How to End Limerence Before You Destroy Everything Good

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

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[@moonloon6280]

“You’re not the good guy you imagine yourself to be” what a bar.

[@ellenstone2753]

Mitchell, while the details of my story are somewhat different - I am the woman described here. I really thought he was my boyfriend, my love, my one true soul connection. After 12 years, he left. His parting words were: "For all I cared, you could have been a hole in the mattress" and "I wanted out a long time ago, but you were too needy. I worked so hard to show you all men were not bad but I grew tired and did not want you. I only stayed out of guilt and feeling sorry for you". That was over 40 years ago and I still hear those words, feel the gut wrenching pain of someone using me under the guise of being my rescuer, my savior. Do as Anna says, like now.

[@meeraraj0]

@@ellenstone2753 dear you are not needy for wanting true honest sincere love. That's the excuse he gave you because he was using you. Sorry if I got it wrong.

[@tiepolo100]

❤

[@jupiterscorner5423]

sending you love.

[@slsilver481]

Um, you do realize the problem wasn't just you, right? He was actively deceiving you and his comment was extremely cruel. He wasn't doing you any favors staying out of "guilt." From this story he has MAJOR issues of his own.

[@irinaivanovic9792]

Dear lord…. 😢 see, every time I read something SO AWFUL like this it forces me to strongly avoid dating men anymore. I’ve been through a LOT of bad stuff in my last 2 relationships and I’m traumatized severely. Of course we can work through our sadness and do the work to heal , BUT. Having said that, the only way to avoid these harrowing emotional experiences with romantic relationships is to NOT enter one. This is what I’ve decided to do now. I’m 42 and I’m EXHAUSTED from the sh1tty treatment. I leave men to themselves now. That’s really who they secretly want to be with anyway (their guy friends).

[@assianeu197]

Never was I so triggered by a letter. He is so predatory. I had attracted grown weirdos like him as a teen that wouldn't even fight their demons and be full on that savior god complex, worst worst worst experience of emotional abuse and power imbalance on the other hand. Trying to be your father figure so they can sexually exploit you while feeling like they done a good deed. Only a fairy could be so straightforward with compassion and non-judgment. I couldn't, but I applaud that he's looking for help

[@AnnaRiedl]

Just watched "Keep Sweet: Pray and Obey", the extreme end of these kind of stories :(

[@MrAhuraMazda]

Agreed. I did not hear this as an innocent man with limerence. I have limerence and it aint this. This was pure predatory behavior.

[@justpassingthrough.]

@@MrAhuraMazda I agree 💯 He and anyone like him needs to be evicted from existence.

[@jupiterscorner5423]

@@MrAhuraMazda Yes its predatorial, not limerence. He is addicted to exploiting and saving broken birded women

[@meeraraj0]

@@assianeu197 wow..when you said only a fairy can be... that was a moment

[@rexrad9735]

Once these "Saviors" get over the emotional thrill that they are heros, they usually end up treating the person they "saved", horribly.

[@louisehogg8472]

Or move onto their next Social Work Case. In a desperate search for lasting self-esteem.

[@Warponator]

It's like you didn't watch the video. There are reasons for this kind of behaviour, and it's not always about being treated/feeling like a hero. Saviours can be stuck in a "Saviour-Victim-Persrcutor" triangle, or there can be a hidden contract of expecting something in return for their help and never getting it (the nice guy syndrome if you want to call it that). And yes, sometimes people want to think or hear that they are good. What i don't get - is the blame in your words. "Once they get over the thrill, they start treating horribly" - is this something personal? Or you just hate the idea that some people can and want to help others, even for egotistical reasons? Genuine curisosity

[@ShannonGrace9555]

Exactly

[@Nillava-k3j]

​@@Warponatorwhat do you mean by ' is this personal?'

[@Warponator]

@@Nillava-k3j Stems from personal experience/bias. Something in the likes of "Ugh, these saviours, amaright? They save you, then they treat you badly. I hate them so much, i'll talk about them as if it's a fact"

[@HoneybeeHearts52]

I appreciate how you basically said just bc you have trauma isn't an excuse. If you're aware, you are making a choice on your decisions it's not just action without awareness. This person went from the victim to the predator.

[@jenniferbelley1147]

Nobody who is a parent should be behaving like this

[@ChubsPuffs]

Exactly why I won’t have or give anyone children . Too many people walking around w so much baggage . I would rather adopt in the future or foster

[@Inug4mi]

Mitchell, I hate to break this to you but there is another woman in your life that’s in need of your help: your wife. And you can get divorced. I’m a mom to a significantly disabled child, too, and I am divorced from my child’s dad. We still coparent pretty well after all these 16 years. I try to be that hero for my kid; not for anyone else. Just her. I think you can be that hero for your son as well. He may not be a flashy addict but he needs you. Be there for him. You can do it.

[@Merky-Merk01]

❤

[@lifenotbills]

This. Completely in a need for rescue and hero situation, but it’s too painful and doesn’t look pretty…can’t be idealized and turned into a fantasy…so the real situation is avoided. Counseling, please.

[@Kryonsmommy]

Well said. And it’s an obvious answer .

[@wendychavez5348]

I recommend the YT channel Mended Light. The couple that runs it were recently divorced from each other, and lately have been posting a series of videos--and links to their new course--on navigating a healthy relationship after a marriage has ended. I have done it myself, though we weren't married and there were no children involved; we were good friends in 2003, then tried dating in what was a 6-week long train wreck, and we chose to love each other as friends so we could both find what we need from someone who could provide it. We're good friends to this day, and if we had kept dating, one or both of us would have probably died by now. Mitch, you can be a loving father and husband, though it might be necessary to cut the legal ties in order to do so. Best wishes for you and your family!

[@Kryonsmommy]

@@wendychavez5348 the anecdote you have is about a relationship that lasted six weeks 21 years ago ?

[@fiction589]

Mitchell creates a dynamic like women who get involved with inmates. It is a powerful / superior position he is in, and the dynamic only works as long as the broken bird stays broken . There is not much abandonment or rejection to get from an inmate or a drug addict. You feel "safe" with them, because you feel superior to them. It is a really unhealthy relationship for both people involved, and there is nothing noble about it. If you feel like you are their rescuer and their only hope, then YOU are the problem. Because you use that "lover" / limerance object to feel stronger, superior, and more stabile than you currently are.

[@lettysaadani5871]

In my opinion your response is incredibly on point, may God help all find there way🙏🏼

[@DoodleToast-c4o]

I'm a single 30-ish something female and even though my situation is very different from Mitchell's, there were so many points there on addiction and obsession that I related to. When I had limerence for a guy I dated back then, the best thing he did for me was to simply stop seeing me despite all my emotional dependence on him. I needed to hear Anna's tough love. I was recently able to stop limerent thoughts when I felt them creeping up on me after having met someone new, and this being the first time I was able to do that, I am proud of this accomplishment. I like to think that the guy who stopped seeing me back then did me a huge favor because it was only after that I started the painful but rewarding work of inner healing. I am finding that the work never stops but every now and then I see the fruit of my efforts.

[@JOCECIL]

You go girl🎉!!! Im on the same path and its very rewarding to gain self awareness and being able to stop the limerence

[@5gx673]

Way to go ❤

[@Gogs126]

How were you able to? I watched this video because it is titled 'How to end limerence', but it doesn't actually tell how to, it just addresses this man's extreme situation

[@MrAhuraMazda]

What a weird story. Almost sounds like a character in Fight Club; guy going around picking up drug addicts desperately in need of help. I'm so glad you called this guy out. Cause I saw nothing innocent in his behavior, it was pure predatory.

[@lilafeldman8630]

I also sense that the long car rides were a means of avoidance, not just a way to calm his kid down. I know what it's like to want to go for long walks, or take the long way home, the scenic route, as a means of avoidance.

[@MrAhuraMazda]

@@lilafeldman8630 i put 100,000 miles on my car during the 2 years of Covid. I get that. And its REALLY bad if you're in limerence because of the day dreaming.

[@aubreymoore7364]

I literally said out loud "This should be a movie with The Goose".

[@lilafeldman8630]

@@MrAhuraMazda sounds weird, too, that someone was just on the side of the road. I've never found someone just laying on the side of the road.

[@Gogs126]

@@lilafeldman8630 A means of avoidance, or an opportunity to cruise looking for the next victim?

[@kaydub4595]

“My wife and I struggle in our marriage and dealing with the reality of having a disabled child. So I stepped out of our marriage and rescue random women to make myself feel better. But it’s okay because I do it under the guise of my son’s needs and being a good guy.” 🤦🏻‍♀️

[@samaraisnt]

Random *super young women(tbh they sound like teen girls) who are as vulnerable as possible…wonder why he never rescues homeless men? Too good a guy, I guess. Gotta “physically comfort” these poor ladies. Mother Teresa.

[@amandachilds5290]

​@@samaraisntEXACTLY! When other men point this out to these so-called good guys they lose their minds and can become violent and cruel too.

[@Rut-vi7iz]

Mitchel, there is a life you can help "save" besides your own, and that is your child. I get parenting a child with a severe disability. I have pushed through years of that as well, and it is absolutely worth it. Failing your child in the manner you are currently moving will eventually destroy you. If your marriage cannot be saved, that is one thing. I hope that it can be however. You can be the hero you imagine yourself to be, but ONLY in the confines of your own family. Please do the right thing. I am cheering you on.

[@Catsandnature-1234]

well put.He needs to put his energy and money to his family. He probably spend a lot of money for these young girls...

[@meeraraj0]

@@Rut-vi7iz 🙏🏽🙏🏽 I also learnt I could give my love to animals who need care.

[@joeyjojojrshabadoo7462]

Obviously he's got feelings of inadequacy and helplessness at his son's disabilities. He can't "fix" him just by being a better husband and father figure, so the low hanging fruit of teenager runaways it is.

[@blondequijote]

​@meerarajAnd I bet the animals don't run away as soon as they start to feel better enough about themselves to assume they deserve better than who they're with.

[@marygolden6192]

Yes, Anna! Well said. EVERY predator has a back story. Hopefully Mitchell wrote because he wants to see the truth and change.

[@carolynjaynes9094]

I've learned that feeling pity for someone is a huge red flag.

[@h0rriphic]

I agree. Pity feels…derogatory? Dehumanizing? I suspect pity is what narcissists _think_ empathy is.

[@yanan4249]

I think this is taking it too far. It is ok to feel pity towards an ill animal in the streets or a person in a bad situation. It's ok to help and make somebody's life better. It's normal to be kind, if you don't expect anything in return and don't get too much into that. That's how our species have survived.

[@jeanieshank1433]

Limerent person here. Listen to her. Shes right. And do the work at SLAA and do the therapy. It is an addiction and you will destroy it all without help. I have and did and now work to stay sober and clean. You can do it. You got this. Thank you Crappy Childhood fairy for this video. We need people like you.

[@mickeyhadley4281]

#9 on “The Laundry List” of traits of adult children from cptsd is that we confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue”.

[@carlpacheco2058]

That's true, so sad

[@stitches513]

Wow! That’s so on point! Great comment

[@idunablack2592]

that is so true! The urge to rescue and save isd so strong. I try hard to resist it at any time, but also because I chose to become "selfish" and not burden myself with others problems, as sad as they are. "not my circus not my monkeys" and "thats not MY problem" have become some of my mantras

[@journeytojoy3443]

Thank you! And Hello fellow ACAer!!

[@AlxndrHQ]

💯

[@em97c]

God Anna, I've said it before but I am in AWE of the way you are able to respond in such a measured and compassionate way even in circumstances like this. This was a really rough listen.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for watching and taking the time to comment! We appreciate your kind words towards Anna. Nika@TeamFairy

[@ube_flan]

one somewhat positive thing that came out of you helping the first girl is that it showed you that you are extremely capable. you went to great lengths to "save" this girl. you can use that capability, that energy, and redirect it towards your family. you made a commitment to your wife when you married her, and to your kid when you chose to have unprotected sex with your wife. you can be their hero by being fully present in their lives. all you're doing to those broken girls is being a new kind of suffering in their lives. they don't need that. your kid needs a dad and your wife needs a partner - THEY need you.

[@erstwhile3793]

Anna, that was not harsh. I wrote something here and deleted it. It was genuinely harsh. Also truthful. What you are saying isn’t harsh. It’s a better way to share the truth, as asked by this person. Very much appreciate what you’re saying here. It clarifies some things for me that I’ve been attempting to see more clearly. Very timely. The algorithm does good things sometimes.

[@bryanwhite1795]

I love how passionate you are, even though you face demonitization from the profanity, you just have to give it to him straight. In any case, I hope bro heals

[@niebieskimotyl3308]

Actually, being young woman who needed support, was a very vulnerable place. Many older men, who are tired and bored in marriages or single, who couldn't find mature woman, play rescuers. They did more harm than good to me. My advice to women in need would be not to accept help from men. There are organizations for that, other women also can help, but not men. It's straigh up dangerous. Someone can look like a nice grandpa and end up as abuser or stalker. I wish I 've had someone in my life telling me this truth. I don't satly there are no good men out there. But they most likely put energy somewhere else, not to young attractive women. It's a red flag for me. I'm 40 already and I can find help elsewhere if I need it. I'm a single mom of autistic son, which makes all of those fake helpers vanish, as I don't take their crap and my son is very straight forward about bullshit. I date now a nice a bit younger man, who really supports me, and I support him as well, which is way better, than one-sided support

[@shweefranglais7900]

Very true. The motive is pretty much always sexual couched in other terms.

[@vivy45]

My husband and business partner of 15 years left me in huge debt to "rescue" this 22 year old Ukrainian woman. He is 56. I was completely devastated. I thought we were happy. Im in counciling now.

[@multitablez7825]

If the girl got sober and her life together, this guy would lose all interest in her. he is self entitled

[@thesilvercanis]

And using her for sex in her vulnerability. It's horrible.

[@Esthermyrrh]

He may well know that, which is what prompted him to write Anna - yet he’s trying to pacify his guilt…🤷🏻‍♀️ I pray he repents, gets therapy for sex addiction and does the right thing to stay and care for his wife and disabled child.

[@Neresdipity]

I don't think he'd just lose interest- I think he might be bothered by it. We all know people who like to surround theirselves with 'broken' people for a few not so great intentioned reasons. Shoot, one friend I drifted away from - the worse I was doing, the more she liked me. Me doing well always created a 'problem'.

[@multitablez7825]

@@Neresdipity wow you are right. the guy is a creep for sleeping with her when she is vulnerable too

[@thesilvercanis]

@@Neresdipity so true. That's terrible to hear, hope you're doing better in life.

[@Val-mi3nx]

He sounds like a covert narcissist. The way he cheats and justifies it, it almost seems like he is looking for praise and attention with this letter

[@meeraraj0]

Gosh Ana you spoke truth unflinching and it's not what most would have thought. It was like a missile. This is pure Gold and This is Transformation! I really Hope he hears this and takes what you are saying and use it. 🙏🏽

[@epis8613]

I recently wrote a horror short story about a co-dependent's nefarious tendencies after I recognized them in myself. It was scary.

[@lilafeldman8630]

yeah, I know. I feel like I've been on both ends of this.

[@somewhereovertherainbow4012]

Post it online? Keen to have a read

[@drd0114]

There once was a heart in suspense, Caught up in a love so intense, But it wasn't quite real, Just a fanciful feel, Limerence, a sweet pretense.

[@pysq8]

Limerence & Limericks ❤ the best combination of things I 'hate' and love, respectively 😂

[@beeankha]

Great poem ❤

[@9windsongs]

One of the hard things that this sort of addiction is admitting to yourself the reprocautions of cultivating these inner dialogs with yourself since childhood based in traumatic childhoods and the perspective that happens as a defense mechanism...and how we tell ourselves that it's something good about ourselves. That is: that we are the only ones that can help someone. That we ar÷ such good people that our influence can change lives. That is a toxic amd destructive perception and it is hard to admit when it's the on thing that gives you purpose. But it's such a dangerous line to walk in truth. The reality is, we tell ourselves that because it's too raw, vulnerable and ego destroying to see how we have thought this about ourselves because of the level of insignificant we'd feel otherwise. The level of insecure. And the vast amount of pain that made us feel like thus is our calling. But it's not true. It's a defense mechanism for everything we lack. You aren't better than the help they could get from someone else. You are not superior in particular to anyone (you might just have a knack fir something unique to you, but so does everyone and that doesn't make you important. ) what does make you important is letting that ego die. And having the know how to get people real help like she was saying, professionals and resources. You injecting yourself into people's lives with your current perspective thinking your doing anyone favors is a false sense of purpose and self importance. And the particularly fragile nature of the people you're addicted to, is devasting for them of not deadly..when they have to face the aftermath of your desires and the I'll perspective of the favors you think you're doing for them. They need true love and dignity. The way you treat them is a defilement of the help they actually need. Actually caring would be you giving them the resources to help them turn their lives around. Not a savior complex that uses that to their personal advantage. Sometimes it isn't pure narcissism. Sometimes people that have gone through trauma just need to know how to see themselves. And how to face some cold hard truth. And that is, you're not able to help anyone anymore than any other average person with an average iq can help them. You can let go of the need to be special. And then find out how you can actually help people by sending them to people who know how to actually help people. Not because you wanna be holy. But because if you do wanna help people don't make it about what you think you're doing for them because you're you.

[@anothertube]

Kindness without honesty is just manipulation. -someone smart

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

Limerance can destroy your life!!... Limerance is the reason I have given up on relationships!!

[@2ndChanceAtLife]

Me too!

[@Mmmmkaaay]

I never thought that my limerance was an addiction until I found your channel. I still struggle with it but I'm now doing positive self talk to counteract it, which is helping. Mitch,I hope you are willing to get help for this so you can keep your family intact. ❤️

[@user-sg8wf5qo9s]

He was conditioned to be a "hero" in a Carpman's triangle with his parents and now he is doing what he knows best. I feel so much compassion for him and yet he needs to do tough love for himself... A combination of different therapies and self -help techniques, grieving and moving on is what will help. 💔

[@kristallyzation]

I glanced at the thumbnail and I thought it said “romanticize shoplifting” and I was horrified hahah

[@flickrennels]

Me too 😂

[@christinebeames712]

Me too

[@stanleyhape8427]

Wait.... But that IS what it says . I feel like I'm missing something.

[@AnneWilkynson]

Meee too, but forgot til you mentioned it lol

[@Neresdipity]

I like that Anna created this space for this person to openly share gis experience. I also love that she respinded with tough love. I cannot imagine what it's like to have a disabled child - all children are blessings who deserve love, but I'm not naive, I know it's a lot to deal with. I cannot say it any better than all these other comments- this child deserves that energy and attention the letter writer is spending elsewhere.

[@jsmith7240]

It sounds like a rescuer fixation has become an identity. Maybe work on recognising fixation as part of your cptsd to be healed. Just bcs he feels he's doing good work is a mask to cover toxic behaviour. Definitely needs tough love and very strong boundaries. Good luck

[@TrishTaylor-bk5pp]

Good take. Great share. 🧘🏼‍♀️

[@jsmith7240]

Part of me feels this is much more than limerance. Is it even limerance? He sounds like a predator looking for vulnerable girls but convincing himself he's a saviour or father figure, using his child as cover. I feel uncomfortable calling this limerance actually 😮 is he infatuated with the vulnerable women or by feeling all powerful bcs those are not the same. I'm feeling more unsure about this the more I think about it.

[@sanashams7836]

Agree with you completely. It did not sound like limerance to me either.

[@fremmer007]

Yeah. This Isn't the typical limerence scenario we normally talk about here. It's a tragedy of how broken people cause problems for themselves and everyone around them.

[@ZachDift-kc4nk]

Omg I was literally about to comment this same thing when I came across ur comment. Yes I agree - this guy sounds more like a predator who took advantage of a young woman in a very vulnerable position in life, manipulated her into becoming dependent on him with gifts and “help”, and then once he had the sexual gratification from her he was seeking, he’s now disinterested in her and is trying to find ways to justify his disgusting behavior to himself and others by claiming it’s “limerence”. No this guy is a creepy predator who used and took advantage of a woman in a vulnerable position and rather than put boundaries if he truly cared about her or help her without encouraging her romantic feelings or having sex with her just bc she “pursued” him or whatever it is he said, he is using the excuse of limerence to justify his sliminess.

[@samaraisnt]

Yeah once I heard it… I think this is what’s actually happening: this man has a fetish for helpless girls who can’t say no and need him. He goes to the worst part of town, driving his vulnerable baby to literal crack/drug addled neighborhoods…and then “accidentally” finds these women who “can’t live without him” and then “stumbles into” sleeping with them. For *their* comfort of course, he would neeever want such a thing. Sleep with a young woman who he admits to be in love and obsessed with?? Never! (Except every time-but then he decides it’s over after sex, hmmm wonder why) When you hear it without his spin it’s quite scary. Like he thinks exactly like a ser*al k*ller on paper and who knows what he’s left out.

[@samaraisnt]

Yeah after I heard it… I think this is what’s actually happening: this man has a fetish for helpless girls who can’t say no and need him. He goes to the worst part of town, driving his vulnerable baby to literal crack/drug neighborhoods…and then “accidentally” finds these women who “can’t live without him” and then “stumbles into” sleeping with them. For *their* comfort of course, he would neeever want such a thing. When you hear it without his spin it’s quite scary.

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

Mitchell MUST realize that he cannot help these women... The women can only help themselves.. He desperately needs a Male CODA group... IMO he is SEVERELY CODEPENDENT!!

[@jeanieshank1433]

Agree… coda and slaa… I go to both. I have a limerent addiction. I think that love addiction has a base in codependency and addiction. One goes hand in hand with the other.

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

@@jeanieshank1433 exactly!!

[@anneflammini8438]

Anna, that was masterful. I so hope Mitchell heard you.

[@sunnyadams5842]

Yes. Yes it was Absolutely Masterful. Take your good luck, Martin and stay home with your family and only your family.

[@laurar.2866]

Anna is so right... you're not positive at all for her, and even less for yourself

[@angedusoleil]

Most “rescuers” never realize that the “victim” must never ever heal. They must remain damaged and in need or else the rescuer will cease to be needed and will “fall out of love”. If they do heal (or cease to be), the rescuer will need to move on to find a new victim who will validate their identity as a rescuer/savior.

[@karenclarke1778]

Mitchell when that gal you have been trying to help gets better (and she will) she will not want you. She will have 0 respect for you for what you have done to your family and you would not end up with her anyway! Do what Anna says and some of the others here confirm.. be The Hero to your child and wife who need you to do all this for them so badly, that is where your true happiness lies once you heal as well. Just take the advice. Please don’t screwup your family that loves you! 🙏🏻♥️♥️🙏🏻

[@Conscious59]

Once again, so well-handled Anna..Logical, non-judgmental, wise, direct, firm advice - impactful, perhaps, even 'life-changing" words for Mitchell. You always end w/hope for healing & that it is completely possible.

[@ShannonGrace9555]

I say bs too. As the mother of an addict I know this is completely wrong on every level!!! The grandiose claim of being so needed is sickening. Enabling the suffering of a helpless addict, someone else's addict, and thinking you actually matter to them is delusional, self serving and inhumane!Is asking "how dare you!?!" "not being nice"? Never step towards another addict again! If you find one overdosing make somebody else help! Find somebody else to help immediately! Stay with your wife and son and maybe you can redeem yourself to them and to God.

[@ShannonGrace9555]

You might end up getting charged for the overdose of the last addict you were helping. If you're arranging for dope for people and they overdose, there will be consequences in the legal system.

[@lanefaurot]

This guy sounds like he grew up in my house. I’m been limerent on the same person since I was 13…now I’m 57. So tough…

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You're in the right place :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@Forgot_We_Were_Human]

Listen Mitchell, you are a human. You are not a bad person, you are a person who is deeply hurting and acting from that hurt. THAT IS NOT AN EXCUSE to continue with this behavior, but you know that, and that's good! Please follow Anna's advice. Yes your family needs your help as others have said, but you know an addict who needs your help the most? You! Love yourself enough Mitchell to continue to seek help, like you've done by reaching out to the fairy. Go take the next steps of going to SLAA with other men. You are a whole human being, and you deserve to be seen as one, not as some inhumane beast. If the things you are doing to heal don't feel like they're working, please PLEASE do not give up! Just keep trying it until it works. Know that one day it WILL work! You can do it! But DO NOT STOP doing the work to love and heal yourself and love your family. If that means you do it until the day you die, then do not stop. I'll leave you with this - "It's the lies we tell ourselves that are the most detrimental." Don't be a liar to yourself anymore, please. You deserve the truth, & you are brave enough to face it.

[@halbarbour7340]

I was the object of " Limerance" in that I was texted by a woman who is living in Scotland. I had a strong attraction to Scotland and am currently living in the US. I had this woman as a Facebook friend and am strongly attracted to her prior to her texting me. She has CPTSD and no doubt read my profile and knew at the time I was in another relationship. This relationship was ending at the time, and I had planned a trip to Scotland. I responded to her aggressive texts and planned a trip to see her and Glasgow. I think she expected me to stay in the US and therefore I was the Limerance....the problem is I reciprocated, went to Scotland and ran full speed into this beautiful woman and every CPTSD symptoms. She has ghosted me about 6 weeks ago and I have not contacted her.....

[@terrycraig6386]

Sounds like she only was attracted to you because she thought you were unavailable for dating, as you were in a "relationship". Reciprocating scares limerent people because they also have a subconscious fear of intimacy, and the "distance" felt safe to her. Especially her being in another country. Too bad. Hope you heal from this quick.😢

[@pedroalgo3990]

That´s not really how it works,

[@hlnmarie]

He is sitting on the fulcrum of a seesaw and on either side are two situations he has made a commitment to and they are both lies.. He is the one lying to himself. His wife and son are where he belongs.

[@nancyk3615]

Once you start healing , you will be empowered by your healthy decisions❤

[@ShannonGrace9555]

Yes no contact! Every addict has one of you. None of them need one of you. Please advise them to go to rehab or the hospital or home to their families if you encounter one.

[@allimaier8785]

Amazing video! Thank you for all you do for us strangers. You’re connecting us, helping us through educational learning & love. Grateful💞

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for your kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@AntigoneLebessi]

These damaged girls represent neglected parts of his. That's why he has the compulsion to "heal" them and to prove himself in a better position. He is asking for help and he has exposed himself. We are all CPTSD survivors here, aren't we?

[@mirailieva8849]

Love is supreme intelligence (Jiddu Krishnamurti). “We don’t have it.” - Jiddu Krishnamurti Forget about love, I cannot even fulfill natural needs here, let alone love. For me even if I halfway fulfill natural needs, I am good. The love boat has sailed for me.

[@stephanieg4950]

Anna this was loving and not harsh. Delicate perhaps, dealing with displaced thinking. Feeling superior is a type of codependency, to bridge the gap in our self connection, self identity, self intimacy and leans towards narcissism. It s a way of avoiding true vulnerability and intiimacy. I almost think there s extreme grandiosity (delusions of grandeur). Im sorry that the cptsd is acting itself out over and over but at the same time not sorry coz patterns are gifts to help us change and evolve.M, u are the addict who needs saving. Courage !

[@louisas.517]

I love your videos, they helped me so greatly, even though I have been in therapy for six years. Please keep up your great work!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

That's so wonderful to hear! Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@smileyface702]

I am really impressed with your tough love, Anna. Good luvk Mitchell. Wishing you equal self-compassion and personal responsibility.

[@Falloulla]

Hi Anna - did you ever make a video about rumination when being treated or criticized unfairly? I am going through something like that and can't stop myself from dwelling in it.

[@user-yk9sk7pg6v]

I know you said you wouldn't normally read a letter like this but I'm glad you did as it was especially eye opening and thought provoking. Thanks again for all your work, take care.

[@AnHourOfWolves]

I kinda feel like since this guy is obviously having relationship challenges and striving to create codependency with strange women and not hold boundaries around his own behavior with them, I imagine his current relationship started similarly, and that his current partner has similar traits. Not sure that the Crappy Childhood Fairy really dealt with how messed up that relationship likely is. Definitely agree that the guy would benefit from getting help from a therapist.

[@katella]

I would like to know more about his wife, hear her side of the story. It is interesting that in his telling she appears no more real than a cardboard cutout.

[@santafilipina9020]

Your advice is so apt! I really hope he listens to you and then takes action. It sounded like he seeks out situations to insert himself in so he can be a hero. Is this a form of escape from his own life 🤷‍♀️???

[@daniemotioninsound]

This is probably not happening on a conscious level, but yes, I think he "seeks" those situations in order to escape his life and his uncomfortable emotions, to feel better with himself. But I wouldn't dehumanize him like a lot of commenters did. What he described is a force, he is an addict and he needs help. Just a human like the rest of us.

[@annex7236]

Great advice Anna. Thank you for posting. There is always something i learn from your videos even if the authors issue is not quite what i am dealing with.

[@louisehogg8472]

Same here. I'm not limerant, but 'rescuer' - oh yes!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad the video was helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@CC-cw8wu]

To be honest, if he doesn’t heal, he will end up a customer for a revolving door of girls that work at adult clubs once he can’t find one to pick up on the streets. When I used to work that line of work, a lot of men tried to play on broken women that worked in these establishments. Mitchell, please put in the work to do better and prioritize the family that loves you.

[@abigailh7715]

There's lots of these types around. Many here on YT. The pretense is paying homelezz ladies $10 for an interview then he obsesses over them. Chosen Won is an example channel

[@niallcurran7894]

I've just come across this channel, what a story to be anointed with. What a tragic story, yet I really appreciate your advice and engagement with this man Doc, assuming you're one. Nope, I've just read that you aren't, but intuitively brilliant advice and analysis. You've gained another subscriber, I know I'll learn so much from you and your channel. Thank you!!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Welcome to the channel and thanks for watching and taking the time to comment! We appreciate you here! Nika@TeamFairy

[@heyu123]

Wow it’s shocking he thinks he’s a great guy. He needs so much inner work. He thinks he’s a saviour but he’s ruined lives. This letter is so triggering. Bloody hell

[@jodisherland5335]

She is being so nice by not saying you should be locked up in prison.

[@BabyMango]

I find limerence to be a deflection of self. The addict clearly needs to fix himself, but he spent time “fixing” others. I hope he can ask himself why he’s okay with putting himself on a back burner. And ask himself why he’s okay with self sabotage and self harm. That needs to be healed 🖤

[@jesuisunepetitefruit]

Thank you for your continued sound, compassionate and practical wisdom. ❤

[@guidancewithgrace]

I went no contact with my addict ex-husband and he ended up killing himself jumped off the bridge. This just happened two weeks ago after we were in no contact for a few weeks maybe a month or two he was in prison before that and I didn’t talk to him for a few years, so yeah, I was tough but I couldn’t let him back into my life

[@lindaknott534]

I'm only learning about boundaries in my 60's and it has transformed my thinking and how I manage myself. Keep taking good care of yourself. It does get better.

[@bestiefswlady5251]

Ick. All of that phrasing about wanting to “ do what’s right” is in itself a warning sign IMHO - as if this man sort of lives in a reactive state or he internalizes objects as good or bad like a young child. That, combined with his intellectualizing disturbs me. I hope he’s finding his strength to become better.

[@emilytreu2312]

I realize now that most of my crushes were limerance. I’m so glad that I can now brush it off in the very beginning now that I have grown and awakened to the fairytale that love is not.

[@siftah7429]

When you stepped up and communicated with this woman, you chose a different path for yourself. I congratulate you and trust that you will take everything she has said here very seriously. There is no doubt in my mind that you can do what she's advised you to do. By all means, find an appropriate therapist that will help you to preserve and protect your wife, your son and yourself. You are worthy! ❤

[@ntsatori]

This was so disturbing. Like a "Joe Goldberg" psyche. I'm glad you called him out compassionately, Anna. I have watched so many of your videos and this one triggered me. Men like this have flocked to me, especially when I was in a horrible mental health state. They never wanted me when I was doing well, just when I was broken and needed "saving."

[@Fififashionista27]

A lot of predators

[@PandolfoCarla]

Mitchell I admire your strenght and Skill to be able to get that job and career… and also the support for your kid! I really struggle to make money or anything successful even though I’m very talented and smart 😞. You deffo can work through this and re connect with your family and find the beauty of the simple things with them. Be safe of all that toxic roller coaster. I wish you the best!

[@RockyMtnBaby]

Exactly! So glad you emphasized a specialized counselor/provider who will not just sit back and co-sign his BS. I had a wonderful lady as a counselor and we saw eye to eye on all kinds of things, but I knew our counseling relationship needed to stop. I’m glad I had that insight at the time.

[@lilafeldman8630]

I had a man do this to me. We are now married. He loves me but it is not healthy. He also tried to control me.

[@jupiterscorner5423]

Leave. Its not love

[@Webnut]

You are a gift to the world. But I will admit here that I find your videos too painful. I can't do too much at a time. You speak such truths. Your light is so bright.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Take it easy. Glad you are here! Nika@TeamFairy

[@manher4335]

The hell with the rest of the world Mitch. You got a family, a wife n' child, a business/career. Don't take any of that for granted, be THEIR rock.

[@Elliemaeggles]

I’ve just now realized I’ve had this for a girl since I was 8 years old. She was my best friend and we stopped all of a sudden at 11 years old. I’m 18 now and I still yearn for her. I only recently really realized it was love. She was my only true friend and my whole life has just been based around waiting for her. I don’t know what to do.

[@triplejmom7826]

Live your life & if it’s meant to be you’ll find each other again. Don’t wait. 🙏🏼❤️‍🩹 in the meantime find meaning in your life. Don’t put your life on hold. Don’t compare anyone you date to her because right now she’s a fantasy in your head & not a reality. I’d tell you my story, but I don’t want you to wait as long as I did.

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

I can relate to this... I had enough heartbreaks and have given up on ever having any kind of girlfriend...

[@portraitofman2063]

Maybe it is love, but be careful to not conflate limerence and love. I did that for years. Love is willing the good of the other (in short), limerence is an unhealthy infatuation/obsession where one falls in "love" with their fantasized version of the person they think they love. I'm not saying it's one way or another for you, but this video is about limerence, not love.

[@AnnaRiedl]

I think Anna would say you are telling yourself a fantasy story here. If it was real love, she'd be in your life. Reach out and try to be in contact, if you are not in contact and in an actual loving relationship, then this is not love in your life, as she is not in your life. Make the relationship to her real or make space in your heart for something real.

[@hollyrobinson488]

This is my favorite video I’ve watched of yours and Ive seen probably around 2 dozen of yours. I related to so many things Mitchell is going thru. Like someone else wrote, my details are different but the severity of my problems and the damage done to others and myself are the same. I hope the advice and perspective offered was as impactful to Mitchell as it was to me. It was the perfect verbal ‘hands on shoulders to shake some sense into them’ moment. I’d love to watch more of these types of videos in future.

[@v3r0nthego]

Performing in adulthood, the role we were forced to perform in childhood is a sign we are alienated from ourselves, we are still dissociated of our real own self and still functioning based on overadapation, maladaptive coping mechanisms. The need to save others as well is a mirror for needing to be saved. But now, we have to save ourselves and find ourselves and accept that we are not in charge completely and a good therapist could help in a way or another. I realised whenever I went down to lose myself into somebody else was when I was missing from myself, typically when life was overwhelming. And is clear that you could have gone missing from yourself when you had to become a responsible adult to handle your parents and you, as a child were missing from yourself having the life of a child.just playing and discovering the world. I wonder if saving broken birds is kind of nostalgia from your past self. The need to be seen. The need to escape as well the responsibility of a family with a huge challenge as it is a disable child and to justify it as : but this bird is more broken than ...

[@lindadasilva4547]

Damn this man can write if anything and you nail a banga of a summation and containing response. Love your work and thank you for your posts. ❤

[@FaithfulandTrue777]

My sibling has a challenging disabled child - he fund raises for the charities, do that. You are getting your own needs met, youre not helping them, get help, youre not a bad person but look what's at risk. God will help you if you ask Him 🙏🏻

[@yesterdayseyes]

He is a bad person

[@modest_meghan]

wow! blown away by your empathetic but strong response. this letter scares me, it sounds like this could escalate further.

[@carolinekennedy4858]

Mitchell I wish you strength and perseverance as you begin your recovery journey you can do this!!!

[@lesliedavid6396]

OUCH!!! As a 61 year old woman, I have been dealing with this since I was a small child!!!! So painfully enlightening

[@raymondkymsuttle]

“The only way people will accept me is if I’m doing something for them”. Bullseye.

[@politereminder6284]

Wow! Great video

[@Catsandnature-1234]

This sounds like he is looking for yıung girls and he is finding excuses for himself. He is running from his family because of he can not handle his young child.He is lying himself.He needs to wake up and go to therapy and talk to his wife and take care of his family.If he leaves his family he will go and find troubled young girls ...

[@emel3925]

Seriously…every moment he spends “helping” these women is time he’s ditching all of the responsibility of caring for their disabled child on his wife.

[@rexrad9735]

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Trying to "save" some with his D. The girl wouldn't think he was her boyfriend unless they were in an intimate relationship. I don't feel sorry for him.

[@sla1xyz]

It's so sad how limerance is making him completely blind to the fact that all of this is rooted in his selfish behaviour, sure it looks like helping but in the end it's hurting everyone. He's not in any position to help anyone, doesn't have the boundaries or a normal family structure to do so. There's plenty of homeless men and charities that help them if he ever feels a need to find validation through charity work. He needs to follow Anna's advice and prioritize not continuing through life like a tornado, for his own sake at least.

[@Catsandnature-1234]

ı think he found a way to get away from his family and realities of having a family .And he spends time with younger girls.I don't buy his help bullshit

[@sla1xyz]

@@Catsandnature-1234 I guess if he's helped men, kids or older women without any romantic or strings attached kind of relationship. Then maybe, but we don't have that information from the letter.

[@a7744ry]

I’m crying because of this letter and I don’t know how the wife would feel if she knew and maybe already knows or known of the past addict lover. How does she cope with that, when her husband is all entrenched in his addiction, must be very lonely😢😢

[@occlawson]

this is one of the very best videos on this topic i have ever heard. she’s excellent.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for your kind words! I'm so glad the video was helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@Rut-vi7iz]

Well said Anna.

[@sapphirestrm]

My sister ultimately died from her limerance. A guy, friend of a friend, came to her at a bad point in her life, she was separated from her husband, and the new guy had a lot of money (sister was poor). He brought her to depths of almost losing everything: her home, her kids, her health. He brought her to injecting drugs and she got Hep C and being poor with no real healthcare she ended up dying of liver failure. The guy left after they both had gone into separate rehabs. She could never let go of him. Such a tragedy; she had 4 kids.

[@emel3925]

I feel so bad for his wife…Anna (or anyone in the comments with experience), i’d appreciate more information on the type of man who sabotages his relationships after they have a child. Honestly my biggest fear is picking the wrong partner to have a child with….are there red flags to look out for?

[@louisehogg8472]

Commitment phobic? Lack of support system/other men in their life, to help them handle the daunting prospect? Signs that they've backed off from their male friends after any of THEM become fathers and have family responsibilities to juggle? Signs of boredom and disinterest when novelty of something wears off? Lack of 'stickability' at things not financially rewarded?

[@Esthermyrrh]

Red Flag #1: learn if they have an overly-fake- Mother concerned with looks or materialism, and she controls many things in his life (and other family members) : the Malignant Narcissist Mother who keeps her sons as dependent on her as possible, under the guise of “a Matriarch”. You listen to Michell’s childhood, and you can pretty much see his mother parentified him, likely talking to him all the time about her problems with his dad. I dated a man who was like this and began to see texts between him and his mom that looked like they were enmeshed, inappropriately in an emotional relationship. She often sent tears streaming emojis for sympathy, or inappropriate heart eyes emoji, flower bouquet emojis etc. She also had his younger brother who was 33 years old, still living at home and was still making his lunch every night before he left for work, letting me know this information to make herself look as wonderful (benevolent/self sacrificing) as possible as a doting mother.. **Watch closely the interaction with their mother or listen to his stories of his childhood or how she helps him out today.

[@viridianacortes9642]

Yes. I think you just gotta listen to other women and also professionals like the one in the video. There is always red flags and signs. Sure it doesn’t 100% guarantee it. But it helps a ton in helping find a good partner.

[@samaraisnt]

Abuse starts when women are pregnant unfortunately…it’s unfair but that is the #1 most common time men first turn to physical abuse. I’d say a good warning is if he’d cheat on you cause you were pregnant…unfortunately that’s also common not sure if it’s also the highest time but i

[@hilarysell66]

@crappychildhoodfariy I just wanted to say thank you for making this video and reading this letter. This one was especially meaningful to me as I am an adult disabled child that has cptsd from my upbringing with my male toxic parent. Even though we don't know what the disability is that this boy has as you mentioned from reading the letter that it is a pretty significant disability. Mine is as well I have the most severe form of spina bifida. Now since nothing is really said much we don't know if the Sun is verbal or non-verbal, either way I can say that the behavior that the dad is doing could make his son resentful as the child grows older. Simply in my mind because it sounds like the dad is more willing to help these women that are in need of help yes but he's wanting to be The rescuer and at the expense of his child! What about his child's well-being not just physically but mentally emotionally he could feel resentment for all the effort that he's giving to these women yes that do need help but by professionals. I will say that yes he did right by the woman that had had the overdose in the initial attention he gave to her that probably saved her life. One thing as a individual with a significant disability and having gone through abuse and neglect at the hands of a parent who utilized my disability as their weapon of choice to eradicate my self-esteem before it could even develop amongst many other things. Yes we are as disabled people a lot more work . But what about the ultimate reward of I've seen the best for his child that he would have been giving or had been giving to these women. And hopefully having a great relationship with his adult disabled child because of what he did selflessly for that child. I only more recently have been able to repair things with my toxic parent and my mom who enabled the behavior by not standing up for me more. The resentment that I had an absolute hatred for my toxic parent has gone but the lasting effects from a lifetime of abuse and neglect is still a work in progress but there's still some times I can get triggered. I would not wish that on his son at all

[@nagrabagra4924]

I was forced to be the "'referee'' and ''peace keeper'' at the tender age of 5.

[@Jeb9221]

I was the women in these stories. Yes, Mitchell, you need to leave these women alone. I realise now that the married men who tried to help (got me hooked and then eventually leave) were horrible. Please leave these women alone and focus on your wife and child.

[@cosmicforest5205]

Hey Mitchell, there's a lot of though love here indeed, but also i think it should be said - your happiness is important too. You don't have to be a living sacrifice as it used to be in your childhood. Letting go of limerence and becoming present with your pain will help you become present with your happiness also. It's a long road, and a tough one, but you'll find ways to be truly happy with your family, or in your life, instead of escaping to a fantasy world.

[@nettewilson5926]

True and meaningful love has to be based on equality. If you are “saving” someone then you already view them as less than yourself.

[@virgoyogini5377]

Mitchell, Anna just gave you perfect advice. Please heed it, it will save YOU, your wife, and precious child. Put that wanting to help into helping the wife and child to whom you are committed. It's not helping these women, you are using them for the rush you get from being their Superman. I've been there, both the rescuer and the rescuee. For me, 12 Step programs gave me a clear set of guidelines for recovery, and therapy helped me work through the things that prompted my addiction. Blessings on your journey.

[@virgoyogini5377]

P.s. In my recovery, I utilized Anna's free resources, they really enriched my self-discovery and healing.

[@olgachataway5608]

This guy suffers from severe case of a rescuer syndrome. He is addicted but not to love.