and experiences, it doesn't feel like he's that much older than me. He doesn't have room for abusing power when we're almost equals. (Though I am very aware of the age gap still and how people view it)

[@suitsan_9785]

@@dove2826 nah girl ur a victim 💀💀💀

[@dove2826]

@@suitsan_9785 I've been a victim before, and also been in close-age relationships. This relationship feels safe as hell so I'm just gonna say naw dawg I'm fine. We've communicated about our age difference and we will communicate about it again if it poses as an issue in the future.

[@chewy99.]

@@dove2826 Technically he’s a pedo and could go to jail but I trust enough that you feel so good about it that he’s not a bad person.

[@dessieangel1021]

I actually avoided this dynamic with a partner BECAUSE of my daddy issues. My mom was abandoned by her boyfriend when they found out she was pregnant. She was left vulnerable as a single mom in a third world country. My step dad, who was 19 years older than her, used his exaggerated wealth, large age gap, and his race to take advantage of her. I saw how this unbalanced dynamics of power were damaging, and I didn’t want to be treated that way. Sometimes, he treated mom like one of the kids. That was awful to watch. I’m now with yes an older man, but two years older. And I didn’t want to go further than 5. Why? Because I wanted to be in the same life stage as them

[@mitatf]

So sad to hear, I guess it was the opportunity your single mother had to sustain yourselves u,u

[@chinenyekalu7179]

If you don’t mind me asking what’s races are your parents? You said he used his race to take advantage of her, so I’m jus curious what their races are? Although I think I can guess the dad’s

[@kickrocksent3207]

Both ended up with older men

[@blackwater7183]

Older man...2 years. Lmao. That doesn't count as older. Once you get to mid 20's and above, I don't think 5 years is much of a difference. Hell even 10 years for some.

[@blackwater7183]

@@chinenyekalu7179 Im sure probably white and mom asian 90% probability.

[@ytano5782]

My wife is almost 9 years older than me. I was 23 years old when we met. To be honest, I always found women around 30 more attractive than around 20. Soon I will be 40 and from my perspective 20 year old women are asexual as children.

[@raul-yd3ob]

Appreciate the vid 🙏

[@jameschan4279]

Not sure how you popped up in my feed, but you have quickly become my favorite video essayist. Your delivery is clear and your approach to topics is even-handed.

[@johnkim6574]

But I disagree about a lot of things in this video. Also she's only talking about younger girls being in a relationship with much older man and bluntely terming it's as creepy. This world has different kinds of relationship some good some bad regardless of age gap. And yes, I also don't support 10years Gap between two partners.

[@rudy1999]

James Chan aka beta male Asian

[@amemocci3580]

i remember many girls from my class in the 8-9th grade( 14 years old) would date men in their mid to late twenties and no one batted an eye for some reason, and i was the weird one for thinking it was very very weird

[@oliSUNvia]

o-oh..,

[@SARAS-oc8bq]

Huh?

[@amemocci3580]

@@SARAS-oc8bq i live in eastern europe though, so i think here it's even more normalized than in america

[@fatimahanwaar306]

@@amemocci3580 it doesn't matter which part of a certain continent you are from culture is no excuse to normalize girls being in relationships with grown men

[@amemocci3580]

@@fatimahanwaar306 yes i agree

[@kipp4805]

This was a great, level-headed video. As someone in their early 20s, dating a woman a year older than them (albeit, I'm still in University whereas they just finished and now work a full-time job), I find these sorts of large age gap relationships to be based on very different premises than my own. It seems like desire to engage in these relationships are often (although not always) driven by external societal pressures. Do you want to date a much younger woman because deep down that's really what you want, or is it because you want to impress your friends that you were able to "pull" a "young and beautiful" woman (assuming you've internalized society's assertion that youth equates to beauty)? Do you really enjoy dating this much older guy, or do you mostly want the social desirability benefits of getting to be seen enjoying expensive experiences and dates? A lot of it feels performative and vain to me but, I'd also say a lot of it seems to stem from self-consciousness. I think it's a really interesting and somewhat ironic dichotomy that we pursue validation from our peers by engaging in superficial relationships. While seeking attention from those on our periphery, we're simultaneously being neglected in the most deeply personal relationship one can have. And again, I don't necessarily think this stems from someone just wanting clout, but rather the product of us internalizing what society says we want and conflating that with what we actually want deep down. Growing out of this though takes a lot of introspection and self-awareness. Something our societal framework ignores and instead focuses on flooding us with distractions. And when people are consumed by the present, it can be especially difficult to find the time and space to think critically about what we want. In the mean time though, we are going to continue trying to fit the mold set for us by society. I want to acknowledge as well that maybe the inaccessibility of this growth is why a lot of younger women aren't interested in younger men. A lot of young people haven't given themselves time to think critically about this stuff, and for many, it takes lived experiences to figure out what it is they really want. Which for older men that should have this figured out by now... y'all just decided that what you desire most at this point in your life is arm-candy that'll impress your mates? Yeah, if that's their conclusion, I'd consider them predatory. This comment is getting a bit long and I could talk about this for much longer so I'll try to wrap it up. I know, or at least I think I know at this point in my life, that what I want in a partner is someone I can grow with and will be a catalyst for my own growth. A person who's core essence is that they're kind, empathetic, and compassionate. Someone that takes the time to be introspective and can hold intellectually stimulating conversations. I need to know I can trust they will always be honest with me, even if it's something they think I don't want to hear. Physical attraction is definitely important but, so is emotional. Finding someone who checks the boxes you set for yourself can be like finding a needle in a haystack, and it takes A LOT of time and luck. I'm extremely fortunate to be with the person I'm with who embodies all of these qualities and more. I would encourage everyone to take a long look inside themselves to think about who they are and what it is they want before diving into a relationship on the preconceived notions that they value what society says they should value.

[@neranderthal]

When I was 23, a 19 year old guy crushed on me. We hung out quite a bit and I started to also fall in love with him. But I pulled away because of the criticism I’d get. I went on Reddit (bad idea) to vent my dilemma, in search of reassurance, but all I got was people accusing me of grooming and being a p*do despite him initiating all our hang outs. I would’ve loved to take care of him but I felt like it was wrong and that I’m obligated to date people older, and so I broke his heart by deciding to date a guy in his 30s, who just used me for s3x. It f*cking sucks being a woman sometimes. I just hope that wherever he is, he’s doing well now.

[@mgk-metalgearkelly5054]

"It f*cking sucks being a woman sometimes." While I agree women are very often subject to absurd expectations - this right here was insecurity and failure on your own part. Idk how long it took you to realise you made a poor decision because of what imaginary people on the internet say about you, but I hope you've learned enough to trust your own decisions. I'm not advocating for shutting off all advice, by all means have some people in your life that you REALLY trust for advice but even take their advice as an external input, reliable input but still external. At the end make your choices of your own complete free will. At the end of your life you cannot tell your younger self/god/your lineage "But I was told by others to do thus" or "what I thought best for myself was not convenient at the time"; that will not suffice. Secondly, I'mma straight up say 23 and 19 isn't really an "age gap", 4 years? Pfft. I personally think one shouldn't date a high schooler at all once they enter college (unless ofc y'all were a 1yr apart in high school and you just got in and the other party will graduate and get in a college the very next term). Then I think one shouldn't date a college freshman/sophomore when past 25. Once both parties are over 25, age gaps are pretty much meaningless imo. That's just me tho.

[@neranderthal]

@@mgk-metalgearkelly5054 Oh I’m fully aware I made a mistake and I take full responsibility. Those expectations just exasperated it. Thanks for the tough love, however you’d only understand if you were in my position. I’ve also grown up in an authoritarian household with traditional values, that dependancy on external input is hard to break out of, but awareness is the key right? I should give myself compassion and a break for that. Also, sometimes people are just wired more sensitive to external criticism, I have ADHD and RSD symptoms. Anyway, we had only hung out 3 times outside of work, there was no acts of intimacy or talks of commitment, but my guilt also stems from the fact he was visibly upset… he was young at the time, I was his first and so he was mad and avoidant despite me trying to invite him out with others to rekindle a friendship. He’s probably grown now enough to understand where I was coming from, and I’m sure we’ll cross paths again as we’re still connected online. I’ve definitely learnt my lesson, and I still think I made the right decision so I don’t think I was entirely a failure… but cheers for the kick up the bum 👌🏼

[@neranderthal]

@@mgk-metalgearkelly5054Also insecurities in many women stem from them being criticised for everything. I’m a cougar if I dated him, an evil whore if I don’t. So your advice is sound for us, we shouldn’t give a shit because we’re damned if we do, damned if we don’t. I should just become an emotionless rock that does whatever the hell I please from now on… would be nice not to feel anyway.

[@userrdm14]

My best friend's college friend has been in a relationship for a long time. So my friend asked her when did she start dating her current bf. And it turns out that she was 13 and he was 21 🤮🤮🤮🤮 when they started dating. This is actual grooming like wtafffff mann.

[@fatimahanwaar306]

even if she wasn't a minor it's still wrong to be in these relationships

[@huytranvan2754]

@@fatimahanwaar306 Nope, it's wrong if she's minor but if she's not, I don't see why it's bad. People date whoever they see fit...

[@fatimahanwaar306]

@@huytranvan2754 you're uneducated

[@DangRenBo]

It reminds me of that pedo anniversary joke.

[@ebonijones3641]

@@fatimahanwaar306 if your grown asf and know what you want then by all means do what you want, I don’t care for 23 yr olds dating 35 yr olds, their an adult and so is their partner therefore none of my business and it really shouldn’t be anyone else’s at that point. But this situation is just disgusting and disturbing🤢

[@Caneladorada]

I dated a guy 10 yrs older than me and he REALLY loved the gender roles like being the provider and that kinda stuff... it was nice for a while until I realized he did it because he was trying to control me with the power dynamic. Right now my bf almost doubles my age but he is completely different... His mindset is pretty open and he doesn't consider important a lot of things the other dude did. I feel respected, not patronized. It really does depend on the person and the life situation you're going through. Thank God I'm able to support myself financially so I don't need anyone to do it for me. Independence, growth and respect are key.

[@Imokay1695]

Same. My current bf is almost double my age and yes, he provides for me but at the same time supports me to go for my dreams and earn on my own money as well. He totally doesn't look his age bc I 100% thought he was only 7~8 years older than me before he revealed his age to me 😂😂😂

[@sunnysunflowers328]

People think all older men want is a pretty, little doll to control. There are many older men who understand and respect power dynamics. For women, being attracted only to older people doesn't make them desperate or stupid or anything like that. Some times you can't help who you're attracted to. To me, someone going, "Oh my type is blonde and green eyes" is the same as "I'm only into older men."

[@mitatf]

I still think is a very father-like situation, these men just happen to be a good father-like figure who wont patronize or abuse the power imbalance (like a every parent who recognizes their child as an adult should do). Weird dynamic but not really damaging, so whatev

[@Imokay1695]

@@mitatf As someone who dates older men who doesn't look his age. Even ppl around me thought he's still in his early 30s... I have to disagree. Not all cases are like that. Since I didn't purposefully look for older men but someone that particularly attracts me happened to be almost twice my age. 🤷‍♀️ I guess it lies on whether you purposefully only date older men or... like my case, the person you're dating just happen to be older than they look.

[@darklaw7635]

This is an example of why you don't spoil kids. They get entitled

[@eiseverywhere]

I appreciate what you're doing.

[@jtrealfunny]

Wow. Really well thought through, researched and presented. I am always impressed by someone who is able to look at things from a perspective outside the social or societal norm, like Amia Srinivasan or Third Paradigm. Excellent. 24:10 I'm at the end, complements to the host, a really great perspective on an issue that people find hard to talk about, to be honest about, and the info and perspective seem solid. I am always interested in the things we don't acknowledge like here: reproduction is a really fascinating and ancient human thing and surely influences our sexual desires and it is nothing new that young women epitomize an ideal of attractiveness and fertility.

[@Direktorhkbergdahl]

I mean, if most women want older boyfriends, isn’t dating an older woman a much bigger accomplishment than dating someone younger? I hereby conclude that the true alpha move is to date women who are as old and successful as possible. Let’s go bois.

[@satyadevbadireddi382]

My man, you just won "Best comment"

[@fatimahanwaar306]

men with older women is better than vice versa especially since a lot of incels are preaching about women's "fertility" being the reason for men going after women a thousand years younger than them

[@dr.joctor3454]

ayo the queen lookin mighty fine these days 😝

[@garbello8640]

Ayyy you know

[@TheCastedone]

@@dr.joctor3454 her money looks even better

[@Ancor3]

Holy shit, someone is finally talking about this. When I approached/turned 30, I became more popular with teens and women in their early 20s. I've even had two girls as young as 17 try flirting with me. Even just talking about these experiences makes people think that I'm flirting with teens, but they're approaching me. I'm genuinely weirded out by how these girls think they're mature enough to date someone in their 30s. All I'm saying is that someone should tell these girls that they are putting themselves at risk. KZbin finally recommended me a good video, it's a miracle.

[@AmazingStoryDewd]

As someone who is about to turn 30 I feel no difference between 22 and 30 interns of maturity. In fact I feel the same as I've always have.

[@Ancor3]

@@AmazingStoryDewd I went through some rough times between 20 and 30, gained a lot of experience too. But I get it if you're not feeling much different, your personality doesn't change much in this period of time.

[@Phasma6969]

You wouldn't be interested if you've developed enough as a person, which it seems you have. It can be alarming at times, just make it clear. Some people that age can make a fuss about it, they are not worth the time and surely you understand this. The difference is development is way too vast.

[@bgschannel9357]

@the grind maybe you don't, but he did

[@funilyily]

That is hilarious😂

[@Materva-hv6sz]

As a man turning 50 this year I see so many women my age wanting younger guys, but many younger women want older men. I think the whole thing is lonely and sad

[@fatimahanwaar306]

women wanting older men is a sign of insecurity

[@scottemmons6409]

Women always want men to be providers. It don't matter how old they are. Which is why I think a lot of older women get mad at younger women. They have far less options and they see a younger women dating a older man as " stealing a option".

[@somethingawesome1462]

I have seen a lot of comments where just bc he’s older, doesn’t make him more mature (which is true). However, he probably is going to be slightly richer just due to affect of having more time in his career

[@user-sn5ih6fi6m]

I'm a woman and I don't hate them but I hate that we are no longer desired at 25 anyway:) I have a boyfriend too but I'm so anxious that I turn 25 and become a milf and he would just date someone who is 20. That's the worst part :D

[@arina85258]

I met my current boyfriend when I just turned 20 and he was about to turn 25, so our age gap is under 5 years. We were both students back then and our lifestyles were kinda similar, so the age difference meant nothing, but there was still one annoying fact. He was my first boyfriend ever (first kiss and so on) and he’d had multiple long term relationships. It was hard for me when he talked about his exes and I had literally no exes (besides my kindergarten boyfriend). I felt like a loser, I lied on several occasions trying to seem more experienced and mature. He helped me to deal with my insecurities and we are very happy now. I can’t imagine myself dating a 30+ year old man being in my late teens/early twenties. What if he had been married or had kids and I’d never even had my first kiss? Would I ever stop blaming myself for being so naive and inexperienced, failing to be on the same level with someone so far ahead of me?

[@deadinside8719]

Why would he talk about his ex though?

[@danielapardo9776]

@@deadinside8719 exactly

[@TheNunakun]

Don't worry about your lack of experience; men usually find this much more attractive than a woman who's been around the block. It's actually a very rare quality these days. I understand the feeling of being left out. I myself haven't had even my first kiss past 30 (I'm a unicorn), even though there were plenty of opportunities. I've found out the most important thing in a relationship is working on and being confident in yourself first before you can commit yourself to another being. I'm not at that point in my life yet, do I avoid relationships like COVID haha. Seems like you have an understanding boyfriend, which is also becoming a rare aspect sadly. Best wishes!

[@sblbb929]

But that's modern society in your ear telling you you need to have many partners and being a virgin is uncool etc. That's not really inherent to your relationship but just current social norms. It was the opposite for a long time were having any experience before marriage was tabboo for both sides. I'm glad your current partner is empathic though lucky you

[@arina85258]

@@deadinside8719 He never spoke badly about any of them or compared us or implied he still had feelings. It was just stories: “I went to see that film with my ex”, “I’ve been there with my ex, that’s her hometown”. Then he told me how they met, how long they had been together and why they broke up. We’ve been together for almost three years, such things come up eventually.

[@graysonjd5624]

Gonna throw it out there that “daddy issues” are also a false understanding of parent/child dynamics, and the gendering of those dynamics results more in stigmatization than a solution. There is so much more to how attachment types and parenting styles affect eventual development than just the gender of the caregiver/child.

[@Zoe-sn9tb]

no you are stupid, children need a mother and a father

[@AuspexAO]

I also think like 70% of what we call "Daddy Issues" is just people afraid to explore their submissive and dominant sexual urges in this puritanical country. It gives them a pass to want to be choked or spanked in bed without bringing down the terrible wrath of baby Jesus and Nascar on them.

[@cookies4everdiy640]

I agree. I think that the source of the problem lies in the absence of the general parental figure. The gender shouldn’t have that much importance.

[@marcd2743]

I think there is an interesting point in there, but you tried to throw in too many big words and thoughts.

[@mthalter]

@@marcd2743 There was a point, and it was made well. Maybe you should go read a dictionary and try again.

[@MostlyBuicks]

No matter how old I get, I am still attracted to the same age range of women I have been all my life. That is: the age of women I am attracted to does not increase as I get older. I have always been the type who would rather do without than to not have what I want when it comes to most things in general. Needless to say I am doing without now that I have myself aged out of the dating market.

[@yalaouichaima1525]

Amazing talk ❤️